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Day 322 – Unfinished Business (The Alive Part)

June 7, 2014

Good morning world. Today is a good day.

It’s actually 5:00pm, but I stayed up all night and didn’t go to sleep until 8:00am. I woke up around noon and have been meddling around the house, and now I’m starting my day.

And, oh, what a day it is! Last night I went to go pay a debt. A musician had performed pro bono at an event I put on a while ago, and I told her I was going to give her a token of appreciation for her performance. Our schedules kept clashing, so I last night she asked me to meet her and her family at a recording studio. I came and gave her the gift and they told me she was going to be performing on an internet show that night. They invited me to stay. In the past, I would have said no because I don’t know them like that. I would have felt like I was intruding or like they were just trying to be nice to me.

But, as I was sitting in the green room, I thought about it. They had just made me in invitation. They were inviting me to get to know them like that and be a part of their world. And so I stayed. At the end of the show, the host invited us to “cease the moment.” It had been quite a moment to cease. The musicians on the show were fabulous. Some of the people there had come to the event I threw a while ago and they asked when I was going to throw another one. The people were alive and creative and oh, the family of the musician I had met were just so wonderful. Full of goodness and honesty. I had thought the woman was mean before, but I saw such a loving, gentle side of her. She was awesome.

I exchanged info. Made new friends. Sometimes I can be good and not shy in public and last night was one of those nights. I didn’t feel less than anyone. I didn’t feel more than anyone. I just felt comfortable in my own skin and I was able to share just like I wanted and have people share with me.

And I am invigorated this morning. And grateful. After the event, I went and visited a friend around 1:00 in the morning. We sat in my car and talked and talked until the sun came up. We talked about relationships and how, even though you may end a relationship with someone, it’s not really over until it’s over. For me, I can feel the connection. You still feel attached to certain people even if you haven’t talked to them in years. You still feel like there is some kind of unfinished business. Like a hug you didn’t give that you should have. Or an apology. It’s not about them. Sometimes you still feel like they owe you an apology, but it’s not about them. It’s you holding on to unforgiveness. Their wronging of you is their own unfinished business.

I made a mental list of all the attachments, particularly men, that I was holding onto. Anyone who thought incited some feeling of pain, frustration, longing, or hope. Surprisingly, some of the people that I had had really deep connections with were no longer on the list. I was happy to know that I have let go of some of my past. But there is still some unfinished business.

But I wasn’t scared to look at it. It wasn’t daunting. I was glad to see it. As I was sitting on the car, one of the people who was on my list, a guy who I will call Mr. President, had emailed me. Mr. President is a man I almost married. I never talk about him. I have been proposed to several times, but he is the only man who would have actually married me the next day with no questions asked had I said yes. He went out of his way to meet my parents and ask for my hand. He pursued me. Maybe one day I will tell you the story, because it’s pretty romantic. He used to call me and ask, “how are my babies?” speaking about the unborn children in my womb. He was a caretaker and I ran far, far away from him. I never said no when he asked me to marry him. I just didn’t say anything at all. So he left. Had babies with someone else. Not sure if he ever married her. Not sure if he’s still with her today.

But he wrote me last night. “I missed you a lot today,” he simply wrote.

And I looked at my list of unfinished business. The one I had just conjured up. His name has the most energy around it. Because I don’t really know what to do about it. Most of the other names just need a goodbye letter, an I’m sorry, an explanation. I need to give one guy a hug if he’ll let me. I need to tell some people thank you… I have been proposed to five times in my life. Mr. President is one of them and there are two others who are on the list of unfinished business. They have big stars by their names, red pulses, because if I saw them today and they asked me to marry them again, which they would because none of them are happily with anyone, I don’t know what I would say.

And why is any of this relevant? Because it’s summer time and I’m ready to fall in Love again. And these people linger in the recesses of my mind. They get in the way when I meet someone new, because I have these thoughts. “What if such and such comes back? I know they’re gonna come back. What would I do? Who would I pick if they were all three standing in front of me? Should I just close all those doors completely and open all the way up to something new? What about the other people who linger in my mind who don’t have big stars by their names? The ones who I never gave a chance? Should I see what’s up with them?” Because I am actually ready and wanting to have a life partner now. Yes, I said that out loud and I didn’t throw up or have an anxiety attack.

I am so ready for the alive, all the way stuff now. Last night at the studio, I felt like I was among my peers and they looked at me and talked to me like I was one of them. They offered help with my projects and they wanted to be a part of my circle just as much as I wanted to be a part of theirs.

I’m ready to be with my partner now, my Life partner. I am ready to do my life’s work. It’s kind of funny. At my job, management is trying to use me as a scapegoat for some unwarranted investigation they did on a coworker of mine. Everyone is worried about me and thinks I’m under stress because I now have to defend myself and do this whole political dance, but I’m not under stress at all. I’m glad. I see it as a wonderful sign that it’s time to do my life’s work. I see it as an opportunity to bring just a little truth to a corrupted system and help set a standard so that management thinks twice before they try to mess with the next person.

But Allah, I’m ready now. And I can say that without fear so I know I’m really ready. I actually feel worthy of a good life, finally. I’m actually able to resolve conflicts now without running and I’m actually able to face my fears. I can stick to things now and commit to things and I know the difference between being clear about a decision and not being clear. I’m growing up now. I can truly forgive and allow people to show me kindness. I can flip a situation when it’s going sour or walk away. I can get off the bed and I can be humble even when I know another person has wronged me and won’t ever say sorry. I can still follow through with what You’ve put in my heart in those instances.

And following through with my heart helps me to sleep in peace at night.

I don’t know what to do about some of the people on my unfinished business list, but I know You will guide me. More information is needed. In the meantime, Allah, I keep my heart open and open it even more. I do the things that I know to do. I write the letters that I know to write and pay the debts that I know to pay. I reach out in the ways you Guide me, and I sit still when I do not hear Your voice. We are doing alive stuff now. We are doing grown-up stuff now. We are doing happy stuff now. We are even doing exciting stuff now. Now. At last. Finally. We are Living our Lives.

Day 322
Unfinished Business (The Alive Part)

From → The Alive Part

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