Guys…
My producer got in touch with an a-list producer/actor who may be interested in being an executive producer/lead actor for our movie. He asked to see the script. I have to submit it by tomorrow morning.
It’s not completely edited. I mean, it’s in presentable format, but since finishing it, I have submitted it to a few people. Everyone likes it, but everyone has the same few notes, and I haven’t fixed those same few notes. I have to do it today. But I have to go to work. It’s about an eight hour job at most.
But I have to go to work.
I want to quit. I told myself I wasn’t gonna quit another job unless I have a new job lined up or unless an opportunity presents itself that will fund me for at least a year without working, but God, I want to quit this job pronto. I applied for another job and I’m checking my mailbox every day to see if I got it, so that way I can put in my two weeks and get a bit of a summer break before I go full force with the working/film thing.
Our potential a-list producer/actor will be available in the spring, so if he gets on board, I can work this new job (which is basically a fellowship where one gets paid to learn how to manage a huge social services department) for a few months, go overseas in December to do some work on our heal the world project (and also location scout/set things up for movie), get paid for film stuff by new year’s and start working full-time as a writer/director by the new year… Get married in Spring and finish my first film by the end of next summer. Get pregnant right after I finish my first film and see what comes next…
These are my little dreams. God, they seem so far and so close. Since setting my intention to get married soon, I’ve got three potential marriage propositions. One is disqualified, but I’m really considering the other two. It makes my head hurt and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about them, though, so maybe I’ll do some more work with my therapist friend so that the thought of my dreams coming true doesn’t frighten me so…
I’m so close, y’all. I really want to quit my job. God, can that letter come today? Please? I need time to get better at my craft.
You say I am learning to be in the world. I’m learning something here, but I don’t know what it is yet. I’m learning to be in the world but not of it. But I don’t get it, though.
I’m not always going to be able to sit in my cocoon and pray, meditate, write, research, study, do yoga, exercise, and love on some man all day, You say. That’s a part of it, You say, but part of my work is going to be in the world. Among people. Strangers. Environments like my job and worse. I must learn to be in the world but not of it.
I must learn to get past this whole anxiety attack, depression thing, because I have work to do. And I’m going to submit my script on time. And I’m going to have a husband and some kids. And I’m going overseas at the end of this year. And all my dreams are coming to me. They are already on their way. So even though my body is all trembling, and even though my mind is going all which way, and even though I can’t even speak of my emotions, I should go to work today. Breathe… Let all the craziness just pass through you. Don’t repress it. Let it pass through you. Breathe through your belly. All of it passes through, you know, if you finally let it. Just let it.
Do you work anyway, OK? You can do it. You can rewrite your script today. You can go to work today. You can do your Calling in the One meditations today. Your producer will help you. You know he will. He will sit right there by you and pull an all-nighter with you until you get this script done. He’s on your team. You have Angels and Giants on your team. Let them help you… Can we go to work now?
-Yes.
What did we learn?
– We learned that the crazy won’t kill us. Let it pass through. Don’t repress it. Let it pass through and do what needs to be done anyway. And let folks help us. We can do it.
Good job, Laydie. Good job…
Day 333
Let The Crazy Pass Through
Good morning World,
I’m gonna be on time for work this morning, so I guess I won’t write long. I woke up early, prayed, did a quick yoga set, meditated, read day four of Calling in The One, but now I’m running out of time, so I’ll get up an hour earlier tomorrow.
I guess I have to figure out how to make life without drama exciting. I don’t have much to talk about. No drama. Things are working out. Boring, I know. But I’ll get used to it. The last time I can remember having life without major drama was when I was under nine years old. What did I do then? Run around on adventures in nature with my brother, make up stories with my imaginary friends, play house with my real friends, dress up in different characters, spy on grown-ups and make up stories about them, make jokes with my dad.
I laughed a lot as a kid, but didn’t talk that much. I remember. It was a good time. I was that big eyed little girl that’s always staring at people. The world was amazing and intriguing and in my secret world, we explored.
I guess that’s what I’ll do now. Explore. What do people do over here without drama? Create stuff? Make up stories? Pinch people and play? Today I think I’ll create something fun at work instead of it just being boring drudgery. I think I’ll smile at at least one intriguing human being. Oh! I know exactly who!
Thank you, God. Have a good day y’all!
Love,
Laydie
Day 332
Life Without Drama
Hi World,
Can’t talk long tonight. Been a task keeping my word writing daily, but luckily for me, I’m doing it.
I’m excited. Life is still opening up. My heart is only opening up. Things are only getting better.
They don’t always look that way. Sometimes you cry in the midst of healing. Of course you cry in the midst of healing. Cry, baby. Cry. Cry until you can’t cry no more, until it’s all gone.
And then get up. Breathe. Set your intention and keep walking…
Good night, Love.
Day 331
Keep On Keeping On
I’m tripping again.
Hi, y’all. I wish I could just be stable for a little bit.
I’m tripping today. Full of fear. Mr. President is gone back to his life. Maybe I’ll talk to him or see him again. Maybe he’ll disappear.
I spoke with Dream Lover’s cousin the other day. My whole body was trembling. Cousin was happy to hear from me. Told me to not be a stranger. I left my number and a message for Dream Lover to call. Today he posted something online about an event he’ll be at. I’m sure he got my message.
I can’t. I just can’t keep going through all these emotions. Last night I visited a friend. One of the guys on the list. I told him I was getting married soon. I’m telling everyone that, just so I can close doors. He took it as an opportunity to proposition me. You know. He thought since I’m about to be married, I must be craving to be poked by all kinds of pokeys before I just stick to one. Yeah, that’s something to dream of… Not. -_-
And I realized I really don’t want to explore single life any more at all. I want my husband, God. When will my heart stop breaking? I have met such fabulous men in my life. At least fabulous in a worldly sense. They’re filthy rich and they start businesses, consort with world leaders, run for government offices and win, star in movies and plays, perform at star-studded events… heck some of them are the stars. They travel wherever they want whenever they want, don’t have any debt… They say, “I want to do this” and within a short period of time it is done. They help the poor, donate expensive designer shoes to homeless people, start massive community development projects, bring water to villages, and build houses for their moms.
But they break hearts. All of them break hearts. They have no regard for the big, fat words that come out of their mouths. They break hearts, you hear me? They break hearts. They broke mine.
I have been going along for a while without feeling anything, and now I feel everything, including the heartbreak. Mr. President married someone else. There’s no way around that. He married someone else, and I’m sure that she and their children love him to death…
Dream Lover just up and disappeared. Promised me the sweetest things, made me tea in the morning, went looking for houses together, bought me flowers and a brand new wardrobe, called me his wife, and then disappeared.
And Him? The one who incited this blog? He allowed me to give up everything I had just when my dream life was getting started. I sold everything and made myself completely vulnerable before moving in with him. I counted on him to support like he said he would. And when we got into one little argument, he was willing to put me out with nothing. And he did. Gave me $300 and sent me on my way back to LA, telling me he loved me as the train pulled away.
I closed up. I didn’t feel any of it. I kept on living. Got a job. Wrote my script. Finished my book. Got an apartment. Started a blog. Bought green juice and worked and worked and worked until I could find my smile again. And I found it. But I had closed up a part of me. That “really fall in love” part and consequently, I had shut out all the pain. And I thought I was OK. I thought the pain was gone.
And then I went and did something stupid. I decided that I want to love again. Why’d I do that? Why would I want to Love again when Love has never Loved me? I am a ridiculous dreamer… I knew that I had to let go of all that is blocking me from love if I actually want to give Love a real chance, and so I searched my heart. I coaxed it open to see what was there, and lo and behold, those three bandits were right there where I left them.
And all of the Love came back. And all of the pain came back. And two of them came back wanting to be back… But back what?
I’m tripping because my life was just fine. Maybe a little boring, but just fine. OK, I know I am severely underemployed, but I was taking baby steps to get my finances in order. I was taking baby steps to get my emotions in order and I was taking baby steps so that I didn’t go plumb crazy out of my mind trying to make sense of my life.
But now these men have just come and busted my heart open. And made me realize that I’ve been lying to myself all along. They put my dream right in front of my face, but I can’t have it with them. Mr. President would never leave his wife, and even if he did, I would feel horrible about breaking up a family. And Him? Well, he’d still break his promise at the drop of a dime if he got riled up.
Nonetheless, they showed up in the atmosphere and I started thinking about life as “us”, and it’s so much nicer than life as just me. There’s sanctified sex and children in the “us” life. There are joint accounts and dinners together. There’s somebody that would help me in the areas where I’m weak, and I would help him. There are massages and deep guttural laughs. There are all these things that I generally don’t think about when I go to work every day and work on my projects. My friends don’t think about it. We have all been busy being independent broken-hearted career people, finding ways to stifle our pain.
We have been in denial. I have been in denial. What I want most in the world is to Love and be Loved. Everything else pales compared to that. And now my last potential Love, the only man who ever literally ran after me over and over again, is going back to his wife and his ridiculously fabulous life.
And I am here.
Hello world. I’m a little salty. Don’t mind me. It will pass. I don’t think I’m gonna try to cover up the pain this time, though, and psyche myself into thinking something motivational. This shit hurts. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
Gosh, something motivational is coming to me in spite of myself. I kind of wanted to be mad for a little bit, but it’s leaving me. It’s just leaving. Geez. And God, You are telling me that the pain goes. Just let it out.
-I feel like such a loser.
Just let it out.
– I feel like such a loser.
Just let it out.
– I feel like such a loser…
Just let it out. It’s just pain, Bay. Let it out and it will haunt you no more…
Day 330
The Pain Goes. Let It Out.
Hi there.
So. I’ve got thirty minutes before the end of the day. I’m going to start writing in the morning after tonight.
So much to write about. I spent a lovely weekend in my cocoon this past weekend. Prayed, wrote, meditated, finished one book and started another, talked, cried tears of sweet surrender, hiked, ate healthy food.
I’m in Love, y’all. I know I just said that yesterday, but I’m saying it again. I’m in Love. The thought makes me nervous and anxious. My heart is just bursting open and now I can say I want to Live.
I want to Live, God. You hear me? Yes, I want to Live. I want to live all of it. To the max. I’m not talking about going Bunjee jumping and taking trips across the world, I’m talking about Love. I want to Love like never before.
I want to do my life’s work like never before. I want my mom to know how beautiful she is and give her smiles, gifts, and kind words. I want to adorn my home. I want people to know about the books and movies I have written. I want to have kids. I want to dive into someone and Love him with all of me.
I want to Live all out now.
I called myself making a big list of all the men from my past, and going down the list so that I could officially end any energetic connections and make room for love, but I’m finding that I’m not closing any doors at all. Instead, I’m opening hearts. We are releasing things. We are saying sorry. We are ending in Love. I am so happy about this. And maybe one of these open hearts may be my husband after all.
Maybe… I have a little more unfinished business before I give a final answer on that, but I’m starting to imagine reciprocity. It’s never lasted more than two weeks for me. You know, where you’re head over heels for someone and they’re head over heels for you to, and you guys are just nice to each other? I’ve been in relationships where the guy will chase me and woo me until I say the magic words “I Love You” and then things change up, and then I’m the one chasing. Sometimes we meet in the middle for a short period of time, but the dynamic is usually push pull.
And so this time, for my summer of Love, I would like there to be no push. No pull. Just openness and reciprocity. I love and give where and when I am compelled. He Loves and gives where and when he is compelled. We allow. We just allow Love to finally make its way out of our heads and hearts and into our lives and actions. We resist the urge to run and hide. We let all our insecurities bubble up, come to the surface and die.
Um um yummy. Love, I see you. I see You. I see You. I imagine a hand, open, reaching towards me. Strong. Comforting. Full. Open. I reach my hand out as well and he takes it. He takes my hand. He sees it for all that it is, and he doesn’t let it go… That’s a lot for me to imagine. That’s enough for me to imagine tonight. This summer is going to be pretty hot!
xo
Day 329
Closed Doors, Open Hearts (Summer Of Love)
Mr. President came around and he has me thinking about all sorts of things. He added a new color to my experience. The color of Possibility…
Hi there. This is a restart blog. I wrote over 500 words talking about all my fears about Love, and then I deleted them. Because I don’t want to focus on my fears.
I want to tell you something. I set an intention today. A big one. I intend to be married by my next birthday, and I intend to be ready for a fantastic Love and a mighty shift in my Life within the next two months. My life’s not so bad now. There are actually a lot of good parts.
If you could draw a line out that goes from negative ten to positive ten and look at happiness like that, I have been operating below zero on the happiness scale for the majority of my life. There have been brief moments of bliss where I crossed over the negative mark and lived full out. I’ve even made it to ten in spurts, but those moments were few and far in between. For the past few months, though, I have crossed over zero. Just barely, but nevertheless, I’ve made it out of the negative. And it has lasted! For three to five months, I have been on the threshold of crossing over from negative to .001 on the happiness scale, and I do believe that today, ladies and gentlemen, I am at a 1!
This is a very big deal, because once you’ve crossed over, once you’ve made it a pattern in your life, it becomes a groove in your brain and it’s almost impossible to go back.
I am proud and excited. All kinds of drama has occurred. I’ve come across men who’ve tried to treat me like shit (and succeeded on some occasions), my family has had numerous issues, I’ve been living with my brother (who I’ve had all kinds of issues with for the greater half of my life), job has tried to break me, and creative stuff hasn’t hit gold yet, but I have managed to consistently stay above zero, even in the midst of sadness and despair. The negative hasn’t lasted.
So now I’m going to focus on getting stronger. In physical therapy, they measure you when you first come in to see how strong you are. When I first came in for treatment on my hand, they made me squeeze this iron bar. Then they gave me exercises to do to heal. I was in the negative then. After a certain amount of time, they made me squeeze the bar again and said I had gotten better, and we stopped focusing on healing and started focusing on strengthening. I had different exercises to do. I still work on healing, but I do strengthening as well.
That’s where I am in my life now. The major stuff has been dealt with and I can start focusing on strengthening life above zero. There are still some healings that need to take place. I’m aware of them. I’m aware of them, you see. That is a big step. Now I can take my medicine and put the healings into motion while concurrently working on my strengthening.
I do believe I am becoming a warrior for Life and Love. Thank you, Allah. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m really not afraid. Moving towards the light has become more important to me than anything else.
So here we are. Good evening World. May I give you a gift from my heart tonight? I Love You. I know you don’t know me and I don’t know you, but I Love You anyway. Because you are here with me at this moment. You are sharing with me and I am sharing with you. And I thank you for sharing with me. I thank you for giving me an outlet to express myself and I thank you for seeing me as I am. We don’t do that very often. We see what we want to see. We see our thoughts of each other. But we don’t see each other as we are. But you have seen me and you are helping me to see myself. And I Love You for it. Thank you.
May your life be Blessed beyond your fondest Dreams. May Your Path be Guided. May your heart be Cleansed and May your Mind be at Peace. May you know happiness at last…
Ameen.
Day 328
Life Above Zero
Ok. I said I was gonna write every day from now on. I have about twenty minutes until this day is over, so this one will be short.
Good Day World. Hello. Thank you For Being Here With Me. I am taking a break for the first time since 7 am. My fingers hurt.
I am slightly excited, though. I’m coming alive. I think you don’t even realize you are numb until you start coming alive again.
I don’t have a topic for today. I just want to say thank you. I just want to say bless you. Change does come. Maybe I will start writing poems from now on, or making this blog a little more beautiful. I’ve never even explored how to put up pictures, etc.
I’m falling in Love. Now don’t get any ideas and start asking me about who, because there is no who. I’m falling in Love with myself. Not in a vain way, but in a way that I’m actually beginning to like myself. I’m actually beginning to like my life. I’m actually beginning to know that I’m ok even when things don’t seem OK. I’m actually becoming happy for real.
People who haven’t been around me in a while notice the change. I can enjoy a conversation without wrinkling my forehead. I can smile and give things, and sometimes it’s not even intentional. It’s beginning to be a habit. I can bounce back from disappointments that used to linger for years in a matter of weeks or days now.
I have changed a lot. Not that I was a bad person before. I was always the person I am. I just feel more safe showing myself now. I’d like to start a new story of my life. The old story is lame now. I’d like to pick up a new life.
In this story, there is a woman. She Loves with all her heart. She is wise and smart and beautiful. Skilled at many things. But unlike my past story where the woman is betrayed and disappointed and taken for granted and used, in this story, the woman’s love is received and reciprocated. She is cherished and cared for. She connects with others who Love with all their hearts as well and through their Loving, through their openness, through their sincere desire to make their lives a good life for themselves and for all their relations, they change themselves. They grow themselves. They live out loud boldly and they help to make the world better by being who they are.
This new woman in this new story is not ashamed of joy. She is not ashamed of success. She is not ashamed of knowing God. She is not ashamed of all she has been and all she is to become. This woman is full of passion expressed and forgiveness and life shows up for her in greater ways than she has ever dared to imagine.
This is my new story, y’all. Change does come. I’m sticking to it…
Day 327
A New Story (Change Does Come)
Good morning World,
I think I’ll write every day from now on. 365 is the goal. One year of intentional reflections, spread over the course of three years.
It’s usually how life works. We take at least three times as long to do things. Take five years to break up with someone that we knew we didn’t want to be with after five months. Take two years to finish a project that really only consists of eight hours of work. Take three years to lose thirty pounds. You get the gist.
Good morning World. I am enlivened today. Usually when I’m feeling excited like this, I want to quit my job so I can stay off and do something relevant to living, but I’ll go to work today and be grateful to have this day of feeling good.
Don’t worry. I’m not going to be a mistress. I told him I don’t want to do the whole mistress thing and he understood and respects my decision. Oh, but I’m so glad I got the proposition. I’m so glad that I had an entire nervous breakdown for a week. I’m so glad I face my fears and looked at Mr. President with an open heart for the first time. I am so glad. Let me tell you why.
Let me tell you what has happened. It’s over. The fear. The regret. The sadness. The pent up energy that I have had surrounding this man for over a decade is over. I can finally see the good in him now. I can see what conditions would make it possible for a person to be a mistress: being alone and having someone make you an offer that you almost can’t refuse, wanting to feel just a little bit of passion after feeling dead for so long. I can see how it would be possible for a person to make a secret decision, and because I can understand that now, I can be a little less judgemental.
Mostly what has happened is that one more bit of fear has fallen off. And I can face the next challenge realizing that it may only hurt for a week. Something that has tormented me for a lifetime, if I confront it, may only take a week to be resolved. I will only be crazy and confused for a short amount of time, maybe it will last less than a week next time, and then I can be free of it forever. I will never fight Mr. President again. I know it. He will never fight me either. I know it. Something between us has been cleansed. My brother, too. There is no more fighting between us.
And Mr. President brought such a Lovely gift. The remembrance of Passion. It’s right on time. He’s so alive, and he has grown up. It’s not often that you meet people who have grown up. Mostly as you get older, you come across people from your past and see that they have grown down. They have lost their zeal and happiness. They have become bitter. Their dreams have not come true and they are hopeless. They have the same issues that they had years ago, except now they have added paranoia and meanness to the pile and closed their hearts. I do not know many people who have grown up, so I’m glad to see that someone I know is moving up in their lives. Perhaps something more will come of our communication. I’m open.
My life is becoming clean again. My energy is coming back. My body is finally healing after a long time of sickness. So I’m grateful this morning. It’s been a long time coming. A spell is being lifted. My heart is being cleaned at last and I’m finding that this is a journey worth taking.
For the sake of my children. For the sake of the work that I have to do in this world. For the sake of my peace of mind and for the health of my body and skin. For the sake of my family. For the sake of the man who will finally meet me with an open heart. I’m not afraid any more. Come what may. Endeavoring to clean up my mind and heart and life and live with integrity and allow happiness to flow to and through me is a journey worth taking. For all my relations…. Ameen.
Day 326
A Journey Worth Taking
Hello Love,
How are you? I am well. Had a very good day today. People did nice things for me all day long.
I finally got my degree. I know, I graduated five years ago, but today it’s official. I ordered my diploma and got a letter stating that I have a Master’s in Fine Arts from a fancy school. It doesn’t mean that much to me, but it means a lot to the new job that I’m being considered for. It’s the first job I’m being considered for since graduating that actually requires a Master’s. Go figure.
Right now I’m sitting in a courtyard at my alma mater recognizing what a different world this place is than where I live and work. I live and work amongst people who are at their wit’s ends. This place is where elitist send their children. Renowned everyones come to work and study. State-of-the art everything everywhere…
Today, Love, I want to apologize to you. I haven’t had a lot of positive uplifting stuff to say, and sometimes I think I should only write positive stuff because I know that’s what you want to hear, but that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about truth. And healing isn’t always pretty. In fact, most of the time, healing is pretty ugly. If you’ve ever seen someone quit a habit, then you know that they will throw up, cough, punch walls, curse, and be sick as a dog before it’s all over. They will cry a lot and think all kinds of thoughts. They will have horrible dreams and sometimes they will try and hurt you and look at you like you’re the enemy.
They are only healing. There is an ugly part of it that must be walked through. Do not run from it. Do not judge it. Do not try and distract yourself over and over again. You will always come back to the issue that needs to be dealt with. Let the healing come. Stick with your intention until you get to the place of peace.
It’s a part of it. I’m going through a major healing, so don’t take me personal, please. The worst is over, I promise. I might throw up again every now and then. And maybe I’ll cuss someone out every now and then (I won’t do it any more in real life, though). But I promise to see this thing through till the end. I promise I will be much better after it’s all said and done and we will get to the other side of happy. Heck, we are already there. We just have to get used to our new legs now.
I’m so glad about ordering my diploma today because it represents me finishing something. All the way to the end. I’m so glad about Mr. President and all the others surfacing because I am getting an opportunity to cleanse my heart for real and have a pure space for a real Love.
Next to me, there is a diverse group of smart people sitting and discussing something. I am glad, Allah. The dark ocean of oil seems like it is dissipating. I am still in it, but it is only a figment of my imagination. As much as the light. It’s not so much that the darkness is disappearing and the light is now coming. The darkness and the light have always been here. It’s just a matter of which one I choose to dwell in.
Thank you for moments of peace. Thank you for understanding and diversity. Thank you for life. And thank you for the ugly, ugly, beautifully blessed healings.
Day 325
Ugly Healing
Hi Guys,
I started a blog yesterday, and then I got a phone call from Mr. President and got all distracted.
I’m all over the place. Not drowning, but good Lord, how are things just changing so suddenly? Just when I was getting a regular routine and a handle on things.
My brother cleaned the bathroom. He’s being all nice to me and stuff. I don’t even know how to act. Our war is over. We have been at war for more than half my life and he cleaned the freaking bathroom. A peace offering. What am i supposed to do about that? Like, I don’t know how to act. He wants to be my friend…
And Mr. President took it a step further. He called me. Been over a year since I’ve spoken to him, but the other day he called, confessed his never-ending undying love to me, and asked me to be the mother of his child. Yes he did. He’d set me up real nice, he said. Buy me a house. Help me start up whatever business I want or just support me if I don’t want to work… Make sure me and our daughter are always taken care of, he said. He always used to talk about us having a girl together….
He’s married…
You know, I thought I should be upset and offended and mad about this proposition from a married man. I mean, I don’t do things like that, flirt with married men. But for some reason, I wasn’t appalled by his offer. Like, my womb didn’t see anything wrong with the thought of having his baby. And then these… feelings… started bubbling up inside me. What is this ish? Feelings? Where the f did they come from? I started cussing in my mind. F f f f f…. FFFFF!
Where are all these feelings coming from? Who am I? Who is this man showing up from my past and just destroying all mental plans that I’ve made? Doesn’t he know it took me a good year to stabilize myself in LA and actually get a job and pay my own rent on time and have green juice in the fridge when I want it? Does he know how long it took me to be able to be disciplined and sit in front of my computer and work on my creative projects without having an anxiety attack? Does he know the inner work I’ve had to do just to be able to walk around and smile for real and make friends and open up to people? I’m finally kind of doing OK. And it took a while for me to get here. And I had plans, you know. In a month or so my body would be back healthy and I’d be exercising again. And then, you know, slowly but surely, my producer and I would make my film come to life. And I’d get a better paying 9 to 5 while I work on my film until the money for the film came…
This man just had one conversation with me and made all my little plans seem… little. These stupid successful men just make my life seem so little. I was embarrassed to be in my life. You see, I met him a long time ago. Before he was married. He’s older than me, and when we met he was just starting his first business. I was in college. He always wanted to marry me and I always told him no. I was perpetually caught up in some man drama. Finally, he gave up and married someone else. This was a few years ago, just at the beginning of the end of my life. Just before I met the man that inspired this blog. Mr. President gave up on me and married someone else.
And now he’s back. And for the first time ever, I’m not caught up in some man drama. And I realize that I’ve never really seen him for who he is. He’s freaking beautiful. And kind. And giving. And he’s so smart. And humble. And he Loves me…
He’s got a wife and kids and all these fancy businesses and money galore and I have… a car with expired registration and so many ideas that have yet to come into their fullness. And he is saying to me, “Come. Let’s change your life.” He’s not the kind of man to get a divorce. And he’s not the kind of man to leave his kids. And he’s not the kind of man to betray his heart… I’m Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy, looking at Burke’s fancy life. He’s trying to help me. He still Loves me. He’d probably be my husband if I asked. And he’d probably help me change my life if I never even held his hand…
And he has shut my big fat mouth. Because I don’t know what to say or do about this situation.
So there you have it. I asked for some freaking closure, but I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting to feel stuff and have my whole world torn asunder.
I can feel myself being untethered from the black oil ocean. The darkness will not overtake me after all. But I have been sitting in it for so long. I have forgotten. Or perhaps I’ve never known. How do I do this alive part? Who am I now, Allah?
You say, “Cry No More.”
– I can just walk out of the darkness like that?
An image. Covered in black oil. Standing up. My God, there is a whole world outside of this ocean. I am weak, but I’m standing up! There is an entire universe out there that I’ve never seen. I can’t be a mistress.
-No, you can’t. But you can Love. You can be honest. You can be open. And you can heal the past with Truth. Do you understand the power of Truth and Love? It heals everything.
Take a break from your preconceived notions. Take a break from your need to know how every story is going to end before you start to write it. Take a break from desperation. This is the alive part. Take a break from sadness and confusion. Trust that you have come to Me in earnest and your prayers are answered. Trust that you know what to do next.
Of course your husband is on his way, and I am preparing you. Of course a new life is on it’s way. It is already here. And you are walking in it. Listen to your heart and womb, baby. Listen to the Guide within. Do not worry of the wilderness any more. You know your way home. Now walk! Walk… Walk…
Day 324
Walk (Once You Know The Way)
hownottocryeveryday 