The days are going by. Less than a month before this is over.
I’m much better today. I prayed about it. It worked. Actually, it’s weird. It’s almost like the situation prayed about me. I wrote my blog last night, talked to a friend and then went to sleep.
At work I had to go meet with someone about job issues, so I didn’t spend much time at the office. Afterwards, I went to yoga class at my spiritual center, and then I went to my spiritual center. I didn’t ask God to fix such and such situation. I just got real quiet during the meditation and I opened. I just allowed myself to be open to whatever is trying to transpire in my life, and the prayer took me over.
Thoughts came and went. I still don’t know how things are going to play out with Mr. President. I still don’t know how anything is going to play out for that matter. But while sitting in the sanctuary, I didn’t need to know how everything would play out. I knew that everything would play out if I let it, and that was enough.
That is enough for me to not be angry tonight and for me to be somewhat peaceful in this moment. Men will be men, and I don’t like a lot of the experiences I’ve had with the men in my life, but the truth is, women must be women. Women must be women.
We have forgotten the power in our wombs and we have allowed the men to become what they are. If women would be women, then men would be men. It is so strange. I understand it until I start to think about it. If men want to lead, then it is up to us to hold them accountable for being people who are worthy of being followed.
Anyway, this entry is not about men or women or how we can get along. This entry is about what happens when you step into a new way of living. I am learning the process. There will be massive confusion, withdrawals, upheavals. There will be pain. And then, before you reconstruct your life, there will be a moment of time where you are in the unknown. That is where I am now.
This is where you learn the good stuff. This is where you find your religion again. If you think you don’t have the answers, it’s OK. You don’t. You’ve never been here before. How could you have the answers. Allow yourself the space and the grace to find your way. No need to force it. No need to worry about what everyone is going to say. This is your journey to freedom. You are charting new territory and when you get to the other side, trust and believe that the same people who were talking about you will be coming to you for advice. Just forgive them in advance. They don’t know any better right now.
But one day they will. One day you will. One day we will. One day the unknown will be known. But for now, I relax, Allah. I allow all of the broken pieces to come up and out of me. I just let the process and the prayer take me over, instead of trying to dictate how every single thing is supposed to happen every single time. I defer to a Higher Power. I defer to a Bigger Perspective. I cultivate a relationship with the Knower so that I may be able to distinguish the voice of truth from the voice of deception when I am in the unknown.
How long must I stay in the dark, she asked. Until you can see in the dark, he answered. Until you can see in the dark…
Day 337
The Unknown
Heavy hearted…
Emotions all over the place. I used to cope with being emotional just by shutting down or running away from anything that might make me feel too strongly, but now that I’ve decided not to shut down and to stay open, my emotions have been all over the place.
I find myself thinking in curse words often. Years of repressed anger surfacing.
I know I missed another day. The next blog after this will be about discipline. I know it’s something I need to improve upon. I don’t think it will be that hard. Tonight I want to talk about morals, though, because my mind is drawing a blank and I can’t really remember what those are.
In the course of three weeks, I have fallen in love with someone else’s husband. I had the chance to fall in love with him before he was someone else’s husband, but I never gave him the opportunity to get inside my heart. Now that he is taken and now that he still wants to be with me after marrying someone else (how flattering), I have decided to open my heart to him. I didn’t think there was any danger, but I was wrong. I’m falling for him. And I wonder if I’m falling for him only because I know he’s taken. I wonder if he was free and single, if there was no danger, no adventure, just him with nothing to lose, would I still fall in love with him?
I am tired of me. I don’t even know where to begin with morals. I have completely lost my religion, and the worst part is, I don’t even feel bad about it. I still believe in God and I’m not generally interested in doing bad things to people, but the rules are all cloudy now. People who I used to think were “bad” now seem good, and people who would appear to be “good” seem bad to me. Actions that I would never dare take make sense to me now and vice versa. Heaven or hell do not entice or deter me. I don’t know what the rules are anymore.
And I’m angry, God. I’m mad that Mr. President could just come back into my life out of left field and rock my entire foundation. I’m mad that I had a routine and life was OK and now it’s all topsy turvy. I’m mad that Mr. Almost Famous didn’t just marry me and make things easy. I’m angry because the only answers that I have to anything related to my relationship life are to cry and get angry. I can’t run anymore. And I can’t shut down anymore. But these men would have you sell your soul if you let them. I can’t do that either.
“Pray about it,” You say. I don’t even know how to pray any more. My heart is broken, God. I don’t even know how to pray any more. The things I used to do in the past aren’t working anymore.
“Pray about it,” You say.
This is the place with no answers. There are no answers about my potential new job yet. No answers about my movie. No answers about my children’s book. No answers about my husband. My mom is trying to hook me up with a nice religious man. We talk. He bores me to tears. But he’s nice. Predictable. Safe. But I don’t want him. Men on the street smile at me and I get angry. What am I so angry about, Lord?
I am mad at men. I am angry with them for always fucking things up for women. Cheating and leaving, running away from anything that makes them feel vulnerable, not supporting us, that conditional love shit… Taking us away from our dreams because of their insecurities, subduing our power because of their big egos, holding us hostage and quarantining us if they get us… I am mad at men for not Loving me. I am mad at men for not caring about women. For thinking that we are only tools and side pieces to the fantasies in their heads. For not seeing us as people. I am mad at men for not saying please and thank you and I’m sorry, for holding back love and for trying to punish people and teach them lessons all the time. I am mad at men for always trying to dominate everything even when they know they are not the most qualified. I am mad, God.
But mostly I am mad at the men in my life for not staying. For not sticking it out. For running away without even saying goodbye. For not being there for me. I am mad at them for never saying thank you for shit. For holding back love from me on purpose and never telling me all the good things that I am. I am mad at them for never even asking themselves how they could help put a smile on my face and make my life easier, yet still wanting to be a part of my life. I am mad at them for confusing loving me with wanting me.
So there.
I have twelve minutes before midnight. This blog is about morals and anger. I’m not going to delete it and start over and try to write something inspirational. Because I’m angry.
I’m gonna pray about it. I guess I promised not to curse men out anymore, so I won’t go on a cursing spree. I’ve said it all here. I’m gonna clean up my room…
I’m feeling stuff again. It doesn’t feel good at all, but at least it feels something. At least I’m angry for real. At least I’m loving all the way. At least blood is coursing through my veins and I’m coming alive again. At least I’m feeling stuff… I’ll pray about it.
Day 336
On Feeling
I’m learning something. Sometimes things are hard.
I’ll be leaving Vegas in a few hours and going back to my life. My job, my apartment, the people, etc. Constant striving. This trip was much needed.
I’m about to cry. This trip was just so good. I don’t like Vegas that much, but I liked being out of my normal day to day environment and being able to just take some time to enjoy things. I liked the fact that I won $30 on the slot machines and then lost $25. When I was playing my last few dollars, I bet the maximum amount. I figured I might lose, but I be the maximum anyway. It felt good to bet the max. It felt good to give it all and not kind of gamble.
You win some and you lose some.
I think Mr. President will be disappearing and going back to his life. It took me all these years to realize that I love this man. I always used to judge him so harshly and demonize him for the smallest things. But this time around, I was actually able to love him, and I can say goodbye with peace in my heart. It happens. He tried his best to be with me. And I tried the best with all the knowledge I had at the time. I just didn’t know any better.
It happens. You win some and you lose some. And it hurts when you lose. Nobody said it would be easy.
But here’s the good news. When you know you have given your all and when you leave a situation and it’s laced with all the love your heart could have given, you don’t leave with regrets.
You know the only thing I regret about my almost relationship with Muse? I regret that I cussed him out at the end. I mean he was the biggest jerk I’ve ever met and he deserved to be cussed out and beat up by someone, but that someone didn’t have to be me. I had intended only to love him, and so I regret that I allowed him to make me deviate from my intention…
It is hard to go back home to my life. I wish I could reverse time and go back five years. I would have made a different choice. I would have been somebody’s wife and we would have had beautiful children together. And I probably would have been very happy with him… And I probably wouldn’t have appreciated any of it.
I wonder if there is a way around the hard part. I wonder if there is a way to appreciate the good without having experienced the bad. Someone I know right now has a very wonderful man who loves her. She is betraying him in little ways, taking him for granted and planting seeds of distrust in their relationship. She has never known adult life without a man who loves her. How could she know how lucky she is to have what she has? I hope she doesn’t have to lose him to figure it out…
I could go on and on tonight, but I don’t think my body can handle it. My hands are trembling and I have to get ready to go. I’m grieving and I’m afraid tonight, Lord. I don’t know what comes next and it’s not easy to leave a very peaceful weekend at a posh resort and return to the raggedy streets in my neighborhood. It’s not easy to have had a real life vision of love and go back to no man potential husband in sight (at least not one that I actually want to be with) and still keep my heart open.
It’s not easy. But I guess nobody said it would be easy. I will keep my heart open and I will keep working, but God please help me to be strong. I think I could actually use some of that strength that people say I have right about now. I don’t ever want to lose my smile again. I don’t ever want to close my heart again. I don’t ever want to be standing so close to my dreams come true and self-sabotage or not be able to see it again. I want to live now, Allah, and I’m willing to do the work. I’m willing to give my all, even if my all is just a little bit. I’m willing to stay open. I want to. I don’t care if it’s hard. I know that I am able… I know that I am able… I know that I am able…
Ameen.
Day 335
Nobody Said It Would Be Easy
This open heart thing seems to be doing me some good, though. It seems to be healing the broken parts in me.
Hi there.
I messed up. I missed a day. Feel so bad about it. I tried to squeeze in the time yesterday, but I didn’t I was on “go” all day, from 3am, rewriting my script, submitting to programs and people, working the 9-5, and then I had to get ready to go out of town, then when midnight came, I was still on the road.
I’m sorry. I really want to be more disciplined. I could have squeezed something in while driving or something. I wasn’t driving. I could have made it a priority to keep my word to myself. But I didn’t. I will try harder. And do twenty pushups for punishment.
Good day world. I’m out of town. In Vegas. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so I won’t tell you all that’s happening, except I’m having a really good time so far. I haven’t been to a cultural dance class in over eight months, since I got sick, but I went to one today. I danced my butt off and sweated so much. And I don’t feel sick, which is fantastic. It means I’m finally getting back healthy. I ran into this girl who I’ve been following on Facebook. She sells homeopathic beauty and wellness products. I don’t know her, but I had just been talking about her to a friend, saying how I wanted to order her products on line, and voila, here she is at a random dance class in Vegas, with a bag full of products!
Guys like me these days, which is awesome. My life tends to be either feast or famine. Been kind of horrible in man land for some time, so it’s nice to be approached and courted (yes courted) by men who don’t seem like characters from a movie about abuse.
I don’t know who’s gonna be my husband, or if it will even be any of the people who are currently showing me interest, but I think I’m gonna have one. Funny, for the past couple of weeks, everywhere I go, I’ve been meeting ready guys. Guys who are asking me when I’m getting married and when I’m having kids. Guys who are talking about wanting these things in their lives in the very near future. And most importantly, guys that are nice. They come bearing gifts. Little things like candles and water, compliments and phone calls.
I had almost gotten used to the assholes who sit around and wait for women to chase them. The ones that sit on the side and try to see how high you can jump before they even consider offering one bit of themselves to you, poking and criticizing all the while… The ones who don’t see me for who I am in any form or fashion…
Anyway, Good afternoon World. Nina Simone has a verse in one of her songs. “Please be patient with your life. It’s only morning and you’ve still to live your day.” I can’t wait till I’m completely healthy and my skin is clear. I can’t wait ’till my movies and books come out. I can’t wait ’till I find and marry and awesome beautiful man. I can’t wait ’till I get my money completely in order. I can’t wait ’till I am completely free of depression. I’m gonna’ testify; tell it on a mountain.
Maybe our world has a lot of pain and misery. Maybe there is confusion everywhere. Maybe the people who sleep in peace every night are few and far in between. Maybe sleeping in peace isn’t your thing anyway. But whatever your thing is, just give it some time. The secret is consistency. Keep at it and keep at it and keep at it, and if you flounder and miss a day, if you mess up, get back up and keep at it again. Set a goal and keep at it until you see it come to pass. Give it some time. It may take a life. You may have a couple decades worth of a damaged self-image to repair. You may have an addiction to self-destruction that takes a while to break. Sadness may have some really deep roots in you, and it just takes a while to dig everything up. But if you keep digging and digging and walking and walking and working and working and trying and trying, eventually you’re going to step out into the world and people aren’t even going to recognize you.
They’re going to call you, the used-to-be moody Judy girl, the happy one. They’re going to ask you, the girl that people thought couldn’t talk, miss shy and quiet, to speak at events. You’re going to be presented with opportunities that you never thought would exist for you. Ms. used-to-be abused, taken-for-granted girl, you are going to run into men who think you are their dream come true, men who would never hurt you. It happens. It’s possible. Sometimes it takes a whole life to get where you want to go, but what else are you doing with your whole life? Living with a low-grade headache and a cloud of chaos around you until you die?
I implore you to figure out what you want to do with this thing called life. At least figure out one thing you want to do with this thing called life. And then start it. And then keep working towards it consistently, even if you mess up. Start over and keep working. Life may surprise you with a shift so mighty you can hardly keep up…
Day 334
Give It Some Time (Consistency)
Guys…
My producer got in touch with an a-list producer/actor who may be interested in being an executive producer/lead actor for our movie. He asked to see the script. I have to submit it by tomorrow morning.
It’s not completely edited. I mean, it’s in presentable format, but since finishing it, I have submitted it to a few people. Everyone likes it, but everyone has the same few notes, and I haven’t fixed those same few notes. I have to do it today. But I have to go to work. It’s about an eight hour job at most.
But I have to go to work.
I want to quit. I told myself I wasn’t gonna quit another job unless I have a new job lined up or unless an opportunity presents itself that will fund me for at least a year without working, but God, I want to quit this job pronto. I applied for another job and I’m checking my mailbox every day to see if I got it, so that way I can put in my two weeks and get a bit of a summer break before I go full force with the working/film thing.
Our potential a-list producer/actor will be available in the spring, so if he gets on board, I can work this new job (which is basically a fellowship where one gets paid to learn how to manage a huge social services department) for a few months, go overseas in December to do some work on our heal the world project (and also location scout/set things up for movie), get paid for film stuff by new year’s and start working full-time as a writer/director by the new year… Get married in Spring and finish my first film by the end of next summer. Get pregnant right after I finish my first film and see what comes next…
These are my little dreams. God, they seem so far and so close. Since setting my intention to get married soon, I’ve got three potential marriage propositions. One is disqualified, but I’m really considering the other two. It makes my head hurt and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about them, though, so maybe I’ll do some more work with my therapist friend so that the thought of my dreams coming true doesn’t frighten me so…
I’m so close, y’all. I really want to quit my job. God, can that letter come today? Please? I need time to get better at my craft.
You say I am learning to be in the world. I’m learning something here, but I don’t know what it is yet. I’m learning to be in the world but not of it. But I don’t get it, though.
I’m not always going to be able to sit in my cocoon and pray, meditate, write, research, study, do yoga, exercise, and love on some man all day, You say. That’s a part of it, You say, but part of my work is going to be in the world. Among people. Strangers. Environments like my job and worse. I must learn to be in the world but not of it.
I must learn to get past this whole anxiety attack, depression thing, because I have work to do. And I’m going to submit my script on time. And I’m going to have a husband and some kids. And I’m going overseas at the end of this year. And all my dreams are coming to me. They are already on their way. So even though my body is all trembling, and even though my mind is going all which way, and even though I can’t even speak of my emotions, I should go to work today. Breathe… Let all the craziness just pass through you. Don’t repress it. Let it pass through you. Breathe through your belly. All of it passes through, you know, if you finally let it. Just let it.
Do you work anyway, OK? You can do it. You can rewrite your script today. You can go to work today. You can do your Calling in the One meditations today. Your producer will help you. You know he will. He will sit right there by you and pull an all-nighter with you until you get this script done. He’s on your team. You have Angels and Giants on your team. Let them help you… Can we go to work now?
-Yes.
What did we learn?
– We learned that the crazy won’t kill us. Let it pass through. Don’t repress it. Let it pass through and do what needs to be done anyway. And let folks help us. We can do it.
Good job, Laydie. Good job…
Day 333
Let The Crazy Pass Through
Good morning World,
I’m gonna be on time for work this morning, so I guess I won’t write long. I woke up early, prayed, did a quick yoga set, meditated, read day four of Calling in The One, but now I’m running out of time, so I’ll get up an hour earlier tomorrow.
I guess I have to figure out how to make life without drama exciting. I don’t have much to talk about. No drama. Things are working out. Boring, I know. But I’ll get used to it. The last time I can remember having life without major drama was when I was under nine years old. What did I do then? Run around on adventures in nature with my brother, make up stories with my imaginary friends, play house with my real friends, dress up in different characters, spy on grown-ups and make up stories about them, make jokes with my dad.
I laughed a lot as a kid, but didn’t talk that much. I remember. It was a good time. I was that big eyed little girl that’s always staring at people. The world was amazing and intriguing and in my secret world, we explored.
I guess that’s what I’ll do now. Explore. What do people do over here without drama? Create stuff? Make up stories? Pinch people and play? Today I think I’ll create something fun at work instead of it just being boring drudgery. I think I’ll smile at at least one intriguing human being. Oh! I know exactly who!
Thank you, God. Have a good day y’all!
Love,
Laydie
Day 332
Life Without Drama
Hi World,
Can’t talk long tonight. Been a task keeping my word writing daily, but luckily for me, I’m doing it.
I’m excited. Life is still opening up. My heart is only opening up. Things are only getting better.
They don’t always look that way. Sometimes you cry in the midst of healing. Of course you cry in the midst of healing. Cry, baby. Cry. Cry until you can’t cry no more, until it’s all gone.
And then get up. Breathe. Set your intention and keep walking…
Good night, Love.
Day 331
Keep On Keeping On
I’m tripping again.
Hi, y’all. I wish I could just be stable for a little bit.
I’m tripping today. Full of fear. Mr. President is gone back to his life. Maybe I’ll talk to him or see him again. Maybe he’ll disappear.
I spoke with Dream Lover’s cousin the other day. My whole body was trembling. Cousin was happy to hear from me. Told me to not be a stranger. I left my number and a message for Dream Lover to call. Today he posted something online about an event he’ll be at. I’m sure he got my message.
I can’t. I just can’t keep going through all these emotions. Last night I visited a friend. One of the guys on the list. I told him I was getting married soon. I’m telling everyone that, just so I can close doors. He took it as an opportunity to proposition me. You know. He thought since I’m about to be married, I must be craving to be poked by all kinds of pokeys before I just stick to one. Yeah, that’s something to dream of… Not. -_-
And I realized I really don’t want to explore single life any more at all. I want my husband, God. When will my heart stop breaking? I have met such fabulous men in my life. At least fabulous in a worldly sense. They’re filthy rich and they start businesses, consort with world leaders, run for government offices and win, star in movies and plays, perform at star-studded events… heck some of them are the stars. They travel wherever they want whenever they want, don’t have any debt… They say, “I want to do this” and within a short period of time it is done. They help the poor, donate expensive designer shoes to homeless people, start massive community development projects, bring water to villages, and build houses for their moms.
But they break hearts. All of them break hearts. They have no regard for the big, fat words that come out of their mouths. They break hearts, you hear me? They break hearts. They broke mine.
I have been going along for a while without feeling anything, and now I feel everything, including the heartbreak. Mr. President married someone else. There’s no way around that. He married someone else, and I’m sure that she and their children love him to death…
Dream Lover just up and disappeared. Promised me the sweetest things, made me tea in the morning, went looking for houses together, bought me flowers and a brand new wardrobe, called me his wife, and then disappeared.
And Him? The one who incited this blog? He allowed me to give up everything I had just when my dream life was getting started. I sold everything and made myself completely vulnerable before moving in with him. I counted on him to support like he said he would. And when we got into one little argument, he was willing to put me out with nothing. And he did. Gave me $300 and sent me on my way back to LA, telling me he loved me as the train pulled away.
I closed up. I didn’t feel any of it. I kept on living. Got a job. Wrote my script. Finished my book. Got an apartment. Started a blog. Bought green juice and worked and worked and worked until I could find my smile again. And I found it. But I had closed up a part of me. That “really fall in love” part and consequently, I had shut out all the pain. And I thought I was OK. I thought the pain was gone.
And then I went and did something stupid. I decided that I want to love again. Why’d I do that? Why would I want to Love again when Love has never Loved me? I am a ridiculous dreamer… I knew that I had to let go of all that is blocking me from love if I actually want to give Love a real chance, and so I searched my heart. I coaxed it open to see what was there, and lo and behold, those three bandits were right there where I left them.
And all of the Love came back. And all of the pain came back. And two of them came back wanting to be back… But back what?
I’m tripping because my life was just fine. Maybe a little boring, but just fine. OK, I know I am severely underemployed, but I was taking baby steps to get my finances in order. I was taking baby steps to get my emotions in order and I was taking baby steps so that I didn’t go plumb crazy out of my mind trying to make sense of my life.
But now these men have just come and busted my heart open. And made me realize that I’ve been lying to myself all along. They put my dream right in front of my face, but I can’t have it with them. Mr. President would never leave his wife, and even if he did, I would feel horrible about breaking up a family. And Him? Well, he’d still break his promise at the drop of a dime if he got riled up.
Nonetheless, they showed up in the atmosphere and I started thinking about life as “us”, and it’s so much nicer than life as just me. There’s sanctified sex and children in the “us” life. There are joint accounts and dinners together. There’s somebody that would help me in the areas where I’m weak, and I would help him. There are massages and deep guttural laughs. There are all these things that I generally don’t think about when I go to work every day and work on my projects. My friends don’t think about it. We have all been busy being independent broken-hearted career people, finding ways to stifle our pain.
We have been in denial. I have been in denial. What I want most in the world is to Love and be Loved. Everything else pales compared to that. And now my last potential Love, the only man who ever literally ran after me over and over again, is going back to his wife and his ridiculously fabulous life.
And I am here.
Hello world. I’m a little salty. Don’t mind me. It will pass. I don’t think I’m gonna try to cover up the pain this time, though, and psyche myself into thinking something motivational. This shit hurts. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
Gosh, something motivational is coming to me in spite of myself. I kind of wanted to be mad for a little bit, but it’s leaving me. It’s just leaving. Geez. And God, You are telling me that the pain goes. Just let it out.
-I feel like such a loser.
Just let it out.
– I feel like such a loser.
Just let it out.
– I feel like such a loser…
Just let it out. It’s just pain, Bay. Let it out and it will haunt you no more…
Day 330
The Pain Goes. Let It Out.
Hi there.
So. I’ve got thirty minutes before the end of the day. I’m going to start writing in the morning after tonight.
So much to write about. I spent a lovely weekend in my cocoon this past weekend. Prayed, wrote, meditated, finished one book and started another, talked, cried tears of sweet surrender, hiked, ate healthy food.
I’m in Love, y’all. I know I just said that yesterday, but I’m saying it again. I’m in Love. The thought makes me nervous and anxious. My heart is just bursting open and now I can say I want to Live.
I want to Live, God. You hear me? Yes, I want to Live. I want to live all of it. To the max. I’m not talking about going Bunjee jumping and taking trips across the world, I’m talking about Love. I want to Love like never before.
I want to do my life’s work like never before. I want my mom to know how beautiful she is and give her smiles, gifts, and kind words. I want to adorn my home. I want people to know about the books and movies I have written. I want to have kids. I want to dive into someone and Love him with all of me.
I want to Live all out now.
I called myself making a big list of all the men from my past, and going down the list so that I could officially end any energetic connections and make room for love, but I’m finding that I’m not closing any doors at all. Instead, I’m opening hearts. We are releasing things. We are saying sorry. We are ending in Love. I am so happy about this. And maybe one of these open hearts may be my husband after all.
Maybe… I have a little more unfinished business before I give a final answer on that, but I’m starting to imagine reciprocity. It’s never lasted more than two weeks for me. You know, where you’re head over heels for someone and they’re head over heels for you to, and you guys are just nice to each other? I’ve been in relationships where the guy will chase me and woo me until I say the magic words “I Love You” and then things change up, and then I’m the one chasing. Sometimes we meet in the middle for a short period of time, but the dynamic is usually push pull.
And so this time, for my summer of Love, I would like there to be no push. No pull. Just openness and reciprocity. I love and give where and when I am compelled. He Loves and gives where and when he is compelled. We allow. We just allow Love to finally make its way out of our heads and hearts and into our lives and actions. We resist the urge to run and hide. We let all our insecurities bubble up, come to the surface and die.
Um um yummy. Love, I see you. I see You. I see You. I imagine a hand, open, reaching towards me. Strong. Comforting. Full. Open. I reach my hand out as well and he takes it. He takes my hand. He sees it for all that it is, and he doesn’t let it go… That’s a lot for me to imagine. That’s enough for me to imagine tonight. This summer is going to be pretty hot!
xo
Day 329
Closed Doors, Open Hearts (Summer Of Love)
Mr. President came around and he has me thinking about all sorts of things. He added a new color to my experience. The color of Possibility…
Hi there. This is a restart blog. I wrote over 500 words talking about all my fears about Love, and then I deleted them. Because I don’t want to focus on my fears.
I want to tell you something. I set an intention today. A big one. I intend to be married by my next birthday, and I intend to be ready for a fantastic Love and a mighty shift in my Life within the next two months. My life’s not so bad now. There are actually a lot of good parts.
If you could draw a line out that goes from negative ten to positive ten and look at happiness like that, I have been operating below zero on the happiness scale for the majority of my life. There have been brief moments of bliss where I crossed over the negative mark and lived full out. I’ve even made it to ten in spurts, but those moments were few and far in between. For the past few months, though, I have crossed over zero. Just barely, but nevertheless, I’ve made it out of the negative. And it has lasted! For three to five months, I have been on the threshold of crossing over from negative to .001 on the happiness scale, and I do believe that today, ladies and gentlemen, I am at a 1!
This is a very big deal, because once you’ve crossed over, once you’ve made it a pattern in your life, it becomes a groove in your brain and it’s almost impossible to go back.
I am proud and excited. All kinds of drama has occurred. I’ve come across men who’ve tried to treat me like shit (and succeeded on some occasions), my family has had numerous issues, I’ve been living with my brother (who I’ve had all kinds of issues with for the greater half of my life), job has tried to break me, and creative stuff hasn’t hit gold yet, but I have managed to consistently stay above zero, even in the midst of sadness and despair. The negative hasn’t lasted.
So now I’m going to focus on getting stronger. In physical therapy, they measure you when you first come in to see how strong you are. When I first came in for treatment on my hand, they made me squeeze this iron bar. Then they gave me exercises to do to heal. I was in the negative then. After a certain amount of time, they made me squeeze the bar again and said I had gotten better, and we stopped focusing on healing and started focusing on strengthening. I had different exercises to do. I still work on healing, but I do strengthening as well.
That’s where I am in my life now. The major stuff has been dealt with and I can start focusing on strengthening life above zero. There are still some healings that need to take place. I’m aware of them. I’m aware of them, you see. That is a big step. Now I can take my medicine and put the healings into motion while concurrently working on my strengthening.
I do believe I am becoming a warrior for Life and Love. Thank you, Allah. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m really not afraid. Moving towards the light has become more important to me than anything else.
So here we are. Good evening World. May I give you a gift from my heart tonight? I Love You. I know you don’t know me and I don’t know you, but I Love You anyway. Because you are here with me at this moment. You are sharing with me and I am sharing with you. And I thank you for sharing with me. I thank you for giving me an outlet to express myself and I thank you for seeing me as I am. We don’t do that very often. We see what we want to see. We see our thoughts of each other. But we don’t see each other as we are. But you have seen me and you are helping me to see myself. And I Love You for it. Thank you.
May your life be Blessed beyond your fondest Dreams. May Your Path be Guided. May your heart be Cleansed and May your Mind be at Peace. May you know happiness at last…
Ameen.
Day 328
Life Above Zero
