Hi There.
Good afternoon. I hope all is well. I have a session with my therapist friend in 37 minutes, so this won’t be long.
I wanted to write a bit and let you know that this week long sabbatical has been the best thing I’ve done for myself in almost a year. I went to my favorite park in town and my favorite restaurant in town yesterday. The trees and sweet smells nourished me. The fresh air rejuvenated me. The food… It was nice to eat something delicious and healthy that I didn’t have to cook.
Good Afternoon, Loves. Life is good. I said three more goodbyes in the past few days. It’s not that I have a whole bunch of men. I actually haven’t had a committed relationship in years. What happens, though, especially if you’re single for a while, is that you get all these “attachments”. You meet some guy and maybe you go and have coffee once or twice. Or walk together at the park a few times. You might kiss or hold hands or do nothing physical at all. But you talk. You imagine. You envision. At some point, you think about what it would be like to be his partner and maybe he thinks the same of you. And then something happens. Maybe it takes a week. A month. A day. A few months. Some fear sets in. He doesn’t answer one of your phone calls, or you don’t answer his. He finds out that you have guy friends that you read books to. You find out that he lied about something. A confrontation ensues. The air of peace and love dissipates. Distrust and resentment take over. And then you disappear. Or he disappears. Maybe there is a good cuss-out before the disappearance. Or maybe someone just starts ignoring the other. The one with the biggest ego always makes sure to say the most hurtful thing before the departure. Hardly is there ever a conversation where the two say, “I really had the time of my life with you, but because of such and such and such and such, I don’t think we could have a long term future. Thank you for everything. I learned all this stuff from being in your presence. I’m sorry for the damage I’ve done. May your path be Blessed.”
And life continues. Maybe. Mostly life goes on, but those people linger in your mind. As time passes, you think of how silly the argument you had was. You wonder what happened to such and such person if you really liked them. You wish you could have said sorry for something you did or you wish they could have said sorry. You think that maybe you are a better person now or they are a better person and maybe the two of you could actually work something out at this point. You don’t even remember what you had been fighting about and the person just sticks in your subconscious mind as a loss, a sadness, another reason to see life as ugly.
You will say that that’s the way life is, but life is the way you make it. We are not bystanders sitting back allowing all those “people out there” to create our life experiences. We are the people out there and the least we can do for ourselves is recognize that we have some say in how we live our lives. If you don’t make peace with your past, even though the person is gone, the attachment remains. The energy lingers. And it gets in the way. Sometimes we are even waiting, hoping, for someone from the past to come back and make things right. We dream of them. We keep their pictures. We replay our issues over and over again. And it gets in the way of anything new.
I’ve been on this mission for the past few months. I just want to let go of anything that gets in the way of the fulfillment of True Love in my life. And I want to say sorry. Because I am sorry. I want to make things good if I can. The silly men from my past usually don’t want to do anything good. They want to hold on to resentments and unforgiveness and keep doors open even though they know they will never step through them. They are committed to seeing themselves as “right” and everyone else as “wrong” at all costs. Their self-identity depends on it. And who am I to ask them to change who they are just so I can have peace of mind?
It is OK. It is OK for people to be on the paths they are on. This is what You mean by acceptance, isn’t it? It is OK if people don’t Love you or if they don’t like you. It’s OK if they don’t want to offer you compassion or understanding. Oh, I almost understand it..
Your job is not to try and change other people. Your job is to change yourself. It sounds so cliche, but I almost understand it. Your job is to allow yourself to be Loved, instead of putting up walls against it. Your job is to accept compassion, instead of saying no to all gifts. Your job is to create an environment where there is space for Love. And your job is to demand respect and Love and kindness from the people you surround yourself with. Everyone won’t want to give it to you. In fact, if you have fallen low into depression like I had, it’s most likely that most of the people in your inner circle don’t want to give it to you, and that’s part of the reason you’re so sad.
Your job is to say, “Excuse me. This will not do anymore. I need to be able to express Love and I need to receive it.” And your circle will change. They will leave or they will change and it will be because you have done your duty to yourself.
And you may be alone for a while. You may get sick for a while. Your body might break down and you may be plumb confused and crazy because your whole life paradigm is shifting. Do not loose faith. Above all else, keep doing your job. Keep honoring yourself. Keep saying sorry. Keep forgiving. Keep going to the places that nourish you and finding nourishment. Keep accepting the Love and kindness that you will find shows up from the strangest of places. And do not worry about the people who you thought were your people. They may be. But they may not be. Let them be who they are. They are on their own paths. And the ones who will walk with you in your fullness will find their way to you.
Oh please believe me. I know. Please believe me. I know. Please keep going. Please keep going. Please keep Loving yourself. Please keep Loving others. The world will try and break you. Bend, rest, repurpose, but do not break. Just keep doing your job. Keep wanting to live. Keep trying to live. Keep setting good intentions.
Life can be good, I promise. Just keep doing your job.
Day 357
Your Job
I called in to work today. I’m not going in the rest of the week. Deleted the blog I just wrote. There was too much complaining in it. Nothing wrong with complaining when you have to. I just said I wasn’t going to do it anymore.
Suffice it to say that today and this week have been challenging. I shot the commercial this past weekend and interacted with all sorts of personalities. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a variety of viewpoints in my house at one time. The next day I spent hours, literally, talking to the different people I had worked with. Everyone had their concerns. This one lady was concerned about who was going to see the pictures of her daughters. One of the actors wanted to make sure he had enough camera time. One of the crew members was trying to hit on me and woo me as he dropped off some files…
I’ve been sitting in front of this computer for the past two hours trying to sort out my thoughts and trying to figure out what I’m going to do next with my life. I didn’t get into the filmmaking program that I really wanted to be a part of. So that changes everything. I thought that in September I would be working with the big wigs and learning from them and actually getting paid enough money to thrive in this city. Now that that’s not happening, I have to go back to the drawing board.
My current job only sustains me. It doesn’t move in any direction that I’m trying to go and I have very little left to give to it. BUt I promised myself that I would stay with it until I find a new source of income, so I’m not quitting yet. I’m not quitting yet, but God, this is hard for me.
All of this rejection, all of this uncertainty, years of just trying to catch up and no lasting success… It’s taking a toll on me and I’m beginning to feel a little discouraged and doubtful… I don’t want to step into the self-pity quicksand, and so I’m taking this week off so that I can sit still…
What do I have to do, Lord? What am I doing wrong? What should I do next? I just don’t know any more… Is there something I need to let go of? What is it? I don’t always know when to hold on and when to let go. I don’t always know which direction to walk. I know, though, that now is not the moment for me to sit still. And I also know that the One who will Guide me lives in my own Inner Consciousness…
– And You say that I know what to do.
It is taking so long, though, Allah.
– And You say that I have not even been on this path for a year yet.
But I am weary, Allah.
– And You say that I am strong.
But I am tired… I am tired.
And at last we agree on something.
– I will give you rest, You say. I will give you rest… Rest now. Rest.
Thank you… I put my head down on my arms. Police sirens outside fading away. Now birds chirping in the tree outside my window…
What are our options?
We can give up like most of the people on our planet. Forget about the things we dreamed of when we were young. Real Love and Commitment, Heroes, Making a Living doing what we Love… We can forget about passion. We can get a better job somewhere and just marry a man who will be nice to us. Don’t worry about Love and all that magical thinking like soul connectivity and all those abstract things that can’t be measured.
We can keep dreaming of this life that we have never seen, this soulmate phenomenal love, this debt-free existence, this world where our creative ideas and business ideas are received and implemented. We can keep trying to make this dream life a reality, but there is the possibility that this life we dream of is just a dream that will never come to pass for us, and time is passing.
This is called a crossroads. I am at a crossroads here. And You say that I don’t have to make a decision just yet. Wait until I am clear. That is the mistake most of us make. We rush and make choices that we are not sure about. Just wait. In the meantime, finish catching up. You have this whole week to finish. Finish organizing your home. Figure out exactly how much debt you have and then you can decide what needs to be done. Make good on all your past due promises. Finish making peace with all your past relationships. You are afraid to finish because you know that once you are finished catching up, you will have to choose.
It is a big responsibility. You can not say that I chose to give up because I had a child or I needed money or blah blah blah. And you can not say that I chose to follow my dream because there was no other choice. The choices are infinite. Yes, you will only be able to say that I chose to take a certain path because I chose to take a certain path. No one will be manipulating or coercing you. There is no man to blame and you can’t blame your mom anymore. It’s just you.
This is the reality of pure choice. You are the chooser. And although it may seem daunting, it is the most liberating thing to realize that you are living a life by design.
So take this time to rest, clear your mind, catch up on what you can catch up on, and figure out what debts remain. Take this time to decide what path you are choosing. This is such a vital step on this journey. Take this beautiful, blessed time to become very clear. Rest and be encouraged. Your life is just beginning.
Day 356
Rest
You can probably tell that I’m trying not to let this end.
I’ve never been particularly good with endings. The fact that I told myself that my life would be totally transformed after 365 days of intentional contemplation doesn’t help either.
Good morning, World. It’s Saturday. My favorite day of the week. Today is no exception. The energy in the world is easy on Saturdays. I am easy and relaxed. I’ve been having wonderful dreams lately. This morning I dreamed that my mom was here cooking for the video shoot that I’m about to have and my brother was helping to paint…
I’m shooting a commercial today. It’s gonna be my first time running a set and being behind a camera in years. The cast is more than ten people and we have some complex shots.
I am nervous. I heard about the opportunity late, and so we had very little time to plan. In fact, I can write long because I need to get working. My brother may not help. My mom is in another state…
You find out who your friends are when you really need something. I’m glad to say that I haven’t really been surprised. The people who I thought would be there for me have been there for me and the people who’s support I doubted have found something else to do today, go to the beach or something…
My brother just got home… I promised myself not to talk too much about my family on this blog. They are very private people and I know they don’t want their business in the street. But I must deal with this feeling I have towards my brother. He doesn’t appear to be on my team, you know?
But wow… I just asked him to help… paint… And he said he would!
Wow. Surprises every day. I’m gonna do this. I promise. I don’t want talk too much about it. I just want to do it. Ten days, huh? Ten days of pushing. Sometimes it’s time to push and sometimes you go easy. This is a time to push. My body is recovering and it has more energy. It can handle a bit of pushing now. My emotions are more sensitive than ever, but my brain works now and I actually care about myself a bit. I demand Love from the people I invite into my circle and I step away from those who would hurt me. Although I have been used to being a fighter most of my life, I’m really a lover. Now, I can curse someone out and throw punches if I need to, but most of the time I don’t need to. And I don’t want to. Most of the time I want to be happy.
You remember when I couldn’t even say I wanted to live? You remember when I couldn’t even imagine that good things were possible for me? You remember the days I would go into anxiety attacks just at the thought of writing my script or when I was couch hopping from house to house living in the most dire of situations? You remember when I had demonized my brother so much in my mind that I couldn’t even think a kind thought towards him? Do you remember when my heart was broken into a thousand pieces and I had all these men in my life who never quite wanted to assume the responsibilities of being someone’s man, but always wanted to reap the benefits? Do you remember when I would say I’m a writer but never write? And I would say I’m a lover but never love? There were days when I didn’t honor my feelings or thoughts and by consequence I allowed those around me to dishonor me as well. There were moments, y’all, when life didn’t seem worth living. When it seemed as if suffering and sadness and heartache and loneliness were the only options for me…
Do you remember when the other side of happy was only a dream somewhere out there, never to be realized?..
I remember. And I like to officially announce: THOSE DAYS ARE OVER. Those days are over, you hear? Those days are over. Claim it for yourself. Those. Days. Are. Over. Forever. Casted back into the nothingness from which they came. Those days are over. And we do not condemn the darkness from whence we came. We honor it for the compassion and Love and Wisdom and Courage and Strength it has taught us. We thank it for forcing us to reconnect with Truth. We are grateful because now when tragedies and disappointments come, we know from experience that those days can be over and we don’t stay on the bed crying for too long, because we have seen that life can be worth living. We have seen that we, yes we, with our little selves, can bring light even to our own lives.
And we bring it. Today, God, I walk in the light of all of who I am. I give thanks for the Love growing in me. I give thanks for the Courage growing in me. I give thanks for the Strength moving in me. I give thanks for the Peace of Mind taking me over.
The days of sorrow are something I will write about in a book one day. They will help me be able to look at those who suffer and know that they are not their suffering. I look forward to new days now, though? You hear? I look forward to new days…
Day 355
Those (Sad) Days Are Gone
I have been away for some time. Sorry.
The momentum of the changes I am experiencing have overwhelming and I have not been able to go inwards in over a week.
But yesterday I prayed. And today I’m writing again. Where shall I start?
Men? I walked down the street last week with my body trembling. I had released He Who Came Before. I couldn’t convince myself of a really good reason why I hadn’t chosen him. All I knew is that I didn’t want to. My body had been trembling for two days straight and I decided to go outside, take a walk and run some errands in my neighborhood. I was on my way to a restaurant and passed a man as I turned the corner. “Excuse me,” he said. I kept walking. “Excuse me,” he said. “Can I talk to you?”
I stopped and talked to him. He decided to join me on my walk and we ended up having dinner together.
And everything changed, just like that. For three days in a row, I couldn’t sleep at night. My connection with him was so intense. He had never been in my house, yet I could feel his presence around me all the time. And then I began to feel everything and everyone I interacted with. It’s never happened to me on this level before. If I came across an excited person, I felt excited. If someone was depressed, I became depressed and dark. At work, there was an overwhelming resignation that tugged at my spirit. I felt powerless and at the whim of all the energies I came across. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t even read my books.
It was beyond drowning. It was like a bright light had flashed and I had become blinded by everything. All I could do was cover my eyes and breathe… And so that’s what I did.
And yesterday the blindness ended. I had a meeting about the grievance at my job. After about three months of passing a grievance through different levels at my job, I finally reached the last level. And do you know what they told me? They told me that I couldn’t file a grievance on this issue. They told me that the letter I was grieving about, an inaccurate letter that my supervisor wrote and then asked me to sign, would be put in my temporary file unsigned and would stay there for a year. There was nothing I could do about it.
I left the meeting and called in sick the rest of the day. I came home and took a shower. I washed and washed and washed myself and I cried. Who was I? What had become of my life? Why had I had so many broken relationships, as the new guy asked? What was I doing here? At this job? In this place? What had become of my life and who was this shell of the woman I used to be?
When I got out of the shower, I was able to pray. And so I prayed. For hours. I prayed. I don’t even know what I prayed for. I didn’t pray for answers or things or change. I just prayed so that I could feel something other than what I was feeling. I prayed so that I could be something other than what I was being. I prayed for my life. Robin Williams had just killed himself. He had just killed himself because he saw no other way out. But I didn’t want to kill myself. I wanted to find a way back to life and I was crazy enough to believe that there was a way to find a way back to life.
And so I gave thanks for being crazy. Last night, after going through a week’s worth of tug-of-war with this new guy, we met up in peace. We sat and had dinner together. I told him about some of the things I was going through and he became protective over me. I have not felt protected by a man who has had romantic interest in me for a while. “I’m into you,” he said. We agreed that whether we became a couple or not, we would be good to each other. I think he just might be cool enough to keep his word.
Today I called in to work again. I needed to pray some more. I needed to answer some more questions. Who was I now? Who am I being? What am I doing? And where should I go from here? Is this new guy my husband? Should I build with him yet? He’s nothing like the guys I usually like. He’s not famous or super successful or rich. He doesn’t have an ex-wife or children or some girl he’s emotionally entangled with, like every single guy I’ve ever had a serious relationship with did. He is just beginning to live his life to the fullest and figure out what he wants to do with himself, and that’s OK with me. Up until now, I never realized the beauty of interacting with someone who is not moored to something. There is the opportunity to dream and build together… Wow.
When I asked him where he wants to live for the rest of his life, he said “wherever you want to live.” It was just a flirtatious response, but a part of me knows that this man would actually “Travel the Ends of the Earths” with someone he loves, like Dream Lover had only spoken of doing years ago. He’s available. On the inside. He’s available on the inside! He’s available… Like my Saturday mornings: easy and free and deep. And in this past week, I see that he has a rare characteristic of the alchemists. He has the ability to choose who he is becoming instead of leaning upon who he has been.
He has the ability to wipe the slate of his life clean and start at the beginning, and today I am feeling into that energy. I’m not in Love yet, and it is very possible that I may never be in Love with him, but I am at the beginning. My attachments to the past are becoming less and less and I am seeing where my suffering was coming from: a lack of choice.
I had been holding on to a woman who is no longer me. I had been tarrying in relationships that had run their course long ago. I had had one foot in Heaven and the other on Earth and I had been wearing shoes that I had long outgrown. I had been afraid to let go of who I had been for the hope of the blessing of who I am becoming. And as I write these words, the fear still exists, but the faith has finally become stronger than the fear and the lessons of the past can finally be implemented into this stubborn girl’s life.
I am choosing Love again. Not just in Words. I am choosing Passion again. Again and again. I am choosing Truth again and Receptivity and Availability and Openness and Strength and Cleanliness. I am choosing Purity and Patience. I am choosing to be the biggest nerd ever and have Integrity. I am choosing Spiritual Power and I am choosing a good life at Last. I am coming Home to myself at Last…
Thank You, God.
Day 354
In The Beginning (Choice)
Men…
Men, men, men, men, men…. Men.
This post is about men. I’m clear about what I want to talk about. Men. Relationships and the amount of time and energy they consume. And the necessity of them all.
I went out of state and saw a man this past weekend. The man who shattered my whole world. He Who Came Before. He was just as handsome as ever. Rich. Loving. His house looked just the way it did when we lived together years ago, except he had some new furniture in some places. His breath smelled different. Like a woman. Whichever woman he’s been entangled with. His breath wasn’t his breath. It was his breath plus someone else’s…
Men.
We talked, but not that much. Mostly we just sat around and watched TV together, cuddled and kept quiet. He said he was still in love with me. He asked me to come and save him…
Men… I know there was a time when I was head over heels in love with him. There was a time when I gave up everything and skipped town to be with him just because I didn’t want to spend another day without him.
And his life is good. His life is easy. He is done with struggling and all that survival stuff and now he just chills all day. And he would support me. I would be his muse…
Men.
I wanted to give him something while I was there, but he didn’t want to accept. Told me that he would accept my gift if I did something for him. Bargaining. I told him never mind. It was a small conversation. A small thing, but it is the root of the reason we won’t get back together. There is too much bargaining at the root of our relationship…
When I came back home, I told the new dude who claims to be my soul mate that I had gone and seen my ex. He hung up the phone on me and then sent me a text msg wishing me peace and good luck on my journey. I went through the four stages of rage in about forty minutes, and now I am sitting here thinking about men.
And how they have been the ruler of my life for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful. I Love them more than anything. But there is a difference between a good thing and a bad thing, and sometimes we get so caught up on just having a thing that we forget why we are interested in relationships in the first place…
I used to love He Who Came Before. I love him still. And when I got home, I was really having a hard time figuring out how one decides who to spend one’s life with. I tried the whole “just follow your heart” thing, but that has some missing parts to it. And making a list of attributes and seeing if someone fits isn’t the whole picture either. I was a little confused and on my way home I ran into you know who, My Neighbor. He had been away for some time and just got back home today. He invited me to lunch but I passed because I needed to take a nap. Then when I got off work, just as I was about to walk into my house, he was walking out of his.
We took it as a sign (we had run into each other twice in one day and we usually only run into each other about twice a month) and I went with him to run some errands. He talked about his life. I talked about mine. I was glad that I’m not jealous of his relationship anymore and I’m OK with the idea of never being with him. We talked as friends and I was uplifted. My neighbor opens doors. He’s nice to women, not just the ones he wants something from. He’s open and honest. What I like most about him, though, is that he never seems to be wanting me to be anything other than me, and he thinks I’m pretty cool. It sounds really vain, and it is, but there is something so relaxing and easy about being around someone who just wants to be around because they want to be around you…
You know, I’ve spent most of my life being surrounded by some man that thinks I need to be more this and less that and don’t talk so loud or smile bigger or not so big… Or stay home or go to work or get it together or don’t be too together or be virginal or explore my sexuality. Pray this way or don’t pray at all. Wear this clothes, live this place, etc, etc. And I have spent most of my life listening and trying to be this, that and the other so that some man would like me.
My daddy would be disappointed. Because my daddy loved me just as I was. He didn’t live long enough to tell me about grown-up things, but I think my dad would be proud if he knew about this revelation that I’m having right now. The right man will want to Love you just as you are, and you will want to Love him just as he is. There is no need to force anything. There is no need to pretend to be someone you are not. There is no need to try to convince yourself when it comes to Love…
What the old folks say is right. You will know when you know and you will know when you don’t know. And I’d like to add, you will know when you are lying to yourself. And when you realize you are lying to yourself, stop it while you can…
I am remembering Love and Ease. Dad, I am remembering your smile and the way you used to joke. Almost Famous, I am remembering your Grace and Humility, Your Integrity and Compassion. Neighbor, I am thinking on your Openness and your unassuming way. I am reflecting on the way you ask but don’t demand anything. My friend C, I am thinking on how you always offer me food before you eat and don’t think anything of it. And My Best Friend, I am thinking on how you gently nudge me to be better always. You listen and grow.
As I move forward on this, the most challenging part of my journey, facing the men of my past and calling forth the man of my future, I lean on your spirits. I lean on the knowledge that good men exist. I have known them. I know them! They are real. All of the liars and the users and the miserly takers… All of the fearful ones and the manipulators and the ones who always point fingers… All of the ones who would drain your life for their pleasure, the ones who never grow up and think too much of their own thoughts… Well, they exist, too, but we shall not call them men. We shall not call them anything. We shall not call them into our lives anymore…
Ameen.
Day 353
Men
Hi there.
For the past few days, I’ve been writing long blog entries and then before I can finish, someone calls and I have to take the call or I have a meeting or something. I know it’s just my delay tactic. It’s me not wanting to be done.
Good evening. So much has transpired since my last entry. I went to a women’s retreat called “Sojourn To Truth”. Over 300 women gathered out in nature and took a moment to consider what they would like to do with this thing called life. We prayed together, meditated, went out to the ocean at dawn, confessed, sang together, danced and allowed ourselves to recognize that we could be supporters and we can be supported on our paths. We accepted support. The retreat also had several body healers. Everything from massage to acupuncture to Angel therapy. I went to myofascial body healer and I had to leave the retreat after he worked on me. I got off of his table with a new body. All of the pains that I have had for over eight months were gone. I couldn’t even walk straight. I asked him if the healing would last and he said that it depends on what I do and who I surround myself with…
Five days later, tonight, I am home. I just finished a prayer that took about two hours. I really Love to pray and meditate. I know it sounds weird, but I Love to be able to sit down and close my eyes and see what else there is in the world besides all of things I see on the outside world. Imagine if I didn’t pray. Imagine if I didn’t imagine. I would be plumb crazy if the only things I believed in were the experiences that I’ve seen with my own two eyes. I read spiritual books and stories of other people’s lives. I pray and meditate and I am transported to another realm of existence. And from there I can see the direction that my life is going. I can speak the direction that I want it to go.
This past week, two guys from my past contacted me. I can’t make this stuff up. They are both guys that I grew up with. They didn’t even make it to my list of men I need to get closure with because we were never really in relationships. One of them had asked me to marry him before I came to Cali, and the other was someone a relative had tried to hook me up with and I didn’t want to be with. I haven’t talked to either of them in more than three years and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they have reached out to me now. Although I had not been holding on to them, they had been holding on to me, and I had said a prayer to God asking to be Free. Energy is energy. It only makes sense that they would call me now. Thank you, God, for the opportunity to part ways with Peace and Understanding.
Tomorrow I am leaving to visit the Man who initiated the falling apart of all things known, the one who broke my heart, which caused my mind and spirit to break which caused my life to fall apart which caused me to cry every day which caused me to write this blog. Things have come full circle. My life was changed after the first time I left him, and I’m sure it will be changed after this visit. This time, I am not afraid, though. I look forward to what is to come. It can only be Freedom because this is what I have prayed for. Freedom. To be without blockage. Like my body feels. The euphoria is wearing off, but for a moment I felt what it was like to be completely free in my body. Without blockage. Soon I will know what it is like to be completely free in my Heart and Spirit…
I thought this blog was about getting out of depression and it was, and it is, but You see, getting out of depression was only the beginning. The next part is Freedom. The next part is life on the other side of happy. Yes! I know, everyone doesn’t want to live like this. I know everyone doesn’t care. I go to work with people who don’t care every day. I walk down the streets and feel the aura of broken souls every day of my life. And I get it. Maybe I’m a little different or weird or whatever. Maybe I am a fool for believing that a life of happiness and Love and integrity, a life where one is totally in alignment with the calling of one’s soul, a life where all needs are met, a life of passion and truth, a life filled with joy and mutual goodwill are possible. But I believe it. Maybe I’m a revolutionary.
I am willing to keep working until this life that I believe is possible becomes my life. I am willing to keep digging until all the skeletons come out of the closet, until all the moths fly free from my heart. I am alive, You see. We are alive! We are alive! We are alive! The storms didn’t kill us and we stand here more vibrant than we’ve ever been, more wise than we have ever imagined. Strong and gentle. Open. We stand here humbled. Grateful. Kind. We understand that we, too, are co-creators of our destiny. Freedom, Come Now. We are willing to Live. We are Choosing to Live. Come now. We can handle you now. Oh, come Freedom. Please. Come…
Ameen.
Day 352
Come Freedom, Come.
This is a two-in-one day blog. Maybe it will make up for the two days with no writing. Really I’m writing because I need to. This works better than praying and meditating, better than eating or dancing, better than spending time with folks or taking a walk… writing works better than anything for me to sort out my thoughts. It is my comfort and Love…
Hi there. I got off the bed. Today was a tough one. I said I’m not complaining anymore, so I’m trying to figure out how to express myself and get everything out without complaining yet still being honest. OK. Maybe I will just state the facts without writing them from the point of view of a victim.
I went to work today. We have a mini call center that my supervisors made up so that each worker doesn’t have to answer the phone every day. We take turns spending a day at the call center and today was my day. It was really busy. In addition to working at the call center, I had to turn in my daily report. We keep count of all the cases we work on. With my old supervisor, he used to keep count, but with the new supervisor, now we fill it out. I looked at the report and looked at the column where it said “cumulative cases”. I imagine that cumulative means cumulative. However, the number on the report did not reflect the actual number of cumulative cases that I have. I had way more cases than was being reported. When I told my new supervisor, he said don’t worry about it and just keep the number that was on the report.
The thing is, when you get assigned cases, they assign them to you based upon the number of cases they think you have. So if you don’t have a lot of cases, they are going to give you a lot more. And being that I am reporting fewer cases than I actually have, I’m going to keep getting a lot more. I felt really powerless. My supervisor doesn’t really care about doing things right and I do…
So I came home and decided not to work after work like I usually do. Usually I’ll work on some writing project, exercise, go to project or career-related meetings, talk on the phone, or go hang out with someone after work. I usually don’t have down time until Saturday, but today I took a break. I put my phone on silent and decided not to do anything. Because I didn’t want to do anything. And I started finishing Season One of “Sex And The City”. If you haven’t watched it, Sex And The City is 30 minute TV show about middle-aged (32-42 yrs) single women who are trying to navigate relationships in New York City. It’s a really honest portrayal of what dating is like in the big city and it really speaks of the fears and desires of middle-aged “career women” (or used-to-be career women who have now become housewives). The sad and very realistic thing about the show is that nobody is happy. Many of the married women have settled for less than their hearts’ desires and although they have husbands and children, they feel like they have lost themselves. They envy the single women’s freedom. The single women, on the other hand, meet man after man and go on all these adventures, but eventually they come home alone and spend time with their female friends when they are lonely. They experiment with sex in a variety of ways when they get the urge, and although they are wealthy and successful and even free, they never get a companion to build things with. For the season finale, the main character wants to meet the mother of a man she has been dating for months. When he tells her, “I can’t introduce my mother to just another girlfriend” she realizes that he does not think she is “the one” and breaks the relationship off…
I finished watching the season finale and had a hard time getting off the bed. I know I am none of those characters, but really there are parts of me in all of them. I am a single woman in a big city who has lofty dreams coupled with the inability to settle. I actually believe in the possibility of this happy thing. What am I gonna do about that, God? All of the people I know who pretend to be happy are just pretending. How can I believe in something I’ve never seen or experienced? And if I can’t believe in it, if I think it’s never going to happen, what’s the point of getting off the bed?
I’m not a puppet like my supervisor. I just can’t pretend that things are right when I know they’re wrong. Sometimes I feel like it’s a curse. Try as I may, I can’t be a faker. At this point, my body won’t even allow it. It breaks down and stuff.
If I got anything from the service at my spiritual center yesterday, it was to eliminate the don’t’s, should’s and but’s from my motivational vocabulary. Meaning give up on thinking “I don’t want”, “I should”, and “I want, but..” from my motivational dictionary and start building from a vision.
I was just thinking I don’t want to be sad anymore. I’m so sick of it. But the world is not going to change just so I can be happy, so how can I change the thought “I don’t want to be sad” into something visionary?
-Speak on the Vision, You say.
It is the hardest thing to do. Speak on a vision when I have no evidence that the manifestation of such vision is possible instead of saying what I don’t want. At this point, though, I have to do something that I haven’t done before and so I will try this method. Speak on the Vision, You say.
And so I’ll speak on it. For me and for the world.
-Start With Yourself, You say.
OK. I will speak on the vision for myself. If I am speaking on sadness being gone, what comes after sadness being gone? Happiness? But what does that mean?
-That is a good place to start, You say. What does happiness mean to you?
Happiness means being a woman and doing the work I’ve been called to do. More than a housewife. But it also means having a true companion whom I adore and who adores me. It means having some children and being completely able to be my authentic self with no hiding. It means having peace in my mind and a clean heart. It means having a clean home that smells good and being near clean air and nature. It means being financially independent. Happiness means being excited about life and making things fun. It means exploring things with eyes of a child and feeling safe. Happiness means having friends (females included) who I can trust and be myself with and spend time with. Happiness means being passionate. I would like a life where I experience happiness… Is that good?
– Yes, You say. Write it down tonight. Put it on your wall. You must keep speaking your vision lest you get swept away in all the world is selling you. Every day, You hear? Every day no matter how you feel. For the next two weeks, We will make this our practice. We will practice now All that We have learned. Don’t worry about them saying you have changed. Yes, you have changed. You were looking to change. You have finally realized that you are not the kind to settle…
Day 351
A Way Out Of Sadness (Speak On The Vision)
Good Morning.
I know, it’s been two days. All I can say is I’m sorry. My days have been on go from 7a to 11:30 these past two days. I know, that leaves 30 minutes to write, and I’ve been intending to, but then I fall asleep. So I’ll keep trying. I may not write this weekend. I’m going on a women’s retreat. I’ll bring my computer, though, just in case.
Good morning. I had such lovely dreams last night. I wish I would have written them down. Beings came to me in the night. I know that sounds weird. But it felt like something celestial came to me in the night and started taking things out of my head and clearing out my brain. Like they were taking cobwebs out or something. That’s what it looked like. “They” didn’t look like anything that I remember, and I don’t remember what they said, either. But this morning my head feels lighter. There’s not this sense of pressure that has been there for a while. I’m not going to write too long because I want to pray this morning.
I hung out with Free yesterday. He came with me to my spiritual center. He’s extremely awkward and nerdy, to the point that it’s funny. And he’s super sweet. He definitely doesn’t know how to act around women. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me that he’s never had a girlfriend before… I like him, though. Not particularly romantically attracted to him at this point, but he’s really good people and I’d like to be around him more.
There’s not much drama to write about… My brother and I are friends now. I don’t know how it happened. God, You forced us to live together, and it was tough and heavy and now it’s easy and light. I don’t feel all that pain and resentment. We talk to each other and joke and laugh. We are not fake around each other. We are peaceful on purpose. It’s been a long time coming.
And the men? Well, I had been having a hard time releasing them because some of them didn’t want to let go. They have been addicted to fantasies. They don’t really want a real life woman. They just want a thought to hold on to so they can feel connected to something. They want something out there in the future to keep them motivated. I had been trying to talk to all these people from my past and come to peaceful agreements. You know, we were supposed to talk about whatever transpired between us and then say thank you for everything, I’m sorry for everything and either say goodbye or change the nature of our relationship… Well these men haven’t been trying to do that. They want to change the nature of our relationship, all right, in that they want me to get with their programs, which usually involve me being a mistress or getting with some dude with no ambition who’s house smells like moth balls or helping someone start a business that I really don’t believe in or care about. They have been fighting me, blatantly telling me that they are never going to let me go. It’s been tough for me. Life stuff like work and paying bills and survival things have never been hard for me, but emotional stuff? It can get ahold of me and have me down and out for months and years… Not anymore, though.
This is why abusive men don’t like their women to read books or hang out with other folk or spend too much time alone. We start getting ideas. We start seeing the bigger picture. Yesterday I had an epiphany. I don’t have to ask for anyone’s permission to let me go. I am the boss of my life. I don’t have to wait and get joined to the hip with some man and get with his plans for the future. I can make my own plans. I know those two statements seem anti-relationship, but they’re not. There’s something wonderful to be said about a woman with her own vision. The kind of man I like likes a woman with her own vision and her own plans. He doesn’t want to tell her how to do everything. He wants someone who comes with her own things to partner with. Me, too. I want a guy who has kind of figured some things out on his own. He has figured out who he is and I have figured out who I am and from there we can decide who we want to be together and what kind of team we want to build.
I can’t believe I had been sitting over here asking these guys for permission to let them go. They had been taking advantage of my kindness. Yesterday I told one of them goodbye. I just told the truth and he couldn’t stand it. After I told him I’m saying goodbye with no questions asked, he apologized for being pushy, etc, and finally said he’s willing to move on…
So this blog is about moving on and making your own plans. If you don’t make plans, someone will make plans for you and want you to be on their team. It is scary for a woman to make her own plans because we think that if we are too independent, there will be no space for a man or men won’t like us. In your plans, plan for a man as well. Leave space in your day for him. If your day is jam-packed with activity from waking ’till dawn, there won’t be any room for him. So leave some room in your schedule for some quality time with a man. Spend it with yourself for now, but don’t just hide out in your room. Put yourself in places and situations where the man of your dreams can see you. Make yourself available. And move on with your life. Get your stuff together, pay your debts, and clean out your closets. Just get it together already. It may not be easy, but it’s usually easier than it seems once you get in the flow of things.
Today I’m in the flow. I’m moving on, Allah. Finally and at last and now. I bless my own self in this moment. I bless the day that has yet to unfold. I Bless the people I am letting go of. May there hearts be at ease and may they know the fulfillment of their heart’s desire. I Bless the past and the woman that I used to be. I thank You for it all, Allah, and I move on. Ameen.
Day 350
On Moving On
Hi.
I almost missed tonight. Fell asleep and got woken up by a text msg. I’m not feeling too well.
Head hurts. Emotions running amuck. Tough day. Promised not to complain, so I won’t. Time is passing.
Allah, help me catch it. Wanted to spend my day catching up, but couldn’t. Is there some grant or some scholarship for people like me? We need a good three months just to sit down and catch up with our lives. We are so behind. We need to have our needs paid for while we sit around and exercise, eat healthy, heal, clean out all of the closets, make a home, organize and plan. Perhaps one day I will start a fund like this. The finishers fund. The “catch-up” fund. It’s for people who’s cause I can believe in. People with great spirits who have gotten behind in life for one reason or another.
I talked to a Saint today. Some new guy I met a few months ago who only started calling me about a week ago. He’s an international businessman, consultant, and motivational speaker. He used to be a successful track runner until he injured himself. Now he makes a life out of helping others live their dreams. He wants to help me. I really don’t know why. I think he likes me because I’m a girl and maybe he’s trying to get with me, but I think him wanting to help me goes beyond that. I think he just wants to help me because he wants to help me. I told him about my life today and I could feel him feeling sorry for me. And then I started feeling sorry for myself. It’s weird. I hardly get any pity or compassion in my life no matter what I’m going through. People always think I’m so strong. But I could feel his compassion. I could feel that he really wanted to help me. There’s was no secret agenda. And the feeling was a bit overwhelming. Because he doesn’t know me like that. How could he just be over here trying to help me?
Someone wants to hire me to write “commercial” webi-sodes. He made me an offer to write about things that sell, ie sex, lies, drama, vulgarity. I thought about it and I couldn’t take the offer. I don’t want to start off writing by thinking about what is commercial. I want to start by being inspired about what I want to write about and then figuring out how to make it commercial, and I’m not going to put more pollution in the world just to make a quick buck. I realized that I’m not money motivated. I’m not doing this for the money or the fame or for my mom to be proud of me or to “show them” that I can do it. I’m doing this because I really don’t have a choice. If I don’t write and tell the stories within me, if I don’t Love with all of me, if I don’t finish things, then my body breaks down. My mind goes crazy. If I go against my conscience then I have a really hard time making it through the day without crying. I have passed the point of no return. Sleeping well at night and having joy and peace in my heart are my greatest motivations…
I’m wondering if this new guy (I’ll call him Free) is going to be my husband. I call him Free because he has managed to be in the world but not of it. He is not a product of his past or his culture or upbringing. He is a product of his visions. He’s not the cutest and he’s somewhat meek, and I imagine that he hasn’t really broken that many hearts. I don’t know him at all, but this is what I’m sensing. He is free from all the heaviness and the meanness in the world. He just seems so very lighthearted. God Bless him. God Bless him. God Bless him.
I’m sorry, but this blog doesn’t really have a theme this evening. It’s a just a hodgepodge of my thoughts and feelings. My entire body is tingling, but I don’t feel excited. I feel relieved. I feel like I am finally deciding how I’m going to live my life from this point forward. Unburdened. Untethered. Free. Guided. With conviction. Strong. Brave. Kind. Happy. Free, You may help me if you wish, and if it is God’s will, You may marry me, in fact. I accept. I agree. I say Yes… I’ve reached the point of no return and I couldn’t thank God more…
Day 349
The Point Of No Return
Good evening World. Loves. How are you? I hope all is well in your life. Even if all does not seem well, we are still alive, and so there is still an opportunity for all to be well.
Good evening. I am feeling really grateful right now. I let go of another attachment today. Someone I have known for over six years. I dated him for a few months and he has been hanging around as a “friend” ever since. A friend who kind of sort of treats me like a boyfriend every now and then and dotes over me. I’ve told him that I’m not romantically interested in him for the past five years, but yet I still hang out with him every now and then and I kind of sort of allow him to treat me as his girlfriend every now and then.
Today I decided to stop being a heartbreaker. I’ve tried to let go of this guy several times in the past, and he has never agreed to separating, but today he said that he was willing to let this thing go and part ways and I know it is done. It is done. It is done. It is done. Another goodbye. And although there are tears in my eyes, I am not sad. I am relieved, Allah. I can do this. I can let go of something sure for the promise of something unsure. They will call me crazy, but this is what faith is. Soon I will speak of my new life and my new husband and they will say that it all made sense.
But it all makes sense to me now. You can not be emotionally available if you are not emotionally available. You can not have time to cultivate something new if you do not have time to cultivate something new. And you can not have space in your life for the new thing if you do not have space in your life for the new thing. And the new thing is finally calling me. I am finally being pulled by a vision instead of being pushed by pain. It all works out either way. This way is nicer.
Today I was able to imagine reciprocity. I like a guy and he likes me. A guy wants to Love me and I want to Love him. We Love each other and build together. Me, I, am in this picture happy. What do I look like? I don’t have all these ex-boyfriends hanging around me propositioning me all the time. My debts are paid or in repayment. My room is clean. I am either working towards or already working at meaningful work in the world. I have a few female friends. I am in good physical shape. This is the woman that the man I love wants to be with. This is the woman that I want to be. The woman I am finally becoming.
Things are becoming so clear for me now, Allah. We have this thing called a life. And it is a gift. Each one’s life is different. Each one’s capacities are different. Each one’s circumstances at birth are different, but all of us are gifted just by the virtue of being alive. And we learn all of these things about the world and money and women and men and we forget who we are along the way. And sometimes we remember. Sometimes, like now for me, we remember who we dreamed of being when we were little kids. We remember how we said we were going to change the world and we remember how we thought Love was possible. We remember moments of pure bliss and ecstasy and we remember a time when life was easy. There were no frowns on our foreheads. Things weren’t so heavy. Energy flowed through our bodies easily and we could touch our toes without our backs hurting.
There was a time in life, if even for a moment, when life was good. And if you can remember that time, then you can stretch your brain and reason that a good life is possible for you. And maybe you will be able to see the way back home. It may not be easy. In fact, it will probably be hard. But I can honestly say that this moment of peace and understanding is worth every tear that I’ve ever cried. It is worth every heartbreak. I am becoming my dream come true. My life is becoming my dream come true. God has led me through the storms and back and I have gleaned the experiential understandings that a wise woman needs. I can talk about Love now and know what I’m talking about. I can talk about forgiveness and rage and passion and confusion. I can talk about desperation and depression. And I can talk about happiness.
Happiness is the moment that you realize that your life is ahead of you. Happiness is when you remember who you dreamed yourself to be and know that you have the mental and emotional fortitude to continue doing what you need to do until you become her. Happiness is when you can look around you and see that the people in your life are all your brothers and sisters and you are all connected. Happiness is seeing the path back home to yourself and being able to walk it. And, oh, happiness is when you can Love with your arms wide open and smile with your biggest smile and give like you have nothing to lose. For in fact, there is nothing to lose. Happiness is realizing that there is nothing to lose. There is nothing to lose. This life is a gift and it is ours for the having…
Ameen.
Day 348
The Gift Of Life
