Men…
Men, men, men, men, men…. Men.
This post is about men. I’m clear about what I want to talk about. Men. Relationships and the amount of time and energy they consume. And the necessity of them all.
I went out of state and saw a man this past weekend. The man who shattered my whole world. He Who Came Before. He was just as handsome as ever. Rich. Loving. His house looked just the way it did when we lived together years ago, except he had some new furniture in some places. His breath smelled different. Like a woman. Whichever woman he’s been entangled with. His breath wasn’t his breath. It was his breath plus someone else’s…
Men.
We talked, but not that much. Mostly we just sat around and watched TV together, cuddled and kept quiet. He said he was still in love with me. He asked me to come and save him…
Men… I know there was a time when I was head over heels in love with him. There was a time when I gave up everything and skipped town to be with him just because I didn’t want to spend another day without him.
And his life is good. His life is easy. He is done with struggling and all that survival stuff and now he just chills all day. And he would support me. I would be his muse…
Men.
I wanted to give him something while I was there, but he didn’t want to accept. Told me that he would accept my gift if I did something for him. Bargaining. I told him never mind. It was a small conversation. A small thing, but it is the root of the reason we won’t get back together. There is too much bargaining at the root of our relationship…
When I came back home, I told the new dude who claims to be my soul mate that I had gone and seen my ex. He hung up the phone on me and then sent me a text msg wishing me peace and good luck on my journey. I went through the four stages of rage in about forty minutes, and now I am sitting here thinking about men.
And how they have been the ruler of my life for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful. I Love them more than anything. But there is a difference between a good thing and a bad thing, and sometimes we get so caught up on just having a thing that we forget why we are interested in relationships in the first place…
I used to love He Who Came Before. I love him still. And when I got home, I was really having a hard time figuring out how one decides who to spend one’s life with. I tried the whole “just follow your heart” thing, but that has some missing parts to it. And making a list of attributes and seeing if someone fits isn’t the whole picture either. I was a little confused and on my way home I ran into you know who, My Neighbor. He had been away for some time and just got back home today. He invited me to lunch but I passed because I needed to take a nap. Then when I got off work, just as I was about to walk into my house, he was walking out of his.
We took it as a sign (we had run into each other twice in one day and we usually only run into each other about twice a month) and I went with him to run some errands. He talked about his life. I talked about mine. I was glad that I’m not jealous of his relationship anymore and I’m OK with the idea of never being with him. We talked as friends and I was uplifted. My neighbor opens doors. He’s nice to women, not just the ones he wants something from. He’s open and honest. What I like most about him, though, is that he never seems to be wanting me to be anything other than me, and he thinks I’m pretty cool. It sounds really vain, and it is, but there is something so relaxing and easy about being around someone who just wants to be around because they want to be around you…
You know, I’ve spent most of my life being surrounded by some man that thinks I need to be more this and less that and don’t talk so loud or smile bigger or not so big… Or stay home or go to work or get it together or don’t be too together or be virginal or explore my sexuality. Pray this way or don’t pray at all. Wear this clothes, live this place, etc, etc. And I have spent most of my life listening and trying to be this, that and the other so that some man would like me.
My daddy would be disappointed. Because my daddy loved me just as I was. He didn’t live long enough to tell me about grown-up things, but I think my dad would be proud if he knew about this revelation that I’m having right now. The right man will want to Love you just as you are, and you will want to Love him just as he is. There is no need to force anything. There is no need to pretend to be someone you are not. There is no need to try to convince yourself when it comes to Love…
What the old folks say is right. You will know when you know and you will know when you don’t know. And I’d like to add, you will know when you are lying to yourself. And when you realize you are lying to yourself, stop it while you can…
I am remembering Love and Ease. Dad, I am remembering your smile and the way you used to joke. Almost Famous, I am remembering your Grace and Humility, Your Integrity and Compassion. Neighbor, I am thinking on your Openness and your unassuming way. I am reflecting on the way you ask but don’t demand anything. My friend C, I am thinking on how you always offer me food before you eat and don’t think anything of it. And My Best Friend, I am thinking on how you gently nudge me to be better always. You listen and grow.
As I move forward on this, the most challenging part of my journey, facing the men of my past and calling forth the man of my future, I lean on your spirits. I lean on the knowledge that good men exist. I have known them. I know them! They are real. All of the liars and the users and the miserly takers… All of the fearful ones and the manipulators and the ones who always point fingers… All of the ones who would drain your life for their pleasure, the ones who never grow up and think too much of their own thoughts… Well, they exist, too, but we shall not call them men. We shall not call them anything. We shall not call them into our lives anymore…
Ameen.
Day 353
Men
Hi there.
For the past few days, I’ve been writing long blog entries and then before I can finish, someone calls and I have to take the call or I have a meeting or something. I know it’s just my delay tactic. It’s me not wanting to be done.
Good evening. So much has transpired since my last entry. I went to a women’s retreat called “Sojourn To Truth”. Over 300 women gathered out in nature and took a moment to consider what they would like to do with this thing called life. We prayed together, meditated, went out to the ocean at dawn, confessed, sang together, danced and allowed ourselves to recognize that we could be supporters and we can be supported on our paths. We accepted support. The retreat also had several body healers. Everything from massage to acupuncture to Angel therapy. I went to myofascial body healer and I had to leave the retreat after he worked on me. I got off of his table with a new body. All of the pains that I have had for over eight months were gone. I couldn’t even walk straight. I asked him if the healing would last and he said that it depends on what I do and who I surround myself with…
Five days later, tonight, I am home. I just finished a prayer that took about two hours. I really Love to pray and meditate. I know it sounds weird, but I Love to be able to sit down and close my eyes and see what else there is in the world besides all of things I see on the outside world. Imagine if I didn’t pray. Imagine if I didn’t imagine. I would be plumb crazy if the only things I believed in were the experiences that I’ve seen with my own two eyes. I read spiritual books and stories of other people’s lives. I pray and meditate and I am transported to another realm of existence. And from there I can see the direction that my life is going. I can speak the direction that I want it to go.
This past week, two guys from my past contacted me. I can’t make this stuff up. They are both guys that I grew up with. They didn’t even make it to my list of men I need to get closure with because we were never really in relationships. One of them had asked me to marry him before I came to Cali, and the other was someone a relative had tried to hook me up with and I didn’t want to be with. I haven’t talked to either of them in more than three years and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they have reached out to me now. Although I had not been holding on to them, they had been holding on to me, and I had said a prayer to God asking to be Free. Energy is energy. It only makes sense that they would call me now. Thank you, God, for the opportunity to part ways with Peace and Understanding.
Tomorrow I am leaving to visit the Man who initiated the falling apart of all things known, the one who broke my heart, which caused my mind and spirit to break which caused my life to fall apart which caused me to cry every day which caused me to write this blog. Things have come full circle. My life was changed after the first time I left him, and I’m sure it will be changed after this visit. This time, I am not afraid, though. I look forward to what is to come. It can only be Freedom because this is what I have prayed for. Freedom. To be without blockage. Like my body feels. The euphoria is wearing off, but for a moment I felt what it was like to be completely free in my body. Without blockage. Soon I will know what it is like to be completely free in my Heart and Spirit…
I thought this blog was about getting out of depression and it was, and it is, but You see, getting out of depression was only the beginning. The next part is Freedom. The next part is life on the other side of happy. Yes! I know, everyone doesn’t want to live like this. I know everyone doesn’t care. I go to work with people who don’t care every day. I walk down the streets and feel the aura of broken souls every day of my life. And I get it. Maybe I’m a little different or weird or whatever. Maybe I am a fool for believing that a life of happiness and Love and integrity, a life where one is totally in alignment with the calling of one’s soul, a life where all needs are met, a life of passion and truth, a life filled with joy and mutual goodwill are possible. But I believe it. Maybe I’m a revolutionary.
I am willing to keep working until this life that I believe is possible becomes my life. I am willing to keep digging until all the skeletons come out of the closet, until all the moths fly free from my heart. I am alive, You see. We are alive! We are alive! We are alive! The storms didn’t kill us and we stand here more vibrant than we’ve ever been, more wise than we have ever imagined. Strong and gentle. Open. We stand here humbled. Grateful. Kind. We understand that we, too, are co-creators of our destiny. Freedom, Come Now. We are willing to Live. We are Choosing to Live. Come now. We can handle you now. Oh, come Freedom. Please. Come…
Ameen.
Day 352
Come Freedom, Come.
This is a two-in-one day blog. Maybe it will make up for the two days with no writing. Really I’m writing because I need to. This works better than praying and meditating, better than eating or dancing, better than spending time with folks or taking a walk… writing works better than anything for me to sort out my thoughts. It is my comfort and Love…
Hi there. I got off the bed. Today was a tough one. I said I’m not complaining anymore, so I’m trying to figure out how to express myself and get everything out without complaining yet still being honest. OK. Maybe I will just state the facts without writing them from the point of view of a victim.
I went to work today. We have a mini call center that my supervisors made up so that each worker doesn’t have to answer the phone every day. We take turns spending a day at the call center and today was my day. It was really busy. In addition to working at the call center, I had to turn in my daily report. We keep count of all the cases we work on. With my old supervisor, he used to keep count, but with the new supervisor, now we fill it out. I looked at the report and looked at the column where it said “cumulative cases”. I imagine that cumulative means cumulative. However, the number on the report did not reflect the actual number of cumulative cases that I have. I had way more cases than was being reported. When I told my new supervisor, he said don’t worry about it and just keep the number that was on the report.
The thing is, when you get assigned cases, they assign them to you based upon the number of cases they think you have. So if you don’t have a lot of cases, they are going to give you a lot more. And being that I am reporting fewer cases than I actually have, I’m going to keep getting a lot more. I felt really powerless. My supervisor doesn’t really care about doing things right and I do…
So I came home and decided not to work after work like I usually do. Usually I’ll work on some writing project, exercise, go to project or career-related meetings, talk on the phone, or go hang out with someone after work. I usually don’t have down time until Saturday, but today I took a break. I put my phone on silent and decided not to do anything. Because I didn’t want to do anything. And I started finishing Season One of “Sex And The City”. If you haven’t watched it, Sex And The City is 30 minute TV show about middle-aged (32-42 yrs) single women who are trying to navigate relationships in New York City. It’s a really honest portrayal of what dating is like in the big city and it really speaks of the fears and desires of middle-aged “career women” (or used-to-be career women who have now become housewives). The sad and very realistic thing about the show is that nobody is happy. Many of the married women have settled for less than their hearts’ desires and although they have husbands and children, they feel like they have lost themselves. They envy the single women’s freedom. The single women, on the other hand, meet man after man and go on all these adventures, but eventually they come home alone and spend time with their female friends when they are lonely. They experiment with sex in a variety of ways when they get the urge, and although they are wealthy and successful and even free, they never get a companion to build things with. For the season finale, the main character wants to meet the mother of a man she has been dating for months. When he tells her, “I can’t introduce my mother to just another girlfriend” she realizes that he does not think she is “the one” and breaks the relationship off…
I finished watching the season finale and had a hard time getting off the bed. I know I am none of those characters, but really there are parts of me in all of them. I am a single woman in a big city who has lofty dreams coupled with the inability to settle. I actually believe in the possibility of this happy thing. What am I gonna do about that, God? All of the people I know who pretend to be happy are just pretending. How can I believe in something I’ve never seen or experienced? And if I can’t believe in it, if I think it’s never going to happen, what’s the point of getting off the bed?
I’m not a puppet like my supervisor. I just can’t pretend that things are right when I know they’re wrong. Sometimes I feel like it’s a curse. Try as I may, I can’t be a faker. At this point, my body won’t even allow it. It breaks down and stuff.
If I got anything from the service at my spiritual center yesterday, it was to eliminate the don’t’s, should’s and but’s from my motivational vocabulary. Meaning give up on thinking “I don’t want”, “I should”, and “I want, but..” from my motivational dictionary and start building from a vision.
I was just thinking I don’t want to be sad anymore. I’m so sick of it. But the world is not going to change just so I can be happy, so how can I change the thought “I don’t want to be sad” into something visionary?
-Speak on the Vision, You say.
It is the hardest thing to do. Speak on a vision when I have no evidence that the manifestation of such vision is possible instead of saying what I don’t want. At this point, though, I have to do something that I haven’t done before and so I will try this method. Speak on the Vision, You say.
And so I’ll speak on it. For me and for the world.
-Start With Yourself, You say.
OK. I will speak on the vision for myself. If I am speaking on sadness being gone, what comes after sadness being gone? Happiness? But what does that mean?
-That is a good place to start, You say. What does happiness mean to you?
Happiness means being a woman and doing the work I’ve been called to do. More than a housewife. But it also means having a true companion whom I adore and who adores me. It means having some children and being completely able to be my authentic self with no hiding. It means having peace in my mind and a clean heart. It means having a clean home that smells good and being near clean air and nature. It means being financially independent. Happiness means being excited about life and making things fun. It means exploring things with eyes of a child and feeling safe. Happiness means having friends (females included) who I can trust and be myself with and spend time with. Happiness means being passionate. I would like a life where I experience happiness… Is that good?
– Yes, You say. Write it down tonight. Put it on your wall. You must keep speaking your vision lest you get swept away in all the world is selling you. Every day, You hear? Every day no matter how you feel. For the next two weeks, We will make this our practice. We will practice now All that We have learned. Don’t worry about them saying you have changed. Yes, you have changed. You were looking to change. You have finally realized that you are not the kind to settle…
Day 351
A Way Out Of Sadness (Speak On The Vision)
Good Morning.
I know, it’s been two days. All I can say is I’m sorry. My days have been on go from 7a to 11:30 these past two days. I know, that leaves 30 minutes to write, and I’ve been intending to, but then I fall asleep. So I’ll keep trying. I may not write this weekend. I’m going on a women’s retreat. I’ll bring my computer, though, just in case.
Good morning. I had such lovely dreams last night. I wish I would have written them down. Beings came to me in the night. I know that sounds weird. But it felt like something celestial came to me in the night and started taking things out of my head and clearing out my brain. Like they were taking cobwebs out or something. That’s what it looked like. “They” didn’t look like anything that I remember, and I don’t remember what they said, either. But this morning my head feels lighter. There’s not this sense of pressure that has been there for a while. I’m not going to write too long because I want to pray this morning.
I hung out with Free yesterday. He came with me to my spiritual center. He’s extremely awkward and nerdy, to the point that it’s funny. And he’s super sweet. He definitely doesn’t know how to act around women. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me that he’s never had a girlfriend before… I like him, though. Not particularly romantically attracted to him at this point, but he’s really good people and I’d like to be around him more.
There’s not much drama to write about… My brother and I are friends now. I don’t know how it happened. God, You forced us to live together, and it was tough and heavy and now it’s easy and light. I don’t feel all that pain and resentment. We talk to each other and joke and laugh. We are not fake around each other. We are peaceful on purpose. It’s been a long time coming.
And the men? Well, I had been having a hard time releasing them because some of them didn’t want to let go. They have been addicted to fantasies. They don’t really want a real life woman. They just want a thought to hold on to so they can feel connected to something. They want something out there in the future to keep them motivated. I had been trying to talk to all these people from my past and come to peaceful agreements. You know, we were supposed to talk about whatever transpired between us and then say thank you for everything, I’m sorry for everything and either say goodbye or change the nature of our relationship… Well these men haven’t been trying to do that. They want to change the nature of our relationship, all right, in that they want me to get with their programs, which usually involve me being a mistress or getting with some dude with no ambition who’s house smells like moth balls or helping someone start a business that I really don’t believe in or care about. They have been fighting me, blatantly telling me that they are never going to let me go. It’s been tough for me. Life stuff like work and paying bills and survival things have never been hard for me, but emotional stuff? It can get ahold of me and have me down and out for months and years… Not anymore, though.
This is why abusive men don’t like their women to read books or hang out with other folk or spend too much time alone. We start getting ideas. We start seeing the bigger picture. Yesterday I had an epiphany. I don’t have to ask for anyone’s permission to let me go. I am the boss of my life. I don’t have to wait and get joined to the hip with some man and get with his plans for the future. I can make my own plans. I know those two statements seem anti-relationship, but they’re not. There’s something wonderful to be said about a woman with her own vision. The kind of man I like likes a woman with her own vision and her own plans. He doesn’t want to tell her how to do everything. He wants someone who comes with her own things to partner with. Me, too. I want a guy who has kind of figured some things out on his own. He has figured out who he is and I have figured out who I am and from there we can decide who we want to be together and what kind of team we want to build.
I can’t believe I had been sitting over here asking these guys for permission to let them go. They had been taking advantage of my kindness. Yesterday I told one of them goodbye. I just told the truth and he couldn’t stand it. After I told him I’m saying goodbye with no questions asked, he apologized for being pushy, etc, and finally said he’s willing to move on…
So this blog is about moving on and making your own plans. If you don’t make plans, someone will make plans for you and want you to be on their team. It is scary for a woman to make her own plans because we think that if we are too independent, there will be no space for a man or men won’t like us. In your plans, plan for a man as well. Leave space in your day for him. If your day is jam-packed with activity from waking ’till dawn, there won’t be any room for him. So leave some room in your schedule for some quality time with a man. Spend it with yourself for now, but don’t just hide out in your room. Put yourself in places and situations where the man of your dreams can see you. Make yourself available. And move on with your life. Get your stuff together, pay your debts, and clean out your closets. Just get it together already. It may not be easy, but it’s usually easier than it seems once you get in the flow of things.
Today I’m in the flow. I’m moving on, Allah. Finally and at last and now. I bless my own self in this moment. I bless the day that has yet to unfold. I Bless the people I am letting go of. May there hearts be at ease and may they know the fulfillment of their heart’s desire. I Bless the past and the woman that I used to be. I thank You for it all, Allah, and I move on. Ameen.
Day 350
On Moving On
Hi.
I almost missed tonight. Fell asleep and got woken up by a text msg. I’m not feeling too well.
Head hurts. Emotions running amuck. Tough day. Promised not to complain, so I won’t. Time is passing.
Allah, help me catch it. Wanted to spend my day catching up, but couldn’t. Is there some grant or some scholarship for people like me? We need a good three months just to sit down and catch up with our lives. We are so behind. We need to have our needs paid for while we sit around and exercise, eat healthy, heal, clean out all of the closets, make a home, organize and plan. Perhaps one day I will start a fund like this. The finishers fund. The “catch-up” fund. It’s for people who’s cause I can believe in. People with great spirits who have gotten behind in life for one reason or another.
I talked to a Saint today. Some new guy I met a few months ago who only started calling me about a week ago. He’s an international businessman, consultant, and motivational speaker. He used to be a successful track runner until he injured himself. Now he makes a life out of helping others live their dreams. He wants to help me. I really don’t know why. I think he likes me because I’m a girl and maybe he’s trying to get with me, but I think him wanting to help me goes beyond that. I think he just wants to help me because he wants to help me. I told him about my life today and I could feel him feeling sorry for me. And then I started feeling sorry for myself. It’s weird. I hardly get any pity or compassion in my life no matter what I’m going through. People always think I’m so strong. But I could feel his compassion. I could feel that he really wanted to help me. There’s was no secret agenda. And the feeling was a bit overwhelming. Because he doesn’t know me like that. How could he just be over here trying to help me?
Someone wants to hire me to write “commercial” webi-sodes. He made me an offer to write about things that sell, ie sex, lies, drama, vulgarity. I thought about it and I couldn’t take the offer. I don’t want to start off writing by thinking about what is commercial. I want to start by being inspired about what I want to write about and then figuring out how to make it commercial, and I’m not going to put more pollution in the world just to make a quick buck. I realized that I’m not money motivated. I’m not doing this for the money or the fame or for my mom to be proud of me or to “show them” that I can do it. I’m doing this because I really don’t have a choice. If I don’t write and tell the stories within me, if I don’t Love with all of me, if I don’t finish things, then my body breaks down. My mind goes crazy. If I go against my conscience then I have a really hard time making it through the day without crying. I have passed the point of no return. Sleeping well at night and having joy and peace in my heart are my greatest motivations…
I’m wondering if this new guy (I’ll call him Free) is going to be my husband. I call him Free because he has managed to be in the world but not of it. He is not a product of his past or his culture or upbringing. He is a product of his visions. He’s not the cutest and he’s somewhat meek, and I imagine that he hasn’t really broken that many hearts. I don’t know him at all, but this is what I’m sensing. He is free from all the heaviness and the meanness in the world. He just seems so very lighthearted. God Bless him. God Bless him. God Bless him.
I’m sorry, but this blog doesn’t really have a theme this evening. It’s a just a hodgepodge of my thoughts and feelings. My entire body is tingling, but I don’t feel excited. I feel relieved. I feel like I am finally deciding how I’m going to live my life from this point forward. Unburdened. Untethered. Free. Guided. With conviction. Strong. Brave. Kind. Happy. Free, You may help me if you wish, and if it is God’s will, You may marry me, in fact. I accept. I agree. I say Yes… I’ve reached the point of no return and I couldn’t thank God more…
Day 349
The Point Of No Return
Good evening World. Loves. How are you? I hope all is well in your life. Even if all does not seem well, we are still alive, and so there is still an opportunity for all to be well.
Good evening. I am feeling really grateful right now. I let go of another attachment today. Someone I have known for over six years. I dated him for a few months and he has been hanging around as a “friend” ever since. A friend who kind of sort of treats me like a boyfriend every now and then and dotes over me. I’ve told him that I’m not romantically interested in him for the past five years, but yet I still hang out with him every now and then and I kind of sort of allow him to treat me as his girlfriend every now and then.
Today I decided to stop being a heartbreaker. I’ve tried to let go of this guy several times in the past, and he has never agreed to separating, but today he said that he was willing to let this thing go and part ways and I know it is done. It is done. It is done. It is done. Another goodbye. And although there are tears in my eyes, I am not sad. I am relieved, Allah. I can do this. I can let go of something sure for the promise of something unsure. They will call me crazy, but this is what faith is. Soon I will speak of my new life and my new husband and they will say that it all made sense.
But it all makes sense to me now. You can not be emotionally available if you are not emotionally available. You can not have time to cultivate something new if you do not have time to cultivate something new. And you can not have space in your life for the new thing if you do not have space in your life for the new thing. And the new thing is finally calling me. I am finally being pulled by a vision instead of being pushed by pain. It all works out either way. This way is nicer.
Today I was able to imagine reciprocity. I like a guy and he likes me. A guy wants to Love me and I want to Love him. We Love each other and build together. Me, I, am in this picture happy. What do I look like? I don’t have all these ex-boyfriends hanging around me propositioning me all the time. My debts are paid or in repayment. My room is clean. I am either working towards or already working at meaningful work in the world. I have a few female friends. I am in good physical shape. This is the woman that the man I love wants to be with. This is the woman that I want to be. The woman I am finally becoming.
Things are becoming so clear for me now, Allah. We have this thing called a life. And it is a gift. Each one’s life is different. Each one’s capacities are different. Each one’s circumstances at birth are different, but all of us are gifted just by the virtue of being alive. And we learn all of these things about the world and money and women and men and we forget who we are along the way. And sometimes we remember. Sometimes, like now for me, we remember who we dreamed of being when we were little kids. We remember how we said we were going to change the world and we remember how we thought Love was possible. We remember moments of pure bliss and ecstasy and we remember a time when life was easy. There were no frowns on our foreheads. Things weren’t so heavy. Energy flowed through our bodies easily and we could touch our toes without our backs hurting.
There was a time in life, if even for a moment, when life was good. And if you can remember that time, then you can stretch your brain and reason that a good life is possible for you. And maybe you will be able to see the way back home. It may not be easy. In fact, it will probably be hard. But I can honestly say that this moment of peace and understanding is worth every tear that I’ve ever cried. It is worth every heartbreak. I am becoming my dream come true. My life is becoming my dream come true. God has led me through the storms and back and I have gleaned the experiential understandings that a wise woman needs. I can talk about Love now and know what I’m talking about. I can talk about forgiveness and rage and passion and confusion. I can talk about desperation and depression. And I can talk about happiness.
Happiness is the moment that you realize that your life is ahead of you. Happiness is when you remember who you dreamed yourself to be and know that you have the mental and emotional fortitude to continue doing what you need to do until you become her. Happiness is when you can look around you and see that the people in your life are all your brothers and sisters and you are all connected. Happiness is seeing the path back home to yourself and being able to walk it. And, oh, happiness is when you can Love with your arms wide open and smile with your biggest smile and give like you have nothing to lose. For in fact, there is nothing to lose. Happiness is realizing that there is nothing to lose. There is nothing to lose. This life is a gift and it is ours for the having…
Ameen.
Day 348
The Gift Of Life
Beep beep. This one won’t be long. Had a marvelous, low-key day. Spent most of the time meditating, praying, stretching, reading… It was lovely. I love my book “Oneness”. I read it and reread it and every time I open it, there is something relevant.
Today, it spoke about the actualized dream already being here. But I don’t want to talk about that.
After being in the house almost all day long, I walked down the street to meet with my producer. After the meeting, I decided to hang out outside a bit and get some fresh air. I ended up having conversations with three different people: a lady and her three kids, a guy selling cell phone accessories, and a young dude on a skateboard who said I light up the street. As I was heading home, I ran right into my neighbor. He had decided to come outside and take a walk because he was frustrated. He asked if I’d walk with him, and so I did. We talked, went to the corner store, stopped at a concert in the park, and then I hung out with him for a few more minutes. He told me about his soon-to-be wife and I wasn’t mad. Only slightly envious that I don’t have a soon-to-be husband… I realized that I had let him go. I had let him free and that made me happy. I think it made him happy, too. I have a neighbor/friend. He called me a blessing before I left and thanked me for talking to him.
Later, I had a phone conversation with the most interesting of people. A new person that I’ve met who is doing phenomenal things in the world and builds a life out of helping other people do phenomenal things in the world. He wants to help me with my international initiative. Don’t ask me why.
I accept it, though. I’m not afraid today. I sat down on my prayer mat and found the place where I can accept good things. It’s a lovely place. I prayed for my body and I don’t know how or why, but it’s not hurting as much right now. I am looking for the places where there was pain just this morning, but the pain is gone.
I think that my life may have already changed. I think I am already changed. I think I am already on the other side of happy. I just need to accept it. Change comes. The change has already come. Accept it…
Ameen.
Day 347
Change Comes (Accept It)
The world is standing still tonight. And thoughts are rushing in. Home alone on purpose. Busy week ending. Activity decidedly down to zero. Thoughts rushing in.
Mr. President, New Boo… long list of goodbyes. Goodbyes. Goodbyes. So many goodbyes. Complaining not allowed. Sorrow not allowed yet present nonetheless. Oh, goodbyes and endings have never been my things.
Blog almost over. Goodbye. New thing, You say, but this has been my thing. This has been my place. This has been my way.
In this past week, more kind, strong, honest, handsome, eligible, available men have approached me than in my entire life combined. Yesterday I traveled across town on public transportation and saw a side of LA that I had forgotten long ago. I pass the same streets in a car often, but yesterday I took the train and saw what it was to walk on those streets. It’s a different world. Dusty, smelly, and harsh. I go down these streets often, but yesterday I walked them…
I think my life has been like that. I have been walking the dusty streets of life, engaging in all sorts of misery, when I could be cruising down those same streets, knowing they are there, but just not participating in that aspect of life unless I choose to. Life is like that, huh? We live amongst each other, but next door neighbors, lovers, siblings and housemates are experiencing such different variations on existence. Just yesterday I couldn’t find a man in sight. And now I’m hiding in my room because there are too many men coming my way. What changed? I am living in the same world, but my world is changing, Allah. And I have been too busy to think about all of this…
I have been too busy to think about what life would be like if there was no more yearning and chasing. What would life be like if the journey was over? If I had a good man already? If there was no more sadness for me to blog about? If my debts were paid and I had my dream job and my movies and books were made and the international project was in full swing? What would I do if there were no papers to sort looming over my head? If my room and apartment were decorated exactly like I want? Heck, what if I didn’t have an apartment? What if I had a house in a neighborhood I loved? And a family? If I finally got a plant? I can’t even fathom these things. Like, for real. Do you know that the thought of the fulfillment of my dreams makes me sad? This is important because if you can not even think about having what you have been searching for without having a negative emotional reaction, how do you expect that you will be able to stomach the fulfillment of your desires?
I admit. I have gotten used to this part of my life. I have gotten used to walking down the street to my government job in seven minutes. I have gotten used to not having a man and just hanging out with safe guys who adore me but don’t make me feel vulnerable. I have gotten used to always having an unfinished item on my “to-do” list, that way I can always feel like I have something to do. I’ve even gotten used to sharing my life on this blog instead of sharing it with another person, because this is easy. Nobody knows me here. No one can judge me or reject me or say they’re not interested. I get to feel connected and vulnerable and yet I’m safe from actually being hurt. My life has been safe for some time. Not thriving, not exciting, not exactly passionate, but safe. And all of that is ending. This blog and this journey are ending soon, but I have gotten used to them and I’ve never been really good at endings… Ay yay yay.
I’m going to do something I haven’t practiced in years. It used to come naturally to me, and then I grew up and learned to be a compartmentalized being. But just for this instance, I’m going to do this thing. I’m gonna try to get my mind and my heart and my spirit to agree on something. Change is here now, in spite of and because of ourselves. So, mind, can you agree to that? Yes, You say. Do you want to change? Yes, You say. Do you want to live? No, You say. Heart says no. Spirit says Yes. OK… We can start there.
So, mind and heart, if you don’t want to live, what do you want to do? Die? No, You say. You want to sit still. But how can We sit still and move forward at the same time? All parts agree that we can’t. So what shall we do? Mind is afraid. Heart is afraid. They don’t want to be disappointed anymore. Mind doesn’t want to be confused anymore. Heart doesn’t want to be broken. Body doesn’t want to be sick or hungry or tired. They are all afraid. This place we are now is not life, but at least it’s not death. At least we are safe here… So the problem is not that all parts of me don’t want to live, the problem is that we are afraid of what might happen if we try. So the issues we are dealing with here are fear and safety… Hmm… These are deep. I try to tell my mind that there is no safety in the world and my mind says, “Yes there is! Right here like you’re living now.” And my mind is right. I can not argue. My mind and heart are right. Here is safe and anything we haven’t experienced yet is unknown. We don’t know if it’s safe or not.
So what shall we do, Spirit? How can we move forward in life when the mind, body and heart have such a strong part and they are resisting you? What shall we do? … Ay yay yay… No answer.
Sit still, You say… Pray. “This isn’t real.” I hear the girl from the movie Divergent escape her mind maze. “This isn’t real.” My mind agrees. My heart agrees. My body agrees. Oh, my God. This isn’t real… Oh My God… My mind is excited. I’m on to something. My life is a system of programs re-enacting themselves. All of my experiences were real, but the programs left by them aren’t. This isn’t real. This fear is just a program and yes, I can let go of it. Deactivate it. Write a new program… But how?
Defer to Spirit, You say. My hands are clapping. My head is nodding. We are in agreement again. But how? What does “defer to Spirit” mean? Mind can not grasp it, but body feels an opening in head and womb… Hmm…
When the fear comes in, recognize that it is not real and then ask what is real. Wait until your body, mind, heart and Spirit have an answer that they all agree upon. And then act upon the Guidance received. Do you see how the fear has dissolved already? This is a token for You, Laydie. A tool as We near the end of this journey. Yes, the end of stagnation and the beginning of moving forward…
Ameen.
Day 346
A Way Around Fear. Alignment of All Parts.
Good morning World,
I’m practicing this discipline thing. I woke up before sunrise today, said my prayers and stretched. I still feel like I need to go a little deeper and meditate, but I’ll do that in a minute after I put my clothes in the washer…
So many things happen in a day. I started to write a double blog yesterday just because so much happened before I got home. Yesterday I practiced compassion and faith and I experienced grace. Right now I am practicing not complaining. My body is doing what I thought it would do once I decide to commit to change. It’s tripping. After a long hiatus and months of being sick and in pain, I just started exercising this week. Nothing too strenuous. Stretches, an easy run, and one Zumba class. But my body is much weaker than it used to be and hardly as flexible. I can feel the stuck parts stretching and the weak parts getting stronger. And of course some of it isn’t comfortable.
Yesterday, I was going to fire the illustrator for my children’s book. Suffice it to say that he wasn’t do a good job, he was missing deadlines, and he wasn’t communicating with me. On my way to meet him, I got pulled over by a cop. My car registration was expired. Not only that, but I had a whole lot of other issues surrounding my car. The officer told me that he had every right to impound my car, arrest me, and give me several tickets due to my driving status. He didn’t impound my car, though. He didn’t arrest me. He gave me a fix-it ticket and one other ticket and told me to fix my car situation because the next officer might not be so nice. “I don’t need to add to your problems,” he said. His name was Officer Mott. God Bless him. Thank you.
When I met with my artist, he was happy to see me. He’s shy and quiet and quite eccentric like most fine artists. He always shakes my hand when we meet and it’s so awkward. He shook my hand again and we talked. I told him how disappointed I was with everything. I had sought him out because I know the kind of work he does, but the work he had done for me looks nothing like the work he usually does. He agreed. He admitted that he had had a block and couldn’t visualize the pictures for the book, so he was just trying to come up with something. He was so apologetic that I didn’t know what to do with him. “I know I can get there,” he said. He told me that he had been going through a lot since we had agreed to work together. He’s an older guy. Probably in his 50’s. He said it was nothing serious like jail or hospital, but he had just been going through things in his personal life. When we first met, I remember seeing a post on his Facebook about being with someone he loved. It was only one post and then there was nothing else months afterwards… I imagine someone must have broken his heart. That will give a sensitive artist soul a life block.
My artist is one of those people who had a blooming career but then something happened. When he was my age, he ran the art department of a major motion picture studio. Then something happened. Now he is a struggling artist that draws sketches at coffee shops and does projects for strangers like me. He needs money more than I do. I wasn’t gonna’ pay him the full balance of his money. I was gonna tell him, “You didn’t do this, that and the other, so I’m not gonna’ pay you everything.” But as I was sitting across the table from him, something happened. I felt connected. I felt like he was me. He was not the enemy. He was me. He was a human being blessed and cursed with a sensitive soul trying very hard to navigate a world of money and deadlines that made very little sense to him. He was a real sweetheart, and a talented sweetheart at that. I gave him the money, but I told him that I was disappointed with the product and explained to him why. I told him that I was just going to find another artist to draw the pics, and then he asked me if I could please let him finish them. “I know I can get there,” he said. He wanted to finish them. “Sure,” I said… I don’t know if he’s actually ever going to finish them. I’ll give him until August and then I’ll figure something else out, because I need the pics by September. Whether he finishes it isn’t the point, though. The point is I practiced compassion. I actually saw myself in another person.
You may think I’m a sucker, or he may think I’m a sucker. That police officer that let me go may feel like he got slighted by another scheming woman trying to evade the law. But I’m starting to have a different opinion about suckers. I think the real suckers are the ones who don’t recognize when they are being blessed. I think the real suckers are the people who continue to walk around the Earth trying to “get over” on everyone. It just doesn’t work. The sh*t hits the fan eventually. I’m glad the police officer stopped me and gave me a real reason to pay off all my debt immediately. I’m glad that I woke up early this morning and was able to do some stretches and pray and move my body around. I don’t know how I’m going to get all the money I need to pay the ticket off, but I’m even glad that I have a real reason to think about how to generate more income and use my skills now. I’m glad that I’m not as afraid of change today as I was yesterday. And I’m glad to feel connected to my fellow human beings again. Thank you, God, for one day of Life… Thank you so much. Ameen.
Day 345
This Human Thing
Time will not stand still for me.
This one will be short. I already know what I’m going to write about discipline. I’m not going to complain today. I have about twenty days.
When I finally finished writing the script that’s being produced right now, I was working a very stressful full-time job. My therapist frined put me on a schedule. I had an alarm clock on my phone and I had to write for a certain amount of time at a certain time every day and have an agenda for my writing until I finished. And I finally finished. I’m going to do that now.
I have twenty-one days until this is over and if I keep moping around and don’t come up with a game plan, it’s not going to happen. I’m just gonna be stuck in the muck forever and writing about my sad life years from now. So here’s the plan. I wish I could call in to work today, but I don’t have a lot of hours and my cool supervisor is gone now and the new one does everything by the book. So I’ll go to work today.
At work, I’ll just work and catch up on the work I need to do. No lallygaggling around. After work, though, no social stuff. This is a me day. This is a set my house in order day. I’m gonna come home and set my house in order. There are a lot of things that need to be done. I’ve been sinking and I’ve decided that I want to live and so I have to swim now. But I can’t just be over here flailing around. I have to be intentional about stuff. Eventually I will fly, but for now, for this last part, for this alive part, I am building my muscles again. I am coming back to the world with all the things I’ve been learning and learning how to implement the things that you learn when you’re sitting alone in a room by yourself praying and meditating and reading books out in the world.
I am learning how to live outside of my comfort zone. Sensitive control-freaks lose their minds here. Things hardly go as planned and all sorts of surprises come up. This man-releasing thing has been kicking my emotional butt. The attachments were deep. This is what I’ve learned about healing and progress, though. Nothing works like exercising every day. Nothing works like having a plan to eat better every day. Nothing works like touching the grass and smelling fresh air every day. Nothing works like taking time about to pray and journal every day. Nothing works like washing dishes and keeping your room and your space clean every day. Nothing works like taking some action towards some goal every single day. Nothing works like consistency and discipline.
This is where I will start today. And I’ll add another layer on to it. I’m not gonna complain. I have 21 days to go through all the challenges that are surely going to happen once I commit to doing life a lot different than I’ve been doing in months. I know it will be challenging. I know I’m gonna cry and get all confused and disoriented and there may be some major or minor dramas in the next few weeks. I know the men are gonna come at me with propositions and things I can’t even fathom. I know my job or my body might act a fool. My family might say something hurtful. I know someone from my past might show up and hug me and I might have a nervous breakdown. All of these fears are daunting but avoiding them does not make them disappear. I am hoping and praying that if I face down all of the issues in my life, then they will finally cease existing and having so much power over me. And so I’m going to face them.
I’m going to transform. I’ve been doing this transformation slowly for some time, but now I’m going to up the game. I am willing, Allah, to change, transform and blossom. I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I want to Live! And I step forward in life confident that You are on my side, confident that everything I’m doing will be worth it. I look at how far I’ve come. I look at how my relationships have changed for the better already. I look at my forehead and see how the frown lines are disappearing. I recognize that where there is God’s will there is a way, and so I go out in the world today confident that You will take me through to this other side of happy that I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I put my mind to rest and start my day. And so it is…
Day 344
This Discipline Thing
hownottocryeveryday 