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Day 346 – A Way Around Fear (Alignment Of All Parts)

July 18, 2014

The world is standing still tonight. And thoughts are rushing in. Home alone on purpose. Busy week ending. Activity decidedly down to zero. Thoughts rushing in.

Mr. President, New Boo… long list of goodbyes. Goodbyes. Goodbyes. So many goodbyes. Complaining not allowed. Sorrow not allowed yet present nonetheless. Oh, goodbyes and endings have never been my things.

Blog almost over. Goodbye. New thing, You say, but this has been my thing. This has been my place. This has been my way.

In this past week, more kind, strong, honest, handsome, eligible, available men have approached me than in my entire life combined. Yesterday I traveled across town on public transportation and saw a side of LA that I had forgotten long ago. I pass the same streets in a car often, but yesterday I took the train and saw what it was to walk on those streets. It’s a different world. Dusty, smelly, and harsh. I go down these streets often, but yesterday I walked them…

I think my life has been like that. I have been walking the dusty streets of life, engaging in all sorts of misery, when I could be cruising down those same streets, knowing they are there, but just not participating in that aspect of life unless I choose to. Life is like that, huh? We live amongst each other, but next door neighbors, lovers, siblings and housemates are experiencing such different variations on existence. Just yesterday I couldn’t find a man in sight. And now I’m hiding in my room because there are too many men coming my way. What changed? I am living in the same world, but my world is changing, Allah. And I have been too busy to think about all of this…

I have been too busy to think about what life would be like if there was no more yearning and chasing. What would life be like if the journey was over? If I had a good man already? If there was no more sadness for me to blog about? If my debts were paid and I had my dream job and my movies and books were made and the international project was in full swing? What would I do if there were no papers to sort looming over my head? If my room and apartment were decorated exactly like I want? Heck, what if I didn’t have an apartment? What if I had a house in a neighborhood I loved? And a family? If I finally got a plant? I can’t even fathom these things. Like, for real. Do you know that the thought of the fulfillment of my dreams makes me sad? This is important because if you can not even think about having what you have been searching for without having a negative emotional reaction, how do you expect that you will be able to stomach the fulfillment of your desires?

I admit. I have gotten used to this part of my life. I have gotten used to walking down the street to my government job in seven minutes. I have gotten used to not having a man and just hanging out with safe guys who adore me but don’t make me feel vulnerable. I have gotten used to always having an unfinished item on my “to-do” list, that way I can always feel like I have something to do. I’ve even gotten used to sharing my life on this blog instead of sharing it with another person, because this is easy. Nobody knows me here. No one can judge me or reject me or say they’re not interested. I get to feel connected and vulnerable and yet I’m safe from actually being hurt. My life has been safe for some time. Not thriving, not exciting, not exactly passionate, but safe. And all of that is ending. This blog and this journey are ending soon, but I have gotten used to them and I’ve never been really good at endings… Ay yay yay.

I’m going to do something I haven’t practiced in years. It used to come naturally to me, and then I grew up and learned to be a compartmentalized being. But just for this instance, I’m going to do this thing. I’m gonna try to get my mind and my heart and my spirit to agree on something. Change is here now, in spite of and because of ourselves. So, mind, can you agree to that? Yes, You say. Do you want to change? Yes, You say. Do you want to live? No, You say. Heart says no. Spirit says Yes. OK… We can start there.

So, mind and heart, if you don’t want to live, what do you want to do? Die? No, You say. You want to sit still. But how can We sit still and move forward at the same time? All parts agree that we can’t. So what shall we do? Mind is afraid. Heart is afraid. They don’t want to be disappointed anymore. Mind doesn’t want to be confused anymore. Heart doesn’t want to be broken. Body doesn’t want to be sick or hungry or tired. They are all afraid. This place we are now is not life, but at least it’s not death. At least we are safe here… So the problem is not that all parts of me don’t want to live, the problem is that we are afraid of what might happen if we try. So the issues we are dealing with here are fear and safety… Hmm… These are deep. I try to tell my mind that there is no safety in the world and my mind says, “Yes there is! Right here like you’re living now.” And my mind is right. I can not argue. My mind and heart are right. Here is safe and anything we haven’t experienced yet is unknown. We don’t know if it’s safe or not.

So what shall we do, Spirit? How can we move forward in life when the mind, body and heart have such a strong part and they are resisting you? What shall we do? … Ay yay yay… No answer.

Sit still, You say… Pray. “This isn’t real.” I hear the girl from the movie Divergent escape her mind maze. “This isn’t real.” My mind agrees. My heart agrees. My body agrees. Oh, my God. This isn’t real… Oh My God… My mind is excited. I’m on to something. My life is a system of programs re-enacting themselves. All of my experiences were real, but the programs left by them aren’t. This isn’t real. This fear is just a program and yes, I can let go of it. Deactivate it. Write a new program… But how?

Defer to Spirit, You say. My hands are clapping. My head is nodding. We are in agreement again. But how? What does “defer to Spirit” mean? Mind can not grasp it, but body feels an opening in head and womb… Hmm…

When the fear comes in, recognize that it is not real and then ask what is real. Wait until your body, mind, heart and Spirit have an answer that they all agree upon. And then act upon the Guidance received. Do you see how the fear has dissolved already? This is a token for You, Laydie. A tool as We near the end of this journey. Yes, the end of stagnation and the beginning of moving forward…


Day 346

A Way Around Fear. Alignment of All Parts.

From → The Alive Part

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