Day 351 – A Way Out Of Sadness (Speak On The Vision)

This is a two-in-one day blog. Maybe it will make up for the two days with no writing. Really I’m writing because I need to. This works better than praying and meditating, better than eating or dancing, better than spending time with folks or taking a walk… writing works better than anything for me to sort out my thoughts. It is my comfort and Love…

Hi there. I got off the bed. Today was a tough one. I said I’m not complaining anymore, so I’m trying to figure out how to express myself and get everything out without complaining yet still being honest. OK. Maybe I will just state the facts without writing them from the point of view of a victim.

I went to work today. We have a mini call center that my supervisors made up so that each worker doesn’t have to answer the phone every day. We take turns spending a day at the call center and today was my day. It was really busy. In addition to working at the call center, I had to turn in my daily report. We keep count of all the cases we work on. With my old supervisor, he used to keep count, but with the new supervisor, now we fill it out. I looked at the report and looked at the column where it said “cumulative cases”. I imagine that cumulative means cumulative. However, the number on the report did not reflect the actual number of cumulative cases that I have. I had way more cases than was being reported. When I told my new supervisor, he said don’t worry about it and just keep the number that was on the report.

The thing is, when you get assigned cases, they assign them to you based upon the number of cases they think you have. So if you don’t have a lot of cases, they are going to give you a lot more. And being that I am reporting fewer cases than I actually have, I’m going to keep getting a lot more. I felt really powerless. My supervisor doesn’t really care about doing things right and I do…

So I came home and decided not to work after work like I usually do. Usually I’ll work on some writing project, exercise, go to project or career-related meetings, talk on the phone, or go hang out with someone after work. I usually don’t have down time until Saturday, but today I took a break. I put my phone on silent and decided not to do anything. Because I didn’t want to do anything. And I started finishing Season One of “Sex And The City”. If you haven’t watched it, Sex And The City is 30 minute TV show about middle-aged (32-42 yrs) single women who are trying to navigate relationships in New York City. It’s a really honest portrayal of what dating is like in the big city and it really speaks of the fears and desires of middle-aged “career women” (or used-to-be career women who have now become housewives). The sad and very realistic thing about the show is that nobody is happy. Many of the married women have settled for less than their hearts’ desires and although they have husbands and children, they feel like they have lost themselves. They envy the single women’s freedom. The single women, on the other hand, meet man after man and go on all these adventures, but eventually they come home alone and spend time with their female friends when they are lonely. They experiment with sex in a variety of ways when they get the urge, and although they are wealthy and successful and even free, they never get a companion to build things with. For the season finale, the main character wants to meet the mother of a man she has been dating for months. When he tells her, “I can’t introduce my mother to just another girlfriend” she realizes that he does not think she is “the one” and breaks the relationship off…

I finished watching the season finale and had a hard time getting off the bed. I know I am none of those characters, but really there are parts of me in all of them. I am a single woman in a big city who has lofty dreams coupled with the inability to settle. I actually believe in the possibility of this happy thing. What am I gonna do about that, God? All of the people I know who pretend to be happy are just pretending. How can I believe in something I’ve never seen or experienced? And if I can’t believe in it, if I think it’s never going to happen, what’s the point of getting off the bed?

I’m not a puppet like my supervisor. I just can’t pretend that things are right when I know they’re wrong. Sometimes I feel like it’s a curse. Try as I may, I can’t be a faker. At this point, my body won’t even allow it. It breaks down and stuff.

If I got anything from the service at my spiritual center yesterday, it was to eliminate the don’t’s, should’s and but’s from my motivational vocabulary. Meaning give up on thinking “I don’t want”, “I should”, and “I want, but..” from my motivational dictionary and start building from a vision.

I was just thinking I don’t want to be sad anymore. I’m so sick of it. But the world is not going to change just so I can be happy, so how can I change the thought “I don’t want to be sad” into something visionary?

-Speak on the Vision, You say.

It is the hardest thing to do. Speak on a vision when I have no evidence that the manifestation of such vision is possible instead of saying what I don’t want. At this point, though, I have to do something that I haven’t done before and so I will try this method. Speak on the Vision, You say.

And so I’ll speak on it. For me and for the world.

-Start With Yourself, You say.

OK. I will speak on the vision for myself. If I am speaking on sadness being gone, what comes after sadness being gone? Happiness? But what does that mean?

-That is a good place to start, You say. What does happiness mean to you?

Happiness means being a woman and doing the work I’ve been called to do. More than a housewife. But it also means having a true companion whom I adore and who adores me. It means having some children and being completely able to be my authentic self with no hiding. It means having peace in my mind and a clean heart. It means having a clean home that smells good and being near clean air and nature. It means being financially independent. Happiness means being excited about life and making things fun. It means exploring things with eyes of a child and feeling safe. Happiness means having friends (females included) who I can trust and be myself with and spend time with. Happiness means being passionate. I would like a life where I experience happiness… Is that good?

– Yes, You say. Write it down tonight. Put it on your wall. You must keep speaking your vision lest you get swept away in all the world is selling you. Every day, You hear? Every day no matter how you feel. For the next two weeks, We will make this our practice. We will practice now All that We have learned. Don’t worry about them saying you have changed. Yes, you have changed. You were looking to change. You have finally realized that you are not the kind to settle…

Day 351

A Way Out Of Sadness (Speak On The Vision)