There is so much to write about. Where shall I start?
RBB’s song from my spiritual center is on my mind.
“The Earth is Free again. The Earth is free again… My heart is free again. My heart is free again… I glow with life again. I glow with life again… My thought is purified. My thought is purified… And peace is in my eyes. And peace is in my eyes.”
I am making my way back home. Grace is cleaning up the cobwebs in my body and mind. The stagnant parts of my life are moving again. All is coming into balance. I am taking my place as a (and I hesitate to write this)… Queen.
I have been shirking responsibility for quite some time. I have been rejecting power and I have suffered because of it. I know, in my early life, being powerful and strong and responsible only meant that you had no one to lean on. It meant that the whole world was always on your shoulders and you could never rest or get any pity or mercy or compassion. It meant that you would always have to be there for someone else and no one would cook you soup when you were sick unless you were boarder-line dying.
And so I quit. Because I wanted some soup. And I wanted to be cared for. But I had thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Because accessing one’s personal spiritual power is a necessary part of this part of the journey. This is the part where we work in alignment with the Creator to do that which we have never done and experience that which we have never experienced; to give that which we have never given. This is the other side of happy…
My brother left two days ago. On the first night, I came home. I heard some people opening the gate downstairs and I got all rigid. “Oh, my brother is home,” I thought. But then I realized that he’s not coming home. No one is coming home. I realized that no man was coming here, either, because… well, there is no man in my life. And I realized that there is the possibility of a very select amount of friends coming over, but I would have to initiate invitations, etc. It dawned on me that I would have to start a social life from scratch if I wanted one. And I became afraid. It dawned on me that if I was going to get into this program I was nominated for, I was going to have to give twice as much as I was giving and I felt the possibility of failure take me over.
I went to the bed. Laid down and cried. The bed and crying are my drugs… And after I had cried for about ten minutes, the tears stopped. They just stopped. There were no more. I looked around my room. The door was open. “Well,” I thought. “What am I gonna do now?” My emotions told me to just go to sleep, but something wonderful happened. I didn’t listen. I don’t know why I didn’t listen, but I didn’t.
I got up instead. I got up and I got a lighter and some sage. And I began to pray. I asked God to be with me and bring the power out of me so that for once, my house would be a home and a sanctuary instead of a prison. And God responded. I prayed like a warrior. I blessed every corner, window and door of my house. “I call forth the spirit of Love in this place and I drive out anything that is in opposition to this now and forever!” I called forth Peace and Joy and Progress and Abundance and Grace. I called forth Happiness. And I blessed my Home. And I sang to it. And I blessed myself, calling forth all the good things within me. It is time to come out.
It wasn’t easy. I realized that I wasn’t used to this. I wasn’t used to standing up against my own demons so boldly. But it was such a wonderful feeling. I stood up proudly. I stood up and gave my all to the Blessing of this new beginning. And the Universe responded. I slept so well that night. Oh. I haven’t slept that well in such a long time. I woke up with my body tingling, encouraged and inspired. I woke up feeling able. I woke up feeling like I am able, like this is a wonderful place to be. At the beginning of a new beginning.
This ne beginning is a little different than the others, though, because this time life is ushering me forward and I am walking boldly in agreement and alignment with it. It has been years since I have given my all to anything. In fact, I don’t know if there has ever been a time in my life that I have sat down and said, “I am going to give my all to this” and then done so without fear or doubt or worry.
Well I am saying it now. I am going to give my all to my life and I am going to do so without fear or doubt or worry. My life is Good life. My way is Peaceful way. My heart is a Pure heart and I give it now! I deliver my gifts and talents to the world now! I use everything I’ve ever known and learned and been to buoy me up. I tap in to the Guide of all Guides to Guide my way on this journey. I give my all and I receive as well! Grace! Find me now. Love! Let us play. Beauty! Move through my fingers and feet and body. Oh, Truth! Purify everything. Yes! Yes! and Yes. Yes…
We stand up now. Tall. Not with pride, but proud. We are children of the Most High and we are not alone on this journey. We have come a long, long way to be able to speak these words. We have endured the darkness of the night with our smiles in tact and we have found a deep well within us that never runs dry.
Life has taken on a whole new color for me. The color of possibility. What would happen if I actually just gave my all? It is beyond my imagination. I know. Especially now. Now that I have very little blockage and very few fears. Now that depression doesn’t have a hold on me. Now that my vision has improved. Now that I am learning how to source happiness from the depths of my being.
Allah, I thank you for this day. A day when I feel like I know You. A day when demons do not scare me. A day when life finally makes a little bit of sense. I am Able… Able to do what? I don’t know. Able to get off the bed in spite of my fears. Able to take action towards building the life of my dreams. Able to give more than I’ve ever given. And able to receive more than I’ve ever received. With Grace and Gratitude. I am able to breathe life into a home that was dying…
I think that’s good for now, yeah?
-Yeah. Let’s bring it!
Ameen.
Day 363
On Giving Your All
Man oh man oh man… Oh man… Man…
When does the drama end?
Today my brother asked me if he could just pay me some money and stay with me instead of moving out… My brother is supposed to be moving out on October 1st. I have been dreaming about October 1st since that first night my brother spent the night out some days ago… I was scared at first, but then I felt so free… I could be in my own space… I could have people over again. Dinners. I could cook stuff and have people over without having to pre-arrange with bro…
I don’t even feel right writing about my brother and putting his business in the street. My brother is two years older than me, and suffice it to say that he and I were the closest of close up until I was about twelve, when we had a major conflict and drifted apart… As he grew into adulthood, sometimes he would clash with certain family members and the result would be a distancing. He and I stayed in communication because we just fought all the time. And then about ten months ago, he asked if he could stay with me. I knew that the only way he would ask to stay with me is if he needed to, and so I let him…
But it’s been hard for me. I have had to do a lot of growing and maturing and truly practice Love and Patience. At some point I initiated a conversation with bro and we made peace with all of the issues we’ve had since childhood. And since that conversation, he’s been nice to me… And I’ve been nice to him… But I was still looking forward to living on my own again…
I’m outside sitting at a Coffee Bean. I just didn’t want to be at home. I am my brother’s best friend and I’m going to either have to tell him to leave or possibly have the same issues I’ve had for over a year…
So… This is grown up stuff. Tough decisions, as Mr. President would say. Disappoint someone you Love or look out for yourself?
Wow… OMG. You will not believe what just happened. I just ran into this guy named Cupid and my brother right here at the Coffee Bean! Wow. I have to write more when I get home…
Wow. It’s the next day now. What a night. What a life. I have to tell you this story. Last night, in the course of two hours, my life just changed. I don’t know how much of life is our intention and our preparation and how much of it is just plain old chance, but I think it’s a combination of both.
Plain old chance, Grace, God, Mercy, Fate stepped in last night just as I was about to delve deep into a pity party. I was sitting at the Coffee Bean writing and when I looked out of the window, this guy was just staring at me. I looked back at him, and he didn’t make any motion or try to say anything. He just kept staring. But he looked familiar… Earlier this year, sometime before March, I had cut things off with My Almost One. I was sitting in my car in front of a grocery store crying and feeling sorry for myself. And then I went food shopping. When I got to the self check-out, there was this man just staring at me. I walked up to him, and for the life of me, I can’t remember what he said, but I remember how he felt. Peaceful and Loving. He said his name was Cupid. Yes. His real name was Cupid. He was kind of older, but not super old. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, but I had the feeling that he wasn’t going to call…
Well, I left the store and he never called, but it was OK with me. The next day I told my coworker about the experience. Heck, I may have even written it in this blog. It didn’t matter that the guy would never call. It didn’t matter that I would probably never be romantically involved with him. What mattered was his appearance in my life precisely at that moment. At the moment that I was losing hope and thinking that all men are mean pigs, I ran right into a man whose simple presence was uplifting, peaceful, and loving. It made me know that these kind of men exist in the world, too, and it was enough for me not to slip into despair.
Well, last night, after more than six months, on another side of town, Cupid was staring at me from outside of the Coffee Bean window. “Cupid?” I asked after walking outside to speak to him. “Hey,” he said. “How you been?” We ended up talking for about an hour and he walked me home. I told him about the situation with my brother. Not everything, though. I didn’t talk about our history or any details. I just told him that I had been looking forward to living by myself. He told me about a similar situation he had had with his sister, claiming that he and his sister’s energy clashed with one another. Then he said the thing that I was thinking but wouldn’t say for fear of sounding crazy. “You feel like you are a flower stuck in a pot when your brother is around,” he said. “And you spirit wants to be free to grow as it pleases”… He suggested that I listen to my Spirit when It talks to me…
“Are you an Angel?” I asked. “Something like that,” he replied… I don’t know if he’s an angel or a demon or a crazy guy who didn’t take his meds or a horny old man just trying to find out where I live, or just a regular person with a lot of outlandish notions, but it doesn’t even matter. What matters is that he blessed me. And when I got home, I said my prayers and I know exactly what I’m going to do.
To add icing to the cake, I checked my email last night. There was this fancy career-related program that I wanted to be a part of, but you can only get in by being nominated by particular nominating organizations. I am a member of one of the nominating organizations, and just yesterday my sister had asked me about this particular program. I had told her that I had asked my organization if they would nominate me, but the day that they were supposed to have announced their nominations had passed, so I didn’t think that they picked me. My organization had never really shown any signs of liking me that much, and although I felt like I was one of the most creative and talented people in the organization, I didn’t think I was the most skilled, I told my sister… Then I checked my email last night. “Hello Laydie. This is to confirm that you were nominated by such and such organization to such and such program. We wish you the best,” it read.
All kinds of ideas flashed through my head. I started crying. There is hope. There are possibilities beyond what I can imagine. What if I got into the program? I would work my butt off and put my all into it. This time I would be ready…
A very interesting thing my sister told me. Prior to this time in my life, I had been used to always winning. I didn’t even have to try. I would apply for the most competitive jobs and programs and I would miraculously get picked. School was easy. I got A’s without even studying. Men proposed to me without even knowing anything about me. I would go on game shows and win cars and trips and take adventures just based on pure chance. I have had a charmed life. But I didn’t know about losing up until this point in my life. It wasn’t until now that I learned that you could try and try and try at a thing and then just not get picked even though you are the most qualified. Or you could love with all your heart and not be loved back. Or you could think you’re going to win something and then just not win. And this part of my life has given me such a great lesson: Faith and Preparation.
At the end of the day, this is all we have to help us sleep at night.
I am learning that there is very little that we can control, but for any given situation, you can always ask, did I use all my skills and talents and knowledge and energy to work towards a certain end? And if you can say yes, then losing is OK. At least for me. As far as my career, this is the first time that I am actually trying my best. I am doing the work. And as far as my life, this is the first time that I am giving love a full-out chance by having a clear heart and learning how to communicate and be intentional. This is the first time that I am actually single, single, single and ready. And if I get into that program, it will be the first time that I will be fully prepared to take advantage of such an opportunity. My mind won’t be crazy any more. Discipline and hard work will no longer be strangers to me. I know about energy and how to always bring myself into a room and not be affected by others. I know about taking care of myself and where to go for nourishment. I can stand up for myself and still be kind. It’s not just in theory. I can push past my fears. I can push past rejection. I can get up and take action even when there is no evidence that my action will ever amount to anything. And I know how to accept good things now…
And I’m starting to believe that You had this thing all planned out, God. This part of my life has been quite an initiation. You have humbled me. And You have made me so kind. And You have taught me appreciation and gratitude. You have taught me how to connect with every living being and You are constantly showing me how to be myself in this world. And Lord, I didn’t break. I didn’t break. Through all of this, I didn’t get bitter and jaded. Even though I may have been walking very slowly at times and resting when I became too weary, I didn’t quit. And I can’t even take credit for any of that, because it has been You giving me kind words and encouragement and miracles just when I thought there was no hope. You have been on my team all along…
You are telling me that I have written enough words for this morning. They get the picture… “Rest assured that I am with you,” You say. “Enter now. The Land of the Living.”
…
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 362
The Land Of The Living
Hi there,
I woke up feeling really unsettled this morning… Supposed to be meeting with some friends in a bit, so don’t have time to mope around…
Saw My Almost One yesterday. Dream come true stuff. He said the magic words I never thought would come from his mouth. After telling him how I had felt about all the stuff he had done, he said, “You’re right. I apologize.” And we hung out and had the best time together… I was able to see the deep well of kindness in him… He actually asked me questions about myself and my life for the first time ever. He was actually interested. And we joked and laughed. He gave me some money because he knew I needed it… At the end of our time together, we both had to come to terms with the question: Is he my husband and am I his wife… The answer was no for both of us. 😦
We finally had a nice peaceful, enjoyable, fearless, loving time together only to come to the conclusion that, no, we weren’t the ones for each other. Somehow it seems like once upon a time, even six months ago, we were the ones for each other. But then we realized that something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t like the way he smelled. I don’t think he liked the fact that I always seem to be barely making it… Almost, though.
The closure had come, and although I’m glad we got it, it was still yet another closed door. The last closed door, to be honest. There are a couple of guys on my list that I never got in contact with, but they are not people who I think that we could have possibly gotten back together. Dream Lover still lingers, but the truth of the matter is, Dream Lover is a priest in his religion, and I really have no interest in ever being a part of his religion. I also don’t like his music and he thinks he’s the best musician on Earth, so after all the butterflies settled, there were real issues that probably would have caused us to never make it. I let go of the idea of him ever coming back and making good on anything he said. I release him. Here and now. He is forgiven. All words and promises and agreements are null and void. He may go in peace. He may be in peace. Oh, Peace to you, Love. Peace to you. I will hold you hostage no more and I will be bound by thoughts of you never again. You are free to go and I am free to go. Peace and Love to You, King. May your path be Blessed beyond your fondest dreams… Ameen.
…
I am at zero. I do believe that the last time that I didn’t have a single guy to crush on was before I hit puberty. Yesterday my one LA female friend cancelled on yet another outing, and I realized that I’m pretty much at zero as far as friends are concerned as well… I’m at zero with my job. I’m about to either get fired or quit. I’m at zero with my apartment. I realize that this neighborhood will no longer do… I’m at zero, meaning my life doesn’t suit me anymore and there is nothing that I wish to hold onto.
Previously, I was at about negative 30. I had all this baggage from my past that had me crying and pontificating every day. I don’t have any of that anymore (well, maybe some slight residual dust lingering).
But right now, all I have to look forward to is what life may bring. The past is over. And this is the really horrifying part. We hold on so tightly to the past, because we are sure about it. Even though we may not like our job or our lover or our apartment, we know what to expect. Our life may not thrill us that much, but at least we have settled into it. I have spent the past year waking up at 7:00am, chatting with the homeless man and security guard on the street and walking seven minutes to my job, talking to particular coworkers about their lives, coming home to my brother lying on his bed, going out on “almost dates” with almost exes, meeting with my producer and getting engaged in various family issues.
And now I want to change it all up. And the fear comes. Where will I find new friends? What job will I have? Should I move? Where to? Who’s gonna be my husband? What’s gonna happen with me? How am I gonna make a bunch of money and get out of debt? What about my scripts and books and songs? Are they ever gonna see the light of day? Am I ever gonna be normal and be all right? What about Love?
The future has no answers. It only sits there, out of reach and out of sight and taunts me. “Try and see,” It says…
And so I go to You, God. I can no longer afford to be weak or afraid. I can no longer afford to go crazy. I can no longer afford to be sick. Time is of the essence. I can no longer afford to be laying in the bed every day crying and stuff…
I close my eyes… Life above zero requires action and faith. Action because I have to actually DO stuff and faith because I have never known life above and I have to trust that there is this real place where one’s destiny is fulfilled. I have to trust in the possibility of Love and Happiness, otherwise I will get right back on that bed and get depressed.
I close my eyes… Highest of All High, I seek You. I listen and for once, I Obey. I seek Guidance and You say I already know the direction to go.
-I am on the right path, You say.
Is it You talking to me or is it my own voice?
-I am Your own voice, You say… The directions are clear. Now is the time for action. You are at the zero point, but poison lingers in your mind. Fear creeps in at times, clouding your judgement and inhibiting action.
– My prescription for you is action. You will find fear and past emotions taunting you all along the way. Do not repress them. Simply know that they are just fear and emotions, but they have no power over your action. Walk your path anyway, and soon you will find a wonderful companion. Faith that can not be broken. Soon and finally you will know that your life is a good life and your way is peaceful way and your heart is a pure heart. Oh, it is not far away from you now, Laydie. We are at the last leg of this journey. Know that Angels surround you. Know that people you don’t even know are rooting for you and praying for you. Know that even though you can not see the future, it is better than the present and the past, because We are finally starting at zero. And reach towards that which is better than the present and the past. Reach towards that which is good. Become that which is good. Give that which is good…
We are starting at one… Finally, we are starting at one.
Day 361
At One
Hey There.
Good morning. I’m in a bit of a mood today. When I go to the doctor, they never diagnose me with the stuff I think I have. In fact, they never hardly diagnose me with anything at all. I should be glad, but sometimes it makes me a bit discouraged, because I know I’m not functioning at my best, but no one can tell me what’s wrong with me.
Anyway. Good morning. How are you? I’m having a bit of a hard time breathing right now, but I’m going to write through it. I think it’s anxiety, but, you know… So.
Let me tell you what happened last night. Something magical. I had been in the house all day. I actually got some work done, applied for some opportunities, and did a bunch of praying and meditating. By the time sun had set, I was beginning to feel a bit claustrophobic. My brother had told me that he was going to spend the night out for work. He hardly ever spends the night out, so this was new. My Almost One had reappeared in my life, and I was supposed to meet up with him last night, so I was slightly excited.
So, before sun set, my brother left and it was such a weird feeling. The apartment was empty. I mean, I have been home without him on many occasions, but him being gone for the night made it feel like, he was… gone. Is this what it’s going to be like when he leaves, I thought. I suddenly felt very lonely. The house was dark except for my room, and I could feel the absence of his presence. I missed him… But then, after a couple of hours, I didn’t. I felt a freedom. I wanted to get out of my room and decorate. My space was my space again and there were no longer corners of the house that I couldn’t enter. I could invite anyone over if I wanted to, and I had mixed feelings about that, because there weren’t many people who I wanted to invite over… But I still. If I wanted to, I could.
My date with My Almost One was in about an hour, and so I texted him to make sure we’re still on. He had told me that he’d be in another city earlier that day and would be back by the evening. He texted me back “I’m still in such and such city,” it read. -_-
Such and such city is a four hour drive from Los Angeles. When did he plan on telling me that he was going to cancel? I couldn’t breathe. About two minutes later, I got a phone call from some number I didn’t recognize. It was this guy I had met at the grocery store earlier this week. I had only given him my number because he was really assertive and kind of causing a scene in the grocery store line. His eyes were blood shot red. His lips were really dark. After giving him my number, he proceeded to argue with the cashier at the store over something trivial and snatch his change out of her hand. I made a mental note that I was never going to answer his calls.
I have this fantasy in the back of my mind. One day Dream Lover will call me and apologize for telling me all the wonderful things he did and then disappearing into thin air. He will give me all of the money that he had promised to give me (which by now is enough for me to purchase a small condo by the beach) and we will part in peace. I know this is a ridiculous fantasy, but it’s not an outlandish thing to expect from Dream Lover. His life is a fantasy. And because I think that maybe, possibly, one day he might call from some unknown Cali number (especially when I know he’s in Cali), I return all missed Cali calls who don’t leave a message.
Last night I returned the call. And it was crazy grocery store man. He wanted to go for a walk. My brother was gone for the night and My Almost One had flaked on our date. I was feeling particularly lonely and so I told him I’d call him back…
And then God stepped in. My neighbor called. I had had some dishes to return to him and he was ready to get them back. I went over his house and immediately he knew that something was wrong. We talked. Or rather, I talked. He listened. He has never tried to hit on me. He has never tried to get anything from me. He has always been honest with me. His house feels comfortable and lived in. Peaceful. He told me about a new school that just opened up the street. He knows the principal, he said. They are looking for English teachers. I’m a certified English teacher… He doesn’t try and cheat on his girlfriend, even though she’s countries away.
He gives things. He is the opposite of the kind of man I’ve known most of my life. Most of them have been takers, only looking to see what they can get from a situation. And if they give to a woman, they only give because they want something from you. He’s a giver. And even though he’s not my man, he’s my friend. And that means a lot.
When I came home, I told grocery store man that I wasn’t going for a walk after all…
The new life beckons, but it is marked by the death of the old. I will not lie. These are frightening times. My brother is leaving, and although I feel the freedom and lightness of him being gone, I also realize that I may be home alone. We must be brave now.
I have always thought I was brave, but in reality I am only considered brave because I am not afraid of the things most people are afraid of. This scares me. The possibility of loneliness horrifies me. Let us stop believing that everything will be easy. No. This path is designed to shake you up to the core. I take a moment to breathe. I find the place in me that knows deep down that this is all worth it. This lonely time, this interim, this falling apart, is exactly what happens when you initiate a major life change. Do not be discouraged. Do not run back to the old life. You know that that life is no good for you anymore. Be brave and keep walking forward. Just keep walking and keep breathing. Be brave, ok? Be Brave…
Day 360
On Bravery
Good morning.
I haven’t been doing too well. Sorry. I’ve sat down and tried to write this blog several times over the past couple of weeks, only to write an entry, delete it, try again, and finally not post anything.
I’m going to post this one no matter how it comes out.
My whole man clean-up thing was intense. I had endeavored to scan my life and bring closure to any lingering relationships that involved men. You know, anyone who I thought we ended really bad or maybe I was sitting around waiting and hoping they’d come back in my life some day, or maybe I felt like they were waiting for me. I made a list of all the people I thought I hadn’t had closure with yet, and then people who I hadn’t spoken to in years started showing up in my life out of the blue.
My emotions were all over the place. I didn’t realize that I had had so many deep attachments to so many people. Furthermore, I didn’t realize that almost everyone who I called “friend” was some man secretly waiting for us to have a romantic relationship. The man clean-up was intense. After cleaning out all of my relationships, I was left with only one friend, someone who lives in another state. It left me feeling broken-hearted and full of sorrow and grief. It left me feeling so lonely because there was no one left. No one to fantasize about. No one to hope for and look forward to. It left me feeling… Everything.
And some days the feelings were so intense that it was difficult to get off the bed and go to work. At the same time, my managers at work lost their minds and they started doing things to blatantly harass me. I don’t know if I told you, but some months ago, the managers at my job tried to coerce me and get me to sign a letter admitting that I was involved in a work violation that I wasn’t involved in. Well, I didn’t sign the letter and in fact I told on them. I had to have many meetings with many people, and eventually my managers got in trouble…. Then they tried to get back at me. Their most recent retaliation was them making my vacation hours magically disappear with no explanation…
I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life, because I realized I was having a hard time getting life right and I wanted a second opinion. The psychiatrist said that I had an overload of stressors in many areas of my life and very little support. She recommended that I take three weeks off work and go to a group therapy class called work clinic. So… this is day four off work.
Sorry passes through my body. Grief attacks me in the middle of the night and on the train. Fear… Fear is everywhere. It’s debilitating. What will I do next? Where will I go? Where will I live? Will I make any new friends? Will this part of my life ever pass? I haven’t gotten used to it, you know. And when I sat across from the psychiatrist the other day, I realized that the majority of my life has been full of stress and striving and sorrow. I realized that there was and has always been some sort of chaos and drama in my family. I realized that generally speaking, I am always a support system for someone who is either not willing or not able to support me back. Everything that is happening now is nothing new. It is just an extreme culmination of everything that has been happening in my life for quite some time.
Except this time is different. It feels different. This time is not just another episode of depression and helplessness. This time there is some silver lining underneath everything that is happening. I have initiated the falling apart of my life, and as a result a sense of panic, anxiety and sorrow has ensued. But this time is different. This time, I am going to let everything fall apart and keep only the things that serve me moving forward. Because the truth is, I don’t want my job. I am completely underemployed and none of my skills or talents are being used at that job. The truth is, most of the relationships I had were draining at best. The truth is, the neighborhood I live in is full of pollution. The truth is, it time to have a different life.
Yesterday I was crippled by an overwhelming desire to give. Yes, I wanted to give. I wanted to show up as all that I am. And I will finally say it. I am pretty awesome. Yes, I am. I am pretty strong. And I’m pretty intuitive and caring. I am kind and smart and talented. I know how to lead stuff and see the root of things. I am beautiful on the inside. And, oh, I can Love. Oh, I have such a deep well of Love in me. And I am wise.
It scary. Letting go of the life you’ve known is downright frightening and I don’t recommend it for all people at all times. You will fall apart. It’s only common sense. You are asking to fall apart. You are asking for everything to be different and there will be an adjustment period where the new has not yet appeared and yet you realize that the old is gone. And you will be afraid. And maybe sad.
This is the time to call upon all that you are and all that you’ve known. This is the time to step into your own shoes. This is the time to bring out the strong stuff and the Love stuff and the faith stuff. This journey had not been in vain. You have learned things. You have gained courage. You have realized that even when you have not known how you would make it through a given day, you have made it through. Call upon the Love in you. Call upon the Peace in you. Call upon your Power and Strength. Let that that would fall apart pass through and fall. No need to pretend the breakdown isn’t happening. Just let it break. Let it go. It will pass through. Maybe you will cry or tremble or get a headache or whatever, but eventually it will pass through.
This time is about you being willing to let the fear and the sorrow and the grief pass. To let it all fall and then see what is left. You will still be here, and you will be neutral now, walking without the weight of the past, but with all of its lessons. And from this place, a place of serenity, a place of self awareness, a place of faith and strength, we build again. Yes, for the first time we walk towards the life we’ve always known is ours…
“May that which you seek come rushing to meet you.” -EH
Ameen.
Day 359
Falling Apart
So…
I wrote a completely different blog and then got a text message from a friend.
I had edited a friend’s poetry book a while ago. He’s a visual artist among other things. We had made an agreement that I was going to edit his poetry book and he was going to draw pictures for my children’s book.
Well, after I edited the book (and recommended the title that he is now using), he told me that he didn’t feel like drawing the pictures. He said he just wasn’t feeling it. I really Love his visual style and when I wrote my children’s book, I had imagined his pictures, so I was hurt and disappointed and angry. He said he was willing to pay me for the editing job, but I think I just cursed him out or something. That was years ago.
Fast forward to this year. I had found a new illustrator for my children’s book, but the new illustrator was having a creative block and wasn’t producing. In the years in between, my friend and I had gotten back on speaking terms, and I approached him about drawing pics again. Again, he said he wasn’t feeling it. And again he offered to pay me. This time I said yes and asked him to pay me. He said he would work something out. This was months ago.
Last week I had asked said friend to help out with my commercial shoot and he said no and yesterday I had asked said friend to spend time together so we could have a conversation and he said yes and then cancelled. Then this morning I went on Facebook and found out that said friend would now be putting the book I edited into bookstores. I was incredulous. So I sent him a text message asking him when he was going to pay me. He said soon, and then I asked him for a specific date.
Then he asked me for my address so he could mail me the money…
He lives fifteen minutes away from me.
-_-
More than being angry, I am hurt… I want to teach him a lesson, but I will pray for him instead. I will punch a wall instead of punching him in my thoughts, because the truth is, I Love him anyway.
It has been years since this particular person has been a friend to me, you hear me? Years. I have been sitting around hoping and waiting and giving and sharing and caring and thinking that one day, I would need him and he would come. Just for me. And I am hurt because I know that he never will.
And I am even more hurt because I knew this a long time ago and I kept him as a friend nonetheless. I am angry with myself for keeping such assholes in my inner circle for so long.
There is this thing that I’ve been trying to figure out for some time. How does one be nice and not get used? I have tried being mean and closed up and hard, and that works. Nobody uses you or takes advantage of you, but it hurts. Something in me hurts when I am so closed up. And I have tried just being nice and loving and then I get stupid friends like the one I spoke of or many of the guys I know who, because you are kind to them, seem to forget to notice that you exist as a person independent of their needs and wants and that you need kindness, too.
I am tired of hating men, you see. And I am tired of being mean. And I am tired of being nice and used.
And I know there must be a solution to it all. Here you have it: my epiphany for the day. To the nice people: Just don’t be friends with mean people. You can be nice to mean people, but don’t be friends with them.
Give them a dollar from a distance. Pray for them. Send them packets of Love and don’t expect anything back. Remember the good in them. See the good in them in spite of their meanness, but don’t expect them to be good to you or see the good in you.
They are mean people, remember? They are broken and bitter. Get a job where you help them if your heart has that compassion, but demand niceness when you go home. Demand consideration from the ones you bring close. Demand that they cook you soup and know your birthday. Demand that you can call on them when your car breaks down and you don’t always have to make an appointment when you are in need. Demand that they notice when there is pain in your voice or your hair is getting thin. Just demand niceness when it comes to the ones you bring close…
If you want to maintain niceness in a mean world and not become a bitter, broken, used-up soul, then you have to create a world of niceness where you can renew and remember. Where you can be yourself and be accepted. Where you can trust again. Where you know that you can turn around and no one will stab you in the back. At least at home. At least in your inner circle. It is so important.
If you demand niceness, and give niceness, the people in your life will change the way they treat you, or they will disappear.
My “friend” can disappear if he likes. He’s an asshole. I’m sure he will get back to being his lovely self one of these days. And he can come back around when he’s done being mean. I’ll send him prayers on the wind and gifts from afar until then. I’ll let him know that I Love him anyway, but you really can’t be my friend and treat me any old kind of way. It just won’t do. It just won’t do…
There is something wonderful about recognizing that you deserve kindness. You deserve kindness, ok? Life isn’t only supposed to be one-sided. You deserve kindness. You’re a good person. You just gotta ask for it. Give it first and ask for it… Ameen.
Day 358
The Nice People
Hi There.
Good afternoon. I hope all is well. I have a session with my therapist friend in 37 minutes, so this won’t be long.
I wanted to write a bit and let you know that this week long sabbatical has been the best thing I’ve done for myself in almost a year. I went to my favorite park in town and my favorite restaurant in town yesterday. The trees and sweet smells nourished me. The fresh air rejuvenated me. The food… It was nice to eat something delicious and healthy that I didn’t have to cook.
Good Afternoon, Loves. Life is good. I said three more goodbyes in the past few days. It’s not that I have a whole bunch of men. I actually haven’t had a committed relationship in years. What happens, though, especially if you’re single for a while, is that you get all these “attachments”. You meet some guy and maybe you go and have coffee once or twice. Or walk together at the park a few times. You might kiss or hold hands or do nothing physical at all. But you talk. You imagine. You envision. At some point, you think about what it would be like to be his partner and maybe he thinks the same of you. And then something happens. Maybe it takes a week. A month. A day. A few months. Some fear sets in. He doesn’t answer one of your phone calls, or you don’t answer his. He finds out that you have guy friends that you read books to. You find out that he lied about something. A confrontation ensues. The air of peace and love dissipates. Distrust and resentment take over. And then you disappear. Or he disappears. Maybe there is a good cuss-out before the disappearance. Or maybe someone just starts ignoring the other. The one with the biggest ego always makes sure to say the most hurtful thing before the departure. Hardly is there ever a conversation where the two say, “I really had the time of my life with you, but because of such and such and such and such, I don’t think we could have a long term future. Thank you for everything. I learned all this stuff from being in your presence. I’m sorry for the damage I’ve done. May your path be Blessed.”
And life continues. Maybe. Mostly life goes on, but those people linger in your mind. As time passes, you think of how silly the argument you had was. You wonder what happened to such and such person if you really liked them. You wish you could have said sorry for something you did or you wish they could have said sorry. You think that maybe you are a better person now or they are a better person and maybe the two of you could actually work something out at this point. You don’t even remember what you had been fighting about and the person just sticks in your subconscious mind as a loss, a sadness, another reason to see life as ugly.
You will say that that’s the way life is, but life is the way you make it. We are not bystanders sitting back allowing all those “people out there” to create our life experiences. We are the people out there and the least we can do for ourselves is recognize that we have some say in how we live our lives. If you don’t make peace with your past, even though the person is gone, the attachment remains. The energy lingers. And it gets in the way. Sometimes we are even waiting, hoping, for someone from the past to come back and make things right. We dream of them. We keep their pictures. We replay our issues over and over again. And it gets in the way of anything new.
I’ve been on this mission for the past few months. I just want to let go of anything that gets in the way of the fulfillment of True Love in my life. And I want to say sorry. Because I am sorry. I want to make things good if I can. The silly men from my past usually don’t want to do anything good. They want to hold on to resentments and unforgiveness and keep doors open even though they know they will never step through them. They are committed to seeing themselves as “right” and everyone else as “wrong” at all costs. Their self-identity depends on it. And who am I to ask them to change who they are just so I can have peace of mind?
It is OK. It is OK for people to be on the paths they are on. This is what You mean by acceptance, isn’t it? It is OK if people don’t Love you or if they don’t like you. It’s OK if they don’t want to offer you compassion or understanding. Oh, I almost understand it..
Your job is not to try and change other people. Your job is to change yourself. It sounds so cliche, but I almost understand it. Your job is to allow yourself to be Loved, instead of putting up walls against it. Your job is to accept compassion, instead of saying no to all gifts. Your job is to create an environment where there is space for Love. And your job is to demand respect and Love and kindness from the people you surround yourself with. Everyone won’t want to give it to you. In fact, if you have fallen low into depression like I had, it’s most likely that most of the people in your inner circle don’t want to give it to you, and that’s part of the reason you’re so sad.
Your job is to say, “Excuse me. This will not do anymore. I need to be able to express Love and I need to receive it.” And your circle will change. They will leave or they will change and it will be because you have done your duty to yourself.
And you may be alone for a while. You may get sick for a while. Your body might break down and you may be plumb confused and crazy because your whole life paradigm is shifting. Do not loose faith. Above all else, keep doing your job. Keep honoring yourself. Keep saying sorry. Keep forgiving. Keep going to the places that nourish you and finding nourishment. Keep accepting the Love and kindness that you will find shows up from the strangest of places. And do not worry about the people who you thought were your people. They may be. But they may not be. Let them be who they are. They are on their own paths. And the ones who will walk with you in your fullness will find their way to you.
Oh please believe me. I know. Please believe me. I know. Please keep going. Please keep going. Please keep Loving yourself. Please keep Loving others. The world will try and break you. Bend, rest, repurpose, but do not break. Just keep doing your job. Keep wanting to live. Keep trying to live. Keep setting good intentions.
Life can be good, I promise. Just keep doing your job.
Day 357
Your Job
I called in to work today. I’m not going in the rest of the week. Deleted the blog I just wrote. There was too much complaining in it. Nothing wrong with complaining when you have to. I just said I wasn’t going to do it anymore.
Suffice it to say that today and this week have been challenging. I shot the commercial this past weekend and interacted with all sorts of personalities. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a variety of viewpoints in my house at one time. The next day I spent hours, literally, talking to the different people I had worked with. Everyone had their concerns. This one lady was concerned about who was going to see the pictures of her daughters. One of the actors wanted to make sure he had enough camera time. One of the crew members was trying to hit on me and woo me as he dropped off some files…
I’ve been sitting in front of this computer for the past two hours trying to sort out my thoughts and trying to figure out what I’m going to do next with my life. I didn’t get into the filmmaking program that I really wanted to be a part of. So that changes everything. I thought that in September I would be working with the big wigs and learning from them and actually getting paid enough money to thrive in this city. Now that that’s not happening, I have to go back to the drawing board.
My current job only sustains me. It doesn’t move in any direction that I’m trying to go and I have very little left to give to it. BUt I promised myself that I would stay with it until I find a new source of income, so I’m not quitting yet. I’m not quitting yet, but God, this is hard for me.
All of this rejection, all of this uncertainty, years of just trying to catch up and no lasting success… It’s taking a toll on me and I’m beginning to feel a little discouraged and doubtful… I don’t want to step into the self-pity quicksand, and so I’m taking this week off so that I can sit still…
What do I have to do, Lord? What am I doing wrong? What should I do next? I just don’t know any more… Is there something I need to let go of? What is it? I don’t always know when to hold on and when to let go. I don’t always know which direction to walk. I know, though, that now is not the moment for me to sit still. And I also know that the One who will Guide me lives in my own Inner Consciousness…
– And You say that I know what to do.
It is taking so long, though, Allah.
– And You say that I have not even been on this path for a year yet.
But I am weary, Allah.
– And You say that I am strong.
But I am tired… I am tired.
And at last we agree on something.
– I will give you rest, You say. I will give you rest… Rest now. Rest.
Thank you… I put my head down on my arms. Police sirens outside fading away. Now birds chirping in the tree outside my window…
What are our options?
We can give up like most of the people on our planet. Forget about the things we dreamed of when we were young. Real Love and Commitment, Heroes, Making a Living doing what we Love… We can forget about passion. We can get a better job somewhere and just marry a man who will be nice to us. Don’t worry about Love and all that magical thinking like soul connectivity and all those abstract things that can’t be measured.
We can keep dreaming of this life that we have never seen, this soulmate phenomenal love, this debt-free existence, this world where our creative ideas and business ideas are received and implemented. We can keep trying to make this dream life a reality, but there is the possibility that this life we dream of is just a dream that will never come to pass for us, and time is passing.
This is called a crossroads. I am at a crossroads here. And You say that I don’t have to make a decision just yet. Wait until I am clear. That is the mistake most of us make. We rush and make choices that we are not sure about. Just wait. In the meantime, finish catching up. You have this whole week to finish. Finish organizing your home. Figure out exactly how much debt you have and then you can decide what needs to be done. Make good on all your past due promises. Finish making peace with all your past relationships. You are afraid to finish because you know that once you are finished catching up, you will have to choose.
It is a big responsibility. You can not say that I chose to give up because I had a child or I needed money or blah blah blah. And you can not say that I chose to follow my dream because there was no other choice. The choices are infinite. Yes, you will only be able to say that I chose to take a certain path because I chose to take a certain path. No one will be manipulating or coercing you. There is no man to blame and you can’t blame your mom anymore. It’s just you.
This is the reality of pure choice. You are the chooser. And although it may seem daunting, it is the most liberating thing to realize that you are living a life by design.
So take this time to rest, clear your mind, catch up on what you can catch up on, and figure out what debts remain. Take this time to decide what path you are choosing. This is such a vital step on this journey. Take this beautiful, blessed time to become very clear. Rest and be encouraged. Your life is just beginning.
Day 356
Rest
You can probably tell that I’m trying not to let this end.
I’ve never been particularly good with endings. The fact that I told myself that my life would be totally transformed after 365 days of intentional contemplation doesn’t help either.
Good morning, World. It’s Saturday. My favorite day of the week. Today is no exception. The energy in the world is easy on Saturdays. I am easy and relaxed. I’ve been having wonderful dreams lately. This morning I dreamed that my mom was here cooking for the video shoot that I’m about to have and my brother was helping to paint…
I’m shooting a commercial today. It’s gonna be my first time running a set and being behind a camera in years. The cast is more than ten people and we have some complex shots.
I am nervous. I heard about the opportunity late, and so we had very little time to plan. In fact, I can write long because I need to get working. My brother may not help. My mom is in another state…
You find out who your friends are when you really need something. I’m glad to say that I haven’t really been surprised. The people who I thought would be there for me have been there for me and the people who’s support I doubted have found something else to do today, go to the beach or something…
My brother just got home… I promised myself not to talk too much about my family on this blog. They are very private people and I know they don’t want their business in the street. But I must deal with this feeling I have towards my brother. He doesn’t appear to be on my team, you know?
But wow… I just asked him to help… paint… And he said he would!
Wow. Surprises every day. I’m gonna do this. I promise. I don’t want talk too much about it. I just want to do it. Ten days, huh? Ten days of pushing. Sometimes it’s time to push and sometimes you go easy. This is a time to push. My body is recovering and it has more energy. It can handle a bit of pushing now. My emotions are more sensitive than ever, but my brain works now and I actually care about myself a bit. I demand Love from the people I invite into my circle and I step away from those who would hurt me. Although I have been used to being a fighter most of my life, I’m really a lover. Now, I can curse someone out and throw punches if I need to, but most of the time I don’t need to. And I don’t want to. Most of the time I want to be happy.
You remember when I couldn’t even say I wanted to live? You remember when I couldn’t even imagine that good things were possible for me? You remember the days I would go into anxiety attacks just at the thought of writing my script or when I was couch hopping from house to house living in the most dire of situations? You remember when I had demonized my brother so much in my mind that I couldn’t even think a kind thought towards him? Do you remember when my heart was broken into a thousand pieces and I had all these men in my life who never quite wanted to assume the responsibilities of being someone’s man, but always wanted to reap the benefits? Do you remember when I would say I’m a writer but never write? And I would say I’m a lover but never love? There were days when I didn’t honor my feelings or thoughts and by consequence I allowed those around me to dishonor me as well. There were moments, y’all, when life didn’t seem worth living. When it seemed as if suffering and sadness and heartache and loneliness were the only options for me…
Do you remember when the other side of happy was only a dream somewhere out there, never to be realized?..
I remember. And I like to officially announce: THOSE DAYS ARE OVER. Those days are over, you hear? Those days are over. Claim it for yourself. Those. Days. Are. Over. Forever. Casted back into the nothingness from which they came. Those days are over. And we do not condemn the darkness from whence we came. We honor it for the compassion and Love and Wisdom and Courage and Strength it has taught us. We thank it for forcing us to reconnect with Truth. We are grateful because now when tragedies and disappointments come, we know from experience that those days can be over and we don’t stay on the bed crying for too long, because we have seen that life can be worth living. We have seen that we, yes we, with our little selves, can bring light even to our own lives.
And we bring it. Today, God, I walk in the light of all of who I am. I give thanks for the Love growing in me. I give thanks for the Courage growing in me. I give thanks for the Strength moving in me. I give thanks for the Peace of Mind taking me over.
The days of sorrow are something I will write about in a book one day. They will help me be able to look at those who suffer and know that they are not their suffering. I look forward to new days now, though? You hear? I look forward to new days…
Day 355
Those (Sad) Days Are Gone
I have been away for some time. Sorry.
The momentum of the changes I am experiencing have overwhelming and I have not been able to go inwards in over a week.
But yesterday I prayed. And today I’m writing again. Where shall I start?
Men? I walked down the street last week with my body trembling. I had released He Who Came Before. I couldn’t convince myself of a really good reason why I hadn’t chosen him. All I knew is that I didn’t want to. My body had been trembling for two days straight and I decided to go outside, take a walk and run some errands in my neighborhood. I was on my way to a restaurant and passed a man as I turned the corner. “Excuse me,” he said. I kept walking. “Excuse me,” he said. “Can I talk to you?”
I stopped and talked to him. He decided to join me on my walk and we ended up having dinner together.
And everything changed, just like that. For three days in a row, I couldn’t sleep at night. My connection with him was so intense. He had never been in my house, yet I could feel his presence around me all the time. And then I began to feel everything and everyone I interacted with. It’s never happened to me on this level before. If I came across an excited person, I felt excited. If someone was depressed, I became depressed and dark. At work, there was an overwhelming resignation that tugged at my spirit. I felt powerless and at the whim of all the energies I came across. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t even read my books.
It was beyond drowning. It was like a bright light had flashed and I had become blinded by everything. All I could do was cover my eyes and breathe… And so that’s what I did.
And yesterday the blindness ended. I had a meeting about the grievance at my job. After about three months of passing a grievance through different levels at my job, I finally reached the last level. And do you know what they told me? They told me that I couldn’t file a grievance on this issue. They told me that the letter I was grieving about, an inaccurate letter that my supervisor wrote and then asked me to sign, would be put in my temporary file unsigned and would stay there for a year. There was nothing I could do about it.
I left the meeting and called in sick the rest of the day. I came home and took a shower. I washed and washed and washed myself and I cried. Who was I? What had become of my life? Why had I had so many broken relationships, as the new guy asked? What was I doing here? At this job? In this place? What had become of my life and who was this shell of the woman I used to be?
When I got out of the shower, I was able to pray. And so I prayed. For hours. I prayed. I don’t even know what I prayed for. I didn’t pray for answers or things or change. I just prayed so that I could feel something other than what I was feeling. I prayed so that I could be something other than what I was being. I prayed for my life. Robin Williams had just killed himself. He had just killed himself because he saw no other way out. But I didn’t want to kill myself. I wanted to find a way back to life and I was crazy enough to believe that there was a way to find a way back to life.
And so I gave thanks for being crazy. Last night, after going through a week’s worth of tug-of-war with this new guy, we met up in peace. We sat and had dinner together. I told him about some of the things I was going through and he became protective over me. I have not felt protected by a man who has had romantic interest in me for a while. “I’m into you,” he said. We agreed that whether we became a couple or not, we would be good to each other. I think he just might be cool enough to keep his word.
Today I called in to work again. I needed to pray some more. I needed to answer some more questions. Who was I now? Who am I being? What am I doing? And where should I go from here? Is this new guy my husband? Should I build with him yet? He’s nothing like the guys I usually like. He’s not famous or super successful or rich. He doesn’t have an ex-wife or children or some girl he’s emotionally entangled with, like every single guy I’ve ever had a serious relationship with did. He is just beginning to live his life to the fullest and figure out what he wants to do with himself, and that’s OK with me. Up until now, I never realized the beauty of interacting with someone who is not moored to something. There is the opportunity to dream and build together… Wow.
When I asked him where he wants to live for the rest of his life, he said “wherever you want to live.” It was just a flirtatious response, but a part of me knows that this man would actually “Travel the Ends of the Earths” with someone he loves, like Dream Lover had only spoken of doing years ago. He’s available. On the inside. He’s available on the inside! He’s available… Like my Saturday mornings: easy and free and deep. And in this past week, I see that he has a rare characteristic of the alchemists. He has the ability to choose who he is becoming instead of leaning upon who he has been.
He has the ability to wipe the slate of his life clean and start at the beginning, and today I am feeling into that energy. I’m not in Love yet, and it is very possible that I may never be in Love with him, but I am at the beginning. My attachments to the past are becoming less and less and I am seeing where my suffering was coming from: a lack of choice.
I had been holding on to a woman who is no longer me. I had been tarrying in relationships that had run their course long ago. I had had one foot in Heaven and the other on Earth and I had been wearing shoes that I had long outgrown. I had been afraid to let go of who I had been for the hope of the blessing of who I am becoming. And as I write these words, the fear still exists, but the faith has finally become stronger than the fear and the lessons of the past can finally be implemented into this stubborn girl’s life.
I am choosing Love again. Not just in Words. I am choosing Passion again. Again and again. I am choosing Truth again and Receptivity and Availability and Openness and Strength and Cleanliness. I am choosing Purity and Patience. I am choosing to be the biggest nerd ever and have Integrity. I am choosing Spiritual Power and I am choosing a good life at Last. I am coming Home to myself at Last…
Thank You, God.
Day 354
In The Beginning (Choice)
hownottocryeveryday 