I must admit. I love being at home in my cocoon.
Since my brother left, I have spent so much time in my apartment reading, praying, sleeping, watching old TV shows that I’ve never watched… I turn my phone on silent and face down on the weekends. Sometimes I don’t look at it ’till after three. I Love, Love, Love going on adventures in my mind.
I know. I can’t spend my weekends lounging around the house and drinking peppermint tea forever, but, oh, it has been so nice…
Today I spent hours contemplating limitlessness and the land of the living. This new guy I met, The Old Prophet, has me looking at life so different. He is like no other man I’ve ever met. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met smarter men, taller men, men who are more handsome, more successful and more worldly. I have known people who are much more fun to be around. But The Old Prophet is different than every other man I’ve met in and been with one way: he is ready and available. With the exception of the one guy who actually got down on his knee and proposed to me with an engagement ring years ago, all of the guys who I have ever dated have only spoken about being ready.
They have only ever spoken about marriage and children and lives together. And then they have disappeared, run away, taken unseen engagement rings back to stores at the slightest sign of disturbance. In retrospect, I see that they (nor I) were ever really ready to have the kind of love that we had imagined.
But The Old Prophet… Well, he is old. And he’s a prophet. LOL. And he’s not afraid of anything. And he would never disappear… I know this like I know my very breath. And he speaks to me about marriage and children. He feeds me apples and listens when I talk. And I know he prays for me every day. And when I sit across from him, he opens himself for me to see into his eyes. I can never hold his gaze, but he holds mine nonetheless. “This is what it feels like when a man is ready,” I think to myself. And I realize that I have never known this feeling before.
Good afternoon world. We are entering the land of the living. My heart beats fast just thinking about it. Today I spent time imagining what life would be like if life were really limitless. If I could really do and be anything with this physical incarnation I call my life, what would I be and do? I asked all parts of myself: body, mind, Spirit, emotions. I looked at my physical surroundings. What would I do? Where I would be? Who would I do it with?
Oh, I had such Lovely visions! I have never dared to dream on that level, without limitations, but I dreamed! I would be a writer. I would work on projects all the time: movies, books, songs, commercials. And I would have money. Money would never be an issue. I would have all debts paid in full and I would get everything with cash. I would help people. In addition to my writing projects, I would be active in my heal the world project, but I would also help other people who have their own heal the world projects. Empowering the disempowered would be a life-long adventure. Oh, and I would Love and be Loved! This was the hardest part for me to envision, but I did it.
I envisioned Love. Unabashed Love. Unconditional Love. It was so Lovely. I took snippets of things that have happened in my real life to fuel my imagination. Drinking tea in a house by a lake with Dream Lover. Chasing my little nephew at a park just after he learned how to run. My sis doing the whole birthday surprise thing for me. Sitting with Mr. Producer and talking about writing. Dancing and dancing and dancing with my girlfriends… Smiling really big after going out on a fantastic date. A beloved holding me after I had lost my apartment… I thought of all the good things, all of the Love, all of the beauty I have experienced. I thought of how I look when I have nice clothes and my hair and nails and eyebrows are done. I thought of how beautiful my living spaces have been when I actually took the time to decorate them with Love. I thought of how much fun it used to be to teach those horribly bad kids I used to teach. I would be so excited to make lesson plans. And they would be so excited to come to class.
In my visions, I saw a home somewhere. More than one bedroom. A backyard. An avocado tree. Fruits and vegetables. There was a child and another on the way — I can barely write this. There was a man who Loved me. He wasn’t going anywhere. He was never going to hurt me. He was only going to Love me more as time went on. And he was going to let me give him all the Love I have. It was a lot, but he could handle it…
Welcome to the land of the living, You tell me, God. I haven’t dreamed in years. But more than that, I haven’t actually thought that my dreams could come true in… I don’t know if I’ve ever really thought that my dreams could come true. And clothes! I haven’t had new clothes in years! Or adorned my body and my home in years! I can be real pretty when I want to be, but I haven’t wanted to be…
Anyway. Now I do. Now I want to be. The best that I can be. Yes. I want to be the best that I can be. I accept this initiation. I accept the fulfillment of these visions and even more. I accept, God. I accept, I accept, I accept, I accept, I accept, I accept, I accept.
I am entering the Land of the Living.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 367
The Land Of The Living
Speaking of entry points… Wow.
So… after my last blog entry, I got an awesome opportunity to practice what I preach. I received my bimonthly check from work. I was expecting enough money to pay my rent, pay back some debt, buy a plane ticket, give some folks some money. Instead, I received a check for $22.10.
Yes, twenty-two dollars and ten cents. For two weeks worth of work. My job screwed me. While I was on sick leave, I had requested to get paid for those two weeks using leave time I had available. When I came back to work, I saw on my timesheet that they hadn’t coded me to be paid for those two weeks. So I went all the way to the highest level of management to rectify the situation. I filled out a bunch of paperwork and was assured that I would get paid. And then my check came. $22.10.
When I told management about the check, they said that the only way I could get paid immediately is if I agreed to a 35 percent tax cut on my check… So, I will be waiting until the end of the month to get paid. I was livid, depressed, angry… I felt defeated and worried.
And then I remembered my own words. Entry points. I looked for a deeper realization of truth in the situation, and the truth slapped me in the face just like that twenty-two dollar check. It’s time to go. It’s time to do something different with my life now. I mean, it’s time to do my life now.
It is hard to see past a situation when you are in it. Doubts flood my mind. If I quit my job, what will I do? How will I pay rent? What about all of my debts? And my good good insurance? How I will I get any of that again? Fears and doubts. They flood my mind and keep me from submitting the resignation letter that I had conceived of five days ago.
I come here now for truth. I come here now to see past appearances. I just had the notion that someone is rewriting this blog. It’s OK. Thank you… But I digress.
I come here, Most High, seeking Your Guidance and Authority. We have crossed over to the other side of happy and the world that we knew is falling apart right in front of our eyes.
And this is the fun part.
This is the part where we get to practice all that we have known. This is the part where we experience for ourselves the miracle of transformation. And we start with our eyes closed, so that we can see beyond what we see.
Beyond our homes. Beyond the current state of our relationships. Beyond our neighborhood, beyond our place of work. We close our eyes that we may see the truth of our lives. We close our eyes that we might remember why we are here. In this place. In this neighborhood. In this relationship. At this moment in time. Has this experience served it’s purpose?
– Yes
And is it time to move on?
-Yes
And what did you gain? And what did you give in this?
I learned about God. I learned about Peace. I learned about releasing the past and completing relationships and forgiveness. And I gave Love. So much Love. I gave Love on purpose at last.
You see, every act is an act of creation. Whether you lie on the bed, write a blog, have sex, abstain, move, stay, quit, keep going… let go, hold on… All of it matters. And every moment is creating the next moment.
As we close our eyes, we do not see the circumstances that confound us, we see the vast light ahead of us. We see the entry point that we are standing at. The darkness is behind us. For now. It will come again as we reach new heights. And these entry points will only become more vast and more wide. With each episode, with each chapter of our lives, we emerge lighter, wiser, and more open, if we choose for it to be that way.
And I choose for it to be that way.
As I close my eyes, I am standing on an open field. Children run towards me. I can barely write this. My children… They are happy and beautiful. They are so happy… Behind me is a house. A man is coming home soon. Our bills are paid and we do good work in the world. I have seen versions of this scene before, in other people’s lives. Never have I seen it as my own. This, You say, is what I am stepping into. This is the Truth I am looking at.
Mind entertains doubts. “Fiction!” it screams. And for once we put mind in check. No. You don’t get to run things this time. This time, we start with Spirit. Truth is, everything to come from this point forward is fiction, dear mind. We have never seen any of it. We have never been this happy before. We have never been this free. We have never Loved so much. Our relationships have never been so good. We have never been this honest. So all of it, everything from now on is based on make believe. What we make, and what we believe.
I know, this entry is all over the place. I didn’t start out with a topic in mind and am just letting the thoughts and inspiration flow through. Bear with me please. I don’t want to delete this entry and start over or edit it, because the truth is, there are times when you have to walk through the fog in your mind before you can get some clarity. You just have to walk through it.
Don’t believe the shit. $22.10 my ass. Don’t believe it. Circumstances will make you think that your world is falling apart, but if you look past the appearances, you might just find that everything is actually falling together. Let it. I know it’s scary, maybe the scariest thing ever. You don’t know what will happen next. You don’t know how you will survive, but look at it this way. You know what will happen if things stay the same. They will stay the same.
Let this new thing that is calling you forward bring you forward. Upward. Onwards. Let it awaken your Soul. There is life in you yet. Oh, let yourself experience how brilliant you are. Let yourself experience how strong you are. Let yourself know that Grace can find you in spite of all that has happened. Grace can find you. Yes, even you. Let it. Let it come together now. Let it fall apart now. It is All coming together. It is all falling apart.
What I have discovered is that in the midst of all of the breaking down and falling apart and pain and despair and confusion… In the midst of all of that, if you just take a moment to look for it, you will find hope. It is the last thing to die and I would posture that if you are still alive, then it means that hope is still alive. Grab ahold of it and let it lead you on…
Ameen.
Day 366
$22.10 (The Cost of A Revelation)
Hey there.
Just got done working a bit on my new script. I love it. I love working on it. The ideas are flowing easily and naturally and I get all excited when I write.
This isn’t going to be my last entry. I will keep it going a while longer, until this transition to the other side is stabilized. I’m already here, but I’m not used to living this way yet.
New players in my life script let me know that drastic change is here. Energy courses through my body and I am able to exercise and move around again. My body is finally healing for good. Due to it’s breakdown, I discovered Kundalini yoga, a different diet, deep belly breathing, vibrational chanting, and various self-care modalities.
I am so peaceful these days, I barely recognize myself. I used to be in constant fights with everyone all the time. Some of the people I used to fight are still fighting other people, but not me. I’m not a part of that anymore.
I have been meeting men galore. Every time I step outside, there is someone new. At first it seemed pretty scary. You know? Men are my weakness. In my past, I haven’t really functioned well when I’ve been emotionally engaged with men. And so when they approach me these days, I associate them with breakdowns. This weekend, though, I decided to face my fears and engage with men again. Can’t say it was 100 percent smooth sailing, but I can say that it was better than I thought. Someone took me on a date to dinner and dancing. He wanted me to meet his family the next day. Another guy made an appointment for us to go to this wonderful myofascial body therapist together. Finally, someone else told me that he sees me as a diamond in the rough and he would like to help me step into my full potential. What can I say? These men are totally different than the kind of guys I have dated in the past. They come with gifts. They see me for who I really am, and they are willing to acknowledge it and tell me good things about myself instead of constantly playing chess, trying not be vulnerable. They have been praying and meditating long before they met me. They do things in the world that help people. They tell the truth and they don’t run away. They are mature, and although they are willing to help me in some areas in life, they don’t see as a project that needs fixing, or a woman that needs to get with their program. They like me as I already am…
The last guy, who happens to be a massage therapist among other things, and who also happens to go to my spiritual center, peaks my interest the most. I like him because he lives in prayer and he doesn’t try to force anything. He is open to being completely giving and completely receptive. I’ll call him the Old Prophet, because that’s what he reminds me of. He’s a person who can see the deeper layers of things…
I can’t write long today. I have to go to work. I want to offer something to the world this morning, though, because life is reigniting in my body and I feel like I have something to offer. Whatever time you are in, whatever moment you are experiencing is an entry point to a deeper realization of the truth of life. Let it lead you. Let it inform you. And if it breaks you, let it teach you how to get back up with all of the pieces of your true self in tact.
We are riding the waves of life together, each one breathing life into the other. Each one taking life from the other. It can be a dance instead of a war. It can be peaceful instead of tumultuous. It can be open instead of closed. It can be greater than anything you can imagine in this present moment. Trust me. I know. Because I am here. And I never imagined I would be here with Love coursing through my veins in spite of all that would have me hate.
May your day be Blessed. May your life be Blessed. May this moment be an entry point for you…
Ameen.
Day 365
Entry Points
Good morning Lovers,
I hope all is well. All is well with me. In fact, I think I haven’t felt this way in years. Probably 2012. When I won that car and trip, etc.
My situation is the same. I live at the same place. I work at the same place. I make the same amount of money. I have changed, though. A lot. I am at peace.
So much happens every single day that it’s hard to keep up and write about the details. Those three weeks of work therapy may have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I went back to work and wrote a letter to the President of my company explaining everything that had been happening to me at work for the past five months. I used the techniques I learned in work therapy class. 1. Explain the facts with exact dates. 2. Say how you feel and how that affects your job performance and life. And 3. Tell them what action you’d like to be taken. If you don’t know, months ago, I had been wrongfully accused of informing a coworker/friend of mine about an investigation that the job was doing on her. My job wanted me to sign a letter saying that I was an informant and I wouldn’t sign it. I went to the Union to contest the letter and the whole process took over three months of meeting with different people. After the last meeting, my job told the Union that due to a technicality, I couldn’t contest the letter.
Then they tried to change my evaluation and put the contents of the letter on my evaluation. I went to the Union again and contested that. I won and they changed my evaluation back to the original. Shortly thereafter, I was supposed to go on vacation and my vacation hours had mysteriously disappeared from the computer system. Well into the time that I was supposed to be on vacation, my supervisor still did not tell me what had happened to my vacation hours. In fact, they had stopped talking to me. I couldn’t breathe. My head hurt all the time. I couldn’t concentrate while at work. I went to the doctor and she put me on immediate stress leave and I didn’t go back to work the next day…
During my stress leave, I got three weeks to center and reevaluate my life. They made me (and a group of other stressed-out workers) took classes on communication, assertiveness, mindfulness, and self care. I went to my favorite park and my favorite food stores. Two days before going back to work, I got my check and saw that they had marked me as absent for my sick leave days and hadn’t paid me. When I went back to work and looked at my time sheet, I saw that they had marked me absent without pay for the entire three weeks, even though I had sent them a very detailed letter asking to use all available leave time to compensate for my sick leave.
All I could think of was my peace of mind. There was no way I was going to moving due to the inability to pay rent. There was no way I was gonna go without healthy food. I couldn’t believe they were messing with my money. My breath started to get short, but I stopped and used the techniques I learned in class. I breathed and breathed and prayed. Then I took action. I wrote a letter to the President of the company and told her everything that had happened. “This situation has made it very difficult for me to function at work. I feel like I have no recourse to unwarranted adverse actions taken against me,” I wrote. And then I waited. Two days after my return to work, I had a meeting with upper management. The president had gotten my letter and management was under investigation by some secret unit that I never knew existed at my job. It was too late for them to pay me for the two missing days on my check, but right in front of my face, they changed my time sheet for the next to week from absent without pay to paid. They asked me what else they could do, and I told them.
That was this past Monday. Within a week, they had corrected or attempted to correct all of their errors. Then on Friday I had an emergency and had to leave work for a few hours. I told my supervisor that I would come in to work from 12 to 5 and he said “OK, Laydie.” When I came in to work, he waited until 3pm told me that I would only be paid for four hours instead of five. He said that I had to take a lunch. When I told him that I thought we had agreed for me to work from 12 to 5, he said that he had never agreed. He said that saying “OK” did not indicate agreement… First, I told him that I was going to take an hour lunch, but then I thought about. Nope. It wasn’t right. I went back and told him that I didn’t think what he was doing was fair. We argued and agreed to disagree. Finally, I said, “You can put absent for four hours on my time sheet. I will put absent for three hours on the timesheet I am filling out. When upper management sees the discrepancy and asks why, I will explain to them what happened.” I walked out of his office.
The interesting thing is that I wasn’t worried. I was calm. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I didn’t care. I wasn’t even mad at him. He had always been a coward and he was just being himself. He had agreed to my working hours, but now, maybe upper management didn’t like that decision, so he was trying to blame me, classic coward style. It was OK. That’s what cowards do. I said a prayer and blessed him and went back to work. About fifteen minutes before the end of the day, he came and apologized. He said he would notate my timesheet as absent for three hours. I apologized as well…
I am winning. Finally. I am finally standing up for my right to be treated with decency. Did you know there is something written down in the UN that talks about our basic human rights? We all have a right to be treated with decency.
My neighbor bought me some food the other day and gave me his bus card so that I could get around town. He knew that one month of docked pay was hurting me. He makes me want to write poems and stuff. I realized that he’s not and will never be my man. He’s so cool and loving, but I actually couldn’t ever see myself building a life with him. But he’s an awesome person and friend, and I’m glad to know him.
My friendships are very few these days. There is no man that I’m dating. Guys call sometimes, but I’m in the market for a husband, and they’re not it, so I don’t show them much interest. New Boo lingers around, but he’s afraid of vulnerability and everything else that’s necessary in order to fall in love. There’s nothing more I can do to try and make him feel safe. I remain open to Love and only Love.
I applied for that professional program that I got nominated for. I don’t know what will happen, but I did my best. Just being nominated was an honor in and of itself. It means someone out there thinks I’m a professional writer. It means there’s hope.
I don’t really know how I have lived with such drama and such stress and chaos and such heartache in my life for such a long time. I don’t know how I have carried so much pain in my heart. I don’t know how I ended up having so many dysfunctional relationships. No wonder my body and my mind finally broke down. It was time to do life completely differently. It is time.
I have said it was time before now, but here is the difference between now and then. Now I am ready. I have been tested. The same storms brew around me, but I walk calmly in the midst of them. Loneliness still pokes me sometimes, but I would rather be alone in lieu of spending time with people I am not in alignment with. And the best thing. When I put in that application for that professional program, I didn’t feel fearful or doubtful or have a panic attack, like I would do in the past. Instead, I felt hopeful. I imagined how happy I would be working with whoever I would be working with. That kind of life seemed very plausible for me. I thought about how I would be myself and share myself with my coworkers. I thought about how they probably have never met a woman like me.
Today is a peaceful day. I am in the in-between, the place where I know that the thoughts and the intentions that I am setting are going to pass. And so I think good thoughts, thoughts of gratitude and well being. Thoughts of love and joy. Thank you, Allah. Insha’Allah, this new life is going to be good…
It already is.
Ameen.
Day 364
Peaceful Things
There is so much to write about. Where shall I start?
RBB’s song from my spiritual center is on my mind.
“The Earth is Free again. The Earth is free again… My heart is free again. My heart is free again… I glow with life again. I glow with life again… My thought is purified. My thought is purified… And peace is in my eyes. And peace is in my eyes.”
I am making my way back home. Grace is cleaning up the cobwebs in my body and mind. The stagnant parts of my life are moving again. All is coming into balance. I am taking my place as a (and I hesitate to write this)… Queen.
I have been shirking responsibility for quite some time. I have been rejecting power and I have suffered because of it. I know, in my early life, being powerful and strong and responsible only meant that you had no one to lean on. It meant that the whole world was always on your shoulders and you could never rest or get any pity or mercy or compassion. It meant that you would always have to be there for someone else and no one would cook you soup when you were sick unless you were boarder-line dying.
And so I quit. Because I wanted some soup. And I wanted to be cared for. But I had thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Because accessing one’s personal spiritual power is a necessary part of this part of the journey. This is the part where we work in alignment with the Creator to do that which we have never done and experience that which we have never experienced; to give that which we have never given. This is the other side of happy…
My brother left two days ago. On the first night, I came home. I heard some people opening the gate downstairs and I got all rigid. “Oh, my brother is home,” I thought. But then I realized that he’s not coming home. No one is coming home. I realized that no man was coming here, either, because… well, there is no man in my life. And I realized that there is the possibility of a very select amount of friends coming over, but I would have to initiate invitations, etc. It dawned on me that I would have to start a social life from scratch if I wanted one. And I became afraid. It dawned on me that if I was going to get into this program I was nominated for, I was going to have to give twice as much as I was giving and I felt the possibility of failure take me over.
I went to the bed. Laid down and cried. The bed and crying are my drugs… And after I had cried for about ten minutes, the tears stopped. They just stopped. There were no more. I looked around my room. The door was open. “Well,” I thought. “What am I gonna do now?” My emotions told me to just go to sleep, but something wonderful happened. I didn’t listen. I don’t know why I didn’t listen, but I didn’t.
I got up instead. I got up and I got a lighter and some sage. And I began to pray. I asked God to be with me and bring the power out of me so that for once, my house would be a home and a sanctuary instead of a prison. And God responded. I prayed like a warrior. I blessed every corner, window and door of my house. “I call forth the spirit of Love in this place and I drive out anything that is in opposition to this now and forever!” I called forth Peace and Joy and Progress and Abundance and Grace. I called forth Happiness. And I blessed my Home. And I sang to it. And I blessed myself, calling forth all the good things within me. It is time to come out.
It wasn’t easy. I realized that I wasn’t used to this. I wasn’t used to standing up against my own demons so boldly. But it was such a wonderful feeling. I stood up proudly. I stood up and gave my all to the Blessing of this new beginning. And the Universe responded. I slept so well that night. Oh. I haven’t slept that well in such a long time. I woke up with my body tingling, encouraged and inspired. I woke up feeling able. I woke up feeling like I am able, like this is a wonderful place to be. At the beginning of a new beginning.
This ne beginning is a little different than the others, though, because this time life is ushering me forward and I am walking boldly in agreement and alignment with it. It has been years since I have given my all to anything. In fact, I don’t know if there has ever been a time in my life that I have sat down and said, “I am going to give my all to this” and then done so without fear or doubt or worry.
Well I am saying it now. I am going to give my all to my life and I am going to do so without fear or doubt or worry. My life is Good life. My way is Peaceful way. My heart is a Pure heart and I give it now! I deliver my gifts and talents to the world now! I use everything I’ve ever known and learned and been to buoy me up. I tap in to the Guide of all Guides to Guide my way on this journey. I give my all and I receive as well! Grace! Find me now. Love! Let us play. Beauty! Move through my fingers and feet and body. Oh, Truth! Purify everything. Yes! Yes! and Yes. Yes…
We stand up now. Tall. Not with pride, but proud. We are children of the Most High and we are not alone on this journey. We have come a long, long way to be able to speak these words. We have endured the darkness of the night with our smiles in tact and we have found a deep well within us that never runs dry.
Life has taken on a whole new color for me. The color of possibility. What would happen if I actually just gave my all? It is beyond my imagination. I know. Especially now. Now that I have very little blockage and very few fears. Now that depression doesn’t have a hold on me. Now that my vision has improved. Now that I am learning how to source happiness from the depths of my being.
Allah, I thank you for this day. A day when I feel like I know You. A day when demons do not scare me. A day when life finally makes a little bit of sense. I am Able… Able to do what? I don’t know. Able to get off the bed in spite of my fears. Able to take action towards building the life of my dreams. Able to give more than I’ve ever given. And able to receive more than I’ve ever received. With Grace and Gratitude. I am able to breathe life into a home that was dying…
I think that’s good for now, yeah?
-Yeah. Let’s bring it!
Ameen.
Day 363
On Giving Your All
Man oh man oh man… Oh man… Man…
When does the drama end?
Today my brother asked me if he could just pay me some money and stay with me instead of moving out… My brother is supposed to be moving out on October 1st. I have been dreaming about October 1st since that first night my brother spent the night out some days ago… I was scared at first, but then I felt so free… I could be in my own space… I could have people over again. Dinners. I could cook stuff and have people over without having to pre-arrange with bro…
I don’t even feel right writing about my brother and putting his business in the street. My brother is two years older than me, and suffice it to say that he and I were the closest of close up until I was about twelve, when we had a major conflict and drifted apart… As he grew into adulthood, sometimes he would clash with certain family members and the result would be a distancing. He and I stayed in communication because we just fought all the time. And then about ten months ago, he asked if he could stay with me. I knew that the only way he would ask to stay with me is if he needed to, and so I let him…
But it’s been hard for me. I have had to do a lot of growing and maturing and truly practice Love and Patience. At some point I initiated a conversation with bro and we made peace with all of the issues we’ve had since childhood. And since that conversation, he’s been nice to me… And I’ve been nice to him… But I was still looking forward to living on my own again…
I’m outside sitting at a Coffee Bean. I just didn’t want to be at home. I am my brother’s best friend and I’m going to either have to tell him to leave or possibly have the same issues I’ve had for over a year…
So… This is grown up stuff. Tough decisions, as Mr. President would say. Disappoint someone you Love or look out for yourself?
Wow… OMG. You will not believe what just happened. I just ran into this guy named Cupid and my brother right here at the Coffee Bean! Wow. I have to write more when I get home…
Wow. It’s the next day now. What a night. What a life. I have to tell you this story. Last night, in the course of two hours, my life just changed. I don’t know how much of life is our intention and our preparation and how much of it is just plain old chance, but I think it’s a combination of both.
Plain old chance, Grace, God, Mercy, Fate stepped in last night just as I was about to delve deep into a pity party. I was sitting at the Coffee Bean writing and when I looked out of the window, this guy was just staring at me. I looked back at him, and he didn’t make any motion or try to say anything. He just kept staring. But he looked familiar… Earlier this year, sometime before March, I had cut things off with My Almost One. I was sitting in my car in front of a grocery store crying and feeling sorry for myself. And then I went food shopping. When I got to the self check-out, there was this man just staring at me. I walked up to him, and for the life of me, I can’t remember what he said, but I remember how he felt. Peaceful and Loving. He said his name was Cupid. Yes. His real name was Cupid. He was kind of older, but not super old. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, but I had the feeling that he wasn’t going to call…
Well, I left the store and he never called, but it was OK with me. The next day I told my coworker about the experience. Heck, I may have even written it in this blog. It didn’t matter that the guy would never call. It didn’t matter that I would probably never be romantically involved with him. What mattered was his appearance in my life precisely at that moment. At the moment that I was losing hope and thinking that all men are mean pigs, I ran right into a man whose simple presence was uplifting, peaceful, and loving. It made me know that these kind of men exist in the world, too, and it was enough for me not to slip into despair.
Well, last night, after more than six months, on another side of town, Cupid was staring at me from outside of the Coffee Bean window. “Cupid?” I asked after walking outside to speak to him. “Hey,” he said. “How you been?” We ended up talking for about an hour and he walked me home. I told him about the situation with my brother. Not everything, though. I didn’t talk about our history or any details. I just told him that I had been looking forward to living by myself. He told me about a similar situation he had had with his sister, claiming that he and his sister’s energy clashed with one another. Then he said the thing that I was thinking but wouldn’t say for fear of sounding crazy. “You feel like you are a flower stuck in a pot when your brother is around,” he said. “And you spirit wants to be free to grow as it pleases”… He suggested that I listen to my Spirit when It talks to me…
“Are you an Angel?” I asked. “Something like that,” he replied… I don’t know if he’s an angel or a demon or a crazy guy who didn’t take his meds or a horny old man just trying to find out where I live, or just a regular person with a lot of outlandish notions, but it doesn’t even matter. What matters is that he blessed me. And when I got home, I said my prayers and I know exactly what I’m going to do.
To add icing to the cake, I checked my email last night. There was this fancy career-related program that I wanted to be a part of, but you can only get in by being nominated by particular nominating organizations. I am a member of one of the nominating organizations, and just yesterday my sister had asked me about this particular program. I had told her that I had asked my organization if they would nominate me, but the day that they were supposed to have announced their nominations had passed, so I didn’t think that they picked me. My organization had never really shown any signs of liking me that much, and although I felt like I was one of the most creative and talented people in the organization, I didn’t think I was the most skilled, I told my sister… Then I checked my email last night. “Hello Laydie. This is to confirm that you were nominated by such and such organization to such and such program. We wish you the best,” it read.
All kinds of ideas flashed through my head. I started crying. There is hope. There are possibilities beyond what I can imagine. What if I got into the program? I would work my butt off and put my all into it. This time I would be ready…
A very interesting thing my sister told me. Prior to this time in my life, I had been used to always winning. I didn’t even have to try. I would apply for the most competitive jobs and programs and I would miraculously get picked. School was easy. I got A’s without even studying. Men proposed to me without even knowing anything about me. I would go on game shows and win cars and trips and take adventures just based on pure chance. I have had a charmed life. But I didn’t know about losing up until this point in my life. It wasn’t until now that I learned that you could try and try and try at a thing and then just not get picked even though you are the most qualified. Or you could love with all your heart and not be loved back. Or you could think you’re going to win something and then just not win. And this part of my life has given me such a great lesson: Faith and Preparation.
At the end of the day, this is all we have to help us sleep at night.
I am learning that there is very little that we can control, but for any given situation, you can always ask, did I use all my skills and talents and knowledge and energy to work towards a certain end? And if you can say yes, then losing is OK. At least for me. As far as my career, this is the first time that I am actually trying my best. I am doing the work. And as far as my life, this is the first time that I am giving love a full-out chance by having a clear heart and learning how to communicate and be intentional. This is the first time that I am actually single, single, single and ready. And if I get into that program, it will be the first time that I will be fully prepared to take advantage of such an opportunity. My mind won’t be crazy any more. Discipline and hard work will no longer be strangers to me. I know about energy and how to always bring myself into a room and not be affected by others. I know about taking care of myself and where to go for nourishment. I can stand up for myself and still be kind. It’s not just in theory. I can push past my fears. I can push past rejection. I can get up and take action even when there is no evidence that my action will ever amount to anything. And I know how to accept good things now…
And I’m starting to believe that You had this thing all planned out, God. This part of my life has been quite an initiation. You have humbled me. And You have made me so kind. And You have taught me appreciation and gratitude. You have taught me how to connect with every living being and You are constantly showing me how to be myself in this world. And Lord, I didn’t break. I didn’t break. Through all of this, I didn’t get bitter and jaded. Even though I may have been walking very slowly at times and resting when I became too weary, I didn’t quit. And I can’t even take credit for any of that, because it has been You giving me kind words and encouragement and miracles just when I thought there was no hope. You have been on my team all along…
You are telling me that I have written enough words for this morning. They get the picture… “Rest assured that I am with you,” You say. “Enter now. The Land of the Living.”
…
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 362
The Land Of The Living
Hi there,
I woke up feeling really unsettled this morning… Supposed to be meeting with some friends in a bit, so don’t have time to mope around…
Saw My Almost One yesterday. Dream come true stuff. He said the magic words I never thought would come from his mouth. After telling him how I had felt about all the stuff he had done, he said, “You’re right. I apologize.” And we hung out and had the best time together… I was able to see the deep well of kindness in him… He actually asked me questions about myself and my life for the first time ever. He was actually interested. And we joked and laughed. He gave me some money because he knew I needed it… At the end of our time together, we both had to come to terms with the question: Is he my husband and am I his wife… The answer was no for both of us. 😦
We finally had a nice peaceful, enjoyable, fearless, loving time together only to come to the conclusion that, no, we weren’t the ones for each other. Somehow it seems like once upon a time, even six months ago, we were the ones for each other. But then we realized that something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t like the way he smelled. I don’t think he liked the fact that I always seem to be barely making it… Almost, though.
The closure had come, and although I’m glad we got it, it was still yet another closed door. The last closed door, to be honest. There are a couple of guys on my list that I never got in contact with, but they are not people who I think that we could have possibly gotten back together. Dream Lover still lingers, but the truth of the matter is, Dream Lover is a priest in his religion, and I really have no interest in ever being a part of his religion. I also don’t like his music and he thinks he’s the best musician on Earth, so after all the butterflies settled, there were real issues that probably would have caused us to never make it. I let go of the idea of him ever coming back and making good on anything he said. I release him. Here and now. He is forgiven. All words and promises and agreements are null and void. He may go in peace. He may be in peace. Oh, Peace to you, Love. Peace to you. I will hold you hostage no more and I will be bound by thoughts of you never again. You are free to go and I am free to go. Peace and Love to You, King. May your path be Blessed beyond your fondest dreams… Ameen.
…
I am at zero. I do believe that the last time that I didn’t have a single guy to crush on was before I hit puberty. Yesterday my one LA female friend cancelled on yet another outing, and I realized that I’m pretty much at zero as far as friends are concerned as well… I’m at zero with my job. I’m about to either get fired or quit. I’m at zero with my apartment. I realize that this neighborhood will no longer do… I’m at zero, meaning my life doesn’t suit me anymore and there is nothing that I wish to hold onto.
Previously, I was at about negative 30. I had all this baggage from my past that had me crying and pontificating every day. I don’t have any of that anymore (well, maybe some slight residual dust lingering).
But right now, all I have to look forward to is what life may bring. The past is over. And this is the really horrifying part. We hold on so tightly to the past, because we are sure about it. Even though we may not like our job or our lover or our apartment, we know what to expect. Our life may not thrill us that much, but at least we have settled into it. I have spent the past year waking up at 7:00am, chatting with the homeless man and security guard on the street and walking seven minutes to my job, talking to particular coworkers about their lives, coming home to my brother lying on his bed, going out on “almost dates” with almost exes, meeting with my producer and getting engaged in various family issues.
And now I want to change it all up. And the fear comes. Where will I find new friends? What job will I have? Should I move? Where to? Who’s gonna be my husband? What’s gonna happen with me? How am I gonna make a bunch of money and get out of debt? What about my scripts and books and songs? Are they ever gonna see the light of day? Am I ever gonna be normal and be all right? What about Love?
The future has no answers. It only sits there, out of reach and out of sight and taunts me. “Try and see,” It says…
And so I go to You, God. I can no longer afford to be weak or afraid. I can no longer afford to go crazy. I can no longer afford to be sick. Time is of the essence. I can no longer afford to be laying in the bed every day crying and stuff…
I close my eyes… Life above zero requires action and faith. Action because I have to actually DO stuff and faith because I have never known life above and I have to trust that there is this real place where one’s destiny is fulfilled. I have to trust in the possibility of Love and Happiness, otherwise I will get right back on that bed and get depressed.
I close my eyes… Highest of All High, I seek You. I listen and for once, I Obey. I seek Guidance and You say I already know the direction to go.
-I am on the right path, You say.
Is it You talking to me or is it my own voice?
-I am Your own voice, You say… The directions are clear. Now is the time for action. You are at the zero point, but poison lingers in your mind. Fear creeps in at times, clouding your judgement and inhibiting action.
– My prescription for you is action. You will find fear and past emotions taunting you all along the way. Do not repress them. Simply know that they are just fear and emotions, but they have no power over your action. Walk your path anyway, and soon you will find a wonderful companion. Faith that can not be broken. Soon and finally you will know that your life is a good life and your way is peaceful way and your heart is a pure heart. Oh, it is not far away from you now, Laydie. We are at the last leg of this journey. Know that Angels surround you. Know that people you don’t even know are rooting for you and praying for you. Know that even though you can not see the future, it is better than the present and the past, because We are finally starting at zero. And reach towards that which is better than the present and the past. Reach towards that which is good. Become that which is good. Give that which is good…
We are starting at one… Finally, we are starting at one.
Day 361
At One
Hey There.
Good morning. I’m in a bit of a mood today. When I go to the doctor, they never diagnose me with the stuff I think I have. In fact, they never hardly diagnose me with anything at all. I should be glad, but sometimes it makes me a bit discouraged, because I know I’m not functioning at my best, but no one can tell me what’s wrong with me.
Anyway. Good morning. How are you? I’m having a bit of a hard time breathing right now, but I’m going to write through it. I think it’s anxiety, but, you know… So.
Let me tell you what happened last night. Something magical. I had been in the house all day. I actually got some work done, applied for some opportunities, and did a bunch of praying and meditating. By the time sun had set, I was beginning to feel a bit claustrophobic. My brother had told me that he was going to spend the night out for work. He hardly ever spends the night out, so this was new. My Almost One had reappeared in my life, and I was supposed to meet up with him last night, so I was slightly excited.
So, before sun set, my brother left and it was such a weird feeling. The apartment was empty. I mean, I have been home without him on many occasions, but him being gone for the night made it feel like, he was… gone. Is this what it’s going to be like when he leaves, I thought. I suddenly felt very lonely. The house was dark except for my room, and I could feel the absence of his presence. I missed him… But then, after a couple of hours, I didn’t. I felt a freedom. I wanted to get out of my room and decorate. My space was my space again and there were no longer corners of the house that I couldn’t enter. I could invite anyone over if I wanted to, and I had mixed feelings about that, because there weren’t many people who I wanted to invite over… But I still. If I wanted to, I could.
My date with My Almost One was in about an hour, and so I texted him to make sure we’re still on. He had told me that he’d be in another city earlier that day and would be back by the evening. He texted me back “I’m still in such and such city,” it read. -_-
Such and such city is a four hour drive from Los Angeles. When did he plan on telling me that he was going to cancel? I couldn’t breathe. About two minutes later, I got a phone call from some number I didn’t recognize. It was this guy I had met at the grocery store earlier this week. I had only given him my number because he was really assertive and kind of causing a scene in the grocery store line. His eyes were blood shot red. His lips were really dark. After giving him my number, he proceeded to argue with the cashier at the store over something trivial and snatch his change out of her hand. I made a mental note that I was never going to answer his calls.
I have this fantasy in the back of my mind. One day Dream Lover will call me and apologize for telling me all the wonderful things he did and then disappearing into thin air. He will give me all of the money that he had promised to give me (which by now is enough for me to purchase a small condo by the beach) and we will part in peace. I know this is a ridiculous fantasy, but it’s not an outlandish thing to expect from Dream Lover. His life is a fantasy. And because I think that maybe, possibly, one day he might call from some unknown Cali number (especially when I know he’s in Cali), I return all missed Cali calls who don’t leave a message.
Last night I returned the call. And it was crazy grocery store man. He wanted to go for a walk. My brother was gone for the night and My Almost One had flaked on our date. I was feeling particularly lonely and so I told him I’d call him back…
And then God stepped in. My neighbor called. I had had some dishes to return to him and he was ready to get them back. I went over his house and immediately he knew that something was wrong. We talked. Or rather, I talked. He listened. He has never tried to hit on me. He has never tried to get anything from me. He has always been honest with me. His house feels comfortable and lived in. Peaceful. He told me about a new school that just opened up the street. He knows the principal, he said. They are looking for English teachers. I’m a certified English teacher… He doesn’t try and cheat on his girlfriend, even though she’s countries away.
He gives things. He is the opposite of the kind of man I’ve known most of my life. Most of them have been takers, only looking to see what they can get from a situation. And if they give to a woman, they only give because they want something from you. He’s a giver. And even though he’s not my man, he’s my friend. And that means a lot.
When I came home, I told grocery store man that I wasn’t going for a walk after all…
The new life beckons, but it is marked by the death of the old. I will not lie. These are frightening times. My brother is leaving, and although I feel the freedom and lightness of him being gone, I also realize that I may be home alone. We must be brave now.
I have always thought I was brave, but in reality I am only considered brave because I am not afraid of the things most people are afraid of. This scares me. The possibility of loneliness horrifies me. Let us stop believing that everything will be easy. No. This path is designed to shake you up to the core. I take a moment to breathe. I find the place in me that knows deep down that this is all worth it. This lonely time, this interim, this falling apart, is exactly what happens when you initiate a major life change. Do not be discouraged. Do not run back to the old life. You know that that life is no good for you anymore. Be brave and keep walking forward. Just keep walking and keep breathing. Be brave, ok? Be Brave…
Day 360
On Bravery
Good morning.
I haven’t been doing too well. Sorry. I’ve sat down and tried to write this blog several times over the past couple of weeks, only to write an entry, delete it, try again, and finally not post anything.
I’m going to post this one no matter how it comes out.
My whole man clean-up thing was intense. I had endeavored to scan my life and bring closure to any lingering relationships that involved men. You know, anyone who I thought we ended really bad or maybe I was sitting around waiting and hoping they’d come back in my life some day, or maybe I felt like they were waiting for me. I made a list of all the people I thought I hadn’t had closure with yet, and then people who I hadn’t spoken to in years started showing up in my life out of the blue.
My emotions were all over the place. I didn’t realize that I had had so many deep attachments to so many people. Furthermore, I didn’t realize that almost everyone who I called “friend” was some man secretly waiting for us to have a romantic relationship. The man clean-up was intense. After cleaning out all of my relationships, I was left with only one friend, someone who lives in another state. It left me feeling broken-hearted and full of sorrow and grief. It left me feeling so lonely because there was no one left. No one to fantasize about. No one to hope for and look forward to. It left me feeling… Everything.
And some days the feelings were so intense that it was difficult to get off the bed and go to work. At the same time, my managers at work lost their minds and they started doing things to blatantly harass me. I don’t know if I told you, but some months ago, the managers at my job tried to coerce me and get me to sign a letter admitting that I was involved in a work violation that I wasn’t involved in. Well, I didn’t sign the letter and in fact I told on them. I had to have many meetings with many people, and eventually my managers got in trouble…. Then they tried to get back at me. Their most recent retaliation was them making my vacation hours magically disappear with no explanation…
I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life, because I realized I was having a hard time getting life right and I wanted a second opinion. The psychiatrist said that I had an overload of stressors in many areas of my life and very little support. She recommended that I take three weeks off work and go to a group therapy class called work clinic. So… this is day four off work.
Sorry passes through my body. Grief attacks me in the middle of the night and on the train. Fear… Fear is everywhere. It’s debilitating. What will I do next? Where will I go? Where will I live? Will I make any new friends? Will this part of my life ever pass? I haven’t gotten used to it, you know. And when I sat across from the psychiatrist the other day, I realized that the majority of my life has been full of stress and striving and sorrow. I realized that there was and has always been some sort of chaos and drama in my family. I realized that generally speaking, I am always a support system for someone who is either not willing or not able to support me back. Everything that is happening now is nothing new. It is just an extreme culmination of everything that has been happening in my life for quite some time.
Except this time is different. It feels different. This time is not just another episode of depression and helplessness. This time there is some silver lining underneath everything that is happening. I have initiated the falling apart of my life, and as a result a sense of panic, anxiety and sorrow has ensued. But this time is different. This time, I am going to let everything fall apart and keep only the things that serve me moving forward. Because the truth is, I don’t want my job. I am completely underemployed and none of my skills or talents are being used at that job. The truth is, most of the relationships I had were draining at best. The truth is, the neighborhood I live in is full of pollution. The truth is, it time to have a different life.
Yesterday I was crippled by an overwhelming desire to give. Yes, I wanted to give. I wanted to show up as all that I am. And I will finally say it. I am pretty awesome. Yes, I am. I am pretty strong. And I’m pretty intuitive and caring. I am kind and smart and talented. I know how to lead stuff and see the root of things. I am beautiful on the inside. And, oh, I can Love. Oh, I have such a deep well of Love in me. And I am wise.
It scary. Letting go of the life you’ve known is downright frightening and I don’t recommend it for all people at all times. You will fall apart. It’s only common sense. You are asking to fall apart. You are asking for everything to be different and there will be an adjustment period where the new has not yet appeared and yet you realize that the old is gone. And you will be afraid. And maybe sad.
This is the time to call upon all that you are and all that you’ve known. This is the time to step into your own shoes. This is the time to bring out the strong stuff and the Love stuff and the faith stuff. This journey had not been in vain. You have learned things. You have gained courage. You have realized that even when you have not known how you would make it through a given day, you have made it through. Call upon the Love in you. Call upon the Peace in you. Call upon your Power and Strength. Let that that would fall apart pass through and fall. No need to pretend the breakdown isn’t happening. Just let it break. Let it go. It will pass through. Maybe you will cry or tremble or get a headache or whatever, but eventually it will pass through.
This time is about you being willing to let the fear and the sorrow and the grief pass. To let it all fall and then see what is left. You will still be here, and you will be neutral now, walking without the weight of the past, but with all of its lessons. And from this place, a place of serenity, a place of self awareness, a place of faith and strength, we build again. Yes, for the first time we walk towards the life we’ve always known is ours…
“May that which you seek come rushing to meet you.” -EH
Ameen.
Day 359
Falling Apart
So…
I wrote a completely different blog and then got a text message from a friend.
I had edited a friend’s poetry book a while ago. He’s a visual artist among other things. We had made an agreement that I was going to edit his poetry book and he was going to draw pictures for my children’s book.
Well, after I edited the book (and recommended the title that he is now using), he told me that he didn’t feel like drawing the pictures. He said he just wasn’t feeling it. I really Love his visual style and when I wrote my children’s book, I had imagined his pictures, so I was hurt and disappointed and angry. He said he was willing to pay me for the editing job, but I think I just cursed him out or something. That was years ago.
Fast forward to this year. I had found a new illustrator for my children’s book, but the new illustrator was having a creative block and wasn’t producing. In the years in between, my friend and I had gotten back on speaking terms, and I approached him about drawing pics again. Again, he said he wasn’t feeling it. And again he offered to pay me. This time I said yes and asked him to pay me. He said he would work something out. This was months ago.
Last week I had asked said friend to help out with my commercial shoot and he said no and yesterday I had asked said friend to spend time together so we could have a conversation and he said yes and then cancelled. Then this morning I went on Facebook and found out that said friend would now be putting the book I edited into bookstores. I was incredulous. So I sent him a text message asking him when he was going to pay me. He said soon, and then I asked him for a specific date.
Then he asked me for my address so he could mail me the money…
He lives fifteen minutes away from me.
-_-
More than being angry, I am hurt… I want to teach him a lesson, but I will pray for him instead. I will punch a wall instead of punching him in my thoughts, because the truth is, I Love him anyway.
It has been years since this particular person has been a friend to me, you hear me? Years. I have been sitting around hoping and waiting and giving and sharing and caring and thinking that one day, I would need him and he would come. Just for me. And I am hurt because I know that he never will.
And I am even more hurt because I knew this a long time ago and I kept him as a friend nonetheless. I am angry with myself for keeping such assholes in my inner circle for so long.
There is this thing that I’ve been trying to figure out for some time. How does one be nice and not get used? I have tried being mean and closed up and hard, and that works. Nobody uses you or takes advantage of you, but it hurts. Something in me hurts when I am so closed up. And I have tried just being nice and loving and then I get stupid friends like the one I spoke of or many of the guys I know who, because you are kind to them, seem to forget to notice that you exist as a person independent of their needs and wants and that you need kindness, too.
I am tired of hating men, you see. And I am tired of being mean. And I am tired of being nice and used.
And I know there must be a solution to it all. Here you have it: my epiphany for the day. To the nice people: Just don’t be friends with mean people. You can be nice to mean people, but don’t be friends with them.
Give them a dollar from a distance. Pray for them. Send them packets of Love and don’t expect anything back. Remember the good in them. See the good in them in spite of their meanness, but don’t expect them to be good to you or see the good in you.
They are mean people, remember? They are broken and bitter. Get a job where you help them if your heart has that compassion, but demand niceness when you go home. Demand consideration from the ones you bring close. Demand that they cook you soup and know your birthday. Demand that you can call on them when your car breaks down and you don’t always have to make an appointment when you are in need. Demand that they notice when there is pain in your voice or your hair is getting thin. Just demand niceness when it comes to the ones you bring close…
If you want to maintain niceness in a mean world and not become a bitter, broken, used-up soul, then you have to create a world of niceness where you can renew and remember. Where you can be yourself and be accepted. Where you can trust again. Where you know that you can turn around and no one will stab you in the back. At least at home. At least in your inner circle. It is so important.
If you demand niceness, and give niceness, the people in your life will change the way they treat you, or they will disappear.
My “friend” can disappear if he likes. He’s an asshole. I’m sure he will get back to being his lovely self one of these days. And he can come back around when he’s done being mean. I’ll send him prayers on the wind and gifts from afar until then. I’ll let him know that I Love him anyway, but you really can’t be my friend and treat me any old kind of way. It just won’t do. It just won’t do…
There is something wonderful about recognizing that you deserve kindness. You deserve kindness, ok? Life isn’t only supposed to be one-sided. You deserve kindness. You’re a good person. You just gotta ask for it. Give it first and ask for it… Ameen.
Day 358
The Nice People
