Beep beep. This one won’t be long. Had a marvelous, low-key day. Spent most of the time meditating, praying, stretching, reading… It was lovely. I love my book “Oneness”. I read it and reread it and every time I open it, there is something relevant.
Today, it spoke about the actualized dream already being here. But I don’t want to talk about that.
After being in the house almost all day long, I walked down the street to meet with my producer. After the meeting, I decided to hang out outside a bit and get some fresh air. I ended up having conversations with three different people: a lady and her three kids, a guy selling cell phone accessories, and a young dude on a skateboard who said I light up the street. As I was heading home, I ran right into my neighbor. He had decided to come outside and take a walk because he was frustrated. He asked if I’d walk with him, and so I did. We talked, went to the corner store, stopped at a concert in the park, and then I hung out with him for a few more minutes. He told me about his soon-to-be wife and I wasn’t mad. Only slightly envious that I don’t have a soon-to-be husband… I realized that I had let him go. I had let him free and that made me happy. I think it made him happy, too. I have a neighbor/friend. He called me a blessing before I left and thanked me for talking to him.
Later, I had a phone conversation with the most interesting of people. A new person that I’ve met who is doing phenomenal things in the world and builds a life out of helping other people do phenomenal things in the world. He wants to help me with my international initiative. Don’t ask me why.
I accept it, though. I’m not afraid today. I sat down on my prayer mat and found the place where I can accept good things. It’s a lovely place. I prayed for my body and I don’t know how or why, but it’s not hurting as much right now. I am looking for the places where there was pain just this morning, but the pain is gone.
I think that my life may have already changed. I think I am already changed. I think I am already on the other side of happy. I just need to accept it. Change comes. The change has already come. Accept it…
Ameen.
Day 347
Change Comes (Accept It)
The world is standing still tonight. And thoughts are rushing in. Home alone on purpose. Busy week ending. Activity decidedly down to zero. Thoughts rushing in.
Mr. President, New Boo… long list of goodbyes. Goodbyes. Goodbyes. So many goodbyes. Complaining not allowed. Sorrow not allowed yet present nonetheless. Oh, goodbyes and endings have never been my things.
Blog almost over. Goodbye. New thing, You say, but this has been my thing. This has been my place. This has been my way.
In this past week, more kind, strong, honest, handsome, eligible, available men have approached me than in my entire life combined. Yesterday I traveled across town on public transportation and saw a side of LA that I had forgotten long ago. I pass the same streets in a car often, but yesterday I took the train and saw what it was to walk on those streets. It’s a different world. Dusty, smelly, and harsh. I go down these streets often, but yesterday I walked them…
I think my life has been like that. I have been walking the dusty streets of life, engaging in all sorts of misery, when I could be cruising down those same streets, knowing they are there, but just not participating in that aspect of life unless I choose to. Life is like that, huh? We live amongst each other, but next door neighbors, lovers, siblings and housemates are experiencing such different variations on existence. Just yesterday I couldn’t find a man in sight. And now I’m hiding in my room because there are too many men coming my way. What changed? I am living in the same world, but my world is changing, Allah. And I have been too busy to think about all of this…
I have been too busy to think about what life would be like if there was no more yearning and chasing. What would life be like if the journey was over? If I had a good man already? If there was no more sadness for me to blog about? If my debts were paid and I had my dream job and my movies and books were made and the international project was in full swing? What would I do if there were no papers to sort looming over my head? If my room and apartment were decorated exactly like I want? Heck, what if I didn’t have an apartment? What if I had a house in a neighborhood I loved? And a family? If I finally got a plant? I can’t even fathom these things. Like, for real. Do you know that the thought of the fulfillment of my dreams makes me sad? This is important because if you can not even think about having what you have been searching for without having a negative emotional reaction, how do you expect that you will be able to stomach the fulfillment of your desires?
I admit. I have gotten used to this part of my life. I have gotten used to walking down the street to my government job in seven minutes. I have gotten used to not having a man and just hanging out with safe guys who adore me but don’t make me feel vulnerable. I have gotten used to always having an unfinished item on my “to-do” list, that way I can always feel like I have something to do. I’ve even gotten used to sharing my life on this blog instead of sharing it with another person, because this is easy. Nobody knows me here. No one can judge me or reject me or say they’re not interested. I get to feel connected and vulnerable and yet I’m safe from actually being hurt. My life has been safe for some time. Not thriving, not exciting, not exactly passionate, but safe. And all of that is ending. This blog and this journey are ending soon, but I have gotten used to them and I’ve never been really good at endings… Ay yay yay.
I’m going to do something I haven’t practiced in years. It used to come naturally to me, and then I grew up and learned to be a compartmentalized being. But just for this instance, I’m going to do this thing. I’m gonna try to get my mind and my heart and my spirit to agree on something. Change is here now, in spite of and because of ourselves. So, mind, can you agree to that? Yes, You say. Do you want to change? Yes, You say. Do you want to live? No, You say. Heart says no. Spirit says Yes. OK… We can start there.
So, mind and heart, if you don’t want to live, what do you want to do? Die? No, You say. You want to sit still. But how can We sit still and move forward at the same time? All parts agree that we can’t. So what shall we do? Mind is afraid. Heart is afraid. They don’t want to be disappointed anymore. Mind doesn’t want to be confused anymore. Heart doesn’t want to be broken. Body doesn’t want to be sick or hungry or tired. They are all afraid. This place we are now is not life, but at least it’s not death. At least we are safe here… So the problem is not that all parts of me don’t want to live, the problem is that we are afraid of what might happen if we try. So the issues we are dealing with here are fear and safety… Hmm… These are deep. I try to tell my mind that there is no safety in the world and my mind says, “Yes there is! Right here like you’re living now.” And my mind is right. I can not argue. My mind and heart are right. Here is safe and anything we haven’t experienced yet is unknown. We don’t know if it’s safe or not.
So what shall we do, Spirit? How can we move forward in life when the mind, body and heart have such a strong part and they are resisting you? What shall we do? … Ay yay yay… No answer.
Sit still, You say… Pray. “This isn’t real.” I hear the girl from the movie Divergent escape her mind maze. “This isn’t real.” My mind agrees. My heart agrees. My body agrees. Oh, my God. This isn’t real… Oh My God… My mind is excited. I’m on to something. My life is a system of programs re-enacting themselves. All of my experiences were real, but the programs left by them aren’t. This isn’t real. This fear is just a program and yes, I can let go of it. Deactivate it. Write a new program… But how?
Defer to Spirit, You say. My hands are clapping. My head is nodding. We are in agreement again. But how? What does “defer to Spirit” mean? Mind can not grasp it, but body feels an opening in head and womb… Hmm…
When the fear comes in, recognize that it is not real and then ask what is real. Wait until your body, mind, heart and Spirit have an answer that they all agree upon. And then act upon the Guidance received. Do you see how the fear has dissolved already? This is a token for You, Laydie. A tool as We near the end of this journey. Yes, the end of stagnation and the beginning of moving forward…
Ameen.
Day 346
A Way Around Fear. Alignment of All Parts.
Good morning World,
I’m practicing this discipline thing. I woke up before sunrise today, said my prayers and stretched. I still feel like I need to go a little deeper and meditate, but I’ll do that in a minute after I put my clothes in the washer…
So many things happen in a day. I started to write a double blog yesterday just because so much happened before I got home. Yesterday I practiced compassion and faith and I experienced grace. Right now I am practicing not complaining. My body is doing what I thought it would do once I decide to commit to change. It’s tripping. After a long hiatus and months of being sick and in pain, I just started exercising this week. Nothing too strenuous. Stretches, an easy run, and one Zumba class. But my body is much weaker than it used to be and hardly as flexible. I can feel the stuck parts stretching and the weak parts getting stronger. And of course some of it isn’t comfortable.
Yesterday, I was going to fire the illustrator for my children’s book. Suffice it to say that he wasn’t do a good job, he was missing deadlines, and he wasn’t communicating with me. On my way to meet him, I got pulled over by a cop. My car registration was expired. Not only that, but I had a whole lot of other issues surrounding my car. The officer told me that he had every right to impound my car, arrest me, and give me several tickets due to my driving status. He didn’t impound my car, though. He didn’t arrest me. He gave me a fix-it ticket and one other ticket and told me to fix my car situation because the next officer might not be so nice. “I don’t need to add to your problems,” he said. His name was Officer Mott. God Bless him. Thank you.
When I met with my artist, he was happy to see me. He’s shy and quiet and quite eccentric like most fine artists. He always shakes my hand when we meet and it’s so awkward. He shook my hand again and we talked. I told him how disappointed I was with everything. I had sought him out because I know the kind of work he does, but the work he had done for me looks nothing like the work he usually does. He agreed. He admitted that he had had a block and couldn’t visualize the pictures for the book, so he was just trying to come up with something. He was so apologetic that I didn’t know what to do with him. “I know I can get there,” he said. He told me that he had been going through a lot since we had agreed to work together. He’s an older guy. Probably in his 50’s. He said it was nothing serious like jail or hospital, but he had just been going through things in his personal life. When we first met, I remember seeing a post on his Facebook about being with someone he loved. It was only one post and then there was nothing else months afterwards… I imagine someone must have broken his heart. That will give a sensitive artist soul a life block.
My artist is one of those people who had a blooming career but then something happened. When he was my age, he ran the art department of a major motion picture studio. Then something happened. Now he is a struggling artist that draws sketches at coffee shops and does projects for strangers like me. He needs money more than I do. I wasn’t gonna’ pay him the full balance of his money. I was gonna tell him, “You didn’t do this, that and the other, so I’m not gonna’ pay you everything.” But as I was sitting across the table from him, something happened. I felt connected. I felt like he was me. He was not the enemy. He was me. He was a human being blessed and cursed with a sensitive soul trying very hard to navigate a world of money and deadlines that made very little sense to him. He was a real sweetheart, and a talented sweetheart at that. I gave him the money, but I told him that I was disappointed with the product and explained to him why. I told him that I was just going to find another artist to draw the pics, and then he asked me if I could please let him finish them. “I know I can get there,” he said. He wanted to finish them. “Sure,” I said… I don’t know if he’s actually ever going to finish them. I’ll give him until August and then I’ll figure something else out, because I need the pics by September. Whether he finishes it isn’t the point, though. The point is I practiced compassion. I actually saw myself in another person.
You may think I’m a sucker, or he may think I’m a sucker. That police officer that let me go may feel like he got slighted by another scheming woman trying to evade the law. But I’m starting to have a different opinion about suckers. I think the real suckers are the ones who don’t recognize when they are being blessed. I think the real suckers are the people who continue to walk around the Earth trying to “get over” on everyone. It just doesn’t work. The sh*t hits the fan eventually. I’m glad the police officer stopped me and gave me a real reason to pay off all my debt immediately. I’m glad that I woke up early this morning and was able to do some stretches and pray and move my body around. I don’t know how I’m going to get all the money I need to pay the ticket off, but I’m even glad that I have a real reason to think about how to generate more income and use my skills now. I’m glad that I’m not as afraid of change today as I was yesterday. And I’m glad to feel connected to my fellow human beings again. Thank you, God, for one day of Life… Thank you so much. Ameen.
Day 345
This Human Thing
Time will not stand still for me.
This one will be short. I already know what I’m going to write about discipline. I’m not going to complain today. I have about twenty days.
When I finally finished writing the script that’s being produced right now, I was working a very stressful full-time job. My therapist frined put me on a schedule. I had an alarm clock on my phone and I had to write for a certain amount of time at a certain time every day and have an agenda for my writing until I finished. And I finally finished. I’m going to do that now.
I have twenty-one days until this is over and if I keep moping around and don’t come up with a game plan, it’s not going to happen. I’m just gonna be stuck in the muck forever and writing about my sad life years from now. So here’s the plan. I wish I could call in to work today, but I don’t have a lot of hours and my cool supervisor is gone now and the new one does everything by the book. So I’ll go to work today.
At work, I’ll just work and catch up on the work I need to do. No lallygaggling around. After work, though, no social stuff. This is a me day. This is a set my house in order day. I’m gonna come home and set my house in order. There are a lot of things that need to be done. I’ve been sinking and I’ve decided that I want to live and so I have to swim now. But I can’t just be over here flailing around. I have to be intentional about stuff. Eventually I will fly, but for now, for this last part, for this alive part, I am building my muscles again. I am coming back to the world with all the things I’ve been learning and learning how to implement the things that you learn when you’re sitting alone in a room by yourself praying and meditating and reading books out in the world.
I am learning how to live outside of my comfort zone. Sensitive control-freaks lose their minds here. Things hardly go as planned and all sorts of surprises come up. This man-releasing thing has been kicking my emotional butt. The attachments were deep. This is what I’ve learned about healing and progress, though. Nothing works like exercising every day. Nothing works like having a plan to eat better every day. Nothing works like touching the grass and smelling fresh air every day. Nothing works like taking time about to pray and journal every day. Nothing works like washing dishes and keeping your room and your space clean every day. Nothing works like taking some action towards some goal every single day. Nothing works like consistency and discipline.
This is where I will start today. And I’ll add another layer on to it. I’m not gonna complain. I have 21 days to go through all the challenges that are surely going to happen once I commit to doing life a lot different than I’ve been doing in months. I know it will be challenging. I know I’m gonna cry and get all confused and disoriented and there may be some major or minor dramas in the next few weeks. I know the men are gonna come at me with propositions and things I can’t even fathom. I know my job or my body might act a fool. My family might say something hurtful. I know someone from my past might show up and hug me and I might have a nervous breakdown. All of these fears are daunting but avoiding them does not make them disappear. I am hoping and praying that if I face down all of the issues in my life, then they will finally cease existing and having so much power over me. And so I’m going to face them.
I’m going to transform. I’ve been doing this transformation slowly for some time, but now I’m going to up the game. I am willing, Allah, to change, transform and blossom. I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I want to Live! And I step forward in life confident that You are on my side, confident that everything I’m doing will be worth it. I look at how far I’ve come. I look at how my relationships have changed for the better already. I look at my forehead and see how the frown lines are disappearing. I recognize that where there is God’s will there is a way, and so I go out in the world today confident that You will take me through to this other side of happy that I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I put my mind to rest and start my day. And so it is…
Day 344
This Discipline Thing
Hi there.
How are you? I’m ok. Sitting at home slightly terrified of change. There’s a workshop that I really wanted to go to but I can’t because I’m so full and I need to release stuff so I can be open…
I’ve been breaking up with folks. I know, you’re like, “How is this girl always breaking up with someone, yet she never claims to have a man?” I haven’t been in a committed relationship in about two years, but I have so many energetic ties with so many people, and I’m not just talking about romantic ties. Resentments, debts, un-fonrgiveness, words that need to be spoken, acts that need to be done.
I’ve been focusing on men who have crossed my path because I want to prepare for a husband, but it’s been harder to let go of the past than I anticipated. And I’m scared to keep going now. My body reacts to everything, and I can’t be walking around with my legs shaking and having anxiety attacks and crying and stuff. Yesterday I let go of three people. I didn’t plan it that way. It kind of just happened. I’m serious this stuff really happens to me. Two people from my past just happened to contact me wanting to spend some time. When I spent time with them, each of them separately told me how much they want to be with me and only me. One of the guys says that I’m his Godsend. He really believes that I’m the woman he’s been waiting for all these years… The other guy isn’t really into spirituality. He’s just not into change. I dated him six years ago and he cheated on me. He’s been trying to get back together ever since and refuses to open himself to anyone new… The third guy that I cut ties with is Mr. Producer. I didn’t really tell him I was cutting ties, because he doesn’t answer my phone calls. But I was praying and he came to my mind really strong. I had the sudden urge to hold him, and so I sent him a text asking him how he’s doing. He didn’t respond, as has been his pattern for the past year or so. And so I sent him another text telling him that I was just praying and he came to mind and I had the urge to hold him and I hope he’s ok.
And then I cried like a baby. Don’t ask me why I cried because I don’t even know. I think it was because I remembered the brief, yet soulfully enlivening interaction that we had. I only hung out with him twice, and saw him a few events some other times… talked to him on the phone a few times. But each time, it was magic. He was so easy and fun to be around. And we talked about deep stuff. And he was so brilliant and funny. I felt like running around and doing jumping jacks every time I left his presence, and I’m not delusional when it comes to men (maybe about other things). I could tell that he felt enlivened as well… I thought at the very leas that we would become very good friends. He felt like a brother to me… So familiar. But the last time we hung, I think I went too deep. He allowed me to do an experiment on him, and I was able to connect with him on a very deep level. When the experiment was over, he was horrified. And he withdrew… And last night I realized that he and I will never be good friends. It seems so unnatural. Because we ARE good friends. How could we not be good friends?
There is so much I don’t understand. How can all these dudes from my past be so in love with me and think that God sent them to me, etc, etc and yet I don’t feel that way about them. And how could I have all these deep connections with all these other guys and have visions of certain ones being my husband or my good friend or whatever and then they don’t want those things with me? And how come, God, whether we want the same things with each other or not, all parties feel these deep connections?
What is really going on? I don’t have any answers. I only know that I have to let go of these attachments. Our wills are not in alignment and we pull at each other. It’s no good for anyone when someone wants something from you that you are not willing to give. I gave up the idea of Mr. Producer being my friend or my husband or my anything and it was hard. I told two very sweet men that there was nothing they could do. No matter what, we are never ever ever getting together. Or getting back together. And I know how they feel. They don’t understand how they could want me and I not want them. Just like I don’t understand why I’m not going to marry Mr. Producer or Mr. Almost Famous or Dream Lover. Just like I don’t know why Mr. President ran away from me instead of running towards me…
You will not believe what just happened. Literally. As I’m typing this blog, Mr. Producer just responded to my text. God, just when I think I have a bit of a grasp on what’s going on, You flip the script. Wow. He thanked me for checking on him and says he hopes I’m well…
You, Dear Lord, are full of surprises. I’m not going to make Mr. Producer’s text any more than it is. There is so much going on in the world. Who knows why anyone does anything they do.
Restructuring your life from scratch is no easy task. There is no guide book with your name on it that says, “Laydie. This is what you should specifically do at every given moment after every given situation.” Like Nina Simone said, other people will try and tell you how to do each and every little thing, but in truth, you are the one who has the final say on what to do and not to do in your own life. You are the only one who will answer for your life.
So as we are building a life on the other side of happy, after being in the darkness for so long and having no clue about how to maintain anything good, it is important to figure out how you will know what to do. Because things get tricky. Fear gets in the way. You know that you need to let go of certain attachments, but you will become horrified of being alone. And your logical mind will say, “You know, it’s just easier to stick with what you know. This isn’t so bad.” But your spirit will know that what you are trying to let go of is bad for you. But when you let go, it may hurt and then you will want to run somewhere safe because you don’t want to hurt. And then you will need a guide. You will need something steady to tell you if you are supposed to hold on or let go. If you are supposed to sit still or move. If you are supposed to go out to an event or sit at home and pray.
I don’t have the answer for you. For me, I am building one brick at a time. I cannot believe that we were just put in this world to wander without Guidance and so I choose to believe that for every question, there is an answer. I start at the very beginning of this new life that I am building. As I am crying through this sweet, sweet, painful, draining, detoxifying release, I practice trust. I practice knowing what I know. If nothing else, I know that a clean-up of my heart and soul is necessary. And so I clean-up in spite of my fear.
Thank you for that text message God. I will keep coming to You and asking questions about how I should live. Thank you…
Day 343
If You Want To Know The Answers (Ask The Questions)
Hi there.
I went to sleep at seven last night and didn’t wake up till seven this morning.
I’m rested. Kind of want to call in for work, but it’s my favorite supervisor’s last day today, so I’ll go so I can say goodbye to him. He looks like a big gummy bear and I’m gonna miss his smile and all the funny expressions he has on his face. He always lets me come in late, let’s me make up time out by working during lunch instead of putting it on my schedule, sticks up for me if someone tries to do something unfair, and generally just leaves me alone and is nice to me… I want to give him a big ol’ hug.
The new supervisor is nice, but he’s not that bright…
Good morning world. I spoke with my brother the other night. We stayed up ’till two in the morning talking. After it was all said and done, I gave a firm move-out date, told him he needs to contribute a certain amount of rent until then, and told him everything that he had done that was bothersome to me and the rest of my siblings over all these years. I was so afraid to talk to him because I thought we might get into a big ol’ fight, and at one point we were starting to fight. We were talking about religion and it started to get heated. Our fight was interrupted by a family conference call that had been previously scheduled. I went to the room for the call so that our phones didn’t interrupt each other.
After the conference call, I was still enraged. I didn’t realize I had had so much anger in me. I stayed in my room with my hands and lips trembling and I decided to pray. I couldn’t focus on the prayer, though. I was trying to say prayer words, but thoughts of my brother kept bombarding my brain. And so I decided that I was going to stay there and pray until I could hear the prayer. It took me about an hour and a half. I stayed on the prayer mat until the prayer words drowned out thoughts of my brother, and then I started to pray. I thought about what I really wanted to accomplish, and my thoughts went back to this Native American woman who had led a sweat lodge I had attended once. She was talking about women and she said that women are the ones who anchor peace in the house. She said that in their culture, if someone comes to your house, you are not allowed to turn them away. But people may come into your house with all kinds of problems and all kinds of demons. It us up to the woman to anchor peace in the house, but you can not have peace in your house if you don’t have peace in yourself.
I prayed for peace in myself, but I was so angry. So I asked God if he would come through and manifest as peace. If He would talk through me and be my ears and my hands and feet. If He would speak through my mouth. I stayed on the prayer mat until I felt like it was possible for me to be peaceful. And then I could speak my intention. I wanted to anchor peace and love in my household. I wanted to anchor peace and love in my life. I wanted to stand up in a queenly way and be a Queen this time. No matter what happens, I said to myself, I will be Peaceful and Loving. No matter what my brother comes with, I will not throw arrows. I will throw Love, and even if it lands at his feet, I will put it out there so that it’s there for him to pick up if ever he wants to. I will wish the best for my brother just like I wish the best for myself. For in truth, he is myself. I will see my brother as myself. Connected. A human being. An extension of my humanity. And I will anchor peace and love for him, too. For in truth, we all want Peace and Love, no matter how disconnected we have become.
And so I prayed for my brother, too. I prayed that the highest possible good that we can give to each other be given that night. I prayed for peace and love for my brother. “You want to talk some more?” he said when I stepped out of the room. “Yes,” I said. “We didn’t finish.” And so we talked until we were finished. This time it wasn’t an argument. It was two people trying to understand each other. It was a brother and sister who had been warring for years making a peace treaty. There was Love in the air. This time I understood him, I think it’s possible that he just might have understood me. At the end of our talk I was going to the kitchen and he said, “Hey thanks. Thanks for talking to me.”
My head doesn’t hurt anymore. I was nearing my hair loss threshold, and so I’m glad I didn’t cross over. I set a tone for peace and love in the household. I explained to my brother that a certain type of behavior would no longer be accepted in my presence. We talked. My brother barely even remembered how he had ignored me years ago as a teenager and traumatized me for life. He was barely even aware of the ways he had hurt so many people…
Here I am. I had invited a man into my house, my brother, who represents all the things I had hated about men. And I had managed to confront one of my biggest demons. I have managed to release all of my anger towards men. Well, maybe there’s a little residual anger left, but most of it is gone. I managed to love anyway and truly forgive and find compassion in my heart. I get to have my brother back for the next few months. I haven’t had my brother in over ten years. I’d missed him… Now that my issues with men are done, maybe I’ll be able to find a husband. What do you think?
Have a good day, y’all.
xo
Laydie.
Day 342
Loving Confrontations
This is unbelievable. Good morning World.
The storm is ending. My emotions are settling. The pain and the hatred towards men is leaving. Last night, I actually took a hiatus from worrying about men. It wasn’t on purpose. I just had a lot of work to do on a tight deadline. So I spend the majority of the evening working really hard on an application. I had to write several essays about why I want to do what I want to do with my life and who I am.
I enjoyed working. My brother and I were scheduled to have a “talk”. He was softer yesterday. Nicer. He thinks I’m going to dump him. He’s funny like that. Intuitive like me. I’m not going to dump him, though. I’m just going to dump our dynamic once and for all. He just doesn’t get to be in my presence and be mean to me or my darling little sisters anymore. He doesn’t get to make us feel trapped and evil and unworthy of love any more. He has to love us or he must go. Of course I will always love him. But from a distance.
Good morning World. I broke up with Mr. President yesterday, too. Well, I was never really with him, but he had been the focus of my awareness for the past few weeks, waking up all sorts of feeling in me. The feelings are fading. Passion is a memory. The truth of the matter is, someone’s husband is trying to cheat on his wife with me. It is going to take a while before he becomes brave enough to be trustworthy, but he will get there. I know he will. I know that he didn’t just reappear in my life for nothing. And I know that we are both already changed for the better because of our brief re-encounter.
Love is out there, huh God? Love is real. It works wonders. Mr. Almost Famous came to me in my prayers last night. Bless his beautiful soul. Thank you, Allah, for showing me what integrity looks like in the form of a man. Thank you for letting me know that good men who keep their word and don’t hurt you exist. Thank you. He always comes to me in dreams, in real life, in visions, and nudges me. He tells me everything is going to be all right and I believe him. I believe him. He tells me that my life is a good life and he stands on the side lines and watches me like a man. Like a brother. Like a father. Like a Lover. He doesn’t interfere. He tells me that I can do it on my own. He knows I can do it on my own. But just in case I fall and really really need some help, he lets me know that he’ll be there. And he’s always there. He always answers my call. He never ignores me and he never lies to me and last night he came to me in a prayer and he told me that I’m doing good. And he told me that everything is going to be all right and I believe him because he doesn’t lie… He is a true friend.
I have to get ready for work, but I just want to say that this closure thing is a good thing. It makes space. It cleans the air so that things can flow more smoothly. It unearths all the bitterness and pain and anger in you so that it can come out and stop blocking all the good from flowing smoothly. It reminds you of who you really are. Or maybe it helps you to think about who you really are for the first time. It takes your heart and twists it and drains it and rings it out. And when the process is done, you realize that all the parts of you have finally come home. Your heart can beat again…
Day 340
On Completions (Making Space)
Hi there.
Mozart died at 37. A friend of mine just sent me that text.
I’m tripping. I’m not super tripping, because at least I can step back and see that I’m tripping, but
I’m tripping nonetheless.
At my spiritual center, they said that when you feel like you can’t do something, then ask God to do it through you. So God, I’m asking you to bring peace through me, because I’m not feeling peaceful.
I’m asking you to bring peace through me. I’m asking you to bring peace through me. I’ve been angry for a while here. I was just trying to read my book, but I can’t concentrate because I’m so angry… I’m mad at my brother. He did a little thing, but it was a big deal, because he’s been doing this little thing for more than half our lives now. He ignored me. I sent him a text about a sensitive subject matter and he just ignored me. Then when he came home he acted like nothing had happened.
I’m so mad at men these days. I had all these thoughts of doing all this bad stuff to him until he says sorry for everything. And then I saw him in the kitchen this morning. Clueless. He’s not even aware of half of the ways he hurts so many people. And if I made him aware, he’s not grown up enough to say sorry.
So what am I gonna do? Forgive him. That is where the saying comes from. Forgive them Father for they know not what they do. Forgive us. I guess if we knew any better we would recognize that it’s in all of our best interests just to be open and honest and kind to each other. Sometimes it’s so hard, though. We have ventured so far away… It’s so hard not to just punch my brother in the face when he does some of things he does. I’m so angry with him, Allah. I’m still angry. And hurt.
He just abandons us. Disappears. He’s our big brother and we don’t have a father, and he just throws us away every time. Doesn’t even talk to us. Doesn’t even sit down with us to see what’s going on. And then he wants to ask us for sh*t. And we have to ask other men to help us with man stuff… I’m so mad. We put up with it. Nobody says anything. Everyone is scared of his disapproval. Everyone just wants him to love us and so we keep quiet. We are his biggest cheerleaders when he does anything good and he treats us like nonentities…
This is my issue, You say. This is my issue with Muse and Voodoo Man and My Almost One. This is the closure I’ve been seeking. What is it, God? What do I need to learn here? These dudes. I Love them so much and they don’t see it. They don’t allow for it. They have love repellant all over them. And they treat me like shit on purpose. And deep down, we both know that they love me, too. In fact, they talk to other people about how great I am and all this stuff, but they will never even give me a kind word.
I’d like to learn what I’m supposed to learn here. Love anyway, You say.
Ugh. Seriously? Love anyway? That is so hard. It’s so hard to give to someone when they’re not giving to you. How can I do it? I’m mad at him. I feel like he just takes advantage of people and I’m encouraging and enabling it.
– No one said let him take advantage of you. No one said encourage abuse. But you don’t have to hurt them just because they are hurting you. You don’t have to “show them” or “teach them”. They will learn the lessons they need to learn in their own time. Your lesson is to love anyway.
In your work to come, there will be those that you love who hate you only because you love so much. Only because you have escaped the prison of hate that they are trapped in. They will try to prove to themselves and to you that love doesn’t work, and there may be challenges.
Your job, your lesson, Laydie, is to love anyway. Be firm. Be strong. Set a standard for Love and vibrancy in Your life. Tell the truth. But do it with Love. Do not intend to hurt them. Do not intend to punish them. Do not intend to punish yourself. Intend to Love. Yourself and the ones you interact with.
This is your heart’s deepest desire anyway. This is really why you are so angry with your brother. Because he is messing with your intention to love. You are angry because he is inciting anger in you when you wanted to love him. And, yes, you wanted him to love you, too. You wanted them to love you, too, but everyone is not able to do what you want when you want it. Everyone is not willing. Leave them to Me… Leave life to unfold as it will. You just do your part.
You know you’ve got this Love thing on lock. You do your part. You can kiss Muse and Almost Love and Voodoo Man goodbye now. You can part ways with your brother in peace now. They have unearthed all the anger in you around this issue of abandonment. You have learned how to express your need to be cherished and loved. You have learned to accept your need fulfilled. Good job. You have learned to ask and receive. And you are learning how to give what is in your heart to give anyway. Let the blessings fall at their feet if it may. Let the blessings only scratch the surface of their ears if it must.
They will hear in their own time. They will pick up love when they are ready. Maybe not in this lifetime. They may never say thank you. They may never say sorry, but you, my dear, will sleep in peace if you follow through with what has been put in you to do. You love anyway, you hear?
Day 339
Love Anyway
Good morning World,
It’s July 4th. Independence Day. A day off of work. I wrote a blog and now I’m starting over. It’s like sometimes, I need to do a warm-up writing to get all the surface things off of my mind, and then I can go a little deeper.
I don’t know what the future holds. I got a notice about the job I was waiting to hear from. I scored high on the test, but not high enough to guarantee that I’ll be called for an interview. So now I just have to wait and see. I thought that job was a guarantee and when I got it, I was going to quit my current job, go on summer break until September, and then start the new job and September. But now that I don’t know if the new job is happening, I don’t know if summer break is happening. And that’s discouraging. The last time I didn’t have a summer break was in 1999, when my dad died. I worked all summer so I could pay for school, because our family’s extra money had gone to paying for my dad’s funeral.
But since the year 2000, I have always had a summer break. And I have used those breaks to travel, fall in love, learn stuff, develop skills, go to camps, be out in nature, teach stuff, and create and strengthen bonds with family and friends. I know I’m spoiled. Summer breaks are luxury. And how did a poor girl like me start feeling entitled to such a way of life? I don’t know.
I have always felt entitled to life, though. When I was a little girl, my mom was a babysitter and housekeeper. I used to go with her to work sometimes. The people she worked for had a really nice house. When the dad would come home, I would be sitting on the bar stool at his kitchen. My mom would be looking at me all nervous, like I was supposed to get down. I’m glad she never told me to get down. Anyway, one day the dad came home and he was just pacing around looking mad. My mom was pretending to clean something. The dad came up to me. “Do you want a Coke?” he asked. “Yes, please,” I answered. He was incredulous, but he got one of his fancy glasses with the thick glass, put some ice from the automatic ice-maker in it, put a coaster on the counter, and served me a Coke. I was too young to realize that he was being passive-aggresive and was trying to tell me to get off his counter and clean something. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing wrong with me sitting at his counter and being served a Coke by him. It was common manners when someone is at your house! When we got in the car, my mom told me that I have some nerve! I’m glad she never said that I wasn’t supposed to sit at the counter and be served by a rich man. I’m glad she never said that good things were too good for me. My mom’s a very honest person, and I’m glad that she always believed that her kids deserved the best in life. Even though we were poor, she never thought that anything was too good for us.
And so here I am. An entitled poor woman. I still think I’m supposed to be sitting at a counter somewhere in a big clean house being served. I still think I’m supposed to go on summer excursions where I work on heal the world projects or learn stuff or teach stuff or smell fresh trees. I still think that my life is supposed to be drastically different than it looks now.
Sometimes I think that this has just been a stopping point. At my sister’s college, most of the kids were rich and privileged. and so they had a class called “Suffering.” In it, they learned about suffering and they had to pretend they were poor, etc. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been in a real life class on suffering for the past few years. Yes, I have learned a lot and it was a very important class. I have become kind and compassionate and all that good stuff that you become when you can’t be anything else. I have realized the value of niceness and Love. Love is so underrated. I have come to appreciate companionship and learned about creating an environment instead of letting an environment create you. I have even come closer to God in a real way. I’m glad I took this class on suffer, but I smell caviar in the distance.
This class is coming to an end.
STAND UP! I hear Your voice booming. STAND UP, You say. Step into your life now. There’s nothing wrong with not being poor. Poor people always look at rich people like they don’t know anything about life. As a poor person, I know about the secret agreements we make. We don’t hang with those bougie people. We always have to talk some kind of slang so that other poor folks know that we don’t think we’re better than them. We don’t dress too fancy because we don’t want others to feel bad. It’s so funny. Because all of our lives we have been working towards being wealthy and successful and happy, but we are ashamed of it. We are ashamed of living a life of fulfillment. We think we will lose friends and people won’t like us, etc. etc.
You know what though? It’s a new day for me. “Are you willing to be so successful that people hate you without knowing you?” he said at my spiritual center. Yes. Yes, God, I am. I don’t need or want people to hate me, but I’m willing to close this chapter on suffering, no matter what the consequences. I’m willing to stand up and step into my own shoes. I’m just not interested in suffering any more. I’m not interested in abuse anymore. I’m not interested in meanness anymore. No. I’m just not interested any more. Yes, I am willing to have good things. Yes, I am willing to be good things. I have work to do in this world and things to experience. Yes, Allah, I can finally say it and mean it. I AM WILLING TO LIVE! OH MY GOD, YES, I AM CHOOSING TO LIVE! I am choosing to stand up now and step into my own shoes. The thought doesn’t scare me anymore. It means the time is finally here. I am willing to live! I am willing to live! I choose to live… I am embracing the end of suffering… Ameen.
Day 338
The End Of Suffering
