Hi there.
How are you? I’m ok. Sitting at home slightly terrified of change. There’s a workshop that I really wanted to go to but I can’t because I’m so full and I need to release stuff so I can be open…
I’ve been breaking up with folks. I know, you’re like, “How is this girl always breaking up with someone, yet she never claims to have a man?” I haven’t been in a committed relationship in about two years, but I have so many energetic ties with so many people, and I’m not just talking about romantic ties. Resentments, debts, un-fonrgiveness, words that need to be spoken, acts that need to be done.
I’ve been focusing on men who have crossed my path because I want to prepare for a husband, but it’s been harder to let go of the past than I anticipated. And I’m scared to keep going now. My body reacts to everything, and I can’t be walking around with my legs shaking and having anxiety attacks and crying and stuff. Yesterday I let go of three people. I didn’t plan it that way. It kind of just happened. I’m serious this stuff really happens to me. Two people from my past just happened to contact me wanting to spend some time. When I spent time with them, each of them separately told me how much they want to be with me and only me. One of the guys says that I’m his Godsend. He really believes that I’m the woman he’s been waiting for all these years… The other guy isn’t really into spirituality. He’s just not into change. I dated him six years ago and he cheated on me. He’s been trying to get back together ever since and refuses to open himself to anyone new… The third guy that I cut ties with is Mr. Producer. I didn’t really tell him I was cutting ties, because he doesn’t answer my phone calls. But I was praying and he came to my mind really strong. I had the sudden urge to hold him, and so I sent him a text asking him how he’s doing. He didn’t respond, as has been his pattern for the past year or so. And so I sent him another text telling him that I was just praying and he came to mind and I had the urge to hold him and I hope he’s ok.
And then I cried like a baby. Don’t ask me why I cried because I don’t even know. I think it was because I remembered the brief, yet soulfully enlivening interaction that we had. I only hung out with him twice, and saw him a few events some other times… talked to him on the phone a few times. But each time, it was magic. He was so easy and fun to be around. And we talked about deep stuff. And he was so brilliant and funny. I felt like running around and doing jumping jacks every time I left his presence, and I’m not delusional when it comes to men (maybe about other things). I could tell that he felt enlivened as well… I thought at the very leas that we would become very good friends. He felt like a brother to me… So familiar. But the last time we hung, I think I went too deep. He allowed me to do an experiment on him, and I was able to connect with him on a very deep level. When the experiment was over, he was horrified. And he withdrew… And last night I realized that he and I will never be good friends. It seems so unnatural. Because we ARE good friends. How could we not be good friends?
There is so much I don’t understand. How can all these dudes from my past be so in love with me and think that God sent them to me, etc, etc and yet I don’t feel that way about them. And how could I have all these deep connections with all these other guys and have visions of certain ones being my husband or my good friend or whatever and then they don’t want those things with me? And how come, God, whether we want the same things with each other or not, all parties feel these deep connections?
What is really going on? I don’t have any answers. I only know that I have to let go of these attachments. Our wills are not in alignment and we pull at each other. It’s no good for anyone when someone wants something from you that you are not willing to give. I gave up the idea of Mr. Producer being my friend or my husband or my anything and it was hard. I told two very sweet men that there was nothing they could do. No matter what, we are never ever ever getting together. Or getting back together. And I know how they feel. They don’t understand how they could want me and I not want them. Just like I don’t understand why I’m not going to marry Mr. Producer or Mr. Almost Famous or Dream Lover. Just like I don’t know why Mr. President ran away from me instead of running towards me…
You will not believe what just happened. Literally. As I’m typing this blog, Mr. Producer just responded to my text. God, just when I think I have a bit of a grasp on what’s going on, You flip the script. Wow. He thanked me for checking on him and says he hopes I’m well…
You, Dear Lord, are full of surprises. I’m not going to make Mr. Producer’s text any more than it is. There is so much going on in the world. Who knows why anyone does anything they do.
Restructuring your life from scratch is no easy task. There is no guide book with your name on it that says, “Laydie. This is what you should specifically do at every given moment after every given situation.” Like Nina Simone said, other people will try and tell you how to do each and every little thing, but in truth, you are the one who has the final say on what to do and not to do in your own life. You are the only one who will answer for your life.
So as we are building a life on the other side of happy, after being in the darkness for so long and having no clue about how to maintain anything good, it is important to figure out how you will know what to do. Because things get tricky. Fear gets in the way. You know that you need to let go of certain attachments, but you will become horrified of being alone. And your logical mind will say, “You know, it’s just easier to stick with what you know. This isn’t so bad.” But your spirit will know that what you are trying to let go of is bad for you. But when you let go, it may hurt and then you will want to run somewhere safe because you don’t want to hurt. And then you will need a guide. You will need something steady to tell you if you are supposed to hold on or let go. If you are supposed to sit still or move. If you are supposed to go out to an event or sit at home and pray.
I don’t have the answer for you. For me, I am building one brick at a time. I cannot believe that we were just put in this world to wander without Guidance and so I choose to believe that for every question, there is an answer. I start at the very beginning of this new life that I am building. As I am crying through this sweet, sweet, painful, draining, detoxifying release, I practice trust. I practice knowing what I know. If nothing else, I know that a clean-up of my heart and soul is necessary. And so I clean-up in spite of my fear.
Thank you for that text message God. I will keep coming to You and asking questions about how I should live. Thank you…
Day 343
If You Want To Know The Answers (Ask The Questions)
Hi there.
I went to sleep at seven last night and didn’t wake up till seven this morning.
I’m rested. Kind of want to call in for work, but it’s my favorite supervisor’s last day today, so I’ll go so I can say goodbye to him. He looks like a big gummy bear and I’m gonna miss his smile and all the funny expressions he has on his face. He always lets me come in late, let’s me make up time out by working during lunch instead of putting it on my schedule, sticks up for me if someone tries to do something unfair, and generally just leaves me alone and is nice to me… I want to give him a big ol’ hug.
The new supervisor is nice, but he’s not that bright…
Good morning world. I spoke with my brother the other night. We stayed up ’till two in the morning talking. After it was all said and done, I gave a firm move-out date, told him he needs to contribute a certain amount of rent until then, and told him everything that he had done that was bothersome to me and the rest of my siblings over all these years. I was so afraid to talk to him because I thought we might get into a big ol’ fight, and at one point we were starting to fight. We were talking about religion and it started to get heated. Our fight was interrupted by a family conference call that had been previously scheduled. I went to the room for the call so that our phones didn’t interrupt each other.
After the conference call, I was still enraged. I didn’t realize I had had so much anger in me. I stayed in my room with my hands and lips trembling and I decided to pray. I couldn’t focus on the prayer, though. I was trying to say prayer words, but thoughts of my brother kept bombarding my brain. And so I decided that I was going to stay there and pray until I could hear the prayer. It took me about an hour and a half. I stayed on the prayer mat until the prayer words drowned out thoughts of my brother, and then I started to pray. I thought about what I really wanted to accomplish, and my thoughts went back to this Native American woman who had led a sweat lodge I had attended once. She was talking about women and she said that women are the ones who anchor peace in the house. She said that in their culture, if someone comes to your house, you are not allowed to turn them away. But people may come into your house with all kinds of problems and all kinds of demons. It us up to the woman to anchor peace in the house, but you can not have peace in your house if you don’t have peace in yourself.
I prayed for peace in myself, but I was so angry. So I asked God if he would come through and manifest as peace. If He would talk through me and be my ears and my hands and feet. If He would speak through my mouth. I stayed on the prayer mat until I felt like it was possible for me to be peaceful. And then I could speak my intention. I wanted to anchor peace and love in my household. I wanted to anchor peace and love in my life. I wanted to stand up in a queenly way and be a Queen this time. No matter what happens, I said to myself, I will be Peaceful and Loving. No matter what my brother comes with, I will not throw arrows. I will throw Love, and even if it lands at his feet, I will put it out there so that it’s there for him to pick up if ever he wants to. I will wish the best for my brother just like I wish the best for myself. For in truth, he is myself. I will see my brother as myself. Connected. A human being. An extension of my humanity. And I will anchor peace and love for him, too. For in truth, we all want Peace and Love, no matter how disconnected we have become.
And so I prayed for my brother, too. I prayed that the highest possible good that we can give to each other be given that night. I prayed for peace and love for my brother. “You want to talk some more?” he said when I stepped out of the room. “Yes,” I said. “We didn’t finish.” And so we talked until we were finished. This time it wasn’t an argument. It was two people trying to understand each other. It was a brother and sister who had been warring for years making a peace treaty. There was Love in the air. This time I understood him, I think it’s possible that he just might have understood me. At the end of our talk I was going to the kitchen and he said, “Hey thanks. Thanks for talking to me.”
My head doesn’t hurt anymore. I was nearing my hair loss threshold, and so I’m glad I didn’t cross over. I set a tone for peace and love in the household. I explained to my brother that a certain type of behavior would no longer be accepted in my presence. We talked. My brother barely even remembered how he had ignored me years ago as a teenager and traumatized me for life. He was barely even aware of the ways he had hurt so many people…
Here I am. I had invited a man into my house, my brother, who represents all the things I had hated about men. And I had managed to confront one of my biggest demons. I have managed to release all of my anger towards men. Well, maybe there’s a little residual anger left, but most of it is gone. I managed to love anyway and truly forgive and find compassion in my heart. I get to have my brother back for the next few months. I haven’t had my brother in over ten years. I’d missed him… Now that my issues with men are done, maybe I’ll be able to find a husband. What do you think?
Have a good day, y’all.
xo
Laydie.
Day 342
Loving Confrontations
This is unbelievable. Good morning World.
The storm is ending. My emotions are settling. The pain and the hatred towards men is leaving. Last night, I actually took a hiatus from worrying about men. It wasn’t on purpose. I just had a lot of work to do on a tight deadline. So I spend the majority of the evening working really hard on an application. I had to write several essays about why I want to do what I want to do with my life and who I am.
I enjoyed working. My brother and I were scheduled to have a “talk”. He was softer yesterday. Nicer. He thinks I’m going to dump him. He’s funny like that. Intuitive like me. I’m not going to dump him, though. I’m just going to dump our dynamic once and for all. He just doesn’t get to be in my presence and be mean to me or my darling little sisters anymore. He doesn’t get to make us feel trapped and evil and unworthy of love any more. He has to love us or he must go. Of course I will always love him. But from a distance.
Good morning World. I broke up with Mr. President yesterday, too. Well, I was never really with him, but he had been the focus of my awareness for the past few weeks, waking up all sorts of feeling in me. The feelings are fading. Passion is a memory. The truth of the matter is, someone’s husband is trying to cheat on his wife with me. It is going to take a while before he becomes brave enough to be trustworthy, but he will get there. I know he will. I know that he didn’t just reappear in my life for nothing. And I know that we are both already changed for the better because of our brief re-encounter.
Love is out there, huh God? Love is real. It works wonders. Mr. Almost Famous came to me in my prayers last night. Bless his beautiful soul. Thank you, Allah, for showing me what integrity looks like in the form of a man. Thank you for letting me know that good men who keep their word and don’t hurt you exist. Thank you. He always comes to me in dreams, in real life, in visions, and nudges me. He tells me everything is going to be all right and I believe him. I believe him. He tells me that my life is a good life and he stands on the side lines and watches me like a man. Like a brother. Like a father. Like a Lover. He doesn’t interfere. He tells me that I can do it on my own. He knows I can do it on my own. But just in case I fall and really really need some help, he lets me know that he’ll be there. And he’s always there. He always answers my call. He never ignores me and he never lies to me and last night he came to me in a prayer and he told me that I’m doing good. And he told me that everything is going to be all right and I believe him because he doesn’t lie… He is a true friend.
I have to get ready for work, but I just want to say that this closure thing is a good thing. It makes space. It cleans the air so that things can flow more smoothly. It unearths all the bitterness and pain and anger in you so that it can come out and stop blocking all the good from flowing smoothly. It reminds you of who you really are. Or maybe it helps you to think about who you really are for the first time. It takes your heart and twists it and drains it and rings it out. And when the process is done, you realize that all the parts of you have finally come home. Your heart can beat again…
Day 340
On Completions (Making Space)
Hi there.
Mozart died at 37. A friend of mine just sent me that text.
I’m tripping. I’m not super tripping, because at least I can step back and see that I’m tripping, but
I’m tripping nonetheless.
At my spiritual center, they said that when you feel like you can’t do something, then ask God to do it through you. So God, I’m asking you to bring peace through me, because I’m not feeling peaceful.
I’m asking you to bring peace through me. I’m asking you to bring peace through me. I’ve been angry for a while here. I was just trying to read my book, but I can’t concentrate because I’m so angry… I’m mad at my brother. He did a little thing, but it was a big deal, because he’s been doing this little thing for more than half our lives now. He ignored me. I sent him a text about a sensitive subject matter and he just ignored me. Then when he came home he acted like nothing had happened.
I’m so mad at men these days. I had all these thoughts of doing all this bad stuff to him until he says sorry for everything. And then I saw him in the kitchen this morning. Clueless. He’s not even aware of half of the ways he hurts so many people. And if I made him aware, he’s not grown up enough to say sorry.
So what am I gonna do? Forgive him. That is where the saying comes from. Forgive them Father for they know not what they do. Forgive us. I guess if we knew any better we would recognize that it’s in all of our best interests just to be open and honest and kind to each other. Sometimes it’s so hard, though. We have ventured so far away… It’s so hard not to just punch my brother in the face when he does some of things he does. I’m so angry with him, Allah. I’m still angry. And hurt.
He just abandons us. Disappears. He’s our big brother and we don’t have a father, and he just throws us away every time. Doesn’t even talk to us. Doesn’t even sit down with us to see what’s going on. And then he wants to ask us for sh*t. And we have to ask other men to help us with man stuff… I’m so mad. We put up with it. Nobody says anything. Everyone is scared of his disapproval. Everyone just wants him to love us and so we keep quiet. We are his biggest cheerleaders when he does anything good and he treats us like nonentities…
This is my issue, You say. This is my issue with Muse and Voodoo Man and My Almost One. This is the closure I’ve been seeking. What is it, God? What do I need to learn here? These dudes. I Love them so much and they don’t see it. They don’t allow for it. They have love repellant all over them. And they treat me like shit on purpose. And deep down, we both know that they love me, too. In fact, they talk to other people about how great I am and all this stuff, but they will never even give me a kind word.
I’d like to learn what I’m supposed to learn here. Love anyway, You say.
Ugh. Seriously? Love anyway? That is so hard. It’s so hard to give to someone when they’re not giving to you. How can I do it? I’m mad at him. I feel like he just takes advantage of people and I’m encouraging and enabling it.
– No one said let him take advantage of you. No one said encourage abuse. But you don’t have to hurt them just because they are hurting you. You don’t have to “show them” or “teach them”. They will learn the lessons they need to learn in their own time. Your lesson is to love anyway.
In your work to come, there will be those that you love who hate you only because you love so much. Only because you have escaped the prison of hate that they are trapped in. They will try to prove to themselves and to you that love doesn’t work, and there may be challenges.
Your job, your lesson, Laydie, is to love anyway. Be firm. Be strong. Set a standard for Love and vibrancy in Your life. Tell the truth. But do it with Love. Do not intend to hurt them. Do not intend to punish them. Do not intend to punish yourself. Intend to Love. Yourself and the ones you interact with.
This is your heart’s deepest desire anyway. This is really why you are so angry with your brother. Because he is messing with your intention to love. You are angry because he is inciting anger in you when you wanted to love him. And, yes, you wanted him to love you, too. You wanted them to love you, too, but everyone is not able to do what you want when you want it. Everyone is not willing. Leave them to Me… Leave life to unfold as it will. You just do your part.
You know you’ve got this Love thing on lock. You do your part. You can kiss Muse and Almost Love and Voodoo Man goodbye now. You can part ways with your brother in peace now. They have unearthed all the anger in you around this issue of abandonment. You have learned how to express your need to be cherished and loved. You have learned to accept your need fulfilled. Good job. You have learned to ask and receive. And you are learning how to give what is in your heart to give anyway. Let the blessings fall at their feet if it may. Let the blessings only scratch the surface of their ears if it must.
They will hear in their own time. They will pick up love when they are ready. Maybe not in this lifetime. They may never say thank you. They may never say sorry, but you, my dear, will sleep in peace if you follow through with what has been put in you to do. You love anyway, you hear?
Day 339
Love Anyway
Good morning World,
It’s July 4th. Independence Day. A day off of work. I wrote a blog and now I’m starting over. It’s like sometimes, I need to do a warm-up writing to get all the surface things off of my mind, and then I can go a little deeper.
I don’t know what the future holds. I got a notice about the job I was waiting to hear from. I scored high on the test, but not high enough to guarantee that I’ll be called for an interview. So now I just have to wait and see. I thought that job was a guarantee and when I got it, I was going to quit my current job, go on summer break until September, and then start the new job and September. But now that I don’t know if the new job is happening, I don’t know if summer break is happening. And that’s discouraging. The last time I didn’t have a summer break was in 1999, when my dad died. I worked all summer so I could pay for school, because our family’s extra money had gone to paying for my dad’s funeral.
But since the year 2000, I have always had a summer break. And I have used those breaks to travel, fall in love, learn stuff, develop skills, go to camps, be out in nature, teach stuff, and create and strengthen bonds with family and friends. I know I’m spoiled. Summer breaks are luxury. And how did a poor girl like me start feeling entitled to such a way of life? I don’t know.
I have always felt entitled to life, though. When I was a little girl, my mom was a babysitter and housekeeper. I used to go with her to work sometimes. The people she worked for had a really nice house. When the dad would come home, I would be sitting on the bar stool at his kitchen. My mom would be looking at me all nervous, like I was supposed to get down. I’m glad she never told me to get down. Anyway, one day the dad came home and he was just pacing around looking mad. My mom was pretending to clean something. The dad came up to me. “Do you want a Coke?” he asked. “Yes, please,” I answered. He was incredulous, but he got one of his fancy glasses with the thick glass, put some ice from the automatic ice-maker in it, put a coaster on the counter, and served me a Coke. I was too young to realize that he was being passive-aggresive and was trying to tell me to get off his counter and clean something. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing wrong with me sitting at his counter and being served a Coke by him. It was common manners when someone is at your house! When we got in the car, my mom told me that I have some nerve! I’m glad she never said that I wasn’t supposed to sit at the counter and be served by a rich man. I’m glad she never said that good things were too good for me. My mom’s a very honest person, and I’m glad that she always believed that her kids deserved the best in life. Even though we were poor, she never thought that anything was too good for us.
And so here I am. An entitled poor woman. I still think I’m supposed to be sitting at a counter somewhere in a big clean house being served. I still think I’m supposed to go on summer excursions where I work on heal the world projects or learn stuff or teach stuff or smell fresh trees. I still think that my life is supposed to be drastically different than it looks now.
Sometimes I think that this has just been a stopping point. At my sister’s college, most of the kids were rich and privileged. and so they had a class called “Suffering.” In it, they learned about suffering and they had to pretend they were poor, etc. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been in a real life class on suffering for the past few years. Yes, I have learned a lot and it was a very important class. I have become kind and compassionate and all that good stuff that you become when you can’t be anything else. I have realized the value of niceness and Love. Love is so underrated. I have come to appreciate companionship and learned about creating an environment instead of letting an environment create you. I have even come closer to God in a real way. I’m glad I took this class on suffer, but I smell caviar in the distance.
This class is coming to an end.
STAND UP! I hear Your voice booming. STAND UP, You say. Step into your life now. There’s nothing wrong with not being poor. Poor people always look at rich people like they don’t know anything about life. As a poor person, I know about the secret agreements we make. We don’t hang with those bougie people. We always have to talk some kind of slang so that other poor folks know that we don’t think we’re better than them. We don’t dress too fancy because we don’t want others to feel bad. It’s so funny. Because all of our lives we have been working towards being wealthy and successful and happy, but we are ashamed of it. We are ashamed of living a life of fulfillment. We think we will lose friends and people won’t like us, etc. etc.
You know what though? It’s a new day for me. “Are you willing to be so successful that people hate you without knowing you?” he said at my spiritual center. Yes. Yes, God, I am. I don’t need or want people to hate me, but I’m willing to close this chapter on suffering, no matter what the consequences. I’m willing to stand up and step into my own shoes. I’m just not interested in suffering any more. I’m not interested in abuse anymore. I’m not interested in meanness anymore. No. I’m just not interested any more. Yes, I am willing to have good things. Yes, I am willing to be good things. I have work to do in this world and things to experience. Yes, Allah, I can finally say it and mean it. I AM WILLING TO LIVE! OH MY GOD, YES, I AM CHOOSING TO LIVE! I am choosing to stand up now and step into my own shoes. The thought doesn’t scare me anymore. It means the time is finally here. I am willing to live! I am willing to live! I choose to live… I am embracing the end of suffering… Ameen.
Day 338
The End Of Suffering
The days are going by. Less than a month before this is over.
I’m much better today. I prayed about it. It worked. Actually, it’s weird. It’s almost like the situation prayed about me. I wrote my blog last night, talked to a friend and then went to sleep.
At work I had to go meet with someone about job issues, so I didn’t spend much time at the office. Afterwards, I went to yoga class at my spiritual center, and then I went to my spiritual center. I didn’t ask God to fix such and such situation. I just got real quiet during the meditation and I opened. I just allowed myself to be open to whatever is trying to transpire in my life, and the prayer took me over.
Thoughts came and went. I still don’t know how things are going to play out with Mr. President. I still don’t know how anything is going to play out for that matter. But while sitting in the sanctuary, I didn’t need to know how everything would play out. I knew that everything would play out if I let it, and that was enough.
That is enough for me to not be angry tonight and for me to be somewhat peaceful in this moment. Men will be men, and I don’t like a lot of the experiences I’ve had with the men in my life, but the truth is, women must be women. Women must be women.
We have forgotten the power in our wombs and we have allowed the men to become what they are. If women would be women, then men would be men. It is so strange. I understand it until I start to think about it. If men want to lead, then it is up to us to hold them accountable for being people who are worthy of being followed.
Anyway, this entry is not about men or women or how we can get along. This entry is about what happens when you step into a new way of living. I am learning the process. There will be massive confusion, withdrawals, upheavals. There will be pain. And then, before you reconstruct your life, there will be a moment of time where you are in the unknown. That is where I am now.
This is where you learn the good stuff. This is where you find your religion again. If you think you don’t have the answers, it’s OK. You don’t. You’ve never been here before. How could you have the answers. Allow yourself the space and the grace to find your way. No need to force it. No need to worry about what everyone is going to say. This is your journey to freedom. You are charting new territory and when you get to the other side, trust and believe that the same people who were talking about you will be coming to you for advice. Just forgive them in advance. They don’t know any better right now.
But one day they will. One day you will. One day we will. One day the unknown will be known. But for now, I relax, Allah. I allow all of the broken pieces to come up and out of me. I just let the process and the prayer take me over, instead of trying to dictate how every single thing is supposed to happen every single time. I defer to a Higher Power. I defer to a Bigger Perspective. I cultivate a relationship with the Knower so that I may be able to distinguish the voice of truth from the voice of deception when I am in the unknown.
How long must I stay in the dark, she asked. Until you can see in the dark, he answered. Until you can see in the dark…
Day 337
The Unknown
Heavy hearted…
Emotions all over the place. I used to cope with being emotional just by shutting down or running away from anything that might make me feel too strongly, but now that I’ve decided not to shut down and to stay open, my emotions have been all over the place.
I find myself thinking in curse words often. Years of repressed anger surfacing.
I know I missed another day. The next blog after this will be about discipline. I know it’s something I need to improve upon. I don’t think it will be that hard. Tonight I want to talk about morals, though, because my mind is drawing a blank and I can’t really remember what those are.
In the course of three weeks, I have fallen in love with someone else’s husband. I had the chance to fall in love with him before he was someone else’s husband, but I never gave him the opportunity to get inside my heart. Now that he is taken and now that he still wants to be with me after marrying someone else (how flattering), I have decided to open my heart to him. I didn’t think there was any danger, but I was wrong. I’m falling for him. And I wonder if I’m falling for him only because I know he’s taken. I wonder if he was free and single, if there was no danger, no adventure, just him with nothing to lose, would I still fall in love with him?
I am tired of me. I don’t even know where to begin with morals. I have completely lost my religion, and the worst part is, I don’t even feel bad about it. I still believe in God and I’m not generally interested in doing bad things to people, but the rules are all cloudy now. People who I used to think were “bad” now seem good, and people who would appear to be “good” seem bad to me. Actions that I would never dare take make sense to me now and vice versa. Heaven or hell do not entice or deter me. I don’t know what the rules are anymore.
And I’m angry, God. I’m mad that Mr. President could just come back into my life out of left field and rock my entire foundation. I’m mad that I had a routine and life was OK and now it’s all topsy turvy. I’m mad that Mr. Almost Famous didn’t just marry me and make things easy. I’m angry because the only answers that I have to anything related to my relationship life are to cry and get angry. I can’t run anymore. And I can’t shut down anymore. But these men would have you sell your soul if you let them. I can’t do that either.
“Pray about it,” You say. I don’t even know how to pray any more. My heart is broken, God. I don’t even know how to pray any more. The things I used to do in the past aren’t working anymore.
“Pray about it,” You say.
This is the place with no answers. There are no answers about my potential new job yet. No answers about my movie. No answers about my children’s book. No answers about my husband. My mom is trying to hook me up with a nice religious man. We talk. He bores me to tears. But he’s nice. Predictable. Safe. But I don’t want him. Men on the street smile at me and I get angry. What am I so angry about, Lord?
I am mad at men. I am angry with them for always fucking things up for women. Cheating and leaving, running away from anything that makes them feel vulnerable, not supporting us, that conditional love shit… Taking us away from our dreams because of their insecurities, subduing our power because of their big egos, holding us hostage and quarantining us if they get us… I am mad at men for not Loving me. I am mad at men for not caring about women. For thinking that we are only tools and side pieces to the fantasies in their heads. For not seeing us as people. I am mad at men for not saying please and thank you and I’m sorry, for holding back love and for trying to punish people and teach them lessons all the time. I am mad at men for always trying to dominate everything even when they know they are not the most qualified. I am mad, God.
But mostly I am mad at the men in my life for not staying. For not sticking it out. For running away without even saying goodbye. For not being there for me. I am mad at them for never saying thank you for shit. For holding back love from me on purpose and never telling me all the good things that I am. I am mad at them for never even asking themselves how they could help put a smile on my face and make my life easier, yet still wanting to be a part of my life. I am mad at them for confusing loving me with wanting me.
So there.
I have twelve minutes before midnight. This blog is about morals and anger. I’m not going to delete it and start over and try to write something inspirational. Because I’m angry.
I’m gonna pray about it. I guess I promised not to curse men out anymore, so I won’t go on a cursing spree. I’ve said it all here. I’m gonna clean up my room…
I’m feeling stuff again. It doesn’t feel good at all, but at least it feels something. At least I’m angry for real. At least I’m loving all the way. At least blood is coursing through my veins and I’m coming alive again. At least I’m feeling stuff… I’ll pray about it.
Day 336
On Feeling
I’m learning something. Sometimes things are hard.
I’ll be leaving Vegas in a few hours and going back to my life. My job, my apartment, the people, etc. Constant striving. This trip was much needed.
I’m about to cry. This trip was just so good. I don’t like Vegas that much, but I liked being out of my normal day to day environment and being able to just take some time to enjoy things. I liked the fact that I won $30 on the slot machines and then lost $25. When I was playing my last few dollars, I bet the maximum amount. I figured I might lose, but I be the maximum anyway. It felt good to bet the max. It felt good to give it all and not kind of gamble.
You win some and you lose some.
I think Mr. President will be disappearing and going back to his life. It took me all these years to realize that I love this man. I always used to judge him so harshly and demonize him for the smallest things. But this time around, I was actually able to love him, and I can say goodbye with peace in my heart. It happens. He tried his best to be with me. And I tried the best with all the knowledge I had at the time. I just didn’t know any better.
It happens. You win some and you lose some. And it hurts when you lose. Nobody said it would be easy.
But here’s the good news. When you know you have given your all and when you leave a situation and it’s laced with all the love your heart could have given, you don’t leave with regrets.
You know the only thing I regret about my almost relationship with Muse? I regret that I cussed him out at the end. I mean he was the biggest jerk I’ve ever met and he deserved to be cussed out and beat up by someone, but that someone didn’t have to be me. I had intended only to love him, and so I regret that I allowed him to make me deviate from my intention…
It is hard to go back home to my life. I wish I could reverse time and go back five years. I would have made a different choice. I would have been somebody’s wife and we would have had beautiful children together. And I probably would have been very happy with him… And I probably wouldn’t have appreciated any of it.
I wonder if there is a way around the hard part. I wonder if there is a way to appreciate the good without having experienced the bad. Someone I know right now has a very wonderful man who loves her. She is betraying him in little ways, taking him for granted and planting seeds of distrust in their relationship. She has never known adult life without a man who loves her. How could she know how lucky she is to have what she has? I hope she doesn’t have to lose him to figure it out…
I could go on and on tonight, but I don’t think my body can handle it. My hands are trembling and I have to get ready to go. I’m grieving and I’m afraid tonight, Lord. I don’t know what comes next and it’s not easy to leave a very peaceful weekend at a posh resort and return to the raggedy streets in my neighborhood. It’s not easy to have had a real life vision of love and go back to no man potential husband in sight (at least not one that I actually want to be with) and still keep my heart open.
It’s not easy. But I guess nobody said it would be easy. I will keep my heart open and I will keep working, but God please help me to be strong. I think I could actually use some of that strength that people say I have right about now. I don’t ever want to lose my smile again. I don’t ever want to close my heart again. I don’t ever want to be standing so close to my dreams come true and self-sabotage or not be able to see it again. I want to live now, Allah, and I’m willing to do the work. I’m willing to give my all, even if my all is just a little bit. I’m willing to stay open. I want to. I don’t care if it’s hard. I know that I am able… I know that I am able… I know that I am able…
Ameen.
Day 335
Nobody Said It Would Be Easy
This open heart thing seems to be doing me some good, though. It seems to be healing the broken parts in me.
Hi there.
I messed up. I missed a day. Feel so bad about it. I tried to squeeze in the time yesterday, but I didn’t I was on “go” all day, from 3am, rewriting my script, submitting to programs and people, working the 9-5, and then I had to get ready to go out of town, then when midnight came, I was still on the road.
I’m sorry. I really want to be more disciplined. I could have squeezed something in while driving or something. I wasn’t driving. I could have made it a priority to keep my word to myself. But I didn’t. I will try harder. And do twenty pushups for punishment.
Good day world. I’m out of town. In Vegas. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so I won’t tell you all that’s happening, except I’m having a really good time so far. I haven’t been to a cultural dance class in over eight months, since I got sick, but I went to one today. I danced my butt off and sweated so much. And I don’t feel sick, which is fantastic. It means I’m finally getting back healthy. I ran into this girl who I’ve been following on Facebook. She sells homeopathic beauty and wellness products. I don’t know her, but I had just been talking about her to a friend, saying how I wanted to order her products on line, and voila, here she is at a random dance class in Vegas, with a bag full of products!
Guys like me these days, which is awesome. My life tends to be either feast or famine. Been kind of horrible in man land for some time, so it’s nice to be approached and courted (yes courted) by men who don’t seem like characters from a movie about abuse.
I don’t know who’s gonna be my husband, or if it will even be any of the people who are currently showing me interest, but I think I’m gonna have one. Funny, for the past couple of weeks, everywhere I go, I’ve been meeting ready guys. Guys who are asking me when I’m getting married and when I’m having kids. Guys who are talking about wanting these things in their lives in the very near future. And most importantly, guys that are nice. They come bearing gifts. Little things like candles and water, compliments and phone calls.
I had almost gotten used to the assholes who sit around and wait for women to chase them. The ones that sit on the side and try to see how high you can jump before they even consider offering one bit of themselves to you, poking and criticizing all the while… The ones who don’t see me for who I am in any form or fashion…
Anyway, Good afternoon World. Nina Simone has a verse in one of her songs. “Please be patient with your life. It’s only morning and you’ve still to live your day.” I can’t wait till I’m completely healthy and my skin is clear. I can’t wait ’till my movies and books come out. I can’t wait ’till I find and marry and awesome beautiful man. I can’t wait ’till I get my money completely in order. I can’t wait ’till I am completely free of depression. I’m gonna’ testify; tell it on a mountain.
Maybe our world has a lot of pain and misery. Maybe there is confusion everywhere. Maybe the people who sleep in peace every night are few and far in between. Maybe sleeping in peace isn’t your thing anyway. But whatever your thing is, just give it some time. The secret is consistency. Keep at it and keep at it and keep at it, and if you flounder and miss a day, if you mess up, get back up and keep at it again. Set a goal and keep at it until you see it come to pass. Give it some time. It may take a life. You may have a couple decades worth of a damaged self-image to repair. You may have an addiction to self-destruction that takes a while to break. Sadness may have some really deep roots in you, and it just takes a while to dig everything up. But if you keep digging and digging and walking and walking and working and working and trying and trying, eventually you’re going to step out into the world and people aren’t even going to recognize you.
They’re going to call you, the used-to-be moody Judy girl, the happy one. They’re going to ask you, the girl that people thought couldn’t talk, miss shy and quiet, to speak at events. You’re going to be presented with opportunities that you never thought would exist for you. Ms. used-to-be abused, taken-for-granted girl, you are going to run into men who think you are their dream come true, men who would never hurt you. It happens. It’s possible. Sometimes it takes a whole life to get where you want to go, but what else are you doing with your whole life? Living with a low-grade headache and a cloud of chaos around you until you die?
I implore you to figure out what you want to do with this thing called life. At least figure out one thing you want to do with this thing called life. And then start it. And then keep working towards it consistently, even if you mess up. Start over and keep working. Life may surprise you with a shift so mighty you can hardly keep up…
Day 334
Give It Some Time (Consistency)
hownottocryeveryday 