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Day 353 – Men

August 4, 2014

Men…

Men, men, men, men, men…. Men.

This post is about men. I’m clear about what I want to talk about. Men. Relationships and the amount of time and energy they consume. And the necessity of them all.

I went out of state and saw a man this past weekend. The man who shattered my whole world. He Who Came Before. He was just as handsome as ever. Rich. Loving. His house looked just the way it did when we lived together years ago, except he had some new furniture in some places. His breath smelled different. Like a woman. Whichever woman he’s been entangled with. His breath wasn’t his breath. It was his breath plus someone else’s…

Men.

We talked, but not that much. Mostly we just sat around and watched TV together, cuddled and kept quiet. He said he was still in love with me. He asked me to come and save him…

Men… I know there was a time when I was head over heels in love with him. There was a time when I gave up everything and skipped town to be with him just because I didn’t want to spend another day without him.

And his life is good. His life is easy. He is done with struggling and all that survival stuff and now he just chills all day. And he would support me. I would be his muse…

Men.

I wanted to give him something while I was there, but he didn’t want to accept. Told me that he would accept my gift if I did something for him. Bargaining. I told him never mind. It was a small conversation. A small thing, but it is the root of the reason we won’t get back together. There is too much bargaining at the root of our relationship…

When I came back home, I told the new dude who claims to be my soul mate that I had gone and seen my ex. He hung up the phone on me and then sent me a text msg wishing me peace and good luck on my journey. I went through the four stages of rage in about forty minutes, and now I am sitting here thinking about men.

And how they have been the ruler of my life for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful. I Love them more than anything. But there is a difference between a good thing and a bad thing, and sometimes we get so caught up on just having a thing that we forget why we are interested in relationships in the first place…

I used to love He Who Came Before. I love him still. And when I got home, I was really having a hard time figuring out how one decides who to spend one’s life with. I tried the whole “just follow your heart” thing, but that has some missing parts to it. And making a list of attributes and seeing if someone fits isn’t the whole picture either. I was a little confused and on my way home I ran into you know who, My Neighbor. He had been away for some time and just got back home today. He invited me to lunch but I passed because I needed to take a nap. Then when I got off work, just as I was about to walk into my house, he was walking out of his.

We took it as a sign (we had run into each other twice in one day and we usually only run into each other about twice a month) and I went with him to run some errands. He talked about his life. I talked about mine. I was glad that I’m not jealous of his relationship anymore and I’m OK with the idea of never being with him. We talked as friends and I was uplifted. My neighbor opens doors. He’s nice to women, not just the ones he wants something from. He’s open and honest. What I like most about him, though, is that he never seems to be wanting me to be anything other than me, and he thinks I’m pretty cool. It sounds really vain, and it is, but there is something so relaxing and easy about being around someone who just wants to be around because they want to be around you…

You know, I’ve spent most of my life being surrounded by some man that thinks I need to be more this and less that and don’t talk so loud or smile bigger or not so big… Or stay home or go to work or get it together or don’t be too together or be virginal or explore my sexuality. Pray this way or don’t pray at all. Wear this clothes, live this place, etc, etc. And I have spent most of my life listening and trying to be this, that and the other so that some man would like me.

My daddy would be disappointed. Because my daddy loved me just as I was. He didn’t live long enough to tell me about grown-up things, but I think my dad would be proud if he knew about this revelation that I’m having right now. The right man will want to Love you just as you are, and you will want to Love him just as he is. There is no need to force anything. There is no need to pretend to be someone you are not. There is no need to try to convince yourself when it comes to Love…

What the old folks say is right. You will know when you know and you will know when you don’t know. And I’d like to add, you will know when you are lying to yourself. And when you realize you are lying to yourself, stop it while you can…

I am remembering Love and Ease. Dad, I am remembering your smile and the way you used to joke. Almost Famous, I am remembering your Grace and Humility, Your Integrity and Compassion. Neighbor, I am thinking on your Openness and your unassuming way. I am reflecting on the way you ask but don’t demand anything. My friend C, I am thinking on how you always offer me food before you eat and don’t think anything of it. And My Best Friend, I am thinking on how you gently nudge me to be better always. You listen and grow.

As I move forward on this, the most challenging part of my journey, facing the men of my past and calling forth the man of my future, I lean on your spirits. I lean on the knowledge that good men exist. I have known them. I know them! They are real. All of the liars and the users and the miserly takers… All of the fearful ones and the manipulators and the ones who always point fingers… All of the ones who would drain your life for their pleasure, the ones who never grow up and think too much of their own thoughts… Well, they exist, too, but we shall not call them men. We shall not call them anything. We shall not call them into our lives anymore…

Ameen.

Day 353

Men

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From → The Alive Part

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