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Day 344 – This Discipline Thing

July 16, 2014

Time will not stand still for me.

This one will be short. I already know what I’m going to write about discipline. I’m not going to complain today. I have about twenty days.

When I finally finished writing the script that’s being produced right now, I was working a very stressful full-time job. My therapist frined put me on a schedule. I had an alarm clock on my phone and I had to write for a certain amount of time at a certain time every day and have an agenda for my writing until I finished. And I finally finished. I’m going to do that now.

I have twenty-one days until this is over and if I keep moping around and don’t come up with a game plan, it’s not going to happen. I’m just gonna be stuck in the muck forever and writing about my sad life years from now. So here’s the plan. I wish I could call in to work today, but I don’t have a lot of hours and my cool supervisor is gone now and the new one does everything by the book. So I’ll go to work today.

At work, I’ll just work and catch up on the work I need to do. No lallygaggling around. After work, though, no social stuff. This is a me day. This is a set my house in order day. I’m gonna come home and set my house in order. There are a lot of things that need to be done. I’ve been sinking and I’ve decided that I want to live and so I have to swim now. But I can’t just be over here flailing around. I have to be intentional about stuff. Eventually I will fly, but for now, for this last part, for this alive part, I am building my muscles again. I am coming back to the world with all the things I’ve been learning and learning how to implement the things that you learn when you’re sitting alone in a room by yourself praying and meditating and reading books out in the world.

I am learning how to live outside of my comfort zone. Sensitive control-freaks lose their minds here. Things hardly go as planned and all sorts of surprises come up. This man-releasing thing has been kicking my emotional butt. The attachments were deep. This is what I’ve learned about healing and progress, though. Nothing works like exercising every day. Nothing works like having a plan to eat better every day. Nothing works like touching the grass and smelling fresh air every day. Nothing works like taking time about to pray and journal every day. Nothing works like washing dishes and keeping your room and your space clean every day. Nothing works like taking some action towards some goal every single day. Nothing works like consistency and discipline.

This is where I will start today. And I’ll add another layer on to it. I’m not gonna complain. I have 21 days to go through all the challenges that are surely going to happen once I commit to doing life a lot different than I’ve been doing in months. I know it will be challenging. I know I’m gonna cry and get all confused and disoriented and there may be some major or minor dramas in the next few weeks. I know the men are gonna come at me with propositions and things I can’t even fathom. I know my job or my body might act a fool. My family might say something hurtful. I know someone from my past might show up and hug me and I might have a nervous breakdown. All of these fears are daunting but avoiding them does not make them disappear. I am hoping and praying that if I face down all of the issues in my life, then they will finally cease existing and having so much power over me. And so I’m going to face them.

I’m going to transform. I’ve been doing this transformation slowly for some time, but now I’m going to up the game. I am willing, Allah, to change, transform and blossom. I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I am willing to Live! I want to Live! And I step forward in life confident that You are on my side, confident that everything I’m doing will be worth it. I look at how far I’ve come. I look at how my relationships have changed for the better already. I look at my forehead and see how the frown lines are disappearing. I recognize that where there is God’s will there is a way, and so I go out in the world today confident that You will take me through to this other side of happy that I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I put my mind to rest and start my day. And so it is…

Day 344

This Discipline Thing

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