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Day 350 – On Moving On

July 24, 2014

Good Morning.

I know, it’s been two days. All I can say is I’m sorry. My days have been on go from 7a to 11:30 these past two days. I know, that leaves 30 minutes to write, and I’ve been intending to, but then I fall asleep. So I’ll keep trying. I may not write this weekend. I’m going on a women’s retreat. I’ll bring my computer, though, just in case.

Good morning. I had such lovely dreams last night. I wish I would have written them down. Beings came to me in the night. I know that sounds weird. But it felt like something celestial came to me in the night and started taking things out of my head and clearing out my brain. Like they were taking cobwebs out or something. That’s what it looked like. “They” didn’t look like anything that I remember, and I don’t remember what they said, either. But this morning my head feels lighter. There’s not this sense of pressure that has been there for a while. I’m not going to write too long because I want to pray this morning.

I hung out with Free yesterday. He came with me to my spiritual center. He’s extremely awkward and nerdy, to the point that it’s funny. And he’s super sweet. He definitely doesn’t know how to act around women. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me that he’s never had a girlfriend before… I like him, though. Not particularly romantically attracted to him at this point, but he’s really good people and I’d like to be around him more.

There’s not much drama to write about… My brother and I are friends now. I don’t know how it happened. God, You forced us to live together, and it was tough and heavy and now it’s easy and light. I don’t feel all that pain and resentment. We talk to each other and joke and laugh. We are not fake around each other. We are peaceful on purpose. It’s been a long time coming.

And the men? Well, I had been having a hard time releasing them because some of them didn’t want to let go. They have been addicted to fantasies. They don’t really want a real life woman. They just want a thought to hold on to so they can feel connected to something. They want something out there in the future to keep them motivated. I had been trying to talk to all these people from my past and come to peaceful agreements. You know, we were supposed to talk about whatever transpired between us and then say thank you for everything, I’m sorry for everything and either say goodbye or change the nature of our relationship… Well these men haven’t been trying to do that. They want to change the nature of our relationship, all right, in that they want me to get with their programs, which usually involve me being a mistress or getting with some dude with no ambition who’s house smells like moth balls or helping someone start a business that I really don’t believe in or care about. They have been fighting me, blatantly telling me that they are never going to let me go. It’s been tough for me. Life stuff like work and paying bills and survival things have never been hard for me, but emotional stuff? It can get ahold of me and have me down and out for months and years… Not anymore, though.

This is why abusive men don’t like their women to read books or hang out with other folk or spend too much time alone. We start getting ideas. We start seeing the bigger picture. Yesterday I had an epiphany. I don’t have to ask for anyone’s permission to let me go. I am the boss of my life. I don’t have to wait and get joined to the hip with some man and get with his plans for the future. I can make my own plans. I know those two statements seem anti-relationship, but they’re not. There’s something wonderful to be said about a woman with her own vision. The kind of man I like likes a woman with her own vision and her own plans. He doesn’t want to tell her how to do everything. He wants someone who comes with her own things to partner with. Me, too. I want a guy who has kind of figured some things out on his own. He has figured out who he is and I have figured out who I am and from there we can decide who we want to be together and what kind of team we want to build.

I can’t believe I had been sitting over here asking these guys for permission to let them go. They had been taking advantage of my kindness. Yesterday I told one of them goodbye. I just told the truth and he couldn’t stand it. After I told him I’m saying goodbye with no questions asked, he apologized for being pushy, etc, and finally said he’s willing to move on…

So this blog is about moving on and making your own plans. If you don’t make plans, someone will make plans for you and want you to be on their team. It is scary for a woman to make her own plans because we think that if we are too independent, there will be no space for a man or men won’t like us. In your plans, plan for a man as well. Leave space in your day for him. If your day is jam-packed with activity from waking ’till dawn, there won’t be any room for him. So leave some room in your schedule for some quality time with a man. Spend it with yourself for now, but don’t just hide out in your room. Put yourself in places and situations where the man of your dreams can see you. Make yourself available. And move on with your life. Get your stuff together, pay your debts, and clean out your closets. Just get it together already. It may not be easy, but it’s usually easier than it seems once you get in the flow of things.

Today I’m in the flow. I’m moving on, Allah. Finally and at last and now. I bless my own self in this moment. I bless the day that has yet to unfold. I Bless the people I am letting go of. May there hearts be at ease and may they know the fulfillment of their heart’s desire. I Bless the past and the woman that I used to be. I thank You for it all, Allah, and I move on. Ameen.

Day 350

On Moving On

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From → The Alive Part

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