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Day 348 – The Gift Of Life

July 20, 2014

Good evening World. Loves. How are you? I hope all is well in your life. Even if all does not seem well, we are still alive, and so there is still an opportunity for all to be well.

Good evening. I am feeling really grateful right now. I let go of another attachment today. Someone I have known for over six years. I dated him for a few months and he has been hanging around as a “friend” ever since. A friend who kind of sort of treats me like a boyfriend every now and then and dotes over me. I’ve told him that I’m not romantically interested in him for the past five years, but yet I still hang out with him every now and then and I kind of sort of allow him to treat me as his girlfriend every now and then.

Today I decided to stop being a heartbreaker. I’ve tried to let go of this guy several times in the past, and he has never agreed to separating, but today he said that he was willing to let this thing go and part ways and I know it is done. It is done. It is done. It is done. Another goodbye. And although there are tears in my eyes, I am not sad. I am relieved, Allah. I can do this. I can let go of something sure for the promise of something unsure. They will call me crazy, but this is what faith is. Soon I will speak of my new life and my new husband and they will say that it all made sense.

But it all makes sense to me now. You can not be emotionally available if you are not emotionally available. You can not have time to cultivate something new if you do not have time to cultivate something new. And you can not have space in your life for the new thing if you do not have space in your life for the new thing. And the new thing is finally calling me. I am finally being pulled by a vision instead of being pushed by pain. It all works out either way. This way is nicer.

Today I was able to imagine reciprocity. I like a guy and he likes me. A guy wants to Love me and I want to Love him. We Love each other and build together. Me, I, am in this picture happy. What do I look like? I don’t have all these ex-boyfriends hanging around me propositioning me all the time. My debts are paid or in repayment. My room is clean. I am either working towards or already working at meaningful work in the world. I have a few female friends. I am in good physical shape. This is the woman that the man I love wants to be with. This is the woman that I want to be. The woman I am finally becoming.

Things are becoming so clear for me now, Allah. We have this thing called a life. And it is a gift. Each one’s life is different. Each one’s capacities are different. Each one’s circumstances at birth are different, but all of us are gifted just by the virtue of being alive. And we learn all of these things about the world and money and women and men and we forget who we are along the way. And sometimes we remember. Sometimes, like now for me, we remember who we dreamed of being when we were little kids. We remember how we said we were going to change the world and we remember how we thought Love was possible. We remember moments of pure bliss and ecstasy and we remember a time when life was easy. There were no frowns on our foreheads. Things weren’t so heavy. Energy flowed through our bodies easily and we could touch our toes without our backs hurting.

There was a time in life, if even for a moment, when life was good. And if you can remember that time, then you can stretch your brain and reason that a good life is possible for you. And maybe you will be able to see the way back home. It may not be easy. In fact, it will probably be hard. But I can honestly say that this moment of peace and understanding is worth every tear that I’ve ever cried. It is worth every heartbreak. I am becoming my dream come true. My life is becoming my dream come true. God has led me through the storms and back and I have gleaned the experiential understandings that a wise woman needs. I can talk about Love now and know what I’m talking about. I can talk about forgiveness and rage and passion and confusion. I can talk about desperation and depression. And I can talk about happiness.

Happiness is the moment that you realize that your life is ahead of you. Happiness is when you remember who you dreamed yourself to be and know that you have the mental and emotional fortitude to continue doing what you need to do until you become her. Happiness is when you can look around you and see that the people in your life are all your brothers and sisters and you are all connected. Happiness is seeing the path back home to yourself and being able to walk it. And, oh, happiness is when you can Love with your arms wide open and smile with your biggest smile and give like you have nothing to lose. For in fact, there is nothing to lose. Happiness is realizing that there is nothing to lose. There is nothing to lose. This life is a gift and it is ours for the having…

Ameen.

Day 348

The Gift Of Life

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From → The Alive Part

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