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Day 349 – The Point Of No Return

July 21, 2014

Hi.

I almost missed tonight. Fell asleep and got woken up by a text msg. I’m not feeling too well.

Head hurts. Emotions running amuck. Tough day. Promised not to complain, so I won’t. Time is passing.

Allah, help me catch it. Wanted to spend my day catching up, but couldn’t. Is there some grant or some scholarship for people like me? We need a good three months just to sit down and catch up with our lives. We are so behind. We need to have our needs paid for while we sit around and exercise, eat healthy, heal, clean out all of the closets, make a home, organize and plan. Perhaps one day I will start a fund like this. The finishers fund. The “catch-up” fund. It’s for people who’s cause I can believe in. People with great spirits who have gotten behind in life for one reason or another.

I talked to a Saint today. Some new guy I met a few months ago who only started calling me about a week ago. He’s an international businessman, consultant, and motivational speaker. He used to be a successful track runner until he injured himself. Now he makes a life out of helping others live their dreams. He wants to help me. I really don’t know why. I think he likes me because I’m a girl and maybe he’s trying to get with me, but I think him wanting to help me goes beyond that. I think he just wants to help me because he wants to help me. I told him about my life today and I could feel him feeling sorry for me. And then I started feeling sorry for myself. It’s weird. I hardly get any pity or compassion in my life no matter what I’m going through. People always think I’m so strong. But I could feel his compassion. I could feel that he really wanted to help me. There’s was no secret agenda. And the feeling was a bit overwhelming. Because he doesn’t know me like that. How could he just be over here trying to help me?

Someone wants to hire me to write “commercial” webi-sodes. He made me an offer to write about things that sell, ie sex, lies, drama, vulgarity. I thought about it and I couldn’t take the offer. I don’t want to start off writing by thinking about what is commercial. I want to start by being inspired about what I want to write about and then figuring out how to make it commercial, and I’m not going to put more pollution in the world just to make a quick buck. I realized that I’m not money motivated. I’m not doing this for the money or the fame or for my mom to be proud of me or to “show them” that I can do it. I’m doing this because I really don’t have a choice. If I don’t write and tell the stories within me, if I don’t Love with all of me, if I don’t finish things, then my body breaks down. My mind goes crazy. If I go against my conscience then I have a really hard time making it through the day without crying. I have passed the point of no return. Sleeping well at night and having joy and peace in my heart are my greatest motivations…

I’m wondering if this new guy (I’ll call him Free) is going to be my husband. I call him Free because he has managed to be in the world but not of it. He is not a product of his past or his culture or upbringing. He is a product of his visions. He’s not the cutest and he’s somewhat meek, and I imagine that he hasn’t really broken that many hearts. I don’t know him at all, but this is what I’m sensing. He is free from all the heaviness and the meanness in the world. He just seems so very lighthearted. God Bless him. God Bless him. God Bless him.

I’m sorry, but this blog doesn’t really have a theme this evening. It’s a just a hodgepodge of my thoughts and feelings. My entire body is tingling, but I don’t feel excited. I feel relieved. I feel like I am finally deciding how I’m going to live my life from this point forward. Unburdened. Untethered. Free. Guided. With conviction. Strong. Brave. Kind. Happy. Free, You may help me if you wish, and if it is God’s will, You may marry me, in fact. I accept. I agree. I say Yes… I’ve reached the point of no return and I couldn’t thank God more…

Day 349

The Point Of No Return

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