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Day 363 – On Giving Your All

October 5, 2014

There is so much to write about. Where shall I start?

RBB’s song from my spiritual center is on my mind.
“The Earth is Free again. The Earth is free again… My heart is free again. My heart is free again… I glow with life again. I glow with life again… My thought is purified. My thought is purified… And peace is in my eyes. And peace is in my eyes.”

I am making my way back home. Grace is cleaning up the cobwebs in my body and mind. The stagnant parts of my life are moving again. All is coming into balance. I am taking my place as a (and I hesitate to write this)… Queen.

I have been shirking responsibility for quite some time. I have been rejecting power and I have suffered because of it. I know, in my early life, being powerful and strong and responsible only meant that you had no one to lean on. It meant that the whole world was always on your shoulders and you could never rest or get any pity or mercy or compassion. It meant that you would always have to be there for someone else and no one would cook you soup when you were sick unless you were boarder-line dying.

And so I quit. Because I wanted some soup. And I wanted to be cared for. But I had thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Because accessing one’s personal spiritual power is a necessary part of this part of the journey. This is the part where we work in alignment with the Creator to do that which we have never done and experience that which we have never experienced; to give that which we have never given. This is the other side of happy…

My brother left two days ago. On the first night, I came home. I heard some people opening the gate downstairs and I got all rigid. “Oh, my brother is home,” I thought. But then I realized that he’s not coming home. No one is coming home. I realized that no man was coming here, either, because… well, there is no man in my life. And I realized that there is the possibility of a very select amount of friends coming over, but I would have to initiate invitations, etc. It dawned on me that I would have to start a social life from scratch if I wanted one. And I became afraid. It dawned on me that if I was going to get into this program I was nominated for, I was going to have to give twice as much as I was giving and I felt the possibility of failure take me over.

I went to the bed. Laid down and cried. The bed and crying are my drugs… And after I had cried for about ten minutes, the tears stopped. They just stopped. There were no more. I looked around my room. The door was open. “Well,” I thought. “What am I gonna do now?” My emotions told me to just go to sleep, but something wonderful happened. I didn’t listen. I don’t know why I didn’t listen, but I didn’t.

I got up instead. I got up and I got a lighter and some sage. And I began to pray. I asked God to be with me and bring the power out of me so that for once, my house would be a home and a sanctuary instead of a prison. And God responded. I prayed like a warrior. I blessed every corner, window and door of my house. “I call forth the spirit of Love in this place and I drive out anything that is in opposition to this now and forever!” I called forth Peace and Joy and Progress and Abundance and Grace. I called forth Happiness. And I blessed my Home. And I sang to it. And I blessed myself, calling forth all the good things within me. It is time to come out.

It wasn’t easy. I realized that I wasn’t used to this. I wasn’t used to standing up against my own demons so boldly. But it was such a wonderful feeling. I stood up proudly. I stood up and gave my all to the Blessing of this new beginning. And the Universe responded. I slept so well that night. Oh. I haven’t slept that well in such a long time. I woke up with my body tingling, encouraged and inspired. I woke up feeling able. I woke up feeling like I am able, like this is a wonderful place to be. At the beginning of a new beginning.

This ne beginning is a little different than the others, though, because this time life is ushering me forward and I am walking boldly in agreement and alignment with it. It has been years since I have given my all to anything. In fact, I don’t know if there has ever been a time in my life that I have sat down and said, “I am going to give my all to this” and then done so without fear or doubt or worry.

Well I am saying it now. I am going to give my all to my life and I am going to do so without fear or doubt or worry. My life is Good life. My way is Peaceful way. My heart is a Pure heart and I give it now! I deliver my gifts and talents to the world now! I use everything I’ve ever known and learned and been to buoy me up. I tap in to the Guide of all Guides to Guide my way on this journey. I give my all and I receive as well! Grace! Find me now. Love! Let us play. Beauty! Move through my fingers and feet and body. Oh, Truth! Purify everything. Yes! Yes! and Yes. Yes…

We stand up now. Tall. Not with pride, but proud. We are children of the Most High and we are not alone on this journey. We have come a long, long way to be able to speak these words. We have endured the darkness of the night with our smiles in tact and we have found a deep well within us that never runs dry.

Life has taken on a whole new color for me. The color of possibility. What would happen if I actually just gave my all? It is beyond my imagination. I know. Especially now. Now that I have very little blockage and very few fears. Now that depression doesn’t have a hold on me. Now that my vision has improved. Now that I am learning how to source happiness from the depths of my being.

Allah, I thank you for this day. A day when I feel like I know You. A day when demons do not scare me. A day when life finally makes a little bit of sense. I am Able… Able to do what? I don’t know. Able to get off the bed in spite of my fears. Able to take action towards building the life of my dreams. Able to give more than I’ve ever given. And able to receive more than I’ve ever received. With Grace and Gratitude. I am able to breathe life into a home that was dying…

I think that’s good for now, yeah?

-Yeah. Let’s bring it!


Day 363

On Giving Your All

From → The Alive Part

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