Day 362 – The Land Of The Living

Man oh man oh man… Oh man… Man…

When does the drama end?

Today my brother asked me if he could just pay me some money and stay with me instead of moving out… My brother is supposed to be moving out on October 1st. I have been dreaming about October 1st since that first night my brother spent the night out some days ago… I was scared at first, but then I felt so free… I could be in my own space… I could have people over again. Dinners. I could cook stuff and have people over without having to pre-arrange with bro…

I don’t even feel right writing about my brother and putting his business in the street. My brother is two years older than me, and suffice it to say that he and I were the closest of close up until I was about twelve, when we had a major conflict and drifted apart… As he grew into adulthood, sometimes he would clash with certain family members and the result would be a distancing. He and I stayed in communication because we just fought all the time. And then about ten months ago, he asked if he could stay with me. I knew that the only way he would ask to stay with me is if he needed to, and so I let him…

But it’s been hard for me. I have had to do a lot of growing and maturing and truly practice Love and Patience. At some point I initiated a conversation with bro and we made peace with all of the issues we’ve had since childhood. And since that conversation, he’s been nice to me… And I’ve been nice to him… But I was still looking forward to living on my own again…

I’m outside sitting at a Coffee Bean. I just didn’t want to be at home. I am my brother’s best friend and I’m going to either have to tell him to leave or possibly have the same issues I’ve had for over a year…

So… This is grown up stuff. Tough decisions, as Mr. President would say. Disappoint someone you Love or look out for yourself?

Wow… OMG. You will not believe what just happened. I just ran into this guy named Cupid and my brother right here at the Coffee Bean! Wow. I have to write more when I get home…

Wow. It’s the next day now. What a night. What a life. I have to tell you this story. Last night, in the course of two hours, my life just changed. I don’t know how much of life is our intention and our preparation and how much of it is just plain old chance, but I think it’s a combination of both.

Plain old chance, Grace, God, Mercy, Fate stepped in last night just as I was about to delve deep into a pity party. I was sitting at the Coffee Bean writing and when I looked out of the window, this guy was just staring at me. I looked back at him, and he didn’t make any motion or try to say anything. He just kept staring. But he looked familiar… Earlier this year, sometime before March, I had cut things off with My Almost One. I was sitting in my car in front of a grocery store crying and feeling sorry for myself. And then I went food shopping. When I got to the self check-out, there was this man just staring at me. I walked up to him, and for the life of me, I can’t remember what he said, but I remember how he felt. Peaceful and Loving. He said his name was Cupid. Yes. His real name was Cupid. He was kind of older, but not super old. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, but I had the feeling that he wasn’t going to call…

Well, I left the store and he never called, but it was OK with me. The next day I told my coworker about the experience. Heck, I may have even written it in this blog. It didn’t matter that the guy would never call. It didn’t matter that I would probably never be romantically involved with him. What mattered was his appearance in my life precisely at that moment. At the moment that I was losing hope and thinking that all men are mean pigs, I ran right into a man whose simple presence was uplifting, peaceful, and loving. It made me know that these kind of men exist in the world, too, and it was enough for me not to slip into despair.

Well, last night, after more than six months, on another side of town, Cupid was staring at me from outside of the Coffee Bean window. “Cupid?” I asked after walking outside to speak to him. “Hey,” he said. “How you been?” We ended up talking for about an hour and he walked me home. I told him about the situation with my brother. Not everything, though. I didn’t talk about our history or any details. I just told him that I had been looking forward to living by myself. He told me about a similar situation he had had with his sister, claiming that he and his sister’s energy clashed with one another. Then he said the thing that I was thinking but wouldn’t say for fear of sounding crazy. “You feel like you are a flower stuck in a pot when your brother is around,” he said. “And you spirit wants to be free to grow as it pleases”… He suggested that I listen to my Spirit when It talks to me…

“Are you an Angel?” I asked. “Something like that,” he replied… I don’t know if he’s an angel or a demon or a crazy guy who didn’t take his meds or a horny old man just trying to find out where I live, or just a regular person with a lot of outlandish notions, but it doesn’t even matter. What matters is that he blessed me. And when I got home, I said my prayers and I know exactly what I’m going to do.

To add icing to the cake, I checked my email last night. There was this fancy career-related program that I wanted to be a part of, but you can only get in by being nominated by particular nominating organizations. I am a member of one of the nominating organizations, and just yesterday my sister had asked me about this particular program. I had told her that I had asked my organization if they would nominate me, but the day that they were supposed to have announced their nominations had passed, so I didn’t think that they picked me. My organization had never really shown any signs of liking me that much, and although I felt like I was one of the most creative and talented people in the organization, I didn’t think I was the most skilled, I told my sister… Then I checked my email last night. “Hello Laydie. This is to confirm that you were nominated by such and such organization to such and such program. We wish you the best,” it read.

All kinds of ideas flashed through my head. I started crying. There is hope. There are possibilities beyond what I can imagine. What if I got into the program? I would work my butt off and put my all into it. This time I would be ready…

A very interesting thing my sister told me. Prior to this time in my life, I had been used to always winning. I didn’t even have to try. I would apply for the most competitive jobs and programs and I would miraculously get picked. School was easy. I got A’s without even studying. Men proposed to me without even knowing anything about me. I would go on game shows and win cars and trips and take adventures just based on pure chance. I have had a charmed life. But I didn’t know about losing up until this point in my life. It wasn’t until now that I learned that you could try and try and try at a thing and then just not get picked even though you are the most qualified. Or you could love with all your heart and not be loved back. Or you could think you’re going to win something and then just not win. And this part of my life has given me such a great lesson: Faith and Preparation.

At the end of the day, this is all we have to help us sleep at night.

I am learning that there is very little that we can control, but for any given situation, you can always ask, did I use all my skills and talents and knowledge and energy to work towards a certain end? And if you can say yes, then losing is OK. At least for me. As far as my career, this is the first time that I am actually trying my best. I am doing the work. And as far as my life, this is the first time that I am giving love a full-out chance by having a clear heart and learning how to communicate and be intentional. This is the first time that I am actually single, single, single and ready. And if I get into that program, it will be the first time that I will be fully prepared to take advantage of such an opportunity. My mind won’t be crazy any more. Discipline and hard work will no longer be strangers to me. I know about energy and how to always bring myself into a room and not be affected by others. I know about taking care of myself and where to go for nourishment. I can stand up for myself and still be kind. It’s not just in theory. I can push past my fears. I can push past rejection. I can get up and take action even when there is no evidence that my action will ever amount to anything. And I know how to accept good things now…

And I’m starting to believe that You had this thing all planned out, God. This part of my life has been quite an initiation. You have humbled me. And You have made me so kind. And You have taught me appreciation and gratitude. You have taught me how to connect with every living being and You are constantly showing me how to be myself in this world. And Lord, I didn’t break. I didn’t break. Through all of this, I didn’t get bitter and jaded. Even though I may have been walking very slowly at times and resting when I became too weary, I didn’t quit. And I can’t even take credit for any of that, because it has been You giving me kind words and encouragement and miracles just when I thought there was no hope. You have been on my team all along…

You are telling me that I have written enough words for this morning. They get the picture… “Rest assured that I am with you,” You say. “Enter now. The Land of the Living.”

…

And so it is. Ameen.

Day 362

The Land Of The Living