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Day 356 – Rest

August 26, 2014

I called in to work today. I’m not going in the rest of the week. Deleted the blog I just wrote. There was too much complaining in it. Nothing wrong with complaining when you have to. I just said I wasn’t going to do it anymore.

Suffice it to say that today and this week have been challenging. I shot the commercial this past weekend and interacted with all sorts of personalities. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a variety of viewpoints in my house at one time. The next day I spent hours, literally, talking to the different people I had worked with. Everyone had their concerns. This one lady was concerned about who was going to see the pictures of her daughters. One of the actors wanted to make sure he had enough camera time. One of the crew members was trying to hit on me and woo me as he dropped off some files…

I’ve been sitting in front of this computer for the past two hours trying to sort out my thoughts and trying to figure out what I’m going to do next with my life. I didn’t get into the filmmaking program that I really wanted to be a part of. So that changes everything. I thought that in September I would be working with the big wigs and learning from them and actually getting paid enough money to thrive in this city. Now that that’s not happening, I have to go back to the drawing board.

My current job only sustains me. It doesn’t move in any direction that I’m trying to go and I have very little left to give to it. BUt I promised myself that I would stay with it until I find a new source of income, so I’m not quitting yet. I’m not quitting yet, but God, this is hard for me.

All of this rejection, all of this uncertainty, years of just trying to catch up and no lasting success… It’s taking a toll on me and I’m beginning to feel a little discouraged and doubtful… I don’t want to step into the self-pity quicksand, and so I’m taking this week off so that I can sit still…

What do I have to do, Lord? What am I doing wrong? What should I do next? I just don’t know any more… Is there something I need to let go of? What is it? I don’t always know when to hold on and when to let go. I don’t always know which direction to walk. I know, though, that now is not the moment for me to sit still. And I also know that the One who will Guide me lives in my own Inner Consciousness…

– And You say that I know what to do.

It is taking so long, though, Allah.

– And You say that I have not even been on this path for a year yet.

But I am weary, Allah.

– And You say that I am strong.

But I am tired… I am tired.

And at last we agree on something.

– I will give you rest, You say. I will give you rest… Rest now. Rest.

Thank you… I put my head down on my arms. Police sirens outside fading away. Now birds chirping in the tree outside my window…

What are our options?

We can give up like most of the people on our planet. Forget about the things we dreamed of when we were young. Real Love and Commitment, Heroes, Making a Living doing what we Love… We can forget about passion. We can get a better job somewhere and just marry a man who will be nice to us. Don’t worry about Love and all that magical thinking like soul connectivity and all those abstract things that can’t be measured.

We can keep dreaming of this life that we have never seen, this soulmate phenomenal love, this debt-free existence, this world where our creative ideas and business ideas are received and implemented. We can keep trying to make this dream life a reality, but there is the possibility that this life we dream of is just a dream that will never come to pass for us, and time is passing.

This is called a crossroads. I am at a crossroads here. And You say that I don’t have to make a decision just yet. Wait until I am clear. That is the mistake most of us make. We rush and make choices that we are not sure about. Just wait. In the meantime, finish catching up. You have this whole week to finish. Finish organizing your home. Figure out exactly how much debt you have and then you can decide what needs to be done. Make good on all your past due promises. Finish making peace with all your past relationships. You are afraid to finish because you know that once you are finished catching up, you will have to choose.

It is a big responsibility. You can not say that I chose to give up because I had a child or I needed money or blah blah blah. And you can not say that I chose to follow my dream because there was no other choice. The choices are infinite. Yes, you will only be able to say that I chose to take a certain path because I chose to take a certain path. No one will be manipulating or coercing you. There is no man to blame and you can’t blame your mom anymore. It’s just you.

This is the reality of pure choice. You are the chooser. And although it may seem daunting, it is the most liberating thing to realize that you are living a life by design.

So take this time to rest, clear your mind, catch up on what you can catch up on, and figure out what debts remain. Take this time to decide what path you are choosing. This is such a vital step on this journey. Take this beautiful, blessed time to become very clear. Rest and be encouraged. Your life is just beginning.

Day 356


From → The Alive Part

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