Day 357 – Your Job

Hi There.

Good afternoon. I hope all is well. I have a session with my therapist friend in 37 minutes, so this won’t be long.

I wanted to write a bit and let you know that this week long sabbatical has been the best thing I’ve done for myself in almost a year. I went to my favorite park in town and my favorite restaurant in town yesterday. The trees and sweet smells nourished me. The fresh air rejuvenated me. The food… It was nice to eat something delicious and healthy that I didn’t have to cook.

Good Afternoon, Loves. Life is good. I said three more goodbyes in the past few days. It’s not that I have a whole bunch of men. I actually haven’t had a committed relationship in years. What happens, though, especially if you’re single for a while, is that you get all these “attachments”. You meet some guy and maybe you go and have coffee once or twice. Or walk together at the park a few times. You might kiss or hold hands or do nothing physical at all. But you talk. You imagine. You envision. At some point, you think about what it would be like to be his partner and maybe he thinks the same of you. And then something happens. Maybe it takes a week. A month. A day. A few months. Some fear sets in. He doesn’t answer one of your phone calls, or you don’t answer his. He finds out that you have guy friends that you read books to. You find out that he lied about something. A confrontation ensues. The air of peace and love dissipates. Distrust and resentment take over. And then you disappear. Or he disappears. Maybe there is a good cuss-out before the disappearance. Or maybe someone just starts ignoring the other. The one with the biggest ego always makes sure to say the most hurtful thing before the departure. Hardly is there ever a conversation where the two say, “I really had the time of my life with you, but because of such and such and such and such, I don’t think we could have a long term future. Thank you for everything. I learned all this stuff from being in your presence. I’m sorry for the damage I’ve done. May your path be Blessed.”

And life continues. Maybe. Mostly life goes on, but those people linger in your mind. As time passes, you think of how silly the argument you had was. You wonder what happened to such and such person if you really liked them. You wish you could have said sorry for something you did or you wish they could have said sorry. You think that maybe you are a better person now or they are a better person and maybe the two of you could actually work something out at this point. You don’t even remember what you had been fighting about and the person just sticks in your subconscious mind as a loss, a sadness, another reason to see life as ugly.

You will say that that’s the way life is, but life is the way you make it. We are not bystanders sitting back allowing all those “people out there” to create our life experiences. We are the people out there and the least we can do for ourselves is recognize that we have some say in how we live our lives. If you don’t make peace with your past, even though the person is gone, the attachment remains. The energy lingers. And it gets in the way. Sometimes we are even waiting, hoping, for someone from the past to come back and make things right. We dream of them. We keep their pictures. We replay our issues over and over again. And it gets in the way of anything new.

I’ve been on this mission for the past few months. I just want to let go of anything that gets in the way of the fulfillment of True Love in my life. And I want to say sorry. Because I am sorry. I want to make things good if I can. The silly men from my past usually don’t want to do anything good. They want to hold on to resentments and unforgiveness and keep doors open even though they know they will never step through them. They are committed to seeing themselves as “right” and everyone else as “wrong” at all costs. Their self-identity depends on it. And who am I to ask them to change who they are just so I can have peace of mind?

It is OK. It is OK for people to be on the paths they are on. This is what You mean by acceptance, isn’t it? It is OK if people don’t Love you or if they don’t like you. It’s OK if they don’t want to offer you compassion or understanding. Oh, I almost understand it..

Your job is not to try and change other people. Your job is to change yourself. It sounds so cliche, but I almost understand it. Your job is to allow yourself to be Loved, instead of putting up walls against it. Your job is to accept compassion, instead of saying no to all gifts. Your job is to create an environment where there is space for Love. And your job is to demand respect and Love and kindness from the people you surround yourself with. Everyone won’t want to give it to you. In fact, if you have fallen low into depression like I had, it’s most likely that most of the people in your inner circle don’t want to give it to you, and that’s part of the reason you’re so sad.

Your job is to say, “Excuse me. This will not do anymore. I need to be able to express Love and I need to receive it.” And your circle will change. They will leave or they will change and it will be because you have done your duty to yourself.

And you may be alone for a while. You may get sick for a while. Your body might break down and you may be plumb confused and crazy because your whole life paradigm is shifting. Do not loose faith. Above all else, keep doing your job. Keep honoring yourself. Keep saying sorry. Keep forgiving. Keep going to the places that nourish you and finding nourishment. Keep accepting the Love and kindness that you will find shows up from the strangest of places. And do not worry about the people who you thought were your people. They may be. But they may not be. Let them be who they are. They are on their own paths. And the ones who will walk with you in your fullness will find their way to you.

Oh please believe me. I know. Please believe me. I know. Please keep going. Please keep going. Please keep Loving yourself. Please keep Loving others. The world will try and break you. Bend, rest, repurpose, but do not break. Just keep doing your job. Keep wanting to live. Keep trying to live. Keep setting good intentions.

Life can be good, I promise. Just keep doing your job.

Day 357

Your Job