Day 360 – On Bravery

Hey There.

Good morning. I’m in a bit of a mood today. When I go to the doctor, they never diagnose me with the stuff I think I have. In fact, they never hardly diagnose me with anything at all. I should be glad, but sometimes it makes me a bit discouraged, because I know I’m not functioning at my best, but no one can tell me what’s wrong with me.

Anyway. Good morning. How are you? I’m having a bit of a hard time breathing right now, but I’m going to write through it. I think it’s anxiety, but, you know… So.

Let me tell you what happened last night. Something magical. I had been in the house all day. I actually got some work done, applied for some opportunities, and did a bunch of praying and meditating. By the time sun had set, I was beginning to feel a bit claustrophobic. My brother had told me that he was going to spend the night out for work. He hardly ever spends the night out, so this was new. My Almost One had reappeared in my life, and I was supposed to meet up with him last night, so I was slightly excited.

So, before sun set, my brother left and it was such a weird feeling. The apartment was empty. I mean, I have been home without him on many occasions, but him being gone for the night made it feel like, he was… gone. Is this what it’s going to be like when he leaves, I thought. I suddenly felt very lonely. The house was dark except for my room, and I could feel the absence of his presence. I missed him… But then, after a couple of hours, I didn’t. I felt a freedom. I wanted to get out of my room and decorate. My space was my space again and there were no longer corners of the house that I couldn’t enter. I could invite anyone over if I wanted to, and I had mixed feelings about that, because there weren’t many people who I wanted to invite over… But I still. If I wanted to, I could.

My date with My Almost One was in about an hour, and so I texted him to make sure we’re still on. He had told me that he’d be in another city earlier that day and would be back by the evening. He texted me back “I’m still in such and such city,” it read. -_-

Such and such city is a four hour drive from Los Angeles. When did he plan on telling me that he was going to cancel? I couldn’t breathe. About two minutes later, I got a phone call from some number I didn’t recognize. It was this guy I had met at the grocery store earlier this week. I had only given him my number because he was really assertive and kind of causing a scene in the grocery store line. His eyes were blood shot red. His lips were really dark. After giving him my number, he proceeded to argue with the cashier at the store over something trivial and snatch his change out of her hand. I made a mental note that I was never going to answer his calls.

I have this fantasy in the back of my mind. One day Dream Lover will call me and apologize for telling me all the wonderful things he did and then disappearing into thin air. He will give me all of the money that he had promised to give me (which by now is enough for me to purchase a small condo by the beach) and we will part in peace. I know this is a ridiculous fantasy, but it’s not an outlandish thing to expect from Dream Lover. His life is a fantasy. And because I think that maybe, possibly, one day he might call from some unknown Cali number (especially when I know he’s in Cali), I return all missed Cali calls who don’t leave a message.

Last night I returned the call. And it was crazy grocery store man. He wanted to go for a walk. My brother was gone for the night and My Almost One had flaked on our date. I was feeling particularly lonely and so I told him I’d call him back…

And then God stepped in. My neighbor called. I had had some dishes to return to him and he was ready to get them back. I went over his house and immediately he knew that something was wrong. We talked. Or rather, I talked. He listened. He has never tried to hit on me. He has never tried to get anything from me. He has always been honest with me. His house feels comfortable and lived in. Peaceful. He told me about a new school that just opened up the street. He knows the principal, he said. They are looking for English teachers. I’m a certified English teacher… He doesn’t try and cheat on his girlfriend, even though she’s countries away.

He gives things. He is the opposite of the kind of man I’ve known most of my life. Most of them have been takers, only looking to see what they can get from a situation. And if they give to a woman, they only give because they want something from you. He’s a giver. And even though he’s not my man, he’s my friend. And that means a lot.

When I came home, I told grocery store man that I wasn’t going for a walk after all…

The new life beckons, but it is marked by the death of the old. I will not lie. These are frightening times. My brother is leaving, and although I feel the freedom and lightness of him being gone, I also realize that I may be home alone. We must be brave now.

I have always thought I was brave, but in reality I am only considered brave because I am not afraid of the things most people are afraid of. This scares me. The possibility of loneliness horrifies me. Let us stop believing that everything will be easy. No. This path is designed to shake you up to the core. I take a moment to breathe. I find the place in me that knows deep down that this is all worth it. This lonely time, this interim, this falling apart, is exactly what happens when you initiate a major life change. Do not be discouraged. Do not run back to the old life. You know that that life is no good for you anymore. Be brave and keep walking forward. Just keep walking and keep breathing. Be brave, ok? Be Brave…

Day 360

On Bravery