Day 354 – In The Beginning (Choice)

I have been away for some time. Sorry.

The momentum of the changes I am experiencing have overwhelming and I have not been able to go inwards in over a week.

But yesterday I prayed. And today I’m writing again. Where shall I start?

Men? I walked down the street last week with my body trembling. I had released He Who Came Before. I couldn’t convince myself of a really good reason why I hadn’t chosen him. All I knew is that I didn’t want to. My body had been trembling for two days straight and I decided to go outside, take a walk and run some errands in my neighborhood. I was on my way to a restaurant and passed a man as I turned the corner. “Excuse me,” he said. I kept walking. “Excuse me,” he said. “Can I talk to you?”

I stopped and talked to him. He decided to join me on my walk and we ended up having dinner together.

And everything changed, just like that. For three days in a row, I couldn’t sleep at night. My connection with him was so intense. He had never been in my house, yet I could feel his presence around me all the time. And then I began to feel everything and everyone I interacted with. It’s never happened to me on this level before. If I came across an excited person, I felt excited. If someone was depressed, I became depressed and dark. At work, there was an overwhelming resignation that tugged at my spirit. I felt powerless and at the whim of all the energies I came across. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t even read my books.

It was beyond drowning. It was like a bright light had flashed and I had become blinded by everything. All I could do was cover my eyes and breathe… And so that’s what I did.

And yesterday the blindness ended. I had a meeting about the grievance at my job. After about three months of passing a grievance through different levels at my job, I finally reached the last level. And do you know what they told me? They told me that I couldn’t file a grievance on this issue. They told me that the letter I was grieving about, an inaccurate letter that my supervisor wrote and then asked me to sign, would be put in my temporary file unsigned and would stay there for a year. There was nothing I could do about it.

I left the meeting and called in sick the rest of the day. I came home and took a shower. I washed and washed and washed myself and I cried. Who was I? What had become of my life? Why had I had so many broken relationships, as the new guy asked? What was I doing here? At this job? In this place? What had become of my life and who was this shell of the woman I used to be?

When I got out of the shower, I was able to pray. And so I prayed. For hours. I prayed. I don’t even know what I prayed for. I didn’t pray for answers or things or change. I just prayed so that I could feel something other than what I was feeling. I prayed so that I could be something other than what I was being. I prayed for my life. Robin Williams had just killed himself. He had just killed himself because he saw no other way out. But I didn’t want to kill myself. I wanted to find a way back to life and I was crazy enough to believe that there was a way to find a way back to life.

And so I gave thanks for being crazy. Last night, after going through a week’s worth of tug-of-war with this new guy, we met up in peace. We sat and had dinner together. I told him about some of the things I was going through and he became protective over me. I have not felt protected by a man who has had romantic interest in me for a while. “I’m into you,” he said. We agreed that whether we became a couple or not, we would be good to each other. I think he just might be cool enough to keep his word.

Today I called in to work again. I needed to pray some more. I needed to answer some more questions. Who was I now? Who am I being? What am I doing? And where should I go from here? Is this new guy my husband? Should I build with him yet? He’s nothing like the guys I usually like. He’s not famous or super successful or rich. He doesn’t have an ex-wife or children or some girl he’s emotionally entangled with, like every single guy I’ve ever had a serious relationship with did. He is just beginning to live his life to the fullest and figure out what he wants to do with himself, and that’s OK with me. Up until now, I never realized the beauty of interacting with someone who is not moored to something. There is the opportunity to dream and build together… Wow.

When I asked him where he wants to live for the rest of his life, he said “wherever you want to live.” It was just a flirtatious response, but a part of me knows that this man would actually “Travel the Ends of the Earths” with someone he loves, like Dream Lover had only spoken of doing years ago. He’s available. On the inside. He’s available on the inside! He’s available… Like my Saturday mornings: easy and free and deep. And in this past week, I see that he has a rare characteristic of the alchemists. He has the ability to choose who he is becoming instead of leaning upon who he has been.

He has the ability to wipe the slate of his life clean and start at the beginning, and today I am feeling into that energy. I’m not in Love yet, and it is very possible that I may never be in Love with him, but I am at the beginning. My attachments to the past are becoming less and less and I am seeing where my suffering was coming from: a lack of choice.

I had been holding on to a woman who is no longer me. I had been tarrying in relationships that had run their course long ago. I had had one foot in Heaven and the other on Earth and I had been wearing shoes that I had long outgrown. I had been afraid to let go of who I had been for the hope of the blessing of who I am becoming. And as I write these words, the fear still exists, but the faith has finally become stronger than the fear and the lessons of the past can finally be implemented into this stubborn girl’s life.

I am choosing Love again. Not just in Words. I am choosing Passion again. Again and again. I am choosing Truth again and Receptivity and Availability and Openness and Strength and Cleanliness. I am choosing Purity and Patience. I am choosing to be the biggest nerd ever and have Integrity. I am choosing Spiritual Power and I am choosing a good life at Last. I am coming Home to myself at Last…

Thank You, God.

Day 354

In The Beginning (Choice)