Well,
I’ve been trying not to write about sad things so when I get started on a blog and it’s just a lot of depression, I delete it. But about four days have passed since I’ve wanted to write, and I’ve just written several entries and then pushed delete, so I think I’ll just publish this one, no matter how it comes out.
Depression has been courting me. Big time. I wonder if there’s ever going to be a time in my life when all of this is over. I wonder if there’s ever going to be a time when all of my bills are paid on time and I don’t have any major debts and my car is fully insured and I have no tickets anywhere… I wonder if there’s going to be a time where I’m actually a published writer and I make movies and teach stuff and help develop programs and organizations. I wonder if there’s ever going to be a man who just loves me, as crazy as I am, and is just there for me and is good to me. I wonder if there will ever be beautiful children and a backyard with a fruit tree. I wonder if my excitement for life will ever last for more than a week at a time… I wonder if happiness will ever be a normal state of mind.
In one week, Sir Deplier and I hung out three times. The last time, he came over and made the sweetest, healthiest breakfast for me. It was weird, though. He didn’t have enough money to buy the breakfast he wanted and he was kind of overwhelmed by all of the immediate changes that he has to make to acclimate himself to the states. I was nervous because him coming over to make breakfast for me seemed like a date, and not just two friends hanging out. Both of us were guarded and kind of mean to each other. We criticized each other… They were little things compared to the mean things people can say to each other, but compared to the innocent, supportive friendship that we had started building, criticizing each other was a big thing… When he left my apartment, he sent me a facebook message. His phone is disconnected, so he can’t call. In the message, he expressed his excitement about getting to know me and also said he had a good time and hoped that I had had a good time as well.. He invited me on another outing this weekend. He hasn’t said “I’m into you”. He hasn’t said “let’s date.” He hasn’t tried to kiss me or do anything physical with me. He checks me out when he thinks I’m not looking, but he always look into my eyes, or rather into my soul, when I talk…
It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel sad. He thinks I”m this awesome woman. Will he disappear when he finds out that sometimes I can’t get off the bed no matter how hard I try? He’s only seen the goofy, outgoing, adventurous, sweet side of me so far. He thinks I’m a free-spirited type, and I am, but will he run away when he discovers that I’m probably not going to have sex with him unless we get married? Sigh… What if he thinks I’m boring? I don’t dress up and flirt like the French girls do. I wear my sexiness underneath my long dresses and skirts, not on my sleeve, and only a discerning eye can recognize it. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s just trying to play me because he’s new to the U.S. and he needs help with stuff?
I am full of fear. I don’t know if I want to to do the man thing anymore, God. I am so afraid of getting hurt. Sigh… I see that I have been sitting here in my cave for the past month or so, with my books and my sage and green juice. I’ve been doing stretches, going to doctor’s appointments and watching all episodes of whatever TV series… I haven’t really want to deal with the land of the living. Like a friend of mine said, I kissed the sky and it punched me in the face.
The Old Prophet… Well… It was too much. Ours was not the most hurtful relationship I have ever been in, but somehow it was just too much. I can’t do hurt anymore. I can’t do mean anymore. I can’t do lies and betrayal and abandonment and deceit anymore. I can’t do withholding love anymore. I can’t do putting each other down and selfishness anymore. “I’ve been hurt too many times, I’ve been torn apart too many times before…” I can’t do rejection anymore. I can’t do the whole broken hearted thing anymore. So I’ve been in my cave. Hiding. From all the mean things in the world. It’s peaceful here. There’s healing here. There is no one poking at me or getting mad at me for just being myself. There is no man trying to use me as a tool for his secret agenda… Friends and family come by every now and then and bring me chicken soup and sage and green juice… It is safe here. But I can’t stay here forever. Things will not move forward if I do not move forward. Sigh…
How does one get back to the land of the living after one has been traumatized? How does one get back to one’s dreams after one has failed and failed again? Should I be like the others and just settle? Should I just settle for a man who makes me feel like he’s never going to hurt me, even if I’m not really that into him? Should I just settle for a job that’s good enough and that pays enough, even if it means I will never quite live my dream life? My dreams are so big. Maybe they are unattainable. Who does that anyway? Who actually marries someone and both of them are truly in love with each other and both of them spend a lifetime being good to each other? Who actually gets the dream career that they had when they were a kid? Who does that? Most of the people who come from where I come from don’t do that…
As I am writing out all of these doubts and fears, something deeper in me is saying, “Girl, get over it. None of this is true for you.” The voice I hear is funny. It has an attitude, like me. “I know you don’t want to be strong,” it says. “I know you want to act like you’re all weak and stuff, and I know you’re going through a really hard time, the hardest time ever, but let’s face it. You’re strong. That’s just it. You’re just strong, Laydie. Be yourself, now. Free yourself, now.” “I know you want people to feel sorry for you, but there are other ways to get love. Love is here already…”
– We are not going to sink. We are not going to settle. And we are not going to fall apart without getting back up. We are not going to deny our strength and our brilliance. Our life doesn’t end here. You know it, Laydie. Close your eyes. You know your life doesn’t end here. So you pick up whatever motivation you can pick up. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for your mom. And if you can’t do it for your mom, then do it for your friends and family who still look up to you. And if you can’t do it for them, then do it for all the assholes who thought you weren’t shit and refused to see that this is just a phase. And if you can’t do it for them, then do it for your unborn children. And if you can’t believe in unborn children, then just do it anyway. Do it because deep down within you, beyond all your doubts and fears, you know you can. Deep down, beyond the grasp of depression… Deep down, beyond all of the hurt and failure you have ever experienced… Deep down, out of the reach of your fears and doubts… Deep down, you know that you are stronger than you think you are. Deep down, you know that your story doesn’t end here and you know that there is at least one thing you can do to move yourself forward today. Just one thing. Even if you don’t want to do it, even if you don’t feel like doing it, even if it makes you cry and hurts your body and you throw up and trip on your shoelace as you’re walking out of the front door, deep down you know that you can finish that one thing today.
It doesn’t matter how long you have been “stuck” at this place. It doesn’t matter how far behind you have gotten. Deep down you know that there is still hope for you and your life. Now is the doing part. Now is the warrior part. Nobody said you have to smile and be all happy in the land of the living. Even if you can’t smile, you can still do stuff. Deep down we know that. We can still make it out of this place. Eventually the smiles will come. We know that. We know that…
Ameen.
Day 377
Deep Down (What We Know)
A very interesting morning.
I spent the past few hours with the Vibrant One. I don’t have a name for him yet, as I don’t know where he fits or where he is going to fit in this puzzle called my life. Sir Exigent, maybe? No. Perhaps I will call him The Unfolder. But in French because his first language is French. Sir Deplier. It fits. Don’t ask me why he must be a Sir, but something about him seems like the knights of old: Sure and Brave, Flawed yet Convicted…
I am at my alma mater now, in one of the old fashioned libraries. Some trusting student just asked me to watch her computer. I guess I should be flattered. People always ask me to watch their stuff when they walk away and go to bathrooms. Why don’t they ever think I’ll steal their stuff?
But I digress. I can always tell when life is changing by the people who enter and exit my personal circle. This new guy, Sir Deplier, is someone who I had met once a year ago. He was visiting a friend of mine and my friend invited me, Sir Deplier, and my sis out for the evening. We all went out to eat and then we went dancing. Sir Deplier and I had a really good time. We both speak French, so I was talking to him in French most of the night and just joking around. When the night was over, we said goodbye and parted ways. He was returning to his native country in a few days and said that at some point he was going to come back to LA and relocate here. I didn’t think much of it. He was a cute and nice guy, but too far away for me to even consider the possibility of any kind of relationship with him. But we became Facebook friends. Less than a week ago, just as I was coming out of my deep dark depression and writing about warrior things, I got an email from him on Facebook. He said he was back in LA and wanted to meet up for a coffee.
So we met. We had tea, not coffee, and talked about the meaning of life. He had moved to LA in order to realize a childhood dream. We sat across a table from each other, and after he had told me about all of the hopes and fears that are typical of an immigrant life and expressed his deepest heart’s desires, he asked, “Do you believe in me?” A rush of energy flooded my belly and rose up to my head. Yes, I said. I did. I did believe in him. It was the weirdest thing. I had agreed to go with him this morning to help him get a California ID card and we prayed together before he left.
That was two days ago, and in between then and now, I had to stop and think about things. These men can just come up in your life and have you going crazy if you let them, so I had to assess what was going on here. Who was this guy and what was he doing in my life? What did he want? He hadn’t really hit on me during our coffee date, although he was very clear that he likes me as a person. The old me would have called him or sent him a text asking about his intentions for me, but for some reason, I decided not to go that route this time. Because, for once, his intentions for me really didn’t matter. God and I are the directors of my life, so the real question was, what were my intentions for me and was interacting with him in alignment with the goals I had set for my own life?
I prayed about it, and the Lord said that yes, interacting with him was a good thing. For once, I didn’t decide whether or not I wanted to marry a guy within two days of meeting him. For once, I didn’t already put him in a place. For once, I am relaxing and allowing life to unfold. And this can be a tricky thing to do. Because we want things. I want a husband and kids and a family. And I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I don’t want to make him my husband if he’s not my husband. And I will know if he is my husband or where he fits into my life once more information is presented…
And I don’t know what is happening to me. I am different now.
More than being excited about the possibility of having a potential husband in my life, I am excited about the possibility of having reciprocal conversations with someone. Today we walked around town like two young college friends, speaking our hearts, joking and telling our life stories. At one point I didn’t want to share certain information with him and he said, “Why not free yourself and give it all?” and I understood. I have met someone who is at the same place at the same time as me. We are different, of course, but we can speak the same language, we can pray together and we can both understand the necessity of making wholehearted decisions. Nothing else will really do at this point.
That’s what today’s blog is about. It has taken me more than twenty years to figure this out. They have written about it in books for years and I finally get it. Decisions. Where there is conflict in one’s decision, there is conflict in one’s life. I see it every day. I see it in my own life. You are never really free if you want to stop and you want to move at the same time. Your mind stays in dissonance and your life reflects it. And if you have a life partner who is conflicted about being with you, it is reflected in your relationship. They will cheat or lie or keep secrets or be unhappy or not give you all of themselves, etc…
Being able to make a real decision and stick to it until you have done all you can do to accomplish it is one of the major secrets to success and I have finally come to the place where I am able to do this. And God, You have sent me a Friend, at least. I have met an equal, another sure-footed warrior who’s choices are unwavering, another Brave soul who follows Your voice. I have met someone who is a respecter of life…
It has just been one moment in time, but it is enough to give me enough hope to take me to the next moment in time, wherever it may be and whoever it may be with.
There is an unfoldment taking place. I have never lived like this before. I have never just done my part and trusted and let life unfold.
Before we parted today, Sir Deplier asked me what I would like for my life. “Love and Success,” I said. Then he made an offering. He said he prays for Health and Peace for me, and that I should take care of my Success and Love will follow… I believe him.
And I am grateful. Today is a day to celebrate. The day you can look back at all you have been through in your life and realize that all of that is over… all of that is over… all of that is over… all of that is over…. A new life is unfolding. The day you can look back at all you have been through in your life and realize that all of that is over and a new life is unfolding is a day to celebrate.
Let’s celebrate. We are finally here now. We are finally in the moment and in the process without looking forward or backwards. We are here. Now. It’s a good thing. Thank you, God. It’s a good thing.
Ameen.
Day 376
The Unfoldment
Hi there!
I have been trying to post a blog for a few days now, but every time I get ready to publish, it freezes.
My body is tingling everywhere. How is it possible that I’m on sick leave from work, I’ve been in my house for the majority of the time for the past few weeks, there are very few people in my personal circle, and yet so much happens in a day? So much happens in a day.
We are energetic beings, each one impacting the other, and I am smiling and tingling right now because a vibrant soul reached out to me via email today. I am electrified by the thought of the possibility of being around vibrant people again. And I am grateful just for this thought. Thank you, God.
I don’t have a topic in mind yet, except that I want to write a blog today and finish it. Since my last writing, I have only been breaking down more and more, crying over this, that and the other. Who would have thought there was so much to cry about? This is what happens when you repress all of your emotions and feelings for years and years. One day, if you’re lucky, it comes out. And I am lucky. I am glad that everything is finally coming out… Whew…
Let’s start again, shall we? Shall we do warrior things now? I had given up on warrior things long ago because I was tired of being strong and responsible and always being the one everyone relied on and not having anyone to rely on myself. But my sickness has taught me something. There are people in the world that I, too, can rely on. They are warriors just like me! I had to reach out to them in my darkest hour, because I knew that only strong and wise and Loving people could help and so I let myself be vulnerable and I reached out. And I found out that I am Loved. And I am not alone. I found out that God is Gracious after all and even warriors can be Loved.
And so now that I don’t have to associate being a warrior with being alone and unsupported, I think I can give this weak chick stuff a break and get back to doing warrior things again. I’ve been out of practice, but I still remember how to push through and keep walking when your mind starts filling you with doubts. And I still remember how to get off the bed even when you’re depressed or tired. I remember how to pray! Oh, do I know how to pray! And I remember how to Love and be open even when I’m scared. I remember bravery. And I remember the days, once upon a time, when I used to get things done.
It is time to return. It is time to fight for what we believe in and who we are. But our way is not the way of the sword. Our way is the way of Truth and Love and Faith. Not cotton candy popcorn Truth, but the kind of Truth that can see a seemingly broken woman lying on the bed crying her life away and tell her with conviction that she is not broken! The kind of Truth that can stay a steady course, unwavering, even as one’s body falls apart. The Kind of Love that can and must and will Forgive everything, cast no judgement and yet honor oneself. And the kind of Faith that stands up tall even in the darkest night, knowing that victory is indeed ours.
These are Warrior Things, and I am an initiate. Allah, from this day forward, I fight for my life. Yes, I fight. I accept Power. I accept Strength. I accept Responsibility. I choose to be responsible again. I accept Progress and Success. I choose to move forward in life again, and never backwards. I am willing to release the past. I am willing to release all that is does not serve the Highest Possible Good for all involved. I am willing to be Divinely guided and I am willing to follow Guidance once received…
There is so much to write about. I am learning a lot. I am humbled. I am grateful to be alive. The world can be hard, but it can be Lovely, too. People can be mean, but you can be surprised by kindness from places least expected. Today I recommit myself to the land of the living. With your permission, God, I breathe New Life into my weary bones. I stand up and walk as the Warrior Queen that You designed me to be: gentle, fragile, kind, so loving, peaceful, strong, powerful, balanced, wise. A new Life is being birthed. A new self-identity is blossoming. We are whole. All parts of us now embark on a new journey. Even the sadness has its place. The mystic in us awakens. The alchemists collects her tools. The dancer stretches. The leader stands tall. The sweet child finds comfort in her other warrior peoples. As Sade says, we didn’t suffer in vain. No… The angels sing. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. The angels sing, and I sing, too.
Hallelujah.
Ameen.
Day 375
Warrior Things
Hi.
Good afternoon. It’s just about 3:00 pm and I’m sitting at my desk in my living room in my apartment in the middle of Los Angeles.
My desk is in my living room now. My desk has been in my bedroom since I moved into this apartment three years ago, as I have almost always shared the apartment with someone else. I used to spend most of my time in my room or in the kitchen, but now that I live alone, I have discovered that I actually have a whole apartment that I can roam around in! And the living room and little office space seem more appropriate to work in than my bedroom. I like the living room.
My home is becoming a sanctuary of sorts, and I have been hiding out here for the past two weeks. My dining room table is covered with fresh sage that a dear friend brought for me, and my kitchen smells like the flowers that my sis and bro-in-law left in the courtyard recently.
I am feeling Blessed and Loved and Grateful.
In the past couple of weeks I have left the apartment to go to doctor’s appointments and run necessary errands, but mostly I have been home praying, reading, eating nourishing foods, taking care of my skin and hair, watching the final season of my new TV obsession and crying my soul out.
I know. I have been crying a lot for a long time, but it’s OK with me. When I embarked on this journey, I didn’t really know what I was getting into. I was just trying to find a way not to cry every day. I didn’t realize that I would be led to an exploration of the deepest parts of myself and that my healing would entail me confronting and releasing resentments and pains that I have harbored for as long as I can remember. We’re talking about unforgiveness that has been in me since I was a little girl… It has all been coming up and there has been a lot to cry about.
What happens is, you open a can of worms. Most of us like to keep the can shut because we know that whatever is in there might make us feel uncomfortable. But whether you look at your deep-seated issues or not, they are still there. And although we can live relatively normal lives without really dealing with the things that keep our faces frowned and our foreheads furrowed all day; without really looking at the things that make us want to be so busy doing things just so we don’t have to be alone with our thoughts, eventually life gives us a blessing and some small thing makes us crack. It’s normally something that we’d never think would make us crack. I mean, we’ve been through tougher things.
Why would me breaking up with The Old Prophet cause me to be balling my eyes out for hours at a time? I’ve never actually weeped like that in my life. And I wasn’t even in love with him! What happened to me in the past couple of weeks, though, is that I cried for everyone and everything that I had never cried for before. My heart was busted open for real and every man who had ever uttered a word of Love to me, every fantasy of being anyone’s wife, came flashing before my eyes. Every one. And I felt the separation and the loss of so many connections.
The last image that flashed before my eyes was my first love. And I realized that I had never cried over him. Can you believe it? We were together for seven years. I fell in Love with him from the moment I had seen him. I was 16 years old and working as a cashier at a department store at the time and he was ten years my senior. He came to my cash register and said, “Yo. I like your vibe.” It was the first time I had heard the word vibe, but for some reason I felt bold and womanly with him standing across from me. “Vibe?” I asked while looking directly into his big, brown eyes. “What’s that?” We just stood there and looked at each other for a moment. Deep in each other’s eyes. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. I lied and told him I was 19 and studying English at the college. We exchanged numbers. We called and talked for hours that night, and the next day, while I was in the stock room of the department store, he walked in and gave me a big hug. I hurried him out and then he gave me letter. A Love letter. I don’t remember it all, but I remember this line “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I want you in my future.”
It was the first love letter that I had ever received and he was my First Love. He was my first everything. He’s hardly even been mentioned in this blog, but he was my everything. Our relationship started off as pure love, but before it was over it was only characterized by pain and he set the tone for every relationship that I’ve had since. He did all of the horrible things that you can imagine a man could do to hurt a woman: cheat, threaten, lie, belittle, call names, disappear, take my money, try to sabotage me, etc. I didn’t grow up seeing what a healthy relationship between a man and woman looked like and he was my first boyfriend, so I didn’t really know that I was in a dysfunctional abusive relationship until I was deep in it. During one of his disappearances (he was in the army and had gone overseas and just stopped writing or calling and didn’t respond to my letters or calls) a lovely woman called me on his behalf. She said that he had asked her to give me his address. She gave me the address, and it was the same address that I had been writing to for months with no response. “What is your name?” I asked the woman. “My name is Mrs. Such and Such,” she responded. “I’m a friend of Him.”
I knew then that he had been getting my letters and I decided to continue with life. In the space of a year I met a sweet guy, the best relationship I’ve ever been in. He was nice to me. He Loved me. We would walk in the rain together and draw pictures together. He would come by my place with cakes and say, “Let’s celebrate. It’s Tuesday!” We were both in school at the time and we studied together. When I would get tired or lazy, he’d come by my place late at night and make tea so that I would stay up and finish my assignments. He knew the story of my First Love. And a year into our relationship, my first love called and asked me to come see him. It had been more than a year since I had heard from him. I was torn, and because I didn’t know what to do, I broke up with my Good Guy and went and saw First Love. I found out that the woman who had called me long ago and had given me his address was actually the women who he had met overseas and married. Years later, I would find out that the two of them also had a son…
I eventually broke up with First Love. The last straw was when I had graduated from college. It was my first year as a teacher and by now he was out of the army and he was a truck driver. We had gotten into an argument and he was going ballistic, cursing and telling me all of the harmful things he could do to me. I went to my bedroom and locked the door. I immediately called my best friend and asked her to call and check on me in fifteen minutes and to call the cops if I didn’t answer. While I was on the phone, he picked the lock to my room and came charging at me. He snatched the phone from my hands and hung it up, cursing at me. I was afraid, but from him I had learned how to curse out men and I had learned that the worst thing that you can do when you’re around a power drunk man is to cower. And so I cursed him back and I must have struck a nerve because he came charging at me again. Just then my phone rang. “Hello officer,” I said. It was my best friend on the other line. “Yes, officer, he just charged at me,” I said.
And then my first love left as I stayed on the phone with my best friend reporting a crime which, thanks to God, never happened. And it was over. Except it wasn’t. I never cried over him. I wouldn’t let myself. And every relationship I have been in since has just been another rendition of my first. Some guy. Some instant love at first sight attraction. Some wonderful heartfelt words. Some action that is almost complete but not quite there. Some resentment. Some mistrust. Some name calling, cheating, abandonment, etc. Some disappointment.
It’s the same old story over and over again. This time it was an Old Prophet who thought he knew what Love was but has only just begun to practice what he preaches. The common thread in all these stories is me. You see, I know that there are women in the world who could never even fathom having the types of relationship experiences that I have had, just as I could never fathom experiencing the things they have been through. If nothing else, the part I have played in all of my First Love recurrent relationships is that I chose to be with them. I chose them. I was never forced or hypnotized. I. Chose. Them. And if we want to get all psychological about it, really what happened is that I chose men who reflected the dynamic that I had with the original man that I loved, who actually wasn’t my first love, but was my brother (not in an incest type way). My brother was the first guy that I had a deep connection with. And he was the first guy to completely ignore me for three months with no explanation when I eleven years old and I had done something he didn’t approve of…
This is the longest blog I have ever written, but I’m not gonna edit or delete it, because I have finally gotten to the root of it all. The First Cause. The First Pain. The First Break. Can you believe that in all of the years since breaking up with First Love (more than a decade) I have never cried over him until a few days ago? And it was only a few months ago that I had finally made peace with my brother…
I remember walking with a friend once, telling him about all of my sad stories. “Laydie, you’re going to be a great teacher one day,” he said. He said that everything that I’m going through is going to be relevant because one day I’m going to help people who are going through similar things and the only way I’m going to be able to help them is because I’ve been through it.
And I agree. I am already a great teacher and I’m getting even better. My heart has broken open at last. Oh, yes! My heart broke open like never before the other day. And guess what I found there? There was so much caked up pain, like ashes. Like rotten cotton balls. No wonder I couldn’t breathe. I cried and cried and cried until the ashes fell away, until the cotton balls and their stench were no more. And guess what I found? My heart! It was still there. There was a diamond at the center shining so brightly. It was still there. I was not broken after all, but I had to let go of all of the stuff I had been carrying for all of those years in order to finally see it.
I am not broken after all. And what’s more, my heart is free again. And what’s more, my mind is clearing up and I can take all of my experiences and make them useful now… There are underlying vibrations that we carry that thwart our very best intentions. If you are having trouble moving forward in life, look for the First Cause. It is always deeper than you think it is and looking at it can be painful. But the pain doesn’t last and the good thing is, once you release the original pain, it never comes back. It really doesn’t. You want me to prove it and I understand. But I know what I know, and I’m telling you what I know. The pain goes, but you have to let it go. You have to let it out and just let it go. I know, you want them to pay. Trust me. They pay every day just by being themselves in their shoes. Trust me. They have paid. Now release them. Allow life to flow again. The pain goes and you will find yourself whole and unbroken. And Free. To Live at Last.
Ameen.
Day 374
The Unbroken
Good morning,
I haven’t been able to sleep all night. I’ve been tossing and turning… I deleted the last two entries that I made here. I’ve never done that before, but they were just so crazy… I didn’t want them.
I can believe that life is this good.
Folks, we have entered the real land of the living. I have been going through so many changes in the past month. Usually it takes a whole year for me to have this much activity. A brief recount:
– I broke up with the Old Prophet for several reasons, but mainly because he treated me like shit when I needed him.
– I got really, really sick (physically), sicker than I’ve ever been in my life. I got diagnosed with an incurable illness and almost died. I became really depressed.
– I got undiagnosed with the incurable illness. (I should sue the doctors for the mental trauma they put me through, but I won’t, because I’m just so happy not to have the sickness they thought I had). I’m still not feeling well, though, and doctor’s still don’t know what’s wrong with me.
– I went and saw all 23 of the family members and people I lived with growing up. We celebrated my brother’s graduation. The city I come from is very different than the city I live in. My lifestyle is very different than the lifestyle I grew up in. I am far, far away from home, and yet, upon returning to my room and my windows with the birds chirping, I realize that this is home, too. I Love having the space and the freedom to be exactly who I want to be…
– Prior to all of this major shifting, I had gone to see the alternative health practitioner that I go to see sometimes. She specializes in releasing cellular density and helping to clear one’s vibrational field. I blame her for all the changes that have taken place since I saw her, but I’m glad I saw her. There is an ugly side to healing that people don’t talk about. That’s what this morning’s blog is about.
So here we are. World, I have been breaking down in a serious way. But I am not broken. I asked for all of this. You know the saying. “I asked for Strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.”
Getting well is a catch 22. When you are depressed or sick, all you want to do is sleep or cry or lash out. And yet those very things are the things that will keep you depressed or sick. If you want to get out of depression, you can’t sleep all day. You have to get off the bed and face your problems. You have to move in a direction of resolving things. And it hurts. It’s hard. People don’t act the way you want them to, you become overwhelmed by emotions, you find out that you are not as nice as you thought you were, or that some people who you thought Loved you only Love you if… Your body does all kind of weird things, like trembling or throwing up or getting super tired for no good reason. And there are so many tears. You don’t want to read books about healing. You don’t want to go out in the world where it’s dangerous and someone else may hurt you. You don’t want to go for your dreams any more, because what if someone else rejects you? You don’t want to cry anymore. You are tired of crying…
And don’t get me started about getting well while one is sick. When you are sick, you don’t want to eat. You don’t want to exercise. You don’t want to drink water. Medicine tastes disgusting and you don’t want to take it. You don’t want to go outside. Yet, you have to do those very things in order to get well.
I understand all of this. I have lived it. I am living it now… The birds on the tree outside of my window just started to chirp. I didn’t think they’d be here this morning because it rained all night. But they are here.
It’s 7:06 am and we are talking about what to do about the ugly side of healing. What do you do when you know that you have such a long way to go? When the bills keep coming but the income doesn’t? When you are sick and doctors can’t tell you what’s wrong and the healing you have experienced has come from alternative healers who essentially tell you that you have to change your entire life to get well? What do you do when you know who you are and yet you know that you are not living your life in the fullness of who you are? What do you do when your heart is broken and you are disappointed with the world? What do you do when you can barely walk for ten minutes without experiencing extreme exhaustion, and yet you have to walk for thirty minutes in order to accomplish what you need to accomplish for the day? How do you get off the bed and take your medicine?
This is the part where we move from theory and talking to action. I have finally come to a place where my life depends on taking action on what I know. And here’s what I know: There is more to life than meets the eye. In the midst of your darkest hour, there is choice. This is powerful. We have been thinking we are victims all of this time, but it is not true. There is choice! Listen to this, please. There is choice. You can choose to keep moving forward. You can choose to keep Loving and to keep your heart open. It won’t make sense. Your mind will give you every reason to quit and get a safe job. It will give you every reason to settle for a romantic partner who doesn’t make you feel vulnerable (or who doesn’t make you feel anything for that matter).
But you don’t have to settle. You don’t have to give up on your dreams. You don’t have to resign yourself to being sick for life and just taking medications that treat your symptoms. You don’t have to stay caught up in a constant sea of drama and misery. Step back from it all. Step back from all of it and look at your life. Look at your life as if you were watching yourself in a movie. Here is this character (you) with certain issues. They have certain goals and objectives. They have secret longings that no one knows about. They have things that they would like to heal. But they are at a place that is hard for them. They are at a crossroads. What would you tell them to do next? Would you tell them to rest? Would you tell them to let go of certain relationships? Or to move somewhere else and change their environment? Would you tell them to keep walking in the direction they are walking? If you were watching the movie of your life would you let the main character know that everything is going to be OK? Would you tell him or her that they are stronger than they know?
I am watching the movie of my own life, and as a writer who knows about story structure, I know exactly where I am. I am in the second act and I am nearing the climax. It is the part where the main character has been faced with certain obstacles and they have to overcome them. It is the part right before Harry Potter becomes Harry Potter. It is the part right before Fraulein Maria returns to the Von Trapp family in Sound of Music. It is the part where one decides whether they are going to move forward in the fullness of who they are or whether they are going to quit and choose another life path. There are major obstacles to overcome and the overcoming of said obstacles help to build the character that will be necessary to sustain the lifestyle that one is calling forth…
Now is not the time to quit. I am there already. I am there already. I am on the other side of happy already. I am in the land of the living already, scuffed and scarred by the journey, weak but still alive. And Grateful to be here. I am Grateful to be here, God. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I can sit in a warm room and write until my emotions are cleared up and my mind is free. I am Grateful for all of the Healers and friends and family and birds and children and Lovers who have accompanied me up until now. I am even Grateful for the ones who have not Loved me and taught me how to Love myself. I am Grateful. I see the ugly side of healing for what it is: healing.
I get up and take my medicine now: fresh air, water, healthy food, exercise, at least one action a day that moves me forward, giving and receiving Love, gratitude, forgiveness, meditation and prayer, and doing at least one thing a day that brings me joy. This is my daily prescription for wellness.
I accept it. I get up now and take my medicine. Life is good. Thank you for the Guidance, God.
Ameen
Day 373
A Prescription For Wellness (The Ugly Side of Healing)
OK. This is about the third time that I’ve deleted an entry without posting it. Sometimes there’s just so much going on that I don’t know where to start.
Topics in mind are: relationships, women things, and religion.
I am breaking up with the Old Prophet. I kind of already did, but we need to have an official conversation where we both know we are on the same page. I’m not going to villianize him or put all of his dirt out in the street. I will say, though, that he asked me to change my hairstyle.
-_-
It’s very small, and it’s actually not what broke the deal, but asking someone to change any part of their appearance before you have made any commitments to them in any form or fashion says a lot about one’s character. The Old Prophet didn’t take me to the airport. And he didn’t pick me up from the airport. He could have. But he figured I could get to and from the airport in ways that wouldn’t inconvenience him. And he’s right. I could have. But that’s not the point. The point is, you can’t tell someone that you want to have their baby and that you want to marry them and then not take them to the airport or pick them up.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” as my nephew says. It just doesn’t add up. Several other things didn’t add up with the Old Prophet, but what became most clear is that he is either not willing or not able to love me or care for me in the way that I want to be Loved and cared for. Not only that, but if I married him, I would be the only person bringing the life to the party.
My issues with the Old Prophet are much deeper than what I’m putting on this blog, but suffice it to say that he’s not “The One” for me. And this is the best time of my life.
I am sitting at the Writer’s Guild Library sitting across from a handsome guy around my age. This is the best time of my life, and this blog is about women things. And relationships. I close my eyes and imagine what it feels like to be in Love again. I close my eyes and imagine what it feels like to do my dream work. I close my eyes with gratitude that there is no where else that I’d rather be than right here right now.
I close my eyes and give thanks for this initiation. I am a woman now and I have found my way. What does that mean, you ask? It means that I will never have another boyfriend again. Yes. Never. The next man that I “date” will be my husband. Yes. I’m not talking about arranged marriage or any of that. I am talking about taking control of this thing I call life. And I’m not talking about “control” from an ego standpoint. I am talking about knowing what I know. Finally. At last. Standing up and knowing what I know and doing the next part… The important part… Living it!
And here is what I know. I know that if I have a question or a challenge in life, I can close my eyes. I can close my eyes while in prayer or meditation and ask that question. And God will lead me in the direction of the highest good for myself and all involved. I know this. It doesn’t always make sense. It doesn’t always follow logic. And I don’t always listen to the Guidance received. But I know that this is my way in life. When it comes to men, when it comes to work, when it comes to where I live, when it comes to anything. This is my way in life. And now that I know what I know that I know, it is time to live it.
And here’s what else I know: This thing, this vision of my dream life, did not come from me. It is from a higher place. It is from the place where I know what I know. Knowing that, I also know that there is no way that I would get a vision from that higher place without there being a way for that vision to be fulfilled. And that being so, I can rest easy when I am making decisions and going about my life. “Is this in support and alignment with my vision?” is the only question I need ask.
Now, getting back to men. I envision a mighty, mighty Love. I envision a brilliant partner that I will spend the rest of my life with. And it is only fitting that he envisions me. I know that our life views will be compatible. I know that I will be able to sit with him and talk to him about anything. I know that he will Love my hair just as it is, because I will be who he has prayed for. Sure, he may make suggestions after we have built trust and made commitments to each other, but I just know that he will be so much more Lovely than I can imagine. There is just no more need to put up with shit. Shit is shit. It stinks.
I know that life is beautiful. And I know that life and God is for me and not against me, and it’s time to start living like it! It’s just time to start living like I really believe that everything that was planted in my soul will blossom. It is time to start living, Lord! Everything You have planted in my soul will blossom. Because I allow it to. I allow everything You have planted in my soul to blossom. You see, if you actually believe that your dreams will come true and then start acting on that faith, everything changes. I have barely started living this way, but I know it’s real. Because everything has started changing already.
The other day, I was lead to an alternative medicine practitioner who did a procedure on me to realign my spine. In the past year, that I have been sick, no doctors have been able to diagnose me correctly or help me. But I prayed and was led to reach out to someone who in turn recommended this person who did the procedure. And the symptoms in my body are starting to heal already. Not only that, but I am not devastated about the breakup with the Old Prophet. I am perfectly fine with the way things have played out. I have been spending time with the people I love and realize what beautiful, Loving people I have in my life. My friends and family are so Loving and Giving. Extraordinary. Money is showing up from sources that I never would have imagined.
This is becoming my new way of Living. I know it is not everyone’s way, but I also know that everyone has a way. It is important to figure it out. Find your way. Find your way. Find your way. We were not put on this Earth with no Guidance and no help. But there are so many decisions and so many options on any given day that choosing what man and what job and what city and what state and what country and what religion and what food and what clothes and what shoes and what hairstyle can be very complicated. It is easy when you are in survival mode: You choose the path that helps you eat. But once you get out of survival mode (and you will), you must figure out how you are going to live the rest of your life. How will you know what choices to make? What is your reference point? Will you just pick the job that makes the most money, even if it means supporting a company that goes against your belief system? Will you marry the man who has the most stability even if he has the least passion? These are all choices and at some point we will have to decide how we are going to make them.
Explore, ask, question, and seek until you find an answer. I found my answer. From the depths of a dark, vast ocean, You have led me to safe shores. “Rest now,” You tell me. “Eat of the Good things I have provided you. See Love everywhere. See Love everywhere. See Love everywhere. Even in the midst of despair. See Love everywhere. Here is your home for a time. Be Love. Everywhere. Always. Be Love. Here is your home for a time. Hone the gifts I have given you. Soon they will be of good use. Do not doubt or worry. You know. You know. Yes, you know what you know. You have found your way at last.”
Ameen.
Day 372
On Finding My Way
I have been having a Lovely time with my family. It is a different world here: calm. My mom cooks three meals a day. I wake up in the morning and go to the beautiful backyard, sit under one of the two mango trees, do my stretches, meditate, vision, and read books. I play with my nephew, who is so full of life, and hold my beautiful niece, who was only born a week ago.
I talk to my mom and two sisters. We go swim in the ocean, get massages, watch shows and take walks. We talk… It is good to see them. All is well between me and my family at last. I ask my brother-in-law about his life. He shares. Life is good.
I can believe that life is this good. Yesterday a friend of mine contacted me to pay back a debt that he had incurred years ago. It is the exact amount of money that I need to get a medical procedure done next week.
I can believe that life is this good.
This good life has me thinking about my life in LA. LA is not so bad. LA County in general is quite a beautiful place to be. The problem with LA is that there is such a huge gap between the haves and the have-nots. If you are on the side of the haves, then you, too, can live in a house with mango trees in the backyard. You can go to shows and get massages and talk walks in beautiful nature. The nature here is better, but the nature in LA is still beautiful. In addition, LA has the industry that I work in and many opportunities. All kinds of people live in LA. I look at my life there. I have been living on the side of the have-nots, and that is why life has been so hard.
That is the downside of LA. Most of the population lives on the side of the have-nots, because it is so expensive and competitive. There are so many people wanting to do exactly what you want to do…
I will be going back there in a few days, Allah, and I can no longer live the way I was living. It just won’t do anymore. I need to live my life now. I need to do my writing thing and I need to be present in the world of affairs. This barely surviving thing that I have been doing for the past few years has run its course. Time for something else. Abundance, I call your name. Ya Wahab and Ya Razaq, I am courting you.
Life is not just about me. I mean, our lives are not just about us. Sometimes it makes all the sense in the world, but when I try to write it down, it leaves me.
I am getting stronger and most of the emotional issues that have plagued me my entire life are gone. I no longer harbor deep seated resentments towards certain people. And I get sad from time to time, but I’m not really depressed anymore. I can maintain happiness for long stretches of time and that’s a big deal for me. I am keenly aware of how my interactions with others affect me and how I affect them, and I have learned to be intentional with who I spend my time with. This is so important. I seek the company of those who nourish and those who accept the gifts that I bring. I surround myself with kindness because I finally recognize that I need it.
How have I managed to go all these years being enmeshed in so many dysfunctional relationships? I am so sorry, Laydie. I am so sorry. No wonder we haven’t been able to get anything done. Now that we have learned how to go long stretches of time without crying every day… Now that we have learned how to deal with meanness and all the awfulness that exists in the world and even within us without getting wrapped up in it… Now that we are finally learning the delicate balance between being strong yet gentle… Now that we are getting the hang of being open and yet being able to protect ourselves… Now that we are finding our way and really understanding what this human thing and this life thing means to us… We are really understanding what this life thing means to us.
A light has been turned on in our inner world. Yes. It is what has been missing all this time. We have been walking around the Earth confused and sad; victims with so many bruises. We have felt powerless to change anything. We have felt unsure of who we are. At times, we have wanted to just close our eyes and be done with it all. We could not see a way out of darkness.
But today we are here, and in spite of our blindness, we have made it out of the darkness! And a light… a light has been turned on inside of us. Deep down we know that we will never be lost again.
This is what it means to find yourself, You say. Here, with your eyes closed, you find peace. You plant it deep. You find Love. You cherish it. You see abundance. Familiarize yourself. Sit with the Truth for a while… When you open your eyes and walk out into the world, the fears will come. The doubts will come. Time will pass. Sit with the Truth for a while until the Truth becomes your life.
You will say this teaching is too abstract. What are the steps? What do we do next? Do we apply for a new job? Do we move out of our apartment and go somewhere else? Do we keep writing? I say you know the answers already. Now know the answers. What do you do next, Laydie?
– I trust.
Good. How?
– I move in the direction of my true life.
Yes. They will call you crazy, but that is nothing new. They have called you crazy for years, but they watch in admiration… And what is your true life?
– For now I write and Love. I find opportunities to write and Love. I pay my debts. The money will come. The money comes. It sounds absurd, but the support will come. Trust, You say. How will the money come, I ask? FIND WAYS TO EXPRESS YOURSELF IN TRUTH AND WATCH THE ABUNDANCE TAKE YOU OVER.
I listen. I listen for once and at last. I listen. You are guiding me. None of it makes sense, so I realign my senses. There is more to life than meets the eye and mind. We were not put here without guidance. We are not abandoned children left to flounder and drown. No! There is a light to guide our way through this life. You may find it in religion. You may find it through suffering it. You may find it any way you find it, but look for it! Look for it, and you will see that all that has come to pass has come to pass, and yet we live. We are still here. And that means that there is still hope.
We stand up in the inside world and watch our lives unfold. Ameen.
Day 371
The Inside World
Why are big, strong men so afraid of an angry woman?
Good morning World. I got into an argument with the Old Prophet. I was angry. He didn’t take me to the airport and he didn’t arrange for me to get my car jumped when the battery had died, even though he has a car, jumper cables, and triple A. I got to the airport and I got my car jumped, but that wasn’t the point. The point was, he didn’t make sure I was taken care of, even though he opens his big fat mouth talking about how he wants me to have his baby and how I’m his woman.
The day before I left, we went on an outing, which is when we discussed the fact that he’s not taking me to the airport. We had had a misunderstanding. He had offered to take me, but we didn’t confirm. I just thought he was taking me. Then, on the morning before I left, I brought it up and he told me he wasn’t taking me. He had made an appointment for that time. End of story. I got upset, but I refrained from saying “What kind of shit is this? Where they do that at?” like I was thinking. Instead, I kept quiet and sat in the passenger side of the car pouting. He changed the subject and started talking about the pretty sky. When I didn’t respond, he asked, “Are you pouting?”. “I’m upset,” I said. “Do you want to turn around and go home?” he asked…. Why did he ask that? I told him I didn’t want to turn around.
We went on the outing and had a good time. We didn’t really talk about the airport situation, except that I told him (in a very calm voice) that I thought if someone wanted to be a person’s man and father of her child, you would think that he would want to see her off to the airport. He agreed, but didn’t say he was changing his plans for the next morning. He was going to work that day after our outing, and before we parted, I asked him if I was seeing him that night. He said we’d play it by ear… That night, I called him, but there were no ears. He didn’t answer. He texted me at 8 the next morning telling me how exhausted he was and that he had been awake for eighteen hours and didn’t get home until 11p. He wished me a safe trip. I had nothing to say. Well, I did. “Safe trip?” I thought, along with many other curse words.I had taken a taxi to the airport that morning…
When we finally talked, I told him what I thought about him. I didn’t curse, but there was anger in my voice. I called him a runner and I told him that I thought he used spirituality as an excuse not to deal with conflict. He said he felt drained and was ready to go. Then I went off. “Go!” I said. “Since you can’t manage to have a conversation unless we’re talking about flowers and roses. I guess I’ll talk to you only when I’m happy and joyful and pleased with everything you do.”
We hung up. Later that evening he texted me. He said that telling me he wanted to have my baby was a mistake. Runner shit. We talked. He said that he didn’t recognize the angry woman who had spoken to him earlier in the day. How could he? He’s never seen me angry. We’ve only known each other a little over a month! He’s never seen anything but the best of me. We talked and talked and came to no conclusion. “We have a huge difference in how we view relationships, so I don’t see how this could work,” he said. “I still think you are the mother of my child, but I shouldn’t have told you,” he said. There was deep pain between us. Why was it so deep? Both of us wanted to part ways, but not really. “Do you want to part ways?” I asked. No. He didn’t. He wanted to keep the door open, but he didn’t want to call me his woman or say I Love you anymore. The fear had set in.
Of course I could change everything. I could simply say “I Love you. Be my man and let’s have this baby” and everything would be better than ever. But I can’t say those words. Because I don’t mean them. I mean the ‘I Love you’ part, but not the rest. Whenever I get with a man, I think of the song by the Pussycat Dolls called “Stick With You”. I think I’d like it to be my wedding song. The chorus of the song goes:
Nobody gonna love me better
I’m a stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I’m a stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I’m a stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I stick with you.
I have known some phenomenal men in my life. The Old Prophet is phenomenal in his own way. But he was right. We have a huge difference in how we view relationships. I expect to be taken care of by my man. And, yes, I can believe I’m writing this. I couldn’t have written it a few years ago. I never had any expectations. As long as I felt compelled to be with you, you were in. I would build whole fantasy lives with men based upon some unexplainable attraction. I’d call them soul mates and to be honest, they probably were. But I don’t think soul mates are what we think they are.
Soul mates are people who a deeper part of you feels a deeper inexplicable connection to. It’s not only in a romantic capacity, though, and I don’t think that a soul mate is always a life mate. Because the soul is just the beginning. And everyone doesn’t listen to or even acknowledge the soul. Heck, most people don’t listen to the soul all the time… Because I am a woman who has been proposed to more than four times by men who profess to be my soul mates (all within a month of them meeting me), and because I have never married any of them, I have come to recognize that the deep connection thing is not all there is to it. After that, there’s the actual person and who they are choosing to be in the world.
And so, if you have a deep connection with someone, as I did with my first love, but they can’t tell the truth to save their life, or they are addicted to conflict, or have ridiculous control issues… If they feel insecure if you succeed or if you know that marrying them would mean that you will never get a birthday gift, Valentine’s gift, card, flower or anything that you like ever again in life… if the package they’re packing is not the package for you, if they don’t go dancing but you love dancing.. you get my drift… if they are a different religion and think everyone who’s not their religion (including you) is the devil… then you may want to reconsider if soul mates is all it takes.
The truth is, I don’t think The Old Prophet has ever truly taken care of a woman in his entire life. I don’t think he’s even aware of whether he believes in taking care of women. I think he believes in everybody taking care of themselves and the thought of taking care of another person makes him sick… That’s fine. But I don’t believe in that. I believe that when you choose your partner, your life mate, your soul mate, you become him and he becomes you. You dive deep into him and his woes are your woes. His joy is your joy. Of course, you both do your own work to find and sustain your own happiness, but part of your commitment to each other is to support each other on this life journey.
You are each other’s number one support system. Old Prophet offers support in his own way, but not in the way I would expect from the person I call my man. But there is no need to get upset. I Love him anyway. But I will have to let him go. It hurts and I don’t want to. Because I Love him. And somewhere I know that he is one of my soul mates. I don’t want to break up with him, God. He will never break up with me. He will never speak his heart unless I initiate the conversation. It’s the way he is.
Most High, we are building a relationship. I call You now for Guidance. I am strong and Loving and forgiving. I am wise. He is not my life mate, I know. But it doesn’t feel like it’s time to say goodbye. He is one of my soul mates. How can I say goodbye to him?
This blog is getting too long. I won’t edit it. I’ll publish it. It’s important to me. Soul mates vs life mates. Recognizing soul mates is the easy part for me. Life mates is different. He’s giving me the opportunity to be a creator and to make decisions. He’s not, but you are, God. However I choose for this thing to play out with Old Prophet is how it will play out.. OK. So I choose for it to play out in a righteous way. I’ll be cursed for life if I offend a prophet. Other men are knocking on my door. They are always knocking. They can’t come in. Not until things are clear w me and Old Prophet.
No more men issues. This is the last. He is the last before my husband. Just no more. I know now. I know what I need and I know how to be a good woman to a good man. Fine. I have more work to do with expressing myself when I’m angry. Geez. Now I won’t curse, dump or call names. I get it. Men can’t stand it, even if the names you call the are true. They are like anyone else. They want you to always see the best in them. They want to be forgiven and Loved. And if you must chastise, they want to feel safe in your chastisement. This is grown-up stuff…
You say I can let the pain of the Old Prophet go. Talk to him. Tell him the truth. He will understand. And then finish. You have more Love for him and he has more Love for you before the two of you move on to your life mates, so finish. Love him into his new life and he will help usher you into yours…
It is done. It is done. And it is done…
Ameen.
Day 370
Soul Mates And Life Mates
I have so much to write about. Where to start?
I just started an entry but didn’t like the direction it was going, so I’m starting over. I’ll start this one with my eyes closed first. I have so much to tell you.
Most High Creator of All Creation, I come to you with Joy in my heart and gratitude. I thank you for the gift of words that comfort, inspire, uplift, entertain, and instigate. I thank you for words. Beyond words, I thank you for all that is not said, but only felt and seen. I thank you for dance and expression. I thank you for intelligence and the ability to choose and create. I thank you for free will.
Thank you.
Will comes to mind. The man with the big hands at my spiritual center, whom I prayed with so long ago. The most beautiful man hands I have ever seen or felt in my life. Enveloping, comforting, so much life flowing through them. Such beautiful hands. I thank You for the experience of being able to connect with an absolute stranger by praying with him and holding his beautiful hands.
Life is beautiful. I thank you for the experience of being able to see that and know that right now. In this moment. Not in retrospect or after an event has passed, but right now, as I am living, I know that life is beautiful.
Thank You.
It’s all up to us, isn’t it? I can capture it for an instance before it stops making sense. I am sitting in a huge metal machine, weighing over a thousand pounds, suspended in the air thousands of miles on top of the clouds with about a hundred other people. We are flying and yet we are not birds. But we are flying. As if it’s just normal. And it is normal now. We call the machine an airplane and we take it’s invention for granted.
The machine didn’t just appear on Earth. It appeared in the consciousness of somebody first. Someone somewhere a long time ago believed that anything was possible. He or she believed that objects could fly. Isn’t it crazy when you think about it?
If objects can fly, then surely smaller miracles are possible. Like one person being debt free. LOL. I don’t think that’s such a hard thing to be, given the span of possibilities in the Universe.
I close my eyes again because I want to see. I see that life is falling into place for me. An inner compass is being fine-tuned and it tells me which direction to walk. You put it there, didn’t you? I know you did. Thank you.
My compass led me to board a plane to go to an island to see the brand new baby that my sister gave birth to yesterday. It led me to see my healer lady yesterday, who in turn recommended a doctor for me to see to help heal and align my body so that energy can flow more fluidly.
And I am shaking my head no because the way things are transpiring could seem too good to be true, but my inner compass, You, are telling me to shake my head yes. And so I am on a plane, with my eyes closed, shaking my head yes and looking like a fool.
What shall we do with our lives, now God, now that anything seems possible? I am tempted to say… but you say don’t even write it. Write the Truth instead. Like you write your stories. Write the Truth about this part of your life. Write it into existence.
The… Woman.. on the plane, Laydie, is tempted to doubt the good things that are happening to her and question her worthiness. The familiar feelings of guilt creep up in the back of her subconscious. But instead of giving them any energy, this time, she does something different. She thinks about the opposite, and she says “I can believe how good life is!” Notice her heartbeat accelerate and her nerves get on edge. She doesn’t believe it yet, so she says it again. I can believe how good life is! I can believe how good life is! I can believe how good life is. I can believe how good life is I can believe how good life is. I can believe how good life. Until her heart beat slows down. Until her nerves calm down. Until the tears of disbelief stop and a smie takes over. Again, she writes “I can believe how good life is!!”
This time in capital letters. I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS! I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS! I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS!
She is going to see her two-year-old nephew. She can laugh out loud with him without looking silly. They both can say I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS and make a game out of it.
The woman, me, I, am happy. I look out of the plane window at the clouds. I am contemplating limitlessness and possibilities again. “ I can believe how good life is” will be my meditation while I am on this trip to this beautiful island. You, Lord, have given me an out. My dad wasn’t able to say, “Here, Laydie. Go pursue your dreams. I will pay for everything until you succeed.” But you have done that for me. I can believe how good life is. And so, in honor of my dead father who loved me so much, in honor of my beautiful mother, who never doubted that we could be anything we wanted to be with our lives, in honor of everything that came before this moment, I accept at last. I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS!
I accept with a smile in my heart and a smile on my hips. Somehow I know that a man will never be a worry of mine again. Oooh weee, a good man is on his way! He’s fine, too! And I am gonna be that good woman standing next to him. That good woman who pays her bills, LOL.
That’s the next thing on the list: debt. In the land of limitlessness, debt does not exist, and I am contemplating limitlessness. I am not worried. You will show me where to find money. Use my brain, you whisper. Use my heart. Brilliance, You whisper. The word for next week. I can believe how good life is. Yes. I use my brain. I use my heart. I use my body. I use my Spirit. I use all of ME. My passion, too. All of me. My smile, indeed. All of me.
I think about the plane I’m in. Before the plane, there was the inspiration from You and someone knew that one day they would fly. I think about the plane and prepare for flight.
Day 369
Before the Flight
I am Lucky… I want to say it out loud. I am Lucky.
People have always told me that I was Lucky, Special, Blessed, Charmed, Unique, Different… Weird. Random so-called prophets and seers and priests and priestess and preachers and Imams have stopped me on the street all my life to tell me that I have a calling over my life.
I have never wanted to be lucky or special or gifted or different. I have never wanted to stand out. When I went from middle school to high school, I asked my mom to take me out of gifted and talented classes that I had been in all my life and put me with the regular kids so that I could be normal. She did. And when it came time to go to college, I realized that being in “normal” classes in high school meant going to a “normal” college. Because an “A” in a normal class wasn’t worth as much as an “A” in an honors class, and no matter how many A’s I made, I would never be top of my class. I had opted out of elitism…
But that didn’t stop me from standing out. I would go to parties and stand on walls, keep my mouth shut in class and never try to do too much. But try as I may, no matter where I went, I could never blend in. Leaders would find me. Powerful men would want to date me. Popular kids would seek out my friendship and the underachievers whom I called my friends would wonder how a quiet wallflower like me had gotten access to the secret world of special people. I would find my way out of the land of the lucky every time. It didn’t seem fair. I felt guilty. It just didn’t seem right that some people seemed to be able to always get everything they wanted. It didn’t seem fair that a girl like me could be privy to the kind of world that I would sometimes get access to… Girls like me didn’t live in that world: a world of being taken care of and being happy and having stuff and just being able to do whatever we wanted to do with our lives. Girls like me were not supposed to have husbands who Loved us and support systems. We were supposed to be single and struggle and have kids on our own or at least have husbands we hated. There was always supposed to be some sort of major obstacle or drama in the life of girls like me. We were victims. That’s just the way it was. We were not supposed to be lucky. Of course I never thought about these things out loud, but they lived in the bottom of my brain. This belief system always undid all of the luck that seemed to flow effortlessly towards me all of my life.
The people who knew me well knew who I was, and for the life of them, they couldn’t understand why I am not rich and famous and doing something spectacular with my life yet. “Stop shirking your responsibilities!” my sisters would yell at me after I grew up and decided never to be different again. They remembered the days that I used to do stuff, lead stuff, win and be lucky.
They didn’t understand that something deep in my subconscious had issues with being lucky, and it held me stagnant every day. I didn’t want to be lucky. I didn’t want to be special. I didn’t want to be different. And if I led the life of my dreams, then by default I would be different. I would be one of those people. Really. I would be one of those people. Like, for real. I am one of those people. I am one of those people who show up on this planet to help lift up the world. I know it like I know my own name. I know that my life is not just about having a husband and a house and some kids and a good job. That is fine for other people’s lives, but my life is really not about having at all. It’s about giving. Of course there is receiving involved. Of course there is growing and activation involved, but the giving part… There is a compulsion in the depths of my being to help wake people up to the truth of who they are…
And here we are today.
I have been placed on sick leave from work. Indefinitely. For up to two years. Paid. I had no idea this would happen. Yes, I have been sick. I have been having body issues for over a year. I have been stressed out for many months. Work has had a lot to do with it. But I had no idea that this would happen. I get to keep my health insurance. I’m seeing all kinds of doctors and getting all kinds of equipment to assist with my healing. As part of my therapy, it is recommended that I go out to nature and see my family.
I am lucky, I think to myself. How did I get this lucky? And then the guilt seeps in. I don’t want to tell my friends. I don’t even want to tell some of my family. They will feel bad. I don’t have to tell them, but this morning I recognize that there is something that I have to do for myself.
I have to accept being lucky. You see, what I call luck is really Grace finding me every time. It is telling me that I have work to do and It will make a way for me to do it. I don’t have to feel guilty about it. It is my way of moving through the world. It is not my friends’ way or my family’s way. It is my way. Grace finds me every time. Luck walks with me through life. Let it be my companion now, You say.
Be lucky. Yes. Claim it. Stand out. Because you do. Yes. There is no honor in playing small. We are not talking about ego here or vanity. We are not talking about being better or worse than anyone else. We are talking about Truth and we are talking about accepting the Truth of your own life. You see, I have provided a way for each of you to make it through this Earthly incarnation. Yours is what they call “luck”. But you have always known that. As you step into alignment with the calling of your life, I make ways out of no way for you. And you have known that as well. And you have been afraid of it. You have been afraid of this part of your life, but you have been walking towards this part of your life nonetheless. This is the part where you stop throwing away your Luck, your Gifts, your Blessings… you let go of the guilt associated with having everything, yes, EVERYTHING, you ever dreamed of.
Yes, stomach that. Dwell on it for a bit. It is already here. Right now. I have blessed you with the opportunity to live in LA, get paid, and do exactly what you want to do with your day, in addition to receiving treatment to heal your physical and mental body. Yes. Now. You. I need you to accept that you are lucky. Because it is a part of you. And you will not make it to the next level of life without accepting all parts of you. Sit up now and open your arms. Yes, you are beautiful. Yes, you are gifted and talented. Yes, you may enter the secret world of the elite any time you please. You may choose to be with the normal people, which you will. But you are not the normal people.
I need you to understand this. The difference between arrogance and confidence is subtle. Most do not understand it, but you must. Because now is not the time to stand on the wall. You are being summoned to come center stage now. Yes, you. And you must stand with confidence and humility, not arrogance. You are being called to deliver your gifts now, and each time you do so, you find yourself supported and enlivened.
I am with you always, and the more good you can accept, the more you will find. Go now. Congratulations on your new life. And Good Luck.
Day 368
Good Luck
