Good morning,
I haven’t been able to sleep all night. I’ve been tossing and turning… I deleted the last two entries that I made here. I’ve never done that before, but they were just so crazy… I didn’t want them.
I can believe that life is this good.
Folks, we have entered the real land of the living. I have been going through so many changes in the past month. Usually it takes a whole year for me to have this much activity. A brief recount:
– I broke up with the Old Prophet for several reasons, but mainly because he treated me like shit when I needed him.
– I got really, really sick (physically), sicker than I’ve ever been in my life. I got diagnosed with an incurable illness and almost died. I became really depressed.
– I got undiagnosed with the incurable illness. (I should sue the doctors for the mental trauma they put me through, but I won’t, because I’m just so happy not to have the sickness they thought I had). I’m still not feeling well, though, and doctor’s still don’t know what’s wrong with me.
– I went and saw all 23 of the family members and people I lived with growing up. We celebrated my brother’s graduation. The city I come from is very different than the city I live in. My lifestyle is very different than the lifestyle I grew up in. I am far, far away from home, and yet, upon returning to my room and my windows with the birds chirping, I realize that this is home, too. I Love having the space and the freedom to be exactly who I want to be…
– Prior to all of this major shifting, I had gone to see the alternative health practitioner that I go to see sometimes. She specializes in releasing cellular density and helping to clear one’s vibrational field. I blame her for all the changes that have taken place since I saw her, but I’m glad I saw her. There is an ugly side to healing that people don’t talk about. That’s what this morning’s blog is about.
So here we are. World, I have been breaking down in a serious way. But I am not broken. I asked for all of this. You know the saying. “I asked for Strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.”
Getting well is a catch 22. When you are depressed or sick, all you want to do is sleep or cry or lash out. And yet those very things are the things that will keep you depressed or sick. If you want to get out of depression, you can’t sleep all day. You have to get off the bed and face your problems. You have to move in a direction of resolving things. And it hurts. It’s hard. People don’t act the way you want them to, you become overwhelmed by emotions, you find out that you are not as nice as you thought you were, or that some people who you thought Loved you only Love you if… Your body does all kind of weird things, like trembling or throwing up or getting super tired for no good reason. And there are so many tears. You don’t want to read books about healing. You don’t want to go out in the world where it’s dangerous and someone else may hurt you. You don’t want to go for your dreams any more, because what if someone else rejects you? You don’t want to cry anymore. You are tired of crying…
And don’t get me started about getting well while one is sick. When you are sick, you don’t want to eat. You don’t want to exercise. You don’t want to drink water. Medicine tastes disgusting and you don’t want to take it. You don’t want to go outside. Yet, you have to do those very things in order to get well.
I understand all of this. I have lived it. I am living it now… The birds on the tree outside of my window just started to chirp. I didn’t think they’d be here this morning because it rained all night. But they are here.
It’s 7:06 am and we are talking about what to do about the ugly side of healing. What do you do when you know that you have such a long way to go? When the bills keep coming but the income doesn’t? When you are sick and doctors can’t tell you what’s wrong and the healing you have experienced has come from alternative healers who essentially tell you that you have to change your entire life to get well? What do you do when you know who you are and yet you know that you are not living your life in the fullness of who you are? What do you do when your heart is broken and you are disappointed with the world? What do you do when you can barely walk for ten minutes without experiencing extreme exhaustion, and yet you have to walk for thirty minutes in order to accomplish what you need to accomplish for the day? How do you get off the bed and take your medicine?
This is the part where we move from theory and talking to action. I have finally come to a place where my life depends on taking action on what I know. And here’s what I know: There is more to life than meets the eye. In the midst of your darkest hour, there is choice. This is powerful. We have been thinking we are victims all of this time, but it is not true. There is choice! Listen to this, please. There is choice. You can choose to keep moving forward. You can choose to keep Loving and to keep your heart open. It won’t make sense. Your mind will give you every reason to quit and get a safe job. It will give you every reason to settle for a romantic partner who doesn’t make you feel vulnerable (or who doesn’t make you feel anything for that matter).
But you don’t have to settle. You don’t have to give up on your dreams. You don’t have to resign yourself to being sick for life and just taking medications that treat your symptoms. You don’t have to stay caught up in a constant sea of drama and misery. Step back from it all. Step back from all of it and look at your life. Look at your life as if you were watching yourself in a movie. Here is this character (you) with certain issues. They have certain goals and objectives. They have secret longings that no one knows about. They have things that they would like to heal. But they are at a place that is hard for them. They are at a crossroads. What would you tell them to do next? Would you tell them to rest? Would you tell them to let go of certain relationships? Or to move somewhere else and change their environment? Would you tell them to keep walking in the direction they are walking? If you were watching the movie of your life would you let the main character know that everything is going to be OK? Would you tell him or her that they are stronger than they know?
I am watching the movie of my own life, and as a writer who knows about story structure, I know exactly where I am. I am in the second act and I am nearing the climax. It is the part where the main character has been faced with certain obstacles and they have to overcome them. It is the part right before Harry Potter becomes Harry Potter. It is the part right before Fraulein Maria returns to the Von Trapp family in Sound of Music. It is the part where one decides whether they are going to move forward in the fullness of who they are or whether they are going to quit and choose another life path. There are major obstacles to overcome and the overcoming of said obstacles help to build the character that will be necessary to sustain the lifestyle that one is calling forth…
Now is not the time to quit. I am there already. I am there already. I am on the other side of happy already. I am in the land of the living already, scuffed and scarred by the journey, weak but still alive. And Grateful to be here. I am Grateful to be here, God. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I can sit in a warm room and write until my emotions are cleared up and my mind is free. I am Grateful for all of the Healers and friends and family and birds and children and Lovers who have accompanied me up until now. I am even Grateful for the ones who have not Loved me and taught me how to Love myself. I am Grateful. I see the ugly side of healing for what it is: healing.
I get up and take my medicine now: fresh air, water, healthy food, exercise, at least one action a day that moves me forward, giving and receiving Love, gratitude, forgiveness, meditation and prayer, and doing at least one thing a day that brings me joy. This is my daily prescription for wellness.
I accept it. I get up now and take my medicine. Life is good. Thank you for the Guidance, God.
Ameen
Day 373
A Prescription For Wellness (The Ugly Side of Healing)
OK. This is about the third time that I’ve deleted an entry without posting it. Sometimes there’s just so much going on that I don’t know where to start.
Topics in mind are: relationships, women things, and religion.
I am breaking up with the Old Prophet. I kind of already did, but we need to have an official conversation where we both know we are on the same page. I’m not going to villianize him or put all of his dirt out in the street. I will say, though, that he asked me to change my hairstyle.
-_-
It’s very small, and it’s actually not what broke the deal, but asking someone to change any part of their appearance before you have made any commitments to them in any form or fashion says a lot about one’s character. The Old Prophet didn’t take me to the airport. And he didn’t pick me up from the airport. He could have. But he figured I could get to and from the airport in ways that wouldn’t inconvenience him. And he’s right. I could have. But that’s not the point. The point is, you can’t tell someone that you want to have their baby and that you want to marry them and then not take them to the airport or pick them up.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” as my nephew says. It just doesn’t add up. Several other things didn’t add up with the Old Prophet, but what became most clear is that he is either not willing or not able to love me or care for me in the way that I want to be Loved and cared for. Not only that, but if I married him, I would be the only person bringing the life to the party.
My issues with the Old Prophet are much deeper than what I’m putting on this blog, but suffice it to say that he’s not “The One” for me. And this is the best time of my life.
I am sitting at the Writer’s Guild Library sitting across from a handsome guy around my age. This is the best time of my life, and this blog is about women things. And relationships. I close my eyes and imagine what it feels like to be in Love again. I close my eyes and imagine what it feels like to do my dream work. I close my eyes with gratitude that there is no where else that I’d rather be than right here right now.
I close my eyes and give thanks for this initiation. I am a woman now and I have found my way. What does that mean, you ask? It means that I will never have another boyfriend again. Yes. Never. The next man that I “date” will be my husband. Yes. I’m not talking about arranged marriage or any of that. I am talking about taking control of this thing I call life. And I’m not talking about “control” from an ego standpoint. I am talking about knowing what I know. Finally. At last. Standing up and knowing what I know and doing the next part… The important part… Living it!
And here is what I know. I know that if I have a question or a challenge in life, I can close my eyes. I can close my eyes while in prayer or meditation and ask that question. And God will lead me in the direction of the highest good for myself and all involved. I know this. It doesn’t always make sense. It doesn’t always follow logic. And I don’t always listen to the Guidance received. But I know that this is my way in life. When it comes to men, when it comes to work, when it comes to where I live, when it comes to anything. This is my way in life. And now that I know what I know that I know, it is time to live it.
And here’s what else I know: This thing, this vision of my dream life, did not come from me. It is from a higher place. It is from the place where I know what I know. Knowing that, I also know that there is no way that I would get a vision from that higher place without there being a way for that vision to be fulfilled. And that being so, I can rest easy when I am making decisions and going about my life. “Is this in support and alignment with my vision?” is the only question I need ask.
Now, getting back to men. I envision a mighty, mighty Love. I envision a brilliant partner that I will spend the rest of my life with. And it is only fitting that he envisions me. I know that our life views will be compatible. I know that I will be able to sit with him and talk to him about anything. I know that he will Love my hair just as it is, because I will be who he has prayed for. Sure, he may make suggestions after we have built trust and made commitments to each other, but I just know that he will be so much more Lovely than I can imagine. There is just no more need to put up with shit. Shit is shit. It stinks.
I know that life is beautiful. And I know that life and God is for me and not against me, and it’s time to start living like it! It’s just time to start living like I really believe that everything that was planted in my soul will blossom. It is time to start living, Lord! Everything You have planted in my soul will blossom. Because I allow it to. I allow everything You have planted in my soul to blossom. You see, if you actually believe that your dreams will come true and then start acting on that faith, everything changes. I have barely started living this way, but I know it’s real. Because everything has started changing already.
The other day, I was lead to an alternative medicine practitioner who did a procedure on me to realign my spine. In the past year, that I have been sick, no doctors have been able to diagnose me correctly or help me. But I prayed and was led to reach out to someone who in turn recommended this person who did the procedure. And the symptoms in my body are starting to heal already. Not only that, but I am not devastated about the breakup with the Old Prophet. I am perfectly fine with the way things have played out. I have been spending time with the people I love and realize what beautiful, Loving people I have in my life. My friends and family are so Loving and Giving. Extraordinary. Money is showing up from sources that I never would have imagined.
This is becoming my new way of Living. I know it is not everyone’s way, but I also know that everyone has a way. It is important to figure it out. Find your way. Find your way. Find your way. We were not put on this Earth with no Guidance and no help. But there are so many decisions and so many options on any given day that choosing what man and what job and what city and what state and what country and what religion and what food and what clothes and what shoes and what hairstyle can be very complicated. It is easy when you are in survival mode: You choose the path that helps you eat. But once you get out of survival mode (and you will), you must figure out how you are going to live the rest of your life. How will you know what choices to make? What is your reference point? Will you just pick the job that makes the most money, even if it means supporting a company that goes against your belief system? Will you marry the man who has the most stability even if he has the least passion? These are all choices and at some point we will have to decide how we are going to make them.
Explore, ask, question, and seek until you find an answer. I found my answer. From the depths of a dark, vast ocean, You have led me to safe shores. “Rest now,” You tell me. “Eat of the Good things I have provided you. See Love everywhere. See Love everywhere. See Love everywhere. Even in the midst of despair. See Love everywhere. Here is your home for a time. Be Love. Everywhere. Always. Be Love. Here is your home for a time. Hone the gifts I have given you. Soon they will be of good use. Do not doubt or worry. You know. You know. Yes, you know what you know. You have found your way at last.”
Ameen.
Day 372
On Finding My Way
I have been having a Lovely time with my family. It is a different world here: calm. My mom cooks three meals a day. I wake up in the morning and go to the beautiful backyard, sit under one of the two mango trees, do my stretches, meditate, vision, and read books. I play with my nephew, who is so full of life, and hold my beautiful niece, who was only born a week ago.
I talk to my mom and two sisters. We go swim in the ocean, get massages, watch shows and take walks. We talk… It is good to see them. All is well between me and my family at last. I ask my brother-in-law about his life. He shares. Life is good.
I can believe that life is this good. Yesterday a friend of mine contacted me to pay back a debt that he had incurred years ago. It is the exact amount of money that I need to get a medical procedure done next week.
I can believe that life is this good.
This good life has me thinking about my life in LA. LA is not so bad. LA County in general is quite a beautiful place to be. The problem with LA is that there is such a huge gap between the haves and the have-nots. If you are on the side of the haves, then you, too, can live in a house with mango trees in the backyard. You can go to shows and get massages and talk walks in beautiful nature. The nature here is better, but the nature in LA is still beautiful. In addition, LA has the industry that I work in and many opportunities. All kinds of people live in LA. I look at my life there. I have been living on the side of the have-nots, and that is why life has been so hard.
That is the downside of LA. Most of the population lives on the side of the have-nots, because it is so expensive and competitive. There are so many people wanting to do exactly what you want to do…
I will be going back there in a few days, Allah, and I can no longer live the way I was living. It just won’t do anymore. I need to live my life now. I need to do my writing thing and I need to be present in the world of affairs. This barely surviving thing that I have been doing for the past few years has run its course. Time for something else. Abundance, I call your name. Ya Wahab and Ya Razaq, I am courting you.
Life is not just about me. I mean, our lives are not just about us. Sometimes it makes all the sense in the world, but when I try to write it down, it leaves me.
I am getting stronger and most of the emotional issues that have plagued me my entire life are gone. I no longer harbor deep seated resentments towards certain people. And I get sad from time to time, but I’m not really depressed anymore. I can maintain happiness for long stretches of time and that’s a big deal for me. I am keenly aware of how my interactions with others affect me and how I affect them, and I have learned to be intentional with who I spend my time with. This is so important. I seek the company of those who nourish and those who accept the gifts that I bring. I surround myself with kindness because I finally recognize that I need it.
How have I managed to go all these years being enmeshed in so many dysfunctional relationships? I am so sorry, Laydie. I am so sorry. No wonder we haven’t been able to get anything done. Now that we have learned how to go long stretches of time without crying every day… Now that we have learned how to deal with meanness and all the awfulness that exists in the world and even within us without getting wrapped up in it… Now that we are finally learning the delicate balance between being strong yet gentle… Now that we are getting the hang of being open and yet being able to protect ourselves… Now that we are finding our way and really understanding what this human thing and this life thing means to us… We are really understanding what this life thing means to us.
A light has been turned on in our inner world. Yes. It is what has been missing all this time. We have been walking around the Earth confused and sad; victims with so many bruises. We have felt powerless to change anything. We have felt unsure of who we are. At times, we have wanted to just close our eyes and be done with it all. We could not see a way out of darkness.
But today we are here, and in spite of our blindness, we have made it out of the darkness! And a light… a light has been turned on inside of us. Deep down we know that we will never be lost again.
This is what it means to find yourself, You say. Here, with your eyes closed, you find peace. You plant it deep. You find Love. You cherish it. You see abundance. Familiarize yourself. Sit with the Truth for a while… When you open your eyes and walk out into the world, the fears will come. The doubts will come. Time will pass. Sit with the Truth for a while until the Truth becomes your life.
You will say this teaching is too abstract. What are the steps? What do we do next? Do we apply for a new job? Do we move out of our apartment and go somewhere else? Do we keep writing? I say you know the answers already. Now know the answers. What do you do next, Laydie?
– I trust.
Good. How?
– I move in the direction of my true life.
Yes. They will call you crazy, but that is nothing new. They have called you crazy for years, but they watch in admiration… And what is your true life?
– For now I write and Love. I find opportunities to write and Love. I pay my debts. The money will come. The money comes. It sounds absurd, but the support will come. Trust, You say. How will the money come, I ask? FIND WAYS TO EXPRESS YOURSELF IN TRUTH AND WATCH THE ABUNDANCE TAKE YOU OVER.
I listen. I listen for once and at last. I listen. You are guiding me. None of it makes sense, so I realign my senses. There is more to life than meets the eye and mind. We were not put here without guidance. We are not abandoned children left to flounder and drown. No! There is a light to guide our way through this life. You may find it in religion. You may find it through suffering it. You may find it any way you find it, but look for it! Look for it, and you will see that all that has come to pass has come to pass, and yet we live. We are still here. And that means that there is still hope.
We stand up in the inside world and watch our lives unfold. Ameen.
Day 371
The Inside World
Why are big, strong men so afraid of an angry woman?
Good morning World. I got into an argument with the Old Prophet. I was angry. He didn’t take me to the airport and he didn’t arrange for me to get my car jumped when the battery had died, even though he has a car, jumper cables, and triple A. I got to the airport and I got my car jumped, but that wasn’t the point. The point was, he didn’t make sure I was taken care of, even though he opens his big fat mouth talking about how he wants me to have his baby and how I’m his woman.
The day before I left, we went on an outing, which is when we discussed the fact that he’s not taking me to the airport. We had had a misunderstanding. He had offered to take me, but we didn’t confirm. I just thought he was taking me. Then, on the morning before I left, I brought it up and he told me he wasn’t taking me. He had made an appointment for that time. End of story. I got upset, but I refrained from saying “What kind of shit is this? Where they do that at?” like I was thinking. Instead, I kept quiet and sat in the passenger side of the car pouting. He changed the subject and started talking about the pretty sky. When I didn’t respond, he asked, “Are you pouting?”. “I’m upset,” I said. “Do you want to turn around and go home?” he asked…. Why did he ask that? I told him I didn’t want to turn around.
We went on the outing and had a good time. We didn’t really talk about the airport situation, except that I told him (in a very calm voice) that I thought if someone wanted to be a person’s man and father of her child, you would think that he would want to see her off to the airport. He agreed, but didn’t say he was changing his plans for the next morning. He was going to work that day after our outing, and before we parted, I asked him if I was seeing him that night. He said we’d play it by ear… That night, I called him, but there were no ears. He didn’t answer. He texted me at 8 the next morning telling me how exhausted he was and that he had been awake for eighteen hours and didn’t get home until 11p. He wished me a safe trip. I had nothing to say. Well, I did. “Safe trip?” I thought, along with many other curse words.I had taken a taxi to the airport that morning…
When we finally talked, I told him what I thought about him. I didn’t curse, but there was anger in my voice. I called him a runner and I told him that I thought he used spirituality as an excuse not to deal with conflict. He said he felt drained and was ready to go. Then I went off. “Go!” I said. “Since you can’t manage to have a conversation unless we’re talking about flowers and roses. I guess I’ll talk to you only when I’m happy and joyful and pleased with everything you do.”
We hung up. Later that evening he texted me. He said that telling me he wanted to have my baby was a mistake. Runner shit. We talked. He said that he didn’t recognize the angry woman who had spoken to him earlier in the day. How could he? He’s never seen me angry. We’ve only known each other a little over a month! He’s never seen anything but the best of me. We talked and talked and came to no conclusion. “We have a huge difference in how we view relationships, so I don’t see how this could work,” he said. “I still think you are the mother of my child, but I shouldn’t have told you,” he said. There was deep pain between us. Why was it so deep? Both of us wanted to part ways, but not really. “Do you want to part ways?” I asked. No. He didn’t. He wanted to keep the door open, but he didn’t want to call me his woman or say I Love you anymore. The fear had set in.
Of course I could change everything. I could simply say “I Love you. Be my man and let’s have this baby” and everything would be better than ever. But I can’t say those words. Because I don’t mean them. I mean the ‘I Love you’ part, but not the rest. Whenever I get with a man, I think of the song by the Pussycat Dolls called “Stick With You”. I think I’d like it to be my wedding song. The chorus of the song goes:
Nobody gonna love me better
I’m a stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I’m a stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I’m a stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I stick with you.
I have known some phenomenal men in my life. The Old Prophet is phenomenal in his own way. But he was right. We have a huge difference in how we view relationships. I expect to be taken care of by my man. And, yes, I can believe I’m writing this. I couldn’t have written it a few years ago. I never had any expectations. As long as I felt compelled to be with you, you were in. I would build whole fantasy lives with men based upon some unexplainable attraction. I’d call them soul mates and to be honest, they probably were. But I don’t think soul mates are what we think they are.
Soul mates are people who a deeper part of you feels a deeper inexplicable connection to. It’s not only in a romantic capacity, though, and I don’t think that a soul mate is always a life mate. Because the soul is just the beginning. And everyone doesn’t listen to or even acknowledge the soul. Heck, most people don’t listen to the soul all the time… Because I am a woman who has been proposed to more than four times by men who profess to be my soul mates (all within a month of them meeting me), and because I have never married any of them, I have come to recognize that the deep connection thing is not all there is to it. After that, there’s the actual person and who they are choosing to be in the world.
And so, if you have a deep connection with someone, as I did with my first love, but they can’t tell the truth to save their life, or they are addicted to conflict, or have ridiculous control issues… If they feel insecure if you succeed or if you know that marrying them would mean that you will never get a birthday gift, Valentine’s gift, card, flower or anything that you like ever again in life… if the package they’re packing is not the package for you, if they don’t go dancing but you love dancing.. you get my drift… if they are a different religion and think everyone who’s not their religion (including you) is the devil… then you may want to reconsider if soul mates is all it takes.
The truth is, I don’t think The Old Prophet has ever truly taken care of a woman in his entire life. I don’t think he’s even aware of whether he believes in taking care of women. I think he believes in everybody taking care of themselves and the thought of taking care of another person makes him sick… That’s fine. But I don’t believe in that. I believe that when you choose your partner, your life mate, your soul mate, you become him and he becomes you. You dive deep into him and his woes are your woes. His joy is your joy. Of course, you both do your own work to find and sustain your own happiness, but part of your commitment to each other is to support each other on this life journey.
You are each other’s number one support system. Old Prophet offers support in his own way, but not in the way I would expect from the person I call my man. But there is no need to get upset. I Love him anyway. But I will have to let him go. It hurts and I don’t want to. Because I Love him. And somewhere I know that he is one of my soul mates. I don’t want to break up with him, God. He will never break up with me. He will never speak his heart unless I initiate the conversation. It’s the way he is.
Most High, we are building a relationship. I call You now for Guidance. I am strong and Loving and forgiving. I am wise. He is not my life mate, I know. But it doesn’t feel like it’s time to say goodbye. He is one of my soul mates. How can I say goodbye to him?
This blog is getting too long. I won’t edit it. I’ll publish it. It’s important to me. Soul mates vs life mates. Recognizing soul mates is the easy part for me. Life mates is different. He’s giving me the opportunity to be a creator and to make decisions. He’s not, but you are, God. However I choose for this thing to play out with Old Prophet is how it will play out.. OK. So I choose for it to play out in a righteous way. I’ll be cursed for life if I offend a prophet. Other men are knocking on my door. They are always knocking. They can’t come in. Not until things are clear w me and Old Prophet.
No more men issues. This is the last. He is the last before my husband. Just no more. I know now. I know what I need and I know how to be a good woman to a good man. Fine. I have more work to do with expressing myself when I’m angry. Geez. Now I won’t curse, dump or call names. I get it. Men can’t stand it, even if the names you call the are true. They are like anyone else. They want you to always see the best in them. They want to be forgiven and Loved. And if you must chastise, they want to feel safe in your chastisement. This is grown-up stuff…
You say I can let the pain of the Old Prophet go. Talk to him. Tell him the truth. He will understand. And then finish. You have more Love for him and he has more Love for you before the two of you move on to your life mates, so finish. Love him into his new life and he will help usher you into yours…
It is done. It is done. And it is done…
Ameen.
Day 370
Soul Mates And Life Mates
I have so much to write about. Where to start?
I just started an entry but didn’t like the direction it was going, so I’m starting over. I’ll start this one with my eyes closed first. I have so much to tell you.
Most High Creator of All Creation, I come to you with Joy in my heart and gratitude. I thank you for the gift of words that comfort, inspire, uplift, entertain, and instigate. I thank you for words. Beyond words, I thank you for all that is not said, but only felt and seen. I thank you for dance and expression. I thank you for intelligence and the ability to choose and create. I thank you for free will.
Thank you.
Will comes to mind. The man with the big hands at my spiritual center, whom I prayed with so long ago. The most beautiful man hands I have ever seen or felt in my life. Enveloping, comforting, so much life flowing through them. Such beautiful hands. I thank You for the experience of being able to connect with an absolute stranger by praying with him and holding his beautiful hands.
Life is beautiful. I thank you for the experience of being able to see that and know that right now. In this moment. Not in retrospect or after an event has passed, but right now, as I am living, I know that life is beautiful.
Thank You.
It’s all up to us, isn’t it? I can capture it for an instance before it stops making sense. I am sitting in a huge metal machine, weighing over a thousand pounds, suspended in the air thousands of miles on top of the clouds with about a hundred other people. We are flying and yet we are not birds. But we are flying. As if it’s just normal. And it is normal now. We call the machine an airplane and we take it’s invention for granted.
The machine didn’t just appear on Earth. It appeared in the consciousness of somebody first. Someone somewhere a long time ago believed that anything was possible. He or she believed that objects could fly. Isn’t it crazy when you think about it?
If objects can fly, then surely smaller miracles are possible. Like one person being debt free. LOL. I don’t think that’s such a hard thing to be, given the span of possibilities in the Universe.
I close my eyes again because I want to see. I see that life is falling into place for me. An inner compass is being fine-tuned and it tells me which direction to walk. You put it there, didn’t you? I know you did. Thank you.
My compass led me to board a plane to go to an island to see the brand new baby that my sister gave birth to yesterday. It led me to see my healer lady yesterday, who in turn recommended a doctor for me to see to help heal and align my body so that energy can flow more fluidly.
And I am shaking my head no because the way things are transpiring could seem too good to be true, but my inner compass, You, are telling me to shake my head yes. And so I am on a plane, with my eyes closed, shaking my head yes and looking like a fool.
What shall we do with our lives, now God, now that anything seems possible? I am tempted to say… but you say don’t even write it. Write the Truth instead. Like you write your stories. Write the Truth about this part of your life. Write it into existence.
The… Woman.. on the plane, Laydie, is tempted to doubt the good things that are happening to her and question her worthiness. The familiar feelings of guilt creep up in the back of her subconscious. But instead of giving them any energy, this time, she does something different. She thinks about the opposite, and she says “I can believe how good life is!” Notice her heartbeat accelerate and her nerves get on edge. She doesn’t believe it yet, so she says it again. I can believe how good life is! I can believe how good life is! I can believe how good life is. I can believe how good life is I can believe how good life is. I can believe how good life. Until her heart beat slows down. Until her nerves calm down. Until the tears of disbelief stop and a smie takes over. Again, she writes “I can believe how good life is!!”
This time in capital letters. I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS! I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS! I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS!
She is going to see her two-year-old nephew. She can laugh out loud with him without looking silly. They both can say I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS and make a game out of it.
The woman, me, I, am happy. I look out of the plane window at the clouds. I am contemplating limitlessness and possibilities again. “ I can believe how good life is” will be my meditation while I am on this trip to this beautiful island. You, Lord, have given me an out. My dad wasn’t able to say, “Here, Laydie. Go pursue your dreams. I will pay for everything until you succeed.” But you have done that for me. I can believe how good life is. And so, in honor of my dead father who loved me so much, in honor of my beautiful mother, who never doubted that we could be anything we wanted to be with our lives, in honor of everything that came before this moment, I accept at last. I CAN BELIEVE HOW GOOD LIFE IS!
I accept with a smile in my heart and a smile on my hips. Somehow I know that a man will never be a worry of mine again. Oooh weee, a good man is on his way! He’s fine, too! And I am gonna be that good woman standing next to him. That good woman who pays her bills, LOL.
That’s the next thing on the list: debt. In the land of limitlessness, debt does not exist, and I am contemplating limitlessness. I am not worried. You will show me where to find money. Use my brain, you whisper. Use my heart. Brilliance, You whisper. The word for next week. I can believe how good life is. Yes. I use my brain. I use my heart. I use my body. I use my Spirit. I use all of ME. My passion, too. All of me. My smile, indeed. All of me.
I think about the plane I’m in. Before the plane, there was the inspiration from You and someone knew that one day they would fly. I think about the plane and prepare for flight.
Day 369
Before the Flight
I am Lucky… I want to say it out loud. I am Lucky.
People have always told me that I was Lucky, Special, Blessed, Charmed, Unique, Different… Weird. Random so-called prophets and seers and priests and priestess and preachers and Imams have stopped me on the street all my life to tell me that I have a calling over my life.
I have never wanted to be lucky or special or gifted or different. I have never wanted to stand out. When I went from middle school to high school, I asked my mom to take me out of gifted and talented classes that I had been in all my life and put me with the regular kids so that I could be normal. She did. And when it came time to go to college, I realized that being in “normal” classes in high school meant going to a “normal” college. Because an “A” in a normal class wasn’t worth as much as an “A” in an honors class, and no matter how many A’s I made, I would never be top of my class. I had opted out of elitism…
But that didn’t stop me from standing out. I would go to parties and stand on walls, keep my mouth shut in class and never try to do too much. But try as I may, no matter where I went, I could never blend in. Leaders would find me. Powerful men would want to date me. Popular kids would seek out my friendship and the underachievers whom I called my friends would wonder how a quiet wallflower like me had gotten access to the secret world of special people. I would find my way out of the land of the lucky every time. It didn’t seem fair. I felt guilty. It just didn’t seem right that some people seemed to be able to always get everything they wanted. It didn’t seem fair that a girl like me could be privy to the kind of world that I would sometimes get access to… Girls like me didn’t live in that world: a world of being taken care of and being happy and having stuff and just being able to do whatever we wanted to do with our lives. Girls like me were not supposed to have husbands who Loved us and support systems. We were supposed to be single and struggle and have kids on our own or at least have husbands we hated. There was always supposed to be some sort of major obstacle or drama in the life of girls like me. We were victims. That’s just the way it was. We were not supposed to be lucky. Of course I never thought about these things out loud, but they lived in the bottom of my brain. This belief system always undid all of the luck that seemed to flow effortlessly towards me all of my life.
The people who knew me well knew who I was, and for the life of them, they couldn’t understand why I am not rich and famous and doing something spectacular with my life yet. “Stop shirking your responsibilities!” my sisters would yell at me after I grew up and decided never to be different again. They remembered the days that I used to do stuff, lead stuff, win and be lucky.
They didn’t understand that something deep in my subconscious had issues with being lucky, and it held me stagnant every day. I didn’t want to be lucky. I didn’t want to be special. I didn’t want to be different. And if I led the life of my dreams, then by default I would be different. I would be one of those people. Really. I would be one of those people. Like, for real. I am one of those people. I am one of those people who show up on this planet to help lift up the world. I know it like I know my own name. I know that my life is not just about having a husband and a house and some kids and a good job. That is fine for other people’s lives, but my life is really not about having at all. It’s about giving. Of course there is receiving involved. Of course there is growing and activation involved, but the giving part… There is a compulsion in the depths of my being to help wake people up to the truth of who they are…
And here we are today.
I have been placed on sick leave from work. Indefinitely. For up to two years. Paid. I had no idea this would happen. Yes, I have been sick. I have been having body issues for over a year. I have been stressed out for many months. Work has had a lot to do with it. But I had no idea that this would happen. I get to keep my health insurance. I’m seeing all kinds of doctors and getting all kinds of equipment to assist with my healing. As part of my therapy, it is recommended that I go out to nature and see my family.
I am lucky, I think to myself. How did I get this lucky? And then the guilt seeps in. I don’t want to tell my friends. I don’t even want to tell some of my family. They will feel bad. I don’t have to tell them, but this morning I recognize that there is something that I have to do for myself.
I have to accept being lucky. You see, what I call luck is really Grace finding me every time. It is telling me that I have work to do and It will make a way for me to do it. I don’t have to feel guilty about it. It is my way of moving through the world. It is not my friends’ way or my family’s way. It is my way. Grace finds me every time. Luck walks with me through life. Let it be my companion now, You say.
Be lucky. Yes. Claim it. Stand out. Because you do. Yes. There is no honor in playing small. We are not talking about ego here or vanity. We are not talking about being better or worse than anyone else. We are talking about Truth and we are talking about accepting the Truth of your own life. You see, I have provided a way for each of you to make it through this Earthly incarnation. Yours is what they call “luck”. But you have always known that. As you step into alignment with the calling of your life, I make ways out of no way for you. And you have known that as well. And you have been afraid of it. You have been afraid of this part of your life, but you have been walking towards this part of your life nonetheless. This is the part where you stop throwing away your Luck, your Gifts, your Blessings… you let go of the guilt associated with having everything, yes, EVERYTHING, you ever dreamed of.
Yes, stomach that. Dwell on it for a bit. It is already here. Right now. I have blessed you with the opportunity to live in LA, get paid, and do exactly what you want to do with your day, in addition to receiving treatment to heal your physical and mental body. Yes. Now. You. I need you to accept that you are lucky. Because it is a part of you. And you will not make it to the next level of life without accepting all parts of you. Sit up now and open your arms. Yes, you are beautiful. Yes, you are gifted and talented. Yes, you may enter the secret world of the elite any time you please. You may choose to be with the normal people, which you will. But you are not the normal people.
I need you to understand this. The difference between arrogance and confidence is subtle. Most do not understand it, but you must. Because now is not the time to stand on the wall. You are being summoned to come center stage now. Yes, you. And you must stand with confidence and humility, not arrogance. You are being called to deliver your gifts now, and each time you do so, you find yourself supported and enlivened.
I am with you always, and the more good you can accept, the more you will find. Go now. Congratulations on your new life. And Good Luck.
Day 368
Good Luck
I must admit. I love being at home in my cocoon.
Since my brother left, I have spent so much time in my apartment reading, praying, sleeping, watching old TV shows that I’ve never watched… I turn my phone on silent and face down on the weekends. Sometimes I don’t look at it ’till after three. I Love, Love, Love going on adventures in my mind.
I know. I can’t spend my weekends lounging around the house and drinking peppermint tea forever, but, oh, it has been so nice…
Today I spent hours contemplating limitlessness and the land of the living. This new guy I met, The Old Prophet, has me looking at life so different. He is like no other man I’ve ever met. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met smarter men, taller men, men who are more handsome, more successful and more worldly. I have known people who are much more fun to be around. But The Old Prophet is different than every other man I’ve met in and been with one way: he is ready and available. With the exception of the one guy who actually got down on his knee and proposed to me with an engagement ring years ago, all of the guys who I have ever dated have only spoken about being ready.
They have only ever spoken about marriage and children and lives together. And then they have disappeared, run away, taken unseen engagement rings back to stores at the slightest sign of disturbance. In retrospect, I see that they (nor I) were ever really ready to have the kind of love that we had imagined.
But The Old Prophet… Well, he is old. And he’s a prophet. LOL. And he’s not afraid of anything. And he would never disappear… I know this like I know my very breath. And he speaks to me about marriage and children. He feeds me apples and listens when I talk. And I know he prays for me every day. And when I sit across from him, he opens himself for me to see into his eyes. I can never hold his gaze, but he holds mine nonetheless. “This is what it feels like when a man is ready,” I think to myself. And I realize that I have never known this feeling before.
Good afternoon world. We are entering the land of the living. My heart beats fast just thinking about it. Today I spent time imagining what life would be like if life were really limitless. If I could really do and be anything with this physical incarnation I call my life, what would I be and do? I asked all parts of myself: body, mind, Spirit, emotions. I looked at my physical surroundings. What would I do? Where I would be? Who would I do it with?
Oh, I had such Lovely visions! I have never dared to dream on that level, without limitations, but I dreamed! I would be a writer. I would work on projects all the time: movies, books, songs, commercials. And I would have money. Money would never be an issue. I would have all debts paid in full and I would get everything with cash. I would help people. In addition to my writing projects, I would be active in my heal the world project, but I would also help other people who have their own heal the world projects. Empowering the disempowered would be a life-long adventure. Oh, and I would Love and be Loved! This was the hardest part for me to envision, but I did it.
I envisioned Love. Unabashed Love. Unconditional Love. It was so Lovely. I took snippets of things that have happened in my real life to fuel my imagination. Drinking tea in a house by a lake with Dream Lover. Chasing my little nephew at a park just after he learned how to run. My sis doing the whole birthday surprise thing for me. Sitting with Mr. Producer and talking about writing. Dancing and dancing and dancing with my girlfriends… Smiling really big after going out on a fantastic date. A beloved holding me after I had lost my apartment… I thought of all the good things, all of the Love, all of the beauty I have experienced. I thought of how I look when I have nice clothes and my hair and nails and eyebrows are done. I thought of how beautiful my living spaces have been when I actually took the time to decorate them with Love. I thought of how much fun it used to be to teach those horribly bad kids I used to teach. I would be so excited to make lesson plans. And they would be so excited to come to class.
In my visions, I saw a home somewhere. More than one bedroom. A backyard. An avocado tree. Fruits and vegetables. There was a child and another on the way — I can barely write this. There was a man who Loved me. He wasn’t going anywhere. He was never going to hurt me. He was only going to Love me more as time went on. And he was going to let me give him all the Love I have. It was a lot, but he could handle it…
Welcome to the land of the living, You tell me, God. I haven’t dreamed in years. But more than that, I haven’t actually thought that my dreams could come true in… I don’t know if I’ve ever really thought that my dreams could come true. And clothes! I haven’t had new clothes in years! Or adorned my body and my home in years! I can be real pretty when I want to be, but I haven’t wanted to be…
Anyway. Now I do. Now I want to be. The best that I can be. Yes. I want to be the best that I can be. I accept this initiation. I accept the fulfillment of these visions and even more. I accept, God. I accept, I accept, I accept, I accept, I accept, I accept, I accept.
I am entering the Land of the Living.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 367
The Land Of The Living
Speaking of entry points… Wow.
So… after my last blog entry, I got an awesome opportunity to practice what I preach. I received my bimonthly check from work. I was expecting enough money to pay my rent, pay back some debt, buy a plane ticket, give some folks some money. Instead, I received a check for $22.10.
Yes, twenty-two dollars and ten cents. For two weeks worth of work. My job screwed me. While I was on sick leave, I had requested to get paid for those two weeks using leave time I had available. When I came back to work, I saw on my timesheet that they hadn’t coded me to be paid for those two weeks. So I went all the way to the highest level of management to rectify the situation. I filled out a bunch of paperwork and was assured that I would get paid. And then my check came. $22.10.
When I told management about the check, they said that the only way I could get paid immediately is if I agreed to a 35 percent tax cut on my check… So, I will be waiting until the end of the month to get paid. I was livid, depressed, angry… I felt defeated and worried.
And then I remembered my own words. Entry points. I looked for a deeper realization of truth in the situation, and the truth slapped me in the face just like that twenty-two dollar check. It’s time to go. It’s time to do something different with my life now. I mean, it’s time to do my life now.
It is hard to see past a situation when you are in it. Doubts flood my mind. If I quit my job, what will I do? How will I pay rent? What about all of my debts? And my good good insurance? How I will I get any of that again? Fears and doubts. They flood my mind and keep me from submitting the resignation letter that I had conceived of five days ago.
I come here now for truth. I come here now to see past appearances. I just had the notion that someone is rewriting this blog. It’s OK. Thank you… But I digress.
I come here, Most High, seeking Your Guidance and Authority. We have crossed over to the other side of happy and the world that we knew is falling apart right in front of our eyes.
And this is the fun part.
This is the part where we get to practice all that we have known. This is the part where we experience for ourselves the miracle of transformation. And we start with our eyes closed, so that we can see beyond what we see.
Beyond our homes. Beyond the current state of our relationships. Beyond our neighborhood, beyond our place of work. We close our eyes that we may see the truth of our lives. We close our eyes that we might remember why we are here. In this place. In this neighborhood. In this relationship. At this moment in time. Has this experience served it’s purpose?
– Yes
And is it time to move on?
-Yes
And what did you gain? And what did you give in this?
I learned about God. I learned about Peace. I learned about releasing the past and completing relationships and forgiveness. And I gave Love. So much Love. I gave Love on purpose at last.
You see, every act is an act of creation. Whether you lie on the bed, write a blog, have sex, abstain, move, stay, quit, keep going… let go, hold on… All of it matters. And every moment is creating the next moment.
As we close our eyes, we do not see the circumstances that confound us, we see the vast light ahead of us. We see the entry point that we are standing at. The darkness is behind us. For now. It will come again as we reach new heights. And these entry points will only become more vast and more wide. With each episode, with each chapter of our lives, we emerge lighter, wiser, and more open, if we choose for it to be that way.
And I choose for it to be that way.
As I close my eyes, I am standing on an open field. Children run towards me. I can barely write this. My children… They are happy and beautiful. They are so happy… Behind me is a house. A man is coming home soon. Our bills are paid and we do good work in the world. I have seen versions of this scene before, in other people’s lives. Never have I seen it as my own. This, You say, is what I am stepping into. This is the Truth I am looking at.
Mind entertains doubts. “Fiction!” it screams. And for once we put mind in check. No. You don’t get to run things this time. This time, we start with Spirit. Truth is, everything to come from this point forward is fiction, dear mind. We have never seen any of it. We have never been this happy before. We have never been this free. We have never Loved so much. Our relationships have never been so good. We have never been this honest. So all of it, everything from now on is based on make believe. What we make, and what we believe.
I know, this entry is all over the place. I didn’t start out with a topic in mind and am just letting the thoughts and inspiration flow through. Bear with me please. I don’t want to delete this entry and start over or edit it, because the truth is, there are times when you have to walk through the fog in your mind before you can get some clarity. You just have to walk through it.
Don’t believe the shit. $22.10 my ass. Don’t believe it. Circumstances will make you think that your world is falling apart, but if you look past the appearances, you might just find that everything is actually falling together. Let it. I know it’s scary, maybe the scariest thing ever. You don’t know what will happen next. You don’t know how you will survive, but look at it this way. You know what will happen if things stay the same. They will stay the same.
Let this new thing that is calling you forward bring you forward. Upward. Onwards. Let it awaken your Soul. There is life in you yet. Oh, let yourself experience how brilliant you are. Let yourself experience how strong you are. Let yourself know that Grace can find you in spite of all that has happened. Grace can find you. Yes, even you. Let it. Let it come together now. Let it fall apart now. It is All coming together. It is all falling apart.
What I have discovered is that in the midst of all of the breaking down and falling apart and pain and despair and confusion… In the midst of all of that, if you just take a moment to look for it, you will find hope. It is the last thing to die and I would posture that if you are still alive, then it means that hope is still alive. Grab ahold of it and let it lead you on…
Ameen.
Day 366
$22.10 (The Cost of A Revelation)
Hey there.
Just got done working a bit on my new script. I love it. I love working on it. The ideas are flowing easily and naturally and I get all excited when I write.
This isn’t going to be my last entry. I will keep it going a while longer, until this transition to the other side is stabilized. I’m already here, but I’m not used to living this way yet.
New players in my life script let me know that drastic change is here. Energy courses through my body and I am able to exercise and move around again. My body is finally healing for good. Due to it’s breakdown, I discovered Kundalini yoga, a different diet, deep belly breathing, vibrational chanting, and various self-care modalities.
I am so peaceful these days, I barely recognize myself. I used to be in constant fights with everyone all the time. Some of the people I used to fight are still fighting other people, but not me. I’m not a part of that anymore.
I have been meeting men galore. Every time I step outside, there is someone new. At first it seemed pretty scary. You know? Men are my weakness. In my past, I haven’t really functioned well when I’ve been emotionally engaged with men. And so when they approach me these days, I associate them with breakdowns. This weekend, though, I decided to face my fears and engage with men again. Can’t say it was 100 percent smooth sailing, but I can say that it was better than I thought. Someone took me on a date to dinner and dancing. He wanted me to meet his family the next day. Another guy made an appointment for us to go to this wonderful myofascial body therapist together. Finally, someone else told me that he sees me as a diamond in the rough and he would like to help me step into my full potential. What can I say? These men are totally different than the kind of guys I have dated in the past. They come with gifts. They see me for who I really am, and they are willing to acknowledge it and tell me good things about myself instead of constantly playing chess, trying not be vulnerable. They have been praying and meditating long before they met me. They do things in the world that help people. They tell the truth and they don’t run away. They are mature, and although they are willing to help me in some areas in life, they don’t see as a project that needs fixing, or a woman that needs to get with their program. They like me as I already am…
The last guy, who happens to be a massage therapist among other things, and who also happens to go to my spiritual center, peaks my interest the most. I like him because he lives in prayer and he doesn’t try to force anything. He is open to being completely giving and completely receptive. I’ll call him the Old Prophet, because that’s what he reminds me of. He’s a person who can see the deeper layers of things…
I can’t write long today. I have to go to work. I want to offer something to the world this morning, though, because life is reigniting in my body and I feel like I have something to offer. Whatever time you are in, whatever moment you are experiencing is an entry point to a deeper realization of the truth of life. Let it lead you. Let it inform you. And if it breaks you, let it teach you how to get back up with all of the pieces of your true self in tact.
We are riding the waves of life together, each one breathing life into the other. Each one taking life from the other. It can be a dance instead of a war. It can be peaceful instead of tumultuous. It can be open instead of closed. It can be greater than anything you can imagine in this present moment. Trust me. I know. Because I am here. And I never imagined I would be here with Love coursing through my veins in spite of all that would have me hate.
May your day be Blessed. May your life be Blessed. May this moment be an entry point for you…
Ameen.
Day 365
Entry Points
Good morning Lovers,
I hope all is well. All is well with me. In fact, I think I haven’t felt this way in years. Probably 2012. When I won that car and trip, etc.
My situation is the same. I live at the same place. I work at the same place. I make the same amount of money. I have changed, though. A lot. I am at peace.
So much happens every single day that it’s hard to keep up and write about the details. Those three weeks of work therapy may have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I went back to work and wrote a letter to the President of my company explaining everything that had been happening to me at work for the past five months. I used the techniques I learned in work therapy class. 1. Explain the facts with exact dates. 2. Say how you feel and how that affects your job performance and life. And 3. Tell them what action you’d like to be taken. If you don’t know, months ago, I had been wrongfully accused of informing a coworker/friend of mine about an investigation that the job was doing on her. My job wanted me to sign a letter saying that I was an informant and I wouldn’t sign it. I went to the Union to contest the letter and the whole process took over three months of meeting with different people. After the last meeting, my job told the Union that due to a technicality, I couldn’t contest the letter.
Then they tried to change my evaluation and put the contents of the letter on my evaluation. I went to the Union again and contested that. I won and they changed my evaluation back to the original. Shortly thereafter, I was supposed to go on vacation and my vacation hours had mysteriously disappeared from the computer system. Well into the time that I was supposed to be on vacation, my supervisor still did not tell me what had happened to my vacation hours. In fact, they had stopped talking to me. I couldn’t breathe. My head hurt all the time. I couldn’t concentrate while at work. I went to the doctor and she put me on immediate stress leave and I didn’t go back to work the next day…
During my stress leave, I got three weeks to center and reevaluate my life. They made me (and a group of other stressed-out workers) took classes on communication, assertiveness, mindfulness, and self care. I went to my favorite park and my favorite food stores. Two days before going back to work, I got my check and saw that they had marked me as absent for my sick leave days and hadn’t paid me. When I went back to work and looked at my time sheet, I saw that they had marked me absent without pay for the entire three weeks, even though I had sent them a very detailed letter asking to use all available leave time to compensate for my sick leave.
All I could think of was my peace of mind. There was no way I was going to moving due to the inability to pay rent. There was no way I was gonna go without healthy food. I couldn’t believe they were messing with my money. My breath started to get short, but I stopped and used the techniques I learned in class. I breathed and breathed and prayed. Then I took action. I wrote a letter to the President of the company and told her everything that had happened. “This situation has made it very difficult for me to function at work. I feel like I have no recourse to unwarranted adverse actions taken against me,” I wrote. And then I waited. Two days after my return to work, I had a meeting with upper management. The president had gotten my letter and management was under investigation by some secret unit that I never knew existed at my job. It was too late for them to pay me for the two missing days on my check, but right in front of my face, they changed my time sheet for the next to week from absent without pay to paid. They asked me what else they could do, and I told them.
That was this past Monday. Within a week, they had corrected or attempted to correct all of their errors. Then on Friday I had an emergency and had to leave work for a few hours. I told my supervisor that I would come in to work from 12 to 5 and he said “OK, Laydie.” When I came in to work, he waited until 3pm told me that I would only be paid for four hours instead of five. He said that I had to take a lunch. When I told him that I thought we had agreed for me to work from 12 to 5, he said that he had never agreed. He said that saying “OK” did not indicate agreement… First, I told him that I was going to take an hour lunch, but then I thought about. Nope. It wasn’t right. I went back and told him that I didn’t think what he was doing was fair. We argued and agreed to disagree. Finally, I said, “You can put absent for four hours on my time sheet. I will put absent for three hours on the timesheet I am filling out. When upper management sees the discrepancy and asks why, I will explain to them what happened.” I walked out of his office.
The interesting thing is that I wasn’t worried. I was calm. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I didn’t care. I wasn’t even mad at him. He had always been a coward and he was just being himself. He had agreed to my working hours, but now, maybe upper management didn’t like that decision, so he was trying to blame me, classic coward style. It was OK. That’s what cowards do. I said a prayer and blessed him and went back to work. About fifteen minutes before the end of the day, he came and apologized. He said he would notate my timesheet as absent for three hours. I apologized as well…
I am winning. Finally. I am finally standing up for my right to be treated with decency. Did you know there is something written down in the UN that talks about our basic human rights? We all have a right to be treated with decency.
My neighbor bought me some food the other day and gave me his bus card so that I could get around town. He knew that one month of docked pay was hurting me. He makes me want to write poems and stuff. I realized that he’s not and will never be my man. He’s so cool and loving, but I actually couldn’t ever see myself building a life with him. But he’s an awesome person and friend, and I’m glad to know him.
My friendships are very few these days. There is no man that I’m dating. Guys call sometimes, but I’m in the market for a husband, and they’re not it, so I don’t show them much interest. New Boo lingers around, but he’s afraid of vulnerability and everything else that’s necessary in order to fall in love. There’s nothing more I can do to try and make him feel safe. I remain open to Love and only Love.
I applied for that professional program that I got nominated for. I don’t know what will happen, but I did my best. Just being nominated was an honor in and of itself. It means someone out there thinks I’m a professional writer. It means there’s hope.
I don’t really know how I have lived with such drama and such stress and chaos and such heartache in my life for such a long time. I don’t know how I have carried so much pain in my heart. I don’t know how I ended up having so many dysfunctional relationships. No wonder my body and my mind finally broke down. It was time to do life completely differently. It is time.
I have said it was time before now, but here is the difference between now and then. Now I am ready. I have been tested. The same storms brew around me, but I walk calmly in the midst of them. Loneliness still pokes me sometimes, but I would rather be alone in lieu of spending time with people I am not in alignment with. And the best thing. When I put in that application for that professional program, I didn’t feel fearful or doubtful or have a panic attack, like I would do in the past. Instead, I felt hopeful. I imagined how happy I would be working with whoever I would be working with. That kind of life seemed very plausible for me. I thought about how I would be myself and share myself with my coworkers. I thought about how they probably have never met a woman like me.
Today is a peaceful day. I am in the in-between, the place where I know that the thoughts and the intentions that I am setting are going to pass. And so I think good thoughts, thoughts of gratitude and well being. Thoughts of love and joy. Thank you, Allah. Insha’Allah, this new life is going to be good…
It already is.
Ameen.
Day 364
Peaceful Things
hownottocryeveryday 