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Day 361 – At One

September 21, 2014

Hi there,

I woke up feeling really unsettled this morning… Supposed to be meeting with some friends in a bit, so don’t have time to mope around…

Saw My Almost One yesterday. Dream come true stuff. He said the magic words I never thought would come from his mouth. After telling him how I had felt about all the stuff he had done, he said, “You’re right. I apologize.” And we hung out and had the best time together… I was able to see the deep well of kindness in him… He actually asked me questions about myself and my life for the first time ever. He was actually interested. And we joked and laughed. He gave me some money because he knew I needed it… At the end of our time together, we both had to come to terms with the question: Is he my husband and am I his wife… The answer was no for both of us. 😦

We finally had a nice peaceful, enjoyable, fearless, loving time together only to come to the conclusion that, no, we weren’t the ones for each other. Somehow it seems like once upon a time, even six months ago, we were the ones for each other. But then we realized that something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t like the way he smelled. I don’t think he liked the fact that I always seem to be barely making it… Almost, though.

The closure had come, and although I’m glad we got it, it was still yet another closed door. The last closed door, to be honest. There are a couple of guys on my list that I never got in contact with, but they are not people who I think that we could have possibly gotten back together. Dream Lover still lingers, but the truth of the matter is, Dream Lover is a priest in his religion, and I really have no interest in ever being a part of his religion. I also don’t like his music and he thinks he’s the best musician on Earth, so after all the butterflies settled, there were real issues that probably would have caused us to never make it. I let go of the idea of him ever coming back and making good on anything he said. I release him. Here and now. He is forgiven. All words and promises and agreements are null and void. He may go in peace. He may be in peace. Oh, Peace to you, Love. Peace to you. I will hold you hostage no more and I will be bound by thoughts of you never again. You are free to go and I am free to go. Peace and Love to You, King. May your path be Blessed beyond your fondest dreams… Ameen.

I am at zero. I do believe that the last time that I didn’t have a single guy to crush on was before I hit puberty. Yesterday my one LA female friend cancelled on yet another outing, and I realized that I’m pretty much at zero as far as friends are concerned as well… I’m at zero with my job. I’m about to either get fired or quit. I’m at zero with my apartment. I realize that this neighborhood will no longer do… I’m at zero, meaning my life doesn’t suit me anymore and there is nothing that I wish to hold onto.

Previously, I was at about negative 30. I had all this baggage from my past that had me crying and pontificating every day. I don’t have any of that anymore (well, maybe some slight residual dust lingering).

But right now, all I have to look forward to is what life may bring. The past is over. And this is the really horrifying part. We hold on so tightly to the past, because we are sure about it. Even though we may not like our job or our lover or our apartment, we know what to expect. Our life may not thrill us that much, but at least we have settled into it. I have spent the past year waking up at 7:00am, chatting with the homeless man and security guard on the street and walking seven minutes to my job, talking to particular coworkers about their lives, coming home to my brother lying on his bed, going out on “almost dates” with almost exes, meeting with my producer and getting engaged in various family issues.

And now I want to change it all up. And the fear comes. Where will I find new friends? What job will I have? Should I move? Where to? Who’s gonna be my husband? What’s gonna happen with me? How am I gonna make a bunch of money and get out of debt? What about my scripts and books and songs? Are they ever gonna see the light of day? Am I ever gonna be normal and be all right? What about Love?

The future has no answers. It only sits there, out of reach and out of sight and taunts me. “Try and see,” It says…

And so I go to You, God. I can no longer afford to be weak or afraid. I can no longer afford to go crazy. I can no longer afford to be sick. Time is of the essence. I can no longer afford to be laying in the bed every day crying and stuff…

I close my eyes… Life above zero requires action and faith. Action because I have to actually DO stuff and faith because I have never known life above and I have to trust that there is this real place where one’s destiny is fulfilled. I have to trust in the possibility of Love and Happiness, otherwise I will get right back on that bed and get depressed.

I close my eyes… Highest of All High, I seek You. I listen and for once, I Obey. I seek Guidance and You say I already know the direction to go.

-I am on the right path, You say.

Is it You talking to me or is it my own voice?

-I am Your own voice, You say… The directions are clear. Now is the time for action. You are at the zero point, but poison lingers in your mind. Fear creeps in at times, clouding your judgement and inhibiting action.

– My prescription for you is action. You will find fear and past emotions taunting you all along the way. Do not repress them. Simply know that they are just fear and emotions, but they have no power over your action. Walk your path anyway, and soon you will find a wonderful companion. Faith that can not be broken. Soon and finally you will know that your life is a good life and your way is peaceful way and your heart is a pure heart. Oh, it is not far away from you now, Laydie. We are at the last leg of this journey. Know that Angels surround you. Know that people you don’t even know are rooting for you and praying for you. Know that even though you can not see the future, it is better than the present and the past, because We are finally starting at zero. And reach towards that which is better than the present and the past. Reach towards that which is good. Become that which is good. Give that which is good…

We are starting at one… Finally, we are starting at one.

Day 361

At One

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From → The Alive Part

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