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Day 359 – Falling Apart

September 17, 2014

Good morning.

I haven’t been doing too well. Sorry. I’ve sat down and tried to write this blog several times over the past couple of weeks, only to write an entry, delete it, try again, and finally not post anything.

I’m going to post this one no matter how it comes out.

My whole man clean-up thing was intense. I had endeavored to scan my life and bring closure to any lingering relationships that involved men. You know, anyone who I thought we ended really bad or maybe I was sitting around waiting and hoping they’d come back in my life some day, or maybe I felt like they were waiting for me. I made a list of all the people I thought I hadn’t had closure with yet, and then people who I hadn’t spoken to in years started showing up in my life out of the blue.

My emotions were all over the place. I didn’t realize that I had had so many deep attachments to so many people. Furthermore, I didn’t realize that almost everyone who I called “friend” was some man secretly waiting for us to have a romantic relationship. The man clean-up was intense. After cleaning out all of my relationships, I was left with only one friend, someone who lives in another state. It left me feeling broken-hearted and full of sorrow and grief. It left me feeling so lonely because there was no one left. No one to fantasize about. No one to hope for and look forward to. It left me feeling… Everything.

And some days the feelings were so intense that it was difficult to get off the bed and go to work. At the same time, my managers at work lost their minds and they started doing things to blatantly harass me. I don’t know if I told you, but some months ago, the managers at my job tried to coerce me and get me to sign a letter admitting that I was involved in a work violation that I wasn’t involved in. Well, I didn’t sign the letter and in fact I told on them. I had to have many meetings with many people, and eventually my managers got in trouble…. Then they tried to get back at me. Their most recent retaliation was them making my vacation hours magically disappear with no explanation…

I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life, because I realized I was having a hard time getting life right and I wanted a second opinion. The psychiatrist said that I had an overload of stressors in many areas of my life and very little support. She recommended that I take three weeks off work and go to a group therapy class called work clinic. So… this is day four off work.

Sorry passes through my body. Grief attacks me in the middle of the night and on the train. Fear… Fear is everywhere. It’s debilitating. What will I do next? Where will I go? Where will I live? Will I make any new friends? Will this part of my life ever pass? I haven’t gotten used to it, you know. And when I sat across from the psychiatrist the other day, I realized that the majority of my life has been full of stress and striving and sorrow. I realized that there was and has always been some sort of chaos and drama in my family. I realized that generally speaking, I am always a support system for someone who is either not willing or not able to support me back. Everything that is happening now is nothing new. It is just an extreme culmination of everything that has been happening in my life for quite some time.

Except this time is different. It feels different. This time is not just another episode of depression and helplessness. This time there is some silver lining underneath everything that is happening. I have initiated the falling apart of my life, and as a result a sense of panic, anxiety and sorrow has ensued. But this time is different. This time, I am going to let everything fall apart and keep only the things that serve me moving forward. Because the truth is, I don’t want my job. I am completely underemployed and none of my skills or talents are being used at that job. The truth is, most of the relationships I had were draining at best. The truth is, the neighborhood I live in is full of pollution. The truth is, it time to have a different life.

Yesterday I was crippled by an overwhelming desire to give. Yes, I wanted to give. I wanted to show up as all that I am. And I will finally say it. I am pretty awesome. Yes, I am. I am pretty strong. And I’m pretty intuitive and caring. I am kind and smart and talented. I know how to lead stuff and see the root of things. I am beautiful on the inside. And, oh, I can Love. Oh, I have such a deep well of Love in me. And I am wise.

It scary. Letting go of the life you’ve known is downright frightening and I don’t recommend it for all people at all times. You will fall apart. It’s only common sense. You are asking to fall apart. You are asking for everything to be different and there will be an adjustment period where the new has not yet appeared and yet you realize that the old is gone. And you will be afraid. And maybe sad.

This is the time to call upon all that you are and all that you’ve known. This is the time to step into your own shoes. This is the time to bring out the strong stuff and the Love stuff and the faith stuff. This journey had not been in vain. You have learned things. You have gained courage. You have realized that even when you have not known how you would make it through a given day, you have made it through. Call upon the Love in you. Call upon the Peace in you. Call upon your Power and Strength. Let that that would fall apart pass through and fall. No need to pretend the breakdown isn’t happening. Just let it break. Let it go. It will pass through. Maybe you will cry or tremble or get a headache or whatever, but eventually it will pass through.

This time is about you being willing to let the fear and the sorrow and the grief pass. To let it all fall and then see what is left. You will still be here, and you will be neutral now, walking without the weight of the past, but with all of its lessons. And from this place, a place of serenity, a place of self awareness, a place of faith and strength, we build again. Yes, for the first time we walk towards the life we’ve always known is ours…

“May that which you seek come rushing to meet you.” -EH


Day 359

Falling Apart

From → The Alive Part

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