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Day 355 – Those (Sad) Days Are Gone

August 23, 2014

You can probably tell that I’m trying not to let this end.

I’ve never been particularly good with endings. The fact that I told myself that my life would be totally transformed after 365 days of intentional contemplation doesn’t help either.

Good morning, World. It’s Saturday. My favorite day of the week. Today is no exception. The energy in the world is easy on Saturdays. I am easy and relaxed. I’ve been having wonderful dreams lately. This morning I dreamed that my mom was here cooking for the video shoot that I’m about to have and my brother was helping to paint…

I’m shooting a commercial today. It’s gonna be my first time running a set and being behind a camera in years. The cast is more than ten people and we have some complex shots.

I am nervous. I heard about the opportunity late, and so we had very little time to plan. In fact, I can write long because I need to get working. My brother may not help. My mom is in another state…

You find out who your friends are when you really need something. I’m glad to say that I haven’t really been surprised. The people who I thought would be there for me have been there for me and the people who’s support I doubted have found something else to do today, go to the beach or something…

My brother just got home… I promised myself not to talk too much about my family on this blog. They are very private people and I know they don’t want their business in the street. But I must deal with this feeling I have towards my brother. He doesn’t appear to be on my team, you know?

But wow… I just asked him to help… paint… And he said he would!

Wow. Surprises every day. I’m gonna do this. I promise. I don’t want talk too much about it. I just want to do it. Ten days, huh? Ten days of pushing. Sometimes it’s time to push and sometimes you go easy. This is a time to push. My body is recovering and it has more energy. It can handle a bit of pushing now. My emotions are more sensitive than ever, but my brain works now and I actually care about myself a bit. I demand Love from the people I invite into my circle and I step away from those who would hurt me. Although I have been used to being a fighter most of my life, I’m really a lover. Now, I can curse someone out and throw punches if I need to, but most of the time I don’t need to. And I don’t want to. Most of the time I want to be happy.

You remember when I couldn’t even say I wanted to live? You remember when I couldn’t even imagine that good things were possible for me? You remember the days I would go into anxiety attacks just at the thought of writing my script or when I was couch hopping from house to house living in the most dire of situations? You remember when I had demonized my brother so much in my mind that I couldn’t even think a kind thought towards him? Do you remember when my heart was broken into a thousand pieces and I had all these men in my life who never quite wanted to assume the responsibilities of being someone’s man, but always wanted to reap the benefits? Do you remember when I would say I’m a writer but never write? And I would say I’m a lover but never love? There were days when I didn’t honor my feelings or thoughts and by consequence I allowed those around me to dishonor me as well. There were moments, y’all, when life didn’t seem worth living. When it seemed as if suffering and sadness and heartache and loneliness were the only options for me…

Do you remember when the other side of happy was only a dream somewhere out there, never to be realized?..

I remember. And I like to officially announce: THOSE DAYS ARE OVER. Those days are over, you hear? Those days are over. Claim it for yourself. Those. Days. Are. Over. Forever. Casted back into the nothingness from which they came. Those days are over. And we do not condemn the darkness from whence we came. We honor it for the compassion and Love and Wisdom and Courage and Strength it has taught us. We thank it for forcing us to reconnect with Truth. We are grateful because now when tragedies and disappointments come, we know from experience that those days can be over and we don’t stay on the bed crying for too long, because we have seen that life can be worth living. We have seen that we, yes we, with our little selves, can bring light even to our own lives.

And we bring it. Today, God, I walk in the light of all of who I am. I give thanks for the Love growing in me. I give thanks for the Courage growing in me. I give thanks for the Strength moving in me. I give thanks for the Peace of Mind taking me over.

The days of sorrow are something I will write about in a book one day. They will help me be able to look at those who suffer and know that they are not their suffering. I look forward to new days now, though? You hear? I look forward to new days…

Day 355

Those (Sad) Days Are Gone

From → The Alive Part

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