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Day 370 – Soul Mates And Life Mates

November 12, 2014

Why are big, strong men so afraid of an angry woman?

Good morning World. I got into an argument with the Old Prophet. I was angry. He didn’t take me to the airport and he didn’t arrange for me to get my car jumped when the battery had died, even though he has a car, jumper cables, and triple A. I got to the airport and I got my car jumped, but that wasn’t the point. The point was, he didn’t make sure I was taken care of, even though he opens his big fat mouth talking about how he wants me to have his baby and how I’m his woman.

The day before I left, we went on an outing, which is when we discussed the fact that he’s not taking me to the airport. We had had a misunderstanding. He had offered to take me, but we didn’t confirm. I just thought he was taking me. Then, on the morning before I left, I brought it up and he told me he wasn’t taking me. He had made an appointment for that time. End of story. I got upset, but I refrained from saying “What kind of shit is this? Where they do that at?” like I was thinking. Instead, I kept quiet and sat in the passenger side of the car pouting. He changed the subject and started talking about the pretty sky. When I didn’t respond, he asked, “Are you pouting?”. “I’m upset,” I said. “Do you want to turn around and go home?” he asked…. Why did he ask that? I told him I didn’t want to turn around.

We went on the outing and had a good time. We didn’t really talk about the airport situation, except that I told him (in a very calm voice) that I thought if someone wanted to be a person’s man and father of her child, you would think that he would want to see her off to the airport. He agreed, but didn’t say he was changing his plans for the next morning. He was going to work that day after our outing, and before we parted, I asked him if I was seeing him that night. He said we’d play it by ear… That night, I called him, but there were no ears. He didn’t answer. He texted me at 8 the next morning telling me how exhausted he was and that he had been awake for eighteen hours and didn’t get home until 11p. He wished me a safe trip. I had nothing to say. Well, I did. “Safe trip?” I thought, along with many other curse words.I had taken a taxi to the airport that morning…

When we finally talked, I told him what I thought about him. I didn’t curse, but there was anger in my voice. I called him a runner and I told him that I thought he used spirituality as an excuse not to deal with conflict. He said he felt drained and was ready to go. Then I went off. “Go!” I said. “Since you can’t manage to have a conversation unless we’re talking about flowers and roses. I guess I’ll talk to you only when I’m happy and joyful and pleased with everything you do.”

We hung up. Later that evening he texted me. He said that telling me he wanted to have my baby was a mistake. Runner shit. We talked. He said that he didn’t recognize the angry woman who had spoken to him earlier in the day. How could he? He’s never seen me angry. We’ve only known each other a little over a month! He’s never seen anything but the best of me. We talked and talked and came to no conclusion. “We have a huge difference in how we view relationships, so I don’t see how this could work,” he said. “I still think you are the mother of my child, but I shouldn’t have told you,” he said. There was deep pain between us. Why was it so deep? Both of us wanted to part ways, but not really. “Do you want to part ways?” I asked. No. He didn’t. He wanted to keep the door open, but he didn’t want to call me his woman or say I Love you anymore. The fear had set in.

Of course I could change everything. I could simply say “I Love you. Be my man and let’s have this baby” and everything would be better than ever. But I can’t say those words. Because I don’t mean them. I mean the ‘I Love you’ part, but not the rest. Whenever I get with a man, I think of the song by the Pussycat Dolls called “Stick With You”. I think I’d like it to be my wedding song. The chorus of the song goes:

Nobody gonna love me better
I’m a stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I’m a stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I’m a stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I stick with you.

I have known some phenomenal men in my life. The Old Prophet is phenomenal in his own way. But he was right. We have a huge difference in how we view relationships. I expect to be taken care of by my man. And, yes, I can believe I’m writing this. I couldn’t have written it a few years ago. I never had any expectations. As long as I felt compelled to be with you, you were in. I would build whole fantasy lives with men based upon some unexplainable attraction. I’d call them soul mates and to be honest, they probably were. But I don’t think soul mates are what we think they are.

Soul mates are people who a deeper part of you feels a deeper inexplicable connection to. It’s not only in a romantic capacity, though, and I don’t think that a soul mate is always a life mate. Because the soul is just the beginning. And everyone doesn’t listen to or even acknowledge the soul. Heck, most people don’t listen to the soul all the time… Because I am a woman who has been proposed to more than four times by men who profess to be my soul mates (all within a month of them meeting me), and because I have never married any of them, I have come to recognize that the deep connection thing is not all there is to it. After that, there’s the actual person and who they are choosing to be in the world.

And so, if you have a deep connection with someone, as I did with my first love, but they can’t tell the truth to save their life, or they are addicted to conflict, or have ridiculous control issues… If they feel insecure if you succeed or if you know that marrying them would mean that you will never get a birthday gift, Valentine’s gift, card, flower or anything that you like ever again in life… if the package they’re packing is not the package for you, if they don’t go dancing but you love dancing.. you get my drift… if they are a different religion and think everyone who’s not their religion (including you) is the devil… then you may want to reconsider if soul mates is all it takes.

The truth is, I don’t think The Old Prophet has ever truly taken care of a woman in his entire life. I don’t think he’s even aware of whether he believes in taking care of women. I think he believes in everybody taking care of themselves and the thought of taking care of another person makes him sick… That’s fine. But I don’t believe in that. I believe that when you choose your partner, your life mate, your soul mate, you become him and he becomes you. You dive deep into him and his woes are your woes. His joy is your joy. Of course, you both do your own work to find and sustain your own happiness, but part of your commitment to each other is to support each other on this life journey.

You are each other’s number one support system. Old Prophet offers support in his own way, but not in the way I would expect from the person I call my man. But there is no need to get upset. I Love him anyway. But I will have to let him go. It hurts and I don’t want to. Because I Love him. And somewhere I know that he is one of my soul mates. I don’t want to break up with him, God. He will never break up with me. He will never speak his heart unless I initiate the conversation. It’s the way he is.

Most High, we are building a relationship. I call You now for Guidance. I am strong and Loving and forgiving. I am wise. He is not my life mate, I know. But it doesn’t feel like it’s time to say goodbye. He is one of my soul mates. How can I say goodbye to him?

This blog is getting too long. I won’t edit it. I’ll publish it. It’s important to me. Soul mates vs life mates. Recognizing soul mates is the easy part for me. Life mates is different. He’s giving me the opportunity to be a creator and to make decisions. He’s not, but you are, God. However I choose for this thing to play out with Old Prophet is how it will play out.. OK. So I choose for it to play out in a righteous way. I’ll be cursed for life if I offend a prophet. Other men are knocking on my door. They are always knocking. They can’t come in. Not until things are clear w me and Old Prophet.

No more men issues. This is the last. He is the last before my husband. Just no more. I know now. I know what I need and I know how to be a good woman to a good man. Fine. I have more work to do with expressing myself when I’m angry. Geez. Now I won’t curse, dump or call names. I get it. Men can’t stand it, even if the names you call the are true. They are like anyone else. They want you to always see the best in them. They want to be forgiven and Loved. And if you must chastise, they want to feel safe in your chastisement. This is grown-up stuff…

You say I can let the pain of the Old Prophet go. Talk to him. Tell him the truth. He will understand. And then finish. You have more Love for him and he has more Love for you before the two of you move on to your life mates, so finish. Love him into his new life and he will help usher you into yours…

It is done. It is done. And it is done…

Ameen.

Day 370

Soul Mates And Life Mates

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