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Day 373 – A Prescription For Wellness (The Ugly Side of Healing)

December 17, 2014

Good morning,

I haven’t been able to sleep all night. I’ve been tossing and turning… I deleted the last two entries that I made here. I’ve never done that before, but they were just so crazy… I didn’t want them.

I can believe that life is this good.

Folks, we have entered the real land of the living. I have been going through so many changes in the past month. Usually it takes a whole year for me to have this much activity. A brief recount:

– I broke up with the Old Prophet for several reasons, but mainly because he treated me like shit when I needed him.

– I got really, really sick (physically), sicker than I’ve ever been in my life. I got diagnosed with an incurable illness and almost died. I became really depressed.

– I got undiagnosed with the incurable illness. (I should sue the doctors for the mental trauma they put me through, but I won’t, because I’m just so happy not to have the sickness they thought I had). I’m still not feeling well, though, and doctor’s still don’t know what’s wrong with me.

– I went and saw all 23 of the family members and people I lived with growing up. We celebrated my brother’s graduation. The city I come from is very different than the city I live in. My lifestyle is very different than the lifestyle I grew up in. I am far, far away from home, and yet, upon returning to my room and my windows with the birds chirping, I realize that this is home, too. I Love having the space and the freedom to be exactly who I want to be…

– Prior to all of this major shifting, I had gone to see the alternative health practitioner that I go to see sometimes. She specializes in releasing cellular density and helping to clear one’s vibrational field. I blame her for all the changes that have taken place since I saw her, but I’m glad I saw her. There is an ugly side to healing that people don’t talk about. That’s what this morning’s blog is about.

So here we are. World, I have been breaking down in a serious way. But I am not broken. I asked for all of this. You know the saying. “I asked for Strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.”

Getting well is a catch 22. When you are depressed or sick, all you want to do is sleep or cry or lash out. And yet those very things are the things that will keep you depressed or sick. If you want to get out of depression, you can’t sleep all day. You have to get off the bed and face your problems. You have to move in a direction of resolving things. And it hurts. It’s hard. People don’t act the way you want them to, you become overwhelmed by emotions, you find out that you are not as nice as you thought you were, or that some people who you thought Loved you only Love you if… Your body does all kind of weird things, like trembling or throwing up or getting super tired for no good reason. And there are so many tears. You don’t want to read books about healing. You don’t want to go out in the world where it’s dangerous and someone else may hurt you. You don’t want to go for your dreams any more, because what if someone else rejects you? You don’t want to cry anymore. You are tired of crying…

And don’t get me started about getting well while one is sick. When you are sick, you don’t want to eat. You don’t want to exercise. You don’t want to drink water. Medicine tastes disgusting and you don’t want to take it. You don’t want to go outside. Yet, you have to do those very things in order to get well.

I understand all of this. I have lived it. I am living it now… The birds on the tree outside of my window just started to chirp. I didn’t think they’d be here this morning because it rained all night. But they are here.

It’s 7:06 am and we are talking about what to do about the ugly side of healing. What do you do when you know that you have such a long way to go? When the bills keep coming but the income doesn’t? When you are sick and doctors can’t tell you what’s wrong and the healing you have experienced has come from alternative healers who essentially tell you that you have to change your entire life to get well? What do you do when you know who you are and yet you know that you are not living your life in the fullness of who you are? What do you do when your heart is broken and you are disappointed with the world? What do you do when you can barely walk for ten minutes without experiencing extreme exhaustion, and yet you have to walk for thirty minutes in order to accomplish what you need to accomplish for the day? How do you get off the bed and take your medicine?

This is the part where we move from theory and talking to action. I have finally come to a place where my life depends on taking action on what I know. And here’s what I know: There is more to life than meets the eye. In the midst of your darkest hour, there is choice. This is powerful. We have been thinking we are victims all of this time, but it is not true. There is choice! Listen to this, please. There is choice. You can choose to keep moving forward. You can choose to keep Loving and to keep your heart open. It won’t make sense. Your mind will give you every reason to quit and get a safe job. It will give you every reason to settle for a romantic partner who doesn’t make you feel vulnerable (or who doesn’t make you feel anything for that matter).

But you don’t have to settle. You don’t have to give up on your dreams. You don’t have to resign yourself to being sick for life and just taking medications that treat your symptoms. You don’t have to stay caught up in a constant sea of drama and misery. Step back from it all. Step back from all of it and look at your life. Look at your life as if you were watching yourself in a movie. Here is this character (you) with certain issues. They have certain goals and objectives. They have secret longings that no one knows about. They have things that they would like to heal. But they are at a place that is hard for them. They are at a crossroads. What would you tell them to do next? Would you tell them to rest? Would you tell them to let go of certain relationships? Or to move somewhere else and change their environment? Would you tell them to keep walking in the direction they are walking? If you were watching the movie of your life would you let the main character know that everything is going to be OK? Would you tell him or her that they are stronger than they know?

I am watching the movie of my own life, and as a writer who knows about story structure, I know exactly where I am. I am in the second act and I am nearing the climax. It is the part where the main character has been faced with certain obstacles and they have to overcome them. It is the part right before Harry Potter becomes Harry Potter. It is the part right before Fraulein Maria returns to the Von Trapp family in Sound of Music. It is the part where one decides whether they are going to move forward in the fullness of who they are or whether they are going to quit and choose another life path. There are major obstacles to overcome and the overcoming of said obstacles help to build the character that will be necessary to sustain the lifestyle that one is calling forth…

Now is not the time to quit. I am there already. I am there already. I am on the other side of happy already. I am in the land of the living already, scuffed and scarred by the journey, weak but still alive. And Grateful to be here. I am Grateful to be here, God. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I can sit in a warm room and write until my emotions are cleared up and my mind is free. I am Grateful for all of the Healers and friends and family and birds and children and Lovers who have accompanied me up until now. I am even Grateful for the ones who have not Loved me and taught me how to Love myself. I am Grateful. I see the ugly side of healing for what it is: healing.

I get up and take my medicine now: fresh air, water, healthy food, exercise, at least one action a day that moves me forward, giving and receiving Love, gratitude, forgiveness, meditation and prayer, and doing at least one thing a day that brings me joy. This is my daily prescription for wellness.

I accept it. I get up now and take my medicine. Life is good. Thank you for the Guidance, God.


Day 373

A Prescription For Wellness (The Ugly Side of Healing)

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