This is my third time writing this entry. I’m gonna publish this one no matter how it turns out because I have to get started for the day.
I’ll close the eyes and ask the Lord to Guide… So much has happened this week. Love abounds. After all is said and done, Love still remains.
Hearts around me are being broken. People are hurting each other. I have been these places before. People are fighting to get control of the minds ands wills of others…
In my cocoon that I call my apartment, my Spirit is being restored. My mind is being restored. My health is being restored. After a year of sickness, I finally found the root of my problem, and I found a doctor who knows how to fix it, and I’ve been going there to help heal my body. And I’ve been going within to help heal my mind and spirit. And I have been healing, Thank God…
And although I am not completely well yet, my health is returning quickly. And as such, the world has found me. This weekend, I didn’t have to deal with my own problems, but I came face to face with the problems of others who are going through things that I have been through. And I had to use all of the skills I have been developing over the past couple of months. I had to be discerning and wise and loving yet strong. I had to be smart and I had to stand up in the fullness of my power so that I could fight for those who didn’t have the insight to fight for themselves. And the fullness of my power is not full yet, but it was enough to help others. And I am so glad. I was able to help others again. It was my initiation back into the world…
Outside of this apartment, the world goes on. And just because I have been able to make it out of the heart of darkness does not mean that others who are near to me are not struggling daily. The thought scared me for a moment. Once I get well, I am going to have to face the world and all of its problems again. And I am getting well fast. The fearful part of me wanted to stay sick so that I could just stay behind these walls with my friend and my books and my food and never have to deal with the madness outside. But the Truth in me knows that soon, even now while I am recovering, I will have to get back to the outside world. And it will not have changed just because I have. And I can not run away from all problems. So I will have to figure out how to be the new me in an old place… Hmmm…
I don’t have an answer yet. An old coworker of mine used to say, “ain’t nothing to it but to do it”. I did an alright job engaging with the people I engaged with. Overall, I would give myself an “A minus” on my performance. It’s not an “A plus” because at some point I got caught up in some of the drama and I allowed it to affect me. I think for at least two days, I didn’t do my prayers and my friend/roommate brought to my attention that I was beginning to be distant and cold and mean to men (all three of the people who came my way this weekend were having problems with men). My friend was right. I was getting distant and I didn’t even know it. But he caught it. I nipped it in the bud, said my prayers, and life is better than ever. The people who came my way this weekend are safe for now and their lives will be just fine. They are on their own paths with their own lessons to learn, but we are all in this together. We are all in this together.
I am proud of the way I handled things this weekend. I did good. I am grateful that I have a mean-looking man with a heart as gentle as a dove as my protector and friend. I know that the challenges I faced this weekend are nothing compared to what may lie in store for me beyond these walls, and so I turn within to prepare myself. We will not go back to where we were. Our salvation lies in the Truth within and our ability to Source that Truth and act on it. And so I use these last days behind my wall to hone my skills, to get well, and to practice living in the world but not being of it. For surely, therein lies the secret.
The secret to maintaining change once you are reintegrated into the outside world is to remember the vision you saw when you closed your eyes. Remember. Remember the love that you saw. Remember the types of relationships you had. Remember the type of work that you did. Remember your purpose. Go back and see it again. Daily. Until your vision of your dreams fulfilled is an imprint in your brain. And once your vision is imprinted in your brain, go back and revisit it. Daily. Until your actions are in alignment with the vision you had. And once your actions are in alignment, go back and revisit your vision daily. Because the world will make you forget and you will get caught up in the confusion that surrounds us all if you do not take time to establish Truth and Clarity in your own mind.
I prepare for life beyond these walls. I strengthen my health and my mind and spirit. I know that when the time comes, God, I will be ready to live life in a way that I have never lived before. I take action now, so that I may practice while I have a friend who provides a mirror and a safe space for me.
God, I thank You for sparing my life. I thank You for allowing me to see good days. I am so grateful. I am your servant and I will bring this light that grows in me wherever I go. I will never forget what I am learning here within these walls. Thank you so much for my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Ameen.
Day 387
Beyond These Walls (The Outside World)
Hi there,
How are you? I’m happy today. I woke up kind of late, almost at noon. I’ve been doing a lot these past few days, trying to do things at the pace I used to, but my body isn’t having it. So last night I slept for more than ten hours, but I’m refreshed now. I’ll put less things on my daily “to-do” list. That way I don’t get too tired.
What have I been doing, you ask? Everything. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had hit rock rock bottom in every area of my life and I had to come to terms with the fact that the only way to move forward was to move forward and take action towards moving forward.
My friend is an angel (I have a friend who came to help me get well about two weeks ago). Together, we made a list of every single thing that I have to do in my life. Daily things like eat, sleep, pray, meditate and stretch, projects like finish script, finish children’s book, start new blog, tasks like clean up/sort out/bless entire apartment, give someone copies of a booklet, and other things like pay bills/debts, make efforts towards finding income, etc. The list is massive. And by myself, with the energy I have right now, it might have taken me up to two years to finish it. And if I was by myself, those probably would have been a very difficult two years, because I would be straining and exhausted all along the way.
But I’m not by myself. I have help. And this is what today’s blog is about. Teammates. I have a teammate. And I’ve never felt so lucky in my life…
My friend cooks and makes sure I eat (since he’s been here, I realized that it’s been months since I have been eating right. Either I’ve been too tired to get up and cook enough stuff or I just haven’t felt hungry even though I needed to eat (my hunger radar has been off) or I haven’t the money to buy the kinds of foods I need, so I’ve been eating few portions in a day. My friend helps me with the tasks that I don’t need to do on my own. The other day he washed a household’s worth of dirty clothes and scrubbed the walls in the kitchen. He checks on me and makes sure I put in at least 30 minutes of creative writing a day no matter what I do. He asks how my day was and tells me to rest and breathe when he can see that I’m trying to push myself too far and my eyes are getting red. He’s a therapist, so we do mini counseling sessions if I start getting anxiety or tripping out about certain things. “You are sick right now,” he says. “And all you can do is all you can do. Focus on getting better. Ask your body if certain actions are good for you.”
I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. Once, when I was in undergrad, I had a lovely boyfriend who was really good to me. But my inner thoughts sullied that relationship. I was secretly still in love with an ex, and although me and my college boyfriend were both very good to each other, eventually the relationship ended because I couldn’t get over my ex…
But my friend who is helping me is not my boyfriend. He is not my lover. He doesn’t try to have sex with me. He doesn’t try to stop me from doing anything I want to do. He doesn’t tell me to pray this way or don’t pray that way, and when I’m sitting here in the morning doing my weird meditations and praying and reading my books, he doesn’t bother me, but instead goes and does his own thing. And I know it’s weird ‘cus he’s a guy and he’s staying with me, and people would think that the situation in and of itself would lead to complications and stress, but I haven’t felt this stress free in such a long time. We laugh and joke on a daily basis. He even thinks I’m funny and that’s interesting. I’ve never thought I’m funny, but everyone who knows me thinks I’m funny. Maybe I’ll explore that side of myself at some point.
What I want to say now, though, for today, is thank you, God. Thank you so much. I couldn’t do anything for myself and you didn’t let me die. You didn’t let me die. You sent friends and family who have helped me so much over these past few months and now you sent a constant companion. You even put words in Mr. President’s mouth that helped me get up and fight for my life… I have been saying “God is for me and not against me” for some time, but now I am getting the experiential evidence that makes my body and soul KNOW that God is for me and not against me. It’s not just some words.
The other day, I got mad at my friend because he didn’t want to go somewhere with me. As I was out, he sent me a text message telling me to work with him. He said we were teammates. I am in my thirties, and, other than hearing that word from my mom once when we were working on a project together, it was the first time that I had considered the concept of teammates in my personal life. Being someone’s teammate is not the same thing as being their girlfriend or wife of friend or partner, and for some reason, we don’t always associate being a teammate with any of those other positions. I never have. I looked back at all my romantic relationships and realized that with almost all of them, we were never on the same team. We had never really thought of things like that.
But my friend brought this new concept: teammates. I couldn’t be mad at him when he said that. We were on the same team! I played sports as a kid, and when you are on a team with someone, it doesn’t matter if one of the players is weak or not as skilled or has a bad attitude. The objective of the game is to win. And so when your teammate is weak, you help build them up by training with them a little more, or you figure out how everyone can maximize on everyone’s strengths and compensate for the weaknesses. Mostly, though, you keep the common goal in mind, and that goal is for everyone to win. If I am my friend’s teammate, then I can’t do things to bring him down, because if he loses, I lose. We’re on the same team. So I (we) have to do things so that we are both always winning, and that means being honest about what winning means in the first place… And of course, you have to pick a teammate who wants to be on the team and is willing to get with the whole teammate concept. It doesn’t work if only one person is doing the teammate thing and the other person is only worried about themselves… Why have I never done relationships like this? I just didn’t know any better. But now I do. I didn’t know that this kind of thing was possible. My forehead relaxes more and more every day. I get to be my nice self. And I Love being my nice self… He’s really there for me, God. Thank you so much.
I am so excited. I know my friend will only be here temporarily until I get well, but I am learning so much good stuff. And this learning isn’t painful like my other learning lessons were… I know. You are thinking that he’s gonna end up being my husband or at least boyfriend, but I doubt it. I’ve known him way too long and I know him way too well. We have fundamental differences in our world view that would make building a family together challenging at best. But our differences don’t matter right now. Because right now, we are on team Win, and our goal is to help each other win in life, no matter what our differences are. And I am so grateful, God. I am so Grateful…. Thank You.
Ameen.
Day 386
Teammates (Relationships)
I just wrote an entry about the purpose of life and deleted it. Whenever I don’t write in a while, I have to take a moment to sort things out before I write the real blog. I’ve been out in the world living lately. And I must say, for the first time in a long time, I’ve been living my life in the company of people and things have been going well.
A friend came to stay with me and help me for a little while. Yes. A friend. I have a friend. As I write these words, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. In the past few months I have been taken care of. Friends and family have brought me food, sent me money, checked on me, encouraged me, taken me on outings and just showed me so much Love. Of course, in the midst of it all, there were a few people who disappointed me, tried to take advantage of my vulnerability or just flat out showed that they could care less if I lived or died, but they don’t matter. They are not the whole story. The whole story is that, at the lowest time of my life, I found out that I have a support system. I found out that I have friends. I found out that I am cared for. I didn’t eat breakfast this morning and my friend just made some food to make sure that I eat. I’ve never known Love like this before… I haven’t felt this Loved and cared for since I was a little child.
Thank You, Allah.
Good day World. I wish I could give you something Lovely. All I have is my words and my self, and I am nothing at all. But if my words don’t speak to you, then feel my energy. And if my energy doesn’t move you, then let something else move you. Let something else move you. If you are not at Peace with your life, if your relationships have gone awry and you struggle with pain and feelings of guilt and betrayal. If you have been rejected and have gotten used to feeling worthless… If nothing just seems to be going your way and it has been a while since anything has gone your way, so long that you don’t even know what that feels like. If your health is not healthy, if your money is not flowing, if you are lost and don’t know how to get from here to there, then let something move you.
You have to let it. I am a stubborn one, and so it took the breaking down of my health for me to stop going in the direction I was going in life. It took a near death experience for me to realize that I really needed to be Loved and I really needed to be Loving. It took the true loss of income for me to be humble enough to ask for help. And it took the thwarting of my will over and over again to recognize that some things had to change. Namely, I had to change. Not my mother or my siblings. Not the men who have been in my life. Not my job or my apartment manager. Me. I had to stop fighting people. I had to let go of all of the sad, sad thoughts and feelings that I’ve been carrying all these years. I had to open my heart and be vulnerable so that people could come in and Love me. I had to give. Give my voice, give my Love, give my words, give whatever I could give. I had to let myself be moved.
And I have. And I am. I haven’t felt this way in years. Life flows through me. Life flows through me. Life flows through me. I am remembering this thing called passion, lost long ago. I feel flickers of it every now and then. And my heart! This is the best thing. My heart is easy and free. There is no lurking pain. There is no resistance to openness. Wisdom lives in me finally. It is new, not even born yet, but it is growing in me. And my words are more kind these days. And my actions begin with the intention for the highest possible results for all involved. And my days begin with a surrendering to All That Is. I ride the waves of change with ease, for even in stormy weather I know that Life is Good. I know this at last. And I am Moved.
Thank you so much, Allah. Ameen.
Day 384
To Be Moved
Hi there.
Dear Journal,
I’d like to take a moment for just you and I. No audience. Just you and I. It’s weird. I think I was eleven when I first picked you up. I couldn’t tell anyone my secret thoughts but I had to get them out. And so I put them on paper and hid you under my bed and in my locker at school, where mom couldn’t find you. I wrote about boys. Always about boys. And my dad and my mom and my brother. They were always doing something. I had a lot to say about all of the things my dad didn’t do and all of the things my mom did do and all of the ways my brother influenced my life.
Now dad is dead and mom calls me to joke and talk about skin care regimens. And I am my brother’s best friend and he is always glad to see me. And now the boys, well, they are still boys, but writing about them doesn’t interest me as much any more. I am growing up, journal.
I’m a grown up now, in age and in mind. I left mom’s house when I was 18, went to college and travelled all around the world through work and school and sponsorships and through winning competitions and sometimes I actually bought tickets just to go places and see people. And sometimes people bought tickets just to see me… The boys grew up too, and I’ve been proposed to four times (only one got down on his knee with an actual ring). None of them worked out. Of the four, one is married and every now and then he checks in with me to see if I will be his mistress, one got married and is now divorced, one uses religion as an excuse to never, ever be in relationship with women, and one just sleeps around with people but never gives his heart.
I’ve had a lot of jobs, but my main jobs have been as a teacher and working in nonprofit. I’ve made a lot of money, even enough to buy my mom a house at one point, and I’ve been really poor. And my heart has been broken and, boy, have I Loved! Right now I’m transitioning into the dream job that I’ve wanted to have since I was eight years old: a writer.
As you know, religion has always been an interest of mine. I tried mom’s religion when I started writing in you at eleven years old, and I got really serious about it. But by the time I was 18, I had a lot of questions and no one could answer them. And so I bought a book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the World’s Religions, and I began to study different faiths. I argued with people. They argued with me. Somehow it seemed like everyone was always trying to get me on their team. Eventually I tired of arguing. Now I don’t have a religion per se. I don’t usually say that out loud because people will think badly of me, but here we are safe and people’s opinions don’t matter. I have had too much experience of otherworldly things to deny the existence of a reality that is far more than what our five senses perceive, but I have yet to find a dogma that I want to follow. For now, I pray and meditate and seek Guidance from the Source of all Sources. It is my own path, but every time I listen to the voice that speaks to me, miracles happen and I am filled with peace. There is a book, Oneness, that speaks to my soul, and I refer to it often.
Life has not been easy, but somehow I am here at the end of the first third of my life, and my smile is still in tact. I look around at the world we live in, and there is a lot of pain. Sometimes I feel all of the pain around me, including my own, but I have been working on releasing my own pain lately, and it has been working. My own pain is almost all gone… I’ve been pretty healthy for most of my life, but for the past year or so, my body hasn’t been well and in the past few months, I had gotten really, really sick. I thought I was gonna die. But I didn’t. I’ve finally been getting better in the past few weeks, but everything about me has changed.
So this is the new me writing to you today. I’m not the same person who started writing journals when I was eleven years old. I don’t quite know where this change is going to end up, but I am experiencing something that I’ve never experienced in my entire life. I am experiencing Openness. And there is a surety that follows me everywhere. I am not afraid of the future anymore. I’m just not afraid. I don’t need to know how everything is going to end up anymore. I just need to know what moves to take on a day to day basis. I used to ask other people what to do or try and figure everything out all the time, but now I ask the Source of all Sources and I get answers. I have been focusing on my health, but soon, God willing, I will be back to my full health and then I will get back to our favorite topic: boys. Except this time, I won’t be entertaining boys. Only men…
For now, though, I let the men be as I take time to cultivate the woman in me. For now, I take time to write in my journal and say goodbye to the things of old: boys, fear, conflict, and pain. I bid you adieu. I know that soon there will be no drama left to write about. What then? Then we get to be writers, you and I. Real writers like we always dreamed of. Starting with an empty page, we will write our lives into reality. The Lord said it’s OK. The Lord said it’s Time. The Lord said this is just the beginning.
I am exciting, but I will be patient and wait until the page is completely blank. There is no point in starting a new story if it’s built on a premise that no longer resonates with you. I will wait until my slate is clear and there are no past beliefs that may interfere with the growth of the new seeds I’m planting. I will wait until the pain of the past is completely healed. I will wait until my mind is completely renewed. I will wait until my faith is firm. I will wait until my vision is corrected and my eyes are pure. I will wait until my power is restored. And then We will write. Me and you, journal. Me and You, God. We will write a greater story than I have ever imagined. And I will call it my life…
Ameen.
Day 383
The Scribes
Hey there. Been deep in my emotions all morning. Started a blog then got a couple of phone calls and texts from different people and the mood has changed.
People will do that to you: change your mood for better or worse. In this instance, my mood is changed for the better. There is a film festival in town and I had wanted to see four movies but didn’t have the money. This morning, two different friends called and invited me to see two of the different movies that I want to see, and they are paying. That makes me happy. Just when I start getting down, God, you remind me that I have good people in my life.
I have good people in my life. I have sunlight coming through the big windows in my living room. I have clean water to drink and oranges to eat first thing in the morning. Yesterday, I bent down, and whereas my knee has been hurting for over six months whenever I bend down, yesterday I bent down and my knee didn’t hurt. My mind is a little more clear than it was a month ago. My emotions are stabilizing and I don’t feel like bursting out crying for no good reason all the time. And even when I do feel down, I recognize within myself that the feeling will pass.
And so I am growing… I am not healthy enough to go back to work or work a full-time job yet, but I’m getting better. And I’m grateful. The worst has passed… A friend of mine is coming to town soon to be with me and help me with my life and health so that I can hurry up and get better. This friend is giving up a few months of his life just to help care for me. I almost can’t believe it. I hear about things like this in books and movies but I never imagined it was real. People just care for each other? People just love you even when you’re not at your best and your not doing anything for them? Men? Many of my friends are men and they just help me. They don’t ask for a kiss. They don’t ask for me to birth their secret lovechild. They don’t ask that I sacrifice myself or do anything that could be detrimental to my health or wellbeing. They just ask that I get up, do what I can to get better, and get moving with my life’s work. They do not disappear. They do not abandon. They do things in their own way and at their own time, but what’s most important is that they do things. They are there for me, not just in word or theory, but in deed. They are helping me to believe that men can be good.
I never knew that I had so many people on my team. I have people on my team who are there through sickness and health. They will not let me drown… And I am grateful. Thank you, Allah.
You know, there will always be people who would hurt you and people who will help you. Don’t take it personal if you have had a lot of painful experiences. Your experience of life does not encapsulate the fullness of the Universe, no matter how much you’ve seen. Miracles happen all the time. I am a witness. I am over 30 and this is the first time in my adult life that I can remember feeling supported by other human beings. I have always felt so alone and so forlorn. And I have had good reason to think so many bad things about men and people. I have been hurt and betrayed and used a lot. But it doesn’t end there, you see? The story just doesn’t end there.
You can’t change other people. You can’t make anyone care about you or be nice to you. You can’t make anyone tell you the truth. You can’t make anyone see the best in you or be there for you. But you can change yourself. Oh, it’s the easiest thing to say and the hardest thing to do, but it’s possible. You can decide that no matter what, you are not going to give up until you stop crying every day. You can say sorry to people for the ways you have hurt them. You can read books and do exercises and eat food and pray and go out in the sun and find ways to nourish your being. And you can get your relationship house in order. This is the big one for me. It’s the big one for most people. Most people’s happiness or sadness comes from the kinds of relationships they have or don’t have with others. You can decide to be loving and to only allow people who love you into your inner circle. You can decide to let go of the manipulation and the headaches and heartaches and games and be willing to be honest. You can decide to communicate your needs so that people have an opportunity to be there for you. And you can decide to forgive and forgive and forgive so that the past no longer has a hold on your heart…
This afternoon, I am meeting up with a female friend of mine. Yeah, me. I have a female friend who actually lives in the same city as me. We talk about guys and hair and life. We went to the same graduate school so we can also talk about nerd stuff. And she reads books so we can have intellectual discussions. I like her. She came and gave me a jump when my car wouldn’t start. We call each other and tell the truth to each other. I am lucky.
I am lucky to be alive. I am Grateful to be alive. I don’t take this adventure for granted… You know, in physical therapy, there are two phases of healing: the first phase is when you just heal. You put things on the muscles to help them release tension and relax. You eat certain foods to support the rebuilding of certain fibers. Then in the second phase, you strengthen while continuing to heal. I am in the strengthening phase of my life now. I have done a lot of releasing. There was so much to let go of. My health has forced me to take a moment and relax and let go of everything. And I am still doing that. But now that my mind is clearing up, I can begin to start contemplating what this new part of life will be about.
I look around me. I am excited. I won’t be journeying alone. I am excited. I am tapping into a knowledge that sustains. It is the knowledge that even when things are at their lowest, even when all appears to be dark, as long as there is breath in lungs, life remains. And as long as life remains, choice remains. And as long as choice remains, hope remains. What is left is action. My actions now support the birthing of a life so beautiful. My actions support the healing and nurturing of one who has come home at last. For once I am not afraid of what the future holds. I welcome it. I welcome the transformation that is taking place. I am willing to change, surrender, let go and become anew. I am willing. I am willing. I am willing…
Ameen.
Day 382
The Good Guys
So. Hi there. My day has been totally different than normal today. I’ve been out of the house since early morn…
Don’t even know where to start. Yesterday I wrote on my calendar “Day 1 of the rest of my life.” For the next 22 days, I am committed to doing five categories of things a day: 1 thing has to be an action that will move my life forward (completing creative projects and submitting them, seeking income generating opportunities); 1 thing has to be related to taking care of present livelihood situations (like bills, food, doctors appointments, cleaning apartment, health, lawyer); 1 thing has to be related to connecting with another person (spending time w family/friends, sending out thank you cards, talking to neighborhood security guard); 1 thing has to be related to taking care of things of the past (debts, including conversations that need to be had and letters that need to be written, and also just random stuff that I have said I was going to give to people or do for people over time); and finally 1 thing related to my Spiritual connection (pray, read books, meditate, fellowship, write blog/journal).
I’m giving myself five days to do all five things. So for example, I had to do one thing yesterday, two things today, three things tomorrow, etc. But if I have the energy to do five things today, I will. So far, I have done something from four different categories today. I did some work on a script (life forward), I spent time with little sis earlier (connecting w/people), I stretched out in the sun (present livelihood/health) and right now I’m blogging (Spiritual connection). I think I will be able to pay back a debt before the day is over, and I may possibly be able to reach out to lawyer and job (past/debts). I’m not gonna push it, though. If I have the energy, I’ll get to those. But I’m already ahead of schedule.
I’m really glad, y’all. It’s 3:42 and I’m not worn out or depressed. I have some energy. And I moved my body around today and I don’t feel too sick. I reached out for help and people have been helping me. I’ll share one of the miracles that have happened. I didn’t even ask for this one. My neighbor has been out of town since January and won’t return till April. He has a two bed/two bath house and one of his friends is staying in one of the rooms while he’s away. He locked his bedroom up while he’s gone, because his friend can be a little adventurous, and before he left, he asked me if I could just keep an eye on the house from time to time. Well, to make a long story short, he called me yesterday from wherever he is, off on some island. We were talking about our lives and I told him that I hadn’t won my lawsuit yet and I was trying to figure out what to do as far as income. My neighbor suggested that I come and stay at his place for the next two months while he’s gone and sublet my apartment. I Love my neighbor’s house. I had never even thought of asking him to stay there…
God is good. You can’t tell me that God doesn’t exist. You can’t tell me that there’s not a force somewhere that makes a way even when we think there’s no way.
Yesterday, I gave myself a little pep talk. I sat down during my prayers and just talked to myself. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy. I needed nourishment because I have been getting really discouraged lately and things have been hard, and so I sat down with me, myself and I, and we had a heart to heart. I told my most vulnerable self that I was sorry. Nobody ever really feels sorry for me no matter how bad my situation is, so I felt sorry for myself, but not in a self-pity kind of way. I just allowed myself to have some compassion for myself. And I told myself sorry. I told myself sorry that I was sick and that I had been sick for so long. I told myself sorry that I didn’t have any money and that I couldn’t ride around in my lucky car. I told myself sorry that I had been struggling for so long. I said sorry that I had had so many heartbreaks and disappointments when it came to men and relationships. I told myself sorry that there was no husband and no kids in my life yet. I said sorry that none of my books or movies or songs had gotten out into the world yet and that my dream life was still just a dream in my head. And I told myself sorry that we were starting to believe that the dream was just a dream now. I apologized to myself because I know we had been sad for a long time, and I told myself sorry that we had gone so long without experiencing joy.
And then I talked to myself like a wise mother. “I know you have been through a lot. I know it has been very, very hard for you. And, yes, you have even made some mistakes. It’s OK. We all make mistakes sometimes. It’s a part of growing. I am so, so sorry that you have had to hurt so much. I am so, so sorry that you have had to cry so much. Guess what I know, though? You are very, very strong and you are very, very special. And I think there is still hope for you, Laydie. What do you think?”
I sat there and looked at my wounded, wounded self and realized that my mother self was telling the truth. There was still hope. And so I called upon Hope to be with me as I start over in creating a life by design. I called upon Love to be with Me. I called upon the Most High Holy Spirit to be with me and protect me. I gave myself permission to be strong. I gave myself to permission to vulnerable and receptive. I gave myself permission to be brilliant. I gave myself permission to be well. Mostly, though, I gave myself permission to be OK no matter what is happening in my life and I made a promise to myself and to the mother within me that I would keep going. Even if it took every ounce of energy in my body. Even if people called me crazy and gave me all kinds of advice that was against what I decide to do. I gave myself permission to be safe and protected. I gave myself permission to Listen to Guidance and to Follow it…
And so I came upon this plan, this structure. Five things a day for twenty-two days. It takes twenty-two days to form a habit and break a habit. And I’d like to break my old life wide open and start living the new. I made a promise to myself and I’m going to keep it.
My computer says I have three minutes before the battery runs out, and I want to publish this now, so I’ll stop here. Good day, World. Let’s keep going.
Day 281
Life By Design (Keep Going)
Good morning. I just deleted 649 words. Starting again. Haven’t sorted out thoughts in a while. Many thoughts to sort. In the ancients schools of mysticism, one had to be disciplined with one’s thoughts first and foremost, because they believed that thoughts created reality.
You know I have a lot to write about. I always do. Sometimes I start with a topic and sometimes I just flow until a topic reveals itself. This time I have a topic, but I also want to flow. Beggars are on my mind. Yes, beggars. I use that word on purpose because I know all of the negative associations that it brings up. I use that word because I need help. And I am going to have to ask for it. And in my mind, it makes me feel like a beggar. It makes me feel like, I, superwoman, have lost my powers. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel afraid. And it strips away all of my pride. And, yes, I have been proud. In my personal circle, I have always been looked at as the one who always has it together, even while I’m falling apart. I have always been looked at as the independent woman who can do everything on her own. I have always been looked at as the strong one. And I am still the strong one…
But this strong one can no longer do everything on her own. And I know that some people will not understand. In their eyes I will be considered a beggar. In their eyes I will be considered lazy or stupid or weak. I am not the fun girl anymore, or the adventurous girl or the one who always has all the answers and can work her way out of everything. I am not the sexy entertainer with the big smile anymore. I am the girl who needs help. The Old Prophet was my greatest fear materialized. He fell in love with all of my enticing qualities: my looks, my personality at its best, my strength and intelligence, my grace, my ambition, and my depth of Spirit and Love. But I became sick and fell apart right before his eyes. And when he saw me at my lowest, he didn’t hold me and help me. Instead, he told me that I was needy and that he didn’t know who I was… Needy. Because I asked for a ride when I was sick…
Mr. President had promised to help me, but he didn’t mean it. Disappeared when it was time to put his money where his mouth was. And I remembered that he had done that before: made so many promises and ran away or disappeared when it was time to fulfill them. I am beyond disappointed and hurt. I cried and grieved and then I opened my eyes. And now I am awake…
As a beggar, you see with different eyes. In a nutshell, you develop the keen ability to recognize the people who will help you for real, and the ones who either won’t help or who’s help comes with conditions and agendas.
It’s OK. At the end of the day, no one is obligated to help anyone else. But discovering the true dynamics of the relationships between you and the ones you have in your inner circle is a liberating exercise. When are sick and in need, you find out who is nourishing and who’s energy is harmful to you. You find out who is in your life to take and who is in your life to give. And you find out who is actually able to be there for you, because everyone isn’t able even if they want to be. You learn to receive the gifts that are good for you. You learn to let people help you. It is a hard lesson for one who is used to being proud and one who is used to doing so much on her own, but it is a lesson that I look forward to learning. I am going to have to learn to let people Love me. I am learning to let people help me. And I am learning that needing help does not make one person inferior to the other. It does not mean that someone is lazy or stupid or weak. It means that someone needs help. Choose to help or choose not to help, but leave the judgement to God and know that each one’s path is their own sacred path…
I have been humbled, God. I have been broken. And it looks bad from the outside, but something in me knows that it is all for my betterment and unfoldment. Something in me knows that I am moving up and not down; forward and not backwards. Something in me knows that humility is a necessary part of this journey. Something in me knows that a cleansing is taking place: a purification of my mind and my emotions and even my physical body. Something in me knows that I am on the cusp of a new way of being. I am going through an initiation of sorts and it is not for nigh.
They have always told me that I was a “healer”, whatever that means. They have always said that there was something about my hands or my voice or my words or my eyes. It’s not something to brag about. It’s not something special. It’s just a role that one plays in this grand design that we call life. There are healers and doctors, kings and queens, pawns and beggars. It is all just roles we play, none better than the other. All a part of the Grand Design.
To be a healer, however, one must understand the roles of all, and much of that understanding comes through personal experience until one is evolved enough to gain understanding without having to experience it all. A friend of mine told me that a healer must know sickness and poverty: A healer must know love and heartbreak. A healer must know success and disappointment. I didn’t know that my journey to the other side of happy would lead to a quest to experience the Life Divine, but here I am. I am in life school now, but I will graduate soon. To a different kind of life. Nothing like what I thought I was going for. It is better than what I thought, because it more than just having a man. It is more than just not crying every day. It is more than being rich or having stuff. The journey to the other side of happy has transformed into a quest to tap into the deepest parts of myself and bring forth the Truth which has been buried within. The quest is now to gather all disembodied parts of myself and love them. The mission is to become all of who I am really am. My highest potential. In spite of tears. Because of tears. In spirt of disappointment. Because of disappointment. In spite of all Appearances of lack and limitation. The task at hand is to go beyond appearances and to know the deepest Truth: even beggars are Blessed emanations of the Most High. Even beggars…
I am going to send out a Divine call for help now. You say You have always been here to help. I am going to open my arms wider than ever now, in a position of receptivity and surrender. I can not do this life without You. I can not move into the fullness of myself without Your Divine Grace and Protection. And so I accept the calling of my Soul. I open my arms, God. I open my arms…
And So It Is.
Day 380
Even Beggars
Good Day Loves,
There is so much to write about. I recognize that the length of my most recent blogs has increased by more than 50%. I think that’s a little too long, so I’ll try to keep this one a little shorter. The doctor put me on sick leave for another month and a half, but I’ll write about that another time.
So much has been happening, though. There’s so much to write about. I am exiting the land of the living today and starting a new chapter of life. By going through my entries, my experience with the land of the living should have been titled “The Land of the Dying”. I came out of my cocoon, fluttered around a bit, and realized that I still have a lot of growing and healing to do. The good news is, I know the areas that I need to grow in, and I finally know what has been wrong with me, and where I need to heal!
I want to tell you a story. It is part of the story of my life. All of my life I have been weird. I know, you don’t want to hear that. You want me to say special, or unique, or gifted, but that’s not the case, because that’s not how I have felt. For most of my life, I have felt weird. Different. Alone. I think the first time I remember feeling weird was in kindergarten. I went to a school where I was the only person in my class who looked like me. One day we did an art project. The teacher took pictures of the silhouette of our profiles, so it was our heads from a side view. Then we had to put all of our pictures up on a wall in the classroom… I looked at my picture. I was the only one with a nose like mine. I was the only one with hair like mine. I was the only one with lips like mine. I felt so different. My classmates didn’t say anything about my picture, but to me, it seemed everyone felt uneasy around it. That was my introduction to different.
After kindergarten, I was placed in gifted and talented classes, or honors classes. Two days a week, me and another boy would take a bus to some other school and we would do weird stuff like work with blocks and rubics cubes. The program was called SPIRAL. We would do math puzzles and just talk about ideas with the teachers. We never talked about ideas at regular school. The teachers just told us what to do. It was nothing like regular school. Me and the boy both knew that we were different. Weird. When we came back to regular school, we never talked about what we did in SPIRAL. In third grade, my teacher had a bookshelf and the students would check out books to read. There were just little kid books. When I went to check out a kiddie book, I remember my teacher recommended something else. She gave me TESS OF THE D’URBERVILLES to read. I knew that it wasn’t a regular kid book. I would read that book again as a classroom book in college. By the time I got to fifth grade, I was going to SPIRAL twice a week and then I had another class at my regular school that I went to. I didn’t even know what it was for. All I knew is that when the other kids went to PE and music, I went to this weird class with blocks and games. I didn’t like being different. I wanted to be normal.
When I was eleven, I went to middle school. My middle school didn’t have SPIRAL or the weird class, and the many of the kids looked like me. I took all my electives with regular kids and then I took my core classes like English and Math with “honors” kids. But I was always one of the smartest in class. The kids would look at me funny. I always knew the answers to stuff. Soon, I stopped raising my hand when the teacher would ask questions. I stopped telling people the grades that I made on tests, and I started trying to fit in. I wasn’t really interested in most of the conversations I’d have with my “friends”. They were nothing like the conversations I used to have with my SPIRAL teachers. But at least I had friends and at least people didn’t know that I was weird anymore. I got a journal, and in my journal, I would write my real thoughts. I would tell my journal who I really was. Every now and then, one of my peers would tell me I was “smart” and I would hate it. I wanted to be normal.
When I got to high school, I told my mom that I didn’t want to be in honors classes any more. I wanted to be with the normal kids. And so I was. The normal kids in high school turned into the normal kids in college. They accepted me, but they, too, always thought I was a bit weird. I liked to study stuff until I understood it. At one point I was very religious, even behind closed doors… Around college age, weird things started happening to me. Random people would come up to me and tell me things about my life. I remember being on campus once. This guy who worked in the interfaith chapel came up to me. He was a preacher or something. He told me that I had a calling on my life and that he could recognize it. I wasn’t interested in preachers or the idea of a “calling”, but he wasn’t the only one that told me that. It seemed like everywhere I went, at least three times a year since college, I would be approached by someone who I thought was a weirdo, who would want to read my palms or bring me to their religion or tell me that I had some kind of work to do with my life or some kind of calling. Preachers, Imams, priests, mystics and so-called prophets would go out of their way to engage me in conversation. Teachers would take a special interest in me. Men of power and prestige would court me. I shunned them all. I wanted to be normal. Yet, try as I did, I never fit in with normal. I always knew it. Me and my journal. We knew that I wasn’t normal. But I wanted to be! And, boy, did I try.
I formed an allegiance with all things normal. I refused to be friends with the elitist people who would invite me to their events when I got to grad school. By now, people had started thinking I was pretty, so I dressed down so that I didn’t stand out… I went above and beyond to show that I didn’t think I was better than anyone. I went above and beyond to not have what normal people didn’t have…
This has been the story of my life. Until now. I have come to a point where I can no longer pretend. If I tell you all that has happened since my last entry, then this blog will run too long. But suffice it to say that this weekend I was blessed with the realization and the admission that I am not normal, whatever normal is… It’s just not me. I have been in denial for far too long. I have been wanting to be normal and wanting to be me at the same time, and there is conflict there. Because I am not normal. I am different. It doesn’t mean better. It doesn’t mean good or bad. It means that what motivates me is not necessarily the things that my culture and upbringing would say are supposed to motivate me. It means that the teachers and preachers and mystics were right. I have always felt like my life isn’t quite my own. I mean, I like things just as much as the next person, but for the past few years, I have had no interest in the pursuit of things. The underlying thought that sits in my subconscious mind is “I have work to do. And I dare say what I know: part of the reason that my body has been so off balance and my energy has been so low is because I have been refusing to step into the Truth of who I am and do the work that I have been called to do. The so-called prophets and teachers were right.
I am not normal.
It just has to be OK. It goes without saying. Anyone who starts a company, writes a book, invents something or adds light to this place we call Earth is not normal by default. They are doing something that most people aren’t purposefully doing. Yet. They are living purposefully. It’s not what we’re taught to do. It’s weird. And it’s finally OK with me. There is no more conflict. I still Love the normal people. I still have a connection with them. At the end of the day, we are all connected. I have seen so much, God. I have been so much. I have been everything except special, unique, gifted, talented, honored, great. I have looked at those words with disdain and shame as if it’s a bad thing to be great. But what if you are great? What if you have really have work to do? What if you really are one of those people who is going to write the kind of books that you love to read? What if you are ready to read Tess of the D’Urbervilles when you are eight years old? What are you gonna do about it? Shall we pretend to be less than who we are forever?
My body won’t have it anymore. My Spirit won’t have it anymore. I take off the cloak that I have been wearing. Yes, I have been trying not to shine, but it is my destiny to shine. I know this like I know my own name. And so I step into my destiny. Goodbye normal. Hello Me…
Ameen.
Day 379
The End Of Normal
Good morning,
It’s 6:42am. I got up around 3 this morning and woke up with a beautiful poem in mind. I love those kind of poems. They just flow before you even have time to think about them… After jotting the poem down, I closed my eyes and daydreamed a bit more. Last night was my first night of really good sleep in a long time.
I’m grateful.
Shall I tell you what happened on Friday? I found out I’m not crazy. I’m seeing all these new doctors due to my court case against my job. Now, I have regular doctors that are fantastic, and although they never really gave me a diagnosis for whatever was wrong with me, they tried really hard and they continue trying/testing, etc. My court case doctors are a little different. To their credit, they do a lot of tests. Their bedside matter leaves a lot to be desired, though. So this Friday, I went to get an evaluation by their psychiatrist. She asked me one question: “How do you feel?” I told her that I felt sad and that I had been crying a lot lately. “Any other feelings?” she asked. There weren’t any. “Well,” she said, “I can prescribe some medicine for you. You can try it out and maybe that will make you feel better. You won’t be addicted to it, and maybe after six months or a year you can stop taking it.”
I looked at her. Incredulous. I didn’t ask her what kind of medicine she was prescribing. I know people who take depression meds. I’ve known them before they started taking meds and after. They are different with the medicine. Much different. I have nothing against taking psych meds, but I think they should be reserved as a last course for people who actually need them, meaning people who either can not function normally or are a danger to themselves or others without them. I wasn’t a danger to myself or others and the psychiatrist hadn’t asked me any questions to determine whether or not I could function normally. So I asked her, “Do you think I need this medicine?” “It’s up to you,” she said. And I asked her again. “Well, I want to get your opinion. Do you think I need them? Because if I need them, I’ll take them. But I don’t want to take them if I don’t need them.” “I think they may be able to make you feel better, but it’s up to you,” she said.
She must have seen the rage in my eyes. You’re about to advise me to take something that will change the chemicals in my brain, cause me to be addicted to a pill in order to function, and inhibit my capability of feeling good on my own just because I told you I feel sad??? I thought. With my sensitive body? I know about depression meds, and all of them have the potential side of effect that you may die or go crazy for life. You’re about to recommend this medicine to me and it may kill me or make me crazy for life, and you can’t even tell me that you think I need it??? You didn’t even ask about my coping skills or support system? You didn’t even talk about other alternatives? This is how you treat people when you think they don’t know any better? This is murder, I thought… She saw my face. “Maybe you don’t take it for now, and see how you feel in a few months,” she said. “We just want you to feel better…”
I left the office cured. The doctor wasn’t willing to put her job on the line and prescribe something to me that she didn’t feel I needed, unless I requested it. It meant that I don’t need psych meds. It meant that there is hope after all. I had thought there was hope, but it was good to be validated by someone who evaluates mental health every day…
For the past three days, I’ve been getting up and doing stuff. Without meds. I can’t say that it’s been easy. In fact, it has been hard. I have been pushing myself every day, but every day it gets easier. I have been dressing up like I used to, taking my time to lotion my body, condition may hair, do my nails and feet, match my shoes to my purse to my earrings, put on sweet outfits, and even put on a little make-up. When I walk down the street, people smile. It is amazing. Even in one’s lowest moments, you can brighten up someone else’s day
I have been following through and finishing the many tasks on my “to-do” list, slowly but surely, and they have been getting done. I finish at least one thing a day and then it disappears. Sometimes I do more than one thing, but I stop when my body starts to feel too weak. Sometimes I cry about things. Whatever… I think about the fact that about a month ago, I couldn’t even do one thing a day. My body wouldn’t do it. Now, when I look in the kitchen and my dishes are washed, or when I look in the mirror and see my skin is clearing up, or when I go out in town and run into someone I know and they tell me I look radiant, or when I get a little bit of money because I had followed through and posted an ad to sell the ridiculously expensive scarf that my ex gave me (selling that scarf made me feel so happy), I realize that the drowning is over. The tide is changing. I can do things to help move myself forward now. I am moving slowly, but I am moving forward. I am getting better. And I am grateful.
Everything has changed. I can honestly say that the past few months have been the hardest time of my life. Seriously. From the outside, it doesn’t appear that way. I have had times when I had less money and my living situation wasn’t as good, etc. These past few months, it wasn’t the outer circumstances in my life that were so bad. I mean, there was and is plenty to worry about in my outside life, but it was my inside life that had me so tormented. It was my inability to control anything that was happening to me. My health and body just went crazy and there was nothing I could do about it. My emotions just went haywire nonstop and there was nothing I could do about it. We think we are in control of so much. But then one day your body breaks down and your mind breaks down and there’s nothing you can do about it. And you realize that you don’t control everything.
I tried really hard to hold on to my health and my emotions. I tried really hard to keep it together. And then things got so bad that I realized that I couldn’t keep it together. And so I let it fall apart. I just let the pain come. I just let the avalanche of tears fall. I just let my body break. And I knew that I couldn’t get through this time alone, so I called out for help. And helpers came. Helpers came. I realized that I don’t have a lot of people in my life, but the ones that I do have… they are golden. My friends and family prayed for me. My mother held me in her arms like a baby and prayed for me. People cooked for me and brought me food. My poor friends who have very little money went to work and sent me money so that I could eat healthily. My sis and bro came by and checked on me. Mr. President told me that I wasn’t gonna die, and I believed him, because he’s the president… And I didn’t die. They didn’t let me die, God. You didn’t let me die.
Or maybe You did. There is a school of thought that believes that we carry imprints of all of our experiences deep in our cellular bodies. According to this school of thought, once one decides to transform ones way of life on a soul level, the cellular imprints are released. The process of release can cause a huge imbalance in one’s emotional, mental and physical bodies and one can become very unstable and sick during this process, until the energies are stabilized. Maybe this is what has been happening to me. Maybe I have finally been letting go of things on a soul level. Maybe. Maybe the old me has finally died and maybe I have finally learned the lessons needed to prepare me for the next phase of this journey called life. Maybe…
No matter how one explains it, there is no doubting that my entire life is in the process of change. Like Don Lee said “change. life if u were a match i wd light u into something beautiful.”
This is what change looks like. Change isn’t always some pretty, fantasy, butterfly-looking thing. Sometimes it is a caterpillar in a cocoon wrapped so tight that it squeezes the excess fluids out of its body. Sometimes it’s a former drug addict shaking uncontrollably as his body goes through withdrawal and cleanses itself. And sometimes it’s a woman crying for a month nonstop as she releases lifetimes of bottled up pain. Sometimes you just gotta let change happen. Sometimes, if you’re stubborn like me, there’s really nothing you can do except let change happen…
I can sense light coming in from the other side of my cocoon. Soon this part of the transformation will be over. Let me learn all I need to know, God. I am willing to change form. Let my wings be strong and beautiful, old scars transformed into beautiful patterns. Let my Spirit be light. I am willing. All that does not serve the highest purpose of my life is left behind. Soon I will take flight. Soon…
Day 378
The Diagnosis (Change is Underway)
