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Day 372 – On Finding My Way

November 21, 2014

OK. This is about the third time that I’ve deleted an entry without posting it. Sometimes there’s just so much going on that I don’t know where to start.

Topics in mind are: relationships, women things, and religion.

I am breaking up with the Old Prophet. I kind of already did, but we need to have an official conversation where we both know we are on the same page. I’m not going to villianize him or put all of his dirt out in the street. I will say, though, that he asked me to change my hairstyle.

-_-

It’s very small, and it’s actually not what broke the deal, but asking someone to change any part of their appearance before you have made any commitments to them in any form or fashion says a lot about one’s character. The Old Prophet didn’t take me to the airport. And he didn’t pick me up from the airport. He could have. But he figured I could get to and from the airport in ways that wouldn’t inconvenience him. And he’s right. I could have. But that’s not the point. The point is, you can’t tell someone that you want to have their baby and that you want to marry them and then not take them to the airport or pick them up.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” as my nephew says. It just doesn’t add up. Several other things didn’t add up with the Old Prophet, but what became most clear is that he is either not willing or not able to love me or care for me in the way that I want to be Loved and cared for. Not only that, but if I married him, I would be the only person bringing the life to the party.

My issues with the Old Prophet are much deeper than what I’m putting on this blog, but suffice it to say that he’s not “The One” for me. And this is the best time of my life.

I am sitting at the Writer’s Guild Library sitting across from a handsome guy around my age. This is the best time of my life, and this blog is about women things. And relationships. I close my eyes and imagine what it feels like to be in Love again. I close my eyes and imagine what it feels like to do my dream work. I close my eyes with gratitude that there is no where else that I’d rather be than right here right now.

I close my eyes and give thanks for this initiation. I am a woman now and I have found my way. What does that mean, you ask? It means that I will never have another boyfriend again. Yes. Never. The next man that I “date” will be my husband. Yes. I’m not talking about arranged marriage or any of that. I am talking about taking control of this thing I call life. And I’m not talking about “control” from an ego standpoint. I am talking about knowing what I know. Finally. At last. Standing up and knowing what I know and doing the next part… The important part… Living it!

And here is what I know. I know that if I have a question or a challenge in life, I can close my eyes. I can close my eyes while in prayer or meditation and ask that question. And God will lead me in the direction of the highest good for myself and all involved. I know this. It doesn’t always make sense. It doesn’t always follow logic. And I don’t always listen to the Guidance received. But I know that this is my way in life. When it comes to men, when it comes to work, when it comes to where I live, when it comes to anything. This is my way in life. And now that I know what I know that I know, it is time to live it.

And here’s what else I know: This thing, this vision of my dream life, did not come from me. It is from a higher place. It is from the place where I know what I know. Knowing that, I also know that there is no way that I would get a vision from that higher place without there being a way for that vision to be fulfilled. And that being so, I can rest easy when I am making decisions and going about my life. “Is this in support and alignment with my vision?” is the only question I need ask.

Now, getting back to men. I envision a mighty, mighty Love. I envision a brilliant partner that I will spend the rest of my life with. And it is only fitting that he envisions me. I know that our life views will be compatible. I know that I will be able to sit with him and talk to him about anything. I know that he will Love my hair just as it is, because I will be who he has prayed for. Sure, he may make suggestions after we have built trust and made commitments to each other, but I just know that he will be so much more Lovely than I can imagine. There is just no more need to put up with shit. Shit is shit. It stinks.

I know that life is beautiful. And I know that life and God is for me and not against me, and it’s time to start living like it! It’s just time to start living like I really believe that everything that was planted in my soul will blossom. It is time to start living, Lord! Everything You have planted in my soul will blossom. Because I allow it to. I allow everything You have planted in my soul to blossom. You see, if you actually believe that your dreams will come true and then start acting on that faith, everything changes. I have barely started living this way, but I know it’s real. Because everything has started changing already.

The other day, I was lead to an alternative medicine practitioner who did a procedure on me to realign my spine. In the past year, that I have been sick, no doctors have been able to diagnose me correctly or help me. But I prayed and was led to reach out to someone who in turn recommended this person who did the procedure. And the symptoms in my body are starting to heal already. Not only that, but I am not devastated about the breakup with the Old Prophet. I am perfectly fine with the way things have played out. I have been spending time with the people I love and realize what beautiful, Loving people I have in my life. My friends and family are so Loving and Giving. Extraordinary. Money is showing up from sources that I never would have imagined.

This is becoming my new way of Living. I know it is not everyone’s way, but I also know that everyone has a way. It is important to figure it out. Find your way. Find your way. Find your way. We were not put on this Earth with no Guidance and no help. But there are so many decisions and so many options on any given day that choosing what man and what job and what city and what state and what country and what religion and what food and what clothes and what shoes and what hairstyle can be very complicated. It is easy when you are in survival mode: You choose the path that helps you eat. But once you get out of survival mode (and you will), you must figure out how you are going to live the rest of your life. How will you know what choices to make? What is your reference point? Will you just pick the job that makes the most money, even if it means supporting a company that goes against your belief system? Will you marry the man who has the most stability even if he has the least passion? These are all choices and at some point we will have to decide how we are going to make them.

Explore, ask, question, and seek until you find an answer. I found my answer. From the depths of a dark, vast ocean, You have led me to safe shores. “Rest now,” You tell me. “Eat of the Good things I have provided you. See Love everywhere. See Love everywhere. See Love everywhere. Even in the midst of despair. See Love everywhere. Here is your home for a time. Be Love. Everywhere. Always. Be Love. Here is your home for a time. Hone the gifts I have given you. Soon they will be of good use. Do not doubt or worry. You know. You know. Yes, you know what you know. You have found your way at last.”

Ameen.

Day 372

On Finding My Way

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