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Day 364 – Peaceful Things

October 12, 2014

Good morning Lovers,

I hope all is well. All is well with me. In fact, I think I haven’t felt this way in years. Probably 2012. When I won that car and trip, etc.

My situation is the same. I live at the same place. I work at the same place. I make the same amount of money. I have changed, though. A lot. I am at peace.

So much happens every single day that it’s hard to keep up and write about the details. Those three weeks of work therapy may have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I went back to work and wrote a letter to the President of my company explaining everything that had been happening to me at work for the past five months. I used the techniques I learned in work therapy class. 1. Explain the facts with exact dates. 2. Say how you feel and how that affects your job performance and life. And 3. Tell them what action you’d like to be taken. If you don’t know, months ago, I had been wrongfully accused of informing a coworker/friend of mine about an investigation that the job was doing on her. My job wanted me to sign a letter saying that I was an informant and I wouldn’t sign it. I went to the Union to contest the letter and the whole process took over three months of meeting with different people. After the last meeting, my job told the Union that due to a technicality, I couldn’t contest the letter.

Then they tried to change my evaluation and put the contents of the letter on my evaluation. I went to the Union again and contested that. I won and they changed my evaluation back to the original. Shortly thereafter, I was supposed to go on vacation and my vacation hours had mysteriously disappeared from the computer system. Well into the time that I was supposed to be on vacation, my supervisor still did not tell me what had happened to my vacation hours. In fact, they had stopped talking to me. I couldn’t breathe. My head hurt all the time. I couldn’t concentrate while at work. I went to the doctor and she put me on immediate stress leave and I didn’t go back to work the next day…

During my stress leave, I got three weeks to center and reevaluate my life. They made me (and a group of other stressed-out workers) took classes on communication, assertiveness, mindfulness, and self care. I went to my favorite park and my favorite food stores. Two days before going back to work, I got my check and saw that they had marked me as absent for my sick leave days and hadn’t paid me. When I went back to work and looked at my time sheet, I saw that they had marked me absent without pay for the entire three weeks, even though I had sent them a very detailed letter asking to use all available leave time to compensate for my sick leave.

All I could think of was my peace of mind. There was no way I was going to moving due to the inability to pay rent. There was no way I was gonna go without healthy food. I couldn’t believe they were messing with my money. My breath started to get short, but I stopped and used the techniques I learned in class. I breathed and breathed and prayed. Then I took action. I wrote a letter to the President of the company and told her everything that had happened. “This situation has made it very difficult for me to function at work. I feel like I have no recourse to unwarranted adverse actions taken against me,” I wrote. And then I waited. Two days after my return to work, I had a meeting with upper management. The president had gotten my letter and management was under investigation by some secret unit that I never knew existed at my job. It was too late for them to pay me for the two missing days on my check, but right in front of my face, they changed my time sheet for the next to week from absent without pay to paid. They asked me what else they could do, and I told them.

That was this past Monday. Within a week, they had corrected or attempted to correct all of their errors. Then on Friday I had an emergency and had to leave work for a few hours. I told my supervisor that I would come in to work from 12 to 5 and he said “OK, Laydie.” When I came in to work, he waited until 3pm told me that I would only be paid for four hours instead of five. He said that I had to take a lunch. When I told him that I thought we had agreed for me to work from 12 to 5, he said that he had never agreed. He said that saying “OK” did not indicate agreement… First, I told him that I was going to take an hour lunch, but then I thought about. Nope. It wasn’t right. I went back and told him that I didn’t think what he was doing was fair. We argued and agreed to disagree. Finally, I said, “You can put absent for four hours on my time sheet. I will put absent for three hours on the timesheet I am filling out. When upper management sees the discrepancy and asks why, I will explain to them what happened.” I walked out of his office.

The interesting thing is that I wasn’t worried. I was calm. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I didn’t care. I wasn’t even mad at him. He had always been a coward and he was just being himself. He had agreed to my working hours, but now, maybe upper management didn’t like that decision, so he was trying to blame me, classic coward style. It was OK. That’s what cowards do. I said a prayer and blessed him and went back to work. About fifteen minutes before the end of the day, he came and apologized. He said he would notate my timesheet as absent for three hours. I apologized as well…

I am winning. Finally. I am finally standing up for my right to be treated with decency. Did you know there is something written down in the UN that talks about our basic human rights? We all have a right to be treated with decency.

My neighbor bought me some food the other day and gave me his bus card so that I could get around town. He knew that one month of docked pay was hurting me. He makes me want to write poems and stuff. I realized that he’s not and will never be my man. He’s so cool and loving, but I actually couldn’t ever see myself building a life with him. But he’s an awesome person and friend, and I’m glad to know him.

My friendships are very few these days. There is no man that I’m dating. Guys call sometimes, but I’m in the market for a husband, and they’re not it, so I don’t show them much interest. New Boo lingers around, but he’s afraid of vulnerability and everything else that’s necessary in order to fall in love. There’s nothing more I can do to try and make him feel safe. I remain open to Love and only Love.

I applied for that professional program that I got nominated for. I don’t know what will happen, but I did my best. Just being nominated was an honor in and of itself. It means someone out there thinks I’m a professional writer. It means there’s hope.

I don’t really know how I have lived with such drama and such stress and chaos and such heartache in my life for such a long time. I don’t know how I have carried so much pain in my heart. I don’t know how I ended up having so many dysfunctional relationships. No wonder my body and my mind finally broke down. It was time to do life completely differently. It is time.

I have said it was time before now, but here is the difference between now and then. Now I am ready. I have been tested. The same storms brew around me, but I walk calmly in the midst of them. Loneliness still pokes me sometimes, but I would rather be alone in lieu of spending time with people I am not in alignment with. And the best thing. When I put in that application for that professional program, I didn’t feel fearful or doubtful or have a panic attack, like I would do in the past. Instead, I felt hopeful. I imagined how happy I would be working with whoever I would be working with. That kind of life seemed very plausible for me. I thought about how I would be myself and share myself with my coworkers. I thought about how they probably have never met a woman like me.

Today is a peaceful day. I am in the in-between, the place where I know that the thoughts and the intentions that I am setting are going to pass. And so I think good thoughts, thoughts of gratitude and well being. Thoughts of love and joy. Thank you, Allah. Insha’Allah, this new life is going to be good…

It already is.

Ameen.

Day 364

Peaceful Things

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From → The Alive Part

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