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Day 371 – The Inside World

November 14, 2014

I have been having a Lovely time with my family. It is a different world here: calm. My mom cooks three meals a day. I wake up in the morning and go to the beautiful backyard, sit under one of the two mango trees, do my stretches, meditate, vision, and read books. I play with my nephew, who is so full of life, and hold my beautiful niece, who was only born a week ago.

I talk to my mom and two sisters. We go swim in the ocean, get massages, watch shows and take walks. We talk… It is good to see them. All is well between me and my family at last. I ask my brother-in-law about his life. He shares. Life is good.

I can believe that life is this good. Yesterday a friend of mine contacted me to pay back a debt that he had incurred years ago. It is the exact amount of money that I need to get a medical procedure done next week.

I can believe that life is this good.

This good life has me thinking about my life in LA. LA is not so bad. LA County in general is quite a beautiful place to be. The problem with LA is that there is such a huge gap between the haves and the have-nots. If you are on the side of the haves, then you, too, can live in a house with mango trees in the backyard. You can go to shows and get massages and talk walks in beautiful nature. The nature here is better, but the nature in LA is still beautiful. In addition, LA has the industry that I work in and many opportunities. All kinds of people live in LA. I look at my life there. I have been living on the side of the have-nots, and that is why life has been so hard.

That is the downside of LA. Most of the population lives on the side of the have-nots, because it is so expensive and competitive. There are so many people wanting to do exactly what you want to do…

I will be going back there in a few days, Allah, and I can no longer live the way I was living. It just won’t do anymore. I need to live my life now. I need to do my writing thing and I need to be present in the world of affairs. This barely surviving thing that I have been doing for the past few years has run its course. Time for something else. Abundance, I call your name. Ya Wahab and Ya Razaq, I am courting you.

Life is not just about me. I mean, our lives are not just about us. Sometimes it makes all the sense in the world, but when I try to write it down, it leaves me.

I am getting stronger and most of the emotional issues that have plagued me my entire life are gone. I no longer harbor deep seated resentments towards certain people. And I get sad from time to time, but I’m not really depressed anymore. I can maintain happiness for long stretches of time and that’s a big deal for me. I am keenly aware of how my interactions with others affect me and how I affect them, and I have learned to be intentional with who I spend my time with. This is so important. I seek the company of those who nourish and those who accept the gifts that I bring. I surround myself with kindness because I finally recognize that I need it.

How have I managed to go all these years being enmeshed in so many dysfunctional relationships? I am so sorry, Laydie. I am so sorry. No wonder we haven’t been able to get anything done. Now that we have learned how to go long stretches of time without crying every day… Now that we have learned how to deal with meanness and all the awfulness that exists in the world and even within us without getting wrapped up in it… Now that we are finally learning the delicate balance between being strong yet gentle… Now that we are getting the hang of being open and yet being able to protect ourselves… Now that we are finding our way and really understanding what this human thing and this life thing means to us… We are really understanding what this life thing means to us.

A light has been turned on in our inner world. Yes. It is what has been missing all this time. We have been walking around the Earth confused and sad; victims with so many bruises. We have felt powerless to change anything. We have felt unsure of who we are. At times, we have wanted to just close our eyes and be done with it all. We could not see a way out of darkness.

But today we are here, and in spite of our blindness, we have made it out of the darkness! And a light… a light has been turned on inside of us. Deep down we know that we will never be lost again.

This is what it means to find yourself, You say. Here, with your eyes closed, you find peace. You plant it deep. You find Love. You cherish it. You see abundance. Familiarize yourself. Sit with the Truth for a while… When you open your eyes and walk out into the world, the fears will come. The doubts will come. Time will pass. Sit with the Truth for a while until the Truth becomes your life.

You will say this teaching is too abstract. What are the steps? What do we do next? Do we apply for a new job? Do we move out of our apartment and go somewhere else? Do we keep writing? I say you know the answers already. Now know the answers. What do you do next, Laydie?

– I trust.

Good. How?

– I move in the direction of my true life.

Yes. They will call you crazy, but that is nothing new. They have called you crazy for years, but they watch in admiration… And what is your true life?

– For now I write and Love. I find opportunities to write and Love. I pay my debts. The money will come. The money comes. It sounds absurd, but the support will come. Trust, You say. How will the money come, I ask? FIND WAYS TO EXPRESS YOURSELF IN TRUTH AND WATCH THE ABUNDANCE TAKE YOU OVER.

I listen. I listen for once and at last. I listen. You are guiding me. None of it makes sense, so I realign my senses. There is more to life than meets the eye and mind. We were not put here without guidance. We are not abandoned children left to flounder and drown. No! There is a light to guide our way through this life. You may find it in religion. You may find it through suffering it. You may find it any way you find it, but look for it! Look for it, and you will see that all that has come to pass has come to pass, and yet we live. We are still here. And that means that there is still hope.

We stand up in the inside world and watch our lives unfold. Ameen.

Day 371
The Inside World

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