This is by far the most grown-up part of my life… And I want to write about strong things.
There has been a lot of fear in me these past weeks. There has been a lot of uncertainty. There has been a lot of doubt. The main questions have been, “What do I do next?” and “How do I go from here to there?”
My neighbor just woke up. Should I leave or try to do some work while he’s up? Leave, The Lord says… all right. to be continued…
I left. And it’s 24 hours later. What a day yesterday! What a day… A beautiful, wonderful day. I went to the park. The ocean had been getting to me. I had been drowning in this vast ocean that I call my life. My head had been hurting. Felt like gold sand was in there just seeping out of the space behind my eyes. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t take any forward action. And so I had to stop. This was not how I had planned for the week to go.
So I stopped. I went to the park. I read the Note To Self that I had written to myself earlier. I had written it right after deep prayer, right after a moment of clarity. It read, “Finish all that was in the past. Work on my real dreams this week. This week is what I have. Work on my real dreams. Get them all off of the ground. Get my debts/bills/past in order. Ameen. Get organized and prepare for a mighty, mighty, mighty blessing.” I’m glad I read that note, because my mind had been about to go to panic mode and start looking for jobs. But, see, I wasn’t supposed to do that this week. This week I was supposed to get everything in order and be done with all my preparations and things from the past. Writing portfolio should be done. Debts done. Unfinished projects done. Conversations had, so that next week I could start from ground zero, as if I came to Cali for the first time. This time, though, I would have a refined portfolio of work to show to people. This time I would be organized and have binders and have a schedule. This time, I wouldn’t have any crazy relationships with friends, family or lovers that were messing with my emotions. This time, I would have an apartment and a car and insurance and a good month of bills paid. This time there would be no weights from the past to hold me down. This time I would know how to nourish myself if the ocean seemed to be overwhelming me. I would know where to get food and fresh air and love and peace. This time I would be ready for the world.
I stopped yesterday and prayed. And it was hard because my mind and emotions were all over the place. But I sat down under my favorite tree in my neighborhood park. It’s a jacaranda tree. It looks like a scrawny little thing with small leaves, but once a year, it yields beautiful, soft, purple flowers for about a month. That time is coming soon. Oh, I can’t wait for spring! The flowers will bloom soon. They have been there all along, you know. Just like me.
The flowers have been here all along, waiting for the right time to blossom. And finally, this is the right time. I sat under the jacaranda tree yesterday and told myself that I was going to sit there until I felt some peace of mind. I was going to sit there until I was no longer afraid of the future. I was going to sit there until I believed that even know, at what appears to be the darkest time of my life, the highest possible results are automatically forthcoming. I was going to sit there until I believed that this is not the darkest time in my life. I was going to sit there until I believed that this is the best time in my life; until I believed that every time is the best time in my life. I was going to sit there until I could feel a spark of joy in me somewhere. I knew that there had to be some joy somewhere in me. I couldn’t continue with the grumpy, desperate attitude that had been plaguing me for almost a week. And so I sat. I prayed the prayers I learned as a child. I did the meditations that carried me through my grown-up years. I stretched, read my Oneness book, and tapped into some alchemy meditations. Finally, after about four hours, something in me shifted. I could see how wonderful it is to be in the active environment of Los Angeles at a time when I am taking action in my life. I could see how lucky I am to have so many friends and family members who are always there for me. I could see the possibility of abundance as an option for me. I could see the possibility of love… And then, guess what happened?
A hot, young dude came and sat by me. He had soft, supple looking skin. He was nervous, but I smiled at him and he relaxed a bit. He started chatting me up. He was from the same island that Dream Lover was from. I spoke to him in his island dialect and he responded to me… It was really nice. I asked the Lord if it was OK to be talking to him instead of praying and the Lord said that talking to him was praying. I intended to share myself with someone and receive the gift of his presence. And so we exchanged. At some point, we ended up singing to one another. He’s a musician. I sang him the one song I’ve ever written (I warned him in advance that I can’t sing) and he loved it. And I was reminded of how it felt to be at ease with a man. I was reminded of how it felt to be wanted. I was reminded of joy. We were having a joyful moment. An easy, beautiful joyful moment. The energy was free-flowing. There was no holding back. No resentments. No fear of abandonment. No fear. It was a beautiful moment of joy. Thank You for that, Allah.
I took the young dude’s number, but told him that I probably wouldn’t call. I’m holding out for my husband. And although me and young dude really had a blast, there were some things that he had said during our conversation that made me know he was not the one for me. He had done enough. He brought my smile back, and I think I gave him some hope… Thank you for beautiful moments.
Later yesterday evening, I was coming home from my writer’s group meeting. I was driving around looking for parking, and I saw a handsome man walking on the street. He had cool, artsy shoes and I noticed him. I went around the block and was jamming to some really upbeat music, dancing around in my car, and when I got to the stop light, I saw him watching me. He was just laughing up a storm. I laughed, too, and drove off. But then a thought came to me. He would be nice to know. I told myself that if I drove back around the corner and he was still standing there, I would talk to him. So I drove around the corner, and guess what? He was still standing there. He flagged me down and I pulled over. He ended up riding with me to go find parking and then walking me home. He was awkward and nerdy and he was trying really hard to be a gentleman. And I was glad, Allah, that you reminded me of how it felt to be a woman. It was a simple thing, but I was glad to be reminded me of how it feels when a man is walking towards you.
I realized that My People is not walking towards me. He has been running away. And so I let him go. Hey. You said to do it. I let My People go… I finally got it. It finally clicked in my head. Love is easy. Life is easy. Start with an intention and keep holding out until you meet it in the world. That’s it. Do not ask for an orange and then when an apple comes your way, try to make it into an orange. Ask for an orange and wait for an orange. You will know when you have found your heart’s desire. It will not hurt. It will not make you feel unwanted. It will not drain your life force. It will not take away from your focus. It will not leave you feeling confused. It will inspire. It will make you feel like you belong. It will energize you and help you focus even more. It will leave you in a space of Divine clarity.
I don’t know what will happen with my man life. Heck, I don’t know what will happen with any part of my life. But what I do know is that this week I will finish all that was in the past. I will hold fast to my real dreams and keep walking towards them until they become my reality. I will Source joy from the depths of my belly. I will express all the love that’s in me and receive all the blessings that Your pour out daily. I will exercise my Spiritual muscles. I will activate all this good stuff in me and use every ounce of my being to keep on keeping on. What I do know is that the highest possible results are automatically forthcoming, for me and everyone I interact with. I know this. I trust this. I own this…. And so it is… Ameen.
Thank You so much, Allah. Thank You so much…
Day 427
The Highest Possible Results (Are Automatically Forthcoming)
Dear God,
I am afraid. To start a life. To start over. I know I am supposed to be strong and brave, but I am afraid. Women are not taught to be this way. We are not taught to do things on our own, without heroes, without husbands, without fathers and mothers and anyone telling us what to do.
My identity is crashing. I am not supposed to be ok without a hero. But I don’t have a hero. I am my own hero. And I must be ok. For my children. For the women. For the people who come after me, the people whose lives I will touch. For myself and my smile. I must be ok. Even for the men.
Something is horribly wrong in our world. Women are not women. We are afraid little girls subjecting ourselves to all manner of trauma and pain… How can we be women yet fearless? Do they go together? How can we be women yet know what to do? How can we be free of heroes when we are women and all we know are heroes?
Something in me says that something is quite wrong. That we are out of place. Somebody tricked us and told us we were weak and dumb. Something in me says that we are much more powerful than we know.
I want to ride the wave, God. I am tired of flailing in the ocean. I want to ride the wave. But I am afraid of all the things that I do not know… Still, I want to ride the wave. I want to know my own power. I want to make it through this very critical time of my life with grace and ease…
I am sad that You did not give me My People. I want to pretend that I am OK, but I miss him. I miss him a lot. Why do you make my heart fall in love with men who will not have me? I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to find someone else. He was perfect for me. And he was a good man, Allah. Of the best. I thought that I was finally going to be able to explore joy and life with someone who had the capacity to understand and appreciate me…
And so I am here. It is 8:33am and I need to find a job today. And I need to finish filing some court papers today. And I guess I can not cry and feel sorry for myself all day. I guess I can not be afraid all day. I still need to eat…
Can You give me some confidence? Can You help me to know the Truth? Can you help this time of my life to be easy?
And then the sun comes up through the windows. I have never seen the sun shine through the windows in this house before. And You are telling me that this is how I become a queen: by looking into the belly of my own fears and facing them. There are no heroes but You. And You are in me. And so it is time to save myself. That is the secret that they never told the women. We must save ourselves.
Yes, the men will be there. Yes, we will live life with others. But we must find the diamond power within us in order to restore ourselves, and our world, even, back to balance.
How can I walk with my head up, Allah? I am afraid I will be alone. I am afraid that there will be no one able to understand me. I am afraid that I will always be the comforter and never the comforted. I am afraid that I will fail. I am afraid that I will succeed. I am afraid, God… You are asking me to be a woman who stands in her own power, and those are revolutionary thoughts. I am afraid that people will hate me. People will try to kill me. People will call me crazy. People will say that I am trying to be a man and, although men will admire me, they won’t want to marry me… I am afraid that life will never be easy like Hawaii again.
If I do this thing… If I stop being afraid… If I become all of me… I can not even write about it. I feel like I will die. I will no longer be me. A woman standing in the fullness of her power is a rare creature in our world, but I don’t see any other way to keep moving forward. Crawling will no longer do. Crying all the time will no longer do. Fear and pain and withhold will no longer do. And playing small just isn’t good enough anymore.
What does a woman in her power look like? Is this idea blasphemy? Show me the way to become the Truth of who I am. I must give up worrying about people calling me crazy. I must give up worrying about people thinking I’m doing stuff I’m not doing. I must give up worrying about what people think of me. Period. I must be ok with who I am. A woman in her power sets the tone. She decides what kind of life she wants to live and then she goes about the business of taking action to create it. This includes Love. A woman in her power includes Love, for that is the Source that will sustain everything else. A woman in her power forgives everything, for she understands that the energy of hatred and resentment will thwart her best efforts. A woman in her power is not ashamed of all that has transpired in her life in order to bring her to the moment where she finally realizes who she is… A woman in her power trusts… Yes. Trust. Trust, baby. Put that in your belly with Love. The demons don’t want you to know who you are, because a woman in her power always changes darkness into light. The demons will come to scare you. They will whisper things to you to try and keep you from seeing the Truth. Look within yourself and simply ask, “Is this true?”
You will see the lies easily. You will see your path easily. Don’t worry about assholes. They are assholes. A woman in her power participates in the creation of her reality by taking action. This is what the men understand. You must take action. Consistent action. Action that is in alignment with what you say you want. If you want a loving husband, you can not stay with men who do not show you love. You are not behaving in alignment with your intention. A woman in her power demands that her environment reflect the Love that she is, and her environment (and her man) responds accordingly.
It is time for us to take our place… In my belly, there is a fire burning. It is telling me that this fear will no longer do. It is telling me to step into my power as a woman. Redefine it. Understand it. Know that power is not a dirty word. And that power and woman are not oxymorons…
-If you believe you were born to be a queen, then what would a queen do right now? What would a queen do about My People? Give him an ultimatum? Chase him? Find another man? Wait?
-What does it look like to embody confidence? Not arrogance, but confidence. Confidence that God is for you and not against you. Confidence that I did not leave you here alone without guidance. Confidence that your life is a good life. Have confidence now. Your life is a good life, even if you can not understand it. Walk with the knowledge that you are pure and Divine. Walk with the knowledge that you are a Blessed child of God, and the Universe will respond to you accordingly… That is enough for today. It is time for action. Be Blessed, My One. This is the day that the Lord hath created. Let us rejoice and Be Blessed.
Ameen.
Day 426
In Her Power (A Woman)
I believe it is the smog that gets you: the grey ash that seems to be descending everywhere, barely perceptible to the human eye. Before I went to Hawaii, I thought that the sky in Los Angeles was blue. The sunlight was beautiful.
But now everything looks different. The sky seems grey-blue, as if there is always an ashy haze in it. The people seem to be daydreaming, and as I interact with more and more people, I recognize that most do not believe a word coming out of their own mouths. Most do not believe that their dreams will ever come true.
If this is an initiation, God, then this is an initiation for me! Geez…
It has been a challenging day today. I’m spending the weekend at my sister’s place. I arrived last night. She is pregnant and sick with pregnancy sickness. She doesn’t drink enough water. She doesn’t eat enough fruit and vegetables. She doesn’t get enough rest… She is far, far away from everyone and everything. I miss her. I miss the carefree, happy girl that I watched grow up. It is hard to watch her go through so many challenges and not be able to do anything about it…
My People disappeared. Well, he didn’t really disappear. He’s just not willing to be an active part of my life right now. If I called him, he would answer. If I showed up at his house, he would open the door. But he is not calling me, and he is not showing up at my door, and that sucks. I could play woman games and get him to show some interest in me, but I don’t want to play any woman games. I don’t want to do any manipulation. I want him to come my way simply because he wants to come my way, if he’s going to come my way at all. No guilt. No obligation. No manipulation. Just choice. Just him wanting to spend time with me because there’s nothing else he would rather do…
I thought things were going to be different. I have such a huge imagination. I thought he was going to be my husband. I thought I was going to come back to Cali and we were going to get to know each other better and then he was going to realize that he doesn’t want to live without me, and we both were going to get our life’s work moving in the right direction and finish doing whatever we needed to do in LA and then skip town and get married and start a life somewhere with blue skies by the end of the year… I know. The year is not over yet. But I’m not sure if my compulsion to be so deeply connected to him is a vision inspired by You, God, or if it is just my fantasy.
Our last two conversations were super intense. He made himself very vulnerable to me; implied that he felt like he might be missing out on something in life because he didn’t have much joy in his life; was deeply concerned about my housing situation. I felt his heart reaching out to me, wanting to help me, wanting to protect me… He was so concerned about me that he couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep. He stayed on the phone with me till the wee night hours, conflicted about what to do for me; conflicted about how to interact with me. I got the feeling that he wanted me to tell him what to do, but You told me not to tell him, God. You told me that he had to learn to trust his heart… So I didn’t tell him what to do. And he didn’t trust his heart. He chose from his mind instead. Texted me the next morning with an epiphany: My presence in his life had helped him to realize that he spends too much time and energy trying to help the people in his life with basic survival stuff. He recognizes that he now needs to make the time and space to focus on his life’s work…
-_-
Wrong answer. Love will bring the balance necessary for him to do his life’s work. Joy is the fuel that will make his work easy… I can not tell him those things. He will not listen to me. And who am I anyway? Just a woman with random thoughts and inclinations that come from nowhere… A part of me wants to evict him from my heart and mind, but another part says, “Be patient.” I ask my Spirit what to do. “Nothing,” She responds. “Just keep asking me what to do.”
There is no need to run to the arms of another man because tomorrow is Valentine’s Day… My head hurts.
And so I am learning about this thing called patience. And so I am learning about this thing called faith…
I went to my Writer’s Group meeting today and was very welcomed. The president of the Organization gave me a big hug. Another executive invited us all to his house to watch movies this upcoming Friday. It’s cool living with my neighbor. We have become good friends and I enjoy his company. His house is not as moldy when he is living there. He keeps things very clean…
This is what I’m dealing with today, in the city of smog where the grey ash descends upon all who would dare to come here chasing a dream…
I took a break. Read some inspirational posts on Facebook. What I would like to be is on top. Instead of flailing around in an endless ocean, I would like to ride the wave now. Instead of feeling like a victim, I would like to feel able. I would like to experience a meeting of wills: two open hearts reaching towards one another. I experienced it in Hawaii. Everyone in that situation needed what the others had to offer. Now this is different, but maybe I just can’t see clear because of all of this fog.
-There is always a meeting of wills, You say. With your sister, with My People, with all who reach towards you… Even with your sister’s spouse, there is a meeting of wills. It is important, at this phase in your life, to choose what you would like to experience. You are somewhere else now. You are walking in the fog. The environment does not support light. It is up to you to channel the light within. But you must do so on purpose. You must know how to be a light even in the fog. This is the work of a true light-worker. I want you to choose now. Dear Laydie. Choose. Every blessed day. Every day when you wake up, no matter where you laid your head the night before, choose. Choose. No matter how your sister or brother responds to you. No matter how My People receives you. No matter how sad or happy you are feeling in the morning. Choose to bring light and love. Choose to be light and love. No matter your energy or headaches. Choose with all of you. Every part of you. Choose to receive light and love. And do so with grace. Do so with confidence. Stand strong in your knowledge of Me. I am here with you. I am here with you. I am here with you. You will have moments where things do not go as you thought they would. Even still, I am here with you. Look for my voice. Look for my Guidance. Ask me what to do and know that I am answering you even before you ask. This is not theory. This is not rhetoric. This is the secret that so many refuse to accept. I am here with you, buoying you up every step of the way. Let the remnants of your painful past fall away. There will be more tears, but soon they will stop. Many years you have suffered. Many years you have cried. Many years you have not known who you were, nor have you known how to be in the world. You are doing a different thing. You are blazing a trail that is not often blazed. But you are not on your own. See your cheerleaders all around. See your helpers all around. They are rooting for a dream come true. They are rooting for the light. Give birth to the blazing light within you and watch as the fog clears in your path.
This is not a dream. This is not a fantasy. This is your new life calling you into it. Take action. Take action. Take action. Trust me. You will make it through the fog…
Ameen.
Day 425
Through The Fog
Dear You. God. Allah. Jah. I Am That I Am. Mother. Father…
Thank you.
It was like the movies. I prayed to you, and then I had a revelation.
Thank you.
All is well.
I am in Cali for the first time.
Active Cali.
Hustling Cali.
Cali that hurts you so much that it makes you want to be the love that you can’t find.
I am living with friends who want to be the love.
You brought me here. You wouldn’t let me find a room to rent to save my life!
You knew where I needed to be.
I Love You.
Thank you.
You helped me to release the need to fall in love with unavailable men and I’m sure the my presence in My People’s life has helped him much in coming back to you.
I can let go of the pain in the past. I understand why the men I loved were never there for me. My People helped me to understand. It was never about me. It was the feelings and the fear that I awoke in them: feelings that they were not ready to face; fear that they were not ready to confront.
One day, they will dive into the fear and see it for the nothing that it is. One day, Love will pull them forward into the arms of their beloved. I have done my part and I release you, my Loves… Thank you so much for finally making me into a woman.
I am a woman now. Yes. I am. Truly unafraid to show up in the world in the fullness of who I am.
My dad is proud of me. My mom is proud of me. My cousins are proud of me… I am moving around with Grace and Confidence, like you told me to, mom. I still have to work on the confidence part, but I’m getting there. I’m gonna watch some Beyonce videos and practice speaking with my head up and without fear. I’m gonna practice speaking like what I’m saying is true and like I am who I am… I’m going to practice keeping my word to myself… I am proud of me.
I am born again.
You helped me to identify Your voice and to learn to take action that is moving me forward.
You bring messengers. You bring mirrors. You bring signs. You bring help. You bring so much Love. I have seen so much Love. And You are telling me that that is my real gift. Writing is just a by-product. My real gift is my big, Loving heart. Use it and I will never go wrong.
How can I thank you enough?
The sun shines through the windows in my neighbor’s house. This is my family. My other family.
And I will see my sis this weekend. I will be her part-time family, her sister, and give her the space to learn what to do with her new family of choice.
I have done well, You say…
This is just like the movies. Thank You, God. Thank You. Ameen.
Day 424
Just Like The Movies (All In A Day)
My baby sis is on the mind… This one is for you, God. I am at a crossroads. A major one…
Back in LA. Ran into a guy that I had met over ten years ago, back in the days when I first stepped foot in LA trying to be a model. I was background acting and met this very memorable guy who was telling me about a script he had written. He was talking about how he had been speaking to some major actors and how he was going to sell the script. I have run into him from time to time over the years. He’s an actor in the union, but he also writes and makes music. He is always talking about a project he’s working on, and he is always struggling for money and always single and lonely looking… I ran into him today, about four days after my arrival in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles looks different after having been in Hawaii for a while. The sky is grey-blue and dusty. If you stay outside for a few hours and wipe your face with a Kleenex, there will be a brown residue on the tissue. It is a place where dreams come to die and dreams come to be born; but most of the dreams die here and people end up like my friend I just ran into: always talking about some project that never quite sees the light of day.
We run to relationships here in order to combat the loneliness. Standards are low. Will you stay? Check. Will you answer calls? Check. Will you tell me what I want to hear? Will you hold me sometimes? Check. That’s good enough. There are so many flakes here that being willing to stay with someone is more than enough reason for someone to pledge their body and soul to you…
It is a sad place… But I don’t want to tell you about Los Angeles. You already know about this place. I want to tell you about my life, because I need help… Can I speak plainly, and not in code? It has been over ten years since I first stepped foot in LA, and for the first time, I see how much time has passed. I have not gotten very far. I know, you will say I have gotten far. To have a car and a job and a decent apartment in Los Angeles is more than many. To not be involved in some crazy dysfunctional relationship while living in LA is saying a lot. To not be wanting to slit my wrist or jump off a building is an accomplishment in this city. But still, I haven’t done much… I’m just now realizing that I haven’t done much… You will say that I have done a lot for a lot of people, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean I haven’t done much for myself.
I am like my friend that I met today. It hasn’t been ten years since I thought of being a writer, but it has been more than seven. And more than seven years later, I have barely completed two scripts and hardly made any submissions. And my reel is tiny and not put together. I haven’t made much progress… I have been busy getting my heart broken and jumping from relationship to relationship with idiot lying men… I have been busy subletting rooms and letting my apartment out and dealing with strange roommates… I have been hashing it out with family members who don’t want me to have visitors or who want to have visitors that I don’t want in the house. I have been doing everything except the work that You have asked me to do…
And now I am here, in the dusty city of LA, wondering what I should do with my life. I have help everywhere. Even my sis wants to help me, but she needs more help than I do. I am tired of running. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of always having some sort of issue in my life. I am tired of being a nobody and having so much potential and so many gifts, yet never actualizing them fully… I am tired of being tired.
I want to go to my neighbor’s house, but I don’t like his religion or the energy in his house. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I don’t like her husband. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I don’t like the smoke. I want to go to my other friend’s house, but I don’t like the smoke (or the fact that he’s probably going to flirt with me). I want to go to my other friend’s house, but it’s too small and there are bugs in his bed and he’s going to fall in love with me if I stay too long… I would love to stay with My People, but he is overwhelmed by people always wanting to stay with him. People want to stay with him because it is so rare to find a drama free person with a clean house and fresh energy here in LA… I want to go home, but there is no home. Hawaii is not home. It is a place of refuge; a place to stop and think; a place to get it together; but it is not home…
I want to know where home is…
I want my dad. Sometimes I just want to go away from here… So why am I writing You, God? Well, I guess I’ll ask You the question. What should I do with my life now? Or, better yet, where should I sleep tonight? Where should I sleep tomorrow? I have no place that I want to go. I have a little bit of money, but not enough to stay at a hotel every night. I haven’t been able to find a room I want to rent, and the sun sets at 5:30p here… And it’s 5:00… Do I get a ticket back to Hawaii with the money I have? Do I go to wherever my mamma is? Do I just stay with one of the people who are willing to help me? Do I stay here in LA? Period? Oh. I forgot. I have a brother here. He always wants to give people his unsolicited advice, though, and his advice is usually to quit whatever your dream is and settle for what is tangible…
You said that if I followed Your voice, You would take care of me. Well, I followed Your voice last night and didn’t go to anyone’s house like You told me, and I ended up sleeping in my car. And I followed Your voice and ended up in LA trying to be a writer instead of all of the other fantastic things I could have done with my life. And I followed Your voice and I ended up not being there for some of the people who I wanted to be there for because You told me to take care of myself. And I am here now, in the one and only Writer’s Guild Library in the United States, and I don’t know where I am going to sleep tonight… An old man is sitting across from me flirting with me and procrastinating…
And I don’t know about Your voice anymore, but it is all I have.
Tell me what to do, please. Tell me what to do, because my brain doesn’t work anymore, and I don’t have any answers… How do I create a life I want to be a part of? How do I get to the place where I am finally doing the work that You have asked me to do? How do I be sure of the voice and the inspiration You give me? It never makes any sense. People think that I am being selfish or crazy or whatever else when I don’t do what would appear to be the move that helps others. They don’t understand… Or maybe I don’t understand. I don’t know anything anymore, but I have nothing to rely on but Your voice. So tell me what to do, please. Tell me how to stand up as a woman. Tell me how to get out of this seemingly endless nightmare that I call my life. Tell me how to have the life that You put in my dreams. Tell me how to be someone that I am proud of. Please. I can not continue on like this. I can not remain trapped in the fog of LA. I must do something with my life now. Enough is enough…
Please. Tell me what to do. Please… In the movies, I would walk outside and then have a major revelation. I know this isn’t the movies, but please give me a revelation. I’ll do the work. I’ll stay up late. My body works now. I have more energy. Please… Just tell me what to do… I will do it.
Ameen.
Day 423
The Question
Starting point. Ending points. Stability. So many thoughts. So much to do. Leaving soon. Four days. LA. Appointments. Lawyer stuff. Need to be there two days in Feb and one day in March.
Mom wants me to just go to appointments and come back to Hawaii. She is worried about my safety and health.. Hawaii. Beautiful place for healing. Peaceful. Gentle. Nourishing. Purifying. I Love it here…
I am thinking about the rest of my life and I am thinking about foundation building. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. Whatever came before this is just over. People who used to know me see me and think I am who I used to be, but I am not. I have changed. I am a butterfly now. There are wings on my side that will take me anywhere I want to go.
The only question is, what do I do now? Where do I go? What’s the plan for the rest of my life now? You say I have to create it, but I don’t even know where to start. With my movies? My songs? My books? The play I’m going to write? Where do I live? Here in paradise where people take it easy? Or out in LA where everything is always busy? What if I was able to live anywhere in the world and have enough money to get just the kind of living space I want and I could work from anywhere in the world and just fly to people or have them fly to me when I was ready to collaborate? Because, in truth, when you are a butterfly, and when you work as a writer, you truly can be anywhere in the world and get your work done.
And what about a man? I know that I will get one exactly when I want one.
So again, we come back to the only question that exists once you are free. What exactly do you want to be doing with this thing called life? Without the feeling that I’m obliged to try and save some people, and without the agreement to try and make others happy; without some man telling me to get on his team and live here and do this, that, and the other; without a kid forcing me to hustle so that I can make money for whatever; and without a car note or a house note to pay; without a super sickness stopping me from taking certain actions; and without the limitation of money (or I should say with the delusion that I don’t have the limitation of money); without depression or all that emotional stuff that keeps one moored to the bed… Well, there isn’t anyone or anything to blame for the decisions I make. There is no reason for me to do or not do anything.
And the question still remains. What does one do when one is free? Allah, I’m not afraid. I’m just confused. What is the purpose of my life? Am I supposed to be like Ghandi or Mother Theresa or Maya Angelou? Or am I just supposed to live a quiet life somewhere with a house and a family and a job? How does one figure out what to do really do with one’s life when one realizes that you can really do or be anything you want? Have You programmed us with missions? Like, are there already things that we come with? Things we are supposed to do? Or do we just make it all up, like a story? I know, most of us are caught up and we just do what our mom or our culture or our man tells us to do. But what about the men? How do they figure out what to do?
Maybe I am like a man, because I am not looking to my mom or my culture or some man for guidance. I am looking to You. Tell me. Who am I and what am I to do with this life of mine? I need a home base now. A place with my own bed and a place that smells good. A place where I can burn incense and sing to the walls, lol. I’d like to do things in the world now, like make things. I think this impetus came from You, God, because I can’t understand for the life of me why I feel so compelled to write things and just express myself to the world. Where should my home be? I am going back to LA and I don’t know if I should be planning to get a stable place in LA or if I should just drop in and come back here to Hawaii and then get my own place out here. But, even though Hawaii is by far the most peaceful place I’ve ever been, somehow it doesn’t feel like the place I want to live. It feels like the place I want to come and visit, for some months or so, so I can rejuvenate, but it feels like home is somewhere else.
And I don’t know where home is. The only time I’ve ever really understood what being home means is when I met My People, but he wasn’t ready and maybe not even willing to make a home with me…
Home for me is everywhere, isn’t it? Tell me. Guide me, now, into this abyss where everything is possible. I can not see the end of my story, and there are only a few things that I can see on the outline. How can I take any action when I don’t where the story ends? If I don’t know the ending, it’s hard for me to know which direction to focus in…
– What do you want your life to be about?
I want to be the hero that I have never had… Strange… I want my life to be about You. I don’t even know what that means. To me, You are everything. I want to help set people free and I want to bask in the glory and the beauty of my own freedom. I want to see the sun with others who have eyes to see. I want to make Love and make babies and I want to know that I am safe here in my own skin, no matter where I go.
Let us just push delete. Delete the fear. Just delete it. It’s OK. The world has enough of it to remind you of all the things that could go wrong on a daily basis. The free do not make decisions based on what they are afraid of. We choose based on what we want our lives to be about. It is a forward choice. And so I am more clear…
LA calls me home. For now. We will find a room with clean linens. A place to pray. We will fill our bodies with fresh food.. I want to fly now. I want to bless others with my butterfly presence and I want to smell flowers and be blessed by the presence of all You have created as well. I want to make a home somewhere and I want to make things: songs and dances and movies and plays and books. I can see a faint picture of my life in my mind’s eye. This is for me.
Allah, I am ready to take the next step. I am ready to start life as a butterfly. Thank you for taking me this far. I open up my wings…
Ameen.
Day 422
Freedom Songs
Ground Zero
Fear
Of starting over
Of starting anything
I can not write poems when I lay on my belly
The words don’t flow
I have to get up
Sit up
Stand up
Here at ground zero
Everything is behind me
Everything is in front
Everything is here and now
Pure choice, they call it
Decide who you want to be
Decide who you want to be
Decide who you are
And Live it
Be it
Bring it
Share it
Decide what you will receive.
Decide no Fear.
No Fear
No fear…
No fear.
Who was I before the war?
Survivor’s guilt.
My smile remains in tact and I am nicer than before.
How have I become invincible, God?
Will I be enough?
Will I be OK?
Decide no fear.
Without fear, ground zero is a trampoline and not a desert.
It is fertile soil. It is an adventure. It is anything you can imagine.
Without fear, I am smarter than I’ve ever been and golden light surrounds me, welcoming me home.
Love pulls me forward.
Can you feel the air here? There is the sweet caress of gentle nothingness.
Choose and it shall be.
Decide no fear. Decide wisdom. Decide brilliance. Decide Love. Decide humility. Decided happiness. Decide abundance. Decide to be supported. Decide to be supportive. Decide. Decide. Decide.
Decide to be brave. Decide to be kind.
Choice is all there is, my Love.
Choice is all there is.
This is your new life
This is your new life.
The war is over.
Welcome home.
I’m an artist. I don’t know if I’ve ever said that out loud before. I might have said it here…
I’m trying to find the words for this feeling that is welling up inside of me. A friend of mine died last week. He was more than a friend. He was a soulmate. He had wanted for us to be married, but I didn’t want to marry him. And so he asked me, “Well, if you’re not going to marry me, can we at least do God’s work together?”
And that is the point. I told him that I would work with him, and I wanted to work with him on all of the brilliant projects that he had, and he kept telling me to hurry up, but I didn’t move fast enough. And now he is dead. I’m going to do what I can with the work he left behind, but it would be nothing like it would have been if I had done the work with him. He was him and I am me. And I don’t know anyone who is big enough and humble enough and caring enough and strong enough and confident enough to do his work the way he would have done it.
He thought I was. He thought I was a leader and a saint and all of these good things. He thought I was supposed to make stuff and help people, whatever that means… I don’t know if I’m a saint. I’m definitely a sinner with some insight every now and then… He was an old man. I liked to listen to him talk about me, because I knew he was telling me the truth: he was telling me the truths that I sometimes wouldn’t even dare tell myself.
Like, I am an artist. And I have things in me to give to the world. I don’t know where these things come from. I don’t know why they are here. It’s not that I want to be rich. It’s not that I want to be famous. It’s not that I want to say, “Yay, me. Look at me.” That’s not the point.
The point is, I’m supposed to be rich. I’m supposed to reach a lot of people. It’s part of why I am here. It’s the thing about being an artist.
We come here on missions. I know. None of it makes sense. It doesn’t even make sense to me. I have always been a quiet girl. I have always been shy. But I’ve always felt like I was supposed to do something here, not just have a man and some kids and work a job somewhere. I mean, I would love to have a man and some kids and work a job somewhere, but that’s not the point.
How can I bring to words what I know, God? What are You trying to say through me in this moment?
I miss my friend. I am sorry that I will not get to hug him again. I am sorry that we will not get to do God’s work together. I am sorry, my dear friend, that I did not understand the urgency of it all… I didn’t understand, God, that the time to do Your work is now.
Sigh…
One day, you just have to stand up and say, “I am ready now.” You can always keep practicing. You can always keep getting better. But one day, you just have to stop bullshitting. Do your work. Do your thing, man. Stop acting like your life doesn’t mean anything, because it does, artist or not.
We are busy lying to each other and lying to ourselves. We are busy hurting each other. We are busy wallowing in our own miseries and pretending like everything is OK. And I know. I couldn’t write these words if I hadn’t gone through my own journey of lying to myself and hurting people and being hurt and experiencing the depths of powerlessness and victim-hood. I wouldn’t be able to understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed by the ocean of water in your head sometimes, and I wouldn’t be able to recognize the eyes of the broken-hearted had I not experienced some of the things I’ve experienced. I wouldn’t know this concept called compassion and I wouldn’t have awakened the part of me that must come alive in order to break free of all you have ever known.
I know that being down-and-out has a place, too. And
I know that we are not always ready to do God’s work.
I know that we are not always ready to face the truth.
I know that fear is real and everyone will not be able to move past their fears – at least not in this lifetime.
But if you are ready – warriors, priests, Queens, Kings, workers, laymen, artists, mathematicians, healers, mothers, fathers, followers and leaders – If you are ready, it is urgent.
The Universe is calling you out of your pain. It is calling You to be whole. It is calling you to Love now. Give now. Do your thing now. It is calling you to move on and move past this part. It is calling you to connect with Your People. They will help you. God is calling you to get over your pettiness, now. Just forgive, already. Forgive, while you still can. Let your heart be at ease. Let your life be at ease…
My Spirit is waking up at last… Something in me is finally trumping all of the fears that I’ve had all these years. Something in me finally gets it. There is no time to waste.
Allah, I want to package up this feeling I’m feeling right now and keep it with me for the moments when fear and doubt will try and get in the way of me moving forward. I want to take this realization with me for the moments when pride will try and stop me from being loving and giving and forgiving. My Dear Friend who has crossed over to the other side, please help me to always remember who I am. Please help me to finally do God’s work.
I finally understand. I finally get it. It is urgent.
Ameen.
Day 420
The Urgency of Art. (And Life. And Love.)
Hey there…
It’s been a pretty challenging week. Probably the most challenging week I’ve had since I’ve been in Hawaii. I haven’t gotten much done. I don’t know how or why not.
This was my day: I woke up at 7am to the sound of mom chastising niece. Usually, I try and pray and meditate and stretch from 7a-9a, and then I start working on my writing from 9a to noon. Then after noon, I take a lunch break and rest, and I work on other stuff from 2 to five. That’s in my dream schedule.
It doesn’t seem to always work out like that unless I leave the house. If I stay in the house, it usually works out like this: I wake up at 7. If I manage to get out of the door and go to the backyard before 7:15a (before my nephew wakes up), then I can do my routine until about 11, when someone inevitably bothers me. Then, when I come in the house at anywhere in between 11 and noon, it’s anything goes. There is always someone with something going on and they want you to participate in it…
So today I woke up at 7. I did not escape to the backyard by 7:15, so my mom found me. She was mad and in a rush to drop my niece off at school. She asked me if I could get my nephew ready for daycare. So I did. I put his clothes on him and helped him brush his teeth and combed his hair. He cried about me using the wrong toothpaste and combing his hair too fast. He got an attitude about the toothpaste and I threatened to whoop him, and then he started to listen to me. He and I had both brushed our teeth by 7:50a, and then I tried to do some stretches. Right then, my mom came home from dropping off my niece.
The night before, she had told me that she had a doctor’s appointment at 9 that morning. It didn’t matter if I start work at 9. My work does not seem important, since it is not a job job. Even though I usually don’t work more than four hours in a day, I am told that I work too much. So, since my mom was going to a doctor’s appointment, she asked if I could watch my one-year-old niece. Also today, someone was supposed to be dropping off a new couch that my sis bought.
So my mom came home about 8a, had a nervous breakdown because she couldn’t find her socks or my nephew’s slippers (by nervous breakdown, I mean she started whining and complaining about her lost socks, and then when she couldn’t find nephew’s shoes, she started crying). She left around 8:30. By that time I was mad as hell. I went and warmed up the baby’s bottle, because I knew she would be waking up soon.
My other sister who lives with us was at the sister’s house who doesn’t live with us. She usually watches the babies in the morning, and she was supposed to have been home this morning, but she was at my other sister’s house and hadn’t told anyone when she was coming home. I sent her a mean and angry text for not being here and for being at my sanctuary. She responded with a mean and angry text. Then the baby woke up. It’s about 8:45 now. Right when the baby woke up, the furniture people showed up. So I went downstairs real quick and let the furniture people in. Then I went upstairs and got the baby. I fed her her milk while the folks set up the couch. They left around 8:55. Then I changed baby’s diaper and got done right at 9a, which is when my writing coach called.
I was mad and frustrated. My minimum daily amount for writing is fifteen minutes a day, but I almost always write longer than that. Today, my coach told me to write for fifteen minutes. I took out my paper (I’m mapping out character arcs right now), but I was so frustrated I couldn’t write anything. I just stared into space. Fifteen minutes passed, and I had written two lines. My writing coach called me back and we did a therapy session, releasing mental blocks… Done around 10:15a.
Then the baby wanted to play. She wanted me to read her a book and when I didn’t, she threw a temper tantrum. I gave her some food, played with her, read her a book and put her to bed for her nap. 11:00a. I had an appointment for a job at 1p. I knew my mom would be coming home from her doctor’s appointment any minute, so I took some time to meditate and said loud “Ommmmm’s” before mom got home. She arrived right after I had gotten done saying my tenth “Om”. Talk talk talked about her doctor’s appointment. 11:40a. Had to leave house by 12:30p in order to make 1:00 appointment. Legs needed shaving. Hair needed washing. Got dressed. 12:32. Left house.
Made it to appointment right on time. Done by 1:30p. Hungry. Hadn’t eaten all day. Didn’t want to go home. Wanted to go to beach/park and work, but left my computer at home. !!!! Needed to get balanced. Spirit out of whack. Sad. Mad. Annoyed. Not feeling in control of much. Need space. Space. Space. Time. Needed time to breathe. I just want to get my work done. I just want to get well. Put beach on GPS. At least I could go there and meditate until I felt balanced. Read my books until I see something that will stop me from getting lost in this downward spiral of negative emotions.
On the way to beach. Passed by restaurant called SEEDS. Sounds good. Healthy. Pulled over. Hidden food complex. Jamaican restaurant right next to SEEDS. Looked at both menus. Jamaican seemed better. Went to Jamaican restaurant. Ate. Jamaican restaurant looked like restaurant that Dream Lover’s cousin owns. Memories. I Loved him so much. We used to be in his cousin’s restaurant just dancing in front of everyone. Having a good time. Natural. He told everyone I was his wife. And you tell me he had a secret life? You tell me he had a secret kid? Why? Why, God? I went to his Facebook page. None of it even mattered. I didn’t even care about his secret life or his secret kid. I forgive you, I thought. I Loved you so much. I haven’t danced with anyone I love since you, and it has been years, I thought. We were not supposed to end the way we ended, with a disappearing act… I was going to send him a Facebook message, but when I went to type, I saw the previous messages I had sent him. Years ago. They had never been read. I saw the friend request I had sent at least a year ago. It had never been accepted. It had been years, God, since I’ve had a real Love. Random heartbreak punched me in the chest. Not gonna cry at restaurant. Left.
2:30p. Nephew’s car seat is in the car I’m driving. They need it to pick him up by 5p. I need to be home by 4:30p… Sigh…
Headed home. Will go to neighborhood park and chill out. Arrive at neighborhood park. . Text mom and tell her I’ll be home by 4p. 3p now. Turn off car. Breathe. Cry… I don’t know why. I wish I was done with stuff. I wish I could make a daily schedule and stick to it. I wish I had a space of my own where I wasn’t bothered and I could just do what I want to do in a day. I wish I was well already and I didn’t have to worry about my energy just giving out at any moment when I have stuff to do. I have to go back to LA soon to handle some business. There is nothing in LA for me. My sis is pregnant and will need a friend. My friend, who nursed me back to life, is sick and doesn’t think anyone in the world can help him but me. Wants to live with me and be where I am until he gets well. I have no money to support folks with…
There is no food for me. There is no one to nourish me. People try, and they help a bit, but they are mostly too sick themselves. Unresolved rage. Denial issues. Demons surrounding their energy field. Undiagnosed chronic depression. No one believes in energy fields. No one believes in demons. No one believes in intuition. No one believes in being guided by one’s heart.
No one understands that anything good or true that ever happened to me only happened when I followed my heart and intuition.
Sat in my car and cried. Tired. Don’t want to fight my sister. Think she has issues with me. I’m so over it… Sis just came home. Nephew just came home. Gonna be kicked out of his room soon… Sigh…
Sis is gonna want to go and stay at other sis’s house. Why wouldn’t she? Why wouldn’t I? I should want to go. I do. But I feel like the move will be a big deal. I feel like my mom needs me. I feel like the energy of this house needs me. It sounds stupid, I know. But my mom is worse off than me. She needs Love and care more than anyone in this world. Everyone’s always asking her for shit and wanting her to be there for them, but no one even notices when she’s dying. And she’s dying. I’ve helped bring a little light to her life, but it’s not sustainable. I can’t sustain this, Allah. I am feeling drained and I have no food. No spiritual food. No like-minded soul that I can be honest and open with. Nobody who is interested in truly creating a balanced and stable inner life with a foundation of integrity and truth… If I am to help all of these people, if this is my calling, then it is OK with me, but I need to know how and where I can go to get nourishment and get well…
Got home at 4:15p today. Stayed in car until 4:30 and let the sun touch my face. 12-yr-old niece came outside and got me so I can come in… Came in house. Talked to mom. Ate. Talked to sis. Talked to niece. Played with baby. Watched Wheel of Fortune. Started writing this blog around 7:00p. It’s 7:48p now. I’m glad I wrote. The longest blog entry I’ve written since I started this thing…
Cathartic. Thank you for reading about my shit. I got invited to join a dance group out here. I declined because my energy was all messed up this week and I think the commitment might be too much for my body… My People’s not into me. Maybe he is, but he’s not pursuing me or trying to get to know me any better, so it’s all the same to me… There is no lover to cuddle with. There is nobody on this journey with me. I am the strong one here. I am the leader here. And it’s OK. I’m OK with being strong. I’m OK with leading.
But I need your help, Allah. Help me to fully get to the other side, please. I know. Today is just one day. But our lives are just a compilation of day after day. This is some grown-up, brave shit. I’m not going to let this day, or this year, or all that has happened before now stop me from moving forward. Nope. You say heartbreak is mend-able, right? You say my body is fixable. You say my mind and Spirit are capable of being balanced and aligned. Yes? I’m in it, then. Tell me what to do. I’m in it to win it. Yes. I’m in it to win it. I will not stop! I will keep going. And on days like this, I will come to You and commit myself even more. I will let my ego fall apart. I will say sorry. I will restructure, rebuild, realign and communicate. I will reach out. I am reaching out. Will you help me, Allah? You say You will. You say just keep moving. Just take it day by day…
Day by day.
Day 419
Day By Day
Hey.
I have about forty-five minutes before I have to go and do my niece’s hair. I pulled a twenty-four hour shift yesterday. I woke up at 4:30am and was busy doing stuff all the way until 4:30am this morning.
I am amazed and grateful that I was actually able to be on “go” for twenty-four hours straight. A month ago, I couldn’t have done that even if I wanted to. I saw my doctor yesterday. He’s the most awesome doctor ever. Perfect for me. He’s a classically trained chiropractor, but he’s also knowledgeable about Eastern medicine and energy medicine. Yesterday, he tested my electromagnetic field in order to find out if I had imbalances or deficiencies in the different parts of my brain. He gave me some nutritional supplements afterwards and suggested that I do a 21 day detox program, which consists of me eating different foods for twenty-one days. I’m excited about getting started…
I’m feeling a little groggy and moody right now. I sent My People a text earlier today and he didn’t respond. Sigh… Sometimes, Allah, I wish that I could just get started with my dreams already. I don’t know what My People is up to. He could be out in a forest somewhere meditating or he could be romped up with some woman or he could be sitting at home drinking tea and just deciding not to communicate with me, for all I know. I’m not upset with him, because he’s awesome and he’s never led me on or anything, but I’m just upset.
I have to go back to the world soon, but I don’t want to go back to the world by myself. And I don’t want to go back to some stupid job that pays the bills just for the sake of having a job. Last night was my sister’s birthday. And we went out to dinner with her and some of her friends. And one of the people at the dinner table was an old 65 year old lady. She works in media, but in news, not in creative stuff. I told her I was a writer and she took an interest in me and told me that the only thing I will regret in life is not following my heart. She told me to continue following my heart… I got the feeling that she had wanted to do something creative with her life once upon a time.
What happens when you follow your heart but it doesn’t get you anywhere? I love my family in Hawaii, but I would like to have a bed again and be comfy again. I would like to decorate my space for once and have flowers and paint my walls and burn incense and sing out loud in the house like I used to. I would like a husband to come home to. I know I can have friends and I will and do have friends, but I would like a husband now.
And I guess I’m frustrated because I thought You had finally sent me my husband, but he’s not ready to be with me, or he doesn’t pick me, or whatever. And I can’t dream about building a life with him because he (being the noble man that he is) hasn’t given me any rope to hang myself with. And I don’t want to wait for him to figure himself out. I don’t want to wait for twenty-one more days before I can get well and get started with the next part of my life. I want to be done already. And I want to get started with my dream life already. I want My People (or somebody) to be here getting to know me and building with me already.
What else do I have to do, God?
…
The good news is, even when I am feeling all frustrated and confused, I know that the moment will pass and I will have clarity and peace soon. Even as I am here writing out my frustrations, I know that they will end in a moment, and I will find You, God, right where you have always been. Here with me. So shall we skip to the clarity and peace part now?
I am here thinking about survival stuff again. How will I make money? I need to start working soon. What job should I apply for? Should I go back to LA? I can never get my mind to believe that I can make money writing and doing my projects. In the back of my mind, it’s always like, “I can do such and such job and then do my projects on the side.” It’s never like, I can make money from doing my projects. And I am afraid of LA now. The smog. The stinky streets. The warning sign at the front of my apartments that says that standing by my mailbox may cause harm to pregnant women. The opportunistic, fake people who are always more concerned about work than anything else.
I like some things about LA. I like my spiritual center. I like the fact that you can do freelance work really easy. I like that fact that there are a lot of people willing to collaborate on entertainment projects. I like my favorite park out there. And I like the way the sun shines through the windows in my apartment. I like the tree with the pink flowers right outside of my bedroom window. I don’t have many fulfilling relationships in LA, though. I don’t hug anyone from my heart like I hug my nieces and nephew in Hawaii.
The people in Hawaii are innocents. Not just my family. The culture here is warm and authentic and pure. The air is pure. The water is clean and fresh. Smiles are genuine…
Allah, I am ready now. You keep telling me to do the same thing. You keep telling me to do my projects and see what happens. You keep telling me to follow through on the ideas that I have already had. You keep telling me to keep my heart open in the direction You guide me. Don’t betray my heart. Be patient, OK. If I have done everything You have asked and things still haven’t worked out, then come talk to You again. But see what You have done? See, how I am here, in the land of healing, with the best doctor I can imagine, and Love, and support, and food and sun… and time? See where you have led me? Be patient and obedient and know that the rest is on its way.
-Just let the fears fall away. Let them. I am here changing you. I am here molding you into the leader you are destined to be. I am here humbling you. I am here refining you. I am here nourishing and purifying you like you asked. I am here. Only acknowledge me and you will see that I have always been here. Patience…
Ameen.
Day 418
Patience
