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Day 422 – Freedom Songs

February 1, 2016

Starting point. Ending points. Stability. So many thoughts. So much to do. Leaving soon. Four days. LA. Appointments. Lawyer stuff. Need to be there two days in Feb and one day in March.

Mom wants me to just go to appointments and come back to Hawaii. She is worried about my safety and health.. Hawaii. Beautiful place for healing. Peaceful. Gentle. Nourishing. Purifying. I Love it here…

I am thinking about the rest of my life and I am thinking about foundation building. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. Whatever came before this is just over. People who used to know me see me and think I am who I used to be, but I am not. I have changed. I am a butterfly now. There are wings on my side that will take me anywhere I want to go.

The only question is, what do I do now? Where do I go? What’s the plan for the rest of my life now? You say I have to create it, but I don’t even know where to start. With my movies? My songs? My books? The play I’m going to write? Where do I live? Here in paradise where people take it easy? Or out in LA where everything is always busy? What if I was able to live anywhere in the world and have enough money to get just the kind of living space I want and I could work from anywhere in the world and just fly to people or have them fly to me when I was ready to collaborate? Because, in truth, when you are a butterfly, and when you work as a writer, you truly can be anywhere in the world and get your work done.

And what about a man? I know that I will get one exactly when I want one.

So again, we come back to the only question that exists once you are free. What exactly do you want to be doing with this thing called life? Without the feeling that I’m obliged to try and save some people, and without the agreement to try and make others happy; without some man telling me to get on his team and live here and do this, that, and the other; without a kid forcing me to hustle so that I can make money for whatever; and without a car note or a house note to pay; without a super sickness stopping me from taking certain actions; and without the limitation of money (or I should say with the delusion that I don’t have the limitation of money); without depression or all that emotional stuff that keeps one moored to the bed… Well, there isn’t anyone or anything to blame for the decisions I make. There is no reason for me to do or not do anything.

And the question still remains. What does one do when one is free? Allah, I’m not afraid. I’m just confused. What is the purpose of my life? Am I supposed to be like Ghandi or Mother Theresa or Maya Angelou? Or am I just supposed to live a quiet life somewhere with a house and a family and a job? How does one figure out what to do really do with one’s life when one realizes that you can really do or be anything you want? Have You programmed us with missions? Like, are there already things that we come with? Things we are supposed to do? Or do we just make it all up, like a story? I know, most of us are caught up and we just do what our mom or our culture or our man tells us to do. But what about the men? How do they figure out what to do?

Maybe I am like a man, because I am not looking to my mom or my culture or some man for guidance. I am looking to You. Tell me. Who am I and what am I to do with this life of mine? I need a home base now. A place with my own bed and a place that smells good. A place where I can burn incense and sing to the walls, lol. I’d like to do things in the world now, like make things. I think this impetus came from You, God, because I can’t understand for the life of me why I feel so compelled to write things and just express myself to the world. Where should my home be? I am going back to LA and I don’t know if I should be planning to get a stable place in LA or if I should just drop in and come back here to Hawaii and then get my own place out here. But, even though Hawaii is by far the most peaceful place I’ve ever been, somehow it doesn’t feel like the place I want to live. It feels like the place I want to come and visit, for some months or so, so I can rejuvenate, but it feels like home is somewhere else.

And I don’t know where home is. The only time I’ve ever really understood what being home means is when I met My People, but he wasn’t ready and maybe not even willing to make a home with me…

Home for me is everywhere, isn’t it? Tell me. Guide me, now, into this abyss where everything is possible. I can not see the end of my story, and there are only a few things that I can see on the outline. How can I take any action when I don’t where the story ends? If I don’t know the ending, it’s hard for me to know which direction to focus in…

– What do you want your life to be about?

I want to be the hero that I have never had… Strange… I want my life to be about You. I don’t even know what that means. To me, You are everything. I want to help set people free and I want to bask in the glory and the beauty of my own freedom. I want to see the sun with others who have eyes to see. I want to make Love and make babies and I want to know that I am safe here in my own skin, no matter where I go.

Let us just push delete. Delete the fear. Just delete it. It’s OK. The world has enough of it to remind you of all the things that could go wrong on a daily basis. The free do not make decisions based on what they are afraid of. We choose based on what we want our lives to be about. It is a forward choice. And so I am more clear…

LA calls me home. For now. We will find a room with clean linens. A place to pray. We will fill our bodies with fresh food.. I want to fly now. I want to bless others with my butterfly presence and I want to smell flowers and be blessed by the presence of all You have created as well. I want to make a home somewhere and I want to make things: songs and dances and movies and plays and books. I can see a faint picture of my life in my mind’s eye. This is for me.

Allah, I am ready to take the next step. I am ready to start life as a butterfly. Thank you for taking me this far. I open up my wings…

Ameen.

Day 422

Freedom Songs

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From → The Renaissance

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