I’m sitting at my favorite place in Oahu – Fort Derussy Beach Park. Under a tamarind tree. Birds are eating the fallen tamarinds around me. In view, the deep blue ocean sends foamy white waves towards the sandy beach. The clear, light blue sky holds clouds that look like marshmallows.
I am thinking about what an interesting word “marshmallow” is. I am looking at the wind blow through the leaves of so many trees around me.
It is easy to fall in love with life when you are sitting under a tree next to a beach in Hawaii.
I just got through meditating for hours. I was trying to connect with God. If there is anywhere in the world where I can connect with God, it is here. This is the most peaceful place that I’ve ever experienced…
I was thinking about my Lover… No, I don’t have a Lover, but I’d like one now. A mosquito bite lets me know that it’s time to go home. They always come out at noon…
But can I write a bit first? I want to capture this feeling while I have it. Tomorrow I will go back to LA. The time here has been brief but so worthwhile. My mind, my spirit, and literally my body have been readjusted… I saw my doctor and he gave me more vitamins and disentangled more kinks in my body… And I fell in Love. With no one in particular. I fell in Love with the possibility of real Love.
I lay the past to rest now. It is time to move on…
I saw so many beautiful things in my meditations today. And then I opened my eyes. And I see so many beautiful things here and now. And I ask You, God, can this be my life?
In my mind’s eye, I had a Lover. He was so good to me… There was no more pain. There was no more struggle. He took care of me and I took care of him. And all my relationships were good. Family was good. Friends were good. And I did things in the world. Things I was born to do. I worked, not because I had to, but because there were things I wanted to give to the world. Stories and songs and programs and structures and light. And I gave so much joy. And I brought so much Love.
And, oh, I received it, too. I was not a martyr trying to carry the world on my back. I was a queen and I had warriors around me who fought demons for me and protected me so I could do my work. And I did good work. And sometimes I would fight, but my sword was Love and wisdom. I was buoyed up by You, God. I was flying. And I did good work. My life was a good life.
There are people who live like this, right here in Hawaii. In all parts of the world, even LA. I would like to be among those who can say, “My life was a good life”, after it is all said and done.
I have paid my dues. Oh, I have paid my dues time and time again. And as I leave Hawaii this time, let me leave with this feeling of alignment. Let me carry it into a new life now. Be with me, God, that I may act upon the inspiration received. Thank you so much for Your Love. Thank you so much for your vision. Thank you so much for this day, for this life, for this moment. Thank you for my Lovely family and friends who have been there carrying me through the depths of hell when I couldn’t walk on my own. Thank you for My Kind and the loving, honorable, selfless men who have showed me that loving, honorable, selfless men exist. Thank you for my beautiful sisters and their strength and wisdom. Thank you for Hawaii, God. Thank you for Hawaii.
Day 437
For Hawaii
So, I ended up writing a post the other day, but not posting it. This is a different post.
It’s 5:28am and I ended up getting on a plane – and literally taking flight. I’m in Hawaii right now. Just here for a week to help watch my sister’s kids while she’s out of town…
My name is Laydie Byrd and I have issues with moving forward. There. I said it. That is what I want to write about today. Moving forward is directly linked to finishing things, and moving is not the same thing as moving forward. LA people are notorious for confusing the two. LA is one of the busiest places I’ve ever been, where people are very busy moving, but hardly ever moving forward. Years pass and you find that people have more stuff, more relationships, more everything to occupy their time, but mostly it is nothing they (we) ever wanted… Years pass and eventually we either forget what our real reason for coming to LA was, or resign ourselves to believing that we will never have the life that we dreamed of…
But I am stubborn. Ridiculously stubborn. My stubbornness doesn’t always work for me, but I want my stubbornness to work for me now. I have passed step one and two of my recovery process. I see what’s going on. I see how I have been busy being busy for years. I’m one of the busiest people with no job that you will ever meet. There is always something going on in my life. I don’t care if I’m locked in a cocoon in my apartment and shut off my phone, don’t look on the internet, and don’t go outside. Someone will literally show up on my doorstep with some action. I’m not even exaggerating. Some homeless acquaintance, some friend running from their life, the gas man accidentally trying to turn off the wrong gas, my neighbor trying to find an angle to be a part of my life… Something. Anything to get me moving, yet not moving forward. I’ll be locked up in my apartment and just happen to rub my eye and the one spot on a blanket that happens to have bacteria on it and then get an eye infection for months… And that will keep me busy moving, yet not moving forward… I’ll go out for the one random walk that I’m taking all week and run into some man who I have an awesome connection with, but who has some issue that will ultimately prevent us from ever fully being together, and I’ll throw my attention into said man. Or I don’t even have to walk down the street to find him. I’ll be sitting in my room praying and have a vision of some random stranger (who inevitably won’t want to be with me right now), and I’ll feel compelled to follow through on my vision and seek some stranger out, just so I can get caught up for months and he can eventually tell me how much he Loves/likes me, but doesn’t want me… I’ll almost finish one of my projects, and then get awesome meetings/opportunities to present it to the world, and if those meetings don’t go exactly as I thought they would, I’ll put my project on the shelf for another year and get busy trying to figure out how to work some job that I’m overqualified for so I can barely pay rent. I’ll get caught up in the dramas of my family members (mostly they’ll bring them to me), and then end up fighting my family members about issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I’ll make a lot of progress on something I’ve been needing to do (clean house, sort papers, do some creative project, pay off debt), and then leave one little piece undone, and eventually, that one little piece will end up getting me back caught up. (Case in point: I systematically was paying off a $1000 debt, and left $200 unpaid. They added interest and fees to the debt and now the payoff amount is $600). Need I go on?
So, the first part of solving a problem is admitting that you have one. The second part is, you take responsibility for all of it. I mean, all of it. Sure, there were people, places and things that have taken my attention over the years and stopped me from moving forward. But no one has ever held me hostage. No one has ever put a gun to my face and told me I had to do something they wanted me to do or else… I have chosen to apply for and work for every job I’ve ever had. I have packed my things up and moved to every place I’ve ever lived and/or visited. I have welcomed every vagabond into my house and I have chosen to associate with people who don’t give a shit about me or my progress. I have engaged with family members in the ways that I have chosen to engage with them. I have delayed and/or worked on all of my projects. I could have gone faster. I could have gone slower… And sure, I came into the world a certain way. I had certain parents. I grew up in a certain place. And I internalized certain belief systems and certain values… But I didn’t have to. Sure, I didn’t know any better as a child. But I’m not a child anymore. When you take responsibility for all of your life, it’s not that you let other people off of the hook. You recognize that there were probably assholes, bad people, who did a lot of things to thwart your progress. But then you look back at yourself, and you recognize that most of the time, you didn’t have to be connected to those people in the ways you were connected. You didn’t have to be in that relationship. You didn’t even have to have that job. Yeah, you needed money, but there are so many ways to make money and there are so many jobs. Surely, in the millions of jobs available, you could have found one that wouldn’t kill you. Surely you could have spent some time by yourself or chosen to be in a relationship that was nurturing, rather than getting caught up on an emotional roller-coaster that sabotaged your inner peace and balance. You don’t have to live where you live. Surely you can go back home to your mamma (or someone supportive, or even a shelter) until you save enough money so that you can live in an environment that’s good for you… When you take responsibility for everything in your life, you realize that in every instance, in every interaction, you have a choice. And in recognizing your ability to choose, you take back your power.
And after recognizing our ability to choose, we come to the next next step, which is where I am. I’m writing this lesson to myself, by the way, because I really want and need to move forward at this point in my life. After we recognize that we can choose a different life, we have to choose. And this can be very challenging. It has been very challenging for me. Because if you sit down in a quiet place and say to yourself, “I want to move forward. I am willing to move forward. I choose to move forward”, you will find that there are things you have to do. Most of the time, you’re going to have to deal with things that you have been trying to avoid and then you’re going to have to take some action that’s really uncomfortable. You’re going to have to say sorry to someone because some guilt has probably been weighing on your heart for a while. You’re going to have to forgive someone who is probably still an ass, because thoughts of them consume your energy. You’re going to have to look at the mess you’ve made and acknowledge that yes, you made that mess. And then you’re going to have to clean it up: throw out things that you had gotten used to seeing, change relationship dynamics or end relationships… And the thing is, just because you have chosen to move forward doesn’t mean that the people in your inner circle have chosen to move forward as well. I remember when I started writing a lot – I spent a lot of my free time working on my projects. And some of my friends told me that I was becoming a bore. They weren’t doing anything with their lives. They weren’t moving forward. They were busy being busy doing nothing. And they wanted me to be busy being busy doing nothing with them, because that’s how we had been in the past. And it was hard – to think I was a bore, to think I wasn’t being a good friend, to think I owed people my time because they had given me theirs… But I had to (and I am having to) choose to move forward first. You may have to stop hanging out with some people – there may be those in your personal life who are gonna hate you or be jealous and try to harm you. It happens. Your romantic partner may try to subtly thwart your progress and use all kinds of manipulation tactics to keep you stuck, because they think that if you move forward you will leave them. It happens… And you’re going to have to decide how important it is for you to move forward and how possible it is for you to actually move forward if you surround yourself with people who try to sabotage you every step of the way… You’re going to have to make some tough decisions… The people who really Love you will want you to move forward. They will find ways to work with you. They will even find ways to help you.
So here we go again. I am choosing to move forward again, Lord. You have to keep choosing it until you get there. Sometimes you will take a pause. Sometimes you will move backwards. But there are lessons in your delays. Sweet, sweet lessons that will deepen your understanding, and deepen your compassion. Bumps that will teach you how to take care of yourself and love yourself. Headaches that will help you recognize the difference between people who care for you and people who don’t. Don’t beat yourself up for the time it is taking. We are all going on this journey at our own pace, and eventually, whether it takes a lifetime, whether it takes many lifetimes… we will arrive at our final destination. So when you fall, get back up. Sit still and remember your original intention. And if you never had an original intention, then try it out. Try setting an original intention for at least one aspect of your life. It can be a very small thing. “I want to have one true friend”. Years ago, I set that intention, and now I have more true friends that I have time for. Sit still and set an intention. My intention now is to move forward… For me, moving forward means living a life that is in alignment with my Soul’s calling, and although I don’t know how that translates into all aspects of my life, I know that right now, moving forward means completing some of the things that I have already started years ago…
Choose to move forward. See the places in your life where you are just moving, but not moving forward and start the process of change. See what moving forward actually looks like. See what it feels like. How does your heart feel? How does your head feel? What do you think about? Then, take some action. I’m going to do that now. I’m going to take some action. Don’t you worry. I’m gonna get there. Thank you for being here with me on this journey… I don’t care how long it takes. I am willing to move forward and I’m gonna keep moving. And we are going to get to that promised state of being where we can say out loud, “Yes! Our lives are good lives!” Yes, Lord, I’m gonna keep moving. I am moving forward…
Ameen.
Day 436
On Moving Forward (Finishing Things)
Hey, I wrote this a few days ago and didn’t post. I’m gonna post it, and then I’m gonna write a new entry today. So it’s a double wammy day. Happy Thursday!
OK. This one I’ll post… This is me attempting to be wonderwoman…
This is me digging deeper than I’ve ever dug, because the world is rushing in now. The world is back and it came back fast! I’ve been off the blog for a while because I’ve been out there dealing with the world.
No more “me” time, praying for hours and writing all day long. No more of my solitude in my quiet apartment in the middle of the city.
Life found me, unlocked the gates of my gated apartment and is now compelling me to participate in it or else… Or else what, You ask?
Or else I will drown. I will die. I will go hungry. I will move backwards. Vacation is over. If I don’t participate in life, I will never get married. There will be no books or plays or songs or community development programs or children… There will be no joy.
“I am ready”, the Universe told me, and jolted me out of my cocoon.
And for the past two weeks, I have been struggling to fly. I have been struggling to integrate all of the understandings that I have come upon into my personal life.
I have found the world outside of my apartment to be so mean and confusing. I have found most people to be under spells, “survive, survive, survive” is the constant thought. There are no thoughts of joy. There are no thoughts of communion. There are no thoughts of real Love. “Protect thine own self” is the mantra of the environment that I find myself in.
And, oh, I am tired of fighting. I am not interested in constantly being on edge. I have no desire to lose my hair anymore, but just because I walk out of my house with a smile, doesn’t mean the world will smile back at me.
And so my sensitive, open heart has been struggling with adjusting to this new/old world that I left behind not too long ago. And I haven’t done much flying. Instead, I’ve been bumbling around and getting blown here and there by the wind…
So I am taking a moment. I am taking a moment away from the world that I’ve been in for almost two weeks now, and I am pausing to recalibrate and remember what I learned about taking flight.
How, my Lord, can I live in this world of broken glass? How can I rise above? How can I be in a world of bitter frowns and keep my smile in tact? How can I rise above?
I know this is more than I’ve ever done. I know there is some digging deep and real change that must take place. I know that is the secret. It is not the world that must change. It is me. I know. I know there are habits that must be broken. I know. It is a lot. This part of my life is a lot. I know. I must be more intentional than I have ever been.
My past must be complete, You say. It is weighing down my flight. I cannot ignore what has come before. I can not run anymore… I know.
It is the heaviness of words unspoken. Unfinished business weighs me down. Forgiveness must be given. Talks must be had. There is no way around it. It is the way of the butterfly. Light. No baggage. Clean and pure. It is not a “better than” kind of thing. It is just a me kind of thing. It is just what I have to do. It is just my calling.
And the Truth is, I know my calling. I am not confused about who I am. Sometimes my mind gets in the way, but in Truth, I know the voice of my own Spirit. I know how to connect with Guidance. I know these things. And so You guide me. Today. You are guiding me. Right now. Finish that which is on your heart…
My heart is a living part of me now… My Kind brought it back to life… And I feel so many things now. Mostly I feel compassion for those people who are in Love. I understand again.
You are connected to another, and you don’t want to break the bond, and I have no words of advice. I have no judgments. I have nothing to say except the advice I will give to my own self.
Love yourself, too. Fall in Love with your own Divine self. Love the dream that You had for your own self. Love it to life. Do not let the winds of the world make you forget. Add your own intention to the wind…
I have to make some phone calls now. Arguments must be finished now. Resentments ended. Action must be taken. Promises must be fulfilled. It is time for me to get to the business of flying and dancing. Yes, it is time for me to bring joy and beauty to the world. It is time for me to experience the surrender to the Divine Wind, which brings such ecstasy.
Although fear crouches around and doubt attempts its whispers, I call on something greater to take me through this time. I don’t know your real name, God. I don’t even know if you have a real name. So many religions and so many traditions call you so many things. I don’t know if You live in the sky or if You live in the prophets that have come and died or if You live in me and my own mind. I don’t understand much at all. I don’t know if there is a right way to pray and a wrong way to pray, but I know a little bit about how the mind works, and I know that the mind is just a system of programs designed to maintain and sustain patterns. And so I choose to rely on the Thing that created my mind, because I don’t want some of these old patterns. I don’t want some of these old programs.
I don’t want to be a zombie living under the ash of the city with grey skies. I want to be a butterfly. Intentional. Blessing everyone who crosses my path. Enjoying my very beauty and unity with all that is. And so You, Thing, God, Me, More Than My Mind… You, Creator of Synchronicity, Maker of Skies and Butterflies, I place my Will onto the wind, in unison with all that is.
I am willing to take flight. I am choosing to take flight. Here. Now. Today. In the midst of the whirlwind of life, I am choosing to Rise Above….
Ameen.
Day 435
Rising Above (On Taking Flight)
OK. This is my last attempt at posting a blog for the day. I have been trying to post a blog for the past two weeks, but always end up deleting everything I write.
I have fifty minutes of battery life left on my computer. I’m at Panera Bread and I am going to share something with the world. It may not be good, because I’ve been struggling for the past couple of weeks, but it will be from my heart.
My heart has been hurting. I am so sensitive. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive, but I know it comes with the territory. There are so many good things that come from me being sensitive. I’m an excellent teacher and I’m good at a lot of leadership positions because I notice things that others don’t notice, but that down side of that is that I’m affected deeply by so many things that others just let slide…
My neighbor took his airbed away from me. And it broke my heart. I know. Such a little thing, but it wasn’t. I had told him he couldn’t come and stay with me for a weekend, and the same day I told him he couldn’t stay with me, he came to my apartment and took his airbed, which he had let me borrow, without telling me he was going to take it. When I asked him why he took it, he responded by telling me “look at your situation. You have everything you need.” Afterwards, when we had a long talk about the situation, he said he didn’t know that I needed the airbed, even though I had specifically asked him to leave his airbed and blankets with me because I didn’t want to sleep on my bed and I had thrown away my blankets. He said he forgot that I said that. He was supposed to come in my house and get anther one of his items, and he took his airbed when I wasn’t there. I stopped talking to him after the incident, and then, a few days ago, he called me to talk about the situation.
He continued to say that he didn’t know I needed the bed and asked me to forgive him and be his “sister” and love him. He said that he missed me and that he didn’t want to go another day without me being in his life. And if I was a normal person, I wouldn’t be heartbroken about an airbed. I wouldn’t be heartbroken about someone lying about why they took an air bed. But I am not a normal person. : /
I think God has played some kind of horrible trick on me, but maybe it’s the only thing that would have worked with a stubborn head like me. I can’t do normal people stuff anymore. Like, literally, I think I cried for two days over this airbed situation. I don’t have unlimited stores of energy anymore, so I can work a regular job and then come home and do another job, so it means I have to be clear about whether I’m going to go for my dream or get another job, because I just can’t do both. And if I don’t pray or go out to nature, I start hyperventilating and can’t function straight. And I need so much help with things and my energy is so limited, that I really can’t hang with people who are only taking and not giving.
It is like I have no choice but to live a good life and surround myself with good people. And I’m laughing at myself, because this is what it took, huh God?
There is a cute little boy sitting by me. He just waved hi to me… lol. I kind of love the little kids…
I have backed myself into a corner, and I’m glad. If this is what it took, then so be it. I have to be around nice people, or I get sick. That’s OK. I have to choose how to spend my time, because I have energy limits. That’s OK. Because of my health, I am forced to be intentional about everything.
And I think I have to thank You, God. Thank You. This is the way out of the ocean. You have to be intentional, and you’ve got to back up your intentions with action. I wasn’t able to do it when I was well. I hung out with abusive dudes who didn’t give a shit about me, I wasted time doing jobs that had nothing to do with my dreams, just caught up in survival mode. I spent so much time starting and putting out fires that I didn’t really have the bandwidth to think about creating a life by design.
But now, in the stillness of this part of my life, I must create a life by design or else I will die. Lol. It’s that serious.
– Look at your life. Look at the areas that are out of alignment with the intention that you have set, and correct them. This is the way forward. Align, align, align. You asked to move forward, didn’t you? Don’t you see that this is the first forward movement you have had in years? All movement is not forward movement. Can’t you see that you are graduating? And it is not the world that has changed. It is you who has changed. It is you who has set an intention to Love and be Loved. It is you who has set an intention for truth. It is you who has set an intention to deliver your gifts and talents to the world while you still can. It is you who has set an intention to be the best that you can be… And it takes time to break habits and form new ones.
But we have given you this gift of sensitivity, so that you may stay on track and not waver too far from who you are. We are glad that you are glad. We are glad that you see what it took. When you learn to Love yourself, you will not need so much structure. You are becoming yourself, my dear. And this is what it took…
Ameen.
Day 433
What It Takes (The Sensitive Ones)
Dear One,
You are at another crossroads. You have lived many lives, but this you have never known. The beginning. The place of no obligation and all support. It is not what you imagined.
Here, there is much responsibility. There is no one to blame, for everything you need is given to you, and you have managed to free yourself of all that has held you down for so long.
My Love, do not fear. You are enough. Hear my words. You are enough. You are enough. You are enough.
Do not underestimate the work you have done. Do not underestimate your preparation for this here and now. You have done much and all of your suffering was not in vain. You have already arrived at the place of mastery on so many levels. You have learned the greatest lessons of all: Love, Faith, Forgiveness, and Courage.
Do not be afraid, Dear One. I know the pressure is much. Your failure or success will be determined only by your choices. And there will be discomfort. And there will be opportunities to make a statement about who you are and who you wish to be. And there will be hard truths that must be told.
But this is the journey you signed up for. This is the dream you have wanted all along.
You Are Enough.
Embrace this new perspective. Embrace the beautiful precipice that you stand upon. They will say it is not fair, but they do not know of the dark nights of your soul, nights that they could not have lived through. Do not compare yourself to them. Do not give in to guilt.
You have arrived. Stand up, my Love. I will sing to you. I will give you words and food to keep you strong. Stand up. I will send you angels and strength. You need but open up your arms. Let all that hangs you down fall away. Stand up, my Love.
Dare to know the Light that shines through you. Dare to be the fullness of your beautiful soul.
Stand up, My Love. The war is over and a new life calls your name.
The war is over.
And a new life calls your name…
Ameen
Day 432
Dear One
I am thinking of my friend who passed away recently… I am supposed to be working on my script, but I’m taking a moment to balance myself first. I’ve been doing a lot these past few days. Trying to live all of my film dreams and bring closure to every single thing in my life within the next month and a half.
There is so much… I’m making progress, but there is a long list of things to do. So much, that sometimes praying and meditating and taking care of one’s emotional health and exercising and eating right takes a back seat. The catch-22, though, at least for me, is that if I don’t do those things I will soon become sick and off-balance. So this is about me getting my emotions to a balanced state before I continue on with my day.
I’m super sensitive and my relationships with others (or lack thereof) really have a strong effect on me.
I told my neighbor he can’t come and stay with me, but I offered to give him some money just in case he couldn’t find another place where he could stay for free. He turned down my money offer. Then, he was supposed to come by and pick up some of his things from my apartment. I told him to let himself in, since I wasn’t home (he has a key). When I got home, I saw that he had taken the airbed that he had let me borrow. He was not supposed to take the airbed. He didn’t tell me he was taking the airbed… My feelings were hurt… Wow, we just had a text exchange about the airbed. Sigh… I had to let the tongue loose and tell him what I felt and thought. At least I didn’t curse him out or even threaten to curse him or even try to say anything mean or hurtful to him… He kept lying about stuff, acting like he didn’t do certain stuff on purpose. I cornered him and finally got him to tell the truth about some things… He wants to meet up and talk, but I don’t want to meet up and talk. There’s nothing to talk about. I forgive him. Whatever. He will still be an ass unless I call him out on his ass-hole-ness and make him treat me right. Great. He will be nice to me if I make him: if I stand up to his bullying, if I call him out on his lies, if I force him to communicate his feelings, if I let him know every time I feel like he’s doing some passive-aggressive vindictive stuff (which is about once a week), if I answer his phone calls and respond to his texts pronto… Sigh. That’s a lot of work to be done in order for someone to be nice to you.
I know that his feelings will really be hurt if I decide not to be his friend anymore. I’ll still be his friend. I care about him. But no more bullshit. I’m not about to tiptoe or do jumping jacks in order for him to treat me with care. He’s gonna have to do that on his own, or I’ll just care about him from a distance…
I actually feel much better now that I have told my friend how I feel about things. He probably won’t change. It’s OK. I probably won’t change either, not in the ways he wants me to. It’s all right. Sometimes you make a decision just to love someone, regardless of their lesser qualities. It doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to abuse or maltreatment, though. You can love from a distance. You can love with boundaries. Or you can get all caught up in the craziness of someone else and go on the crazy ride with them.
I’m not into crazy anymore. Can You believe it, God? Wow. This is a milestone for me. I can love hurtful people without being hurt by them, AND I can choose not to be hurtful AND I can choose to give my heart and my trust to others who have also chosen not to be hurtful? I might just be ready to be courted after all…
I think of my dead friend, who was always kind to me and Loved me unconditionally. I think of my writing coach/best friend, who calls me every day to make sure I am getting my writing done and doing things in support of my progress. I think of My People, an innocent being on a mission to uplift the world. I think of all of the men who have been good to me and who have shown me that men can be good. They have shown me that men don’t have to be hurtful and that men can be mature and thoughtful and kind and that men can allow women to be free and yet still protect us. They have taught me how to communicate without manipulation. They have taught me how to be honest about my feelings without trying to hurt people. They have taught me how to truly forgive, and mostly, they have taught me how to recognize a person’s character traits – women don’t think about these things. Character traits are real… Men have taught me the importance of showing care to the people you care about. They have taught me about boundaries – men are good with boundaries. They have taught me how to say no when it’s time to say no, and they have taught me how to say yes and let love in.
I can honestly say, that for all the assholes I’ve known, for all of the fuckery that I’ve experienced at the hands of men, the beautiful giants of men that I have known, the amazing friends that journey this life with me, have made up for the pain. They have paid off everyone else’s debts by their kindness and Love for me. And they have taught me how to stand up as a woman and demand that men either treat me right or get out of my inner circle. And this notion comes to mind: If I actually demanded that men act right in order to be around me, then I wouldn’t be alone, like I have always feared I would be. On the contrary, I would be surrounded by people who actually treat me with respect and kindness, people who are mature enough to want to create loving relationships. What a notion…
I did a good thing, God. For the first time (maybe ever), I took my emotional health seriously. I took my progress seriously. I told mean people how they must treat me in order to be in my presence and I didn’t even have to be mean to them. Go figure… I think I can actually do some work on my script now. My emotions are stabilized… Thank You so much, Allah. Thank you so much.
Day 431
Emotions (And Men)
Hi there. I’m sitting at home, writing with my eyes closed… I need to get a new ergonomic keyboard. Mine broke. I’ve been listening to a song called “Another Love Song” today. It’s by a friend of a friend of mine, but they haven’t released it yet.
It’s has a beautiful lullaby-type melody, and part of the chorus is, “I’m gonna sing another love song for you/ Till the day you find your way home.”
I know my posts make me sound slightly schizophrenic. I’m up one day and down the next. And I know I’m slightly strange and unusual. I don’t care, though. I am OK with being human and expressing the full spectrum of my experiences…
So, I listened to this song today, “Another Love Song”, and it did something to me. You see, whoever wrote that song had to feel it first. She had to think about something that she had either imagined or experienced. And it was so pure and innocent. An innocent love. Two people finding their way home to each other’s hearts.
And I am thinking about Love. I’m thinking about all of my experiences. I’m thinking about the experiences of so many people who I know. I’m thinking about neighbor, who wants to come and stay with me, not because he has nowhere to stay, but because he wants to come and stay with me, because he thinks it’s possible that we can be more than friends if only… if only… I’m thinking of the guy who’s been trying to date me lately. A sweetheart who is in pain. He’s ending a relationship because – well, because he doesn’t really like the lady and he’s not in love with her. But he doesn’t want to be lonely and he’s afraid that he won’t meet someone who likes him as much as his girlfriend likes him.
And I’m thinking about My People, particularly because our relationship has always been nothing but innocent and I have always felt at home with him. I am knowing that I need to change the relationship dynamics with my neighbor and this new guy pronto: There is something untrue lurking. They want things that I will never give them, and yet they are around hoping that I will change my mind. And it gives me guilt. And although they are willing to give me things that My People is not willing to give me right now, I can not sing “Another Love Song” to them. My heart doesn’t open for them. And I don’t feel at home with them. And something deep within me knows that although they are nice and we get along, I am not safe in their arms.
You know, something in us always knows what the Truth is. Sometimes we get so disconnected and caught up that we can’t feel our compass anymore, but if we keep seeking the Truth, we will find it soon enough.
I miss My People. But more than missing him, I miss the innocent tone that I was creating in my life. I miss the pure love that was brewing in my soul. I miss the feeling of totally wanting to Love someone only because it would delight me to Love him. I miss knowing that there would be no tricks, no pulling of strings, no bullying, no betrayals and no secrets with another being. I miss knowing that I could possibly be with a man and there would be no stifling of my dreams or no cordoning of my freedom.
The untrue things will make you forget. They will make you forget your dreams. They will make you forget what is possible. They will cloud your judgement and disconnect you from the sound of your heart. They will fill you with fear and make you forget who you are.
I am alone in my bedroom-turned-office, but I am surprisingly not afraid. I am glad to have the space to hear my own thoughts. And I see, Lord, that You write the most beautiful stories. Here in the sanctity of the one place I call home, I will begin to craft my life anew, with Integrity, Love and Truth. And Strength. And Courage. And Faith.. It’s OK to be on your own sometimes. Sometimes you need to look yourself in the mirror – with no distractions or excuses – and see what you have made of this life. See what you have made of yourself. See what you are making.
And if you don’t like who you are so far, then become someone you like. Start over. Say sorry. Make amends and move on. It’s OK to be different today than you were yesterday. It’s called growth.
At some point, you will hear another love song and you will be able to feel the words. You will remember the innocence and the purity of your true, undefiled Self. And you will want, more than anything, to be a part of something good and true. And once you want to be a part of something good, well, the melody begins. You become hungry for Love. You become hungry for Truth. You long to make your life into something that you want to be a part of it and, no matter how long it takes, you will not stop until you find your way home.
Here’s to Love songs! May we keep singing…
Ameen
Day 430
Another Love Song
So… I wrote my lovely blog entry yesterday… And then the night fell. And I became afraid. I spent the night at my neighbor’s house because I didn’t want to be alone.
I was so afraid. But it doesn’t end there. I fell asleep at his place and now I am back in my own place. It’s 8:49am… Last night, someone made me an offer that I can’t refuse. This Angel, I will call her, offered to sponsor me for the next two months while I get to the business of creating my dream life. Yes. Pay my rent and bills. Pay for my food. Allow me to live in Los Angeles and all I have to do is focus on completing my projects and getting them made, focus on continuing to get my health right, and just everything that needs to be done to clean up the mess of my past and get my present and future in order… I get to live in my own apartment by myself. I get to have my car… This Angel made me this offer and I freaked out. Wow. So much fear came to me. This is such a big deal. Someone believes in me. It’s a lot of money to live in LA. Someone is going to make that kind of sacrifice for me. It means I can’t fail.
Now, before you get to judging me, I need to tell you that I’ve failed before. It has been seven years and I am amazed at how life has come full circle. Seven years ago, right around this time of the year, I created a similar opportunity for myself. I worked a really good job and saved a bunch of money. Then I quit and spent Nov to March completing my first screenplay. I came out to Cali in March/April and hit the ground running: I stayed in the living room of an apartment with these awesome young women so that I could save money. I got a monthly bus pass and took the bus and train everywhere. I had a daily food budget and I ate three healthy meals a day. I was praying religiously every day and doing yoga for an hour every single day. I joined a dance group and went to their classes twice a week. I worked for hours on my project every single day. And when I finished my script, I started pitching it. Just went for it. And miracles happened. I met with executives that people would think I could never access. They had conversations with me! Like, I was in fancy Hollywood studios talking to people about my script!!! I got a job working on a project on the Disney lot. For the first couple of months, I had decided not to date men in any form or fashion so that I could focus on my work and focus on myself. And it was awesome! Then, after I finished completing my script and started pitching it, and after I had gotten a job, I opened the door to dating again. And I met some of the coolest men that I had ever met up until that point in my life.
I picked a really fabulous man who I had met online. He was just about as fine as they come. Tall, perfect body, white straight perfect smile, muscles… He was an artist and he was also wealthy. He had businesses that were making passive income for him. He helped kids out and did charity work. And we had compatible religious beliefs and world views. And he was a sweetheart… Thinking of him now, it’s hard to imagine that we didn’t make it. When people would see us together, they would always comment on what a beautiful couple we were.
He lived in another state, and so we had a long distance relationship, but we would visit each other at least twice a month. I thought he was my soulmate and at the time I would have married him immediately. Our connection was so deep. But somewhere along the way, fear got in the way. He told me a secret about himself that would have really affected our relationship. I listened and I accepted his secret. I was willing to deal with it. But he didn’t believe me. He started behaving very defensively. If I didn’t answer his phone calls, he would think I was busy dating someone else. Our relationship started becoming strained. One day, while I was working my job on the Disney lot, I saw a celebrity in the courtyard. This man flirted with me, and I was so excited, I called my boo and told him how I had just met a celebrity. My boo got mad and told me that if I didn’t want to be with him, I could go ahead and be with the celebrity. He told me his life was boring and maybe I needed to be with a celebrity. And he hung up the phone on my face! -_-
At some point, I recognized that our relationship wasn’t going to work if we weren’t in the same place. He was scared that I was going to leave him for some fancy Hollywood guy, and to be honest, I was kind of scared, too… He was jealous of my life. Well, maybe not jealous, but he felt bad about my success. He felt like if I was successful, I would think he was boring and I would leave him, and so I couldn’t share my successes with him. He wasn’t excited about them. He had so much fear… By this time, he had proposed to me. Got a beautiful engagement ring and everything. Sent me a pic of the ring, and then when we got into an argument, he took the ring back. Things were becoming a bit dysfunctional between us, but still, I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world, and so I made an effort to save our relationship. I stopped my Hollywood life. Yep. Stopped. I told him I wanted to be with him, in the same space, and we agreed that I would move in with him.
I would quit my job and come live with him. I would work on my script some more (none of the people I had met with had made me an offer, so I was going to write a better draft), and after three months of working my script, we would get married, come back to LA, and hit the ground running. I would be a writer and he would do his artist thing. It sounded like a wonderfully romantic plan.
So I quit. I quit my job. I sold my car. By that time, I was in my own apartment, and I let my apartment go. Sold and gave away all my furniture. I used to have a beautiful dining room table with tile pieces in it. Sold it for $80. All I had left in the world were two suitcases, and I packed those on a Greyhound bus so I could go and be with my man!
And when I got to his house in that state up north, everything was different than it had been when I used to come visit him. I’ve never told anyone what really happened between the two of us. So much happened. I guess it’s time that I deal with it. By the way, the guy that I’m writing about is He Who Came Before. He is the one who came before this blog, before I started crying every day. Our relationship was the straw that broke everything.
I won’t write too much about it, but it’s important to me, because my life has come full circle and I fucked it up the last time I had an opportunity to go for my dreams. I was funding my previous opportunity, but now I have other people’s hands mixed up in my destiny. They are counting on me to succeed, and I can’t eff it up by skipping states and running off with some man. And I am afraid that I’m gonna eff it up, so I need to deal with this before it deals with me. I need to find the root of my fear and let it go.
The first thing that happened with He Who Came Before was the groceries. Previously, when I would come visit him, the first thing we would do, even before we went to his house, was go to the grocery store. He would tell me to pick out everything that I wanted to eat and then he would buy it. We would take it to his place, and I would cook it while I was visiting him. But when I moved in, things were different. He was cold and standoffish. We didn’t stop at the grocery store. Instead, he left home the next morning (without telling me) and called me while he was out. He asked me if I wanted him to buy some stuff so I could cook for lunch and I said OK. So he bought some spaghetti ingredients. But they were not the brand/type of ingredients I eat. When I complained to him about it, he made a comment that I should be thankful that he’s buying me food. Gasp!
Then (and this one set the tone for our whole interaction), the next day, I was on my computer doing some writing. He came to me and complained about how I hadn’t spent much time with him since I arrived. He then told me that he figured, since I was going to be staying with him, he didn’t need a maid anymore. He used to have a maid. He said he was going to fire his maid and began to tell me about all the places that I would need to clean on a daily basis. He said he would be giving me a small, below minimum wage allowance while I was with him… Furthermore, there were certain books and videos that he felt I needed to watch and read in order to elevate my consciousness. I would need to read and/or watch them on a regular basis. We argued about all of this.
Of course I didn’t just do what he said immediately. But eventually, I did. I spent my days watching the videos and reading the books he suggested, cooking the food that I didn’t like cooking (because it was cheaper than the brands I liked), cleaning up, and hanging with He Who Came Before. I did very little writing. I stopped talking to most of my friends because he said they were jealous of me and they were trying to destroy our relationship. I became distant from my family because they were asking too many questions and all of the answers were embarrassing. I felt trapped in a strange town with no one but him. Sometimes he was nice, but it was half and half. One day, we would have a great day together, and then the next day, he would poke at me for any little thing: the clothes I wore, who I was talking to, what I was thinking… And so we fought. About spaghetti ingredients and things of that sort. And I stopped trusting him. We would have an argument and then he would go run off and spend time with his women friends (all of whom he had slept with at one time or another).
Three months had passed and we hadn’t made any plans to move back to Los Angeles. In fact, He Who Came Before was talking about buying new furniture for his house and had just told me about his nine month plan to introduce me to his family before we get married. We got into one last fight – this one was really heated. We were arguing about whether or not I could live under the same roof with him (in his six bedroom house) if I didn’t have sex with him. I said I could, but he said I couldn’t. Haha. So we agreed to disagree. As he huffed and puffed around the house, clenching his fists and yelling about all of the things he wasn’t gonna do, I quietly locked the bedroom door. I called my sister and asked her if she would get me a ticket out of there, and the next day, I packed my bags and got on a Greyhound bus to LA…
I realized that I had willingly participated in the destruction of my life and the loss of my self-identity.
And here we are today. I have spent years fumbling and fumbling and trying to mend my broken heart and trying to get my mind right and trying to get my life right. And so many other things have happened since He Who Came Before. And I almost died. Do you understand what that means? Do you understand what it is to not be able to walk when you want to walk? Or to think certain ideas and not have them come out of your mouth right, but to come out as a stutter or a slur instead? Do you understand what it is to be worried about your health and to not even know what is wrong with you and so not even know what to do to get better? Do you know what it feels like to love someone and know that they don’t even see who you are, and you are just a tool for them?
A lot has happened since I met He Who Came Before, and most of it has been hard, and painful and ugly. And most of it was all my fault. Nobody forced me to make any of the decisions that I made. I chose where to live. I chose who to live with. I chose where to work and who to befriend. I chose what to do with my money. I chose to ignore my feelings and cater to different people. I chose to be a tool and everything else. I chose to play low so other people wouldn’t feel bad…. And this is a long blog. I think I won’t edit it and I’ll just leave it as it is. Sometimes there’s a lot of shit to get off your chest before you move on.
You are giving me an opportunity to move on, God, but I have to get this off my chest. I know that if I shut myself off from the world and don’t have any close personal relationships, I can do really well in my career. But I want close personal relationships and I want a balanced life. And I’m afraid that I’m gonna fuck up this once in a lifetime opportunity. This is my dream opportunity, but I had something similar before and I messed it up. And I’m not so young anymore. Old bones don’t move like they used to.
I’m writing because I don’t want to mess up this time. You say that I am a grown-up now and I won’t make the same mistakes of the past. You say that I have learned a lot and all that I have been through, I have gone through because my soul needed to go through it. You say that I am still pure and Divine. You say that you will be with me every step of the way, and I will see how golden life can be. You say that the men won’t hurt me anymore. I know how to pick what’s good for me now. You say that my family only loves and adores me and they will support me every step of the way. You say that I am not alone here, even though my path is singular. You say that strength is not a bad word and I am stronger than I know. Strength does not mean that I will have to go through hard things in life. No. Not anymore. I have been through enough. Strength can now mean that I am strong enough to open again and believe again. You say that angels are on their way to protect me from the things I can not see, and there is no more heartbreak for me. You say that even my failure was a success and that a few years are nothing from the vantage point of eternity…
Wow… The anxiety is gone and I feel calm… My mom just called me and reminded of something I had told her when I was in Hawaii. I told her that I was gonna come out here and make my movies, and I had a plan and everything. My plan involved me making my movies! LOL. Not working a job, not hustling, but completely focusing on steps to actualize my dreams. And, God, I don’t know how or why You did it… I don’t know why You decided to save me, but you sent me an Angel that is willing to support the plans that I made. Thank you is not even enough… I don’t know how I’m going to get used to life working out for me, but I’m gonna try to get used to it, OK?
He Who Came Before did a good thing for me. He brought me to You. And all that has come before has also done a good thing for me. It has brought me to myself, and it has forced me to decide who I want that self to be. And I am becoming one of those women that I used to want to be: women of heart; women with love, passion and compassion; women with feminine strength; women who are comfortable in their own skin; women who are humble yet dignified; women who make men stand up straight around them; women who are not afraid to bring all of themselves to all of life… Women who have come to wake this world up.
I’m on my way, God, and in this moment, I am not afraid. Thank you so much for everything you have always done for me. I Love You. I Love You so much.
Day 429
He (And All) That Came Before
I am in love… No, it’s not a man. I am in love with my life. This moment… This is a very good moment. Let me capture it.
I’m at home. My apartment. The only place in the world that has my name on the lease. I’ve been away for six months, staying at other people’s homes in LA and Hawaii. It has been a lovely experience. I have had so many lovely experiences, Allah, and I am grateful for them all. The world is big and diverse and there are so many ways to live a life.
I have come to realize that I have more support than I thought I did, and I am humbled by the people who have taken me in, cooked for me, paid for my medical bills, given me pure innocent smiles, shared company and dinners with me, and even argued and fought with me to remind about the ups and down of being human. I feel lucky to have been able to peek into the private lives of so many and share in their journeys… And along the way, I started asking myself, “Where is my home?”
I didn’t have an answer when I landed in LA almost a month ago. But now I do. It is right here in this one-bedroom apartment in this city with the dusty sky and lonely people. It is right across the street from my eclectic neighbor and his protective presence. It is fifteen minutes away from my sister and her sweet heart. It is just a drive away from my guarded brother and his desire to be understood. It is nearby so many friends who are chasing their own dreams and fighting their own demons. In my home, there are windows everywhere. Birds chirp all day long. They are different than the birds in Hawaii. They chatter fast, unlike the Hawaii birds whose chirps sound more like whistles…
This is apartment is not the most luxurious place I’ve been in the past six months. It’s not in the cleanest city and I don’t have all of the amenities that I’ve had while living with other people. But it’s mine. That means that I get to decorate it how I want. I get to unpack my things finally and put them in their designated places. I can pray like I like, without disturbance. I can cook and eat the foods I like… I can sing to my walls and sage them down whenever I please. And I can have company over, whoever I want whenever I want. Here, I can stay up late at night and work on projects. I can walk around naked if I please. I can cry as loud as I want or laugh as big as I feel. I can create here…
I know that Los Angeles will not be my stopping point. Eventually I’m going to have to go somewhere where the skies are actually blue and the oceans are healing. But for now, I have a sanctuary where I can begin again. I have a sanctuary that I can create in. I am so excited! This is the beginning of a new life for me. I am in the same old place with the same old people in my life, but everything is different.
There is so much Love and compassion in me. There is so much forgiveness… And the fears? Well they just don’t run me anymore…
Today I saw two people in a vision: My dad and my friend who just recently passed away. They were happy for me. They said that I was doing good. I was on the right path. They were happy that I was in my own space again and they were happy about the thoughts that I’ve been having and the actions I’ve been taking…
I want to be quiet and just say thank you, God. What I want to remember about this day, what I want to document is the hope that is in me. I’m not worried about anything. It is as if I have finally found You, God. We finally have a relationship. I finally trust You. I finally know that You will not hurt me. You have brought me back home, better than I was when I left. I can walk up my stairs and not even think about pain now. And my heart doesn’t hurt anymore. And even though I know I need money, I recognize that I what I need more than money is to be about the business of fulfilling my destiny on Earth. I even know that I will make more money than ever once I begin fully doing the work that You have called me to do. I know these things now, and so I’m not desperate. I’m not going to take any job just for the sake of having a job. I can even see the rat race trap a mile away. I understand that there are activities and relationships that move one forward, and there are activities and relationships that move one backwards and keep one stuck in place… I understand the difference between all of this…
And the biggest revelation of all? I understand that home has nothing to do with this apartment. No. This is apartment is just the physical space that I call home for now. I understand the possibilities are limitless. I know that sounds like fantasy coming from a girl with no job who live in LA, but I look forward to demonstrating that this is no fantasy. My life is changing in miraculous ways. Opportunities are reaching towards me and I am reaching towards them in synchronicity. I am at home in my own skin. I am at home in my own mind… And it doesn’t matter where I live. I will always be at home from now on.
Lord, let me do a good thing – a great thing – with this new lease on life You have granted me. Let me help lift up the world. Let me be Your servant. Oh, it feels so good to be able to live! Let me know the deep and beautiful things about life that I have only imagined. I look forward to this next chapter… Ameen.
Day 428
On Coming Home
