OK. This is my last attempt at posting a blog for the day. I have been trying to post a blog for the past two weeks, but always end up deleting everything I write.
I have fifty minutes of battery life left on my computer. I’m at Panera Bread and I am going to share something with the world. It may not be good, because I’ve been struggling for the past couple of weeks, but it will be from my heart.
My heart has been hurting. I am so sensitive. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive, but I know it comes with the territory. There are so many good things that come from me being sensitive. I’m an excellent teacher and I’m good at a lot of leadership positions because I notice things that others don’t notice, but that down side of that is that I’m affected deeply by so many things that others just let slide…
My neighbor took his airbed away from me. And it broke my heart. I know. Such a little thing, but it wasn’t. I had told him he couldn’t come and stay with me for a weekend, and the same day I told him he couldn’t stay with me, he came to my apartment and took his airbed, which he had let me borrow, without telling me he was going to take it. When I asked him why he took it, he responded by telling me “look at your situation. You have everything you need.” Afterwards, when we had a long talk about the situation, he said he didn’t know that I needed the airbed, even though I had specifically asked him to leave his airbed and blankets with me because I didn’t want to sleep on my bed and I had thrown away my blankets. He said he forgot that I said that. He was supposed to come in my house and get anther one of his items, and he took his airbed when I wasn’t there. I stopped talking to him after the incident, and then, a few days ago, he called me to talk about the situation.
He continued to say that he didn’t know I needed the bed and asked me to forgive him and be his “sister” and love him. He said that he missed me and that he didn’t want to go another day without me being in his life. And if I was a normal person, I wouldn’t be heartbroken about an airbed. I wouldn’t be heartbroken about someone lying about why they took an air bed. But I am not a normal person. : /
I think God has played some kind of horrible trick on me, but maybe it’s the only thing that would have worked with a stubborn head like me. I can’t do normal people stuff anymore. Like, literally, I think I cried for two days over this airbed situation. I don’t have unlimited stores of energy anymore, so I can work a regular job and then come home and do another job, so it means I have to be clear about whether I’m going to go for my dream or get another job, because I just can’t do both. And if I don’t pray or go out to nature, I start hyperventilating and can’t function straight. And I need so much help with things and my energy is so limited, that I really can’t hang with people who are only taking and not giving.
It is like I have no choice but to live a good life and surround myself with good people. And I’m laughing at myself, because this is what it took, huh God?
There is a cute little boy sitting by me. He just waved hi to me… lol. I kind of love the little kids…
I have backed myself into a corner, and I’m glad. If this is what it took, then so be it. I have to be around nice people, or I get sick. That’s OK. I have to choose how to spend my time, because I have energy limits. That’s OK. Because of my health, I am forced to be intentional about everything.
And I think I have to thank You, God. Thank You. This is the way out of the ocean. You have to be intentional, and you’ve got to back up your intentions with action. I wasn’t able to do it when I was well. I hung out with abusive dudes who didn’t give a shit about me, I wasted time doing jobs that had nothing to do with my dreams, just caught up in survival mode. I spent so much time starting and putting out fires that I didn’t really have the bandwidth to think about creating a life by design.
But now, in the stillness of this part of my life, I must create a life by design or else I will die. Lol. It’s that serious.
– Look at your life. Look at the areas that are out of alignment with the intention that you have set, and correct them. This is the way forward. Align, align, align. You asked to move forward, didn’t you? Don’t you see that this is the first forward movement you have had in years? All movement is not forward movement. Can’t you see that you are graduating? And it is not the world that has changed. It is you who has changed. It is you who has set an intention to Love and be Loved. It is you who has set an intention for truth. It is you who has set an intention to deliver your gifts and talents to the world while you still can. It is you who has set an intention to be the best that you can be… And it takes time to break habits and form new ones.
But we have given you this gift of sensitivity, so that you may stay on track and not waver too far from who you are. We are glad that you are glad. We are glad that you see what it took. When you learn to Love yourself, you will not need so much structure. You are becoming yourself, my dear. And this is what it took…
Ameen.
Day 433
What It Takes (The Sensitive Ones)
Dear One,
You are at another crossroads. You have lived many lives, but this you have never known. The beginning. The place of no obligation and all support. It is not what you imagined.
Here, there is much responsibility. There is no one to blame, for everything you need is given to you, and you have managed to free yourself of all that has held you down for so long.
My Love, do not fear. You are enough. Hear my words. You are enough. You are enough. You are enough.
Do not underestimate the work you have done. Do not underestimate your preparation for this here and now. You have done much and all of your suffering was not in vain. You have already arrived at the place of mastery on so many levels. You have learned the greatest lessons of all: Love, Faith, Forgiveness, and Courage.
Do not be afraid, Dear One. I know the pressure is much. Your failure or success will be determined only by your choices. And there will be discomfort. And there will be opportunities to make a statement about who you are and who you wish to be. And there will be hard truths that must be told.
But this is the journey you signed up for. This is the dream you have wanted all along.
You Are Enough.
Embrace this new perspective. Embrace the beautiful precipice that you stand upon. They will say it is not fair, but they do not know of the dark nights of your soul, nights that they could not have lived through. Do not compare yourself to them. Do not give in to guilt.
You have arrived. Stand up, my Love. I will sing to you. I will give you words and food to keep you strong. Stand up. I will send you angels and strength. You need but open up your arms. Let all that hangs you down fall away. Stand up, my Love.
Dare to know the Light that shines through you. Dare to be the fullness of your beautiful soul.
Stand up, My Love. The war is over and a new life calls your name.
The war is over.
And a new life calls your name…
Ameen
Day 432
Dear One
I am thinking of my friend who passed away recently… I am supposed to be working on my script, but I’m taking a moment to balance myself first. I’ve been doing a lot these past few days. Trying to live all of my film dreams and bring closure to every single thing in my life within the next month and a half.
There is so much… I’m making progress, but there is a long list of things to do. So much, that sometimes praying and meditating and taking care of one’s emotional health and exercising and eating right takes a back seat. The catch-22, though, at least for me, is that if I don’t do those things I will soon become sick and off-balance. So this is about me getting my emotions to a balanced state before I continue on with my day.
I’m super sensitive and my relationships with others (or lack thereof) really have a strong effect on me.
I told my neighbor he can’t come and stay with me, but I offered to give him some money just in case he couldn’t find another place where he could stay for free. He turned down my money offer. Then, he was supposed to come by and pick up some of his things from my apartment. I told him to let himself in, since I wasn’t home (he has a key). When I got home, I saw that he had taken the airbed that he had let me borrow. He was not supposed to take the airbed. He didn’t tell me he was taking the airbed… My feelings were hurt… Wow, we just had a text exchange about the airbed. Sigh… I had to let the tongue loose and tell him what I felt and thought. At least I didn’t curse him out or even threaten to curse him or even try to say anything mean or hurtful to him… He kept lying about stuff, acting like he didn’t do certain stuff on purpose. I cornered him and finally got him to tell the truth about some things… He wants to meet up and talk, but I don’t want to meet up and talk. There’s nothing to talk about. I forgive him. Whatever. He will still be an ass unless I call him out on his ass-hole-ness and make him treat me right. Great. He will be nice to me if I make him: if I stand up to his bullying, if I call him out on his lies, if I force him to communicate his feelings, if I let him know every time I feel like he’s doing some passive-aggressive vindictive stuff (which is about once a week), if I answer his phone calls and respond to his texts pronto… Sigh. That’s a lot of work to be done in order for someone to be nice to you.
I know that his feelings will really be hurt if I decide not to be his friend anymore. I’ll still be his friend. I care about him. But no more bullshit. I’m not about to tiptoe or do jumping jacks in order for him to treat me with care. He’s gonna have to do that on his own, or I’ll just care about him from a distance…
I actually feel much better now that I have told my friend how I feel about things. He probably won’t change. It’s OK. I probably won’t change either, not in the ways he wants me to. It’s all right. Sometimes you make a decision just to love someone, regardless of their lesser qualities. It doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to abuse or maltreatment, though. You can love from a distance. You can love with boundaries. Or you can get all caught up in the craziness of someone else and go on the crazy ride with them.
I’m not into crazy anymore. Can You believe it, God? Wow. This is a milestone for me. I can love hurtful people without being hurt by them, AND I can choose not to be hurtful AND I can choose to give my heart and my trust to others who have also chosen not to be hurtful? I might just be ready to be courted after all…
I think of my dead friend, who was always kind to me and Loved me unconditionally. I think of my writing coach/best friend, who calls me every day to make sure I am getting my writing done and doing things in support of my progress. I think of My People, an innocent being on a mission to uplift the world. I think of all of the men who have been good to me and who have shown me that men can be good. They have shown me that men don’t have to be hurtful and that men can be mature and thoughtful and kind and that men can allow women to be free and yet still protect us. They have taught me how to communicate without manipulation. They have taught me how to be honest about my feelings without trying to hurt people. They have taught me how to truly forgive, and mostly, they have taught me how to recognize a person’s character traits – women don’t think about these things. Character traits are real… Men have taught me the importance of showing care to the people you care about. They have taught me about boundaries – men are good with boundaries. They have taught me how to say no when it’s time to say no, and they have taught me how to say yes and let love in.
I can honestly say, that for all the assholes I’ve known, for all of the fuckery that I’ve experienced at the hands of men, the beautiful giants of men that I have known, the amazing friends that journey this life with me, have made up for the pain. They have paid off everyone else’s debts by their kindness and Love for me. And they have taught me how to stand up as a woman and demand that men either treat me right or get out of my inner circle. And this notion comes to mind: If I actually demanded that men act right in order to be around me, then I wouldn’t be alone, like I have always feared I would be. On the contrary, I would be surrounded by people who actually treat me with respect and kindness, people who are mature enough to want to create loving relationships. What a notion…
I did a good thing, God. For the first time (maybe ever), I took my emotional health seriously. I took my progress seriously. I told mean people how they must treat me in order to be in my presence and I didn’t even have to be mean to them. Go figure… I think I can actually do some work on my script now. My emotions are stabilized… Thank You so much, Allah. Thank you so much.
Day 431
Emotions (And Men)
Hi there. I’m sitting at home, writing with my eyes closed… I need to get a new ergonomic keyboard. Mine broke. I’ve been listening to a song called “Another Love Song” today. It’s by a friend of a friend of mine, but they haven’t released it yet.
It’s has a beautiful lullaby-type melody, and part of the chorus is, “I’m gonna sing another love song for you/ Till the day you find your way home.”
I know my posts make me sound slightly schizophrenic. I’m up one day and down the next. And I know I’m slightly strange and unusual. I don’t care, though. I am OK with being human and expressing the full spectrum of my experiences…
So, I listened to this song today, “Another Love Song”, and it did something to me. You see, whoever wrote that song had to feel it first. She had to think about something that she had either imagined or experienced. And it was so pure and innocent. An innocent love. Two people finding their way home to each other’s hearts.
And I am thinking about Love. I’m thinking about all of my experiences. I’m thinking about the experiences of so many people who I know. I’m thinking about neighbor, who wants to come and stay with me, not because he has nowhere to stay, but because he wants to come and stay with me, because he thinks it’s possible that we can be more than friends if only… if only… I’m thinking of the guy who’s been trying to date me lately. A sweetheart who is in pain. He’s ending a relationship because – well, because he doesn’t really like the lady and he’s not in love with her. But he doesn’t want to be lonely and he’s afraid that he won’t meet someone who likes him as much as his girlfriend likes him.
And I’m thinking about My People, particularly because our relationship has always been nothing but innocent and I have always felt at home with him. I am knowing that I need to change the relationship dynamics with my neighbor and this new guy pronto: There is something untrue lurking. They want things that I will never give them, and yet they are around hoping that I will change my mind. And it gives me guilt. And although they are willing to give me things that My People is not willing to give me right now, I can not sing “Another Love Song” to them. My heart doesn’t open for them. And I don’t feel at home with them. And something deep within me knows that although they are nice and we get along, I am not safe in their arms.
You know, something in us always knows what the Truth is. Sometimes we get so disconnected and caught up that we can’t feel our compass anymore, but if we keep seeking the Truth, we will find it soon enough.
I miss My People. But more than missing him, I miss the innocent tone that I was creating in my life. I miss the pure love that was brewing in my soul. I miss the feeling of totally wanting to Love someone only because it would delight me to Love him. I miss knowing that there would be no tricks, no pulling of strings, no bullying, no betrayals and no secrets with another being. I miss knowing that I could possibly be with a man and there would be no stifling of my dreams or no cordoning of my freedom.
The untrue things will make you forget. They will make you forget your dreams. They will make you forget what is possible. They will cloud your judgement and disconnect you from the sound of your heart. They will fill you with fear and make you forget who you are.
I am alone in my bedroom-turned-office, but I am surprisingly not afraid. I am glad to have the space to hear my own thoughts. And I see, Lord, that You write the most beautiful stories. Here in the sanctity of the one place I call home, I will begin to craft my life anew, with Integrity, Love and Truth. And Strength. And Courage. And Faith.. It’s OK to be on your own sometimes. Sometimes you need to look yourself in the mirror – with no distractions or excuses – and see what you have made of this life. See what you have made of yourself. See what you are making.
And if you don’t like who you are so far, then become someone you like. Start over. Say sorry. Make amends and move on. It’s OK to be different today than you were yesterday. It’s called growth.
At some point, you will hear another love song and you will be able to feel the words. You will remember the innocence and the purity of your true, undefiled Self. And you will want, more than anything, to be a part of something good and true. And once you want to be a part of something good, well, the melody begins. You become hungry for Love. You become hungry for Truth. You long to make your life into something that you want to be a part of it and, no matter how long it takes, you will not stop until you find your way home.
Here’s to Love songs! May we keep singing…
Ameen
Day 430
Another Love Song
So… I wrote my lovely blog entry yesterday… And then the night fell. And I became afraid. I spent the night at my neighbor’s house because I didn’t want to be alone.
I was so afraid. But it doesn’t end there. I fell asleep at his place and now I am back in my own place. It’s 8:49am… Last night, someone made me an offer that I can’t refuse. This Angel, I will call her, offered to sponsor me for the next two months while I get to the business of creating my dream life. Yes. Pay my rent and bills. Pay for my food. Allow me to live in Los Angeles and all I have to do is focus on completing my projects and getting them made, focus on continuing to get my health right, and just everything that needs to be done to clean up the mess of my past and get my present and future in order… I get to live in my own apartment by myself. I get to have my car… This Angel made me this offer and I freaked out. Wow. So much fear came to me. This is such a big deal. Someone believes in me. It’s a lot of money to live in LA. Someone is going to make that kind of sacrifice for me. It means I can’t fail.
Now, before you get to judging me, I need to tell you that I’ve failed before. It has been seven years and I am amazed at how life has come full circle. Seven years ago, right around this time of the year, I created a similar opportunity for myself. I worked a really good job and saved a bunch of money. Then I quit and spent Nov to March completing my first screenplay. I came out to Cali in March/April and hit the ground running: I stayed in the living room of an apartment with these awesome young women so that I could save money. I got a monthly bus pass and took the bus and train everywhere. I had a daily food budget and I ate three healthy meals a day. I was praying religiously every day and doing yoga for an hour every single day. I joined a dance group and went to their classes twice a week. I worked for hours on my project every single day. And when I finished my script, I started pitching it. Just went for it. And miracles happened. I met with executives that people would think I could never access. They had conversations with me! Like, I was in fancy Hollywood studios talking to people about my script!!! I got a job working on a project on the Disney lot. For the first couple of months, I had decided not to date men in any form or fashion so that I could focus on my work and focus on myself. And it was awesome! Then, after I finished completing my script and started pitching it, and after I had gotten a job, I opened the door to dating again. And I met some of the coolest men that I had ever met up until that point in my life.
I picked a really fabulous man who I had met online. He was just about as fine as they come. Tall, perfect body, white straight perfect smile, muscles… He was an artist and he was also wealthy. He had businesses that were making passive income for him. He helped kids out and did charity work. And we had compatible religious beliefs and world views. And he was a sweetheart… Thinking of him now, it’s hard to imagine that we didn’t make it. When people would see us together, they would always comment on what a beautiful couple we were.
He lived in another state, and so we had a long distance relationship, but we would visit each other at least twice a month. I thought he was my soulmate and at the time I would have married him immediately. Our connection was so deep. But somewhere along the way, fear got in the way. He told me a secret about himself that would have really affected our relationship. I listened and I accepted his secret. I was willing to deal with it. But he didn’t believe me. He started behaving very defensively. If I didn’t answer his phone calls, he would think I was busy dating someone else. Our relationship started becoming strained. One day, while I was working my job on the Disney lot, I saw a celebrity in the courtyard. This man flirted with me, and I was so excited, I called my boo and told him how I had just met a celebrity. My boo got mad and told me that if I didn’t want to be with him, I could go ahead and be with the celebrity. He told me his life was boring and maybe I needed to be with a celebrity. And he hung up the phone on my face! -_-
At some point, I recognized that our relationship wasn’t going to work if we weren’t in the same place. He was scared that I was going to leave him for some fancy Hollywood guy, and to be honest, I was kind of scared, too… He was jealous of my life. Well, maybe not jealous, but he felt bad about my success. He felt like if I was successful, I would think he was boring and I would leave him, and so I couldn’t share my successes with him. He wasn’t excited about them. He had so much fear… By this time, he had proposed to me. Got a beautiful engagement ring and everything. Sent me a pic of the ring, and then when we got into an argument, he took the ring back. Things were becoming a bit dysfunctional between us, but still, I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world, and so I made an effort to save our relationship. I stopped my Hollywood life. Yep. Stopped. I told him I wanted to be with him, in the same space, and we agreed that I would move in with him.
I would quit my job and come live with him. I would work on my script some more (none of the people I had met with had made me an offer, so I was going to write a better draft), and after three months of working my script, we would get married, come back to LA, and hit the ground running. I would be a writer and he would do his artist thing. It sounded like a wonderfully romantic plan.
So I quit. I quit my job. I sold my car. By that time, I was in my own apartment, and I let my apartment go. Sold and gave away all my furniture. I used to have a beautiful dining room table with tile pieces in it. Sold it for $80. All I had left in the world were two suitcases, and I packed those on a Greyhound bus so I could go and be with my man!
And when I got to his house in that state up north, everything was different than it had been when I used to come visit him. I’ve never told anyone what really happened between the two of us. So much happened. I guess it’s time that I deal with it. By the way, the guy that I’m writing about is He Who Came Before. He is the one who came before this blog, before I started crying every day. Our relationship was the straw that broke everything.
I won’t write too much about it, but it’s important to me, because my life has come full circle and I fucked it up the last time I had an opportunity to go for my dreams. I was funding my previous opportunity, but now I have other people’s hands mixed up in my destiny. They are counting on me to succeed, and I can’t eff it up by skipping states and running off with some man. And I am afraid that I’m gonna eff it up, so I need to deal with this before it deals with me. I need to find the root of my fear and let it go.
The first thing that happened with He Who Came Before was the groceries. Previously, when I would come visit him, the first thing we would do, even before we went to his house, was go to the grocery store. He would tell me to pick out everything that I wanted to eat and then he would buy it. We would take it to his place, and I would cook it while I was visiting him. But when I moved in, things were different. He was cold and standoffish. We didn’t stop at the grocery store. Instead, he left home the next morning (without telling me) and called me while he was out. He asked me if I wanted him to buy some stuff so I could cook for lunch and I said OK. So he bought some spaghetti ingredients. But they were not the brand/type of ingredients I eat. When I complained to him about it, he made a comment that I should be thankful that he’s buying me food. Gasp!
Then (and this one set the tone for our whole interaction), the next day, I was on my computer doing some writing. He came to me and complained about how I hadn’t spent much time with him since I arrived. He then told me that he figured, since I was going to be staying with him, he didn’t need a maid anymore. He used to have a maid. He said he was going to fire his maid and began to tell me about all the places that I would need to clean on a daily basis. He said he would be giving me a small, below minimum wage allowance while I was with him… Furthermore, there were certain books and videos that he felt I needed to watch and read in order to elevate my consciousness. I would need to read and/or watch them on a regular basis. We argued about all of this.
Of course I didn’t just do what he said immediately. But eventually, I did. I spent my days watching the videos and reading the books he suggested, cooking the food that I didn’t like cooking (because it was cheaper than the brands I liked), cleaning up, and hanging with He Who Came Before. I did very little writing. I stopped talking to most of my friends because he said they were jealous of me and they were trying to destroy our relationship. I became distant from my family because they were asking too many questions and all of the answers were embarrassing. I felt trapped in a strange town with no one but him. Sometimes he was nice, but it was half and half. One day, we would have a great day together, and then the next day, he would poke at me for any little thing: the clothes I wore, who I was talking to, what I was thinking… And so we fought. About spaghetti ingredients and things of that sort. And I stopped trusting him. We would have an argument and then he would go run off and spend time with his women friends (all of whom he had slept with at one time or another).
Three months had passed and we hadn’t made any plans to move back to Los Angeles. In fact, He Who Came Before was talking about buying new furniture for his house and had just told me about his nine month plan to introduce me to his family before we get married. We got into one last fight – this one was really heated. We were arguing about whether or not I could live under the same roof with him (in his six bedroom house) if I didn’t have sex with him. I said I could, but he said I couldn’t. Haha. So we agreed to disagree. As he huffed and puffed around the house, clenching his fists and yelling about all of the things he wasn’t gonna do, I quietly locked the bedroom door. I called my sister and asked her if she would get me a ticket out of there, and the next day, I packed my bags and got on a Greyhound bus to LA…
I realized that I had willingly participated in the destruction of my life and the loss of my self-identity.
And here we are today. I have spent years fumbling and fumbling and trying to mend my broken heart and trying to get my mind right and trying to get my life right. And so many other things have happened since He Who Came Before. And I almost died. Do you understand what that means? Do you understand what it is to not be able to walk when you want to walk? Or to think certain ideas and not have them come out of your mouth right, but to come out as a stutter or a slur instead? Do you understand what it is to be worried about your health and to not even know what is wrong with you and so not even know what to do to get better? Do you know what it feels like to love someone and know that they don’t even see who you are, and you are just a tool for them?
A lot has happened since I met He Who Came Before, and most of it has been hard, and painful and ugly. And most of it was all my fault. Nobody forced me to make any of the decisions that I made. I chose where to live. I chose who to live with. I chose where to work and who to befriend. I chose what to do with my money. I chose to ignore my feelings and cater to different people. I chose to be a tool and everything else. I chose to play low so other people wouldn’t feel bad…. And this is a long blog. I think I won’t edit it and I’ll just leave it as it is. Sometimes there’s a lot of shit to get off your chest before you move on.
You are giving me an opportunity to move on, God, but I have to get this off my chest. I know that if I shut myself off from the world and don’t have any close personal relationships, I can do really well in my career. But I want close personal relationships and I want a balanced life. And I’m afraid that I’m gonna fuck up this once in a lifetime opportunity. This is my dream opportunity, but I had something similar before and I messed it up. And I’m not so young anymore. Old bones don’t move like they used to.
I’m writing because I don’t want to mess up this time. You say that I am a grown-up now and I won’t make the same mistakes of the past. You say that I have learned a lot and all that I have been through, I have gone through because my soul needed to go through it. You say that I am still pure and Divine. You say that you will be with me every step of the way, and I will see how golden life can be. You say that the men won’t hurt me anymore. I know how to pick what’s good for me now. You say that my family only loves and adores me and they will support me every step of the way. You say that I am not alone here, even though my path is singular. You say that strength is not a bad word and I am stronger than I know. Strength does not mean that I will have to go through hard things in life. No. Not anymore. I have been through enough. Strength can now mean that I am strong enough to open again and believe again. You say that angels are on their way to protect me from the things I can not see, and there is no more heartbreak for me. You say that even my failure was a success and that a few years are nothing from the vantage point of eternity…
Wow… The anxiety is gone and I feel calm… My mom just called me and reminded of something I had told her when I was in Hawaii. I told her that I was gonna come out here and make my movies, and I had a plan and everything. My plan involved me making my movies! LOL. Not working a job, not hustling, but completely focusing on steps to actualize my dreams. And, God, I don’t know how or why You did it… I don’t know why You decided to save me, but you sent me an Angel that is willing to support the plans that I made. Thank you is not even enough… I don’t know how I’m going to get used to life working out for me, but I’m gonna try to get used to it, OK?
He Who Came Before did a good thing for me. He brought me to You. And all that has come before has also done a good thing for me. It has brought me to myself, and it has forced me to decide who I want that self to be. And I am becoming one of those women that I used to want to be: women of heart; women with love, passion and compassion; women with feminine strength; women who are comfortable in their own skin; women who are humble yet dignified; women who make men stand up straight around them; women who are not afraid to bring all of themselves to all of life… Women who have come to wake this world up.
I’m on my way, God, and in this moment, I am not afraid. Thank you so much for everything you have always done for me. I Love You. I Love You so much.
Day 429
He (And All) That Came Before
I am in love… No, it’s not a man. I am in love with my life. This moment… This is a very good moment. Let me capture it.
I’m at home. My apartment. The only place in the world that has my name on the lease. I’ve been away for six months, staying at other people’s homes in LA and Hawaii. It has been a lovely experience. I have had so many lovely experiences, Allah, and I am grateful for them all. The world is big and diverse and there are so many ways to live a life.
I have come to realize that I have more support than I thought I did, and I am humbled by the people who have taken me in, cooked for me, paid for my medical bills, given me pure innocent smiles, shared company and dinners with me, and even argued and fought with me to remind about the ups and down of being human. I feel lucky to have been able to peek into the private lives of so many and share in their journeys… And along the way, I started asking myself, “Where is my home?”
I didn’t have an answer when I landed in LA almost a month ago. But now I do. It is right here in this one-bedroom apartment in this city with the dusty sky and lonely people. It is right across the street from my eclectic neighbor and his protective presence. It is fifteen minutes away from my sister and her sweet heart. It is just a drive away from my guarded brother and his desire to be understood. It is nearby so many friends who are chasing their own dreams and fighting their own demons. In my home, there are windows everywhere. Birds chirp all day long. They are different than the birds in Hawaii. They chatter fast, unlike the Hawaii birds whose chirps sound more like whistles…
This is apartment is not the most luxurious place I’ve been in the past six months. It’s not in the cleanest city and I don’t have all of the amenities that I’ve had while living with other people. But it’s mine. That means that I get to decorate it how I want. I get to unpack my things finally and put them in their designated places. I can pray like I like, without disturbance. I can cook and eat the foods I like… I can sing to my walls and sage them down whenever I please. And I can have company over, whoever I want whenever I want. Here, I can stay up late at night and work on projects. I can walk around naked if I please. I can cry as loud as I want or laugh as big as I feel. I can create here…
I know that Los Angeles will not be my stopping point. Eventually I’m going to have to go somewhere where the skies are actually blue and the oceans are healing. But for now, I have a sanctuary where I can begin again. I have a sanctuary that I can create in. I am so excited! This is the beginning of a new life for me. I am in the same old place with the same old people in my life, but everything is different.
There is so much Love and compassion in me. There is so much forgiveness… And the fears? Well they just don’t run me anymore…
Today I saw two people in a vision: My dad and my friend who just recently passed away. They were happy for me. They said that I was doing good. I was on the right path. They were happy that I was in my own space again and they were happy about the thoughts that I’ve been having and the actions I’ve been taking…
I want to be quiet and just say thank you, God. What I want to remember about this day, what I want to document is the hope that is in me. I’m not worried about anything. It is as if I have finally found You, God. We finally have a relationship. I finally trust You. I finally know that You will not hurt me. You have brought me back home, better than I was when I left. I can walk up my stairs and not even think about pain now. And my heart doesn’t hurt anymore. And even though I know I need money, I recognize that I what I need more than money is to be about the business of fulfilling my destiny on Earth. I even know that I will make more money than ever once I begin fully doing the work that You have called me to do. I know these things now, and so I’m not desperate. I’m not going to take any job just for the sake of having a job. I can even see the rat race trap a mile away. I understand that there are activities and relationships that move one forward, and there are activities and relationships that move one backwards and keep one stuck in place… I understand the difference between all of this…
And the biggest revelation of all? I understand that home has nothing to do with this apartment. No. This is apartment is just the physical space that I call home for now. I understand the possibilities are limitless. I know that sounds like fantasy coming from a girl with no job who live in LA, but I look forward to demonstrating that this is no fantasy. My life is changing in miraculous ways. Opportunities are reaching towards me and I am reaching towards them in synchronicity. I am at home in my own skin. I am at home in my own mind… And it doesn’t matter where I live. I will always be at home from now on.
Lord, let me do a good thing – a great thing – with this new lease on life You have granted me. Let me help lift up the world. Let me be Your servant. Oh, it feels so good to be able to live! Let me know the deep and beautiful things about life that I have only imagined. I look forward to this next chapter… Ameen.
Day 428
On Coming Home
This is by far the most grown-up part of my life… And I want to write about strong things.
There has been a lot of fear in me these past weeks. There has been a lot of uncertainty. There has been a lot of doubt. The main questions have been, “What do I do next?” and “How do I go from here to there?”
My neighbor just woke up. Should I leave or try to do some work while he’s up? Leave, The Lord says… all right. to be continued…
I left. And it’s 24 hours later. What a day yesterday! What a day… A beautiful, wonderful day. I went to the park. The ocean had been getting to me. I had been drowning in this vast ocean that I call my life. My head had been hurting. Felt like gold sand was in there just seeping out of the space behind my eyes. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t take any forward action. And so I had to stop. This was not how I had planned for the week to go.
So I stopped. I went to the park. I read the Note To Self that I had written to myself earlier. I had written it right after deep prayer, right after a moment of clarity. It read, “Finish all that was in the past. Work on my real dreams this week. This week is what I have. Work on my real dreams. Get them all off of the ground. Get my debts/bills/past in order. Ameen. Get organized and prepare for a mighty, mighty, mighty blessing.” I’m glad I read that note, because my mind had been about to go to panic mode and start looking for jobs. But, see, I wasn’t supposed to do that this week. This week I was supposed to get everything in order and be done with all my preparations and things from the past. Writing portfolio should be done. Debts done. Unfinished projects done. Conversations had, so that next week I could start from ground zero, as if I came to Cali for the first time. This time, though, I would have a refined portfolio of work to show to people. This time I would be organized and have binders and have a schedule. This time, I wouldn’t have any crazy relationships with friends, family or lovers that were messing with my emotions. This time, I would have an apartment and a car and insurance and a good month of bills paid. This time there would be no weights from the past to hold me down. This time I would know how to nourish myself if the ocean seemed to be overwhelming me. I would know where to get food and fresh air and love and peace. This time I would be ready for the world.
I stopped yesterday and prayed. And it was hard because my mind and emotions were all over the place. But I sat down under my favorite tree in my neighborhood park. It’s a jacaranda tree. It looks like a scrawny little thing with small leaves, but once a year, it yields beautiful, soft, purple flowers for about a month. That time is coming soon. Oh, I can’t wait for spring! The flowers will bloom soon. They have been there all along, you know. Just like me.
The flowers have been here all along, waiting for the right time to blossom. And finally, this is the right time. I sat under the jacaranda tree yesterday and told myself that I was going to sit there until I felt some peace of mind. I was going to sit there until I was no longer afraid of the future. I was going to sit there until I believed that even know, at what appears to be the darkest time of my life, the highest possible results are automatically forthcoming. I was going to sit there until I believed that this is not the darkest time in my life. I was going to sit there until I believed that this is the best time in my life; until I believed that every time is the best time in my life. I was going to sit there until I could feel a spark of joy in me somewhere. I knew that there had to be some joy somewhere in me. I couldn’t continue with the grumpy, desperate attitude that had been plaguing me for almost a week. And so I sat. I prayed the prayers I learned as a child. I did the meditations that carried me through my grown-up years. I stretched, read my Oneness book, and tapped into some alchemy meditations. Finally, after about four hours, something in me shifted. I could see how wonderful it is to be in the active environment of Los Angeles at a time when I am taking action in my life. I could see how lucky I am to have so many friends and family members who are always there for me. I could see the possibility of abundance as an option for me. I could see the possibility of love… And then, guess what happened?
A hot, young dude came and sat by me. He had soft, supple looking skin. He was nervous, but I smiled at him and he relaxed a bit. He started chatting me up. He was from the same island that Dream Lover was from. I spoke to him in his island dialect and he responded to me… It was really nice. I asked the Lord if it was OK to be talking to him instead of praying and the Lord said that talking to him was praying. I intended to share myself with someone and receive the gift of his presence. And so we exchanged. At some point, we ended up singing to one another. He’s a musician. I sang him the one song I’ve ever written (I warned him in advance that I can’t sing) and he loved it. And I was reminded of how it felt to be at ease with a man. I was reminded of how it felt to be wanted. I was reminded of joy. We were having a joyful moment. An easy, beautiful joyful moment. The energy was free-flowing. There was no holding back. No resentments. No fear of abandonment. No fear. It was a beautiful moment of joy. Thank You for that, Allah.
I took the young dude’s number, but told him that I probably wouldn’t call. I’m holding out for my husband. And although me and young dude really had a blast, there were some things that he had said during our conversation that made me know he was not the one for me. He had done enough. He brought my smile back, and I think I gave him some hope… Thank you for beautiful moments.
Later yesterday evening, I was coming home from my writer’s group meeting. I was driving around looking for parking, and I saw a handsome man walking on the street. He had cool, artsy shoes and I noticed him. I went around the block and was jamming to some really upbeat music, dancing around in my car, and when I got to the stop light, I saw him watching me. He was just laughing up a storm. I laughed, too, and drove off. But then a thought came to me. He would be nice to know. I told myself that if I drove back around the corner and he was still standing there, I would talk to him. So I drove around the corner, and guess what? He was still standing there. He flagged me down and I pulled over. He ended up riding with me to go find parking and then walking me home. He was awkward and nerdy and he was trying really hard to be a gentleman. And I was glad, Allah, that you reminded me of how it felt to be a woman. It was a simple thing, but I was glad to be reminded me of how it feels when a man is walking towards you.
I realized that My People is not walking towards me. He has been running away. And so I let him go. Hey. You said to do it. I let My People go… I finally got it. It finally clicked in my head. Love is easy. Life is easy. Start with an intention and keep holding out until you meet it in the world. That’s it. Do not ask for an orange and then when an apple comes your way, try to make it into an orange. Ask for an orange and wait for an orange. You will know when you have found your heart’s desire. It will not hurt. It will not make you feel unwanted. It will not drain your life force. It will not take away from your focus. It will not leave you feeling confused. It will inspire. It will make you feel like you belong. It will energize you and help you focus even more. It will leave you in a space of Divine clarity.
I don’t know what will happen with my man life. Heck, I don’t know what will happen with any part of my life. But what I do know is that this week I will finish all that was in the past. I will hold fast to my real dreams and keep walking towards them until they become my reality. I will Source joy from the depths of my belly. I will express all the love that’s in me and receive all the blessings that Your pour out daily. I will exercise my Spiritual muscles. I will activate all this good stuff in me and use every ounce of my being to keep on keeping on. What I do know is that the highest possible results are automatically forthcoming, for me and everyone I interact with. I know this. I trust this. I own this…. And so it is… Ameen.
Thank You so much, Allah. Thank You so much…
Day 427
The Highest Possible Results (Are Automatically Forthcoming)
Dear God,
I am afraid. To start a life. To start over. I know I am supposed to be strong and brave, but I am afraid. Women are not taught to be this way. We are not taught to do things on our own, without heroes, without husbands, without fathers and mothers and anyone telling us what to do.
My identity is crashing. I am not supposed to be ok without a hero. But I don’t have a hero. I am my own hero. And I must be ok. For my children. For the women. For the people who come after me, the people whose lives I will touch. For myself and my smile. I must be ok. Even for the men.
Something is horribly wrong in our world. Women are not women. We are afraid little girls subjecting ourselves to all manner of trauma and pain… How can we be women yet fearless? Do they go together? How can we be women yet know what to do? How can we be free of heroes when we are women and all we know are heroes?
Something in me says that something is quite wrong. That we are out of place. Somebody tricked us and told us we were weak and dumb. Something in me says that we are much more powerful than we know.
I want to ride the wave, God. I am tired of flailing in the ocean. I want to ride the wave. But I am afraid of all the things that I do not know… Still, I want to ride the wave. I want to know my own power. I want to make it through this very critical time of my life with grace and ease…
I am sad that You did not give me My People. I want to pretend that I am OK, but I miss him. I miss him a lot. Why do you make my heart fall in love with men who will not have me? I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to find someone else. He was perfect for me. And he was a good man, Allah. Of the best. I thought that I was finally going to be able to explore joy and life with someone who had the capacity to understand and appreciate me…
And so I am here. It is 8:33am and I need to find a job today. And I need to finish filing some court papers today. And I guess I can not cry and feel sorry for myself all day. I guess I can not be afraid all day. I still need to eat…
Can You give me some confidence? Can You help me to know the Truth? Can you help this time of my life to be easy?
And then the sun comes up through the windows. I have never seen the sun shine through the windows in this house before. And You are telling me that this is how I become a queen: by looking into the belly of my own fears and facing them. There are no heroes but You. And You are in me. And so it is time to save myself. That is the secret that they never told the women. We must save ourselves.
Yes, the men will be there. Yes, we will live life with others. But we must find the diamond power within us in order to restore ourselves, and our world, even, back to balance.
How can I walk with my head up, Allah? I am afraid I will be alone. I am afraid that there will be no one able to understand me. I am afraid that I will always be the comforter and never the comforted. I am afraid that I will fail. I am afraid that I will succeed. I am afraid, God… You are asking me to be a woman who stands in her own power, and those are revolutionary thoughts. I am afraid that people will hate me. People will try to kill me. People will call me crazy. People will say that I am trying to be a man and, although men will admire me, they won’t want to marry me… I am afraid that life will never be easy like Hawaii again.
If I do this thing… If I stop being afraid… If I become all of me… I can not even write about it. I feel like I will die. I will no longer be me. A woman standing in the fullness of her power is a rare creature in our world, but I don’t see any other way to keep moving forward. Crawling will no longer do. Crying all the time will no longer do. Fear and pain and withhold will no longer do. And playing small just isn’t good enough anymore.
What does a woman in her power look like? Is this idea blasphemy? Show me the way to become the Truth of who I am. I must give up worrying about people calling me crazy. I must give up worrying about people thinking I’m doing stuff I’m not doing. I must give up worrying about what people think of me. Period. I must be ok with who I am. A woman in her power sets the tone. She decides what kind of life she wants to live and then she goes about the business of taking action to create it. This includes Love. A woman in her power includes Love, for that is the Source that will sustain everything else. A woman in her power forgives everything, for she understands that the energy of hatred and resentment will thwart her best efforts. A woman in her power is not ashamed of all that has transpired in her life in order to bring her to the moment where she finally realizes who she is… A woman in her power trusts… Yes. Trust. Trust, baby. Put that in your belly with Love. The demons don’t want you to know who you are, because a woman in her power always changes darkness into light. The demons will come to scare you. They will whisper things to you to try and keep you from seeing the Truth. Look within yourself and simply ask, “Is this true?”
You will see the lies easily. You will see your path easily. Don’t worry about assholes. They are assholes. A woman in her power participates in the creation of her reality by taking action. This is what the men understand. You must take action. Consistent action. Action that is in alignment with what you say you want. If you want a loving husband, you can not stay with men who do not show you love. You are not behaving in alignment with your intention. A woman in her power demands that her environment reflect the Love that she is, and her environment (and her man) responds accordingly.
It is time for us to take our place… In my belly, there is a fire burning. It is telling me that this fear will no longer do. It is telling me to step into my power as a woman. Redefine it. Understand it. Know that power is not a dirty word. And that power and woman are not oxymorons…
-If you believe you were born to be a queen, then what would a queen do right now? What would a queen do about My People? Give him an ultimatum? Chase him? Find another man? Wait?
-What does it look like to embody confidence? Not arrogance, but confidence. Confidence that God is for you and not against you. Confidence that I did not leave you here alone without guidance. Confidence that your life is a good life. Have confidence now. Your life is a good life, even if you can not understand it. Walk with the knowledge that you are pure and Divine. Walk with the knowledge that you are a Blessed child of God, and the Universe will respond to you accordingly… That is enough for today. It is time for action. Be Blessed, My One. This is the day that the Lord hath created. Let us rejoice and Be Blessed.
Ameen.
Day 426
In Her Power (A Woman)
I believe it is the smog that gets you: the grey ash that seems to be descending everywhere, barely perceptible to the human eye. Before I went to Hawaii, I thought that the sky in Los Angeles was blue. The sunlight was beautiful.
But now everything looks different. The sky seems grey-blue, as if there is always an ashy haze in it. The people seem to be daydreaming, and as I interact with more and more people, I recognize that most do not believe a word coming out of their own mouths. Most do not believe that their dreams will ever come true.
If this is an initiation, God, then this is an initiation for me! Geez…
It has been a challenging day today. I’m spending the weekend at my sister’s place. I arrived last night. She is pregnant and sick with pregnancy sickness. She doesn’t drink enough water. She doesn’t eat enough fruit and vegetables. She doesn’t get enough rest… She is far, far away from everyone and everything. I miss her. I miss the carefree, happy girl that I watched grow up. It is hard to watch her go through so many challenges and not be able to do anything about it…
My People disappeared. Well, he didn’t really disappear. He’s just not willing to be an active part of my life right now. If I called him, he would answer. If I showed up at his house, he would open the door. But he is not calling me, and he is not showing up at my door, and that sucks. I could play woman games and get him to show some interest in me, but I don’t want to play any woman games. I don’t want to do any manipulation. I want him to come my way simply because he wants to come my way, if he’s going to come my way at all. No guilt. No obligation. No manipulation. Just choice. Just him wanting to spend time with me because there’s nothing else he would rather do…
I thought things were going to be different. I have such a huge imagination. I thought he was going to be my husband. I thought I was going to come back to Cali and we were going to get to know each other better and then he was going to realize that he doesn’t want to live without me, and we both were going to get our life’s work moving in the right direction and finish doing whatever we needed to do in LA and then skip town and get married and start a life somewhere with blue skies by the end of the year… I know. The year is not over yet. But I’m not sure if my compulsion to be so deeply connected to him is a vision inspired by You, God, or if it is just my fantasy.
Our last two conversations were super intense. He made himself very vulnerable to me; implied that he felt like he might be missing out on something in life because he didn’t have much joy in his life; was deeply concerned about my housing situation. I felt his heart reaching out to me, wanting to help me, wanting to protect me… He was so concerned about me that he couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep. He stayed on the phone with me till the wee night hours, conflicted about what to do for me; conflicted about how to interact with me. I got the feeling that he wanted me to tell him what to do, but You told me not to tell him, God. You told me that he had to learn to trust his heart… So I didn’t tell him what to do. And he didn’t trust his heart. He chose from his mind instead. Texted me the next morning with an epiphany: My presence in his life had helped him to realize that he spends too much time and energy trying to help the people in his life with basic survival stuff. He recognizes that he now needs to make the time and space to focus on his life’s work…
-_-
Wrong answer. Love will bring the balance necessary for him to do his life’s work. Joy is the fuel that will make his work easy… I can not tell him those things. He will not listen to me. And who am I anyway? Just a woman with random thoughts and inclinations that come from nowhere… A part of me wants to evict him from my heart and mind, but another part says, “Be patient.” I ask my Spirit what to do. “Nothing,” She responds. “Just keep asking me what to do.”
There is no need to run to the arms of another man because tomorrow is Valentine’s Day… My head hurts.
And so I am learning about this thing called patience. And so I am learning about this thing called faith…
I went to my Writer’s Group meeting today and was very welcomed. The president of the Organization gave me a big hug. Another executive invited us all to his house to watch movies this upcoming Friday. It’s cool living with my neighbor. We have become good friends and I enjoy his company. His house is not as moldy when he is living there. He keeps things very clean…
This is what I’m dealing with today, in the city of smog where the grey ash descends upon all who would dare to come here chasing a dream…
I took a break. Read some inspirational posts on Facebook. What I would like to be is on top. Instead of flailing around in an endless ocean, I would like to ride the wave now. Instead of feeling like a victim, I would like to feel able. I would like to experience a meeting of wills: two open hearts reaching towards one another. I experienced it in Hawaii. Everyone in that situation needed what the others had to offer. Now this is different, but maybe I just can’t see clear because of all of this fog.
-There is always a meeting of wills, You say. With your sister, with My People, with all who reach towards you… Even with your sister’s spouse, there is a meeting of wills. It is important, at this phase in your life, to choose what you would like to experience. You are somewhere else now. You are walking in the fog. The environment does not support light. It is up to you to channel the light within. But you must do so on purpose. You must know how to be a light even in the fog. This is the work of a true light-worker. I want you to choose now. Dear Laydie. Choose. Every blessed day. Every day when you wake up, no matter where you laid your head the night before, choose. Choose. No matter how your sister or brother responds to you. No matter how My People receives you. No matter how sad or happy you are feeling in the morning. Choose to bring light and love. Choose to be light and love. No matter your energy or headaches. Choose with all of you. Every part of you. Choose to receive light and love. And do so with grace. Do so with confidence. Stand strong in your knowledge of Me. I am here with you. I am here with you. I am here with you. You will have moments where things do not go as you thought they would. Even still, I am here with you. Look for my voice. Look for my Guidance. Ask me what to do and know that I am answering you even before you ask. This is not theory. This is not rhetoric. This is the secret that so many refuse to accept. I am here with you, buoying you up every step of the way. Let the remnants of your painful past fall away. There will be more tears, but soon they will stop. Many years you have suffered. Many years you have cried. Many years you have not known who you were, nor have you known how to be in the world. You are doing a different thing. You are blazing a trail that is not often blazed. But you are not on your own. See your cheerleaders all around. See your helpers all around. They are rooting for a dream come true. They are rooting for the light. Give birth to the blazing light within you and watch as the fog clears in your path.
This is not a dream. This is not a fantasy. This is your new life calling you into it. Take action. Take action. Take action. Trust me. You will make it through the fog…
Ameen.
Day 425
Through The Fog
Dear You. God. Allah. Jah. I Am That I Am. Mother. Father…
Thank you.
It was like the movies. I prayed to you, and then I had a revelation.
Thank you.
All is well.
I am in Cali for the first time.
Active Cali.
Hustling Cali.
Cali that hurts you so much that it makes you want to be the love that you can’t find.
I am living with friends who want to be the love.
You brought me here. You wouldn’t let me find a room to rent to save my life!
You knew where I needed to be.
I Love You.
Thank you.
You helped me to release the need to fall in love with unavailable men and I’m sure the my presence in My People’s life has helped him much in coming back to you.
I can let go of the pain in the past. I understand why the men I loved were never there for me. My People helped me to understand. It was never about me. It was the feelings and the fear that I awoke in them: feelings that they were not ready to face; fear that they were not ready to confront.
One day, they will dive into the fear and see it for the nothing that it is. One day, Love will pull them forward into the arms of their beloved. I have done my part and I release you, my Loves… Thank you so much for finally making me into a woman.
I am a woman now. Yes. I am. Truly unafraid to show up in the world in the fullness of who I am.
My dad is proud of me. My mom is proud of me. My cousins are proud of me… I am moving around with Grace and Confidence, like you told me to, mom. I still have to work on the confidence part, but I’m getting there. I’m gonna watch some Beyonce videos and practice speaking with my head up and without fear. I’m gonna practice speaking like what I’m saying is true and like I am who I am… I’m going to practice keeping my word to myself… I am proud of me.
I am born again.
You helped me to identify Your voice and to learn to take action that is moving me forward.
You bring messengers. You bring mirrors. You bring signs. You bring help. You bring so much Love. I have seen so much Love. And You are telling me that that is my real gift. Writing is just a by-product. My real gift is my big, Loving heart. Use it and I will never go wrong.
How can I thank you enough?
The sun shines through the windows in my neighbor’s house. This is my family. My other family.
And I will see my sis this weekend. I will be her part-time family, her sister, and give her the space to learn what to do with her new family of choice.
I have done well, You say…
This is just like the movies. Thank You, God. Thank You. Ameen.
Day 424
Just Like The Movies (All In A Day)
hownottocryeveryday 