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Day 423 – The Question

February 9, 2016

My baby sis is on the mind… This one is for you, God. I am at a crossroads. A major one…

Back in LA. Ran into a guy that I had met over ten years ago, back in the days when I first stepped foot in LA trying to be a model. I was background acting and met this very memorable guy who was telling me about a script he had written. He was talking about how he had been speaking to some major actors and how he was going to sell the script. I have run into him from time to time over the years. He’s an actor in the union, but he also writes and makes music. He is always talking about a project he’s working on, and he is always struggling for money and always single and lonely looking… I ran into him today, about four days after my arrival in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles looks different after having been in Hawaii for a while. The sky is grey-blue and dusty. If you stay outside for a few hours and wipe your face with a Kleenex, there will be a brown residue on the tissue. It is a place where dreams come to die and dreams come to be born; but most of the dreams die here and people end up like my friend I just ran into: always talking about some project that never quite sees the light of day.

We run to relationships here in order to combat the loneliness. Standards are low. Will you stay? Check. Will you answer calls? Check. Will you tell me what I want to hear? Will you hold me sometimes? Check. That’s good enough. There are so many flakes here that being willing to stay with someone is more than enough reason for someone to pledge their body and soul to you…

It is a sad place… But I don’t want to tell you about Los Angeles. You already know about this place. I want to tell you about my life, because I need help… Can I speak plainly, and not in code? It has been over ten years since I first stepped foot in LA, and for the first time, I see how much time has passed. I have not gotten very far. I know, you will say I have gotten far. To have a car and a job and a decent apartment in Los Angeles is more than many. To not be involved in some crazy dysfunctional relationship while living in LA is saying a lot. To not be wanting to slit my wrist or jump off a building is an accomplishment in this city. But still, I haven’t done much… I’m just now realizing that I haven’t done much… You will say that I have done a lot for a lot of people, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean I haven’t done much for myself.

I am like my friend that I met today. It hasn’t been ten years since I thought of being a writer, but it has been more than seven. And more than seven years later, I have barely completed two scripts and hardly made any submissions. And my reel is tiny and not put together. I haven’t made much progress… I have been busy getting my heart broken and jumping from relationship to relationship with idiot lying men… I have been busy subletting rooms and letting my apartment out and dealing with strange roommates… I have been hashing it out with family members who don’t want me to have visitors or who want to have visitors that I don’t want in the house. I have been doing everything except the work that You have asked me to do…

And now I am here, in the dusty city of LA, wondering what I should do with my life. I have help everywhere. Even my sis wants to help me, but she needs more help than I do. I am tired of running. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of always having some sort of issue in my life. I am tired of being a nobody and having so much potential and so many gifts, yet never actualizing them fully… I am tired of being tired.

I want to go to my neighbor’s house, but I don’t like his religion or the energy in his house. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I don’t like her husband. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I don’t like the smoke. I want to go to my other friend’s house, but I don’t like the smoke (or the fact that he’s probably going to flirt with me). I want to go to my other friend’s house, but it’s too small and there are bugs in his bed and he’s going to fall in love with me if I stay too long… I would love to stay with My People, but he is overwhelmed by people always wanting to stay with him. People want to stay with him because it is so rare to find a drama free person with a clean house and fresh energy here in LA… I want to go home, but there is no home. Hawaii is not home. It is a place of refuge; a place to stop and think; a place to get it together; but it is not home…

I want to know where home is…

I want my dad. Sometimes I just want to go away from here… So why am I writing You, God? Well, I guess I’ll ask You the question. What should I do with my life now? Or, better yet, where should I sleep tonight? Where should I sleep tomorrow? I have no place that I want to go. I have a little bit of money, but not enough to stay at a hotel every night. I haven’t been able to find a room I want to rent, and the sun sets at 5:30p here… And it’s 5:00… Do I get a ticket back to Hawaii with the money I have? Do I go to wherever my mamma is? Do I just stay with one of the people who are willing to help me? Do I stay here in LA? Period? Oh. I forgot. I have a brother here. He always wants to give people his unsolicited advice, though, and his advice is usually to quit whatever your dream is and settle for what is tangible…

You said that if I followed Your voice, You would take care of me. Well, I followed Your voice last night and didn’t go to anyone’s house like You told me, and I ended up sleeping in my car. And I followed Your voice and ended up in LA trying to be a writer instead of all of the other fantastic things I could have done with my life. And I followed Your voice and I ended up not being there for some of the people who I wanted to be there for because You told me to take care of myself. And I am here now, in the one and only Writer’s Guild Library in the United States, and I don’t know where I am going to sleep tonight… An old man is sitting across from me flirting with me and procrastinating…

And I don’t know about Your voice anymore, but it is all I have.

Tell me what to do, please. Tell me what to do, because my brain doesn’t work anymore, and I don’t have any answers… How do I create a life I want to be a part of? How do I get to the place where I am finally doing the work that You have asked me to do? How do I be sure of the voice and the inspiration You give me? It never makes any sense. People think that I am being selfish or crazy or whatever else when I don’t do what would appear to be the move that helps others. They don’t understand… Or maybe I don’t understand. I don’t know anything anymore, but I have nothing to rely on but Your voice. So tell me what to do, please. Tell me how to stand up as a woman. Tell me how to get out of this seemingly endless nightmare that I call my life. Tell me how to have the life that You put in my dreams. Tell me how to be someone that I am proud of. Please. I can not continue on like this. I can not remain trapped in the fog of LA. I must do something with my life now. Enough is enough…

Please. Tell me what to do. Please… In the movies, I would walk outside and then have a major revelation. I know this isn’t the movies, but please give me a revelation. I’ll do the work. I’ll stay up late. My body works now. I have more energy. Please… Just tell me what to do… I will do it.


Day 423
The Question

From → The Renaissance

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