Good morning World! How are you?
I have touched the source of my being this morning… I watched a service from my spiritual center online this morning. That center was my favorite part of living in LA. I received so much food for my soul there.
And this morning I am in Love. Not with any particular person. I am in Love with life. Oh, I know. Life sucks. But it’s also beautiful. I was listening to My People give a speech online. He was speaking about claiming one’s inheritance. He was saying that all of us are given everything we need…
My People called me on New Year’s Day. I hadn’t heard from him in about a month and I was missing him. His presence always inspires me to go deeper within myself. Emotions wake up, and I start thinking about the purpose of life. The thing about him is that I never feel hurt in his presence. I never feel like he will hurt me. There is a profound sense of safety with him and there is so much honesty between us. I don’t want anything from him. It is the strangest feeling. I just want to be connected to him, and I want him to be happy. And if being my man would make him happy, then I would want that for him. But if he doesn’t feel the connection and the love and the excitement and all that he would want from a partner with me, then I would still want him to be happy elsewhere, and I would Love him and I would still want to be connected to him in the way that suits us best…
What would make me happy, you ask? Well… I’m already happy right now. I can honestly say that I am sitting here on an island with absolutely no guarantees about anything at all in life, and I am happier than I’ve ever been. And this makes me happy… What I would want from a man is someone who is sure that he wants to share his love with me and someone who wants to build a life with me. That is not the only requirement, but that is the one thing that is necessary… For now, I know that My People is interviewing me and figuring out what he wants to do with his life. And I have a little more preparation to do before I will be ready to fully partner up with a man, so everything is going well. I am faithful that my life partner exists and I know that when the time is right, we will connect with each other and continue on a new journey together…
In the meantime, I am thinking about Love… I am thinking that my Hawaii healing will be ending soon and I must face the world again. This place was designed for healing. It is a place for ease. It is a place where children learn how to smile and get along with one another. I really Love this place and I would like to always be connected to this place. Maybe I will have a home here and raise my children here and connect with the rest of the world on a project to project/seasonal basis. I think it’s important that we all take some time and space, at some point in our lives to be renewed and refreshed to know what it is to feel at peace…
This is another post about nothing. If I keep writing, I will get somewhere. I just felt like reaching my hand out and offering something to someone who may be wanting what I have to share. I felt like touching the world and being a part of everything. Because I touched the Source of everything and there is no point in knowing anything if you are not going to use what you know and share who you are.
I can not dance for you, and you probably wouldn’t want to see me dance anyway. And I don’t have money to give, dear reader. I can not make your dreams come true and I can’t take away your pains. But I can give you words. And don’t say that words are nothing, because words are the beginning of everything for many of us. In our human agreements, they are one of the first expressions of thoughts, and after them, action follows.
Words can identify your pains and words can help you find a way to release them and heal them. And words can name your dreams and words can plant seeds in your mind that help you actualize those dreams. And dear reader, words can type, write, talk and plan your way into jobs, situations, and opportunities that can get you money. There is power in words. I recognize this.
And this New Year, my only resolution is to use my words more wisely. This is my gift: the usage of words… We are not victims anymore. So let us get over this idea that we have no power. Even the most destitute of us all can get up today and say, “I choose.”
I choose to drink a glass of water.
I choose to get off the bed.
I choose to smile just to see what that feels like.
I choose to touch my toes.
I choose to imagine what life could be if I had a choice.
I choose to write a poem and share it with someone.
I choose to say I’m sorry.
I choose to forgive.
I choose to take a bath and touch my skin.
I choose to eat so I can live.
I choose to live.
I choose to live.
I choose to live.
I choose to find a book to help me.
I choose to find a voice to help me.
I choose to find a song to help me.
I choose to demonstrate the wisdom and knowledge that I have gained.
I choose not to fight.
I choose to fight for my life.
I choose to choose.
I choose to look at this word, “power”.
I choose to think.
I choose to think of what power means to me.
I choose to think of what I would like power to mean for me.
I choose to participate in the creation of my own experience of this life.
I choose to allow myself to be helped.
I choose to participate. I choose to participate. I choose to participate.
I choose to let the fullness of my potential be actualized in this incarnation.
I choose to radiate life.
I choose to actualize the fullness of my potential.
I choose to give.
I choose to receive.
I choose…
I choose to give something, anything, good to someone who will receive it. Even a word… Even a word.
Thank you, God.
Ameen.
Day 417
The Words
Well, well, well… This is my attempt at getting balanced. I have some “me” time for about forty-five minutes, before I have to go back home to the fam. I’m at my other sister’s apartment right now. The single one who lives alone in a comfy, quiet, bright, peaceful space in the middle of town in Hawaii. I asked her if I could come here and work while she went to work…
I could have stayed here with her. She invited me to stay here about a week ago, and I was supposed to move in, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave my mom and my other sis and the kids at the other house. It felt like they needed me. I know. I am nothing, and no one really needs anyone, but my mom was pretty bad off, and sometimes it takes a person from the outside to see what’s really going on with people. She was sick. She is sick. Nothing major, but a lot of little things. Feet hurt. Legs hurt. Low-grade depression. Needing to be noticed. Needing to be Loved…
My sis does her best. She does a good job, but she has her own issues. She has two children under the age of four, and she’s in medical residency, so she works a whole lot. And she has a husband. She barely has time for her own life…
I see that it is not only me who came here to Hawaii to be healed. The people here were in need of a healing, too. And although I don’t have much to give, the things that I have to give are just the things that they needed here: a foot massage, a little more noticing of one another…
I feel super emotional and I don’t know why… So much suffering in the world. I realize that I am not so sad anymore. I mean, I get sad and discouraged sometimes. I have doubts and fears… But I see them for what they are: doubts, fears, sadness, anger. That’s all they are. They are not me. I am more than them. And I have been practicing, Allah. I have been practicing choosing other things when the doubts and the fears and the sadness try to consume me. Like now.
Thank you for this moment. Now I choose to write all of this confusion out of me. I chose to come to my sister’s place so that I could have some time alone. I chose to hire my writing coach again so I can get some help finally getting my projects out there. Thank you for making me aware of these choices, Allah.
This blog isn’t about anything today. It’s just me working out all the things in my mind so that I can be balanced when I go home. I think the time is already here: It is time to be my powerful self. I have been afraid of so much.
I was at the beach this morning. The Hawaii beach is different than the Cali beaches. There is no smoking. No loud music. It’s super clean. The water is really clear. The skies are super blue. And right next to the water, there’s the sand. And right next to the sand, there are parks and trees bordering the beach. No big stores. The vibe is different. It is as if this place were made for healing and rejuvenation. I was running in the sand at the beach and feeling my shins open up. I haven’t been able to run in so long… But I ran this morning, and I had to ask you, Allah, how I got here.
And I had to thank You. And I’m thanking You now, for bringing me here. I’m thanking you for saving me. I’m thanking you for putting a hold on my life and making everything fall apart. Yes. Thank you. I asked for it, didn’t I? I asked to start over. Why do we ask to start over and then think that everything is going to be the same? Thank you for doing a major overhaul on everything. Thank You for allowing me to help bring peace to my family and thank you for the peace and the practice they are bringing to me.
Some times it is hard not to butt into people’s lives, but I will trust You. I know that everyone is evolving at the perfect pace for them. I just wanted to touch base with You, God. I am OK with this time of my life. I will be here until I learn to find balance here, and I am learning fast. And then, no matter where I go, I will be there: a balanced woman; a happy woman; a woman who comes with peace; a woman who understands love; a strong woman; a powerful woman; a kind woman; a woman who is comfortable in her own skin; a purposeful woman; a joyful woman; a faithful believer; a committed woman.
Allah, sometimes I feel like it’s not fair for me to be so lucky. I feel like I am leaving some of my companions behind. I feel like I made it out of the darkness and they didn’t, and it’s not fair. And I want to stop going forward until they come. And I don’t want to write about good things…
And You are telling me to keep writing about good things. You never know who is reading. You are telling me to keep moving forward.
-You see, our lives are all our lives. This I have given You to do, and when you do what I have given you to do, all whom you touch are touched by Me, in their own time. In their own. You open your arms wider now. Straighten up your back. Smile as big as you can and write about it. Work about it. Dance about it. There is no shame in happiness. Don’t worry about them. They will find their own way when it is time. And you, my dear, are helping them to know that a way can be found.
…
This blog entry is all over the place, but so was my mind. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but whatever it was, it’s worked out now. I feel more balanced. I feel like we are back in conversation, Allah, and that’s all I need to keep moving forward and to enjoy where I’m at that. Thank you so much for this. Thank you.
Ameen.
Day 416
Balance
Dear You,
I miss you. What I miss most is the feeling of flying and the pure joy. I miss the honesty between us. I miss the way your house felt, like open space: clean and pure. I miss the wisdom and compassion in your eyes. You said you would hold a space for me, and so I am speaking to this space: I am here. I am here. I am here. I know I have a lot of growing to do, but I am ready now. I know how to Love now. I know how to be in my own skin now. I am no longer afraid to live. I know, all my dreams are ahead of me. I am sure that I can do it all by myself, but I feel no pride in doing it by myself anymore. You don’t have to save me. I can save myself. I just want you to be with me sometimes. Hold my hand sometimes. Smile with me sometimes. Pray with me sometimes. Sit and be quiet with me sometimes. Share love with me. Talk about limitlessness. Plan things and do them… Let me dance for you. Let me dance for you…
The war is over.
The fighting is done.
And all I have are love poems, because I don’t care about anything but Love. No, I don’t care about anything but Love. Finally, it has come to this.
They wanted to break me. The others. They wanted me to die. But somehow I am still here. I can not take credit. I don’t know how I’m still here, writing Love poems without a place to put them… But they told me, the pieces of myself, they told me that if I kept writing, if I kept digging deeper, then a place would be made, and you would come and find the poems that I have been writing just for you.
They would be like a beacon of light guiding You my way.
And so I write. I write for my life. I write because there is nothing left for me to do but believe. I write because I will explode if I keep these words inside. I write to sing my own lullabies. I write to set myself free.
Dear You,
I am here. Writing Love poems. Come and get them, baby. Come and get them…
Ameen.
Day 415
On Writing Love Poems
There is so much to write about.
But can I start with telling you about what happened today? I went to the doctor – a chiropractor out here. I had been to him once before, last week, but I don’t know if I wrote about it.
So… If you don’t know, I’ve been sick. For a long time. Over a year. At the worst of my sickness, I had zero energy. If you have never had zero energy, it will be hard for you to understand what that means. You will think that I was lazy, or depressed, or that I just needed to motivate myself to get up and do something, but that wasn’t it. I had zero energy. I literally couldn’t even get up to save my life, and at the worst of my sickness, I would just lay on the floor of my apartment and pray that I didn’t die. I couldn’t get up to eat. I couldn’t get up to go to my bed. My muscles hurt everywhere. It was really bad.
Well, I didn’t die. A friend of mine came and stayed with me and helped me get better. He cooked for me and made sure I ate healthy foods every day. He made sure I went outside and went on walks with me and was patient when I walked super slow and would have to stop and rest often. Doctors did all kinds of tests on me and diagnosed me with several musculo-skeletal conditions, but none of their treatment methods worked. I was horrified and I couldn’t do much. And on top of that, the people in my inner circle were having so many issues and reaching out to me for help, and I couldn’t help them. I didn’t know if my life was going to stay like that forever. I didn’t know if I was just gonna be a disabled woman with no energy and all these pains, who looked like a normal woman, and so most people didn’t even believe I was sick!
When the doctors would do their tests, they would gloss over some “nerve irritation” that would always show up, saying it was no big deal. Finally, I decided to do my own research. I didn’t believe in any of their diagnoses. I looked up nerve irritation and came upon a condition which seemed like exactly what I had. The medical community has not made it an “official” condition yet, and the treatment for it is relatively new and considered an “alternative” treatment method. This past March, I found a doctor in Cali who did the treatment, and I immediately starting feeling better. He was a chiropractor, and he was very expensive. All the Hollywoods went to him. I got better quick, but I couldn’t afford to see him as many times as I as supposed to. So eventually, my health reached a plateau, and I had gone from about 10% functional to roughly 65% functional. It was good enough to at least be independent, and eventually my friend/nurse left.
Fast forward to today. I hadn’t been getting better for several months, but I hadn’t been getting worse either, so I was just learning how to live at 65% functionality. But then I came to Hawaii. I got a job and worked for about a week, thinking I could it, but I couldn’t. I started getting exhausted again. My body pains started getting worse. I was getting worse… And so I sought out a doctor here. I went online and found the one doctor on this whole island who does the treatment that I need. My sis (God bless her soul) said she would help finance my recovery.
Last week, I went to Dr. Magic, a little Hawaiian man around my age, and he literally touched almost every painful spot that I have had on my body this past year or so. He knew exactly where they were just by touching me. The good news, he said, was that I was fixable. The bad news was that was a lot of fixing to be done.
I saw him for our second session today. He was primary releasing nerve entrapment in my hips and thighs. And let me tell you something… This past year, there has been a pain that goes deep, deep in my inner thigh and travels deep somewhere behind my ribs… It is so deep that I can never touch it and there are very few stretches that I can do that even come close to helping me feel some relief in those areas… Well today, he touched it. I’ve never pushed a baby out of me, so I don’t know how painful that is, but I can bet that the pain I felt today probably comes near… I screamed. I sweat. I told him that I didn’t think I could bear it as he twisted, popped, kneaded and stretched the pain out of my body… And then it was over. And now I am sitting here writing my blog. As I breathe, I feel breath going in to areas of my back that didn’t feel alive before. I feel movement in my hips.
How can I capture this feeling? The feeling of coming back to life? The feeling of opening? I can remember the moments that I started to close. I can remember the moments that my heart started to break. I can remember the moments that my muscles began assuming a defensive position and started staying that way. How can I explain? Those moments had formed solid pictures. They had become me. I had become them. All of that pain had become a solid thing within me. But in this moment, those moments, those memories, shattered like glass. They just fell apart. They were only memories. They are no longer who I am…
I am amazed at this magical doctor. All this time, there was someone in the world who could help fix me… And God, You sure do know how to teach a lesson. I am thinking about life and I am so hopeful. Sometimes it takes a while for you to find your way back to good. And some of us will bump our heads over and over again until we figure out what is wrong and how to make it right. Don’t stop trying, OK? Don’t stop trying to be better. Don’t stop trying to get well. Don’t start believing that the pain is all there is. It’s not true. It’s a lie. There is more to life than pain. Believe me. Please. There is so much more…
Ameen.
Day 414
More Than Pain
Hi.
Not sure what to write about today, but want to write. Wrote a blog about men and deleted it. It wasn’t for me. I was writing for an audience.
I want to go back to writing as if no one is reading. It’s an interesting experiment. If no one was reading this, what would I write my journal about today?
God, I would tell you about all of these crazy feelings that I had yesterday. So many in one day. But they are gone now, so I’ll let them be. Sorrow remains, though. A sense of loss. Death. I have let go of my last lingering attachments to men of the past. I have told them all no, and I have let go of the ones who I wanted who told me no… And nothing remains in this emptiness but fear… What will I do now? Now that I have no job, no man from the past, nothing blocking me from doing and being all that I said I would be and do?
What if I’m not good enough? What if I can’t do it? What if that dream man doesn’t exist? Or worse, what if he does exist but he doesn’t want me? Allah, I am looking for the faith that I will need to move forward. Because it is so much easier to go back to a life that I at least understand.
Make me Myself, please. Let me live the life that I am. Let me be courageous enough to move forward into the unknown. I am almost there and sometimes it feels like I am already there and other times it feels like I am so far away. Let me know the Truth. Let me be the Truth. Surely it is possible to grow with ease. Surely it is possible for me to traverse this part of my life with confidence and faith and joy and strength. Surely I can release the past and not fall apart.
I would like to be me now. I would like to be Brave and Strong and Confident and Beautiful. I would like to be a woman of Integrity, who does what she says she is going to do. I want to release all of these doubts now and see them as the devils that they are. I want to do the things that I came to Hawaii to do. Now. There is no more time for fear. There is no more time blame. There is no more time for talk without action. There is no more time for anything but Love.
And so, I am coming to You, God, with my choices, and I am asking for your Blessing. Take me over completely. I am willing to grow. I am choosing to grow. I am choosing to move forward and stand up boldly in the Truth of all that am. And it is OK with me if I’m more than I thought I am. And it’s even OK if I’m less than I thought I am…
I just realized something. Here is where I get it from. Here is where I find courage. Here with You. When I can talk to you like this, when I can tell you my fears, when I can get it all off my chest, You talk back to me. And you tell me what to do. And you give me the visions and the Guidance that will take me to the next step. And You give me comfort… The fog clears and I am able to take another step. Thank you…
I’m already me, aren’t I? I’m on some next level stuff. I have done a lot of clearing. Really I have done some extraordinary clearing…
My mom just called me away to talk about some stuff. I did something I usually don’t do. I just listened. When I felt inclined to think judgmental thoughts or give advice, I just let go of those thoughts and listened…
I am becoming a better person, a stronger person, a more Loving person. My courage is here in my prayers. In my conversations with You, I find the Truth again and I get a boost that helps me remember which direction to go. The fears fall away and I am renewed with the faith to keep taking the actions that you have led me to take. Let’s see what happens. If I do everything that You have led me to do. Everything. Let’s see what happens…
Ameen.
Day 413
On Finding Courage
I keep writing all these long blogs and then deleting them. It’s amazing how many different thoughts pass through your mind in just an hour.
I had an anxiety attack about an hour ago and was afraid of all the change that is happening, and now I’m not. About an hour ago I tried to make an appointment with a doctor out here to get some treatment and was told I couldn’t get an appointment for two weeks. And ten minutes ago they called me to say they had a cancellation and that I can come in tomorrow…
I don’t pretend to understand any of it, although I know that cause must have some relationship to effect and intention must have some relationship to action and reaction.
This is it, though. This is my second chance at life, or maybe more accurately, this is my second life. I know it like I know my own name. This is my rebirth. What do I want to remember about this? What do I want to say about this part?
Make no mistake. It is horrifying. But that doesn’t have to be all of it. I quit my job. Yes, I did. I turn in the keys to my office tomorrow morning. And now I’ve set myself up so that the only way I can make money is to do the things that I’ve always wanted to do, or get with some dude who will give me money, which is also one of the things I’ve always wanted to do. I kind of want to do the things I’ve always wanted to do regardless of a man, though.
For about a month now, I have had all of my needs met. There has been no worrying about food. There has been no worrying about where I will sleep. There have been no heartbreaks or major disappointments. There has been fresh air and stability. My family that I live with has started being authentic and loving towards each other for the first time in a very long time. My coworkers have been kind to me. There have been no meanies trying to plot and manipulate. There has been a smiling, open-toothed baby hugging me whenever I come home.
What did I do to deserve this, Allah? I must have done something good at some point in my life…
What I would like to remember about this time in my life, what I would like to document, is this moment. This day. It is the day that I realized how fluid life is. One moment you are in despair, and the next you are in ecstasy. I want to remember the trees blowing in the wind and the mother bird feeding her chicks under the awning of the roof of the Hawaii State Library. I want to remember knowing that everything passes. Even this blissful moment will pass. And yet, every experience is just as real as the next.
In this moment, I have found a friend in Grace. I have found a friend in Truth. And even as I am breaking down and having anxiety attacks full of fear, I know that Grace and Truth are not too far off and they will be there for me shortly.
Break my heart open, Lord. On this day, I truly believe in You. I have seen too many miracles to deny Your existence… They will say that I did everything from the power of my own mind, and they can say whatever they like. They have a right to their perception. But I say that I believe in You. I believe in a Power beyond my own mind. I believe in a synchronicity beyond my control. And I also believe that my will and my choices play a part in how my life ends up. There is a relationship constantly unfolding between me and these trees, between me and my family… Even between me and my thoughts.
And there is a Grace and a Love that can trump all fear and all pain and all bitterness and anxiety. I know it exists because I am experiencing it right now as I write these words. Although I feel afraid, something More than me pushes me to keep going. Keep writing. Keep Loving. Keep trying to be Peace. Keep saying sorry. Keep forgiving. Keep believing that people can be good. Keep believing that I can be good. Keep getting up…
Today I believe that it is worth it to at least keep trying to get up. Today I believe. Period. There is so much more than me happening in this world. I grab hold of what I can and let the rest grab hold of me. I surrender, God. I surrender to the evolution taking place. Today is the day I believe in You. Yes. I believe in You… Ameen.
Day 412
The Day I Believed In God
I want to tell you something. I just wrote a bit of a blog and deleted it. Because I want to tell you something.
There is a way. To happiness. Oh, I know you won’t believe me until you see that I have all the things in my life that you think happy people are supposed to have. But I am telling you now. There is a way.
I have been dealing with fear. I checked my bank account and started second guessing whether or not I really wanted to quit my job. Two people who I had reached out to thinking they would help with advice and guidance did not respond to me. And so I wondered if it’s a good idea for me to take action on all these random inspirations that I have, or whether I should just be systematic and work and save some money and pay off debts and then in about a year, I would have payed off everything and maybe gone to the doctors and I would be better.
I prayed about it, but my Spirit was not accepting this work for a year systematic thing. My Spirit was ready to move forward now… And there is no end to this story. I am writing it as I experience it, for I don’t know what will happen next. I only know that this is my testimony in the making. This is me stepping out on faith and daring to declare that I am a master artist and a master healer and I am going to live my life as if I know who I am.
I thought about what has been keeping my back all this time, and it was always a relationship: man, family, friend. Always something to weigh on my joy. Always something to thwart my enthusiasm and passion. And when I begin teaching and initiating healing programs, we will deal with relationships first. It is possible to have outer success while participating in dysfunctional relationship dynamics, but somehow I think that inner peace and success are the only sustainable things. Somehow it all seems interconnected and I don’t know how long a body can be harmonious when a mind and environment are out of balance.
There is a clearing that must take place. There is cleaning needed. We have stored so much gunk. We have created so much pain. We have lied to ourselves and to others so much that we don’t even recognize the Truth.
But the Truth still recognizes us, and It is forever willing to accept us when we decide to come home to it.
I am going to trust You, Allah. You said to give my all. You said to let go of it all and forgive it all and say sorry and I have done the work with my relationships. And I am sorry. And Lord knows that for the most part, I didn’t mean much harm. But sometimes I did. Sometimes I wanted to teach people lessons and sometimes I wanted people to suffer for the wrong they had done to me or the wrong they had done to people I Love…
But I know now, that it is not up to me to punish, and if I want to teach lessons, I can go back to the classroom and teach people who have agreed that they want to learn from me.
I am learning how to be in the world, and I am Loving this part of the journey. Thank you. Every now and then I meet another who has decided to remove all the debris from their hearts and I am always excited to know that there are magical people on this Earth.
There are radiant beings who have found the joy and the passion and the light underneath all of the heaviness that has accumulated. And they have done the work to unearth it and gift the world with their work and their presence and ideas and their very being. And they are doing the work still, constantly evolving. Constantly growing. Constantly giving of themselves, and being gracious enough to receive. I want to be amongst those beings.
I am willing now, and for the first time in a long, I feel like I am able. I found a little bit of joy in my belly and I found passion in my bones. And I will feed them until they take over my life… Yes. I will feed them.
Ameen.
Day 411
The Bellows
I had an epiphany this morning. I want to capture it in writing before it leaves me.
So… As you know, I’ve been struggling with different life things for quite some time. This morning it felt like there was an opening, like the clouds parted and I could see things very clearly.
I saw my life. I am in Hawaii right now. Yesterday made one month since I’ve been here. I got a job a week ago. An admin job with never-ending work. It’s the first job I’ve worked in over a year. I am glad to have a flow of income, but I am still not 100% healthy, so after work, I feel very tired, and most days I don’t do much when I get home besides talk to my family and go to sleep.
I mentally went over my goals this morning. Why did I come to Hawaii? I came here to get my life right and start moving in the direction of my heart’s desire. I wrote things down. I am supposed to be aligning myself with the Truth of my life, purifying and nourishing my body, mind and Spirit, refining my gifts, skills, and talents in order to prepare for my Divine life’s work, and creating a space for a Loving partner to come into my life. As far as actions go, I am supposed to be finished polishing my two feature films and start pitching them by the end of this year, and I am supposed to create a source of passive income and start paying off all my debts. Next year, I am supposed to shoot at least one of my films and go overseas to contribute to the help the international people project that I started a couple of years ago.
Now how am I going to go from here to there? Especially when I have the limitation of not being fully healthy and not having all of my energy? It’s like my energy runs on a battery these days. I plan to do certain things and then at some point, my battery just runs out, whether or not I’ve accomplished what I wanted to do in a day. I used to be able to push myself to finish things whether or not I was tired, but these days, it’s like I just can’t go any further once my battery runs out.
So, before I came to Hawaii, I made a list of things I would need in order to accomplish my goals:
-A stable living environment
-Low stress/emotional stability
-Income
-Practice as a writer/director.
I think I will also need to go and see a doctor, because I want my energy to go back to normal and I think it’s possible if I get the right kind of treatment/supplements.
So there you have it. This morning I was trying to figure out how I’m going to accomplish my goals, especially when I work a job that takes up most of my time and I have very little energy to do anything after work, but I need income… I didn’t have any good ideas. What could I do that wouldn’t make me too tired so that I could still focus on my writing and practice film stuff. And then I had an epiphany.
What if I could make money doing the film stuff that I Love to do? I know this is a no brainer, but I’ve never really tried it. What if someone could actually give me money to make my movie next year? Like, that’s what professionals do. People pay them to write and make movies. What would I have to do in order for people to pay me to write and make movies? Well, I would have to be good at writing and making movies. I’m all right right now, but honestly, I have the potential to be extraordinary.
But how would I make money? Like, this month? While I am practicing and getting better at my craft?
I prayed… And an idea started formulating in my head. And this is such a huge deal because it had never happened before! I saw myself making my movies! And being payed for it. And I saw how! And it was simple. Just focus on the doing the projects that I’ve already conceived. I have several projects. Some of them are movies, but others are books and songs and web content. Thinking about focusing on them is the scariest thing, because money is not guaranteed, you know? You can work on creative stuff for years and then you try to put it out and people just don’t like it. And so this is why sometimes it takes so long for people like me to really focus on their creative ideas, especially when we don’t have someone sponsoring us and we need money for stuff.
So, Allah, You told me to Trust You this morning. You told me to Trust that You are going to provide for me, and get to the business of becoming an expert in my field. Get to the business of doing my work.
And so I will. This job is not the way. It was. It opened the flow of income and had me back connected with the outside world. I was nervous at first and I wasn’t used to working with people.
-Stay connected, You say. But get connected in a way that moves you in the direction that Your Spirit is leading you. Reach out to the people I have told you to reach out to. Trust me Now. Trust me Now. You will be teaching others how to have faith after they have lost much. You will be healing many. But first you must heal yourself. First you must learn the lesson yourself. And this is the last lesson. This is the most challenging one, because We are scratching on the doorway of your heart. We are entertaining your deepest dreams and there is no guarantee that anything will happen. There is no guarantee that some wonderful man for you exists if you pass up the ones who are courting you now. There is guarantee that your creative work will be well received. There is no guarantee that any of the inspiration you are receiving is coming from a Divine source. So what will you do with no guarantees?
-Look at it this way. What exactly do you have to lose? What is your fear?
I will be an old woman with no family and no children who never accomplished anything.
-But you have accomplished much already.
But it was a long time ago.
-Do you believe that you will give your all in the direction that You are guided and nothing will come of it?
No.
-Well then, let Us do an experiment. You have nothing to lose right now. You made enough money to pay off your most pressing debt. Now, will you trust Me a bit? Let us focus on all the things you are guided to do. Let us do them. And see what happens. You did this before, and the results were staggering. And a man derailed you and you lost faith in Me. But let Us try again. You understand men better now. You understand Love better now. You are more discerning now and you understand the concepts of faith and commitment. Let us try again. There are no guarantees on this path, but on the other path, you are guaranteed to never reach your heart’s desire.
-So shall we? Shall we give our lives to the Great Calling that beckons our Soul? Shall we move towards the Truth of our being now, even when there are no guarantees? Are you ready, Laydie? Are you willing?
Yes, Yes, and Yes. YES…. Yes.
Ameen.
Day 410
No Guarantees
I want to write a poem, but I can not find one in me. You see, I am in Love, but my Love doesn’t have a face, and so I am missing him.
It has been over a year since my body fell sick, and the crash and burn came alongside the crash and burn of the last relationship I had, a three month escapade with The Old Prophet. I had expected so much of him, because he prayed a lot and went to my spiritual center and read a lot of books. He said that he wanted me to be his baby mamma. He wanted me to move in with him. At the time, my car wasn’t working, and when I asked him for a ride to the airport, he said I was too needy. When my body fell sick and I was having nightmares and visions of dark things and I thought I was going to die, he told me that I had a lot of drama in my life.
And for some reason, even though I wasn’t really in love with him, I was heart broken by the way he had treated me. I was traumatized, actually.
His was the straw that broke my emotional back. I was so disappointed with men. I was so disappointed with myself. And at the time, people close to me were coming to me telling me stories of their painful relationships… It was all too much. I’ve never been much of an escapist, but I just didn’t want to deal with all the sad things in the world.
I was tired, and quite frankly, I couldn’t take it anymore. The smallest thing, even being in the energy of a really disturbed person, would make me fall apart. It would make my head hurt. It would make me exhausted. Doctors couldn’t quite diagnose my physical ailment, and I realized that doctors were a disappointment, too.
And so I turned to You, God, and we have gotten to know each other very well over the past year. And I don’t know how I have lived all this time without turning to You… I am grateful to be alive.
A beautiful little baby is standing in her crib, looking at me and talking baby talk right now. She is my sweet one-year-old niece. She is an expert at hugs and she’s the most well-behaved baby I’ve ever met…
I started working a job last week. The first nine to five I’ve worked in over a year. It’s an office job and I’m way overqualified for it, but that’s OK. It pays money and the people are nice and accommodating. I will finally be able to pay off some debts and buy stylish clothes and go to the doctor that I need to go to.
Life is looking up. The best thing, though, is how I feel on the inside. Things are clear. I don’t have any dysfunctional relationships. There is mutual respect and Love between the handful of people in my inner circle. I still want to beat the sh*t out of my sister’s lying, abusive man, but as time passes, I know I will find it in me to let others live the lives they choose. A part of me wants to swoop her away and show her how it feels to truly be able to trust that someone will be True to you and Good to you, but I can’t.
I was young once. And, more than once, I have fallen in Love with men who cheated on me. My first love had a secret wife and child in another country. (He had the baby and got married after he and I had become a couple and kept it hidden from me for years). When he finally told me what he had done, I didn’t leave him. He was my soul mate and I Loved him. He had had a hard life and he had gone away to the army and he was alone and a woman was nice to him while I was being mean to him. I blamed myself for his actions. I rationalized and justified all of the reasons why he would do what he did. And he said sorry and said he wouldn’t do it again and played Sade’s song “Ordinary Love” and called it our song, and told me to come home. And I did. I stayed. After he pulled my hair out and choked me and broke the windshield of my car my smashing his fist on the dashboard because I had smiled too big at another man. I stayed. After he went to jail for carrying a gun and selling drugs. I stayed. After I found out that he had lied about divorcing his wife. I stayed. After I realized that he was a drug and alcohol abuser. I stayed. After I loaned him money and he decided that because I had talked to him in a way he didn’t like, he wasn’t going to pay me back. I stayed. After he got mad at me and broke the engine of my car so that I couldn’t go to my new teacher job. I stayed. After he flirted with some lady who looked like his wife right in front of my face. I stayed when he told me that I wasn’t a woman…
I didn’t know any better, you see. I had never really witnessed a good relationship. I mean, I had heard about this fantasy of men treating you good and being trustworthy, but no one I knew had a father that was good to their mother, and none of my friends had ever been in a good relationship. From where I come from, it was an accomplishment just to have a man who said he wanted to marry you.
I never told my family what was up. When my older sister confronted my man about disrespecting me, I got mad at her, not him… And so I can’t judge anyone for being in any kind of relationship. Because I have been there.
And people on the outside would see me and wonder what a girl like me was doing with a guy like him. But I never thought those thoughts. The chord between us was deep.
Eventually, he went away for a while. Went to jail in another state for driving with marijuana… And I was free. I started reading Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” and everything changed. She had this phrase. “I Love Myself, Therefore…” and I kept repeating it. I Loved myself, therefore I didn’t date men who cheated on me… I began eating healthy. I joined a dance group. I excelled at my teaching job. I had fun with friends I trusted. I made money and helped people. By the time my dude came out of jail, I was all loved up. And when he came to visit and just wanted to sit in the house all day and try to hit on me, I wasn’t interested. And when he took my car out that day and promised to bring it back by a certain time, yet didn’t, and didn’t even apologize for it, it wasn’t ok with me. “I Love myself, therefore I don’t trust people who don’t keep their word,” I told myself.
And I went out to a party while he was running the streets with my car. When I came back home, he was at my apartment mad and drunk. He started yelling at me. And then he did the thing that he never should have done. He called me a bitch. Yep. But even that didn’t make me want to leave. He started talking about my daddy! And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Nobody talks about my daddy. I cursed him out. And I cursed out his momma and his daddy and everyone he ever loved. And he was furious. I ran to my room and locked the door. Immediately I called my female friend and told her to come check on me if I didn’t call her back in fifteen minutes. I told her my boyfriend was going crazy. And then he picked the lock. He was yelling and cursing and charging at me and threatening me, telling me all the horrible things he was going to do to me. I told him I was calling the cops. I picked up the phone and he snatched it from my hand and slammed it back on the receiver.
And then he yelled more and right as he charged at me again, the phone rang. “Hello officer,” I said. It was my friend Tiffany on the other line. “Officer he just charged at me,” I said. And then my ex left… A seven year dysfunctional relationship was finally over.
And more than seven years later, the scars have finally healed. I can write about my past like it was just a story. I can drop a few tears and wish my ex the best. I can be grateful for the wisdom that I gained from being with him…
I have been blessed to know men who don’t hurt me since then. Wonderful men who sacrificed their time and life to help me heal and didn’t ask for anything. Truthful men who I could trust. Men whose words mean something. Brilliant men who have protected me and encouraged me. Men who are just not interested in cheating and men who are too principled to abuse a woman or use her or abandon her. They are real. I know these men exist, so I could never be with a man like my ex again.
It’s not that he was a bad man. Bad and good are all relative. He was brilliant and funny and passionate and strong. But he was either not ready or not able to have the kind of love he desired, and I wasn’t willing to be with a man who talked about my daddy. lol.
I don’t know why I stayed with him so long. And I don’t know what finally made me leave. I think maybe that I stayed with him because I just didn’t realize how bad he was, lol! I didn’t know what to expect from a relationship and I didn’t believe that all those beautiful relationships that I had seen on movies and fairytales could be real…
I don’t know why I told you that story. I guess I wanted to get it off my chest. I guess I wanted you to know that I know about these Love things. I know how a person could be with someone who hurts them. You hope and pray that they will stop. You hope that one day you will wake up and they will wake up and you will be able to cash in on all of the good promises that they made to you. I get it. And I also get the fact that most people mean the good things that they say when they say them… Eventually we all find our way. Sometimes it takes lifetimes…
For now, though, I am in Love. With the idea of Love. I am in Love with the possibilities of Life. I am the me before the heartbreak, the innocent girl who believes that relationships can be good. I am the wise woman who has learned the art of discernment. And I am the Beautiful soul who knows that this adventure can be a Glorious one, if we choose it so… Thank You, God.
Ameen.
Day 409
Love.
Ok. This is my last try. I have been trying to get a posting up for over two weeks now, and every time I start, I just get writer’s block. Like, it’s not going in any direction I want to go.
I am going to close my eyes. Because I’m going to post something today, God.
Let’s start at the beginning. Why am I here? Writing my way out of depression. I’m not really depressed anymore. Writing my way to the other side of depression, which is rebuilding/creating a life that you like living. The Renaissance.
Good.
So where are we now?
We are at the empty place. The beginning of creation. We have been uprooting weeds for some time. There were so many. And even now, there are pieces of pain embedded in the cellular memory of the soil I call my life. There is a massage needed. A reprogramming. The soil is not quite ready for the planting of these new seeds of life. It needs more water. More sun. A little more tilling. A few deeps weeds that were hiding deep within need an uprooting.
This is where we are in life. We are getting ready for the planting. About a month’s worth of consistent preparation, followed by a planting of beautiful seeds, should reap the beginnings of a wonderful harvest by January.
I have brought myself here without even knowing it. You have brought me here. To prepare. And to plant the seeds that will set the tone for the rest of my life. Thank you, God.
I am in Hawaii. I will be here until January. I just made that decision as I’m writing. As I’m writing, I’m realizing that everything is working out just fine. I am living a fairy tale. Somehow, something in me knows that the ending is more beautiful than I think it will be. I am in Hawaii, for goodness sake. Where my mom cooks every day and my sisters surround me with their strength and beauty. The little ones keep you present and remind you to be where you are. You have no choice but to be with them when you are with them… I am grateful.
You are whispering to my Spirit about money and about art. I am an artist, huh? Am I J.K. Rowling? Or Maya Angelou? I have work to do, like them, You say. And like them, I have been to the bottom and explored the lows of humanity for myself, and I can talk about it now. I am qualified. Soon, I will be qualified to talk about the highs as well.
You say that my King has been waiting patiently for me to recognize who I am and be my True self, my best self. And once I am ready, once I say the word, he will be by my side to continue on this journey called life.
-Be encouraged. I did not plant the Dream of your life deep in your soul so that you will not realize it. You have reached out to Me, and I have come to set You free. And free You must be. Be encouraged. It easier than you think. It does not have to be tears and struggle. It does not have to be sad. Practice smiling now. Practice joy now. Shine light upon the empty soil and burn away the remnants of pain. Wash it with pure water. Let the air dance on its surface. Offer Love whenever you can until it becomes Your way.
For surely, this is your way. Do not concern yourself with those who will misunderstand. You understand. You know your reasons… Close your eyes and see yourself as I see you… Find the path that will lead you home and walk it.
Close your eyes… Where are you now? What is the need for the garden of your life? Is it time to uproot weeds so that life may blossom? Does the empty soil need to be tilled, nourished and prepared for a new planting? Is it time to plant seeds? Is now the moment to enjoy the sunshine while your garden grows or is now the moment that the harvest must be reaped less it rot?
It is all a matter of perception. Life can be a lovely adventure if we choose to see it that way.
With Love,
Laydie
Day 408
Garden Things
