Hi.
Not sure what to write about today, but want to write. Wrote a blog about men and deleted it. It wasn’t for me. I was writing for an audience.
I want to go back to writing as if no one is reading. It’s an interesting experiment. If no one was reading this, what would I write my journal about today?
God, I would tell you about all of these crazy feelings that I had yesterday. So many in one day. But they are gone now, so I’ll let them be. Sorrow remains, though. A sense of loss. Death. I have let go of my last lingering attachments to men of the past. I have told them all no, and I have let go of the ones who I wanted who told me no… And nothing remains in this emptiness but fear… What will I do now? Now that I have no job, no man from the past, nothing blocking me from doing and being all that I said I would be and do?
What if I’m not good enough? What if I can’t do it? What if that dream man doesn’t exist? Or worse, what if he does exist but he doesn’t want me? Allah, I am looking for the faith that I will need to move forward. Because it is so much easier to go back to a life that I at least understand.
Make me Myself, please. Let me live the life that I am. Let me be courageous enough to move forward into the unknown. I am almost there and sometimes it feels like I am already there and other times it feels like I am so far away. Let me know the Truth. Let me be the Truth. Surely it is possible to grow with ease. Surely it is possible for me to traverse this part of my life with confidence and faith and joy and strength. Surely I can release the past and not fall apart.
I would like to be me now. I would like to be Brave and Strong and Confident and Beautiful. I would like to be a woman of Integrity, who does what she says she is going to do. I want to release all of these doubts now and see them as the devils that they are. I want to do the things that I came to Hawaii to do. Now. There is no more time for fear. There is no more time blame. There is no more time for talk without action. There is no more time for anything but Love.
And so, I am coming to You, God, with my choices, and I am asking for your Blessing. Take me over completely. I am willing to grow. I am choosing to grow. I am choosing to move forward and stand up boldly in the Truth of all that am. And it is OK with me if I’m more than I thought I am. And it’s even OK if I’m less than I thought I am…
I just realized something. Here is where I get it from. Here is where I find courage. Here with You. When I can talk to you like this, when I can tell you my fears, when I can get it all off my chest, You talk back to me. And you tell me what to do. And you give me the visions and the Guidance that will take me to the next step. And You give me comfort… The fog clears and I am able to take another step. Thank you…
I’m already me, aren’t I? I’m on some next level stuff. I have done a lot of clearing. Really I have done some extraordinary clearing…
My mom just called me away to talk about some stuff. I did something I usually don’t do. I just listened. When I felt inclined to think judgmental thoughts or give advice, I just let go of those thoughts and listened…
I am becoming a better person, a stronger person, a more Loving person. My courage is here in my prayers. In my conversations with You, I find the Truth again and I get a boost that helps me remember which direction to go. The fears fall away and I am renewed with the faith to keep taking the actions that you have led me to take. Let’s see what happens. If I do everything that You have led me to do. Everything. Let’s see what happens…
Ameen.
Day 413
On Finding Courage
I keep writing all these long blogs and then deleting them. It’s amazing how many different thoughts pass through your mind in just an hour.
I had an anxiety attack about an hour ago and was afraid of all the change that is happening, and now I’m not. About an hour ago I tried to make an appointment with a doctor out here to get some treatment and was told I couldn’t get an appointment for two weeks. And ten minutes ago they called me to say they had a cancellation and that I can come in tomorrow…
I don’t pretend to understand any of it, although I know that cause must have some relationship to effect and intention must have some relationship to action and reaction.
This is it, though. This is my second chance at life, or maybe more accurately, this is my second life. I know it like I know my own name. This is my rebirth. What do I want to remember about this? What do I want to say about this part?
Make no mistake. It is horrifying. But that doesn’t have to be all of it. I quit my job. Yes, I did. I turn in the keys to my office tomorrow morning. And now I’ve set myself up so that the only way I can make money is to do the things that I’ve always wanted to do, or get with some dude who will give me money, which is also one of the things I’ve always wanted to do. I kind of want to do the things I’ve always wanted to do regardless of a man, though.
For about a month now, I have had all of my needs met. There has been no worrying about food. There has been no worrying about where I will sleep. There have been no heartbreaks or major disappointments. There has been fresh air and stability. My family that I live with has started being authentic and loving towards each other for the first time in a very long time. My coworkers have been kind to me. There have been no meanies trying to plot and manipulate. There has been a smiling, open-toothed baby hugging me whenever I come home.
What did I do to deserve this, Allah? I must have done something good at some point in my life…
What I would like to remember about this time in my life, what I would like to document, is this moment. This day. It is the day that I realized how fluid life is. One moment you are in despair, and the next you are in ecstasy. I want to remember the trees blowing in the wind and the mother bird feeding her chicks under the awning of the roof of the Hawaii State Library. I want to remember knowing that everything passes. Even this blissful moment will pass. And yet, every experience is just as real as the next.
In this moment, I have found a friend in Grace. I have found a friend in Truth. And even as I am breaking down and having anxiety attacks full of fear, I know that Grace and Truth are not too far off and they will be there for me shortly.
Break my heart open, Lord. On this day, I truly believe in You. I have seen too many miracles to deny Your existence… They will say that I did everything from the power of my own mind, and they can say whatever they like. They have a right to their perception. But I say that I believe in You. I believe in a Power beyond my own mind. I believe in a synchronicity beyond my control. And I also believe that my will and my choices play a part in how my life ends up. There is a relationship constantly unfolding between me and these trees, between me and my family… Even between me and my thoughts.
And there is a Grace and a Love that can trump all fear and all pain and all bitterness and anxiety. I know it exists because I am experiencing it right now as I write these words. Although I feel afraid, something More than me pushes me to keep going. Keep writing. Keep Loving. Keep trying to be Peace. Keep saying sorry. Keep forgiving. Keep believing that people can be good. Keep believing that I can be good. Keep getting up…
Today I believe that it is worth it to at least keep trying to get up. Today I believe. Period. There is so much more than me happening in this world. I grab hold of what I can and let the rest grab hold of me. I surrender, God. I surrender to the evolution taking place. Today is the day I believe in You. Yes. I believe in You… Ameen.
Day 412
The Day I Believed In God
I want to tell you something. I just wrote a bit of a blog and deleted it. Because I want to tell you something.
There is a way. To happiness. Oh, I know you won’t believe me until you see that I have all the things in my life that you think happy people are supposed to have. But I am telling you now. There is a way.
I have been dealing with fear. I checked my bank account and started second guessing whether or not I really wanted to quit my job. Two people who I had reached out to thinking they would help with advice and guidance did not respond to me. And so I wondered if it’s a good idea for me to take action on all these random inspirations that I have, or whether I should just be systematic and work and save some money and pay off debts and then in about a year, I would have payed off everything and maybe gone to the doctors and I would be better.
I prayed about it, but my Spirit was not accepting this work for a year systematic thing. My Spirit was ready to move forward now… And there is no end to this story. I am writing it as I experience it, for I don’t know what will happen next. I only know that this is my testimony in the making. This is me stepping out on faith and daring to declare that I am a master artist and a master healer and I am going to live my life as if I know who I am.
I thought about what has been keeping my back all this time, and it was always a relationship: man, family, friend. Always something to weigh on my joy. Always something to thwart my enthusiasm and passion. And when I begin teaching and initiating healing programs, we will deal with relationships first. It is possible to have outer success while participating in dysfunctional relationship dynamics, but somehow I think that inner peace and success are the only sustainable things. Somehow it all seems interconnected and I don’t know how long a body can be harmonious when a mind and environment are out of balance.
There is a clearing that must take place. There is cleaning needed. We have stored so much gunk. We have created so much pain. We have lied to ourselves and to others so much that we don’t even recognize the Truth.
But the Truth still recognizes us, and It is forever willing to accept us when we decide to come home to it.
I am going to trust You, Allah. You said to give my all. You said to let go of it all and forgive it all and say sorry and I have done the work with my relationships. And I am sorry. And Lord knows that for the most part, I didn’t mean much harm. But sometimes I did. Sometimes I wanted to teach people lessons and sometimes I wanted people to suffer for the wrong they had done to me or the wrong they had done to people I Love…
But I know now, that it is not up to me to punish, and if I want to teach lessons, I can go back to the classroom and teach people who have agreed that they want to learn from me.
I am learning how to be in the world, and I am Loving this part of the journey. Thank you. Every now and then I meet another who has decided to remove all the debris from their hearts and I am always excited to know that there are magical people on this Earth.
There are radiant beings who have found the joy and the passion and the light underneath all of the heaviness that has accumulated. And they have done the work to unearth it and gift the world with their work and their presence and ideas and their very being. And they are doing the work still, constantly evolving. Constantly growing. Constantly giving of themselves, and being gracious enough to receive. I want to be amongst those beings.
I am willing now, and for the first time in a long, I feel like I am able. I found a little bit of joy in my belly and I found passion in my bones. And I will feed them until they take over my life… Yes. I will feed them.
Ameen.
Day 411
The Bellows
I had an epiphany this morning. I want to capture it in writing before it leaves me.
So… As you know, I’ve been struggling with different life things for quite some time. This morning it felt like there was an opening, like the clouds parted and I could see things very clearly.
I saw my life. I am in Hawaii right now. Yesterday made one month since I’ve been here. I got a job a week ago. An admin job with never-ending work. It’s the first job I’ve worked in over a year. I am glad to have a flow of income, but I am still not 100% healthy, so after work, I feel very tired, and most days I don’t do much when I get home besides talk to my family and go to sleep.
I mentally went over my goals this morning. Why did I come to Hawaii? I came here to get my life right and start moving in the direction of my heart’s desire. I wrote things down. I am supposed to be aligning myself with the Truth of my life, purifying and nourishing my body, mind and Spirit, refining my gifts, skills, and talents in order to prepare for my Divine life’s work, and creating a space for a Loving partner to come into my life. As far as actions go, I am supposed to be finished polishing my two feature films and start pitching them by the end of this year, and I am supposed to create a source of passive income and start paying off all my debts. Next year, I am supposed to shoot at least one of my films and go overseas to contribute to the help the international people project that I started a couple of years ago.
Now how am I going to go from here to there? Especially when I have the limitation of not being fully healthy and not having all of my energy? It’s like my energy runs on a battery these days. I plan to do certain things and then at some point, my battery just runs out, whether or not I’ve accomplished what I wanted to do in a day. I used to be able to push myself to finish things whether or not I was tired, but these days, it’s like I just can’t go any further once my battery runs out.
So, before I came to Hawaii, I made a list of things I would need in order to accomplish my goals:
-A stable living environment
-Low stress/emotional stability
-Income
-Practice as a writer/director.
I think I will also need to go and see a doctor, because I want my energy to go back to normal and I think it’s possible if I get the right kind of treatment/supplements.
So there you have it. This morning I was trying to figure out how I’m going to accomplish my goals, especially when I work a job that takes up most of my time and I have very little energy to do anything after work, but I need income… I didn’t have any good ideas. What could I do that wouldn’t make me too tired so that I could still focus on my writing and practice film stuff. And then I had an epiphany.
What if I could make money doing the film stuff that I Love to do? I know this is a no brainer, but I’ve never really tried it. What if someone could actually give me money to make my movie next year? Like, that’s what professionals do. People pay them to write and make movies. What would I have to do in order for people to pay me to write and make movies? Well, I would have to be good at writing and making movies. I’m all right right now, but honestly, I have the potential to be extraordinary.
But how would I make money? Like, this month? While I am practicing and getting better at my craft?
I prayed… And an idea started formulating in my head. And this is such a huge deal because it had never happened before! I saw myself making my movies! And being payed for it. And I saw how! And it was simple. Just focus on the doing the projects that I’ve already conceived. I have several projects. Some of them are movies, but others are books and songs and web content. Thinking about focusing on them is the scariest thing, because money is not guaranteed, you know? You can work on creative stuff for years and then you try to put it out and people just don’t like it. And so this is why sometimes it takes so long for people like me to really focus on their creative ideas, especially when we don’t have someone sponsoring us and we need money for stuff.
So, Allah, You told me to Trust You this morning. You told me to Trust that You are going to provide for me, and get to the business of becoming an expert in my field. Get to the business of doing my work.
And so I will. This job is not the way. It was. It opened the flow of income and had me back connected with the outside world. I was nervous at first and I wasn’t used to working with people.
-Stay connected, You say. But get connected in a way that moves you in the direction that Your Spirit is leading you. Reach out to the people I have told you to reach out to. Trust me Now. Trust me Now. You will be teaching others how to have faith after they have lost much. You will be healing many. But first you must heal yourself. First you must learn the lesson yourself. And this is the last lesson. This is the most challenging one, because We are scratching on the doorway of your heart. We are entertaining your deepest dreams and there is no guarantee that anything will happen. There is no guarantee that some wonderful man for you exists if you pass up the ones who are courting you now. There is guarantee that your creative work will be well received. There is no guarantee that any of the inspiration you are receiving is coming from a Divine source. So what will you do with no guarantees?
-Look at it this way. What exactly do you have to lose? What is your fear?
I will be an old woman with no family and no children who never accomplished anything.
-But you have accomplished much already.
But it was a long time ago.
-Do you believe that you will give your all in the direction that You are guided and nothing will come of it?
No.
-Well then, let Us do an experiment. You have nothing to lose right now. You made enough money to pay off your most pressing debt. Now, will you trust Me a bit? Let us focus on all the things you are guided to do. Let us do them. And see what happens. You did this before, and the results were staggering. And a man derailed you and you lost faith in Me. But let Us try again. You understand men better now. You understand Love better now. You are more discerning now and you understand the concepts of faith and commitment. Let us try again. There are no guarantees on this path, but on the other path, you are guaranteed to never reach your heart’s desire.
-So shall we? Shall we give our lives to the Great Calling that beckons our Soul? Shall we move towards the Truth of our being now, even when there are no guarantees? Are you ready, Laydie? Are you willing?
Yes, Yes, and Yes. YES…. Yes.
Ameen.
Day 410
No Guarantees
I want to write a poem, but I can not find one in me. You see, I am in Love, but my Love doesn’t have a face, and so I am missing him.
It has been over a year since my body fell sick, and the crash and burn came alongside the crash and burn of the last relationship I had, a three month escapade with The Old Prophet. I had expected so much of him, because he prayed a lot and went to my spiritual center and read a lot of books. He said that he wanted me to be his baby mamma. He wanted me to move in with him. At the time, my car wasn’t working, and when I asked him for a ride to the airport, he said I was too needy. When my body fell sick and I was having nightmares and visions of dark things and I thought I was going to die, he told me that I had a lot of drama in my life.
And for some reason, even though I wasn’t really in love with him, I was heart broken by the way he had treated me. I was traumatized, actually.
His was the straw that broke my emotional back. I was so disappointed with men. I was so disappointed with myself. And at the time, people close to me were coming to me telling me stories of their painful relationships… It was all too much. I’ve never been much of an escapist, but I just didn’t want to deal with all the sad things in the world.
I was tired, and quite frankly, I couldn’t take it anymore. The smallest thing, even being in the energy of a really disturbed person, would make me fall apart. It would make my head hurt. It would make me exhausted. Doctors couldn’t quite diagnose my physical ailment, and I realized that doctors were a disappointment, too.
And so I turned to You, God, and we have gotten to know each other very well over the past year. And I don’t know how I have lived all this time without turning to You… I am grateful to be alive.
A beautiful little baby is standing in her crib, looking at me and talking baby talk right now. She is my sweet one-year-old niece. She is an expert at hugs and she’s the most well-behaved baby I’ve ever met…
I started working a job last week. The first nine to five I’ve worked in over a year. It’s an office job and I’m way overqualified for it, but that’s OK. It pays money and the people are nice and accommodating. I will finally be able to pay off some debts and buy stylish clothes and go to the doctor that I need to go to.
Life is looking up. The best thing, though, is how I feel on the inside. Things are clear. I don’t have any dysfunctional relationships. There is mutual respect and Love between the handful of people in my inner circle. I still want to beat the sh*t out of my sister’s lying, abusive man, but as time passes, I know I will find it in me to let others live the lives they choose. A part of me wants to swoop her away and show her how it feels to truly be able to trust that someone will be True to you and Good to you, but I can’t.
I was young once. And, more than once, I have fallen in Love with men who cheated on me. My first love had a secret wife and child in another country. (He had the baby and got married after he and I had become a couple and kept it hidden from me for years). When he finally told me what he had done, I didn’t leave him. He was my soul mate and I Loved him. He had had a hard life and he had gone away to the army and he was alone and a woman was nice to him while I was being mean to him. I blamed myself for his actions. I rationalized and justified all of the reasons why he would do what he did. And he said sorry and said he wouldn’t do it again and played Sade’s song “Ordinary Love” and called it our song, and told me to come home. And I did. I stayed. After he pulled my hair out and choked me and broke the windshield of my car my smashing his fist on the dashboard because I had smiled too big at another man. I stayed. After he went to jail for carrying a gun and selling drugs. I stayed. After I found out that he had lied about divorcing his wife. I stayed. After I realized that he was a drug and alcohol abuser. I stayed. After I loaned him money and he decided that because I had talked to him in a way he didn’t like, he wasn’t going to pay me back. I stayed. After he got mad at me and broke the engine of my car so that I couldn’t go to my new teacher job. I stayed. After he flirted with some lady who looked like his wife right in front of my face. I stayed when he told me that I wasn’t a woman…
I didn’t know any better, you see. I had never really witnessed a good relationship. I mean, I had heard about this fantasy of men treating you good and being trustworthy, but no one I knew had a father that was good to their mother, and none of my friends had ever been in a good relationship. From where I come from, it was an accomplishment just to have a man who said he wanted to marry you.
I never told my family what was up. When my older sister confronted my man about disrespecting me, I got mad at her, not him… And so I can’t judge anyone for being in any kind of relationship. Because I have been there.
And people on the outside would see me and wonder what a girl like me was doing with a guy like him. But I never thought those thoughts. The chord between us was deep.
Eventually, he went away for a while. Went to jail in another state for driving with marijuana… And I was free. I started reading Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” and everything changed. She had this phrase. “I Love Myself, Therefore…” and I kept repeating it. I Loved myself, therefore I didn’t date men who cheated on me… I began eating healthy. I joined a dance group. I excelled at my teaching job. I had fun with friends I trusted. I made money and helped people. By the time my dude came out of jail, I was all loved up. And when he came to visit and just wanted to sit in the house all day and try to hit on me, I wasn’t interested. And when he took my car out that day and promised to bring it back by a certain time, yet didn’t, and didn’t even apologize for it, it wasn’t ok with me. “I Love myself, therefore I don’t trust people who don’t keep their word,” I told myself.
And I went out to a party while he was running the streets with my car. When I came back home, he was at my apartment mad and drunk. He started yelling at me. And then he did the thing that he never should have done. He called me a bitch. Yep. But even that didn’t make me want to leave. He started talking about my daddy! And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Nobody talks about my daddy. I cursed him out. And I cursed out his momma and his daddy and everyone he ever loved. And he was furious. I ran to my room and locked the door. Immediately I called my female friend and told her to come check on me if I didn’t call her back in fifteen minutes. I told her my boyfriend was going crazy. And then he picked the lock. He was yelling and cursing and charging at me and threatening me, telling me all the horrible things he was going to do to me. I told him I was calling the cops. I picked up the phone and he snatched it from my hand and slammed it back on the receiver.
And then he yelled more and right as he charged at me again, the phone rang. “Hello officer,” I said. It was my friend Tiffany on the other line. “Officer he just charged at me,” I said. And then my ex left… A seven year dysfunctional relationship was finally over.
And more than seven years later, the scars have finally healed. I can write about my past like it was just a story. I can drop a few tears and wish my ex the best. I can be grateful for the wisdom that I gained from being with him…
I have been blessed to know men who don’t hurt me since then. Wonderful men who sacrificed their time and life to help me heal and didn’t ask for anything. Truthful men who I could trust. Men whose words mean something. Brilliant men who have protected me and encouraged me. Men who are just not interested in cheating and men who are too principled to abuse a woman or use her or abandon her. They are real. I know these men exist, so I could never be with a man like my ex again.
It’s not that he was a bad man. Bad and good are all relative. He was brilliant and funny and passionate and strong. But he was either not ready or not able to have the kind of love he desired, and I wasn’t willing to be with a man who talked about my daddy. lol.
I don’t know why I stayed with him so long. And I don’t know what finally made me leave. I think maybe that I stayed with him because I just didn’t realize how bad he was, lol! I didn’t know what to expect from a relationship and I didn’t believe that all those beautiful relationships that I had seen on movies and fairytales could be real…
I don’t know why I told you that story. I guess I wanted to get it off my chest. I guess I wanted you to know that I know about these Love things. I know how a person could be with someone who hurts them. You hope and pray that they will stop. You hope that one day you will wake up and they will wake up and you will be able to cash in on all of the good promises that they made to you. I get it. And I also get the fact that most people mean the good things that they say when they say them… Eventually we all find our way. Sometimes it takes lifetimes…
For now, though, I am in Love. With the idea of Love. I am in Love with the possibilities of Life. I am the me before the heartbreak, the innocent girl who believes that relationships can be good. I am the wise woman who has learned the art of discernment. And I am the Beautiful soul who knows that this adventure can be a Glorious one, if we choose it so… Thank You, God.
Ameen.
Day 409
Love.
Ok. This is my last try. I have been trying to get a posting up for over two weeks now, and every time I start, I just get writer’s block. Like, it’s not going in any direction I want to go.
I am going to close my eyes. Because I’m going to post something today, God.
Let’s start at the beginning. Why am I here? Writing my way out of depression. I’m not really depressed anymore. Writing my way to the other side of depression, which is rebuilding/creating a life that you like living. The Renaissance.
Good.
So where are we now?
We are at the empty place. The beginning of creation. We have been uprooting weeds for some time. There were so many. And even now, there are pieces of pain embedded in the cellular memory of the soil I call my life. There is a massage needed. A reprogramming. The soil is not quite ready for the planting of these new seeds of life. It needs more water. More sun. A little more tilling. A few deeps weeds that were hiding deep within need an uprooting.
This is where we are in life. We are getting ready for the planting. About a month’s worth of consistent preparation, followed by a planting of beautiful seeds, should reap the beginnings of a wonderful harvest by January.
I have brought myself here without even knowing it. You have brought me here. To prepare. And to plant the seeds that will set the tone for the rest of my life. Thank you, God.
I am in Hawaii. I will be here until January. I just made that decision as I’m writing. As I’m writing, I’m realizing that everything is working out just fine. I am living a fairy tale. Somehow, something in me knows that the ending is more beautiful than I think it will be. I am in Hawaii, for goodness sake. Where my mom cooks every day and my sisters surround me with their strength and beauty. The little ones keep you present and remind you to be where you are. You have no choice but to be with them when you are with them… I am grateful.
You are whispering to my Spirit about money and about art. I am an artist, huh? Am I J.K. Rowling? Or Maya Angelou? I have work to do, like them, You say. And like them, I have been to the bottom and explored the lows of humanity for myself, and I can talk about it now. I am qualified. Soon, I will be qualified to talk about the highs as well.
You say that my King has been waiting patiently for me to recognize who I am and be my True self, my best self. And once I am ready, once I say the word, he will be by my side to continue on this journey called life.
-Be encouraged. I did not plant the Dream of your life deep in your soul so that you will not realize it. You have reached out to Me, and I have come to set You free. And free You must be. Be encouraged. It easier than you think. It does not have to be tears and struggle. It does not have to be sad. Practice smiling now. Practice joy now. Shine light upon the empty soil and burn away the remnants of pain. Wash it with pure water. Let the air dance on its surface. Offer Love whenever you can until it becomes Your way.
For surely, this is your way. Do not concern yourself with those who will misunderstand. You understand. You know your reasons… Close your eyes and see yourself as I see you… Find the path that will lead you home and walk it.
Close your eyes… Where are you now? What is the need for the garden of your life? Is it time to uproot weeds so that life may blossom? Does the empty soil need to be tilled, nourished and prepared for a new planting? Is it time to plant seeds? Is now the moment to enjoy the sunshine while your garden grows or is now the moment that the harvest must be reaped less it rot?
It is all a matter of perception. Life can be a lovely adventure if we choose to see it that way.
With Love,
Laydie
Day 408
Garden Things
The voice rings in my head.
We have come to set you free.
We have come to set you free.
We have come to set you free.
Open eyes now.
Open arms now.
Even now as the wind howls
And ghosts surround.
Open arms
Declare
I am here to be free
Louder now
I am here to be free
From your gut
I am here
I can’t hear you.
I Am Here to Set You Free
Death eats not at your heart again.
Shine in, sun.
Shine in.
We are the saviors
Underneath
The strength is not a rock
It is not the wind
It is the Formless light
Words.
Heal
Now.
Do.
Your.
Work.
On Me.
Out of Me
I Breathe
Life back in.
I Have Come To Set Me Free.
Fear.
Must.
Die.
Do not remember who you were.
Become who you have not yet been.
The best of You.
The All of You.
I HAVE COME TO SET YOU FREE!
Truth and Love, my new friends, walk with me now
Power, come into my hips
Pouring out
Pouring in.
Life, I summon you in my hands and in my feet.
Take me forth with vibrancy.
Now, even.
Even, now.
I have come to set me free.
God!
I shall know You yet.
I shall know You yet.
I choose You.
I talk you.
I Be You.
You have come to set me Free…
Day 407
Freedom Song
Good day World,
I have been up since three this morning praying, meditating, and stretching. I love it when I wake up like this and get things done.
Yesterday was particularly challenging. All of my hard work with relationship building seemed to have fallen apart. Just after I had made a concerted effort to be at peace with my sis and her man, someone reached out to me and gave me information about them that was very unsettling. And I had to tell my sis. I was nervous. I was shaking. I had thought that all of the drama was finally over. There were lies coming from several directions and someone was going to have to sort through them to find out the truth. And even though I have a lot of experience in cornering liars and busting them, I knew that this time, I could not tell my sis what to do or how to do it or who to believe or how to find out the truth. I just had to tell her what I knew and let her take responsibility for the rest.
This is called growing up. I also met and spoke with Sir Deplier yesterday. Earlier this month, I had spoken to him about our relationship. I know, he doesn’t make it to the blog that much. Suffice it to say that we had had a sort of agreement that I would help him with things, but he was making my life hell by lying all the time, keeping many secrets, and trying to bully me and take all my time and energy. Before we made our agreement, I had told him in advance that I would only help him if it didn’t hurt me. But he was hurting me. Over and over. And finally he did one big thing that broke the camel’s back. And earlier this month, I told him that I wanted to end our agreement. I actually told him I wanted to end it and ended it on the same day. And so yesterday, he came to talk to me. He was miserable. He did not know how he was going to make things work without me. And he didn’t ask me to work with him again (he’s too proud for that), but he did say, “I thought you wanted to help me. I trusted you. I thought you were going to make my life better, not worse.” I didn’t respond to his comments and he soon left. But I thought about it afterwards.
He was right. I had wanted to help him. In Truth, my Spirit had been called to help him, regardless of whether or not he was an asshole, but I didn’t want to help him in the way I had been helping him anymore. Because it was hurting me.
And I was confused about this whole “my brother’s keeper” concept. How far does it go and what exactly does it mean? I didn’t know if I should have done more with my sis’s situation or with Sir Deplier’s situation, but I did know that if I continued to be intimately tied to the stressors in their lives, then their stressors would become my stressors. And then I would be lying on a floor unable to function like I was some months ago. Perhaps I was done with trying to help people in the way I had been trying to help people, by taking on their problems and trying to solve them myself. Perhaps it was time to remove my hand and let them grow. It feels like they are my children. And I can give them advice. And I can give them help. But ultimately, they must do the hard work of evaluating themselves and evaluating their lives in order to discover what needs to be changed in order for them to have the kinds of lives they want.
I know it sounds selfish, but I want to say something about this selfish thing.
When I was little, I learned that selfish was one of the worst things that a human being could be. I don’t know if anyone ever told me this, but it was just common knowledge in our household. And somewhere, I picked up this idea that I was always supposed to help people, even if it hurt me. Even if I was weak or tired or broke or sick; even if I couldn’t breathe in the presence of my brother, I was supposed to let him live with me if he needed help. You were just supposed to help the people you professed to care about, no matter the cost to you… I spent a lot of time building these kinds of relationships: with family, friends, and men. I was the helper. It didn’t matter if people’s problems brought me a lot of stress or grief. I was strong and I could handle it. And most times, I didn’t even notice I was stressed out until my hair started falling out or until my “girls” got deflated. In most of my romantic relationships, there was a desire to stick around and help a man be the man I thought he could be. And I was mostly always stressed. And there was always a problem with someone, somewhere, to solve. And, boy, was I good at taking on people’s problems and their feelings. And the men I was dating, they would cheat or disappear or forget birthdays or lie or make promises they never kept and most of the time they wouldn’t notice if I was sick or tired, and if they noticed, they didn’t really do much to help. I remember dating a guy who always wanted to come over my house late at night (during my writing time) and he would ask me to spend time with him and distract me from my writing. And, because I felt obliged to be there for him, I would put my writing to the side to be a good girlfriend. This had been my way for some time. What was good for me just wasn’t as important as being there for others. Until my health broke down a year ago.
And God, You really know how to wake people up. As a sick person lying on the floor trying to breathe, you realize that you just don’t have the energy to help everyone. You have to use your limited reserve of energy wisely. When your hands start trembling every time you feel stressed, you realize that you can’t really afford to be stressed anymore. And your life view changes. And you realize that you can’t really do anything for anyone if you are sick and off balance. And so, staying well and changing yourself and your life so that you don’t have so many stressors becomes a priority. And although you are still wanting and willing to connect with others and help them with things, there is a limit to your involvement. If your health starts to deteriorate, then you disengage or change the relationship dynamic.
And there are times — there are people, and situations and causes worth dying for. There are times when you must sacrifice your health or your life for a greater cause because there is just no other way and Spirit has led you in that direction. But be clear about what you are sacrificing for and the cost you are willing to pay. Most times, people can solve their own problems just fine without you when given the opportunity and the responsibility.
And this is what it has taken to cure me of my addiction to stress and drama. God, You had to be like “Look, girl. I’m gon’ strike your body down if you start all that nonsense again.” And I’m OK with that. Actually, I’m glad about that. I’m learning the balance between caring for oneself and caring for others. You can do both. Selfish is not necessarily a bad word. It is OK to set boundaries so that you can be healthy and functional, and sometimes that means dealing with certain situations from a distance.
I am glad to be alive today. I am glad that I am learning how to be able to share Love with people while still Loving and honoring myself. I think I grew an inch last night. I think I can face the world now and be loving and open, and yet safe. Because I am learning to consider my well-being, too. What a concept… What a concept.
Ameen.
Day 406
This Selfish Thing
There is so much to write about. I just deleted an entire entry because I didn’t like the direction it was going. I’ll publish this one no matter what it sounds like.
You know, having an audience changes the way you write. Depending on who you think you’re writing to, your tone changes… Today, I would like to pretend that I don’t have an audience and I’m not writing for anyone in particular to read. I am writing to get what is in me out of me, so that I may be free and so that others may take what they will from my life.
Because truly, what is a life if it is not for the giving? I have been humbled. My soul has been broken open. I have already become the woman I have always wanted to be. The spaces have been cleared. My relationships with family, friends and people from my past have been set free and a foundation of Love has been planted in my Spirit. And from here, I am safe to be in the world again. Because I understand now. I have quit my mission to try and teach, save and heal everyone in my personal circle. Instead, I choose to connect. It is much easier. I choose to Love. And I choose to Love myself, too, and be true to myself…
Heaviness that I have been carrying for so long is falling away. Thank you, God. I want to be a little girl today and talk about the boy I just met. Except he is not a boy. He is a man. He’s a priest. Literally. And he’s beyond beautiful.
When I got back to Cali a little over two weeks ago, I recognized that my life here was no longer satisfactory. I needed to be around different kinds of people. My mom and Hawaii showed me what a strong impact environment has. They have such powerful love over there. It is hard to be sick in such an environment. And my mom was more loving than me. She is stronger and wiser and kinder than me, and being around her was like being injected with nourishing food every day. I realized that I don’t have that over here. Me and my sick behind was the one trying to lift the people in my personal circle up. I mean, some of them would try to lift me up and they did in certain ways. But on an energetic level, I was usually the one holding a space for Love and Peace… And I recognized that I needed food now. I needed to be around people who could lift me up as well. And I’m not talking about money and superficial stuff. It all helps. But I’m talking about deep stuff. I was looking for my people.
I was looking for the people who understand life things: the people who forgive and can be honest. The people who are strong and powerful, yet humble and kind. I was looking for the people who get jobs not because they just want money, but because they want to gift the world with something. I was looking for people who still smile from their eyes and can be happy for others’ success; people with passion and adventure in their Spirits. I was looking for people who pray and meditate because they like it. I was needing to find my people, because when I got back to Cali, for the first time in a long time, I was feeling very alone and I was wanting to be around someone who understood why it was important to walk barefoot in the grass sometimes…
I prayed about this. I didn’t know where I was going to find my people, but I did believe that You are good, God, and I believed that You would be good to me. And in a prayer, I saw the image of a man. He was a man who I had seen on stage at my spiritual center before. The leader of our center was giving him an award for the good work that he does in the world. I remember seeing him on stage early this year and immediately feeling drawn to him. I wrote his name down and then looked him up when I came home. He was a public figure of sorts and headed several community organizations. Earlier this year when I looked him up, I didn’t think much of him, but thought that maybe one day I would reach out to him and see if he could give me work. Or when my friend was living with me, I thought that maybe he could give my friend some work. But I never reached out and tried to contact him… And the other day, when I was praying about finding my people, his face came to my vision.
And so I reached out. I sent him the weirdest email ever, telling him I was looking for my people and that I thought he was one of my people. And he responded! He responded with such grace and humility and yesterday we met up for the first time… And he’s my people! And I am so happy. Heck, he might even be my husband, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that he was awesome and kind and trusting and open. We meditated together at the end of our meeting and during our meditation, I told him that i wanted to give him something. He looked at me and said, “I fully open myself to receive.” He was just so trusting, and I realized that it wasn’t me that he was trusting: he was trusting his own soul.
And when I left our meeting, my whole body was vibrating. And suddenly, I was no longer holding on to the last two men who had had a hold on my heart (Mr. Almost Famous and Dream Lover). I realized that they did not want to sit with me and open themselves fully to receiving whatever it was I had to give, and that was all there was to it. I did not have to hold them or my heart hostage any more. And it was easy to let them go. In fact, I didn’t even let them go on purpose. I just looked at my heart and realized that they had fallen away. My relationships with them were not in alignment with what I was wanting for my life now, and so it was only natural that I would finally lose interest…
That was my day yesterday… What shall I call this new guy? My People. I adore him already… I’m gonna go work on my script today and get a job. It’s time to come back to the world. I have been chastened. My spirit has been refined. There will always be more personal development needed, but I feel confident that I can Love and find Peace within myself no matter what the situation. I feel confident that You will lead in directions that are more fulfilling than I have ever imagined, God. I feel confident that as long as I am alive, I can find a safe place within myself and I feel able to approach myself and any situation with that strong, get up and live type of love.
I am grateful, God. Thank you.
Ameen.
Day 405
Journal
Lovers…
Good morning. I am at a loss for words. I called you lovers. I know. It is how I feel. In love. Full of gratitude. Motion in my bones…
Life. Reigniting in my soul. Different than before. Solid. Anything is possible. Hands. Vibrating. Heart. Pulsing. Life. Returning.
No. More. Pain…
My mother is an angel. I have never seen her beauty like this before. I am a lucky child. She is the Truth. Everything else doesn’t matter. She is Love. I want to bless her. Massage her feet. Keep her safe and let her know she is loved always.
This morning I sat on the porch with a little baby resting on my chest as she sucked her thumb. The sun shone warmly and I let it touch my body. It started to drizzle as the sun was shining and I stepped out in the soft rain. And I felt life.
There is no point or motive to this blog. I only want to dance today. I only want to share my joy. I only want to touch another being and call them lover. I have prayed for the day that I would feel Peace in my heart again. I have yearned to want to live again. I have begged that my mind would be clear and I could experience hope. Hope again. I have pined for knowledge. I have wanted to believe. In anything.
And oh, this morning. Truth is flooding my veins. Passion is reignited. I am alive! And in this instance, there is no fear. I have nothing, and it is a wonderful place to be. There are no obligations. No commitments. No restrictions. No limits on what I can be. There is nothing to lose.
God,
We have been talking for some time now. Thank You. Thank you for this moment. I know. It is only one moment where I can feel that anything is possible. But thank You for this feeling. Thank You for the sun and the rain this morning. Thank You for this beautiful island that we call Hawaii, where magic happens. Thank You for my sister and her family, who live here. Thank You for my mother, who is so wise. Thank You for all of the shackles and all of the pain that forced me to take a good, deep look at myself and start cleaning up. Thank You for the sweet children who live here and bring nothing but joy and love to me. Thank You, Allah, for me. Thank You for all parts of all parts of me…
From this place, from this feeling, We can begin to begin again. I know this is just one small moment, one little part of one day, but you see, it is epic. I didn’t know if I would ever feel alive again. I didn’t know if the heaviness would ever fall off of my heart again. And I can’t even tell you what happened or how it happened that I feel this way.
I went to a dance class, I went to the beach, the kids kiss me and hug me and love me all day long, my mom told me that she refuses to believe that I am sick and she told me to get up and be the strong vibrant, energetic, happy daughter that she knows I am. She fed me home-cooked meals and tried really hard not to be pushy or mean… The new guy I am getting to know (I met a new guy about a month ago who had just broken up with his live-in girlfriend the day before he met me. Let me tell you that story).
So I met this new guy. I actually met him through the friend of mine who was living with me and helping me get well. New Guy was a friend of a friend of my friend, and he was visiting LA from another country. So he met my friend, and then my friend thought we would hit it off, so he tricked me into meeting New Guy. He brought him over to the apartment. And we did hit it off instantly. We all went out to get some tea the night we met, and at some point, we were standing outside at a food truck, and New Guy turns to me and asks, “Can I hug you?” I said “sure” and he hugged me… And it was the most lovely hug that I’ve had in my entire life. My heart… My heart broke open. We hung out two more times before he left town, spending the whole day together both times. The second time we hung out, he said that he wanted to marry me. -_-
I ignored him, because I knew he was still shacking up with his ex and he didn’t know what he was talking about. I figured he’d disappear when he went back to his country. But he didn’t. He kept reaching out to me. He started changing his whole life. He wasn’t making much money when he met me, but after he met me and went back to his country, he started working and exercising and doing all this man stuff, saying he wanted to be able to take care of me and come back to me soon… And then the ex saw his change. And of course she started falling for him again. ‘Cus she probably didn’t like him before because he was broke and fat and wasn’t taking a leadership role. And she probably didn’t like him because he’s never uttered the word marriage in his life before he met me… So now he’s all confused. Should he choose the safe bet? The woman who he already knows? The woman who has been with him through whatever? The woman who he won’t have to change his whole life for in order to be with?
Or should he choose the wild card? Me? The one who demands everything. Complete honesty and integrity and openness and love. The one who demands that he walk the talk and be careful with his reckless words?
He called me this morning and told me about his confusion. And I know I should have been upset and been like, “What? You’re confused? Don’t you know I’m the Queen? And didn’t you already say you wanted to marry me?” But I wasn’t upset. I was grateful that he was honest with me. And I helped him and told him that I would bless him no matter what he decided. And I meant it. Because if he is the type of man that I want, then he will be wise enough to choose the woman who ignited his soul, instead of settling for the safe route. Life is funny. I don’t know how or why he hugged me and my heart came alive. Many men have hugged me before. And I don’t know why he looked at me and decided that he was finally willing and able to be all that he can be, but I know that something special happened… a gift from Above.
And Lord, I guess I am so at peace because I don’t care how things work out with him. He’s Lovely. But I am so happy because I know that if things don’t work out with him, then things will still work out with someone else. I am sure about this. I am sure because I am beginning to understand energy and I am beginning to understand the power of choice. And I am choosing, finally, to choose life from the depths of my being. I am excited about what life has in store next.
Thank you, God, for all of the angels, for all of the help, for all of the signs, for all of the love. Thank you for sparing me. Thank you for everything, even the hard parts that are helping me to be compassionate and loving and giving and gentle and kind. Thank you for ushering me into this moment. Thank you, God.
Ameen
Day 404
The Rebirth
hownottocryeveryday 