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Day 416 – Balance

December 29, 2015

Well, well, well… This is my attempt at getting balanced. I have some “me” time for about forty-five minutes, before I have to go back home to the fam. I’m at my other sister’s apartment right now. The single one who lives alone in a comfy, quiet, bright, peaceful space in the middle of town in Hawaii. I asked her if I could come here and work while she went to work…

I could have stayed here with her. She invited me to stay here about a week ago, and I was supposed to move in, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave my mom and my other sis and the kids at the other house. It felt like they needed me. I know. I am nothing, and no one really needs anyone, but my mom was pretty bad off, and sometimes it takes a person from the outside to see what’s really going on with people. She was sick. She is sick. Nothing major, but a lot of little things. Feet hurt. Legs hurt. Low-grade depression. Needing to be noticed. Needing to be Loved…

My sis does her best. She does a good job, but she has her own issues. She has two children under the age of four, and she’s in medical residency, so she works a whole lot. And she has a husband. She barely has time for her own life…

I see that it is not only me who came here to Hawaii to be healed. The people here were in need of a healing, too. And although I don’t have much to give, the things that I have to give are just the things that they needed here: a foot massage, a little more noticing of one another…

I feel super emotional and I don’t know why… So much suffering in the world. I realize that I am not so sad anymore. I mean, I get sad and discouraged sometimes. I have doubts and fears… But I see them for what they are: doubts, fears, sadness, anger. That’s all they are. They are not me. I am more than them. And I have been practicing, Allah. I have been practicing choosing other things when the doubts and the fears and the sadness try to consume me. Like now.

Thank you for this moment. Now I choose to write all of this confusion out of me. I chose to come to my sister’s place so that I could have some time alone. I chose to hire my writing coach again so I can get some help finally getting my projects out there. Thank you for making me aware of these choices, Allah.

This blog isn’t about anything today. It’s just me working out all the things in my mind so that I can be balanced when I go home. I think the time is already here: It is time to be my powerful self. I have been afraid of so much.

I was at the beach this morning. The Hawaii beach is different than the Cali beaches. There is no smoking. No loud music. It’s super clean. The water is really clear. The skies are super blue. And right next to the water, there’s the sand. And right next to the sand, there are parks and trees bordering the beach. No big stores. The vibe is different. It is as if this place were made for healing and rejuvenation. I was running in the sand at the beach and feeling my shins open up. I haven’t been able to run in so long… But I ran this morning, and I had to ask you, Allah, how I got here.

And I had to thank You. And I’m thanking You now, for bringing me here. I’m thanking you for saving me. I’m thanking you for putting a hold on my life and making everything fall apart. Yes. Thank you. I asked for it, didn’t I? I asked to start over. Why do we ask to start over and then think that everything is going to be the same? Thank you for doing a major overhaul on everything. Thank You for allowing me to help bring peace to my family and thank you for the peace and the practice they are bringing to me.

Some times it is hard not to butt into people’s lives, but I will trust You. I know that everyone is evolving at the perfect pace for them. I just wanted to touch base with You, God. I am OK with this time of my life. I will be here until I learn to find balance here, and I am learning fast. And then, no matter where I go, I will be there: a balanced woman; a happy woman; a woman who comes with peace; a woman who understands love; a strong woman; a powerful woman; a kind woman; a woman who is comfortable in her own skin; a purposeful woman; a joyful woman; a faithful believer; a committed woman.

Allah, sometimes I feel like it’s not fair for me to be so lucky. I feel like I am leaving some of my companions behind. I feel like I made it out of the darkness and they didn’t, and it’s not fair. And I want to stop going forward until they come. And I don’t want to write about good things…

And You are telling me to keep writing about good things. You never know who is reading. You are telling me to keep moving forward.
-You see, our lives are all our lives. This I have given You to do, and when you do what I have given you to do, all whom you touch are touched by Me, in their own time. In their own. You open your arms wider now. Straighten up your back. Smile as big as you can and write about it. Work about it. Dance about it. There is no shame in happiness. Don’t worry about them. They will find their own way when it is time. And you, my dear, are helping them to know that a way can be found.

This blog entry is all over the place, but so was my mind. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but whatever it was, it’s worked out now. I feel more balanced. I feel like we are back in conversation, Allah, and that’s all I need to keep moving forward and to enjoy where I’m at that. Thank you so much for this. Thank you.

Ameen.

Day 416

Balance

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