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Day 418 – Patience

January 6, 2016


I have about forty-five minutes before I have to go and do my niece’s hair. I pulled a twenty-four hour shift yesterday. I woke up at 4:30am and was busy doing stuff all the way until 4:30am this morning.

I am amazed and grateful that I was actually able to be on “go” for twenty-four hours straight. A month ago, I couldn’t have done that even if I wanted to. I saw my doctor yesterday. He’s the most awesome doctor ever. Perfect for me. He’s a classically trained chiropractor, but he’s also knowledgeable about Eastern medicine and energy medicine. Yesterday, he tested my electromagnetic field in order to find out if I had imbalances or deficiencies in the different parts of my brain. He gave me some nutritional supplements afterwards and suggested that I do a 21 day detox program, which consists of me eating different foods for twenty-one days. I’m excited about getting started…

I’m feeling a little groggy and moody right now. I sent My People a text earlier today and he didn’t respond. Sigh… Sometimes, Allah, I wish that I could just get started with my dreams already. I don’t know what My People is up to. He could be out in a forest somewhere meditating or he could be romped up with some woman or he could be sitting at home drinking tea and just deciding not to communicate with me, for all I know. I’m not upset with him, because he’s awesome and he’s never led me on or anything, but I’m just upset.

I have to go back to the world soon, but I don’t want to go back to the world by myself. And I don’t want to go back to some stupid job that pays the bills just for the sake of having a job. Last night was my sister’s birthday. And we went out to dinner with her and some of her friends. And one of the people at the dinner table was an old 65 year old lady. She works in media, but in news, not in creative stuff. I told her I was a writer and she took an interest in me and told me that the only thing I will regret in life is not following my heart. She told me to continue following my heart… I got the feeling that she had wanted to do something creative with her life once upon a time.

What happens when you follow your heart but it doesn’t get you anywhere? I love my family in Hawaii, but I would like to have a bed again and be comfy again. I would like to decorate my space for once and have flowers and paint my walls and burn incense and sing out loud in the house like I used to. I would like a husband to come home to. I know I can have friends and I will and do have friends, but I would like a husband now.

And I guess I’m frustrated because I thought You had finally sent me my husband, but he’s not ready to be with me, or he doesn’t pick me, or whatever. And I can’t dream about building a life with him because he (being the noble man that he is) hasn’t given me any rope to hang myself with. And I don’t want to wait for him to figure himself out. I don’t want to wait for twenty-one more days before I can get well and get started with the next part of my life. I want to be done already. And I want to get started with my dream life already. I want My People (or somebody) to be here getting to know me and building with me already.

What else do I have to do, God?

The good news is, even when I am feeling all frustrated and confused, I know that the moment will pass and I will have clarity and peace soon. Even as I am here writing out my frustrations, I know that they will end in a moment, and I will find You, God, right where you have always been. Here with me. So shall we skip to the clarity and peace part now?

I am here thinking about survival stuff again. How will I make money? I need to start working soon. What job should I apply for? Should I go back to LA? I can never get my mind to believe that I can make money writing and doing my projects. In the back of my mind, it’s always like, “I can do such and such job and then do my projects on the side.” It’s never like, I can make money from doing my projects. And I am afraid of LA now. The smog. The stinky streets. The warning sign at the front of my apartments that says that standing by my mailbox may cause harm to pregnant women. The opportunistic, fake people who are always more concerned about work than anything else.

I like some things about LA. I like my spiritual center. I like the fact that you can do freelance work really easy. I like that fact that there are a lot of people willing to collaborate on entertainment projects. I like my favorite park out there. And I like the way the sun shines through the windows in my apartment. I like the tree with the pink flowers right outside of my bedroom window. I don’t have many fulfilling relationships in LA, though. I don’t hug anyone from my heart like I hug my nieces and nephew in Hawaii.

The people in Hawaii are innocents. Not just my family. The culture here is warm and authentic and pure. The air is pure. The water is clean and fresh. Smiles are genuine…

Allah, I am ready now. You keep telling me to do the same thing. You keep telling me to do my projects and see what happens. You keep telling me to follow through on the ideas that I have already had. You keep telling me to keep my heart open in the direction You guide me. Don’t betray my heart. Be patient, OK. If I have done everything You have asked and things still haven’t worked out, then come talk to You again. But see what You have done? See, how I am here, in the land of healing, with the best doctor I can imagine, and Love, and support, and food and sun… and time? See where you have led me? Be patient and obedient and know that the rest is on its way.

-Just let the fears fall away. Let them. I am here changing you. I am here molding you into the leader you are destined to be. I am here humbling you. I am here refining you. I am here nourishing and purifying you like you asked. I am here. Only acknowledge me and you will see that I have always been here. Patience…


Day 418


From → The Renaissance

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