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Day 414 – More Than Pain

December 10, 2015

There is so much to write about.

But can I start with telling you about what happened today? I went to the doctor – a chiropractor out here. I had been to him once before, last week, but I don’t know if I wrote about it.

So… If you don’t know, I’ve been sick. For a long time. Over a year. At the worst of my sickness, I had zero energy. If you have never had zero energy, it will be hard for you to understand what that means. You will think that I was lazy, or depressed, or that I just needed to motivate myself to get up and do something, but that wasn’t it. I had zero energy. I literally couldn’t even get up to save my life, and at the worst of my sickness, I would just lay on the floor of my apartment and pray that I didn’t die. I couldn’t get up to eat. I couldn’t get up to go to my bed. My muscles hurt everywhere. It was really bad.

Well, I didn’t die. A friend of mine came and stayed with me and helped me get better. He cooked for me and made sure I ate healthy foods every day. He made sure I went outside and went on walks with me and was patient when I walked super slow and would have to stop and rest often. Doctors did all kinds of tests on me and diagnosed me with several musculo-skeletal conditions, but none of their treatment methods worked. I was horrified and I couldn’t do much. And on top of that, the people in my inner circle were having so many issues and reaching out to me for help, and I couldn’t help them. I didn’t know if my life was going to stay like that forever. I didn’t know if I was just gonna be a disabled woman with no energy and all these pains, who looked like a normal woman, and so most people didn’t even believe I was sick!

When the doctors would do their tests, they would gloss over some “nerve irritation” that would always show up, saying it was no big deal. Finally, I decided to do my own research. I didn’t believe in any of their diagnoses. I looked up nerve irritation and came upon a condition which seemed like exactly what I had. The medical community has not made it an “official” condition yet, and the treatment for it is relatively new and considered an “alternative” treatment method. This past March, I found a doctor in Cali who did the treatment, and I immediately starting feeling better. He was a chiropractor, and he was very expensive. All the Hollywoods went to him. I got better quick, but I couldn’t afford to see him as many times as I as supposed to. So eventually, my health reached a plateau, and I had gone from about 10% functional to roughly 65% functional. It was good enough to at least be independent, and eventually my friend/nurse left.

Fast forward to today. I hadn’t been getting better for several months, but I hadn’t been getting worse either, so I was just learning how to live at 65% functionality. But then I came to Hawaii. I got a job and worked for about a week, thinking I could it, but I couldn’t. I started getting exhausted again. My body pains started getting worse. I was getting worse… And so I sought out a doctor here. I went online and found the one doctor on this whole island who does the treatment that I need. My sis (God bless her soul) said she would help finance my recovery.

Last week, I went to Dr. Magic, a little Hawaiian man around my age, and he literally touched almost every painful spot that I have had on my body this past year or so. He knew exactly where they were just by touching me. The good news, he said, was that I was fixable. The bad news was that was a lot of fixing to be done.

I saw him for our second session today. He was primary releasing nerve entrapment in my hips and thighs. And let me tell you something… This past year, there has been a pain that goes deep, deep in my inner thigh and travels deep somewhere behind my ribs… It is so deep that I can never touch it and there are very few stretches that I can do that even come close to helping me feel some relief in those areas… Well today, he touched it. I’ve never pushed a baby out of me, so I don’t know how painful that is, but I can bet that the pain I felt today probably comes near… I screamed. I sweat. I told him that I didn’t think I could bear it as he twisted, popped, kneaded and stretched the pain out of my body… And then it was over. And now I am sitting here writing my blog. As I breathe, I feel breath going in to areas of my back that didn’t feel alive before. I feel movement in my hips.

How can I capture this feeling? The feeling of coming back to life? The feeling of opening? I can remember the moments that I started to close. I can remember the moments that my heart started to break. I can remember the moments that my muscles began assuming a defensive position and started staying that way. How can I explain? Those moments had formed solid pictures. They had become me. I had become them. All of that pain had become a solid thing within me. But in this moment, those moments, those memories, shattered like glass. They just fell apart. They were only memories. They are no longer who I am…

I am amazed at this magical doctor. All this time, there was someone in the world who could help fix me… And God, You sure do know how to teach a lesson. I am thinking about life and I am so hopeful. Sometimes it takes a while for you to find your way back to good. And some of us will bump our heads over and over again until we figure out what is wrong and how to make it right. Don’t stop trying, OK? Don’t stop trying to be better. Don’t stop trying to get well. Don’t start believing that the pain is all there is. It’s not true. It’s a lie. There is more to life than pain. Believe me. Please. There is so much more…

Ameen.

Day 414
More Than Pain

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From → The Renaissance

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