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Day 419 – Day By Day

January 14, 2016

Hey there…

It’s been a pretty challenging week. Probably the most challenging week I’ve had since I’ve been in Hawaii. I haven’t gotten much done. I don’t know how or why not.

This was my day: I woke up at 7am to the sound of mom chastising niece. Usually, I try and pray and meditate and stretch from 7a-9a, and then I start working on my writing from 9a to noon. Then after noon, I take a lunch break and rest, and I work on other stuff from 2 to five. That’s in my dream schedule.

It doesn’t seem to always work out like that unless I leave the house. If I stay in the house, it usually works out like this: I wake up at 7. If I manage to get out of the door and go to the backyard before 7:15a (before my nephew wakes up), then I can do my routine until about 11, when someone inevitably bothers me. Then, when I come in the house at anywhere in between 11 and noon, it’s anything goes. There is always someone with something going on and they want you to participate in it…

So today I woke up at 7. I did not escape to the backyard by 7:15, so my mom found me. She was mad and in a rush to drop my niece off at school. She asked me if I could get my nephew ready for daycare. So I did. I put his clothes on him and helped him brush his teeth and combed his hair. He cried about me using the wrong toothpaste and combing his hair too fast. He got an attitude about the toothpaste and I threatened to whoop him, and then he started to listen to me. He and I had both brushed our teeth by 7:50a, and then I tried to do some stretches. Right then, my mom came home from dropping off my niece.

The night before, she had told me that she had a doctor’s appointment at 9 that morning. It didn’t matter if I start work at 9. My work does not seem important, since it is not a job job. Even though I usually don’t work more than four hours in a day, I am told that I work too much. So, since my mom was going to a doctor’s appointment, she asked if I could watch my one-year-old niece. Also today, someone was supposed to be dropping off a new couch that my sis bought.

So my mom came home about 8a, had a nervous breakdown because she couldn’t find her socks or my nephew’s slippers (by nervous breakdown, I mean she started whining and complaining about her lost socks, and then when she couldn’t find nephew’s shoes, she started crying). She left around 8:30. By that time I was mad as hell. I went and warmed up the baby’s bottle, because I knew she would be waking up soon.

My other sister who lives with us was at the sister’s house who doesn’t live with us. She usually watches the babies in the morning, and she was supposed to have been home this morning, but she was at my other sister’s house and hadn’t told anyone when she was coming home. I sent her a mean and angry text for not being here and for being at my sanctuary. She responded with a mean and angry text. Then the baby woke up. It’s about 8:45 now. Right when the baby woke up, the furniture people showed up. So I went downstairs real quick and let the furniture people in. Then I went upstairs and got the baby. I fed her her milk while the folks set up the couch. They left around 8:55. Then I changed baby’s diaper and got done right at 9a, which is when my writing coach called.

I was mad and frustrated. My minimum daily amount for writing is fifteen minutes a day, but I almost always write longer than that. Today, my coach told me to write for fifteen minutes. I took out my paper (I’m mapping out character arcs right now), but I was so frustrated I couldn’t write anything. I just stared into space. Fifteen minutes passed, and I had written two lines. My writing coach called me back and we did a therapy session, releasing mental blocks… Done around 10:15a.

Then the baby wanted to play. She wanted me to read her a book and when I didn’t, she threw a temper tantrum. I gave her some food, played with her, read her a book and put her to bed for her nap. 11:00a. I had an appointment for a job at 1p. I knew my mom would be coming home from her doctor’s appointment any minute, so I took some time to meditate and said loud “Ommmmm’s” before mom got home. She arrived right after I had gotten done saying my tenth “Om”. Talk talk talked about her doctor’s appointment. 11:40a. Had to leave house by 12:30p in order to make 1:00 appointment. Legs needed shaving. Hair needed washing. Got dressed. 12:32. Left house.

Made it to appointment right on time. Done by 1:30p. Hungry. Hadn’t eaten all day. Didn’t want to go home. Wanted to go to beach/park and work, but left my computer at home. !!!! Needed to get balanced. Spirit out of whack. Sad. Mad. Annoyed. Not feeling in control of much. Need space. Space. Space. Time. Needed time to breathe. I just want to get my work done. I just want to get well. Put beach on GPS. At least I could go there and meditate until I felt balanced. Read my books until I see something that will stop me from getting lost in this downward spiral of negative emotions.

On the way to beach. Passed by restaurant called SEEDS. Sounds good. Healthy. Pulled over. Hidden food complex. Jamaican restaurant right next to SEEDS. Looked at both menus. Jamaican seemed better. Went to Jamaican restaurant. Ate. Jamaican restaurant looked like restaurant that Dream Lover’s cousin owns. Memories. I Loved him so much. We used to be in his cousin’s restaurant just dancing in front of everyone. Having a good time. Natural. He told everyone I was his wife. And you tell me he had a secret life? You tell me he had a secret kid? Why? Why, God? I went to his Facebook page. None of it even mattered. I didn’t even care about his secret life or his secret kid. I forgive you, I thought. I Loved you so much. I haven’t danced with anyone I love since you, and it has been years, I thought. We were not supposed to end the way we ended, with a disappearing act… I was going to send him a Facebook message, but when I went to type, I saw the previous messages I had sent him. Years ago. They had never been read. I saw the friend request I had sent at least a year ago. It had never been accepted. It had been years, God, since I’ve had a real Love. Random heartbreak punched me in the chest. Not gonna cry at restaurant. Left.

2:30p. Nephew’s car seat is in the car I’m driving. They need it to pick him up by 5p. I need to be home by 4:30p… Sigh…

Headed home. Will go to neighborhood park and chill out. Arrive at neighborhood park. . Text mom and tell her I’ll be home by 4p. 3p now. Turn off car. Breathe. Cry… I don’t know why. I wish I was done with stuff. I wish I could make a daily schedule and stick to it. I wish I had a space of my own where I wasn’t bothered and I could just do what I want to do in a day. I wish I was well already and I didn’t have to worry about my energy just giving out at any moment when I have stuff to do. I have to go back to LA soon to handle some business. There is nothing in LA for me. My sis is pregnant and will need a friend. My friend, who nursed me back to life, is sick and doesn’t think anyone in the world can help him but me. Wants to live with me and be where I am until he gets well. I have no money to support folks with…

There is no food for me. There is no one to nourish me. People try, and they help a bit, but they are mostly too sick themselves. Unresolved rage. Denial issues. Demons surrounding their energy field. Undiagnosed chronic depression. No one believes in energy fields. No one believes in demons. No one believes in intuition. No one believes in being guided by one’s heart.

No one understands that anything good or true that ever happened to me only happened when I followed my heart and intuition.

Sat in my car and cried. Tired. Don’t want to fight my sister. Think she has issues with me. I’m so over it… Sis just came home. Nephew just came home. Gonna be kicked out of his room soon… Sigh…

Sis is gonna want to go and stay at other sis’s house. Why wouldn’t she? Why wouldn’t I? I should want to go. I do. But I feel like the move will be a big deal. I feel like my mom needs me. I feel like the energy of this house needs me. It sounds stupid, I know. But my mom is worse off than me. She needs Love and care more than anyone in this world. Everyone’s always asking her for shit and wanting her to be there for them, but no one even notices when she’s dying. And she’s dying. I’ve helped bring a little light to her life, but it’s not sustainable. I can’t sustain this, Allah. I am feeling drained and I have no food. No spiritual food. No like-minded soul that I can be honest and open with. Nobody who is interested in truly creating a balanced and stable inner life with a foundation of integrity and truth… If I am to help all of these people, if this is my calling, then it is OK with me, but I need to know how and where I can go to get nourishment and get well…

Got home at 4:15p today. Stayed in car until 4:30 and let the sun touch my face. 12-yr-old niece came outside and got me so I can come in… Came in house. Talked to mom. Ate. Talked to sis. Talked to niece. Played with baby. Watched Wheel of Fortune. Started writing this blog around 7:00p. It’s 7:48p now. I’m glad I wrote. The longest blog entry I’ve written since I started this thing…

Cathartic. Thank you for reading about my shit. I got invited to join a dance group out here. I declined because my energy was all messed up this week and I think the commitment might be too much for my body… My People’s not into me. Maybe he is, but he’s not pursuing me or trying to get to know me any better, so it’s all the same to me… There is no lover to cuddle with. There is nobody on this journey with me. I am the strong one here. I am the leader here. And it’s OK. I’m OK with being strong. I’m OK with leading.

But I need your help, Allah. Help me to fully get to the other side, please. I know. Today is just one day. But our lives are just a compilation of day after day. This is some grown-up, brave shit. I’m not going to let this day, or this year, or all that has happened before now stop me from moving forward. Nope. You say heartbreak is mend-able, right? You say my body is fixable. You say my mind and Spirit are capable of being balanced and aligned. Yes? I’m in it, then. Tell me what to do. I’m in it to win it. Yes. I’m in it to win it. I will not stop! I will keep going. And on days like this, I will come to You and commit myself even more. I will let my ego fall apart. I will say sorry. I will restructure, rebuild, realign and communicate. I will reach out. I am reaching out. Will you help me, Allah? You say You will. You say just keep moving. Just take it day by day…
Day by day.

Day 419
Day By Day

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