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Day 420 – The Urgency of Art (And Life. And Love)

January 23, 2016

I’m an artist. I don’t know if I’ve ever said that out loud before. I might have said it here…

I’m trying to find the words for this feeling that is welling up inside of me. A friend of mine died last week. He was more than a friend. He was a soulmate. He had wanted for us to be married, but I didn’t want to marry him. And so he asked me, “Well, if you’re not going to marry me, can we at least do God’s work together?”

And that is the point. I told him that I would work with him, and I wanted to work with him on all of the brilliant projects that he had, and he kept telling me to hurry up, but I didn’t move fast enough. And now he is dead. I’m going to do what I can with the work he left behind, but it would be nothing like it would have been if I had done the work with him. He was him and I am me. And I don’t know anyone who is big enough and humble enough and caring enough and strong enough and confident enough to do his work the way he would have done it.

He thought I was. He thought I was a leader and a saint and all of these good things. He thought I was supposed to make stuff and help people, whatever that means… I don’t know if I’m a saint. I’m definitely a sinner with some insight every now and then… He was an old man. I liked to listen to him talk about me, because I knew he was telling me the truth: he was telling me the truths that I sometimes wouldn’t even dare tell myself.

Like, I am an artist. And I have things in me to give to the world. I don’t know where these things come from. I don’t know why they are here. It’s not that I want to be rich. It’s not that I want to be famous. It’s not that I want to say, “Yay, me. Look at me.” That’s not the point.

The point is, I’m supposed to be rich. I’m supposed to reach a lot of people. It’s part of why I am here. It’s the thing about being an artist.

We come here on missions. I know. None of it makes sense. It doesn’t even make sense to me. I have always been a quiet girl. I have always been shy. But I’ve always felt like I was supposed to do something here, not just have a man and some kids and work a job somewhere. I mean, I would love to have a man and some kids and work a job somewhere, but that’s not the point.

How can I bring to words what I know, God? What are You trying to say through me in this moment?

I miss my friend. I am sorry that I will not get to hug him again. I am sorry that we will not get to do God’s work together. I am sorry, my dear friend, that I did not understand the urgency of it all… I didn’t understand, God, that the time to do Your work is now.

Sigh…

One day, you just have to stand up and say, “I am ready now.” You can always keep practicing. You can always keep getting better. But one day, you just have to stop bullshitting. Do your work. Do your thing, man. Stop acting like your life doesn’t mean anything, because it does, artist or not.

We are busy lying to each other and lying to ourselves. We are busy hurting each other. We are busy wallowing in our own miseries and pretending like everything is OK. And I know. I couldn’t write these words if I hadn’t gone through my own journey of lying to myself and hurting people and being hurt and experiencing the depths of powerlessness and victim-hood. I wouldn’t be able to understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed by the ocean of water in your head sometimes, and I wouldn’t be able to recognize the eyes of the broken-hearted had I not experienced some of the things I’ve experienced. I wouldn’t know this concept called compassion and I wouldn’t have awakened the part of me that must come alive in order to break free of all you have ever known.

I know that being down-and-out has a place, too. And

I know that we are not always ready to do God’s work.

I know that we are not always ready to face the truth.

I know that fear is real and everyone will not be able to move past their fears – at least not in this lifetime.

But if you are ready – warriors, priests, Queens, Kings, workers, laymen, artists, mathematicians, healers, mothers, fathers, followers and leaders – If you are ready, it is urgent.

The Universe is calling you out of your pain. It is calling You to be whole. It is calling you to Love now. Give now. Do your thing now. It is calling you to move on and move past this part. It is calling you to connect with Your People. They will help you. God is calling you to get over your pettiness, now. Just forgive, already. Forgive, while you still can. Let your heart be at ease. Let your life be at ease…

My Spirit is waking up at last… Something in me is finally trumping all of the fears that I’ve had all these years. Something in me finally gets it. There is no time to waste.

Allah, I want to package up this feeling I’m feeling right now and keep it with me for the moments when fear and doubt will try and get in the way of me moving forward. I want to take this realization with me for the moments when pride will try and stop me from being loving and giving and forgiving. My Dear Friend who has crossed over to the other side, please help me to always remember who I am. Please help me to finally do God’s work.

I finally understand. I finally get it. It is urgent.

Ameen.

Day 420
The Urgency of Art. (And Life. And Love.)

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From → The Renaissance

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