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Day 428 – On Coming Home

March 4, 2016

I am in love… No, it’s not a man. I am in love with my life. This moment… This is a very good moment. Let me capture it.

I’m at home. My apartment. The only place in the world that has my name on the lease. I’ve been away for six months, staying at other people’s homes in LA and Hawaii. It has been a lovely experience. I have had so many lovely experiences, Allah, and I am grateful for them all. The world is big and diverse and there are so many ways to live a life.

I have come to realize that I have more support than I thought I did, and I am humbled by the people who have taken me in, cooked for me, paid for my medical bills, given me pure innocent smiles, shared company and dinners with me, and even argued and fought with me to remind about the ups and down of being human. I feel lucky to have been able to peek into the private lives of so many and share in their journeys… And along the way, I started asking myself, “Where is my home?”

I didn’t have an answer when I landed in LA almost a month ago. But now I do. It is right here in this one-bedroom apartment in this city with the dusty sky and lonely people. It is right across the street from my eclectic neighbor and his protective presence. It is fifteen minutes away from my sister and her sweet heart. It is just a drive away from my guarded brother and his desire to be understood. It is nearby so many friends who are chasing their own dreams and fighting their own demons. In my home, there are windows everywhere. Birds chirp all day long. They are different than the birds in Hawaii. They chatter fast, unlike the Hawaii birds whose chirps sound more like whistles…

This is apartment is not the most luxurious place I’ve been in the past six months. It’s not in the cleanest city and I don’t have all of the amenities that I’ve had while living with other people. But it’s mine. That means that I get to decorate it how I want. I get to unpack my things finally and put them in their designated places. I can pray like I like, without disturbance. I can cook and eat the foods I like… I can sing to my walls and sage them down whenever I please. And I can have company over, whoever I want whenever I want. Here, I can stay up late at night and work on projects. I can walk around naked if I please. I can cry as loud as I want or laugh as big as I feel. I can create here…

I know that Los Angeles will not be my stopping point. Eventually I’m going to have to go somewhere where the skies are actually blue and the oceans are healing. But for now, I have a sanctuary where I can begin again. I have a sanctuary that I can create in. I am so excited! This is the beginning of a new life for me. I am in the same old place with the same old people in my life, but everything is different.

There is so much Love and compassion in me. There is so much forgiveness… And the fears? Well they just don’t run me anymore…

Today I saw two people in a vision: My dad and my friend who just recently passed away. They were happy for me. They said that I was doing good. I was on the right path. They were happy that I was in my own space again and they were happy about the thoughts that I’ve been having and the actions I’ve been taking…

I want to be quiet and just say thank you, God. What I want to remember about this day, what I want to document is the hope that is in me. I’m not worried about anything. It is as if I have finally found You, God. We finally have a relationship. I finally trust You. I finally know that You will not hurt me. You have brought me back home, better than I was when I left. I can walk up my stairs and not even think about pain now. And my heart doesn’t hurt anymore. And even though I know I need money, I recognize that I what I need more than money is to be about the business of fulfilling my destiny on Earth. I even know that I will make more money than ever once I begin fully doing the work that You have called me to do. I know these things now, and so I’m not desperate. I’m not going to take any job just for the sake of having a job. I can even see the rat race trap a mile away. I understand that there are activities and relationships that move one forward, and there are activities and relationships that move one backwards and keep one stuck in place… I understand the difference between all of this…

And the biggest revelation of all? I understand that home has nothing to do with this apartment. No. This is apartment is just the physical space that I call home for now. I understand the possibilities are limitless. I know that sounds like fantasy coming from a girl with no job who live in LA, but I look forward to demonstrating that this is no fantasy. My life is changing in miraculous ways. Opportunities are reaching towards me and I am reaching towards them in synchronicity. I am at home in my own skin. I am at home in my own mind… And it doesn’t matter where I live. I will always be at home from now on.

Lord, let me do a good thing – a great thing – with this new lease on life You have granted me. Let me help lift up the world. Let me be Your servant. Oh, it feels so good to be able to live! Let me know the deep and beautiful things about life that I have only imagined. I look forward to this next chapter… Ameen.

Day 428
On Coming Home


From → The Renaissance

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