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Day 425 – Through The Fog

February 13, 2016

I believe it is the smog that gets you: the grey ash that seems to be descending everywhere, barely perceptible to the human eye. Before I went to Hawaii, I thought that the sky in Los Angeles was blue. The sunlight was beautiful.

But now everything looks different. The sky seems grey-blue, as if there is always an ashy haze in it. The people seem to be daydreaming, and as I interact with more and more people, I recognize that most do not believe a word coming out of their own mouths. Most do not believe that their dreams will ever come true.

If this is an initiation, God, then this is an initiation for me! Geez…

It has been a challenging day today. I’m spending the weekend at my sister’s place. I arrived last night. She is pregnant and sick with pregnancy sickness. She doesn’t drink enough water. She doesn’t eat enough fruit and vegetables. She doesn’t get enough rest… She is far, far away from everyone and everything. I miss her. I miss the carefree, happy girl that I watched grow up. It is hard to watch her go through so many challenges and not be able to do anything about it…

My People disappeared. Well, he didn’t really disappear. He’s just not willing to be an active part of my life right now. If I called him, he would answer. If I showed up at his house, he would open the door. But he is not calling me, and he is not showing up at my door, and that sucks. I could play woman games and get him to show some interest in me, but I don’t want to play any woman games. I don’t want to do any manipulation. I want him to come my way simply because he wants to come my way, if he’s going to come my way at all. No guilt. No obligation. No manipulation. Just choice. Just him wanting to spend time with me because there’s nothing else he would rather do…

I thought things were going to be different. I have such a huge imagination. I thought he was going to be my husband. I thought I was going to come back to Cali and we were going to get to know each other better and then he was going to realize that he doesn’t want to live without me, and we both were going to get our life’s work moving in the right direction and finish doing whatever we needed to do in LA and then skip town and get married and start a life somewhere with blue skies by the end of the year… I know. The year is not over yet. But I’m not sure if my compulsion to be so deeply connected to him is a vision inspired by You, God, or if it is just my fantasy.

Our last two conversations were super intense. He made himself very vulnerable to me; implied that he felt like he might be missing out on something in life because he didn’t have much joy in his life; was deeply concerned about my housing situation. I felt his heart reaching out to me, wanting to help me, wanting to protect me… He was so concerned about me that he couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep. He stayed on the phone with me till the wee night hours, conflicted about what to do for me; conflicted about how to interact with me. I got the feeling that he wanted me to tell him what to do, but You told me not to tell him, God. You told me that he had to learn to trust his heart… So I didn’t tell him what to do. And he didn’t trust his heart. He chose from his mind instead. Texted me the next morning with an epiphany: My presence in his life had helped him to realize that he spends too much time and energy trying to help the people in his life with basic survival stuff. He recognizes that he now needs to make the time and space to focus on his life’s work…

-_-

Wrong answer. Love will bring the balance necessary for him to do his life’s work. Joy is the fuel that will make his work easy… I can not tell him those things. He will not listen to me. And who am I anyway? Just a woman with random thoughts and inclinations that come from nowhere… A part of me wants to evict him from my heart and mind, but another part says, “Be patient.” I ask my Spirit what to do. “Nothing,” She responds. “Just keep asking me what to do.”

There is no need to run to the arms of another man because tomorrow is Valentine’s Day… My head hurts.

And so I am learning about this thing called patience. And so I am learning about this thing called faith…

I went to my Writer’s Group meeting today and was very welcomed. The president of the Organization gave me a big hug. Another executive invited us all to his house to watch movies this upcoming Friday. It’s cool living with my neighbor. We have become good friends and I enjoy his company. His house is not as moldy when he is living there. He keeps things very clean…

This is what I’m dealing with today, in the city of smog where the grey ash descends upon all who would dare to come here chasing a dream…

I took a break. Read some inspirational posts on Facebook. What I would like to be is on top. Instead of flailing around in an endless ocean, I would like to ride the wave now. Instead of feeling like a victim, I would like to feel able. I would like to experience a meeting of wills: two open hearts reaching towards one another. I experienced it in Hawaii. Everyone in that situation needed what the others had to offer. Now this is different, but maybe I just can’t see clear because of all of this fog.

-There is always a meeting of wills, You say. With your sister, with My People, with all who reach towards you… Even with your sister’s spouse, there is a meeting of wills. It is important, at this phase in your life, to choose what you would like to experience. You are somewhere else now. You are walking in the fog. The environment does not support light. It is up to you to channel the light within. But you must do so on purpose. You must know how to be a light even in the fog. This is the work of a true light-worker. I want you to choose now. Dear Laydie. Choose. Every blessed day. Every day when you wake up, no matter where you laid your head the night before, choose. Choose. No matter how your sister or brother responds to you. No matter how My People receives you. No matter how sad or happy you are feeling in the morning. Choose to bring light and love. Choose to be light and love. No matter your energy or headaches. Choose with all of you. Every part of you. Choose to receive light and love. And do so with grace. Do so with confidence. Stand strong in your knowledge of Me. I am here with you. I am here with you. I am here with you. You will have moments where things do not go as you thought they would. Even still, I am here with you. Look for my voice. Look for my Guidance. Ask me what to do and know that I am answering you even before you ask. This is not theory. This is not rhetoric. This is the secret that so many refuse to accept. I am here with you, buoying you up every step of the way. Let the remnants of your painful past fall away. There will be more tears, but soon they will stop. Many years you have suffered. Many years you have cried. Many years you have not known who you were, nor have you known how to be in the world. You are doing a different thing. You are blazing a trail that is not often blazed. But you are not on your own. See your cheerleaders all around. See your helpers all around. They are rooting for a dream come true. They are rooting for the light. Give birth to the blazing light within you and watch as the fog clears in your path.

This is not a dream. This is not a fantasy. This is your new life calling you into it. Take action. Take action. Take action. Trust me. You will make it through the fog…

Ameen.

Day 425
Through The Fog

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From → The Renaissance

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