Day 431 – Emotions (And Men)

I am thinking of my friend who passed away recently… I am supposed to be working on my script, but I’m taking a moment to balance myself first. I’ve been doing a lot these past few days. Trying to live all of my film dreams and bring closure to every single thing in my life within the next month and a half.

There is so much… I’m making progress, but there is a long list of things to do. So much, that sometimes praying and meditating and taking care of one’s emotional health and exercising and eating right takes a back seat. The catch-22, though, at least for me, is that if I don’t do those things I will soon become sick and off-balance. So this is about me getting my emotions to a balanced state before I continue on with my day.

I’m super sensitive and my relationships with others (or lack thereof) really have a strong effect on me.

I told my neighbor he can’t come and stay with me, but I offered to give him some money just in case he couldn’t find another place where he could stay for free. He turned down my money offer. Then, he was supposed to come by and pick up some of his things from my apartment. I told him to let himself in, since I wasn’t home (he has a key). When I got home, I saw that he had taken the airbed that he had let me borrow. He was not supposed to take the airbed. He didn’t tell me he was taking the airbed… My feelings were hurt… Wow, we just had a text exchange about the airbed. Sigh… I had to let the tongue loose and tell him what I felt and thought. At least I didn’t curse him out or even threaten to curse him or even try to say anything mean or hurtful to him… He kept lying about stuff, acting like he didn’t do certain stuff on purpose. I cornered him and finally got him to tell the truth about some things… He wants to meet up and talk, but I don’t want to meet up and talk. There’s nothing to talk about. I forgive him. Whatever. He will still be an ass unless I call him out on his ass-hole-ness and make him treat me right. Great. He will be nice to me if I make him: if I stand up to his bullying, if I call him out on his lies, if I force him to communicate his feelings, if I let him know every time I feel like he’s doing some passive-aggressive vindictive stuff (which is about once a week), if I answer his phone calls and respond to his texts pronto… Sigh. That’s a lot of work to be done in order for someone to be nice to you.

I know that his feelings will really be hurt if I decide not to be his friend anymore. I’ll still be his friend. I care about him. But no more bullshit. I’m not about to tiptoe or do jumping jacks in order for him to treat me with care. He’s gonna have to do that on his own, or I’ll just care about him from a distance…

I actually feel much better now that I have told my friend how I feel about things. He probably won’t change. It’s OK. I probably won’t change either, not in the ways he wants me to. It’s all right. Sometimes you make a decision just to love someone, regardless of their lesser qualities. It doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to abuse or maltreatment, though. You can love from a distance. You can love with boundaries. Or you can get all caught up in the craziness of someone else and go on the crazy ride with them.

I’m not into crazy anymore. Can You believe it, God? Wow. This is a milestone for me. I can love hurtful people without being hurt by them, AND I can choose not to be hurtful AND I can choose to give my heart and my trust to others who have also chosen not to be hurtful? I might just be ready to be courted after all…

I think of my dead friend, who was always kind to me and Loved me unconditionally. I think of my writing coach/best friend, who calls me every day to make sure I am getting my writing done and doing things in support of my progress. I think of My People, an innocent being on a mission to uplift the world. I think of all of the men who have been good to me and who have shown me that men can be good. They have shown me that men don’t have to be hurtful and that men can be mature and thoughtful and kind and that men can allow women to be free and yet still protect us. They have taught me how to communicate without manipulation. They have taught me how to be honest about my feelings without trying to hurt people. They have taught me how to truly forgive, and mostly, they have taught me how to recognize a person’s character traits – women don’t think about these things. Character traits are real… Men have taught me the importance of showing care to the people you care about. They have taught me about boundaries – men are good with boundaries. They have taught me how to say no when it’s time to say no, and they have taught me how to say yes and let love in.

I can honestly say, that for all the assholes I’ve known, for all of the fuckery that I’ve experienced at the hands of men, the beautiful giants of men that I have known, the amazing friends that journey this life with me, have made up for the pain. They have paid off everyone else’s debts by their kindness and Love for me. And they have taught me how to stand up as a woman and demand that men either treat me right or get out of my inner circle. And this notion comes to mind: If I actually demanded that men act right in order to be around me, then I wouldn’t be alone, like I have always feared I would be. On the contrary, I would be surrounded by people who actually treat me with respect and kindness, people who are mature enough to want to create loving relationships. What a notion…

I did a good thing, God. For the first time (maybe ever), I took my emotional health seriously. I took my progress seriously. I told mean people how they must treat me in order to be in my presence and I didn’t even have to be mean to them. Go figure… I think I can actually do some work on my script now. My emotions are stabilized… Thank You so much, Allah. Thank you so much.

Day 431
Emotions (And Men)