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Day 427 – The Highest Possible Results (Are Automatically Forthcoming)

February 25, 2016

This is by far the most grown-up part of my life… And I want to write about strong things.

There has been a lot of fear in me these past weeks. There has been a lot of uncertainty. There has been a lot of doubt. The main questions have been, “What do I do next?” and “How do I go from here to there?”

My neighbor just woke up. Should I leave or try to do some work while he’s up? Leave, The Lord says… all right. to be continued…

I left. And it’s 24 hours later. What a day yesterday! What a day… A beautiful, wonderful day. I went to the park. The ocean had been getting to me. I had been drowning in this vast ocean that I call my life. My head had been hurting. Felt like gold sand was in there just seeping out of the space behind my eyes. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t take any forward action. And so I had to stop. This was not how I had planned for the week to go.

So I stopped. I went to the park. I read the Note To Self that I had written to myself earlier. I had written it right after deep prayer, right after a moment of clarity. It read, “Finish all that was in the past. Work on my real dreams this week. This week is what I have. Work on my real dreams. Get them all off of the ground. Get my debts/bills/past in order. Ameen. Get organized and prepare for a mighty, mighty, mighty blessing.” I’m glad I read that note, because my mind had been about to go to panic mode and start looking for jobs. But, see, I wasn’t supposed to do that this week. This week I was supposed to get everything in order and be done with all my preparations and things from the past. Writing portfolio should be done. Debts done. Unfinished projects done. Conversations had, so that next week I could start from ground zero, as if I came to Cali for the first time. This time, though, I would have a refined portfolio of work to show to people. This time I would be organized and have binders and have a schedule. This time, I wouldn’t have any crazy relationships with friends, family or lovers that were messing with my emotions. This time, I would have an apartment and a car and insurance and a good month of bills paid. This time there would be no weights from the past to hold me down. This time I would know how to nourish myself if the ocean seemed to be overwhelming me. I would know where to get food and fresh air and love and peace. This time I would be ready for the world.

I stopped yesterday and prayed. And it was hard because my mind and emotions were all over the place. But I sat down under my favorite tree in my neighborhood park. It’s a jacaranda tree. It looks like a scrawny little thing with small leaves, but once a year, it yields beautiful, soft, purple flowers for about a month. That time is coming soon. Oh, I can’t wait for spring! The flowers will bloom soon. They have been there all along, you know. Just like me.

The flowers have been here all along, waiting for the right time to blossom. And finally, this is the right time. I sat under the jacaranda tree yesterday and told myself that I was going to sit there until I felt some peace of mind. I was going to sit there until I was no longer afraid of the future. I was going to sit there until I believed that even know, at what appears to be the darkest time of my life, the highest possible results are automatically forthcoming. I was going to sit there until I believed that this is not the darkest time in my life. I was going to sit there until I believed that this is the best time in my life; until I believed that every time is the best time in my life. I was going to sit there until I could feel a spark of joy in me somewhere. I knew that there had to be some joy somewhere in me. I couldn’t continue with the grumpy, desperate attitude that had been plaguing me for almost a week. And so I sat. I prayed the prayers I learned as a child. I did the meditations that carried me through my grown-up years. I stretched, read my Oneness book, and tapped into some alchemy meditations. Finally, after about four hours, something in me shifted. I could see how wonderful it is to be in the active environment of Los Angeles at a time when I am taking action in my life. I could see how lucky I am to have so many friends and family members who are always there for me. I could see the possibility of abundance as an option for me. I could see the possibility of love… And then, guess what happened?

A hot, young dude came and sat by me. He had soft, supple looking skin. He was nervous, but I smiled at him and he relaxed a bit. He started chatting me up. He was from the same island that Dream Lover was from. I spoke to him in his island dialect and he responded to me… It was really nice. I asked the Lord if it was OK to be talking to him instead of praying and the Lord said that talking to him was praying. I intended to share myself with someone and receive the gift of his presence. And so we exchanged. At some point, we ended up singing to one another. He’s a musician. I sang him the one song I’ve ever written (I warned him in advance that I can’t sing) and he loved it. And I was reminded of how it felt to be at ease with a man. I was reminded of how it felt to be wanted. I was reminded of joy. We were having a joyful moment. An easy, beautiful joyful moment. The energy was free-flowing. There was no holding back. No resentments. No fear of abandonment. No fear. It was a beautiful moment of joy. Thank You for that, Allah.

I took the young dude’s number, but told him that I probably wouldn’t call. I’m holding out for my husband. And although me and young dude really had a blast, there were some things that he had said during our conversation that made me know he was not the one for me. He had done enough. He brought my smile back, and I think I gave him some hope… Thank you for beautiful moments.

Later yesterday evening, I was coming home from my writer’s group meeting. I was driving around looking for parking, and I saw a handsome man walking on the street. He had cool, artsy shoes and I noticed him. I went around the block and was jamming to some really upbeat music, dancing around in my car, and when I got to the stop light, I saw him watching me. He was just laughing up a storm. I laughed, too, and drove off. But then a thought came to me. He would be nice to know. I told myself that if I drove back around the corner and he was still standing there, I would talk to him. So I drove around the corner, and guess what? He was still standing there. He flagged me down and I pulled over. He ended up riding with me to go find parking and then walking me home. He was awkward and nerdy and he was trying really hard to be a gentleman. And I was glad, Allah, that you reminded me of how it felt to be a woman. It was a simple thing, but I was glad to be reminded me of how it feels when a man is walking towards you.

I realized that My People is not walking towards me. He has been running away. And so I let him go. Hey. You said to do it. I let My People go… I finally got it. It finally clicked in my head. Love is easy. Life is easy. Start with an intention and keep holding out until you meet it in the world. That’s it. Do not ask for an orange and then when an apple comes your way, try to make it into an orange. Ask for an orange and wait for an orange. You will know when you have found your heart’s desire. It will not hurt. It will not make you feel unwanted. It will not drain your life force. It will not take away from your focus. It will not leave you feeling confused. It will inspire. It will make you feel like you belong. It will energize you and help you focus even more. It will leave you in a space of Divine clarity.

I don’t know what will happen with my man life. Heck, I don’t know what will happen with any part of my life. But what I do know is that this week I will finish all that was in the past. I will hold fast to my real dreams and keep walking towards them until they become my reality. I will Source joy from the depths of my belly. I will express all the love that’s in me and receive all the blessings that Your pour out daily. I will exercise my Spiritual muscles. I will activate all this good stuff in me and use every ounce of my being to keep on keeping on. What I do know is that the highest possible results are automatically forthcoming, for me and everyone I interact with. I know this. I trust this. I own this…. And so it is… Ameen.

Thank You so much, Allah. Thank You so much…

Day 427
The Highest Possible Results (Are Automatically Forthcoming)

From → The Renaissance

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