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Day 429 – He (And All) That Came Before

March 5, 2016

So… I wrote my lovely blog entry yesterday… And then the night fell. And I became afraid. I spent the night at my neighbor’s house because I didn’t want to be alone.

I was so afraid. But it doesn’t end there. I fell asleep at his place and now I am back in my own place. It’s 8:49am… Last night, someone made me an offer that I can’t refuse. This Angel, I will call her, offered to sponsor me for the next two months while I get to the business of creating my dream life. Yes. Pay my rent and bills. Pay for my food. Allow me to live in Los Angeles and all I have to do is focus on completing my projects and getting them made, focus on continuing to get my health right, and just everything that needs to be done to clean up the mess of my past and get my present and future in order… I get to live in my own apartment by myself. I get to have my car… This Angel made me this offer and I freaked out. Wow. So much fear came to me. This is such a big deal. Someone believes in me. It’s a lot of money to live in LA. Someone is going to make that kind of sacrifice for me. It means I can’t fail.

Now, before you get to judging me, I need to tell you that I’ve failed before. It has been seven years and I am amazed at how life has come full circle. Seven years ago, right around this time of the year, I created a similar opportunity for myself. I worked a really good job and saved a bunch of money. Then I quit and spent Nov to March completing my first screenplay. I came out to Cali in March/April and hit the ground running: I stayed in the living room of an apartment with these awesome young women so that I could save money. I got a monthly bus pass and took the bus and train everywhere. I had a daily food budget and I ate three healthy meals a day. I was praying religiously every day and doing yoga for an hour every single day. I joined a dance group and went to their classes twice a week. I worked for hours on my project every single day. And when I finished my script, I started pitching it. Just went for it. And miracles happened. I met with executives that people would think I could never access. They had conversations with me! Like, I was in fancy Hollywood studios talking to people about my script!!! I got a job working on a project on the Disney lot. For the first couple of months, I had decided not to date men in any form or fashion so that I could focus on my work and focus on myself. And it was awesome! Then, after I finished completing my script and started pitching it, and after I had gotten a job, I opened the door to dating again. And I met some of the coolest men that I had ever met up until that point in my life.

I picked a really fabulous man who I had met online. He was just about as fine as they come. Tall, perfect body, white straight perfect smile, muscles… He was an artist and he was also wealthy. He had businesses that were making passive income for him. He helped kids out and did charity work. And we had compatible religious beliefs and world views. And he was a sweetheart… Thinking of him now, it’s hard to imagine that we didn’t make it. When people would see us together, they would always comment on what a beautiful couple we were.

He lived in another state, and so we had a long distance relationship, but we would visit each other at least twice a month. I thought he was my soulmate and at the time I would have married him immediately. Our connection was so deep. But somewhere along the way, fear got in the way. He told me a secret about himself that would have really affected our relationship. I listened and I accepted his secret. I was willing to deal with it. But he didn’t believe me. He started behaving very defensively. If I didn’t answer his phone calls, he would think I was busy dating someone else. Our relationship started becoming strained. One day, while I was working my job on the Disney lot, I saw a celebrity in the courtyard. This man flirted with me, and I was so excited, I called my boo and told him how I had just met a celebrity. My boo got mad and told me that if I didn’t want to be with him, I could go ahead and be with the celebrity. He told me his life was boring and maybe I needed to be with a celebrity. And he hung up the phone on my face! -_-

At some point, I recognized that our relationship wasn’t going to work if we weren’t in the same place. He was scared that I was going to leave him for some fancy Hollywood guy, and to be honest, I was kind of scared, too… He was jealous of my life. Well, maybe not jealous, but he felt bad about my success. He felt like if I was successful, I would think he was boring and I would leave him, and so I couldn’t share my successes with him. He wasn’t excited about them. He had so much fear… By this time, he had proposed to me. Got a beautiful engagement ring and everything. Sent me a pic of the ring, and then when we got into an argument, he took the ring back. Things were becoming a bit dysfunctional between us, but still, I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world, and so I made an effort to save our relationship. I stopped my Hollywood life. Yep. Stopped. I told him I wanted to be with him, in the same space, and we agreed that I would move in with him.

I would quit my job and come live with him. I would work on my script some more (none of the people I had met with had made me an offer, so I was going to write a better draft), and after three months of working my script, we would get married, come back to LA, and hit the ground running. I would be a writer and he would do his artist thing. It sounded like a wonderfully romantic plan.

So I quit. I quit my job. I sold my car. By that time, I was in my own apartment, and I let my apartment go. Sold and gave away all my furniture. I used to have a beautiful dining room table with tile pieces in it. Sold it for $80. All I had left in the world were two suitcases, and I packed those on a Greyhound bus so I could go and be with my man!

And when I got to his house in that state up north, everything was different than it had been when I used to come visit him. I’ve never told anyone what really happened between the two of us. So much happened. I guess it’s time that I deal with it. By the way, the guy that I’m writing about is He Who Came Before. He is the one who came before this blog, before I started crying every day. Our relationship was the straw that broke everything.

I won’t write too much about it, but it’s important to me, because my life has come full circle and I fucked it up the last time I had an opportunity to go for my dreams. I was funding my previous opportunity, but now I have other people’s hands mixed up in my destiny. They are counting on me to succeed, and I can’t eff it up by skipping states and running off with some man. And I am afraid that I’m gonna eff it up, so I need to deal with this before it deals with me. I need to find the root of my fear and let it go.

The first thing that happened with He Who Came Before was the groceries. Previously, when I would come visit him, the first thing we would do, even before we went to his house, was go to the grocery store. He would tell me to pick out everything that I wanted to eat and then he would buy it. We would take it to his place, and I would cook it while I was visiting him. But when I moved in, things were different. He was cold and standoffish. We didn’t stop at the grocery store. Instead, he left home the next morning (without telling me) and called me while he was out. He asked me if I wanted him to buy some stuff so I could cook for lunch and I said OK. So he bought some spaghetti ingredients. But they were not the brand/type of ingredients I eat. When I complained to him about it, he made a comment that I should be thankful that he’s buying me food. Gasp!

Then (and this one set the tone for our whole interaction), the next day, I was on my computer doing some writing. He came to me and complained about how I hadn’t spent much time with him since I arrived. He then told me that he figured, since I was going to be staying with him, he didn’t need a maid anymore. He used to have a maid. He said he was going to fire his maid and began to tell me about all the places that I would need to clean on a daily basis. He said he would be giving me a small, below minimum wage allowance while I was with him… Furthermore, there were certain books and videos that he felt I needed to watch and read in order to elevate my consciousness. I would need to read and/or watch them on a regular basis. We argued about all of this.

Of course I didn’t just do what he said immediately. But eventually, I did. I spent my days watching the videos and reading the books he suggested, cooking the food that I didn’t like cooking (because it was cheaper than the brands I liked), cleaning up, and hanging with He Who Came Before. I did very little writing. I stopped talking to most of my friends because he said they were jealous of me and they were trying to destroy our relationship. I became distant from my family because they were asking too many questions and all of the answers were embarrassing. I felt trapped in a strange town with no one but him. Sometimes he was nice, but it was half and half. One day, we would have a great day together, and then the next day, he would poke at me for any little thing: the clothes I wore, who I was talking to, what I was thinking… And so we fought. About spaghetti ingredients and things of that sort. And I stopped trusting him. We would have an argument and then he would go run off and spend time with his women friends (all of whom he had slept with at one time or another).

Three months had passed and we hadn’t made any plans to move back to Los Angeles. In fact, He Who Came Before was talking about buying new furniture for his house and had just told me about his nine month plan to introduce me to his family before we get married. We got into one last fight – this one was really heated. We were arguing about whether or not I could live under the same roof with him (in his six bedroom house) if I didn’t have sex with him. I said I could, but he said I couldn’t. Haha. So we agreed to disagree. As he huffed and puffed around the house, clenching his fists and yelling about all of the things he wasn’t gonna do, I quietly locked the bedroom door. I called my sister and asked her if she would get me a ticket out of there, and the next day, I packed my bags and got on a Greyhound bus to LA…

I realized that I had willingly participated in the destruction of my life and the loss of my self-identity.

And here we are today. I have spent years fumbling and fumbling and trying to mend my broken heart and trying to get my mind right and trying to get my life right. And so many other things have happened since He Who Came Before. And I almost died. Do you understand what that means? Do you understand what it is to not be able to walk when you want to walk? Or to think certain ideas and not have them come out of your mouth right, but to come out as a stutter or a slur instead? Do you understand what it is to be worried about your health and to not even know what is wrong with you and so not even know what to do to get better? Do you know what it feels like to love someone and know that they don’t even see who you are, and you are just a tool for them?

A lot has happened since I met He Who Came Before, and most of it has been hard, and painful and ugly. And most of it was all my fault. Nobody forced me to make any of the decisions that I made. I chose where to live. I chose who to live with. I chose where to work and who to befriend. I chose what to do with my money. I chose to ignore my feelings and cater to different people. I chose to be a tool and everything else. I chose to play low so other people wouldn’t feel bad…. And this is a long blog. I think I won’t edit it and I’ll just leave it as it is. Sometimes there’s a lot of shit to get off your chest before you move on.

You are giving me an opportunity to move on, God, but I have to get this off my chest. I know that if I shut myself off from the world and don’t have any close personal relationships, I can do really well in my career. But I want close personal relationships and I want a balanced life. And I’m afraid that I’m gonna fuck up this once in a lifetime opportunity. This is my dream opportunity, but I had something similar before and I messed it up. And I’m not so young anymore. Old bones don’t move like they used to.

I’m writing because I don’t want to mess up this time. You say that I am a grown-up now and I won’t make the same mistakes of the past. You say that I have learned a lot and all that I have been through, I have gone through because my soul needed to go through it. You say that I am still pure and Divine. You say that you will be with me every step of the way, and I will see how golden life can be. You say that the men won’t hurt me anymore. I know how to pick what’s good for me now. You say that my family only loves and adores me and they will support me every step of the way. You say that I am not alone here, even though my path is singular. You say that strength is not a bad word and I am stronger than I know. Strength does not mean that I will have to go through hard things in life. No. Not anymore. I have been through enough. Strength can now mean that I am strong enough to open again and believe again. You say that angels are on their way to protect me from the things I can not see, and there is no more heartbreak for me. You say that even my failure was a success and that a few years are nothing from the vantage point of eternity…

Wow… The anxiety is gone and I feel calm… My mom just called me and reminded of something I had told her when I was in Hawaii. I told her that I was gonna come out here and make my movies, and I had a plan and everything. My plan involved me making my movies! LOL. Not working a job, not hustling, but completely focusing on steps to actualize my dreams. And, God, I don’t know how or why You did it… I don’t know why You decided to save me, but you sent me an Angel that is willing to support the plans that I made. Thank you is not even enough… I don’t know how I’m going to get used to life working out for me, but I’m gonna try to get used to it, OK?

He Who Came Before did a good thing for me. He brought me to You. And all that has come before has also done a good thing for me. It has brought me to myself, and it has forced me to decide who I want that self to be. And I am becoming one of those women that I used to want to be: women of heart; women with love, passion and compassion; women with feminine strength; women who are comfortable in their own skin; women who are humble yet dignified; women who make men stand up straight around them; women who are not afraid to bring all of themselves to all of life… Women who have come to wake this world up.

I’m on my way, God, and in this moment, I am not afraid. Thank you so much for everything you have always done for me. I Love You. I Love You so much.

Day 429
He (And All) That Came Before

From → The Renaissance

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