I am imagining what a relaxed face looks like… A lot of change coming in the next few days… People moving out. People moving in… I got a job offer. Back in education. A respectable job. Good pay… Flexible time. I’ll start by September.
My face is super tingling. I’m sitting in a coffee shop with My Kind. He’s everywhere. He lives on the next block from me, and I literally run into him everywhere all the time. I’m kind of overwhelmed and want to burst out crying, but I don’t want him to think I’m crying over him… He’s a dork face. Still the same. Only wants what he doesn’t have. I know this syndrome. I’ve had it before. Not anymore…
Can you believe who I got an email from today? My first love. Haven’t heard from or spoken to him in over six years. He sent me an email and told me he’s on the pacific coast. Told me I crossed his mind. When I asked him what he was thinking when I crossed his mind, he didn’t respond… That was this morning. And I’ve been too busy to think about him all day. I’ve been busy nonstop all day… Now I can let my forehead relax a bit before I go back to busy life.
From this relaxed place, I am thinking about my first love, and how I loved him so much. I would have done anything for that man, and I did do anything for him. It was the kind of love that tragic romance novels are made of. Oh, my baby… I know that he has suffered much. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but oh, my baby… He has missed out on so much love…
I am remembering Love. I am remembering passion… I am remembering the wild, wild, days of my younger years. I had a good time. I did everything I wanted to do. I could tell you stories… I had a good time, God. Thank you for so many amazing experiences in life.
Now I am older. Not an old lady yet, but older. Old enough to understand the importance of character. Old enough not to care about much and not to take myself too seriously. Old enough to appreciate Love. Old enough to let everything go. And old enough to know that I need not just to give, but to receive Love… Oh, my baby. This is the end, isn’t it? I am older now and I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t hate you not one bit. You didn’t understand.
You didn’t understand that love was to be loved. You didn’t understand… You didn’t see what you had in hand – the most precious gift in the world. Someone who Loved you. Someone who would Love you just because you exist. And you hurt me much. It has taken years and years to repair the damage you’d done. It has taken years for me to believe that I deserve good things. It has taken years for me to know that I’m good enough. It has taken years for me to open my heart. It has taken years for me to dare to believe that I could possibly trust a man. It has taken years for me to think that I am sexy enough where I don’t deserve to be cheated on. It has taken years for me to figure out that men are supposed to protect you, not trick and manipulate you. It has taken years for me to feel like I was a good person – I always used to feel like I was being punished with you. The moment I opened my heart, there was some new transgression… It has taken years, my baby.
I wonder who I would have been had we never met. I would have been somebody’s sweet wife, but I wouldn’t have been so cool. I wouldn’t be wearing my hair in a mohawk right now, nor would I have learned how to curse people out when they mess with me. And I wouldn’t have had the courage – the need, rather – to learn how to love myself. And I wouldn’t understand that all people have a dark side. And darling, I understand… I understand. I Love You, my baby.
Our children have died already. Our life was a dream never fulfilled, and from what I sense in your field, it will stay a dream, for you refuse to Love, and I think there is a certain amount of work that we all must do on our own… I can not make you choose to Love. I can not make you choose to Love. I can not make you choose… I pray that you will come to a place where you can think of me and remember me as your baby and know that you are worthy of the deepest kind of Love. In my eyes, you are pure light. Yes, pure light lives in you still. Bring it out and your suffering will end. I pray that your suffering ends.
Oh, my baby. Thank you. I pray that your suffering ends.
Ameen.
Day 447
My Baby (Closed Doors and Open Hearts)
Coming back to the center…
Sometimes there are so many things to write about. Energy strikes a chord with my spirit, and so I will write about that…
I am overwhelmed with gratitude right now. I am finally beginning to understand some things about life.
The funny and ironic thing is, the things that I’m finally beginning to understand are the things that I’ve known all along. Like energy. You walk into a room and you feel bad all of a sudden. You don’t know why, and since you can’t reason it out, you stay in a situation until ultimately you discover why your instinct told you to leave the room in the first place.
Everyone doesn’t feel energy as strongly as I do. I get it. But I have this system built in, that guides me. We all have this system, but I’m very aware of it and very in tune with it. And I have spent so long not listening to the Guidance within. And I am grateful today, because I am finally deciding to listen. Fully.
God, thank you for Your guidance. Your wild child rebel is turning into a praying holy roller. And I Love it. I Love every piece of it. I Love who I am becoming. I Love how I am becoming. I Love who I am. For the first time in my life. Thank you.
I have so many stories to tell. So much happens in a day, and I’m not even out in the world like that! What I would like to remember about this time in my life is that this is the time in my life that I decided that my relationships must be good. I decided that I am a good person and I’m only interested in welcoming harmonious, good relationships into my inner circle… And I decided to be good to the people who I’m traveling through life with.
And you know, as a kid, we knew what good relationships were. We knew. Don’t betray each other. Say sorry. Be a real friend or a real boyfriend or girlfriend. Be nice. Don’t keep secrets. Be loyal. Share things with each other and take care of each other if we are sick or hurt or just need help. Tell the truth to each other and forgive. And if someone does something wrong to the other, make it up. Give me a piece of candy and I’ll be your friend again. We knew how to be humans. We already know.
Journal, my relationships had become so painful, and now they’re not anymore. I was scared to let go of all the dysfunction, because I was scared that I wouldn’t have anyone else in my life, but I trusted You, God, and I let go of all the dysfunction. And guess what is happening? My friends are letting go of all the dysfunction, too, in their own time! They want to be happy, too. Nobody wants to carry all of these pains and all of these disappointments with them everywhere. We are just so afraid. We actually think we can control things in life, as if we couldn’t just die tomorrow, spend all our time trying to focus on what we think we can control, instead of focusing on what we want to do with our lives and how we really want to be while we are here and now.
Can I tell you what I am experiencing? A release. A release in my forehead. A release in the back of my head. A release in my shoulders. A profound understanding. A clearing of so much pain. A knowing that something major has shifted and life will never be the same again. A deep, abiding hope. It is possible to have a good life.
You see, my problem has never been life. I am good at life. I am good at surviving and getting jobs and all that material stuff. Relationships have been my issue. Relationships and issues surrounding them have been the thing that keeps me knocked out on the bed for days and weeks at a time. And I am finally understanding that I don’t have to fight people anymore. There is a difference between fighting and standing up for oneself.
If you stand up for yourself, if you set a tone from the beginning, if you tell anyone who comes your way, “Hey, if you want to hang out with me, you’re gonna have to be nice. You’re gonna have to see me and care about me,” then you will set a standard for your own life. But you have to know that some people won’t come around. They aren’t ready. Or they aren’t willing. And you have to be willing to take that loss, because if you bring them around, you are saying to yourself and to them and to the Universe that you are OK with being close to people who have no intention of being nice to you or caring for you or seeing you. And who wants that?
I want to thank you, Allah, for this day. For this moment. I have absolutely nothing, you understand? Nothing. Oh, but I am so thankful for the understanding that I am finally receiving. I know that from this place of understanding, from this reference point, where I get it. I finally understand that I’m worth something. But not only that. I finally understand that other people are worth something, too, and relationships are sacred contracts… I understand how deeply I need to Love and be Loved and I honor that. I understand that my very survival depends on me honoring the Truth about myself.
And I know that this understanding is one of the best things that ever happened to me. Because from here, anything I build on this foundation will be good. This is the very best time of my life, God. All this time, I should have just been following the Guidance You’ve been giving me. I’m sorry it took a stubborn woman like me so long to get things right, but I’m finally getting things right! I can take action from this place and trust that it will be fruitful. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You so much…
Like my nephew says after I tell him to go to his room for punishment and he comes back out, “I’m ready to listen.”
Day 446
Real Standards
And then the storm came.
For the past few weeks I have been right in the midst of it. But Lovers, do you want to hear about the storm? Or do you want to hear about the peace that comes after. What part are we on? Ah, yes. The Breath of Life.
So I will tell you of the storm. Briefly, terror came my way, in the form of people full of fear and pain, asking to be saved. Asking to be saved by me. In exchange for my help they offered betrayal, lies, disappointment, stones thrown, incessant demands, malice and jealousy. They saved their frowned faces and resentment for me and me alone.. It is all so boring and redundant. But for a moment it was real, and I was caught up in the storm, taking a beating for being kind, or so I thought…
One day, Spirit told me to go a certain place and I ran straight into My Kind and his girlfriend (or non-girlfriend depending on the day). He didn’t know what to do, so he introduced her to me…
Some of the people full of fear and pain had moved into my apartment, so I spent many days in my car crying my eyes out, sobbing, for things I thought had passed years ago. My first kiss, my first love, a man almost twice my age who made me feel like the most beautiful thing in the world and then, after kissing me, told me that he didn’t really want to be with me, and that he only kissed me because I reminded him of someone he really liked… I cried for My Kind, because he had brought my heart to life and showed me such Love and Kindness, but he didn’t choose me even though he wanted to, and I cried for so many men who hadn’t chosen me, even though they wanted to. They opted for women who they didn’t love. Safe, tame women who will never require that they be their full selves, women who only want for them to stay… But this will not fill you up, My Loves.
And I wonder why they did not choose me? Am I so difficult to love? They speak of me – The Love of Their Life, they call me. In their eyes, I am a gypsy, wild and free… I ask for too much, they say, although I don’t ask for anything… I don’t care about their money. I don’t care about where they are in life or where they live or what they drive. I don’t care about their age or what they look like, but they won’t believe. And they can’t understand.
What I care about is their soul. What I care about is their heart. What I want to know is if they will be brave enough to Love with arms wide open. Will they be man enough to let go of their wounds and fears? Will they dare to at least try to live the life they’ve dreamed of? Will they get over themselves and just be honest? And just be kind and good to one another? Is a smile too much to ask for? Is forgiveness too much? Do I really ask for too much, God?
Heartbreak is my kryptonite. It will knock me out for days, months, years on end. And for some days now, I have been full of tears. What am I doing wrong? Am I a thing that I can not see? Am I bad person and I do not know? Why am I so difficult to love? Should I bend, cow, be smaller, ask for less? Should I stop talking and don’t speak of my dreams or my past? Should I just say, “yes. OK. Thank you for being here. How can I serve?” Should I ignore all trespasses against my soul, against my womb, against by heart, against my mind? Should I pretend I do not see what I see?
Is this what we have become? Is this what it takes to be… Not loved, but coupled?
The storm was deep and ravishing this time…
Then one night, one of my sisters called me. Random. Middle of the night. She wanted to tell me that she had written me a song years ago. A song. Just for me. She had never told me about such a thing and I didn’t even know that this sister gave me much thought when I wasn’t in her presence. But that night, she sang me such a beautiful song. In it, it spoke of my bright eyes, and it spoke of how I had been looking down for some time. It encouraged me to look up. It encouraged to be bright in a world that can be bright… And it was all I needed.
I began to look up. Someone had seen me. Someone had seen my bright eyes and they had written me a song. I began to look up. I decided that I am not too difficult to Love. No. I fed myself with Love and songs and sunshine and I meant it. I broke my own spell. And this is the wonderful part – I stepped out of the storm all around me. I just stepped out of it. It was nonsense. It is nonsense. All this fear and pain is nonsense. Yes, we are all on our separate journeys and fear and pain is usually somewhere on the path, but what do you do with it? Just dwell in it forever?
I stepped out of the storm and I looked up at the blue-grey smoggy sky. The sun was still shining, even through this sky. I decided that I am who I am, and it’s not a curse, it’s a blessing. Yes, I’m not perfect. Yes, I have issues. But I’m not a bad person. It’s not even in me…
I broke up with My Kind. Yes, I have been constantly breaking up with men that I’m not even with. And what? I had conversations with the people in my apartment. My Neighbor called me (after being out of touch for over two months because I wanted to talk about his offenses against me) and asked me to do some stuff for him, and I said no. I am writing this all nonchalantly, but it all hurt deeply.
I cried every step of the way, especially when I broke up with My Kind. I Loved him, you see. I really did. He had a pure Heart full of Love and such a Kind way about him. And he was thoughtful and considerate. And I don’t know why he didn’t pick me. I can speculate…
It wasn’t because he didn’t love me more. It wasn’t because he didn’t like me more. It wasn’t even because he was trying to be loyal to his girlfriend. It might have been because he would have had to be his full self had he chosen me, and he wasn’t interested in that kind of pressure.
Whatever the reason he didn’t choose me, I had to open my hands and let him go. Because he didn’t choose me. And this is called faith. This is an intentional act. What is it, God? What do I have to do?
-You Let go of something that you wanted.
Why?
-Because it does not want you. And it is blocking the thing that wants you from coming your way.
But why did I love him so and want him if he didn’t want me?
-Did you really want him?
…
-This can be your last storm. You can master this part. You can make it out of this kind of experience. Now. Today. Never again to be repeated. There is no need to curse him. He Loved you. We all know this. He Blessed your beating heart and you inspired him to come alive again…
Shall We complete this journey, now? In between two worlds, You are. In hand are keys to the other side. Know what you know. Know what you know. Know what you know. Know what you know. Rise up and be your full self. Free. Hold fast to me, Love. Hold fast to me. Rise up and let go of all that would bind you to the fog. Free… Free… Free… Here there is Love for you yet. Oh, there is Grace here for you yet. Look up to the Heavens, my Love. Look up… Look up… Your heart light as a feather… Look up. Let the pain fall off. Look up. Look up. Look up. Oh, it is such a brand new day. The storm is over, Love. Look up…
Ameen
Day 445
The Last Storm (Look Up)
And then the moments come when there is no storm. Freedom, freedom, freedom. The heaviness falls away.
Do you dare to think about your heart’s deepest desire? Do you dare to contemplate dreams come true? There are moments of bliss, like now, when your mind will take you there.
A pressure behind the eyeballs is released. A forehead is relaxed. Shoulders feel light. And you are able to go to a place where you can truly think.
And in my thoughts, I see freedom. There is no past. Body is healthy and free. Heartache is just an old story to tell to the young people. And You and I, God, we are one. My will is meshed with Yours. Our Will is one and the same.
And Our will is that we would live a life where the highest possible good of all affected by us is manifested with Our every thought and action. I ask what I should do with my life, and You ask me what my heart’s deepest desire is.
And I hadn’t thought about it in a while. What would absolutely delight me? I saw it this time, in my mind’s eye… My heart’s deepest desire was to be free. My heart’s deepest desire was to fully embody all that I am and to make so many things: books, movies, art; and to be good at making such things. My heart’s deepest desire was to Love so deeply and to be Loved… Oh, to commune with so many on this Earth. My heart’s deepest desire was to walk the Earth with an easy smile inside me, to submerge myself in a Hawaiian ocean and feel the water on my forehead. To kiss an open mouth and exchange breath with a True Beloved.
You granted me this image, a guidepost to walk towards. And You say that the image has already been complete in a place beyond space and time, but in this world of time, it will take some time to unfold.
I am not afraid anymore. I am back on track. My heart is back alive. I have found the very center of my being. It has been here all along; a place where everything makes sense. Oh, I wish I could explain it to you. I wish I had the words. But it’s not a word. It’s a feeling. It’s a tone. It’s a mood. It’s a color. It is a state of being completely unworried about what will happen next.
You will die, guaranteed. Maybe in your sleep. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in very old age or in an accident or a war, but when you are here, where I am right now, it doesn’t matter how you die. You don’t need to understand anything. Here and now, in this space, all that matters is living; and while one is alive, all that matters is the unfoldment of one’s heart’s deepest desire.
Life, I Breathe into you with all of me, with every single ounce of my Blessed Being. I let go of forcing and wishing and doubting and crying, and I allow you to carry me. I focus my will on the things that I would do with the time I have, and I thank you for this very special moment. I thank you for so many very special moments where you have brought me back home…
Ameen.
Day 444
The Heart’s Deepest Desire
Current situation:
Bedroom of my sister’s house. Hawaii. Big sis and niece sleep on bed. Other niece asleep in her crib. Me at the desk, in love. Tingling all through my hands. I really, really love it here.
It is like everything is possible when I am here. My brain works. There is a rainbow outside of the window… Smh… I have the cutest nieces. I Love my family.
There must be some reason we come from these tribes, traveling the Earth with these particular womb mates. I could complain all day, but at the end of the day, I love my tribe. I love my mom and my brothers and sisters, and I even love my dad, may his soul rest in peace. Thank you, God, for my sojourn in life with these people…
I want to write a Love song. I want to write a play. I want to Love everyone.In moments like this, nothing else matters. You realize that the people who hurt you, even you, even me, who hurts myself… It is because we/they don’t know moment like this.
They have never felt such overwhelming Love. They have never felt so connected to everyone and everything. If they have ever been to Hawaii, they didn’t notice the rainbows. They didn’t feel the breeze on their skin. They didn’t take in the smiles of the people here or look into anyone’s eyes.
They thought they were alone in this world. They thought they had to fight everyone. They thought there wasn’t enough to go around. They thought people were trying to hurt them or trick them or use them, and so they launched an attack first; so they held back what they wanted to give. They didn’t know that they could be honest and that there was someone in the world who would want to be with them and accept all of their flaws, so they lied and cheated. They didn’t know that they were good enough and worthy of their heart’s desire, so they pushed away what they really wanted. They didn’t understand what pure love is… they couldn’t feel it. Their hearts were guarded and blocked, and so they convinced themselves that the pure love you offered was anything but love…
And I forgive them… I just do. And I forgive myself for being that person; those people who could not let love in. It’s OK. It happens. I wouldn’t take one little piece back. I wouldn’t redo one little ounce of my life. It’s OK.
I know I don’t have the things that I thought I’d have at this age, but I’m realizing that I have more than I ever imagined. You see, I never imagined this kind of peace of mind. I never imagined feeling this connected and this much in love. I never knew that I could be happy with nothing, with anything. I could just be happy. I could just feel joy. I could just forgive. In any given moment, I could just open my hands and stop holding on to pain, stop holding on to resentment. It doesn’t mean you don’t hold people accountable. It means you don’t suffer because of what other people do. You decide. I never knew life was that simple.
You decide that you are going to surround yourself with people who love you, and that’s all there is to it. And when you make that decision, you begin to see clear as day who loves you and who doesn’t. You decide that you are going to be loving, and when you make that decision, you recognize when your heart is closed and you do the work to open and forgive. And you become discerning.
And eventually… Eventually, you begin to like yourself. You begin to understand yourself a little better. You make different choices about work, about food, about friends, about romantic relationships. You clean up the messes you’ve made and say sorry, make amends. You experience a moment for what it is: a moment. You are not in the future trying to get and plan. You are not in the past regretting, harboring, and feeling pain. You are here and now, with the rainbows, with the people you are with, with the task at hand. And you can bring the fullness of your being to the moment and relish it for what it is. You recognize that this life is not forever. This life is not forever…
It’s OK to be happy. It’s OK to forgive. It’s OK to Love and be Loved. It’s OK to let go of things that did not turn out the way you wanted… It’s OK to let go and life.. let God… whatever you want to call it… let yourself experience something better than you’ve ever imagined. Give yourself permission. Give yourself permission to be blessed. Give yourself permission to experience a moment of peace. Even now. Even in the midst of your biggest storms. Even as you waddle in confusion. Even as life is out of your control. Even as your heart is broken. Even while your legs are weak and your mind and your body doesn’t do what you want it to. You can still think about peace. Just give yourself permission to think about it, even if you can’t imagine it for yourself.
Give yourself permission to imagine a smile… May I take this moment of peace, Allah. May I remember it through the storms. And may these moment become more and more until I am a moment of peace, until I am peace.. May Peace become my breath. Take me over. Become my very nature. Joy, Peace, Well -being, I welcome you. Take me over…
I am thankful, Allah. I am thankful. Thank You.
Ameen.
Day 443
Moments of Peace
I made it through that moment in my car…
The best is here and now.
There is always so much to write about.
I Love You, Allah. Last night dreams came. They have been coming for the past few days, clearing my heart out. This happens to me. Dreams come and clear out my problems. I wake up with movie ideas, songs, poems. I have conversations with people and resolve issues in my dreams. Last night it was my brother and Sir Deplier. Sir Deplier said the thing that he would never say in real life. He apologized for trying to use me, for asking me for a thing that he would never give to me nor any other human being. And then he touched my face, with love. Like a brother. Like a father. Like a friend. He told me that he was gonna be there for me. He didn’t want anything. He wasn’t trying to angle in on me and see what he could get. He was all right with me ending my agreement to help him. He acknowledged that he didn’t deserve that agreement – at least not from me. He had not been good to me. He had been bad to me. He had seen me only as a tool to be used, not as a human being who needed help herself and love and care. He had not even seen that I was dying right in front of his face, and instead had been trying to suck more life from me… And so he said sorry. And he said that he’d be there for me from now on. He would help me out with things. He would be a friend…
And I realize that’s what I really wanted from him. I didn’t mind helping him out, but I felt so used. He didn’t give a shit about me. And I didn’t care about him being my man. I just wanted him to slow down. He used to walk so fast, and I would be walking with him, sick as a dog, not able to keep up, head spinning, feeling like I was going to faint. And he would walk ahead of me and then look back at me, annoyed. And then he would keep walking fast, trying to make me speed up. And I just wanted him to slow down. See that I was sick. Care. Ask me if I was all right. Hold my arm so I didn’t faint. Don’t make me have to fight him so he doesn’t steal my life force…
My dream of him was a fantasy, I know. But I believe that when I have dreams like that, I see the best of what people can be…
And then my brother came to me in my dream. My brother has been one of the biggest male influences in my life until recently. He’s two years older than me and as kids, we were best friends. Then, when I thirteen years, my brother stopped talking to me all of a sudden. Like, literally wouldn’t talk to me. I would say something to him and he’d totally ignore me. I would pass him in the hallway of our big house and he’d look straight ahead and act like he didn’t see me. We would be playing in groups and he wouldn’t interact with me. At the time, we had a lot of people living with us, so there were about seven kids my age in the house. The other kids noticed and asked why we weren’t talking, and I said I didn’t know. Finally, my mom noticed. She made us have a meeting and when she asked my brother why he wasn’t talking to me, he said it was because I was bad and I liked boys… It was probably one of the most hurtful things that have happened to me in my life. And my brother and I spent a great deal of our adult lives fighting each other. I started telling him he was an ass and a loser (in so many words) and that he had no authority to call anyone bad or good and he would continually try to prove that I was bad and that I would be going to hell one day and that no one should listen to me… Our issues were deep.
A couple of years ago, he came to live with me because he needed some help. He stayed here for nine months and didn’t do shit for me besides torment me and bring a hostile energy into the house. Gave me $200 when I finally demanded that he give me some money or move out. And during that time, my brother and I had a conversation. I don’t even remember what he did. Oh, yes I do. One of my sisters was going through a challenging time and was coming to me for help. I reached out to my siblings via text asking them to help me help her because I couldn’t do it all on my own. My brother didn’t respond to my text. He came home and acted like nothing had happened. I asked him if he had received my text, and he said that yes he had, but he had chosen to ignore it. And that’s when it happened. Just in a flash I saw an image of me banging and banging his head on the wall and beating the shit out of him. I have a temper, but I’m not really prone to thinking violent thoughts, but he had triggered a rage in me. And I went off on him. “You just gonna ignore my text when I’m asking you for help? And then come sit up in my house and take up all the space? How exactly do you think I’m gonna react to this? Just act like nothing happened?”
My brother and I had a long conversation about all the things he had done over the years. He was in his early thirties at the time, and somehow, he perceived himself as a loving, doting brother. “When is the last time you’ve done anything loving for any of your siblings?” I asked. He gave a reference of things he did when he was 14. Almost 20 years ago. We talked and talked. I had to go and pray in intervals because my brother is an ass and I wasn’t gonna get swept away in his asshole-ness. I was gonna bring love to the situation, so help me God, and we were going to resolve the bullshit that had permeated our relationship all these years. And finally, after more than four hours, we came to an understanding. He never said sorry for anything (that would be too much for him), but he thanked me for talking to him. And a thank you from my brother is a big deal.
And so for the past couple of years, our relationship has been cool. He moved out of my apartment because I wanted him to. Although our relationship had healed, he still had a long way to go as far as how he treated people and I just didn’t feel like being abused, used, or taken for granted anymore. My days of being a martyr were getting lame and I didn’t really care what anyone said. I come from a culture where women take pride in being abused by men who don’t give a shit about them. We think it’s part of being a woman, and part of being loyal. We stick with you. You didn’t have to do anything to get us, besides be a man and say you want us, and you don’t have to do anything to keep us. In fact, the worse you are, the more we want to stay and try to prove to the world (and ourselves) that there’s a good man in you yet! We learn this way from our mothers and our brothers and our fathers. The men are hardly held accountable for asshole behavior and always rewarded for just being there. And, in my opinion, it’s a disservice to all involved. You end up with selfish, egotistical men who see everyone and everything in the world as a tool for their use and you end up with broken, bitter, unhappy women. And then we teach our children (through our actions) to repeat what we started…
But I digress. I dreamed of my brother last night, and I was telling him off again. This time, I was talking about my sister. He had treated one of my sisters really badly recently, and I was going off on him. How dare he abandon us at the times when we needed him the most? How dare he? In my dream, he started crying. I had finally gotten through to him. He finally understood how deeply his actions (and lack thereof) had affected the psyches of the sisters who he actually really loves…
And then I woke up. And I was left with this realization. We all have our gifts. One of mine are my words. They break things up. They cast out demons. They can bring light and love and understanding and peace. And it’s not just me. I’m not special or anything. I’m just a writer. They made us think that we don’t matter – the writers. But look around: the holy books, the poems, the movies, the songs, the conversations. These words sustain us. These words transform us. These words heal us. These words can break our hearts. There are dancers and painters and architects and doctors and builders and they have their tools and their things to do in the world. We, the writers have our words.
Let’s use them. Speak the harsh truths and coat them with love. Break open a heart so it can beat again. Write a song that will take someone through for generations to come. Tell a tale that will wake someone up to their own power, and breathe life into your own self with your words. Call yourself the names that you want to hear: Beloved. Demand that others use words of truth and love if they are to be in your presence. If we demand good things from the universe, then it will open it bowels and deliver. But oh, we don’t believe. We sell ourselves so cheap…
I thank You, God, for Your beautiful dreams, washing my soul out, washing my mind out, taking the frown and the pressure out of my forehead, healing wounds buried deep. You are making a woman out of me yet… Thank you so much. Ameen.
Day 442
Dreams and Words
What a day… It’s 11:01am and I’m sitting in the backseat of my green Kia Soul, my good luck car that I won on a game show. I am sitting in the back of my car because I drove my car out of the house at 7:15am this morning in order to try and go work as a background actress on a TV movie. When I saw the traffic on the freeway, I realized that if I got on the freeway at that time, I would be more than an hour late to set. Plus, my shoes had broken that morning. Plus, the production on that movie had made sure to tell us that they would not be feeding us. Plus, production had told us to do some other things, which I hadn’t done…
So, I didn’t get on the freeway. Instead, I went to Target to get some new shoes, so that I could try and be a paid audience member on a TV show that was filming at 9:30a. I bought some nice shoes at Target, and some hair products and lip gloss and then I got back to my car at 9:00a. Then I went to the TV show location, which was 8 minutes away. By the time I found parking, it was 9:20. I went to the place where we were supposed to meet up with the coordinator and it was 9:32a when I arrived. The coordinator told me (and a group of about ten other people) that we were late, but she would see if we could work today. Twenty minutes later, she said that they were full and we couldn’t work today.
So, I walked back to my car, in my pretty green dress that my sis got for my birthday. I tried to walk staight in the new 3 inch brown pumps that I had just gotten from Target. I made it to my car, and realized that I had walked several blocks without feeling tired, and then I collapsed. Cried. Cried. Cried.
This is my life. And here I am in the backseat of my special car writing a blog and trying to get a grip. It occurs to me that this is one of those moments that the books I read refer to – the dark night of the soul. At this particular moment in time, I am supposed to rebuke everything I see, surrender to the moment, and set an intention in the direction of what I want for my life… And then take some action that is in alignment with that intention…
But can I tell the truth? I’m not feeling like doing that. I’m feeling afraid. My confidence is shot. I’m feeling like a nobody. I’m missing My Kind’s soft, brown eyes, and I’m mad at You, God. I’m mad at You. Because you let me experience the sweetest love I’ve ever known and then you took him from me… He was good to me. I am mad at You, because I am so old, and I have met so many men in my life, and it has taken me this long to actually meet a man who was good to me, who I have no complaints about, and you took him from me. In my entire life, I have only ever fallen in love with one single man who was good to me, and he fell in love with me, too, and now he’s gone.
And I don’t want to say any more prayers. I don’t want to do any more tricks, say this affirmation, have this thought, take this action in order to get Your grace. What must I do? I don’t even know. Am I bad person and I don’t know it? Is there a curse on me somewhere? Did I forget to say sorry to someone? I know I’m not angel, but I really try to be good. There are so many people who have done such worse things than me… they don’t even try to do anything good for anyone ever, and they don’t experience the kind of pain and sadness and disappointment that I have.
So what is it, God? What’s Your beef with me? What have I done? What have I not done? Why can’t I seem to get out of this bullshit life and do something good with my life? Round and round in circles I go… We try to make sense of everything. “Oh, you’re going through this time because you’re being prepared for a mighty destiny and you have to learn how to…” “Oh, you’re being punished for not doing your little sister’s hair ten years ago.” “Oh, someone put a spell on you.” “Oh, you have to ask God for forgiveness for the things you’ve done that you don’t know about.” “Oh, it’s all in your mind. You just have to be practical and get a job and stop thinking you have some destiny or some kind of special thing to do with your life. You can get all kinds of jobs.” “Oh, your heart gets broken because you let yourself fall in love. Just pick a guy who’s shown you he’ll stick around and learn to love him.” “Oh, the reason why you’re going through such a hard time is because you picked the wrong religion. Pick the right religion (say the right affirmation, do the right procedure, live in the right place) and everything will work out.”
The truth is, I don’t know why my life is the way it is right now, and if I told you a reason, I would just be making stuff up.
I want to do something different, though. I’ve had enough of this life, God. I’ve had enough of living like this, paycheck to paycheck, broken-hearted, unemployed or underemployed, sick, bottled up passion yet celibate… This is some bullshit. Not doing what I want with my life…
And the other truth is, I don’t know how to get out of this… I don’t have the answer.
A white butterfly flutters by my car. They say it is a sign of Your angels. I don’t know what it means. I’m sure there is some explanation for everything. Is it like Life of Pi? Do we just choose the explanation that works for us?
How can I move forward, God? I suppose that is the only thing I need to be concerned about. How can I move forward? How can I do whatever it is that I’m here on this earth to do? How can I be whoever it is I’m here to be? I suppose that’s all that really matters. And somehow, I know that a part of what I’m here to do depends on what I choose to do. I know that a part of what I’m here to be depends on what I choose to be. But that’s not the whole story. Because it feels like some things were chosen for me already. It feels like some desires where already a part of me before I decided I want them… And I see babies who come with their own things. My nieces and nephews are so different in their temperaments and interests and personalities, and it seems like they came out of the womb wanting certain things, even before they could understand what “choice” means…
So I come back to you, Allah. I’m not mad anymore. I’m sorry for lashing out.. You’re all I have. I want to be the things that I came out of the womb wanting to be, even I don’t know the fullness of what those things are yet. Something in me wants to say that ways have been blocked because they are not the ways for me. Those paths are not leading me towards my Divine destination. I’m not being punished. Not anymore. There are no spells. Sure, people throw them, but they bounce off of me. Things will all make sense before its all said and done.
In the meantime, let us come back to the original questions and take direction from the answers received once we ask them. How can I move forward? How can I do whatever it is that I’m here on this Earth to do? How can I be who I choose to be?
-When in the storm, come back to the center… The center. The center. Come to the center. You know what it is. You don’t have to understand it. The center. From here, you can see that your time is better spent doing other things than background acting. Your time is better spent taking action that will propel you forward, applying for work that brings you joy and utilizes your skills and talents, completing projects that will sustain you financially for the rest of your life.
Shall we get out of the car now, and start our day? Yes. yes, and yes.
Day 441
Circles (And Reasons and Choices)
Oh, these emotions… I absolutely Love being alive and experiencing so many things!
Good morning world. I had good dreams last night. Sometimes I am lucky and beautiful dreams come to me while I am sleep. I see poems, movies, books, premonitions, comforting images, scenes of closure, and I wake up feeling renewed and empowered and able, and whatever struggle I may have been going through suddenly becomes more easy.
It is challenging to capture in words, but a shift happens after these dreams. And so last night, I had dreams. Of Peace. Of Love. Of Progress. I understood some things. I heard a poem, “After The Storm”, which I can’t completely remember right now. I saw a man, the stranger I had seen in my Hawaii prayers, covering me, being my protection…
And it is over with My Kind. It is over with My People. It is over with Dream Lover. It is over with Mr. Almost Famous. It is over with Mr. President. It is over with He Who Came Before… It is over with this way with men. It is over with this way with life. Now is the time for aligning Spirit with Will with Action… Now is the time for pure Integrity. Now is the time for Loving Truth.
And I am OK with loss. I am OK with change. I am OK with a new way of being. I am willing to move forward. I allow myself to thrive. Love, take me Over. Grace, have your way with me. God, light me up and burn away all that is not true.
On the ground, pieces of me, shattered.
I pick them up, dust them off.
They are all there.
My smile remains.
Joy around the cracked edges.
Here, my feet still work.
And oh, my heart beats stronger than ever
Put me back together, Lord.
But no, you say. “Put yourself together.
Let the lies fall off and build with Truth this time.
Own up to your power.
Own up to your self
Breathe the breath of life into your bones.
Your turn, now.
I have given all you need…
Will you dare to act upon that which you know? Will you dare to tell the truth to yourself about yourself? Will you dare acknowledge the confused parts, the hypocrisy, the places that do not give life? Will you dare let them go? Will you dare set them straight? Will you dare allow for a life that is a dream come true? Will you dare believe that a dream come true is possible for you? Will you dare to trust yourself? Will you dare to know that it is OK to move forward? The next part is the next part. Will you dare to end the cycle? Will you dare to break the curse?
Do you see how they look at you? They know that you have work to do. I know that you have work to do. You know that you have work to do. We know that a good life, a real good life, a life of excellence, is in your DNA. We know this. We know that you need not suffer. We know this. You know this. We know that the lessons from this time, the lessons from these years have been immense. A training. An initiation into compassion and humility and forgiveness and love, an awakening of Truth and Brilliance in your soul. And oh, the men. You have served them well, and they have served you well also. You have showed them who they are, and they have reflected back the best and worst of you, as you have brought out the best and worst of them… All that is left is choice and action.
Your turn, now. Can you feel the weight fall off your forehead? Can you feel your shoulders free? The chains have been broken. No matter how. Through your sheer willingness to let go of all that is not true, We are granting you a chance at Truth. You may walk more lightly now. Understand? Understand Our meaning. You may walk more lightly now. But you must walk. You must show up for your own self. You must stand up for your own self. You must take action. You already know the way. Oh, there are helpers everywhere. You not alone on this journey. Know this. You already know this…
And oh, there is Love! Real Love. True Love. Honest Love. Know this, Laydie. Know what you know, because you know. Everyone doesn’t. But you do. You know what to do. You know how to be. You know who you are. Stop pretending like you don’t. You know I have blessed you with the gift of a mighty Love, and the gift of a mighty hand and I have planted such deep Joy in you, which you are only now discovering. You know I have given you words and Grace to share and move you through this world. Put yourself together now and show up in the world as you wish to be. You know the man will come; the one to cover you with his protection and Love. You know support is here already. You know you are success. Allow for it. Allow it. Allow it now. It’s your turn, babe. Show up for yourself and show up in the world as you truly are: Blessed, Full of Light, Gracious, and all the rest… It’s Your Turn.
Ameen.
Day 440
Your Turn
When I go to Hawaii, one of the things that I love most is being around my nieces and nephew. They are so full of wonder and joy and love. They are so open, and really all they want is for you to take care of them, love them, and share time and space with them…
I go out in the world today. It’s time to start making my own money again… My emotions are not balanced, so I’m gonna take a moment to write and hope that I can balance them out before I start interacting with other people…
God, I am still sad. I will tell you the good part of this. The good part is that I’m not caught up in my sadness. In the past, when I was feeling low, the feeling was I could see. I mean, I didn’t even see it. It was just a state of being, like a spell or cloud that I was caught up in. I was just sad. I felt powerless and I didn’t have any solutions except to cry every day.
Today, this sadness is different. It’s like I can stand outside of myself and see what’s going on. I can see that I’m sad. I can see why, and I can also see how not to get caught up in the downward spiral of events that this feeling can often lead to. I can see that the sadness will pass. I can see that I’m grieving, but I can also see what needs to be done so that the grief doesn’t take over my life, and so that my life can still be a good life. So I have grown up a bit…
And I know that what needs to be done in order for this grief to pass is to just let it pass. Don’t stifle it. Don’t pretend that this is not the first time in my life that I actually feel like I let a good man get away. Don’t get all desperate and try to force a result. Don’t go running to some distraction (man, work, new drama) so that I don’t feel anything. Just let myself feel and then let the feeling pass. It will pass. I know this, but in the past, I didn’t know it. I thought that sadness would last forever. It doesn’t, unless you don’t deal with it and hold on to it.
Can I tell you what happened yesterday? Yesterday I threw myself into my “to-do” list. I got back on my schedule and was actually done with my daily plan by 2pm. And I had gotten invited to a big time Hollywood event that evening…
But before I say that, let me say this. I have a house guest living with me. A sick friend who I’m helping to get medical care. I’ve known him for a long time, and he’s here with me because I’m actually the only person in his life who believes he’s sick. I know the feeling. When I was super sick, people didn’t know how sick I was, because I looked normal. My body was in shape, I still had an attitude and a smart mouth and I was bleeding or limping or coughing. People thought I was just faking, or just being lazy when I said I had no energy. People thought that I was just depressed or something and that I just had to get myself up and do stuff. But I was sick. And the worst part was, doctors didn’t know what was wrong with me, so I didn’t know how to get better… My friend is in a similar position. He’s been sick for a while, and doctors don’t know what’s wrong with him. He actually hasn’t seen as many doctors as me, because he doesn’t have rich family members who pay for doctors visits and he doesn’t know how to navigate the public healthcare system. So he came out to Cali. Because the public healthcare system out here is pretty good. And I know how to navigate it. So at the very least, I can help him see doctors and hopefully get a diagnosis. And I can tell him how to do other things that help a sick person who has no idea what’s wrong with them and can’t seem to get better. The other things account for at least 50% of well-being if not more.
And so I’ll get back to my story about last night. Last night, I had finished all of my work for day and I wanted to go this fancy Hollywood music event. I thought my house guest was going to go with me, because he likes music, but he was feeling sick, so he said he wouldn’t go. So I went through my phone book to see who I could invite. Who could I just go out with and enjoy their company? Who, in my inner circle, even cared about joy? Who was full of wonder and joy and love, and who was open, and would appreciate the love and care that I had to offer and would just want to share some space and time for a moment? I looked through my whole phone book, and there was no-one who I wanted to go with. There was something going on with everyone. Too busy caught up in whatever storm, too much stuff to do, too sad, too sick, too committed, too conflicted, too guarded, too picky about the conditions necessary to have fun, too crazy… It’s OK. I’m not judging them. I have been all of those things.
But what I realized yesterday is that there is not one person here with me in this city of grey skies that I can experience and express joy with. Nobody I know is really interested at the moment. At least they’re not interested in sharing joy with me… This made me very sad. Because I realized why I liked My Kind so much. There was so much joy and openness between us. And I realized why I had gotten caught up with so many silly men out here in this city. If nothing else, they offered smiles and connectivity and at least a few moments of joy…
I didn’t reach out to any of my exes. I would have in the past. I didn’t reach out to My Kind. I would have in the past. I didn’t reach out to any of the people I knew out of a desperate need to share with someone. Action motivated by desperation was not the answer for now… I would have in the past. Instead, I went to the event alone. There was a long line wrapping around the venue hall. I went into the parking lot to park and the guy said it was $20 cash. I didn’t have cash, so the parking attendant said I could park and then get money out of their ATM after I parked. So I parked. And I sat in my car. I grieved over the loss of My Kind, the one person who I know in this city who makes a conscious effort to be open and bring the joy wherever he goes… And then I had a thought. I didn’t really want to go to the event by myself. I didn’t really want to pay $20 to park. I was hungry. And I would have rather spent $20 on some good food. And so I went and got some good food. Then I called a friend (who lives out of town). Another being like me, who, despite being in the midst of a storm and feeling sad, had managed to keep his joy in tact. Another being who was aware that joy is the secret ingredient.
We forget about it. We don’t think it means anything, but subconsciously, joy, openness and a sense of connection are usually the things we are seeking when we get involved in so many destructive behaviors (substance abuse, toxic relationships, etc). The desire for those three things are so potent that we are willing to walk through many fires in order to just get a little taste of life. But what if we didn’t have to walk through fires?
It’s hard. I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard to just sit here and feel sad and not run to some “fix”. But I know that the “fix” won’t fix anything. Not in the long run. I know that if I don’t let the sadness pass through me, and if I try to suppress it, then the energy will just be here, sitting in the expression in my eyes, undermining any attempts at happiness I try to make. I know that it’s time to surrender my need to try and control everything all the time. I know this, and I thank You for this simple understanding, God. I thank You for putting something in me that helps me know what I need to do when I need to do it… I know that what my heart is really seeking is an unbridled expression of joy, in a way that is safe for me. I know that my soul is yearning to be open and connect in ways that are healthy and supportive of all involved. I feel like I have discovered something major. I’m not a love addict. I’m not boy crazy. I’m just full of a lot of Love an joy and up until today, I thought that the only way to express that was in the context of a relationship, regardless of how crazy that relationship might be. But that’s not true. The truth is, there are myriad ways to be open, there are myriad ways to express joy, there are myriad ways to connect with the world around you, and all of those ways can be safe, nourishing and bring good for all involved… Wow… And so now, armed with our secret ingredient, we move forward. I’m gonna go find some babies to hold…
Thank You, God. Ameen.
Day 439
The Secret Ingredient (Joy)
Oh Allah… I have the blues. Big time. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Sad. Heartbroken, actually.
I’m back in LA. And they say I’m not supposed to complain. I’m not supposed to speak about anything negative, lest I talk it into existence, but what do I do about the sad stuff? Do I pretend it doesn’t exist? How do I get rid of it? Or do I just sit with it?
I feel stuck. I am here in my life and I can sit and look at all the good things I have and it’s all relative. In some people’s eyes, I have a dream life, and to others, my life sucks. I appreciate everything You’ve given to me, but I just want to tell the truth right now.
I feel sad. I feel stuck. I know I must take some sort of action very soon, but I don’t know what action to take. I miss My Kind. I miss being fed love. He went back to his woman. I told him to. I had met him while he and his woman had separated. They had decided to see other people for some time. And he saw me. And I had the time of my life with him… It wasn’t like my past, adventures and romance. It was simple stuff: grocery shopping, cooking, exercising together, talking about one’s day… It was a touch full of so much Love. It was sincere prayers said with one another. It was pure, un-adultered honesty and genuine good-will towards one another. It was me being able to be vulnerable and still feel like he wasn’t going to trick me, he wasn’t going to lie to me, he wasn’t going to be mean… he was going to be there and he was going to be strong and have solutions for things if I didn’t have them all… He kept his word… There were no pass-codes on his phone and I could scroll through it if I wanted. He didn’t have secrets. He was funny and he would walk through my little defensive walls like they didn’t even exist… He never said a single bad thing about me… He told me how much he adored me and bought me clothes that I actually liked and that fit just right. I felt fed full of Love with him and I realized that I had been starving for quite some time. Maybe it was me. Maybe I hadn’t let anyone in. Or maybe no one had looked at me in a long time and just thought about simply feeding me Love because it pleased them, without a contract, without a deal of what I had to do for them or how I had to be towards them. No one had just offered me simple kindness and allowed me to be flawed, without demands, without judgements, in such a long time… And I didn’t have to be sick for him to be nice to me. I didn’t have to be weak or dis-empowered. I didn’t have to be made to feel bad or get with his program and be his helper. He was just nice to me.
And now he’s gone. I Loved him. Can I say that out loud? I fell in love with him. I fell in Love with someone for the first time in God knows how many years. And so I do have a heart after all…
I’m back in my city of grey skies. I don’t want to get over My Kind. I don’t want to move on. He was good enough. He’ll do. He wasn’t all fancy like some of the other men I’ve dated. He had a regular job and didn’t bounce around the world working with “important” and “powerful” people, like the men who have courted me. He didn’t have a bunch of money. He lived a quiet life in a studio apartment right on the next block from me, in the used-to-be-rich, now poor, about to be gentrified part of town. But I didn’t care about his money. I didn’t care about what he did for a living. I didn’t even care about his nerdy glasses or the fact that sometimes he couldn’t sleep at night and I had more muscles than him. Lol. He was the Most Loving and the Most Humble and the Most Kind and the Most Sincere… I had been missing that, Allah. I had been missing that…
I told him to go back to his ex because it was the right thing to do. She wanted him back, and he wasn’t completely sure about what he wanted… He had unfinished business with her and he needed to choose to finish it or choose to be with her. He chose to be with her for now, and so I let him be in his choice… But I miss him, Allah.
What do I do now? This life here is drab. I don’t want to close my heart up and go through the same old process, rebound men and nonsense. I don’t want to just dive into my work and act like I’m not alive. My friends and family here are too caught up in their own lives to feed me Love in the way that I need it. Is it OK to say that I need to be Loved? I kind of feel like I need to be Loved now… I want to be Loved, Allah. I want to be held by someone who wants to Love me and knows what that means…
Sigh… OK. Some things are out of my control. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know what I’m doing right. I don’t know anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like this whole world is a big, fat, make believe fantasy and nothing really means anything except for the meaning we give it. When I was little, people used to say I think too much, and maybe I do…
I’ll stop thinking so much for a while. I have a huge unfinished ‘to-do’ list. I think it’s time for me to just finish stuff. Stop worrying about the meaning of every little thing. Stop trying to control how I feel or don’t feel. Stop trying to plan how every little piece of life is going to work out. I don’t know how any little piece is going to work out. I don’t know anything, God. OK? I really don’t. I am on my knees, asking you, begging you to keep my heart open. I want to live. I don’t want to cry my life away. I don’t want to be on the outside of happiness, just looking in. I don’t want to have so much unfinished business and so much unexpressed potential.
I want to be done when my life is over. I want to live for real. I want to Love for real. Sadness is a part of it. I know. Falling is a part of it. I understand. I keep asking you what to do and you keep telling me what to do. No new stuff. That’s it. That’s my prescription. No new stuff. No new men. No new projects. No new ideas. No new movements. There is a backlog of un-executed life on my plate. Time to execute. Just go by the list. That’s it. Don’t think about it. Don’t close up your feelings. Feel. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to feel what you feel.
-The secret is, do what must be done while you are feeling what you feel. Don’t let the feelings make you do other things, like run and hide and rebound and stall. No. Stick to the plan. Your man will come. I promise. Your Love will be there. I promise, OK. Be patient. I have given you a taste of real Love. I know it is hard. I know it hurts, but you must keep going. You will glean new understandings through your forward movement. You now understand the difference between movement and forward movement… So keep moving forward, babe… Keep moving forward…
Day 438
What To Do About Sadness (Keep Moving Forward)
