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Day 426 – In Her Power (A Woman)

February 17, 2016

Dear God,

I am afraid. To start a life. To start over. I know I am supposed to be strong and brave, but I am afraid. Women are not taught to be this way. We are not taught to do things on our own, without heroes, without husbands, without fathers and mothers and anyone telling us what to do.

My identity is crashing. I am not supposed to be ok without a hero. But I don’t have a hero. I am my own hero. And I must be ok. For my children. For the women. For the people who come after me, the people whose lives I will touch. For myself and my smile. I must be ok. Even for the men.

Something is horribly wrong in our world. Women are not women. We are afraid little girls subjecting ourselves to all manner of trauma and pain… How can we be women yet fearless? Do they go together? How can we be women yet know what to do? How can we be free of heroes when we are women and all we know are heroes?

Something in me says that something is quite wrong. That we are out of place. Somebody tricked us and told us we were weak and dumb. Something in me says that we are much more powerful than we know.

I want to ride the wave, God. I am tired of flailing in the ocean. I want to ride the wave. But I am afraid of all the things that I do not know… Still, I want to ride the wave. I want to know my own power. I want to make it through this very critical time of my life with grace and ease…

I am sad that You did not give me My People. I want to pretend that I am OK, but I miss him. I miss him a lot. Why do you make my heart fall in love with men who will not have me? I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to find someone else. He was perfect for me. And he was a good man, Allah. Of the best. I thought that I was finally going to be able to explore joy and life with someone who had the capacity to understand and appreciate me…

And so I am here. It is 8:33am and I need to find a job today. And I need to finish filing some court papers today. And I guess I can not cry and feel sorry for myself all day. I guess I can not be afraid all day. I still need to eat…

Can You give me some confidence? Can You help me to know the Truth? Can you help this time of my life to be easy?

And then the sun comes up through the windows. I have never seen the sun shine through the windows in this house before. And You are telling me that this is how I become a queen: by looking into the belly of my own fears and facing them. There are no heroes but You. And You are in me. And so it is time to save myself. That is the secret that they never told the women. We must save ourselves.

Yes, the men will be there. Yes, we will live life with others. But we must find the diamond power within us in order to restore ourselves, and our world, even, back to balance.

How can I walk with my head up, Allah? I am afraid I will be alone. I am afraid that there will be no one able to understand me. I am afraid that I will always be the comforter and never the comforted. I am afraid that I will fail. I am afraid that I will succeed. I am afraid, God… You are asking me to be a woman who stands in her own power, and those are revolutionary thoughts. I am afraid that people will hate me. People will try to kill me. People will call me crazy. People will say that I am trying to be a man and, although men will admire me, they won’t want to marry me… I am afraid that life will never be easy like Hawaii again.

If I do this thing… If I stop being afraid… If I become all of me… I can not even write about it. I feel like I will die. I will no longer be me. A woman standing in the fullness of her power is a rare creature in our world, but I don’t see any other way to keep moving forward. Crawling will no longer do. Crying all the time will no longer do. Fear and pain and withhold will no longer do. And playing small just isn’t good enough anymore.

What does a woman in her power look like? Is this idea blasphemy? Show me the way to become the Truth of who I am. I must give up worrying about people calling me crazy. I must give up worrying about people thinking I’m doing stuff I’m not doing. I must give up worrying about what people think of me. Period. I must be ok with who I am. A woman in her power sets the tone. She decides what kind of life she wants to live and then she goes about the business of taking action to create it. This includes Love. A woman in her power includes Love, for that is the Source that will sustain everything else. A woman in her power forgives everything, for she understands that the energy of hatred and resentment will thwart her best efforts. A woman in her power is not ashamed of all that has transpired in her life in order to bring her to the moment where she finally realizes who she is… A woman in her power trusts… Yes. Trust. Trust, baby. Put that in your belly with Love. The demons don’t want you to know who you are, because a woman in her power always changes darkness into light. The demons will come to scare you. They will whisper things to you to try and keep you from seeing the Truth. Look within yourself and simply ask, “Is this true?”

You will see the lies easily. You will see your path easily. Don’t worry about assholes. They are assholes. A woman in her power participates in the creation of her reality by taking action. This is what the men understand. You must take action. Consistent action. Action that is in alignment with what you say you want. If you want a loving husband, you can not stay with men who do not show you love. You are not behaving in alignment with your intention. A woman in her power demands that her environment reflect the Love that she is, and her environment (and her man) responds accordingly.

It is time for us to take our place… In my belly, there is a fire burning. It is telling me that this fear will no longer do. It is telling me to step into my power as a woman. Redefine it. Understand it. Know that power is not a dirty word. And that power and woman are not oxymorons…

-If you believe you were born to be a queen, then what would a queen do right now? What would a queen do about My People? Give him an ultimatum? Chase him? Find another man? Wait?
-What does it look like to embody confidence? Not arrogance, but confidence. Confidence that God is for you and not against you. Confidence that I did not leave you here alone without guidance. Confidence that your life is a good life. Have confidence now. Your life is a good life, even if you can not understand it. Walk with the knowledge that you are pure and Divine. Walk with the knowledge that you are a Blessed child of God, and the Universe will respond to you accordingly… That is enough for today. It is time for action. Be Blessed, My One. This is the day that the Lord hath created. Let us rejoice and Be Blessed.


Day 426
In Her Power (A Woman)

From → The Renaissance

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