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Day 433 – What It Takes (The Sensitive Ones)

April 8, 2016

OK. This is my last attempt at posting a blog for the day. I have been trying to post a blog for the past two weeks, but always end up deleting everything I write.

I have fifty minutes of battery life left on my computer. I’m at Panera Bread and I am going to share something with the world. It may not be good, because I’ve been struggling for the past couple of weeks, but it will be from my heart.

My heart has been hurting. I am so sensitive. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive, but I know it comes with the territory. There are so many good things that come from me being sensitive. I’m an excellent teacher and I’m good at a lot of leadership positions because I notice things that others don’t notice, but that down side of that is that I’m affected deeply by so many things that others just let slide…

My neighbor took his airbed away from me. And it broke my heart. I know. Such a little thing, but it wasn’t. I had told him he couldn’t come and stay with me for a weekend, and the same day I told him he couldn’t stay with me, he came to my apartment and took his airbed, which he had let me borrow, without telling me he was going to take it. When I asked him why he took it, he responded by telling me “look at your situation. You have everything you need.” Afterwards, when we had a long talk about the situation, he said he didn’t know that I needed the airbed, even though I had specifically asked him to leave his airbed and blankets with me because I didn’t want to sleep on my bed and I had thrown away my blankets. He said he forgot that I said that. He was supposed to come in my house and get anther one of his items, and he took his airbed when I wasn’t there. I stopped talking to him after the incident, and then, a few days ago, he called me to talk about the situation.

He continued to say that he didn’t know I needed the bed and asked me to forgive him and be his “sister” and love him. He said that he missed me and that he didn’t want to go another day without me being in his life. And if I was a normal person, I wouldn’t be heartbroken about an airbed. I wouldn’t be heartbroken about someone lying about why they took an air bed. But I am not a normal person. : /

I think God has played some kind of horrible trick on me, but maybe it’s the only thing that would have worked with a stubborn head like me. I can’t do normal people stuff anymore. Like, literally, I think I cried for two days over this airbed situation. I don’t have unlimited stores of energy anymore, so I can work a regular job and then come home and do another job, so it means I have to be clear about whether I’m going to go for my dream or get another job, because I just can’t do both. And if I don’t pray or go out to nature, I start hyperventilating and can’t function straight. And I need so much help with things and my energy is so limited, that I really can’t hang with people who are only taking and not giving.

It is like I have no choice but to live a good life and surround myself with good people. And I’m laughing at myself, because this is what it took, huh God?

There is a cute little boy sitting by me. He just waved hi to me… lol. I kind of love the little kids…

I have backed myself into a corner, and I’m glad. If this is what it took, then so be it. I have to be around nice people, or I get sick. That’s OK. I have to choose how to spend my time, because I have energy limits. That’s OK. Because of my health, I am forced to be intentional about everything.

And I think I have to thank You, God. Thank You. This is the way out of the ocean. You have to be intentional, and you’ve got to back up your intentions with action. I wasn’t able to do it when I was well. I hung out with abusive dudes who didn’t give a shit about me, I wasted time doing jobs that had nothing to do with my dreams, just caught up in survival mode. I spent so much time starting and putting out fires that I didn’t really have the bandwidth to think about creating a life by design.

But now, in the stillness of this part of my life, I must create a life by design or else I will die. Lol. It’s that serious.

– Look at your life. Look at the areas that are out of alignment with the intention that you have set, and correct them. This is the way forward. Align, align, align. You asked to move forward, didn’t you? Don’t you see that this is the first forward movement you have had in years? All movement is not forward movement. Can’t you see that you are graduating? And it is not the world that has changed. It is you who has changed. It is you who has set an intention to Love and be Loved. It is you who has set an intention for truth. It is you who has set an intention to deliver your gifts and talents to the world while you still can. It is you who has set an intention to be the best that you can be… And it takes time to break habits and form new ones.

But we have given you this gift of sensitivity, so that you may stay on track and not waver too far from who you are. We are glad that you are glad. We are glad that you see what it took. When you learn to Love yourself, you will not need so much structure. You are becoming yourself, my dear. And this is what it took…

Ameen.

Day 433
What It Takes (The Sensitive Ones)

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