The sun came out today…
I’ve been in a vortex, a sad place for almost a month now. Hard to get off my couch. Used to be the bed. I have a couch now that calls me and pins me down when I am feeling sad. I was doing so very well, and then the first thing that happened is that my class at my spiritual center ended.
I was loving that class so much: the people, the stuff I was learning, the practices that were blowing my mind and making magic happen. And then it ended. The class was over. The daily practices that were having me so in tune with everything were over. The people were gone.
And I was by myself. While taking the class, I met such amazing men. The men in my life are always a sign of how my life is changing. I promise you, throughout the years, it’s like vortexes open up. I meet certain “kinds” of men, and I find that they usually reflect where I’m at and what I want in my life. The funny thing is, before meeting these “kinds” of men, it’s like I never knew they existed in the world…
When I was younger, I used to meet the bad boys. Ex cons, drug dealers, drug users, cheaters, gangsters… They were my introduction to men. And I thought that men were like that. My dad was a “bad boy”, a cheater and psychologically abusive manipulator of my mom, so I thought that’s just how men were… But then I got out of the bad boy vortex and I met super square guys. Guys who came from two parent households and had never been traumatized in their life. What a world. And along the way, there have been all kinds of men. The youngees, the oldies, the fabulous ones, the rich and famous ones, the powerful ones, the powerless ones, the ones who are living their dreams, the ones who have given up on their dreams, the ones who never tried… Men have been my doorway into the inner workings of the world. I’m not ashamed of it. Call me a whore. Or a Love addict. Or whatever you will. It’s all right. I’m just a woman trying to figure this thing out like all of us and men, and my relationships with them, have been my greatest teachers.
So a new wave of men came my way while I was doing the class at my spiritual class. The thing that they all had in common is that they seemed to be intentional, meaning, they seemed to be the kind of men who look at a situation and say something like, “I want to create a loving kind relationship” and then go about the business of creating things in their lives. They seemed brave. The one man who a decided to journey with for a while was named Phillip. He gets a real name. He was Super Fine. Tall, in tip-top shape, confident yet humble, discerning, intentional… I thought he was gonna be the one, but after a few weeks, he told me that he wasn’t ready to build a relationship with anyone. He had just gotten out of a very painful relationship and was going through a custody battle with his ex, and he just wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to hurt me, he said, and he left my life.
And I looked around, and no one was here. It was just me. My Kind was still around, but My Kind is the opposite of intentional, and he’d just be checking in with me waiting for me to tell him what to do while drifting further and further away from me energetically… I was alone.
I was so alone. A woman alone in the world. I admit, I have had worse problems before, but this loneliness – well, I hadn’t felt such loneliness since I was a preteen telling my mom that I had no friends… I had no friends. I had no man. And I had family, but I wasn’t living life with any of them, nor did I want to jump into any of their vortexes at the time. It seems like we all live in these different worlds. But here I was, in my own world. A world of deep sadness.
My first thought was to run: find a friend. Find a man. Find something to get into. I didn’t want to feel the feelings I was feeling. They felt so bad. I didn’t want to think the thoughts I was thinking. I was so mad at men. I was so disappointed. I was mad at the whole world. I was mad at the way so few people really love each, when we all say we want love. I was mad at the assholes who didn’t follow their hearts and compromised their true desires so much. My mom called to yell at me about working a job I said I wasn’t going to work, and I was mad at her for not knowing how to just love without trying to control… I was mad at myself for being here by myself with so few authentic connections. How could a deep, sensitive girl like me be in the world with no one to hold? With no one who knew how to hold her and touch her heart and soul.
I went against my first thought and decided not to run from my feelings. Much of my life had been created in response to me running away from my feelings: trying not to feel sad, trying not to feel lonely, trying not to cry every day. I had learned all this stuff in my spiritual class, and one of things we were taught is to embrace our darkest nights until we can see what the gift in them is.
So I embraced it. I embraced my sad, sad sadness. And I let myself think all the thoughts that I had been avoiding for so long. I dealt with it. I dealt with my anger towards my mom. I dealt with my brother betraying me so, so long ago. I had been holding on to my anger and pain from that for so long, and therein was the seed. Therein was the seed that formed the foundation for the relationships I have had with men for so long. Most of my relationships with men have been so similar to the relationship that I had with my brother: deep deep connecting and joy followed by unexplained abandonment and betrayal and finalized by blaming me for messing everything up because I was bad… I dealt with all of the things that I believed about single women my age, all of the things that I believed about women in general: that we were weak, that we weren’t supposed to do anything in life unless we were tied to the hips of a man. I even was lead to read a chapter from the spiritual book that I grew up with, and I read the verse that said that I was a bad person, and impure: another seed deeply planted in me. The belief that was bad and not pure… Nobody knows these things about me. They think I have it all together. Nobody knows that going deep and seeing all that is within you, well.. it can knock your socks off sometimes.
I looked back at my brother and I saw the ways I had harmed him all this time. In defense of my own self, I had always treated him like he was a nobody. I had always acted like he was stupid and like he wasn’t a good person and, by extension, I had treated most of the men I’d been with the same way. There it was. There was the erroneous behavior pattern that had been sabotaging many of my most sacred relationships. I found it in the middle of my dry heaving and tears…
Today the sun came out. I wrote forgiveness statements to my brother and so many others. I forgave myself. Everyone won’t understand this process that I’m going through. People will have their judgements and everyone won’t be willing to forgive me and move on… But I forgave myself.
And the tears stopped. Not because I ran away from them. Not because I pretended like I didn’t feel what I felt: of course I want to Love and be Loved. Who doesn’t? The tears stopped because I cried them all. Finally. I cried them all.
And after I had cried and cried, I made a decision. I decided to name myself pure and good and worthy of a greater Love than I have ever imagined. I know. This is the stuff of fairy tales and self-help books. I know that I don’t really know anyone who has the kind of Love that I want for myself. I know. Relationships ain’t shit. I know. But I also know that that’s not the whole story. I know that there are so many kinds of experiences that I have never even imagined I could have. I know this from my experiences with men. There are all kinds of people in the world… And I believe, God. I believe in the promise of a grand, glorious, wonderful life and Love, and I’m holding on to that promise until it unfolds as my reality. And I’m gonna help others hold on to their deepest heart’s desires. I’m in it to win it…
Yesterday, my baby niece told her mom to Facetime me. And I saw my two little buddies, my two-year-old niece and four-year-old nephew. They made my day. I Love them so much and I do believe they love me, too.
Today I went out into the world. I went to a car auction. I was the only woman there, and there were all these rough looking men in mechanic suits with long hair and full grown beards and scruffy clothes. I was dressed just about as natural as I could be: ghetto with a faux name brand hoodie, tight jeans, a spaghetti strap shirt and old lady tennis shoes. My hair wasn’t combed and it was in a super natural tomboy style. I had some fake gold hoop earrings on and my glasses. It was me. The way I was dressed today represented exactly who I really am, and for some reason I wasn’t nervous. I was over being nervous. I just wanted to buy a cheap car so that I could sell it and double or triple or multiply my investment exponentially… And strange thing happened. As I walked into the auction, the men greeted me with their eyes. It was like gangsters acknowledging another gangster. I felt respected. And when the auction started, and I started to bid, a few men advised me on which cars I shouldn’t bid on (I had come too late to go inspect the cars myself). “That one doesn’t start up,” they told me. “This one has a bad engine.” I left the auction before it was over, and the auctioneer stopped his auctioning to make a joke with me about leaving and tell me he was glad I came. “I hope you come back,” he said…
Later, I went to the grocery store, and I saw this sweet looking tall guy smiling at me. He was so handsome. He spoke with an accent and asked me how my day was. I spoke with a smile and told him my day was good. I resisted the urge to ask him to marry me immediately. lol. Instead I went about my way, thankful, God, for the hope and the signs that you give me.
I am woman, but I can be OK in a world of men. Men can be supportive and bringers of good news. That is what I learned today. I don’t have to act like I don’t want a man. Of course I want a man. But I can be patient. I’m being patient. I’ve had enough good times tied to the hip of some man. I can be patient now and wait for the man who is ready, willing, and able to breathe life into a Queen…. In the meantime, I’m going Queen up. At my own pace. Deal with myself. Heal everything. Heal everything. Can’t keep walking with all of these wounds like weights around my feet. Heal everything. These are freedom songs. Heal everything. It was Love that You sent me for. I know it. Heal everything. Let my big, strong Loving heart be free to thrive at last… Heal everything…
I’m gonna keep on, God. I’m committed. I’m gonna keeping on being me. I’m gonna keep on getting stronger. I’m gonna keep on moving forward. I’m going to keep on practicing all of the wonderful things you are teaching me. I’m not giving up on me. I’m not giving up on the promise to fulfill this destiny of mine. I’m encouraged. And I am grateful.
Thank you so much.
Ameen.
Day 457
In A World Of Men (Heal Everything)
Hey.
I just wrote a blog and deleted it. It was about men and magic. I was talking about My Kind and how he had taught me that men can be kind and caring and how we are finally ending our “more than friends, but not friends with benefits but less than dating” relationship. It’s time, but it’s tough to let him go. I know… I know. I could have married him, though. I could have.
I know… We don’t have the same values. We don’t have the same interests. We don’t want to grow in the same direction in our lives. Not right now. But his heart – his heart did my heart some good. He managed to break through all my walls and open up a door of kindness and compassion in me. He saw me. He saw the very best in me, even though I was so low when he met me. He was always happy to see me. He gave me gifts that I needed; gifts that I didn’t ask for. He didn’t hang up the phone on me or disappear when he got upset. He was kind. He didn’t try to control me or ask me to be anything but what I wanted to be. He asked me if I had eaten and shared food with me and bought food for me. He held me when I was angry instead of yelling at me or insulting me or pushing me away. He opened car doors and carried backpacks and took out trash. He didn’t sit around, knowing I was sinking, and not lend me a hand. He went to the park with me, even though he hates parks… And this morning we had an argument. He had done some silly stuff… Actually what he had done was kind of foul if you think about it too long… But he didn’t know what he was doing. And that’s the sad part. That’s the deal-breaker, isn’t it? It is in his nature to be honest and kind and sweet, but he is not always in integrity with his nature, and at this moment in his life, he’s not interested in being in integrity with his true nature…
I Love him still. I just Love him. I’m tired of not loving people who I really Love. I Love him. That’s it.
But we won’t be moving forward with a romance. And it’s the end of my companion. He’s been a part of my life for the past ten months. Can he change, you ask? Yes, he can. But he doesn’t really want to. Not right now. He might make some changes on behalf of trying to keep me, but it won’t be authentic… God, tell me what to do. You say I already know…
I know that if I really want to be this sacred woman and I really want to do all this work I want to do in the world and I really want my emotions to be stable and I really want to feel safe in the world and I really want to nurture a connection with my deepest Spiritual self and I really want to live in a clean environment and be disciplined and make progress… I know that if living a life of excellence is important to me, I know that if living my Divine destiny is important to me, then being partnered with him is not the move… He’s not on the same page as me right now. I know this. But I’m gonna miss him, Allah… I have let go of a lot of people in my life. I want to keep people now. You understand? I know that everything is not good for me and I don’t need to be involved with everyone, but I’ve let go of so much. I’ve let go of so much… It hasn’t been easy to let go of so much in such a short amount of time… Do You understand that I’m a human, too, and I’m loyal? And I miss the good parts. I miss the good parts of my friends and my exes, even though they may have been assholes… And I don’t want to just give up on people, because there were people – terribly flawed people – who didn’t give up on me when I was at my worst and who saw me through until I could get to a place where I’m not crying everyday anymore and I’m feeling like living now…
I miss the connections that I had with the people who have seen me at my worst and stuck with me and championed and encouraged me… My Kind has been there for me. He has been a very important part of my life. And I know there are better men. I know there are men who are more compatible with me. But there will always be better men. There will always be people who are more compatible. Sometimes you just want to stick with a thing. Can you believe I’m saying this? Sometimes you just want to stick with someone, flaws and all. Sometimes you decide that someone is good enough, and that’s all there is to it. And My Kind is good enough… but he is prone to doing such silly, dangerous things; things that can really cause serious damage to himself and the people involved with him. And if I stick with him, he will cause me some collateral damage. I know. He’s not ready. He’s not ready to hold a woman’s heart in his hands. He said it himself. I might as well believe him, ‘cus it’s true.
I hate fighting with him. I really hate fighting with him. Can you believe it? Me. I actually hate fighting with someone. A change has finally come…
He will come around one day. One day, he will want nothing else but to be in integrity with his true self, and he will be such an awesome man. He is such an awesome man. But today… Well, today, he’s just not there yet. And being with me is not gonna get him there. Being with me is going to keep him comfortable and stagnant and blind about the areas he wants to grow in… I know. My time is up, isn’t it? My task is up. His task with me is up. He has taught me about Love and Compassion and he has helped me to know, experientially, that men can be kind. I am grateful. I hope that I have shared something good with him and made his life a little better. You say that I have.
Can he be my last boyfriend, though? The last man I date? I want him to be my last boyfriend. I want the next man to be my husband, and so I will make wiser choices. I will talk to You before taking action with the new dudes. And can I still Love him? Can I still Love the people from my past and still talk to them and connect with them from time to time even though I am moving on to new stuff? I Love them so much, Allah. I really do. Can I meet and marry someone who is OK with me being me and ok with me Loving whoever I want to my heart’s content? I will be respectful. I know now. I know how to make a safe space for a man now…
The men who are knocking on my door these days are ridiculously amazing. They are so Loving… They are so Loving, Allah. I didn’t know that these kinds of people existed in the world. They are so Loving and kind and strong and brave… Lift me up, please. Lift me up. This new stuff is so much. It is so magical that it scares me sometimes. I don’t want to mess up anymore. I don’t want to mess up. Please protect me, Allah, as I step into this brand new world and this brand new way of living and being. I am such a little baby. I am so sensitive. No one knows how sensitive I really am. I feel everything so deeply, but I don’t want to close myself up anymore, because my sensitivity is my gift. It’s my gift. My big heart is my gift. I know this. Please help me as I throw myself wide open again.
I want to be wide open. I want to be wide open again. You understand? I don’t want to be broken or bitter or jaded. I want to be fully alive and open, but not stupid. Wise. Wise and discerning and powerful and kind and compassionate and joyful and giving and Loving… I want real Love. I want to be so good to someone and I want him to be so good to me. No more hurting each other. I actually want to stick with someone – someone awesome – through thick and thin and just be able to relax and know that I am safe in my Love. I want to rest in Love now. And I want to Live now. Not a fake life. Not a “get by” life. Not a life full of settling and compromise. I want to Live the life that I was sent here to Live. I want this more than anything. I want to give away my words and my books and my songs and my dance and my creativity and my deep Love and I want it to touch the Earth and make things better, not worse. I want to be true. Do you understand? Do you know how bad I want this? I want it more than anything else. I want to live with integrity more than anything else. It is time… It’s just time for me to live…. And I that I can have and be everything I want and more with Your Grace.
But You know that dealing with men and being in the world has knocked the beJesus out of me in the past and almost killed me. And I’m a little afraid of coming back to the world and being so open and vulnerable, and so I’m asking you, Allah, to please keep me safe. Please help me to be wise. Please protect me. When I am Loving, I haven’t always been able to see the bad things in the world… My whole body is tingling right now. As I’m coming back to the world of men and the world of work, please keep me away from assholes. Show me how to stand up for myself and still be Loving. Help me to activate my brilliance, please. Please send people my way who will walk with me and hold my hand, and if no one is here to walk with me at the time, then please give me the strength and faith to get up and keep moving forward when I am on my own. I know I am a magic lady and people will not understand me or my way of life and they will judge me and not know that I am good and that I have good intentions. Please help me to be able to Love and accept myself and be happy and forgiving and kind with myself even if I don’t have validation from the outside. Even if nobody really likes me or approves of me, please help me to approve of myself and like myself…
I am asking for Your help, Allah. I am petitioning all of the Angels and Guides and helpers and Lovers and family and whoever else gives a shit about me. I am petitioning my dead daddy and my friend who passed away, who loved me so much… Listen. I am endeavoring to live my Real life. I am ready now, you hear? I am ready now. I get it. I understand. I am ready and I am willing to move on to the next phase of my evolution. I get it. I understand what the alchemists taught. You have to change. It’s not your life that has to change, it’s you. You have to change and then you become the life you are seeking… I am committing to live my Real life: bold and powerful and loving and kind and magical and unapologetic, and yes, I have changed. Look. I don’t even like being mean anymore. I have changed… And so I’m ready for this new stuff. I know that I’m setting myself up for some massive growth. I know that I have absolutely no idea about what’s going to happen now. I know that I won’t feel like I’m in control of everything any more and I have to be ok with that. And I’m ok with that. But I’m gonna need You to help me, ok. I don’t even know what I need help with, but You know. Help me. Help me be my True self. When the fear and the doubt tries to take me over and has me paralyzed and afraid to move, help me to remember the Truth, please. And when I know what the right move is, but don’t want to let go of something I loved, help me to make the right move anyway. And when I am feeling alone and misunderstood or when I make a mistake and I can’t see the future, help me to get up and move forward anyway. Help me to value myself and do the things that I know are good for me and the things that I know are good for other people. Help me to think about how my actions affect others before I just say or do any old thing… Help me gather all of these lessons that I’ve learned over this time and make a powerful, beautiful life out of it. Help me be a Blessing in this world. Help me to anchor compassion on this Earth… I’ll stop writing so much now.
Thank You, Allah. I’m going to get up now and eat some food. You say the men aren’t going to break me this time. You are cosigning on my readiness. You say that now, now that I am ready, it is time to truly practice using my will. Don’t be afraid of the magic that is happening. Don’t be afraid of how quickly your prayers are answered. You’re not a bad person. You are a person who is learning to align her will with the will of the Universe, and life moves much quicker when you are in alignment. No more words now. Get up and get on with your day.
Hmmm. Men. And Magic. And Stuff… Ameen.
Day 456
Men and Magic (And Stuff)
Good morning world. This is day two of a twenty-one day detox diet that I started. I have a cold. This is also the day that I come back to the world, after taking a five-week spiritual class and doing all sorts of inner work for the past month or so.
I have a cold. Now, I recognize that this cold is going to try and stop me from moving forward today. It wants me to go lie in the bed and call this day a bust. It wants me to not send out the emails I need to send out so that I can start working on a massive new project, and it wants me to not continue with this diet. It wants me to stay in the house and not get my vitamin D from the sun today. It wants me to not write this blog and to not connect with the world like I have been planning on doing today.
Well, guess what, cold? Not happening.
I’m looking at a box of Trader Joe’s Vanilla Sandwich Creme Cookies. They are so yummy. But I can’t eat them today. I can’t eat them for another 19 days. I can’t eat any sugar for another nineteen days. Let me say that again. I can’t eat any sugar for another 19 days. And, after my body goes through all its changes from this detox, I might not want my Trader Joe cookies anymore. Lawdamercy.
I’ve learned so much in this past month that I feel like I’m overfull. I’ve been taking in all of this knowledge and wisdom and Love… Well I’ll be. My Kind just called me and told me he’s leaving work early. Something’s going on in the atmosphere. Last week, My Kind called off work for two days and wanted to hang out with me both days. I think I’ll give him my Trader Joe cookies if I see him today. Keeping them in the house is too tempting.
Lord, what I’d like to do in this moment is become aware of my connection with You. I’d like to thank you for all of the changes that are happening in my life. Oh, everything looks the same from the outside, but on the inside… I am so good. I am so good, God, and I am so grateful. Something shifted in my head. I kind of feel like I have a new brain. And this time, when I come back to the world, it’s not because I want to get anything. It’s because I feel like I have something to offer. Yes, I want to experience real love. Yes, I want to know about money. But I already know about money. Isn’t it crazy? In my two+ years of being sick and out of work, I learned about money.
There’s not an emergency. You don’t have to go scrambling about, investing every ounce of your being into trying to think about how to make money. You will live. You will eat. Trust me. I know you don’t think you will. I know you have things and ways of living that you want to keep. I know you want your own things and you don’t want to have to ask anyone for anything, but what I’m trying to tell you is that there is a life beyond survival mode, and it is so rich, and it will compel you to dig deep and see what else there is to living once you stop worrying about money.
I was forced to stop worrying. I’ve had a job since I was fifteen years old, and I’ve always had my own money, but I was forced, through my sickness, to sit my butt down and stop with all the working for money. And I had to learn how to ask people for help when I needed it. And I had to learn how to be humble. And, because I was at the mercy of other people’s kindness, I learned what real kindness is. I learned what real Love is. I learned how to be there for another human being. I learned about how important it is to see the good potential in the ones you Love when they are at their worst. I had to learn where to find strength from when my body didn’t work and when I thought that I was a nothing. And I found it. I found the strength that had always been in me. I found the power that had always been in me. I found the Love that I had repressed for so long. And I saw all the broken parts of myself that I had been rejecting for so long: all of the pain, all of the disappointments, all of the ugly things. And I embraced them. “Oh you. You have been trying to tell me something all along. You have been trying to wake me up. You have been trying to bring me home…”
I feel like I have been through a beautiful, ugly, magnificent initiation. And now I am ready. Oh, can I tell you how sweet it feels to not hate anyone? Can I tell you how good it feels to forgive? It is the most freeing thing. And to be able to be in the present. I’ve always heard people say that, and I finally understand what it means. It means you can let go of your past, and when you become afraid of something based on your past experiences, you can say, “The past has no power over me” and be in the present, and choose how you want to show up in the present moment. For example, if you’re a woman like me who’s mostly had a bunch of bullshit relationships with guys, and you meet a handsome new guy who asks for your number, you don’t have to have a panic attack and act all weird because you are thinking about how handsome guys in your past crushed your heart. Under their shoe. Lol. You can say, “The past has no power over me” and stop projecting all of things you think might happen onto this new guy, and instead of freaking out, and instead of acting all defensive around him and playing games, you can choose, in the present moment to be open to the good that God has for you, and you choose to see him for exactly who he is.
These are miraculous things that I’ve been learning… I’m happy about them. I feel good enough now. Isn’t that a trip? I know I’ve always been good enough but I never felt like it until now…
I have stuff, you hear? Me. I have me to offer to the world. And that’s good enough, you hear? I know it now. And I don’t have to go around the world trying to be a helper bee and trying to make other people happy. All I have to do is be myself. Be honest. Be True to myself. And my ghetto attitude is going to resonate with someone who is only touched by that language. And my joy is going to give someone else the idea that it’s ok to be joyful even though life doesn’t look so good on the outside… This is the way we help each other. This is the way we are all united.
There comes a time when you must recognize that you are all right already. You, with all your scars and your secrets and your resentments and your self-loathing and your lies. Yes, you. Of course you will change. Of course you will grow. But right now, in this moment, there is a part of you that is good. It has always been there. It will always be there no matter how many layers you try to cover it up with. And that good part of you, well, that’s the real Essence of you. You can Love it right now. You can recognize, right now, that there is something about you which is good, and you can hold your own self in your own arms and nurture that innocent spark of light that lives in you. The rest will fall into place. Eventually you’ll start making changes. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Try Loving yourself. Just give it a try. Try telling yourself “I’m all right already.” You don’t have to live up to all of the world’s expectations to be able to smile. And you don’t have to let all the assholes who want to talk shit about you define who you are. Give yourself your own name. Call yourself all right. Even if you don’t believe it yet, consider the possibility that you’re a good person. Just consider it, and be willing to know it if it’s true… Forgive yourself, just like you forgive all those others… You can do that, you know. You’re all right already, baby. You’re all right…
Ameen.
Day 455
To Be All Right Already (Self Acceptance)
I’m really happy right now. I’m just going to write free form and let what comes out come out.
I feel like I’m in love. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been cheating on you. I have another journal. A journal that I write in my own handwriting in cursive. I have to keep it for this class I’ve been taking. I started taking a class at my spiritual center about a month ago. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
Foundations. The class is about foundations. And so is this blog.
The class is way more intense than I had anticipated. We have to read at least six chapters of information a week, plus we have to write a daily journal, pray every day, meditate every day, and do all of these activities that force us to explore the inner dimensions of our conscious and subconscious beliefs, thoughts and feelings. Then we have to do more work so that we can identify ways of being that are not in alignment with who we are becoming and change our ways of beings. What a concept…
I’ve been doing the work, though, for the past four weeks, but it takes about two to three hours a day to do this classwork. On top of that, everything else in my life has been changing rapidly. A recent flow of income has made it so that money is not one of my major worries anymore.
And my heart isn’t broken about anyone any more. And I’ve been making peace with the relationships in my life… And my health is much, much better. I had to change my whole life in order for my health to get better, and I am changing my whole life.
I don’t want to write a lecture or a sermon today. Earlier, I was thinking about the purpose of life. What is the purpose of life, anyway? I was praying about it. We live, we work, we die, but why? I remember being a little girl and pondering deeply about these things. I remember being teased because people always said I think too much. I always wanted to go deep with things and find out why things were and are the way they were and are… But today I came to something.
Some of us come here to help others find their way home, but before we can help anyone else, we have to find our own way. We have to understand. None of this may be true, but this is the story I am deciding to live with for my life.
I am sitting in the Writer’s Guild library in the middle of Los Angeles, California. I just had lunch with my good friend, the only real female friend I have in this town. On the streets, fellow dream seekers and dream catchers and dream makers are going about their business. They have interesting shoes and all kinds of hairstyles… This is no Hawaii with its clear blue skies. This is not Down South with its nice people and deeply rooted communities, but this place has its own beauty. This is a place where people come to dream and make their dreams come true.
This is a place full of brave souls who know how to whether storms…
I am sitting in the Writer’s Guild library, about to follow-up on an email for a job that just fell in my lap. I am about to do some research on how to write television shows… My belly is full. There are cute men everywhere. I am single and free and I like my life right now. I actually like my life for the first time in such a long time.
It feels like how I felt when I first came out here. Everything is ahead of me. Everything is possible. But I know more now. I am ready now. On the horizon, I see a new kind of experience beckoning me. It is easy. And I don’t mean that there’s no hard work. I mean it is easy because I can see where my hard work is taking me. Up and up and up and out and out and out and in and in and in and deeper and deeper and deeper. Beautiful secrets right in front of my face that I have yet to discover. I am excited about learning. I am exciting about demonstrating the things that I learn. I am excited about sharing and connecting with people. I am exciting about helping this world to be a better place in a real way. I am exciting about constantly evolving in a real way. Oh, I am excited about Love! In a real way.
On the horizon, I see Love. Real Love. Not just romantic love. Love between siblings. Love for my mom. Love for my work. Love for other sentient beings… And I see a man, too. And with him, love does not equal pain. Love equals Love. Love equals Trust. Love equals Integrity… Love does not mean that I have to make myself small and assume a new personality and stop going for my dreams and feel heavy all the time… On the horizon, there is an expansive Love. It is better than anything I can imagine… And oh, how I will Love! I know what that means now. I know what it is to Love now. Whoever it is that’s gonna wife me better get ready. He is going to be so full to overflowing with the Love I give him…
I know. It has taken me a while to get here. I forgive myself. I hope you forgive me too. I’m not going to say, “I had to go through this to get to that, and the reason such and such happened to me is so that I could learn such and such and let go of such and such”. I’m not going to try and explain away a whole life. All I can say is that I am grateful that my life thus far has been so full and delicious and that I have had so much drama that I can at least write five to ten books and movies just based on my life experiences… All I can say is that I am OK with being a single woman in her thirties with a huge, open heart and a big smile and bright eyes. I am OK with having a computer and a car and a little apartment in the middle of the big city. I am ok with having the mother and the siblings and the extended family that I have and I am ok with my friends, my inner circle of misfits, artists, angels, logic minds and crazy heads that walk through this life with me. I am ok with my amazing spiritual center and all of the lovely people there whom I have gotten to know in the past month…. I’m just ok with my life… I have everything I need. I have more than I ever thought I would have.
I have an inner realization that my life is a good life. I am OK. I am good. Do you understand? I am a good person. My life is a good life. I never knew that. I never understood that. I’ve been walking around with my head down for so long… I can look up now. I am OK. You have no idea how monumental this realization is for me. It changes everything. It changes every single blessed thing. To know that I am good… Wow. To know that I am good… Do you know what that means? If I am good, then that means that I deserve good things. It means that I can open my arms and accept all of these blessings that have been coming around me for so long… To know that I am good means to know that I can do good things. I no longer have to hide out in my apartment thinking that I have no value, thinking that I’m a nothing. I’m a good thing and I can share that with people now. I’m a good thing…
I can go on and on, but I just want to share this little piece. The lady sitting at the table across from me keeps staring at me. Yes, I am crying underneath my glasses. Do you want to cry, too? I am happy, my darling. These are tears of joy. I hope that you are happy, too, and if not, I will know this for you now… I know that you are good. In all of us, there is a spark of light. There is good in all of us… This is how I will rebuild my life. This is how I will build my new identity… With foundations of Truth… Ameen. Thank You, God. Ameen.
Day 454
To Know That You Are Good (Foundations)
Hey… Life is moving on… I am in awe by how differently one can feel from one day to another.
I remember when I was at the worst of my health crisis. I thought my life was over. I thought I’d never be able to walk one whole block on my own again, much less run and dance. I thought my brain wouldn’t work again and I would be a nervous wreck forever, just being a burden on people… But I am here today.
And I can walk from one block to the next. And I can run. And my brain works again. My brain works again! You have no idea what it feels like for your brain just not to be able to work, especially if you are used to your brain working… I am here and my heart doesn’t hurt so much. There are little dark spots instead of massive clouds of dark energy all in my body.
I am here. And I am grateful. What if I dared to say that life is good? Would that be ok with you? Would it be ok if me, the broken, sad, not good enough, crying every day, drama-filled, little person became someone else? Would it be all right if one day I wrote a blog and said, “I sold a script! They paid me a high six figure salary. I’m out of debt!!!” Would it be OK if I wrote, “I said yes. My People (or someone far more fabulous) asked me to marry him and I said yes.” Would it be OK if I said that we bought a house in Hawaii, but we live in our condo in LA part-time? Would that be OK, God?
Me. The nobody. People have gotten used to me being this way. Would it be OK if I just changed? Would they feel betrayed if I didn’t have so many sad stories any more?
Something changed. This week. Already. I swear I have met more fine, eligible bachelors this week than I’ve met the whole year combined. And they like me! I had forgotten what it felt like to be liked and pursued by a man. I had forgotten so many good things. And the judge signed off on my court case against my job. I should have a settlement check within 30 days. And I worked a one day job that paid me more than I’ve been making in a week these days. And some kind of way, my heart got over My Kind and I’m able to be his friend. And I’m glad I’m his friend because he’s kind to me again. And I spoke with an old friend that has such a high vibration. He comes from a similar place as me, a dark, dark place of pain. And he made it out! When we met, we were both working a low paying job in LA, talking about our dreams. And he moved to New York to pursue his dreams. And years later, he’s pursuing them! He’s living them!!! And he has seen so many painful things in life, but he chose the light! He chose it and he’s living in it. He’s an awesome one… And our conversation was so lifting. It was so lifting to speak to another one of my people. And yesterday I ran into someone who I had met many, many years ago, when I first came to LA. Another kind soul. Many years ago, I hadn’t been able to see him. Like, I just brushed him off as another LA dude. But yesterday, I realized that he’s a sweetheart. A good person. He has joy in him and he can smile and laugh and he’s humble and he doesn’t curse… And the other day the gas man came to turn off my gas, but I just happened to be home, because you told me to stay home that day, God, and I just happened to have just enough money to give him so that he didn’t turn off my gas that day.
And so I have lights. And I have gas. I have food. And I have clothes. And I have friends – not so many, but enough. I have enough friends. And I have at least one person that I can vibe with and speak truth with when I’m happy. And I have my beautiful sisters who write me poems and songs and are such beings of light… I’m feeling pretty lucky, God. And my settlement check is going to come and I’m not going to have to worry about money for a long time. If I’m smart and make some good investments, I won’t have to worry about money ever again… And men!!! OMG I’m feeling so brand new. Men like me again. So many of them. Now I’m wondering how I’m gonna choose one!!!
So life is changing. Just last week I thought I was losing my mind, and probably was. I probably did. But now you are telling me that me dreams are coming true. My dreams are gonna come true, and my dreams are big dreams. How can I handle this? Is it OK? Is it ok for me to be someone different? Is it OK for me to be wanted and received in the world? Is it OK for people to see the best in me, for me to give the best in me? Is it all right for me to have, like, money and nice clothes and shoes that don’t make my feet hurt? Is it OK? OMG… Is it ok for my eyes to be all the way white again? They’re getting white again and my skin is getting clear… I promise I won’t be arrogant. I promise I won’t get all judgemental and start looking down on people. I promise I’ll keep working on myself and purifying and purifying. God, I think my life is changing, and I Just want to know if it’s OK.
A part of me feels like I’m betraying another part of me. It’s so weird. Like I feel like I’m leaving the sad me and the not good enough me behind… and the poor me… and the broken me… These parts of me have been here for me all this time… How can I let them go? Where will they go now? I know I think too much. I’m sorry…
-You don’t think too much, You tell me. You tell me all the sweetest things. Surrender… It is OK. Surrender. There are things you will think that you will not understand. Surrender… I am pulling you forward now. Allow Me. Yes, it OK. It is more than OK. It is your destiny. It is your birthright. All parts of you have prepared you for this moment – the moment to accept who you are. For in Truth, you are all parts of You. The good parts, too. It is the good parts of you, combined with the wisdom that pain has taught you, that will inform you in this rebuilding of a life. Hold fast to the good parts. Nourish them. Yes, it is OK. Cultivate your ability to open your arms wide and strong. The blessings are pouring in and, Yes, you have my permission to receive them. Yes, you are beginning to see your brothers and sisters on Earth as your brothers and sisters on Earth. This is a good start. Yes, you may begin to build your new life. You have my permission. You may receive. It will be better than your dreams. Yes, better than your dreams…
Ameen. Amen.
Day 453
Permission To Receive (Better Than Your Dreams)
Can I tell you something? One of, if not my favorite thing to do is pray and meditate and read spiritual books. I know. Weirdo. I Love it so much.
I can go deep inside myself and really be really honest and see what’s going in my life, and if I’m having a good day, I can clean up some stuff in my mind and my heart and my body and I can figure out what to do about things…
These past 30 days have been the toughest ever, but three days ago, I had the first good day in a month. And now we’re going on day three of good days. It’s OK if they don’t last. I’m not gonna jinx it and pretend that just because today is good, tomorrow will be good. Nor will I say that just because today is bad, tomorrow will be bad. I will say that life is full of ups and downs, and knowing this helps you get through the downs.
“Just keep living,” my good friend said. “If you just keep living, you’re bound to get lucky and have a good day one of these days.” Lol. I think he’s right.
So what’s the latest? Fighting people, letting people go, trying to make peace with people who don’t really want to have the type of relationship with me that I want to have with them… lol. It’s all so silly. A light bulb finally went on in my head. I’m not a bad person. For some years now, I’ve been relating to people as if I was a bad person. As if I was somehow lucky to have certain people in my life, but they were not lucky to have me. And I didn’t ask for much from people. I asked for so little… You didn’t even have to answer my phone calls and I would still be happy if one day you returned a text of mine. Or if you threw me a smile at least once a month, like giving bread to a hungry dog. I know. It’s really embarrassing to write about these things, but I want to tell the truth.
Because we do these things. We live these ways. I know so many wonderful people going around the world believing that they are bad people. They have hearts of gold, but like me, they have developed these ways of expecting so little from the world. Every day we are telling the world and people around us that we are nothings. You don’t have to love us. You don’t have to want us. You don’t have to ask about our day or notice anything about us. You can forget birthdays, holidays, successes, failures. If we are sick, you don’t have to bring us oranges. As a matter of fact, we will bring you food or do whatever you want in the worst of our days. And if we make a mistake, talk too loud, don’t jump high enough, let a curse word slip out of our mouths in relation to you… if we fail at something that seems easy to do or if our stomachs gets fat or if we get scared and don’t handle a situation in the way that’s expected of us… We understand if you don’t forgive us. We understand if you hold back Love from us or talk about us or abuse us. After all, we are bad people. Nothings. We would forgive you for all the things you’ve done. Worse than what we’ve done. We would pour Love into the weakest parts of your being, but that is how it is when you are relating to someone who you believe is more valuable than you…
I read this essay called “The Three Kinds of People” by Michael Meade. I want to share an excerpt with you. You can find the whole article here: http://mosaicvoices.org/phone/three-kinds-of-people.html
He asserts that there are three kinds of people and what he wrote about the third kind of person really resonated with me. He writes:
“The third kind of person is found at the deepest level of life where integrity is grounded in vision and in values found only after losing the innocence of superficial hopes and dreams.
The third kind of person survives some life-changing defeat or loss and suffers a descent in life that makes them aware of the agonies and tragedies experienced by so many throughout the world. Such a descent can be quite private, as in the case of a debilitating illness or the loss of a loved one. It can also occur as part of a collective tragedy, as in the case of war, a terrorist act or a natural disaster that alters the lives of many people at once. Either way, the stricken person finds themselves in a dark night of the soul, alone with the remnants of broken dreams, lost in a darkness that erases all sense of hope.
To despair means to have lost all hope, to feel both hopeless and helpless in the face of overwhelming forces of violence, betrayal or tragic loss. Yet, if we are willing to face the darkness, a deeper level of understanding can be felt and a deeper dream of life can be found.
Because of this deeper knowledge, those who survive loss know who they are at their core; they also know the core values and ideals upon which humanity depends. They cannot be manipulated by fear or greed, cannot be shaken by threats or be pressured to act against either their own integrity or the interests of the greater good. We look to them to preserve the highest sense of human value and the deepest sense of human connectedness. In this way the third level of awareness produces the truly inspired leaders, the wounded healers, and the wise counselors who know that the ideals of humanity must be upheld precisely when the darkness and confusion around us grows.”
I do believe that I’m becoming one of the third kind of person. I want you to know, you broken ones, you ones who think you are a nothing because of some decision you have made in life. You, who believe you are worthless or not good enough, who think you are bad people. It’s a lie. Sure, you have made some mistakes. Sure, you have done some wrong here and there. But you deserve to be forgiven, just like the worst of us. You can forgive yourself now. Forgive yourself for being yourself. It’s OK. Even if no one else forgives you. It’s OK. You’re not a bad person, OK? You’re a whole person, and there are so-called bad parts and good parts to you. And you can choose how you want to be now. And just because you are growing and fumbling along the way doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be Loved. You still deserve to be loved. You are still lovable. You are still someone’s precious child. So hold your head up, OK? Hold your head up. Keep looking up. Keep being honest. Keep moving forward. Keep being honest with yourself. There are layers and layers and sometimes it takes a while until we can see and accept the Truth. There will be hard, dark times. Don’t give up. Don’t give in to the darkness. Keep living.
Once you start realizing that you, too, are somebody… Once you start recognizing that you, too, are valuable.. Once you realize that other people are lucky to know you, just as you are lucky to know them… you are a good person… You will start to be less and less interested in spending time with the people who don’t Love you. Not everybody Loves you, and that’s OK. But some people do. Some people Love you and they’re ok with treating you with Love. You may not even know those people yet, but somewhere in the world, you belong. Don’t you ever believe anyone who tells you any different.
Understand this. No matter what you have been through, no matter what you have done, you are worthy of Love. I’m just understanding it for the first time in my life. You are worthy of Love. And you can start by Loving your own self and taking actions that reflect that self-love. What does that mean? So many things. It means you can start by forgiving yourself. You can start by putting your hand on your own heart and saying, “I love you.” You can start by telling people the truth and giving them an opportunity to treat you the way you want to be treated. You can start by treating others with the Love and care that you would like to be treated with. You can start by being kind and gentle with yourself when you make a mistake. You can start by just letting people be who they are – everyone’s not gonna want to love you. Everyone doesn’t want to be your friend. Everyone doesn’t want to be nice to you. Yes, there are people who are angry and mean and everything else, and maybe it has something to do with you. Maybe it doesn’t. But the point is, they don’t want to love you. They don’t want to be your friend or your man or your woman. They’re not interested. They don’t trust you, and they’re not interested in trying to build trust. They just want to be mean and angry and defensive… Recognize this. Recognize this. Tell yourself the Truth. You can start by telling yourself the truth.
What does it look like to be Loved, God? Truly. What does it feel like to be really wanted with all of my flaws? To not have someone try and change me or just be frowning at me all the time? To have someone who I like and respect look at me and be like, “Wow. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I’m gonna make sure that I do my best to let you know how valuable and special you are to me.” What does it feel like to be held and protected by someone without fear that that same person will hurt me tomorrow? I know, I’ve been hurting for a long time. I’ve been broken for a long time. I’d like to be OK now. I’d like to be OK now. For real. From the deepest insides of me…
I’d like to experience these good things in life that I read about in books. I’d like to be a good thing in life, one of those people who anchors Love on Earth. I’m ready now. I’m ready to put my broken self back together piece by piece. I will start with Love and Forgiveness. Brick by brick, piece by piece, we will start this life anew. For today, what I can do is Love and welcome Love into my life and leave all that is not Love to go where it will. And so I Love… I Love. I Love…
Ameen.
Day 452
The Somethings
Heavy things on my heart… I’m so freaking sensitive…
Thinking about my life still… I was almost successful in the entertainment industry… Almost seven years ago. Can you believe it? I was having meetings with big time producers, pitching ideas to them, being asked to submit my scripts… I had a job working on the Disney lot. It paid more than enough money for me to live on my own in LA and even save… And just when things were better than ever, I ran off – everyone who loved me told me not to – I ran off to be with and live with some man who I thought I couldn’t live without.
He Who Came Before.
I really felt like I couldn’t live without him. I didn’t want to do anything without him anymore. He lived in another state, and if I’m being honest with myself, subconsciously, I didn’t even want to be successful without him. He wasn’t too happy when I told him I had run into a single, male celebrity on the the Disney lot, and that guy had flirted with me.
I ran off. Let go of my apartment in Pasadena with the mountain view on the back porch… Sold my car. Sold my dining room table, which had beautiful mosaic tiles in embedded in it… sold my fridge, packed two and half suitcases and got on a Greyhound bus to start a life with a man I Loved…
We were supposed to live together for three months. I would live with him and he would support me while I polished my writing portfolio, and after three months, I would be done polishing and we would both come back to LA and get married and I would start my life in my industry and he would also work in the creative field. He was a fine artist, among other things…
So, I went to live with him, and within one week of me being there, he told me that he was going to fire his maid, since I was there, and I could help him clean up. And then, without missing a beat, he began telling me how to clean the dirtiest room of the house, which was occupied by one of his teenage foster kids. He would give me a quarter of what I was earning in LA (and what I was earning is a fourth of what he was earning) so that I could have some sort of allowance. I had no friends or family. He would get upset if I talked on the phone too much. He would get upset if I didn’t read the books he wanted me to read or watch the videos he wanted me to watch when he wanted me to read and watch them. He would get upset if I didn’t wear the clothes he wanted me to wear. He would get upset if I didn’t cook every day. I didn’t go grocery shopping. He went grocery shopping and didn’t buy the ingredients I liked to eat. He bought the cheapest stuff instead. I didn’t drive either one of his cars. I only left the house if I was going somewhere in walking distance (the park) or going with him… My emotions were on a constant roller coaster. I didn’t do much writing. Don’t believe I wrote more than ten pages of anything while I was living with him… And if I’m being honest with myself, the truth of the matter is, he was getting upset about everything even before I moved in with him. He asked me to marry him, bought the perfect engagement ring, then got upset about something I said and took the engagement ring back (and told me about it in an email)… He got upset about something else and stopped answering my calls for about a month… Needless to say, he and I didn’t last.
After an argument whether or not we were going to continue to play house, he was huffing and puffing around the house, and I was scared. And I was tired of being scared. And on edge. And emotionally unbalanced. I was tired of being seen as anything but good… And so I bought a ticket for the next greyhound out of town. And I left. And came back to LA.
But that was almost six years ago. And I haven’t been the same since. I haven’t been quite normal since. And I’m looking at my life, and if I can be honest, it makes me sad to see all the time that I’ve wasted. I know you are telling me that it is not time wasted and I have been building character and learning all this great stuff about being human, and I know that that’s one way of looking at it, but I have wasted so much time, God.
I am so much better than the life I’m living. I look around me at so many people, and so many of us are so unhappy. We are in relationships, but they suck. Cheating, abuse, control, manipulation, usury, ego feeding… very little love. We hate our jobs. They have nothing to do with what we really wanted to do with our lives… What happened to us? What happened to the world, Allah? Why are so many people so bad off? Surely it must not be that hard to build a life. Is it? Am I the delusional one? Does no one really care anymore? Have we all just given up?
My heart won’t let me quit. Try as I may, I just can’t quit. I am stubborn. I am so stubborn, Allah, and I believe in things I haven’t seen, like You. I believe in You… I can’t believe some of the relationships I’ve been in. Who was I? Why didn’t I know that I deserved better? Why didn’t I believe that I was lovable? Why didn’t I give love? Why have I been seeking out jobs that have nothing to do with what I want to do with my life and don’t even pay good? Who was I, Allah? I have not been myself. I have been running from my destiny.
But I’m back… I made a mess… I made a pretty big mess of life. I don’t blame He Who Came Before or anyone else. Nobody grabbed my arm or kidnapped me or forced me to make any of the decisions I made in life. I did them all by my own free will… I didn’t know any better, and that is the thing that makes me a bit sad. I didn’t know any better. Most of us make all these bad decisions because we don’t know any better. It’s a catch 22. We’re not in touch with ourselves or we’re desperate or we can’t even see that we have options or we’re afraid or we’re hungry or we’re lonely and so we make the best decisions we can in order to survive. And when things hurt, we believe that men are supposed to be this way or women are supposed to be this way or life is supposed to be this way for us, and we do the best we can… We don’t know any better. Some of us have never even seen one real example of a happy person in our lives. Not one person we know has ever been sincere or genuine… It seems so unfair, God… When I was little, not one person I knew had graduated from college. Not one. Most of us didn’t have fathers, and if we did, they weren’t doing much for our mothers except cheating on them and exploiting them… We didn’t know any better. We didn’t know that good men existed. We didn’t know that men could actually help women’s lives and help us be happier and help us be better. We thought it was enough if they just wanted to marry us. That was enough. That was the best we could ask for… We didn’t know any better.
And so it seems a little unfair, God… I’m just telling you my true thoughts… I have a sociology degree… You kind of have to be super exceptional to a live a life different than your parents…
My mom did a good job. She did the best she could do. She is a dreamer, like me. And she taught us to believe in the things we haven’t seen. It was the best thing she could have done for us. My belief in things I haven’t seen is about the only thing I’ve got going for me right now, ‘cus Lord knows I’ve seen a lot of shit.
And it’s nothing short of a miracle that I’m sitting here right now, in my apartment in LA – the only place I can call home – and my brain is clear for the first time in years. I wasn’t supposed to make it – I know. They wanted me to die. I don’t know who “they” is, but something, someone, didn’t want me to get here. Maybe it was something in me. I don’t know. But I am here.
I am here, and I see everything. Oh, I’m not God, but I see… I see everything. I see everything. I see the big, fat mess I’ve made of my life and I see how to get out of it. Even more, I see how to create a new kind of life, a life I like to look at. I see my bright eyes again. I see joy in my belly again. And I see things I’ve never seen before – like Love. Not pain love. Not abuse love. Not almost love. Not heavy love. Not “don’t live your dream” love. Not “I don’t like you but I guess I’ll love you” love… Pure love. Righteous love. Giddy Love… I see it…
And I see an opening. You are giving me another chance, God. I am humbled. I am so humbled that you would keep me here and let me live and let me get well again and give me another chance to live my destiny. I am so grateful that I can see all the ways that I have created a disaster out of my life, and I know not what to do.
You want to know what I did?
Number one – I picked assholes to fall in love with. I didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t understand that without emotional stability, everything else in life was impossible and challenging for me. I didn’t know that my heart was so sensitive and so powerful and that if my heart was heavy, then my whole life would be heavy. I see it now. After living with so many different people and having so many different people live with me, I see that your personal relationships are the number one influence on your life. I get it. The next time I give my heart to someone, first, I will make sure that he has created a safe space for my heart to rest…
Number two – I didn’t honor what I know. Most of the time, I knew better. I knew what to do. I knew what I wanted, but I was led by fear. I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough money. I was afraid I would be alone. I was afraid I would fail, and so I didn’t take the steps that my Spirit has always been telling me to take. Moving forward, I will honor what I know. Finally.
Anyway….
– And what else?
More? This is already a super long blog entry… More? What are we writing about again?
– We Are Reinventing Ourselves, like you told your lawyer you were gonna do when you signed your settlement papers this week. And we are searching the past years of your life – what I will call the dark night of your soul – to see where you went wrong. To see what you have learned. And you have learned much, my Love.
-And yes there is an opening. You are becoming a thing you have never seen. This is the moment you have been waiting for. A moment of clarity. A moment of sweet release. A moment where you can take responsibility for all you have done and been and take hold of all you choose to do and be. A moment where you can step into the vortex, mind on body, soul aligned, heart open, unified and whole, forgiving, full of love and light, pulled forward by the destiny that is calling your name…
-We will build this new life brick by brick and step by step and you will be thrilled and surprised to see all the good things I have in store for you. It is better than you can imagine… So let us begin with the foundation. First thing’s first: honor what you know. You know the affect that relationships have on your life. It is the big lesson you have been learning. Honor that and know that your experience of relationships with men, friends and family is changing even as you write these words. Your life is changing even as you write these words. I have gone before you and made a way. All you must do now is walk in the direction of the deepest Guidance within you. Are you ready to listen?
Yes, I am ready to listen.
– My Lovely, Beautiful, Stubborn One, let Us begin.
Yes, let us begin. Ameen… Ameen.
Day 451
The Things We Haven’t Seen (How To Build a Life or On Reinventing Myself)
I really am a writer… Sometimes nothing hits the spot but writing. I have all these thoughts in my head and all this stuff I want to share or sort out, and I can pray, meditate, stretch, exercise, dance, swim in the ocean, talk to whoever, touch someone… but nothing can quite get to the root of stuff like writing it out does… eating some good food kind of comes second…
Sometimes I have to write stuff to get rid of the layers of density, like now. So much flux in life… I wonder what I have been doing for the past five years. Just in a fog. I realize that this is not the end point. This is not the life that was destined for me.
I am embarrassed and ashamed to be me and to be living like I’m living. No one expected this of me. Everyone expected me to live the dream life. I even expected it of myself. I was the golden child, and well…
Yesterday I worked a job and made $35 for the entire day. Yes. Me. It was a six and a half hour investment from the time I left my apartment till the time I got back home… Don’t even ask how that’s possible in America. I came home and realized I was making more money than that when I was 14 years old. I have and should be making more money than that per hour. What is wrong with me?
This is how I am coming back to life. Step by step. Piece by piece. I am grateful for my $35 dollars. It will buy me a nice meal and get my eyebrows arched. I am grateful to have my eyes open again and to recognize that I am all of it – I am the woman who made $35 an hour and I am the woman who made $35 a day. I am the best of me and the worst of me, and all of it is beautiful.
We look at a moment in time in a person’s life and judge them by that moment… And it’s just not true.
Allah, I’m ready to live now. I have some clarity. I want to make a bunch of money. Yep. Now. Enough with poverty. I know how to do it. Don’t ask me why I haven’t done it in all this time. Don’t ask me how the past five years even happened. I don’t know. But a part of me is glad it did. A part of me is glad that I’m not so proud anymore. I’m not so arrogant. I’m glad that I can have compassion for people and not judge them. I’m glad that I can actually see who a person is, not just who they are in relation to me. I’m glad that you brought me to my knees, God, and nothing in my brain could figure anything out, so that I had to go deeper than my brain if I wanted to live. I’m glad that I’ve gotten in touch with my intuition. I’m glad that I’m actually thinking about how to structure a dream life and realizing that $35 a day just isn’t gonna cut it. I’m glad that my health just won’t let me be stressed out, and so I have to think of things from the context of, “How can I make a bunch of money and live my dream and not be stressed out?”. In reality, this is what I want anyway.
To live at an easy pace. To have a good life. To do the things You have put me here to do…
I am thinking of my good friend, who passed away earlier this year. I can see him smiling down on me. “You are finally getting on track,” he says. “Time to live your life. Time to bring your projects to the world. Time to have a family. Time to have some money. Time to be in love. Time to be happy. Time to smile again.” If he was here, I would invite him over and we would play music loud while I scrubbed my walls and cleaned up… I really Loved him. He was a cool friend. Thank you for him, God.
You say you will restore the years the locusts have eaten, and I understand what You mean…
The Mother in me says I need to eat soon. Who could enjoy a meal with me? Just sit down and eat and enjoy each others’ company? No holding back. No being disingenuous…
The feelings pass. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes they are intense. There’s a lot of pain and sorrow and heartbreak that has been bottled up and never expressed. I’m still crying about things. I’m still hurt about things. But The Mother in me tells me when I need to lay down and cry and rest and when I need to get up and work while I’m crying, and when I need to stop crying for a minute and do something else, lol… and when I need to get up and go get some nourishment… and when I need to do some work. And she tells me who to hang out with. She sounds like my mom. “This person is not good for you,” she says, and she’s right. And she tells me who I need to say sorry to and who I need to speak my mind to and she tells me when a place and a situation is safe for me. She reminds to honor who I am and to honor where I am at this point in my life: fragile, starting over. She reminds me that I am good, because sometimes I look at all that has happened in life and I forget…
And now she is telling me to bring this entry to a close. It doesn’t matter if there’s no point. The point is, it’s time to live your/my life…
I let My People go yesterday… He was the last man sitting on my heart. Can you believe it? The last man… Geez. He’s a pretty awesome guy. I know, you’re probably like, who is My People??? My People is a guy I met just about a year ago. He’s a priest of sorts. In the course of a year, I’ve only hung out with him 3 times. The last time we hung out was about four months ago. When we’ve hung out, we just sit around and talk about the deepest parts of our soul and lives. Really. lol. It’s so bizarre, but when I first met him, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was home. Being with him felt like home.. Oh, it was such a lovely feeling. We don’t do anything romantic or physical, but we’ve held hands every time we’ve hung out, and holding his hand just might be the most intimate thing I’ve ever done. We’ve never kissed. We’ve never even had a sexual type hug, but we’ve prayed together. We’ve cried together. We’ve sat out on the grass and put our feet on the Earth together… Lol. He lives a super crazy busy life… Big name people from all over the world fly him here and there to come pray for them and run workshops and consult and God knows whatever else. And he runs an organization that helps men be men. His credentials are awesome, but he doesn’t leave much time in his life for Love or joy or personal relationships.
And we’ve been friends for the past year – he says the past year has been the most difficult year of his life. His father passed away recently and it was the first time anyone he was close to died… The past year has been the most difficult time of my life, too. But we have been friends, texting each other and calling and communicating about once a month on average. Usually it’s me reaching out to him, but every now and then he surprises me with a random call or message… We have been talking about the nature of our relationship ever since we met. I’d marry him in a second, but he hasn’t been sure if marriage is something he wants for his life, and if so, if he wants to marry me.. lol. If I was to give my heart to anyone in the world, it would be him, because I know he’d keep it safe and he’d nourish it… There would be no compromising of Self with him. I could be my very best self and he would help me be that just by his presence… He would want me to live every last dream and he would trust that I could do it. And it wouldn’t make him feel insecure. And I’d help him, too, with the things he doesn’t know he needs, like woman love and balance. And I’d help him sort his life out so that he had more time to be easy and smile… This was my not-so-secret fantasy that I had of him.
I told him about it and he didn’t know what to do with it. Told me he felt a very deep connection with me, but wasn’t sure about what to do about it. And so we’ve been like this for about a year. Just friends encouraging each other and sending each other the energy of pure love. And that’s been ok with me. But recently, I started thinking about living my life, and sooner than later, there will be a man. And I searched my heart and found that there was someone there already. It was My People. And there was no way I’d be able to love anyone and want anyone else if I was still holding on to the fantasy of him. So I let him go…
In the meantime, as I wait for time to unveil this new life that is finally taking root in my body, mind, spirit and heart… I will get up and take some action now, Mother In Me. It’s time to live your life, he says to me. It’s time… Ameen.
Day 450
Time To Live Your Life
Hey…
I have to get out of the house in a bit, so this won’t be long.
Yesterday was probably the toughest day of my life. Or maybe the second toughest. I felt like I wanted to disappear. All of the pain I had been through… All of the disappointment… Everything just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Every negative thing anyone had ever said about me became a reality. And I felt like a loser. I didn’t have anything in this world besides a car that I won on a game show. Nobody loved me. Men were always leaving because I was too (strong, weak, smart, dumb, sexy, homely, ambitious, unaccomplished, spiritual, nonreligious). I was too pushy. I was not aggressive enough. I thought too high of myself. I thought too low of myself. I didn’t need them. There was some weaker woman who would collapse without their arms, and so they went to give others their love. Or I pushed them away. Or whatever.
And my life? It was nowhere. It is nowhere. I saw myself as broken. My Kind had opened up a deep, deep love in me, and then left to be with a weaker woman who he thought needed him… Mr. Almost Famous hadn’t stood up for me when I reached out to him and asked him to defend me against someone who was trying to exploit me… My sis didn’t want me staying with her, or at least I thought she didn’t… I was a nobody, and I felt like nobody wanted me. Nobody wanted to just hold me and Love me… Just Love me, even though I’m not perfect. Just Love me, even though I don’t always get it right and I mess up on a lot of stuff. Just Love me even though I’m smart and strong and I may not need someone to tell me what to do all the time. Just Love me even though I’ve been effed up for a while. Yes, I’ve been effed up for a while. I’ve been confused for a while. I’ve been living below my potential for a while. I’ve been irresponsible for a while, if you want to judge me.
I haven’t taken opportunities that came to my doorstep. I’ve spent a huge portion of time and energy on people who don’t even have the capacity to care about anyone but themselves. I haven’t stood up for myself. I let people take me for granted. I shirked responsibility for my own life… I hurt people. Sometimes on purpose but mostly unintentionally. But I hurt them anyway.
And how was I going to do anything in life, with me being me? Just a girl with words and lofty ideas… How could I transform a life so low? All of these dreams I’ve had seemed so far away yesterday. Maybe I was just fooling myself…
Maybe I was the gold-digging whore that He Who Came Before had always made me feel like I was. Maybe I was just a tool to be used and discarded. I couldn’t figure anything out. I couldn’t even figure out where I wanted to live or what I should do to make an income so people didn’t have to give me their money and look at me all funny. I didn’t want to go back into the world where people would hurt me again, where men would just use my love for a time and dismiss me if I became unpleasant or displayed a need for anything… I didn’t want my old life anymore, but I couldn’t envision a new one… Maybe my life experience was true: I was a nothing. And I didn’t want to be a nothing, just being a burden on people and bringing people down. And so I wanted to disappear.
I cried. I cried deeper and louder than I’ve ever cried in my life. I cried for hours on end. How am I supposed to start a life that I can’t even see? I felt everything. I hadn’t felt it all before. I felt my deep, deep sadness. I felt every man who had ever left. I felt every disapproving glance that had ever looked my way. I felt all my disappointments and all of my failures, and I felt my smallness. I felt so small, like there was nothing I could do about anything. And I curled myself up in a ball and wanted to disappear. I closed my eyes…
But when I opened my eyes, I was still there… Shit. I was still here. I am still here. I don’t even have no real magic. Can’t even disappear… lol.
Then I started talking to myself. I tapped into the part of me that has a bad, ghetto attitude. I looked at the worst, meanest things I have ever said to anyone. And I decided. I made a decision. I decided that my bad attitude was lovable. Yep. I decided that I wasn’t so bad, I wasn’t so horrible that I couldn’t be loved. There are so many assholes in the world who are loved. They are so much meaner than me. I decided that I just wasn’t that bad.
I looked at the weakest parts of myself. The part that stays frozen in a room when her feelings are hurt, instead of doing what she needs to do. And I decided that even she was lovable, and if there was no man that would stand up for her, I would. And I told my weak, scared self that I would fight for her. I would be there for her when she was scared of everyone and everything. Even if her own family thought she was plumb nuts crazy and couldn’t understand anything she was going through, I would try and understand her, and I would get up for her and walk with shaky knees to a place where she can be safe. I made a promise to the worst parts of myself. I would be there for me.
And I thought of myself as a child, who just hadn’t got it right yet. I held my own self in my own arms and let myself cry… I know you have been hurting, Love. I know these things hurt you so, so much. I know, my baby. I know. You can cry here in my arms. You don’t have to pretend that you are not hurting. I know how sensitive you are. I will hold you until all the pain goes away. I will hold you again and again. I won’t leave you. I won’t disappear and say you are too sad or too needy. I won’t say you’re not strong enough. I will hold you.
And even while you are crying, I will do the work for you. I am Your Mother. I am Your Highest self. I will Protect You… Oh, my baby… It hasn’t been easy for you… I am sorry. It has been hard. But you have made it here, ok my strong baby? You have made it here. The worst parts of you and the best parts of you are all here. And I Love them all. I Love You, my baby… We can different now, OK? We can be happy now. Do you remember your smile? Your beautiful, giddy smile? Do you remember your bright eyes and how you Loved to dance and run around and give people things? I know you don’t care about much besides Love, and it is OK. You are OK. There’s nothing wrong with you, OK…
Don’t believe them. They don’t know the truth. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are just growing and bumbling and making mistakes along the way. But you are beautiful, and it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn…
So I’m gonna get up now. Do you want to come with me?
-Yes.
Ok. We’re gonna go out into the world, and let’s do some things that we like to do, OK?
-OK.
You need some new shoes and you need a new ergonomic keyboard so your hands don’t hurt when you type.
-OK
And would you like to turn in that application so you can make movies and be in them? Are you ready? Don’t worry. I will be with you if it gets too scary… You want to do that today? I promise I won’t ever leave you again. I promise I promise I promise. I’m sorry I have been gone for so long. I promise I’m gonna be right here as you rebuild your life step by step… So you want to take that step today?
-Will you hold my hand?
Yes, I will…
-Ok… OK…
Ameen.
Day 449
Return of The Mother
I don’t even know where to start. The past, present, or future?
How about I start in the present. I am in Hawaii. I’ve been here for a little over two weeks. Right now I am sitting in my single sister’s one bedroom apartment. Birds are chirping. The sun is out. I see blue skies and mountains through the windows. I see purplish-pink flowers, leaves, a clothes line and a baby gecko outside.
I am here by myself. I came here with my sick friend so that I could help him get some medical care from my awesome doctor, and I also came so that I could get some medical care from my doctor and take one last swim in the Hawaiian ocean and see my beautiful sisters in Hawaii one last time before I start the next phase of my life. My health had relapsed in the past month, but I’ll write about that later. The stress in my life was really kicking my body’s butt, and I was beginning to have constant shakiness in my body, short breath, and super tight muscles and tension everywhere in my body. My Hawaii doctor is a miracle worker and he got most of the knots out of my body in the past two weeks and is giving me a plan to stay healthy… He says that I can be completely back to my optimal health if I stick to the plan… I didn’t have a disease or anything. My problem was stress and lifestyle. It broke my body down.
Now I’m here in Hawaii. My friend came here, too. My sick friend. I’ve known him for half of my life. Literally. Since we were teens brand new to the world. He was the one who came and helped me out last year when I was so sick that I couldn’t even get off the floor to make my own food. He came and cooked for me every day. And it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s exactly what I needed. And so he got sick. Actually, he’s been sick for many years, but his health got worse. And since I had gotten better, he asked if I would help him get better. No one really believed he was sick but me. His symptoms were similar to mine. There were no broken bones, no issues found in blood tests. No coughs or colds or snot or bumps. He could talk just fine. But he would tell people that he had no energy, and until I got sick and experienced it for myself, I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought he just lazy. Or unmotivated. Or depressed. When I got sick, people said the same thing about me. But I wasn’t lazy. Or unmotivated. I was sick and I had no idea what was wrong with me or how to fix it. And I didn’t have any energy. I couldn’t walk up one flight of stairs without stopping. I couldn’t make it from one block to the next. And it wasn’t like you get when you’re tired, like when you exercise. It was like my circuits were fried.
I would get confused and my brain would feel foggy after a little bit of exertion. And my whole body would hurt. I wasn’t out of breath. I was out of energy… And people thought I was lazy. People thought I was looking for a way not to work. I’ve always had a job since I was 15 years old and never really asked anyone to pay for stuff for me, but silly men thought I was trying to find a way to use people by using my health as an excuse… But I digress.
My friend was sick and, since I used to work for LA County and know how to navigate the system, and since I actually believed he was sick, he asked if I could help him get tests done and ultimately get an MRI so they could find out what was wrong with him. I said I’d help. And I did. We made a plan. For three months, he’s stay with me in LA and I’d do everything I could to get him all kinds of tests and ultimately an MRI. If we accomplished all of this in three months, I’d go with him to Hawaii, so he could see my doctor. My doctor is a chiropractor, but he’s also certified in several clinical procedures, and he’s a wholistic doctor, so I was sure he could help my friend…
To make a long story short, we accomplished everything we set out to do in three months, and we ended up in Hawaii two weeks ago. My friend had gotten his MRI. The MRI indicated that he had swelling and fluid in his brain… 😦
He’s not gonna die, but had he gone much longer without treatment and without a diagnosis, I don’t know what would have happened to him. My doctor did some procedures to help drain the fluid out of his brain, and gave him a healthcare plan and some prescriptions so that he can continue to get better… And my friend boarded a plane to LA yesterday. He is going to see his LA doctor so that they can also give him a diagnosis and healthcare plan…
And I just got a phone call… Life is moving so fast. My sister (who’s Hawaii apartment I’m in right now, while she’s out of town on a job training) just called and told me that her job will be placing her in LA. This Friday. She just got a job with the company that I used to work for years ago before I went back to school to work in the film world. The company she works for is awesome. It pays a whole lot of money and sends you all over the country to do awesome leadership jobs. They give you a car. They pay for a place to stay. They pay for your daily food allowance. All of the income you make is profit because you literally have zero living expenses. This company will be paying for my sis to live in Cali. In the lovely part of town that I used to live in before my life fell apart and I moved in with He Who Came Before…
What does all of this mean? It means so much. It means that my sis has an apartment in Hawaii that I could potentially live in if I wanted to… And I’ve already gotten a job offer in Hawaii. It means that if I went back to LA, that’s one more sister there. And this sister and I have a lot of common interests… It means my sis and I could potentially be roommates. We could live somewhere beautiful and make a lot of money in our last few months of being single.
Hawaii is not the same without my family here. It’s still beautiful and amazing, but my sisters, my mom, and my nieces and nephews made this place that more special. My doctor is still here, but he says I’m getting well…
What I’m trying to say, what I’m explaining to you is that a shift is taking place. It is ridiculous. It is huge. We are entering the land of the possible. Do you see? Everything from the past is over… I’ve had so much drama over the years… It’s all over. It feels like a spell is being broken. Even my eyes are getting white again.
I can hear the voice of my friend who passed away earlier this year. He is telling me to go where the love is… Go where the life is. Something is happening, Allah. Something is opening in my eyes… Something is opening in my soul. Life is possible again. Do you understand? It’s not just something I’m writing about in a blog… Doors are opening again. I passed the test. I don’t even know what the test was, but I passed it. I kept listening to You…
And Now… Whew… Now what shall we do? What do we do in a world where anything is possible? I mean anything. Don’t think about money. Money is there. It’s just there. Just believe me. Well, I’m speaking for myself. I know this. Money is there. I have been sick for the past two years and out of work for most of it and money has found me and kept me eating and sheltered and clothed… But more money is there now. Now that I’m able to work.
What shall I do? Do you understand? Most of my life, there has been a job beckoning me somewhere. Or a man. Or some family thing. Or some school thing. I have never really believed that absolutely anything I wanted was possible, so I made decisions from the realm of what I thought could happen. But You are telling me that if I wanted to stay right here in Hawaii and write and sell movies and meet a fabulous man, I could do that. Or I could move to LA and live life there and live in a clean part of town near nature… Or I could move to another country, any country and live any kind of life I wanted to there. I know it all sounds to fantastic. You are telling me that whenever I decide to be with a man, start a family, do whatever kind of work I want to do, then that will be my life… Oh my God. My mind doesn’t want to believe you, but my soul understands…
– This time, when deciding what to do next with Your life, do not say, “This is what I can do and this is how I can do it and let’s make this plan and get this money first.” No. Say, “This is what I want to do, and this is how and where and when I want to do it.” The end. Just try it. Don’t worry about how, when and where things will work out. Try Trusting me. Try exercising your Will. Your Will. Your Divine Will. The faculty of choice that I have given you. It’s time to start your life, Laydie. Yes, you had another life, but you are a different person now. You have evolved and didn’t even know it. Now you know. You have come into your own skin. You are a Woman now, with so much beauty to offer to this world. But do not get caught up in that ego aspect. Let us focus on choice. Your energy field has been cleansed. You did it. You did the work… You did the work. Take a shower. Wash your hair. Connect with All There Is. Pray. Center yourself. And once you are centered, you will know what to choose next. And once you know, take action. Do not hesitate. Take action. Today. Your new life is reaching out to you. Meet it with your will. Release fear. See what lives in the possible and choose the possible now… Now.. Now… Now… Now.. Now… Now.. Now…
Now.
Ameen.
Day 448
In The Possible
