Hey… Life is moving on… I am in awe by how differently one can feel from one day to another.
I remember when I was at the worst of my health crisis. I thought my life was over. I thought I’d never be able to walk one whole block on my own again, much less run and dance. I thought my brain wouldn’t work again and I would be a nervous wreck forever, just being a burden on people… But I am here today.
And I can walk from one block to the next. And I can run. And my brain works again. My brain works again! You have no idea what it feels like for your brain just not to be able to work, especially if you are used to your brain working… I am here and my heart doesn’t hurt so much. There are little dark spots instead of massive clouds of dark energy all in my body.
I am here. And I am grateful. What if I dared to say that life is good? Would that be ok with you? Would it be ok if me, the broken, sad, not good enough, crying every day, drama-filled, little person became someone else? Would it be all right if one day I wrote a blog and said, “I sold a script! They paid me a high six figure salary. I’m out of debt!!!” Would it be OK if I wrote, “I said yes. My People (or someone far more fabulous) asked me to marry him and I said yes.” Would it be OK if I said that we bought a house in Hawaii, but we live in our condo in LA part-time? Would that be OK, God?
Me. The nobody. People have gotten used to me being this way. Would it be OK if I just changed? Would they feel betrayed if I didn’t have so many sad stories any more?
Something changed. This week. Already. I swear I have met more fine, eligible bachelors this week than I’ve met the whole year combined. And they like me! I had forgotten what it felt like to be liked and pursued by a man. I had forgotten so many good things. And the judge signed off on my court case against my job. I should have a settlement check within 30 days. And I worked a one day job that paid me more than I’ve been making in a week these days. And some kind of way, my heart got over My Kind and I’m able to be his friend. And I’m glad I’m his friend because he’s kind to me again. And I spoke with an old friend that has such a high vibration. He comes from a similar place as me, a dark, dark place of pain. And he made it out! When we met, we were both working a low paying job in LA, talking about our dreams. And he moved to New York to pursue his dreams. And years later, he’s pursuing them! He’s living them!!! And he has seen so many painful things in life, but he chose the light! He chose it and he’s living in it. He’s an awesome one… And our conversation was so lifting. It was so lifting to speak to another one of my people. And yesterday I ran into someone who I had met many, many years ago, when I first came to LA. Another kind soul. Many years ago, I hadn’t been able to see him. Like, I just brushed him off as another LA dude. But yesterday, I realized that he’s a sweetheart. A good person. He has joy in him and he can smile and laugh and he’s humble and he doesn’t curse… And the other day the gas man came to turn off my gas, but I just happened to be home, because you told me to stay home that day, God, and I just happened to have just enough money to give him so that he didn’t turn off my gas that day.
And so I have lights. And I have gas. I have food. And I have clothes. And I have friends – not so many, but enough. I have enough friends. And I have at least one person that I can vibe with and speak truth with when I’m happy. And I have my beautiful sisters who write me poems and songs and are such beings of light… I’m feeling pretty lucky, God. And my settlement check is going to come and I’m not going to have to worry about money for a long time. If I’m smart and make some good investments, I won’t have to worry about money ever again… And men!!! OMG I’m feeling so brand new. Men like me again. So many of them. Now I’m wondering how I’m gonna choose one!!!
So life is changing. Just last week I thought I was losing my mind, and probably was. I probably did. But now you are telling me that me dreams are coming true. My dreams are gonna come true, and my dreams are big dreams. How can I handle this? Is it OK? Is it ok for me to be someone different? Is it OK for me to be wanted and received in the world? Is it OK for people to see the best in me, for me to give the best in me? Is it all right for me to have, like, money and nice clothes and shoes that don’t make my feet hurt? Is it OK? OMG… Is it ok for my eyes to be all the way white again? They’re getting white again and my skin is getting clear… I promise I won’t be arrogant. I promise I won’t get all judgemental and start looking down on people. I promise I’ll keep working on myself and purifying and purifying. God, I think my life is changing, and I Just want to know if it’s OK.
A part of me feels like I’m betraying another part of me. It’s so weird. Like I feel like I’m leaving the sad me and the not good enough me behind… and the poor me… and the broken me… These parts of me have been here for me all this time… How can I let them go? Where will they go now? I know I think too much. I’m sorry…
-You don’t think too much, You tell me. You tell me all the sweetest things. Surrender… It is OK. Surrender. There are things you will think that you will not understand. Surrender… I am pulling you forward now. Allow Me. Yes, it OK. It is more than OK. It is your destiny. It is your birthright. All parts of you have prepared you for this moment – the moment to accept who you are. For in Truth, you are all parts of You. The good parts, too. It is the good parts of you, combined with the wisdom that pain has taught you, that will inform you in this rebuilding of a life. Hold fast to the good parts. Nourish them. Yes, it is OK. Cultivate your ability to open your arms wide and strong. The blessings are pouring in and, Yes, you have my permission to receive them. Yes, you are beginning to see your brothers and sisters on Earth as your brothers and sisters on Earth. This is a good start. Yes, you may begin to build your new life. You have my permission. You may receive. It will be better than your dreams. Yes, better than your dreams…
Ameen. Amen.
Day 453
Permission To Receive (Better Than Your Dreams)
Can I tell you something? One of, if not my favorite thing to do is pray and meditate and read spiritual books. I know. Weirdo. I Love it so much.
I can go deep inside myself and really be really honest and see what’s going in my life, and if I’m having a good day, I can clean up some stuff in my mind and my heart and my body and I can figure out what to do about things…
These past 30 days have been the toughest ever, but three days ago, I had the first good day in a month. And now we’re going on day three of good days. It’s OK if they don’t last. I’m not gonna jinx it and pretend that just because today is good, tomorrow will be good. Nor will I say that just because today is bad, tomorrow will be bad. I will say that life is full of ups and downs, and knowing this helps you get through the downs.
“Just keep living,” my good friend said. “If you just keep living, you’re bound to get lucky and have a good day one of these days.” Lol. I think he’s right.
So what’s the latest? Fighting people, letting people go, trying to make peace with people who don’t really want to have the type of relationship with me that I want to have with them… lol. It’s all so silly. A light bulb finally went on in my head. I’m not a bad person. For some years now, I’ve been relating to people as if I was a bad person. As if I was somehow lucky to have certain people in my life, but they were not lucky to have me. And I didn’t ask for much from people. I asked for so little… You didn’t even have to answer my phone calls and I would still be happy if one day you returned a text of mine. Or if you threw me a smile at least once a month, like giving bread to a hungry dog. I know. It’s really embarrassing to write about these things, but I want to tell the truth.
Because we do these things. We live these ways. I know so many wonderful people going around the world believing that they are bad people. They have hearts of gold, but like me, they have developed these ways of expecting so little from the world. Every day we are telling the world and people around us that we are nothings. You don’t have to love us. You don’t have to want us. You don’t have to ask about our day or notice anything about us. You can forget birthdays, holidays, successes, failures. If we are sick, you don’t have to bring us oranges. As a matter of fact, we will bring you food or do whatever you want in the worst of our days. And if we make a mistake, talk too loud, don’t jump high enough, let a curse word slip out of our mouths in relation to you… if we fail at something that seems easy to do or if our stomachs gets fat or if we get scared and don’t handle a situation in the way that’s expected of us… We understand if you don’t forgive us. We understand if you hold back Love from us or talk about us or abuse us. After all, we are bad people. Nothings. We would forgive you for all the things you’ve done. Worse than what we’ve done. We would pour Love into the weakest parts of your being, but that is how it is when you are relating to someone who you believe is more valuable than you…
I read this essay called “The Three Kinds of People” by Michael Meade. I want to share an excerpt with you. You can find the whole article here: http://mosaicvoices.org/phone/three-kinds-of-people.html
He asserts that there are three kinds of people and what he wrote about the third kind of person really resonated with me. He writes:
“The third kind of person is found at the deepest level of life where integrity is grounded in vision and in values found only after losing the innocence of superficial hopes and dreams.
The third kind of person survives some life-changing defeat or loss and suffers a descent in life that makes them aware of the agonies and tragedies experienced by so many throughout the world. Such a descent can be quite private, as in the case of a debilitating illness or the loss of a loved one. It can also occur as part of a collective tragedy, as in the case of war, a terrorist act or a natural disaster that alters the lives of many people at once. Either way, the stricken person finds themselves in a dark night of the soul, alone with the remnants of broken dreams, lost in a darkness that erases all sense of hope.
To despair means to have lost all hope, to feel both hopeless and helpless in the face of overwhelming forces of violence, betrayal or tragic loss. Yet, if we are willing to face the darkness, a deeper level of understanding can be felt and a deeper dream of life can be found.
Because of this deeper knowledge, those who survive loss know who they are at their core; they also know the core values and ideals upon which humanity depends. They cannot be manipulated by fear or greed, cannot be shaken by threats or be pressured to act against either their own integrity or the interests of the greater good. We look to them to preserve the highest sense of human value and the deepest sense of human connectedness. In this way the third level of awareness produces the truly inspired leaders, the wounded healers, and the wise counselors who know that the ideals of humanity must be upheld precisely when the darkness and confusion around us grows.”
I do believe that I’m becoming one of the third kind of person. I want you to know, you broken ones, you ones who think you are a nothing because of some decision you have made in life. You, who believe you are worthless or not good enough, who think you are bad people. It’s a lie. Sure, you have made some mistakes. Sure, you have done some wrong here and there. But you deserve to be forgiven, just like the worst of us. You can forgive yourself now. Forgive yourself for being yourself. It’s OK. Even if no one else forgives you. It’s OK. You’re not a bad person, OK? You’re a whole person, and there are so-called bad parts and good parts to you. And you can choose how you want to be now. And just because you are growing and fumbling along the way doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be Loved. You still deserve to be loved. You are still lovable. You are still someone’s precious child. So hold your head up, OK? Hold your head up. Keep looking up. Keep being honest. Keep moving forward. Keep being honest with yourself. There are layers and layers and sometimes it takes a while until we can see and accept the Truth. There will be hard, dark times. Don’t give up. Don’t give in to the darkness. Keep living.
Once you start realizing that you, too, are somebody… Once you start recognizing that you, too, are valuable.. Once you realize that other people are lucky to know you, just as you are lucky to know them… you are a good person… You will start to be less and less interested in spending time with the people who don’t Love you. Not everybody Loves you, and that’s OK. But some people do. Some people Love you and they’re ok with treating you with Love. You may not even know those people yet, but somewhere in the world, you belong. Don’t you ever believe anyone who tells you any different.
Understand this. No matter what you have been through, no matter what you have done, you are worthy of Love. I’m just understanding it for the first time in my life. You are worthy of Love. And you can start by Loving your own self and taking actions that reflect that self-love. What does that mean? So many things. It means you can start by forgiving yourself. You can start by putting your hand on your own heart and saying, “I love you.” You can start by telling people the truth and giving them an opportunity to treat you the way you want to be treated. You can start by treating others with the Love and care that you would like to be treated with. You can start by being kind and gentle with yourself when you make a mistake. You can start by just letting people be who they are – everyone’s not gonna want to love you. Everyone doesn’t want to be your friend. Everyone doesn’t want to be nice to you. Yes, there are people who are angry and mean and everything else, and maybe it has something to do with you. Maybe it doesn’t. But the point is, they don’t want to love you. They don’t want to be your friend or your man or your woman. They’re not interested. They don’t trust you, and they’re not interested in trying to build trust. They just want to be mean and angry and defensive… Recognize this. Recognize this. Tell yourself the Truth. You can start by telling yourself the truth.
What does it look like to be Loved, God? Truly. What does it feel like to be really wanted with all of my flaws? To not have someone try and change me or just be frowning at me all the time? To have someone who I like and respect look at me and be like, “Wow. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I’m gonna make sure that I do my best to let you know how valuable and special you are to me.” What does it feel like to be held and protected by someone without fear that that same person will hurt me tomorrow? I know, I’ve been hurting for a long time. I’ve been broken for a long time. I’d like to be OK now. I’d like to be OK now. For real. From the deepest insides of me…
I’d like to experience these good things in life that I read about in books. I’d like to be a good thing in life, one of those people who anchors Love on Earth. I’m ready now. I’m ready to put my broken self back together piece by piece. I will start with Love and Forgiveness. Brick by brick, piece by piece, we will start this life anew. For today, what I can do is Love and welcome Love into my life and leave all that is not Love to go where it will. And so I Love… I Love. I Love…
Ameen.
Day 452
The Somethings
Heavy things on my heart… I’m so freaking sensitive…
Thinking about my life still… I was almost successful in the entertainment industry… Almost seven years ago. Can you believe it? I was having meetings with big time producers, pitching ideas to them, being asked to submit my scripts… I had a job working on the Disney lot. It paid more than enough money for me to live on my own in LA and even save… And just when things were better than ever, I ran off – everyone who loved me told me not to – I ran off to be with and live with some man who I thought I couldn’t live without.
He Who Came Before.
I really felt like I couldn’t live without him. I didn’t want to do anything without him anymore. He lived in another state, and if I’m being honest with myself, subconsciously, I didn’t even want to be successful without him. He wasn’t too happy when I told him I had run into a single, male celebrity on the the Disney lot, and that guy had flirted with me.
I ran off. Let go of my apartment in Pasadena with the mountain view on the back porch… Sold my car. Sold my dining room table, which had beautiful mosaic tiles in embedded in it… sold my fridge, packed two and half suitcases and got on a Greyhound bus to start a life with a man I Loved…
We were supposed to live together for three months. I would live with him and he would support me while I polished my writing portfolio, and after three months, I would be done polishing and we would both come back to LA and get married and I would start my life in my industry and he would also work in the creative field. He was a fine artist, among other things…
So, I went to live with him, and within one week of me being there, he told me that he was going to fire his maid, since I was there, and I could help him clean up. And then, without missing a beat, he began telling me how to clean the dirtiest room of the house, which was occupied by one of his teenage foster kids. He would give me a quarter of what I was earning in LA (and what I was earning is a fourth of what he was earning) so that I could have some sort of allowance. I had no friends or family. He would get upset if I talked on the phone too much. He would get upset if I didn’t read the books he wanted me to read or watch the videos he wanted me to watch when he wanted me to read and watch them. He would get upset if I didn’t wear the clothes he wanted me to wear. He would get upset if I didn’t cook every day. I didn’t go grocery shopping. He went grocery shopping and didn’t buy the ingredients I liked to eat. He bought the cheapest stuff instead. I didn’t drive either one of his cars. I only left the house if I was going somewhere in walking distance (the park) or going with him… My emotions were on a constant roller coaster. I didn’t do much writing. Don’t believe I wrote more than ten pages of anything while I was living with him… And if I’m being honest with myself, the truth of the matter is, he was getting upset about everything even before I moved in with him. He asked me to marry him, bought the perfect engagement ring, then got upset about something I said and took the engagement ring back (and told me about it in an email)… He got upset about something else and stopped answering my calls for about a month… Needless to say, he and I didn’t last.
After an argument whether or not we were going to continue to play house, he was huffing and puffing around the house, and I was scared. And I was tired of being scared. And on edge. And emotionally unbalanced. I was tired of being seen as anything but good… And so I bought a ticket for the next greyhound out of town. And I left. And came back to LA.
But that was almost six years ago. And I haven’t been the same since. I haven’t been quite normal since. And I’m looking at my life, and if I can be honest, it makes me sad to see all the time that I’ve wasted. I know you are telling me that it is not time wasted and I have been building character and learning all this great stuff about being human, and I know that that’s one way of looking at it, but I have wasted so much time, God.
I am so much better than the life I’m living. I look around me at so many people, and so many of us are so unhappy. We are in relationships, but they suck. Cheating, abuse, control, manipulation, usury, ego feeding… very little love. We hate our jobs. They have nothing to do with what we really wanted to do with our lives… What happened to us? What happened to the world, Allah? Why are so many people so bad off? Surely it must not be that hard to build a life. Is it? Am I the delusional one? Does no one really care anymore? Have we all just given up?
My heart won’t let me quit. Try as I may, I just can’t quit. I am stubborn. I am so stubborn, Allah, and I believe in things I haven’t seen, like You. I believe in You… I can’t believe some of the relationships I’ve been in. Who was I? Why didn’t I know that I deserved better? Why didn’t I believe that I was lovable? Why didn’t I give love? Why have I been seeking out jobs that have nothing to do with what I want to do with my life and don’t even pay good? Who was I, Allah? I have not been myself. I have been running from my destiny.
But I’m back… I made a mess… I made a pretty big mess of life. I don’t blame He Who Came Before or anyone else. Nobody grabbed my arm or kidnapped me or forced me to make any of the decisions I made in life. I did them all by my own free will… I didn’t know any better, and that is the thing that makes me a bit sad. I didn’t know any better. Most of us make all these bad decisions because we don’t know any better. It’s a catch 22. We’re not in touch with ourselves or we’re desperate or we can’t even see that we have options or we’re afraid or we’re hungry or we’re lonely and so we make the best decisions we can in order to survive. And when things hurt, we believe that men are supposed to be this way or women are supposed to be this way or life is supposed to be this way for us, and we do the best we can… We don’t know any better. Some of us have never even seen one real example of a happy person in our lives. Not one person we know has ever been sincere or genuine… It seems so unfair, God… When I was little, not one person I knew had graduated from college. Not one. Most of us didn’t have fathers, and if we did, they weren’t doing much for our mothers except cheating on them and exploiting them… We didn’t know any better. We didn’t know that good men existed. We didn’t know that men could actually help women’s lives and help us be happier and help us be better. We thought it was enough if they just wanted to marry us. That was enough. That was the best we could ask for… We didn’t know any better.
And so it seems a little unfair, God… I’m just telling you my true thoughts… I have a sociology degree… You kind of have to be super exceptional to a live a life different than your parents…
My mom did a good job. She did the best she could do. She is a dreamer, like me. And she taught us to believe in the things we haven’t seen. It was the best thing she could have done for us. My belief in things I haven’t seen is about the only thing I’ve got going for me right now, ‘cus Lord knows I’ve seen a lot of shit.
And it’s nothing short of a miracle that I’m sitting here right now, in my apartment in LA – the only place I can call home – and my brain is clear for the first time in years. I wasn’t supposed to make it – I know. They wanted me to die. I don’t know who “they” is, but something, someone, didn’t want me to get here. Maybe it was something in me. I don’t know. But I am here.
I am here, and I see everything. Oh, I’m not God, but I see… I see everything. I see everything. I see the big, fat mess I’ve made of my life and I see how to get out of it. Even more, I see how to create a new kind of life, a life I like to look at. I see my bright eyes again. I see joy in my belly again. And I see things I’ve never seen before – like Love. Not pain love. Not abuse love. Not almost love. Not heavy love. Not “don’t live your dream” love. Not “I don’t like you but I guess I’ll love you” love… Pure love. Righteous love. Giddy Love… I see it…
And I see an opening. You are giving me another chance, God. I am humbled. I am so humbled that you would keep me here and let me live and let me get well again and give me another chance to live my destiny. I am so grateful that I can see all the ways that I have created a disaster out of my life, and I know not what to do.
You want to know what I did?
Number one – I picked assholes to fall in love with. I didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t understand that without emotional stability, everything else in life was impossible and challenging for me. I didn’t know that my heart was so sensitive and so powerful and that if my heart was heavy, then my whole life would be heavy. I see it now. After living with so many different people and having so many different people live with me, I see that your personal relationships are the number one influence on your life. I get it. The next time I give my heart to someone, first, I will make sure that he has created a safe space for my heart to rest…
Number two – I didn’t honor what I know. Most of the time, I knew better. I knew what to do. I knew what I wanted, but I was led by fear. I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough money. I was afraid I would be alone. I was afraid I would fail, and so I didn’t take the steps that my Spirit has always been telling me to take. Moving forward, I will honor what I know. Finally.
Anyway….
– And what else?
More? This is already a super long blog entry… More? What are we writing about again?
– We Are Reinventing Ourselves, like you told your lawyer you were gonna do when you signed your settlement papers this week. And we are searching the past years of your life – what I will call the dark night of your soul – to see where you went wrong. To see what you have learned. And you have learned much, my Love.
-And yes there is an opening. You are becoming a thing you have never seen. This is the moment you have been waiting for. A moment of clarity. A moment of sweet release. A moment where you can take responsibility for all you have done and been and take hold of all you choose to do and be. A moment where you can step into the vortex, mind on body, soul aligned, heart open, unified and whole, forgiving, full of love and light, pulled forward by the destiny that is calling your name…
-We will build this new life brick by brick and step by step and you will be thrilled and surprised to see all the good things I have in store for you. It is better than you can imagine… So let us begin with the foundation. First thing’s first: honor what you know. You know the affect that relationships have on your life. It is the big lesson you have been learning. Honor that and know that your experience of relationships with men, friends and family is changing even as you write these words. Your life is changing even as you write these words. I have gone before you and made a way. All you must do now is walk in the direction of the deepest Guidance within you. Are you ready to listen?
Yes, I am ready to listen.
– My Lovely, Beautiful, Stubborn One, let Us begin.
Yes, let us begin. Ameen… Ameen.
Day 451
The Things We Haven’t Seen (How To Build a Life or On Reinventing Myself)
I really am a writer… Sometimes nothing hits the spot but writing. I have all these thoughts in my head and all this stuff I want to share or sort out, and I can pray, meditate, stretch, exercise, dance, swim in the ocean, talk to whoever, touch someone… but nothing can quite get to the root of stuff like writing it out does… eating some good food kind of comes second…
Sometimes I have to write stuff to get rid of the layers of density, like now. So much flux in life… I wonder what I have been doing for the past five years. Just in a fog. I realize that this is not the end point. This is not the life that was destined for me.
I am embarrassed and ashamed to be me and to be living like I’m living. No one expected this of me. Everyone expected me to live the dream life. I even expected it of myself. I was the golden child, and well…
Yesterday I worked a job and made $35 for the entire day. Yes. Me. It was a six and a half hour investment from the time I left my apartment till the time I got back home… Don’t even ask how that’s possible in America. I came home and realized I was making more money than that when I was 14 years old. I have and should be making more money than that per hour. What is wrong with me?
This is how I am coming back to life. Step by step. Piece by piece. I am grateful for my $35 dollars. It will buy me a nice meal and get my eyebrows arched. I am grateful to have my eyes open again and to recognize that I am all of it – I am the woman who made $35 an hour and I am the woman who made $35 a day. I am the best of me and the worst of me, and all of it is beautiful.
We look at a moment in time in a person’s life and judge them by that moment… And it’s just not true.
Allah, I’m ready to live now. I have some clarity. I want to make a bunch of money. Yep. Now. Enough with poverty. I know how to do it. Don’t ask me why I haven’t done it in all this time. Don’t ask me how the past five years even happened. I don’t know. But a part of me is glad it did. A part of me is glad that I’m not so proud anymore. I’m not so arrogant. I’m glad that I can have compassion for people and not judge them. I’m glad that I can actually see who a person is, not just who they are in relation to me. I’m glad that you brought me to my knees, God, and nothing in my brain could figure anything out, so that I had to go deeper than my brain if I wanted to live. I’m glad that I’ve gotten in touch with my intuition. I’m glad that I’m actually thinking about how to structure a dream life and realizing that $35 a day just isn’t gonna cut it. I’m glad that my health just won’t let me be stressed out, and so I have to think of things from the context of, “How can I make a bunch of money and live my dream and not be stressed out?”. In reality, this is what I want anyway.
To live at an easy pace. To have a good life. To do the things You have put me here to do…
I am thinking of my good friend, who passed away earlier this year. I can see him smiling down on me. “You are finally getting on track,” he says. “Time to live your life. Time to bring your projects to the world. Time to have a family. Time to have some money. Time to be in love. Time to be happy. Time to smile again.” If he was here, I would invite him over and we would play music loud while I scrubbed my walls and cleaned up… I really Loved him. He was a cool friend. Thank you for him, God.
You say you will restore the years the locusts have eaten, and I understand what You mean…
The Mother in me says I need to eat soon. Who could enjoy a meal with me? Just sit down and eat and enjoy each others’ company? No holding back. No being disingenuous…
The feelings pass. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes they are intense. There’s a lot of pain and sorrow and heartbreak that has been bottled up and never expressed. I’m still crying about things. I’m still hurt about things. But The Mother in me tells me when I need to lay down and cry and rest and when I need to get up and work while I’m crying, and when I need to stop crying for a minute and do something else, lol… and when I need to get up and go get some nourishment… and when I need to do some work. And she tells me who to hang out with. She sounds like my mom. “This person is not good for you,” she says, and she’s right. And she tells me who I need to say sorry to and who I need to speak my mind to and she tells me when a place and a situation is safe for me. She reminds to honor who I am and to honor where I am at this point in my life: fragile, starting over. She reminds me that I am good, because sometimes I look at all that has happened in life and I forget…
And now she is telling me to bring this entry to a close. It doesn’t matter if there’s no point. The point is, it’s time to live your/my life…
I let My People go yesterday… He was the last man sitting on my heart. Can you believe it? The last man… Geez. He’s a pretty awesome guy. I know, you’re probably like, who is My People??? My People is a guy I met just about a year ago. He’s a priest of sorts. In the course of a year, I’ve only hung out with him 3 times. The last time we hung out was about four months ago. When we’ve hung out, we just sit around and talk about the deepest parts of our soul and lives. Really. lol. It’s so bizarre, but when I first met him, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was home. Being with him felt like home.. Oh, it was such a lovely feeling. We don’t do anything romantic or physical, but we’ve held hands every time we’ve hung out, and holding his hand just might be the most intimate thing I’ve ever done. We’ve never kissed. We’ve never even had a sexual type hug, but we’ve prayed together. We’ve cried together. We’ve sat out on the grass and put our feet on the Earth together… Lol. He lives a super crazy busy life… Big name people from all over the world fly him here and there to come pray for them and run workshops and consult and God knows whatever else. And he runs an organization that helps men be men. His credentials are awesome, but he doesn’t leave much time in his life for Love or joy or personal relationships.
And we’ve been friends for the past year – he says the past year has been the most difficult year of his life. His father passed away recently and it was the first time anyone he was close to died… The past year has been the most difficult time of my life, too. But we have been friends, texting each other and calling and communicating about once a month on average. Usually it’s me reaching out to him, but every now and then he surprises me with a random call or message… We have been talking about the nature of our relationship ever since we met. I’d marry him in a second, but he hasn’t been sure if marriage is something he wants for his life, and if so, if he wants to marry me.. lol. If I was to give my heart to anyone in the world, it would be him, because I know he’d keep it safe and he’d nourish it… There would be no compromising of Self with him. I could be my very best self and he would help me be that just by his presence… He would want me to live every last dream and he would trust that I could do it. And it wouldn’t make him feel insecure. And I’d help him, too, with the things he doesn’t know he needs, like woman love and balance. And I’d help him sort his life out so that he had more time to be easy and smile… This was my not-so-secret fantasy that I had of him.
I told him about it and he didn’t know what to do with it. Told me he felt a very deep connection with me, but wasn’t sure about what to do about it. And so we’ve been like this for about a year. Just friends encouraging each other and sending each other the energy of pure love. And that’s been ok with me. But recently, I started thinking about living my life, and sooner than later, there will be a man. And I searched my heart and found that there was someone there already. It was My People. And there was no way I’d be able to love anyone and want anyone else if I was still holding on to the fantasy of him. So I let him go…
In the meantime, as I wait for time to unveil this new life that is finally taking root in my body, mind, spirit and heart… I will get up and take some action now, Mother In Me. It’s time to live your life, he says to me. It’s time… Ameen.
Day 450
Time To Live Your Life
Hey…
I have to get out of the house in a bit, so this won’t be long.
Yesterday was probably the toughest day of my life. Or maybe the second toughest. I felt like I wanted to disappear. All of the pain I had been through… All of the disappointment… Everything just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Every negative thing anyone had ever said about me became a reality. And I felt like a loser. I didn’t have anything in this world besides a car that I won on a game show. Nobody loved me. Men were always leaving because I was too (strong, weak, smart, dumb, sexy, homely, ambitious, unaccomplished, spiritual, nonreligious). I was too pushy. I was not aggressive enough. I thought too high of myself. I thought too low of myself. I didn’t need them. There was some weaker woman who would collapse without their arms, and so they went to give others their love. Or I pushed them away. Or whatever.
And my life? It was nowhere. It is nowhere. I saw myself as broken. My Kind had opened up a deep, deep love in me, and then left to be with a weaker woman who he thought needed him… Mr. Almost Famous hadn’t stood up for me when I reached out to him and asked him to defend me against someone who was trying to exploit me… My sis didn’t want me staying with her, or at least I thought she didn’t… I was a nobody, and I felt like nobody wanted me. Nobody wanted to just hold me and Love me… Just Love me, even though I’m not perfect. Just Love me, even though I don’t always get it right and I mess up on a lot of stuff. Just Love me even though I’m smart and strong and I may not need someone to tell me what to do all the time. Just Love me even though I’ve been effed up for a while. Yes, I’ve been effed up for a while. I’ve been confused for a while. I’ve been living below my potential for a while. I’ve been irresponsible for a while, if you want to judge me.
I haven’t taken opportunities that came to my doorstep. I’ve spent a huge portion of time and energy on people who don’t even have the capacity to care about anyone but themselves. I haven’t stood up for myself. I let people take me for granted. I shirked responsibility for my own life… I hurt people. Sometimes on purpose but mostly unintentionally. But I hurt them anyway.
And how was I going to do anything in life, with me being me? Just a girl with words and lofty ideas… How could I transform a life so low? All of these dreams I’ve had seemed so far away yesterday. Maybe I was just fooling myself…
Maybe I was the gold-digging whore that He Who Came Before had always made me feel like I was. Maybe I was just a tool to be used and discarded. I couldn’t figure anything out. I couldn’t even figure out where I wanted to live or what I should do to make an income so people didn’t have to give me their money and look at me all funny. I didn’t want to go back into the world where people would hurt me again, where men would just use my love for a time and dismiss me if I became unpleasant or displayed a need for anything… I didn’t want my old life anymore, but I couldn’t envision a new one… Maybe my life experience was true: I was a nothing. And I didn’t want to be a nothing, just being a burden on people and bringing people down. And so I wanted to disappear.
I cried. I cried deeper and louder than I’ve ever cried in my life. I cried for hours on end. How am I supposed to start a life that I can’t even see? I felt everything. I hadn’t felt it all before. I felt my deep, deep sadness. I felt every man who had ever left. I felt every disapproving glance that had ever looked my way. I felt all my disappointments and all of my failures, and I felt my smallness. I felt so small, like there was nothing I could do about anything. And I curled myself up in a ball and wanted to disappear. I closed my eyes…
But when I opened my eyes, I was still there… Shit. I was still here. I am still here. I don’t even have no real magic. Can’t even disappear… lol.
Then I started talking to myself. I tapped into the part of me that has a bad, ghetto attitude. I looked at the worst, meanest things I have ever said to anyone. And I decided. I made a decision. I decided that my bad attitude was lovable. Yep. I decided that I wasn’t so bad, I wasn’t so horrible that I couldn’t be loved. There are so many assholes in the world who are loved. They are so much meaner than me. I decided that I just wasn’t that bad.
I looked at the weakest parts of myself. The part that stays frozen in a room when her feelings are hurt, instead of doing what she needs to do. And I decided that even she was lovable, and if there was no man that would stand up for her, I would. And I told my weak, scared self that I would fight for her. I would be there for her when she was scared of everyone and everything. Even if her own family thought she was plumb nuts crazy and couldn’t understand anything she was going through, I would try and understand her, and I would get up for her and walk with shaky knees to a place where she can be safe. I made a promise to the worst parts of myself. I would be there for me.
And I thought of myself as a child, who just hadn’t got it right yet. I held my own self in my own arms and let myself cry… I know you have been hurting, Love. I know these things hurt you so, so much. I know, my baby. I know. You can cry here in my arms. You don’t have to pretend that you are not hurting. I know how sensitive you are. I will hold you until all the pain goes away. I will hold you again and again. I won’t leave you. I won’t disappear and say you are too sad or too needy. I won’t say you’re not strong enough. I will hold you.
And even while you are crying, I will do the work for you. I am Your Mother. I am Your Highest self. I will Protect You… Oh, my baby… It hasn’t been easy for you… I am sorry. It has been hard. But you have made it here, ok my strong baby? You have made it here. The worst parts of you and the best parts of you are all here. And I Love them all. I Love You, my baby… We can different now, OK? We can be happy now. Do you remember your smile? Your beautiful, giddy smile? Do you remember your bright eyes and how you Loved to dance and run around and give people things? I know you don’t care about much besides Love, and it is OK. You are OK. There’s nothing wrong with you, OK…
Don’t believe them. They don’t know the truth. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are just growing and bumbling and making mistakes along the way. But you are beautiful, and it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn…
So I’m gonna get up now. Do you want to come with me?
-Yes.
Ok. We’re gonna go out into the world, and let’s do some things that we like to do, OK?
-OK.
You need some new shoes and you need a new ergonomic keyboard so your hands don’t hurt when you type.
-OK
And would you like to turn in that application so you can make movies and be in them? Are you ready? Don’t worry. I will be with you if it gets too scary… You want to do that today? I promise I won’t ever leave you again. I promise I promise I promise. I’m sorry I have been gone for so long. I promise I’m gonna be right here as you rebuild your life step by step… So you want to take that step today?
-Will you hold my hand?
Yes, I will…
-Ok… OK…
Ameen.
Day 449
Return of The Mother
I don’t even know where to start. The past, present, or future?
How about I start in the present. I am in Hawaii. I’ve been here for a little over two weeks. Right now I am sitting in my single sister’s one bedroom apartment. Birds are chirping. The sun is out. I see blue skies and mountains through the windows. I see purplish-pink flowers, leaves, a clothes line and a baby gecko outside.
I am here by myself. I came here with my sick friend so that I could help him get some medical care from my awesome doctor, and I also came so that I could get some medical care from my doctor and take one last swim in the Hawaiian ocean and see my beautiful sisters in Hawaii one last time before I start the next phase of my life. My health had relapsed in the past month, but I’ll write about that later. The stress in my life was really kicking my body’s butt, and I was beginning to have constant shakiness in my body, short breath, and super tight muscles and tension everywhere in my body. My Hawaii doctor is a miracle worker and he got most of the knots out of my body in the past two weeks and is giving me a plan to stay healthy… He says that I can be completely back to my optimal health if I stick to the plan… I didn’t have a disease or anything. My problem was stress and lifestyle. It broke my body down.
Now I’m here in Hawaii. My friend came here, too. My sick friend. I’ve known him for half of my life. Literally. Since we were teens brand new to the world. He was the one who came and helped me out last year when I was so sick that I couldn’t even get off the floor to make my own food. He came and cooked for me every day. And it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s exactly what I needed. And so he got sick. Actually, he’s been sick for many years, but his health got worse. And since I had gotten better, he asked if I would help him get better. No one really believed he was sick but me. His symptoms were similar to mine. There were no broken bones, no issues found in blood tests. No coughs or colds or snot or bumps. He could talk just fine. But he would tell people that he had no energy, and until I got sick and experienced it for myself, I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought he just lazy. Or unmotivated. Or depressed. When I got sick, people said the same thing about me. But I wasn’t lazy. Or unmotivated. I was sick and I had no idea what was wrong with me or how to fix it. And I didn’t have any energy. I couldn’t walk up one flight of stairs without stopping. I couldn’t make it from one block to the next. And it wasn’t like you get when you’re tired, like when you exercise. It was like my circuits were fried.
I would get confused and my brain would feel foggy after a little bit of exertion. And my whole body would hurt. I wasn’t out of breath. I was out of energy… And people thought I was lazy. People thought I was looking for a way not to work. I’ve always had a job since I was 15 years old and never really asked anyone to pay for stuff for me, but silly men thought I was trying to find a way to use people by using my health as an excuse… But I digress.
My friend was sick and, since I used to work for LA County and know how to navigate the system, and since I actually believed he was sick, he asked if I could help him get tests done and ultimately get an MRI so they could find out what was wrong with him. I said I’d help. And I did. We made a plan. For three months, he’s stay with me in LA and I’d do everything I could to get him all kinds of tests and ultimately an MRI. If we accomplished all of this in three months, I’d go with him to Hawaii, so he could see my doctor. My doctor is a chiropractor, but he’s also certified in several clinical procedures, and he’s a wholistic doctor, so I was sure he could help my friend…
To make a long story short, we accomplished everything we set out to do in three months, and we ended up in Hawaii two weeks ago. My friend had gotten his MRI. The MRI indicated that he had swelling and fluid in his brain… 😦
He’s not gonna die, but had he gone much longer without treatment and without a diagnosis, I don’t know what would have happened to him. My doctor did some procedures to help drain the fluid out of his brain, and gave him a healthcare plan and some prescriptions so that he can continue to get better… And my friend boarded a plane to LA yesterday. He is going to see his LA doctor so that they can also give him a diagnosis and healthcare plan…
And I just got a phone call… Life is moving so fast. My sister (who’s Hawaii apartment I’m in right now, while she’s out of town on a job training) just called and told me that her job will be placing her in LA. This Friday. She just got a job with the company that I used to work for years ago before I went back to school to work in the film world. The company she works for is awesome. It pays a whole lot of money and sends you all over the country to do awesome leadership jobs. They give you a car. They pay for a place to stay. They pay for your daily food allowance. All of the income you make is profit because you literally have zero living expenses. This company will be paying for my sis to live in Cali. In the lovely part of town that I used to live in before my life fell apart and I moved in with He Who Came Before…
What does all of this mean? It means so much. It means that my sis has an apartment in Hawaii that I could potentially live in if I wanted to… And I’ve already gotten a job offer in Hawaii. It means that if I went back to LA, that’s one more sister there. And this sister and I have a lot of common interests… It means my sis and I could potentially be roommates. We could live somewhere beautiful and make a lot of money in our last few months of being single.
Hawaii is not the same without my family here. It’s still beautiful and amazing, but my sisters, my mom, and my nieces and nephews made this place that more special. My doctor is still here, but he says I’m getting well…
What I’m trying to say, what I’m explaining to you is that a shift is taking place. It is ridiculous. It is huge. We are entering the land of the possible. Do you see? Everything from the past is over… I’ve had so much drama over the years… It’s all over. It feels like a spell is being broken. Even my eyes are getting white again.
I can hear the voice of my friend who passed away earlier this year. He is telling me to go where the love is… Go where the life is. Something is happening, Allah. Something is opening in my eyes… Something is opening in my soul. Life is possible again. Do you understand? It’s not just something I’m writing about in a blog… Doors are opening again. I passed the test. I don’t even know what the test was, but I passed it. I kept listening to You…
And Now… Whew… Now what shall we do? What do we do in a world where anything is possible? I mean anything. Don’t think about money. Money is there. It’s just there. Just believe me. Well, I’m speaking for myself. I know this. Money is there. I have been sick for the past two years and out of work for most of it and money has found me and kept me eating and sheltered and clothed… But more money is there now. Now that I’m able to work.
What shall I do? Do you understand? Most of my life, there has been a job beckoning me somewhere. Or a man. Or some family thing. Or some school thing. I have never really believed that absolutely anything I wanted was possible, so I made decisions from the realm of what I thought could happen. But You are telling me that if I wanted to stay right here in Hawaii and write and sell movies and meet a fabulous man, I could do that. Or I could move to LA and live life there and live in a clean part of town near nature… Or I could move to another country, any country and live any kind of life I wanted to there. I know it all sounds to fantastic. You are telling me that whenever I decide to be with a man, start a family, do whatever kind of work I want to do, then that will be my life… Oh my God. My mind doesn’t want to believe you, but my soul understands…
– This time, when deciding what to do next with Your life, do not say, “This is what I can do and this is how I can do it and let’s make this plan and get this money first.” No. Say, “This is what I want to do, and this is how and where and when I want to do it.” The end. Just try it. Don’t worry about how, when and where things will work out. Try Trusting me. Try exercising your Will. Your Will. Your Divine Will. The faculty of choice that I have given you. It’s time to start your life, Laydie. Yes, you had another life, but you are a different person now. You have evolved and didn’t even know it. Now you know. You have come into your own skin. You are a Woman now, with so much beauty to offer to this world. But do not get caught up in that ego aspect. Let us focus on choice. Your energy field has been cleansed. You did it. You did the work… You did the work. Take a shower. Wash your hair. Connect with All There Is. Pray. Center yourself. And once you are centered, you will know what to choose next. And once you know, take action. Do not hesitate. Take action. Today. Your new life is reaching out to you. Meet it with your will. Release fear. See what lives in the possible and choose the possible now… Now.. Now… Now… Now.. Now… Now.. Now…
Now.
Ameen.
Day 448
In The Possible
I am imagining what a relaxed face looks like… A lot of change coming in the next few days… People moving out. People moving in… I got a job offer. Back in education. A respectable job. Good pay… Flexible time. I’ll start by September.
My face is super tingling. I’m sitting in a coffee shop with My Kind. He’s everywhere. He lives on the next block from me, and I literally run into him everywhere all the time. I’m kind of overwhelmed and want to burst out crying, but I don’t want him to think I’m crying over him… He’s a dork face. Still the same. Only wants what he doesn’t have. I know this syndrome. I’ve had it before. Not anymore…
Can you believe who I got an email from today? My first love. Haven’t heard from or spoken to him in over six years. He sent me an email and told me he’s on the pacific coast. Told me I crossed his mind. When I asked him what he was thinking when I crossed his mind, he didn’t respond… That was this morning. And I’ve been too busy to think about him all day. I’ve been busy nonstop all day… Now I can let my forehead relax a bit before I go back to busy life.
From this relaxed place, I am thinking about my first love, and how I loved him so much. I would have done anything for that man, and I did do anything for him. It was the kind of love that tragic romance novels are made of. Oh, my baby… I know that he has suffered much. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but oh, my baby… He has missed out on so much love…
I am remembering Love. I am remembering passion… I am remembering the wild, wild, days of my younger years. I had a good time. I did everything I wanted to do. I could tell you stories… I had a good time, God. Thank you for so many amazing experiences in life.
Now I am older. Not an old lady yet, but older. Old enough to understand the importance of character. Old enough not to care about much and not to take myself too seriously. Old enough to appreciate Love. Old enough to let everything go. And old enough to know that I need not just to give, but to receive Love… Oh, my baby. This is the end, isn’t it? I am older now and I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t hate you not one bit. You didn’t understand.
You didn’t understand that love was to be loved. You didn’t understand… You didn’t see what you had in hand – the most precious gift in the world. Someone who Loved you. Someone who would Love you just because you exist. And you hurt me much. It has taken years and years to repair the damage you’d done. It has taken years for me to believe that I deserve good things. It has taken years for me to know that I’m good enough. It has taken years for me to open my heart. It has taken years for me to dare to believe that I could possibly trust a man. It has taken years for me to think that I am sexy enough where I don’t deserve to be cheated on. It has taken years for me to figure out that men are supposed to protect you, not trick and manipulate you. It has taken years for me to feel like I was a good person – I always used to feel like I was being punished with you. The moment I opened my heart, there was some new transgression… It has taken years, my baby.
I wonder who I would have been had we never met. I would have been somebody’s sweet wife, but I wouldn’t have been so cool. I wouldn’t be wearing my hair in a mohawk right now, nor would I have learned how to curse people out when they mess with me. And I wouldn’t have had the courage – the need, rather – to learn how to love myself. And I wouldn’t understand that all people have a dark side. And darling, I understand… I understand. I Love You, my baby.
Our children have died already. Our life was a dream never fulfilled, and from what I sense in your field, it will stay a dream, for you refuse to Love, and I think there is a certain amount of work that we all must do on our own… I can not make you choose to Love. I can not make you choose to Love. I can not make you choose… I pray that you will come to a place where you can think of me and remember me as your baby and know that you are worthy of the deepest kind of Love. In my eyes, you are pure light. Yes, pure light lives in you still. Bring it out and your suffering will end. I pray that your suffering ends.
Oh, my baby. Thank you. I pray that your suffering ends.
Ameen.
Day 447
My Baby (Closed Doors and Open Hearts)
Coming back to the center…
Sometimes there are so many things to write about. Energy strikes a chord with my spirit, and so I will write about that…
I am overwhelmed with gratitude right now. I am finally beginning to understand some things about life.
The funny and ironic thing is, the things that I’m finally beginning to understand are the things that I’ve known all along. Like energy. You walk into a room and you feel bad all of a sudden. You don’t know why, and since you can’t reason it out, you stay in a situation until ultimately you discover why your instinct told you to leave the room in the first place.
Everyone doesn’t feel energy as strongly as I do. I get it. But I have this system built in, that guides me. We all have this system, but I’m very aware of it and very in tune with it. And I have spent so long not listening to the Guidance within. And I am grateful today, because I am finally deciding to listen. Fully.
God, thank you for Your guidance. Your wild child rebel is turning into a praying holy roller. And I Love it. I Love every piece of it. I Love who I am becoming. I Love how I am becoming. I Love who I am. For the first time in my life. Thank you.
I have so many stories to tell. So much happens in a day, and I’m not even out in the world like that! What I would like to remember about this time in my life is that this is the time in my life that I decided that my relationships must be good. I decided that I am a good person and I’m only interested in welcoming harmonious, good relationships into my inner circle… And I decided to be good to the people who I’m traveling through life with.
And you know, as a kid, we knew what good relationships were. We knew. Don’t betray each other. Say sorry. Be a real friend or a real boyfriend or girlfriend. Be nice. Don’t keep secrets. Be loyal. Share things with each other and take care of each other if we are sick or hurt or just need help. Tell the truth to each other and forgive. And if someone does something wrong to the other, make it up. Give me a piece of candy and I’ll be your friend again. We knew how to be humans. We already know.
Journal, my relationships had become so painful, and now they’re not anymore. I was scared to let go of all the dysfunction, because I was scared that I wouldn’t have anyone else in my life, but I trusted You, God, and I let go of all the dysfunction. And guess what is happening? My friends are letting go of all the dysfunction, too, in their own time! They want to be happy, too. Nobody wants to carry all of these pains and all of these disappointments with them everywhere. We are just so afraid. We actually think we can control things in life, as if we couldn’t just die tomorrow, spend all our time trying to focus on what we think we can control, instead of focusing on what we want to do with our lives and how we really want to be while we are here and now.
Can I tell you what I am experiencing? A release. A release in my forehead. A release in the back of my head. A release in my shoulders. A profound understanding. A clearing of so much pain. A knowing that something major has shifted and life will never be the same again. A deep, abiding hope. It is possible to have a good life.
You see, my problem has never been life. I am good at life. I am good at surviving and getting jobs and all that material stuff. Relationships have been my issue. Relationships and issues surrounding them have been the thing that keeps me knocked out on the bed for days and weeks at a time. And I am finally understanding that I don’t have to fight people anymore. There is a difference between fighting and standing up for oneself.
If you stand up for yourself, if you set a tone from the beginning, if you tell anyone who comes your way, “Hey, if you want to hang out with me, you’re gonna have to be nice. You’re gonna have to see me and care about me,” then you will set a standard for your own life. But you have to know that some people won’t come around. They aren’t ready. Or they aren’t willing. And you have to be willing to take that loss, because if you bring them around, you are saying to yourself and to them and to the Universe that you are OK with being close to people who have no intention of being nice to you or caring for you or seeing you. And who wants that?
I want to thank you, Allah, for this day. For this moment. I have absolutely nothing, you understand? Nothing. Oh, but I am so thankful for the understanding that I am finally receiving. I know that from this place of understanding, from this reference point, where I get it. I finally understand that I’m worth something. But not only that. I finally understand that other people are worth something, too, and relationships are sacred contracts… I understand how deeply I need to Love and be Loved and I honor that. I understand that my very survival depends on me honoring the Truth about myself.
And I know that this understanding is one of the best things that ever happened to me. Because from here, anything I build on this foundation will be good. This is the very best time of my life, God. All this time, I should have just been following the Guidance You’ve been giving me. I’m sorry it took a stubborn woman like me so long to get things right, but I’m finally getting things right! I can take action from this place and trust that it will be fruitful. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You so much…
Like my nephew says after I tell him to go to his room for punishment and he comes back out, “I’m ready to listen.”
Day 446
Real Standards
And then the storm came.
For the past few weeks I have been right in the midst of it. But Lovers, do you want to hear about the storm? Or do you want to hear about the peace that comes after. What part are we on? Ah, yes. The Breath of Life.
So I will tell you of the storm. Briefly, terror came my way, in the form of people full of fear and pain, asking to be saved. Asking to be saved by me. In exchange for my help they offered betrayal, lies, disappointment, stones thrown, incessant demands, malice and jealousy. They saved their frowned faces and resentment for me and me alone.. It is all so boring and redundant. But for a moment it was real, and I was caught up in the storm, taking a beating for being kind, or so I thought…
One day, Spirit told me to go a certain place and I ran straight into My Kind and his girlfriend (or non-girlfriend depending on the day). He didn’t know what to do, so he introduced her to me…
Some of the people full of fear and pain had moved into my apartment, so I spent many days in my car crying my eyes out, sobbing, for things I thought had passed years ago. My first kiss, my first love, a man almost twice my age who made me feel like the most beautiful thing in the world and then, after kissing me, told me that he didn’t really want to be with me, and that he only kissed me because I reminded him of someone he really liked… I cried for My Kind, because he had brought my heart to life and showed me such Love and Kindness, but he didn’t choose me even though he wanted to, and I cried for so many men who hadn’t chosen me, even though they wanted to. They opted for women who they didn’t love. Safe, tame women who will never require that they be their full selves, women who only want for them to stay… But this will not fill you up, My Loves.
And I wonder why they did not choose me? Am I so difficult to love? They speak of me – The Love of Their Life, they call me. In their eyes, I am a gypsy, wild and free… I ask for too much, they say, although I don’t ask for anything… I don’t care about their money. I don’t care about where they are in life or where they live or what they drive. I don’t care about their age or what they look like, but they won’t believe. And they can’t understand.
What I care about is their soul. What I care about is their heart. What I want to know is if they will be brave enough to Love with arms wide open. Will they be man enough to let go of their wounds and fears? Will they dare to at least try to live the life they’ve dreamed of? Will they get over themselves and just be honest? And just be kind and good to one another? Is a smile too much to ask for? Is forgiveness too much? Do I really ask for too much, God?
Heartbreak is my kryptonite. It will knock me out for days, months, years on end. And for some days now, I have been full of tears. What am I doing wrong? Am I a thing that I can not see? Am I bad person and I do not know? Why am I so difficult to love? Should I bend, cow, be smaller, ask for less? Should I stop talking and don’t speak of my dreams or my past? Should I just say, “yes. OK. Thank you for being here. How can I serve?” Should I ignore all trespasses against my soul, against my womb, against by heart, against my mind? Should I pretend I do not see what I see?
Is this what we have become? Is this what it takes to be… Not loved, but coupled?
The storm was deep and ravishing this time…
Then one night, one of my sisters called me. Random. Middle of the night. She wanted to tell me that she had written me a song years ago. A song. Just for me. She had never told me about such a thing and I didn’t even know that this sister gave me much thought when I wasn’t in her presence. But that night, she sang me such a beautiful song. In it, it spoke of my bright eyes, and it spoke of how I had been looking down for some time. It encouraged me to look up. It encouraged to be bright in a world that can be bright… And it was all I needed.
I began to look up. Someone had seen me. Someone had seen my bright eyes and they had written me a song. I began to look up. I decided that I am not too difficult to Love. No. I fed myself with Love and songs and sunshine and I meant it. I broke my own spell. And this is the wonderful part – I stepped out of the storm all around me. I just stepped out of it. It was nonsense. It is nonsense. All this fear and pain is nonsense. Yes, we are all on our separate journeys and fear and pain is usually somewhere on the path, but what do you do with it? Just dwell in it forever?
I stepped out of the storm and I looked up at the blue-grey smoggy sky. The sun was still shining, even through this sky. I decided that I am who I am, and it’s not a curse, it’s a blessing. Yes, I’m not perfect. Yes, I have issues. But I’m not a bad person. It’s not even in me…
I broke up with My Kind. Yes, I have been constantly breaking up with men that I’m not even with. And what? I had conversations with the people in my apartment. My Neighbor called me (after being out of touch for over two months because I wanted to talk about his offenses against me) and asked me to do some stuff for him, and I said no. I am writing this all nonchalantly, but it all hurt deeply.
I cried every step of the way, especially when I broke up with My Kind. I Loved him, you see. I really did. He had a pure Heart full of Love and such a Kind way about him. And he was thoughtful and considerate. And I don’t know why he didn’t pick me. I can speculate…
It wasn’t because he didn’t love me more. It wasn’t because he didn’t like me more. It wasn’t even because he was trying to be loyal to his girlfriend. It might have been because he would have had to be his full self had he chosen me, and he wasn’t interested in that kind of pressure.
Whatever the reason he didn’t choose me, I had to open my hands and let him go. Because he didn’t choose me. And this is called faith. This is an intentional act. What is it, God? What do I have to do?
-You Let go of something that you wanted.
Why?
-Because it does not want you. And it is blocking the thing that wants you from coming your way.
But why did I love him so and want him if he didn’t want me?
-Did you really want him?
…
-This can be your last storm. You can master this part. You can make it out of this kind of experience. Now. Today. Never again to be repeated. There is no need to curse him. He Loved you. We all know this. He Blessed your beating heart and you inspired him to come alive again…
Shall We complete this journey, now? In between two worlds, You are. In hand are keys to the other side. Know what you know. Know what you know. Know what you know. Know what you know. Rise up and be your full self. Free. Hold fast to me, Love. Hold fast to me. Rise up and let go of all that would bind you to the fog. Free… Free… Free… Here there is Love for you yet. Oh, there is Grace here for you yet. Look up to the Heavens, my Love. Look up… Look up… Your heart light as a feather… Look up. Let the pain fall off. Look up. Look up. Look up. Oh, it is such a brand new day. The storm is over, Love. Look up…
Ameen
Day 445
The Last Storm (Look Up)
And then the moments come when there is no storm. Freedom, freedom, freedom. The heaviness falls away.
Do you dare to think about your heart’s deepest desire? Do you dare to contemplate dreams come true? There are moments of bliss, like now, when your mind will take you there.
A pressure behind the eyeballs is released. A forehead is relaxed. Shoulders feel light. And you are able to go to a place where you can truly think.
And in my thoughts, I see freedom. There is no past. Body is healthy and free. Heartache is just an old story to tell to the young people. And You and I, God, we are one. My will is meshed with Yours. Our Will is one and the same.
And Our will is that we would live a life where the highest possible good of all affected by us is manifested with Our every thought and action. I ask what I should do with my life, and You ask me what my heart’s deepest desire is.
And I hadn’t thought about it in a while. What would absolutely delight me? I saw it this time, in my mind’s eye… My heart’s deepest desire was to be free. My heart’s deepest desire was to fully embody all that I am and to make so many things: books, movies, art; and to be good at making such things. My heart’s deepest desire was to Love so deeply and to be Loved… Oh, to commune with so many on this Earth. My heart’s deepest desire was to walk the Earth with an easy smile inside me, to submerge myself in a Hawaiian ocean and feel the water on my forehead. To kiss an open mouth and exchange breath with a True Beloved.
You granted me this image, a guidepost to walk towards. And You say that the image has already been complete in a place beyond space and time, but in this world of time, it will take some time to unfold.
I am not afraid anymore. I am back on track. My heart is back alive. I have found the very center of my being. It has been here all along; a place where everything makes sense. Oh, I wish I could explain it to you. I wish I had the words. But it’s not a word. It’s a feeling. It’s a tone. It’s a mood. It’s a color. It is a state of being completely unworried about what will happen next.
You will die, guaranteed. Maybe in your sleep. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in very old age or in an accident or a war, but when you are here, where I am right now, it doesn’t matter how you die. You don’t need to understand anything. Here and now, in this space, all that matters is living; and while one is alive, all that matters is the unfoldment of one’s heart’s deepest desire.
Life, I Breathe into you with all of me, with every single ounce of my Blessed Being. I let go of forcing and wishing and doubting and crying, and I allow you to carry me. I focus my will on the things that I would do with the time I have, and I thank you for this very special moment. I thank you for so many very special moments where you have brought me back home…
Ameen.
Day 444
The Heart’s Deepest Desire
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