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Day 450 – Time to Live Your Life

September 9, 2016

I really am a writer… Sometimes nothing hits the spot but writing. I have all these thoughts in my head and all this stuff I want to share or sort out, and I can pray, meditate, stretch, exercise, dance, swim in the ocean, talk to whoever, touch someone… but nothing can quite get to the root of stuff like writing it out does… eating some good food kind of comes second…

Sometimes I have to write stuff to get rid of the layers of density, like now. So much flux in life… I wonder what I have been doing for the past five years. Just in a fog. I realize that this is not the end point. This is not the life that was destined for me.

I am embarrassed and ashamed to be me and to be living like I’m living. No one expected this of me. Everyone expected me to live the dream life. I even expected it of myself. I was the golden child, and well…

Yesterday I worked a job and made $35 for the entire day. Yes. Me. It was a six and a half hour investment from the time I left my apartment till the time I got back home… Don’t even ask how that’s possible in America. I came home and realized I was making more money than that when I was 14 years old. I have and should be making more money than that per hour. What is wrong with me?

This is how I am coming back to life. Step by step. Piece by piece. I am grateful for my $35 dollars. It will buy me a nice meal and get my eyebrows arched. I am grateful to have my eyes open again and to recognize that I am all of it – I am the woman who made $35 an hour and I am the woman who made $35 a day. I am the best of me and the worst of me, and all of it is beautiful.

We look at a moment in time in a person’s life and judge them by that moment… And it’s just not true.

Allah, I’m ready to live now. I have some clarity. I want to make a bunch of money. Yep. Now. Enough with poverty. I know how to do it. Don’t ask me why I haven’t done it in all this time. Don’t ask me how the past five years even happened. I don’t know. But a part of me is glad it did. A part of me is glad that I’m not so proud anymore. I’m not so arrogant. I’m glad that I can have compassion for people and not judge them. I’m glad that I can actually see who a person is, not just who they are in relation to me. I’m glad that you brought me to my knees, God, and nothing in my brain could figure anything out, so that I had to go deeper than my brain if I wanted to live. I’m glad that I’ve gotten in touch with my intuition. I’m glad that I’m actually thinking about how to structure a dream life and realizing that $35 a day just isn’t gonna cut it. I’m glad that my health just won’t let me be stressed out, and so I have to think of things from the context of, “How can I make a bunch of money and live my dream and not be stressed out?”. In reality, this is what I want anyway.

To live at an easy pace. To have a good life. To do the things You have put me here to do…

I am thinking of my good friend, who passed away earlier this year. I can see him smiling down on me. “You are finally getting on track,” he says. “Time to live your life. Time to bring your projects to the world. Time to have a family. Time to have some money. Time to be in love. Time to be happy. Time to smile again.” If he was here, I would invite him over and we would play music loud while I scrubbed my walls and cleaned up… I really Loved him. He was a cool friend. Thank you for him, God.

You say you will restore the years the locusts have eaten, and I understand what You mean…

The Mother in me says I need to eat soon. Who could enjoy a meal with me? Just sit down and eat and enjoy each others’ company? No holding back. No being disingenuous…

The feelings pass. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes they are intense. There’s a lot of pain and sorrow and heartbreak that has been bottled up and never expressed. I’m still crying about things. I’m still hurt about things. But The Mother in me tells me when I need to lay down and cry and rest and when I need to get up and work while I’m crying, and when I need to stop crying for a minute and do something else, lol… and when I need to get up and go get some nourishment… and when I need to do some work. And she tells me who to hang out with. She sounds like my mom. “This person is not good for you,” she says, and she’s right. And she tells me who I need to say sorry to and who I need to speak my mind to and she tells me when a place and a situation is safe for me. She reminds to honor who I am and to honor where I am at this point in my life: fragile, starting over. She reminds me that I am good, because sometimes I look at all that has happened in life and I forget…

And now she is telling me to bring this entry to a close. It doesn’t matter if there’s no point. The point is, it’s time to live your/my life…

I let My People go yesterday… He was the last man sitting on my heart. Can you believe it? The last man… Geez. He’s a pretty awesome guy. I know, you’re probably like, who is My People??? My People is a guy I met just about a year ago. He’s a priest of sorts. In the course of a year, I’ve only hung out with him 3 times. The last time we hung out was about four months ago. When we’ve hung out, we just sit around and talk about the deepest parts of our soul and lives. Really. lol. It’s so bizarre, but when I first met him, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was home. Being with him felt like home.. Oh, it was such a lovely feeling. We don’t do anything romantic or physical, but we’ve held hands every time we’ve hung out, and holding his hand just might be the most intimate thing I’ve ever done. We’ve never kissed. We’ve never even had a sexual type hug, but we’ve prayed together. We’ve cried together. We’ve sat out on the grass and put our feet on the Earth together… Lol. He lives a super crazy busy life… Big name people from all over the world fly him here and there to come pray for them and run workshops and consult and God knows whatever else. And he runs an organization that helps men be men. His credentials are awesome, but he doesn’t leave much time in his life for Love or joy or personal relationships.

And we’ve been friends for the past year – he says the past year has been the most difficult year of his life. His father passed away recently and it was the first time anyone he was close to died… The past year has been the most difficult time of my life, too. But we have been friends, texting each other and calling and communicating about once a month on average. Usually it’s me reaching out to him, but every now and then he surprises me with a random call or message… We have been talking about the nature of our relationship ever since we met. I’d marry him in a second, but he hasn’t been sure if marriage is something he wants for his life, and if so, if he wants to marry me.. lol. If I was to give my heart to anyone in the world, it would be him, because I know he’d keep it safe and he’d nourish it… There would be no compromising of Self with him. I could be my very best self and he would help me be that just by his presence… He would want me to live every last dream and he would trust that I could do it. And it wouldn’t make him feel insecure. And I’d help him, too, with the things he doesn’t know he needs, like woman love and balance. And I’d help him sort his life out so that he had more time to be easy and smile… This was my not-so-secret fantasy that I had of him.

I told him about it and he didn’t know what to do with it. Told me he felt a very deep connection with me, but wasn’t sure about what to do about it. And so we’ve been like this for about a year. Just friends encouraging each other and sending each other the energy of pure love. And that’s been ok with me. But recently, I started thinking about living my life, and sooner than later, there will be a man. And I searched my heart and found that there was someone there already. It was My People. And there was no way I’d be able to love anyone and want anyone else if I was still holding on to the fantasy of him. So I let him go…

In the meantime, as I wait for time to unveil this new life that is finally taking root in my body, mind, spirit and heart… I will get up and take some action now, Mother In Me. It’s time to live your life, he says to me. It’s time… Ameen.

Day 450
Time To Live Your Life

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