Skip to content

Day 449 – Return of The Mother

August 30, 2016

Hey…

I have to get out of the house in a bit, so this won’t be long.

Yesterday was probably the toughest day of my life. Or maybe the second toughest. I felt like I wanted to disappear. All of the pain I had been through… All of the disappointment… Everything just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Every negative thing anyone had ever said about me became a reality. And I felt like a loser. I didn’t have anything in this world besides a car that I won on a game show. Nobody loved me. Men were always leaving because I was too (strong, weak, smart, dumb, sexy, homely, ambitious, unaccomplished, spiritual, nonreligious). I was too pushy. I was not aggressive enough. I thought too high of myself. I thought too low of myself. I didn’t need them. There was some weaker woman who would collapse without their arms, and so they went to give others their love. Or I pushed them away. Or whatever.

And my life? It was nowhere. It is nowhere. I saw myself as broken. My Kind had opened up a deep, deep love in me, and then left to be with a weaker woman who he thought needed him… Mr. Almost Famous hadn’t stood up for me when I reached out to him and asked him to defend me against someone who was trying to exploit me… My sis didn’t want me staying with her, or at least I thought she didn’t… I was a nobody, and I felt like nobody wanted me. Nobody wanted to just hold me and Love me… Just Love me, even though I’m not perfect. Just Love me, even though I don’t always get it right and I mess up on a lot of stuff. Just Love me even though I’m smart and strong and I may not need someone to tell me what to do all the time. Just Love me even though I’ve been effed up for a while. Yes, I’ve been effed up for a while. I’ve been confused for a while. I’ve been living below my potential for a while. I’ve been irresponsible for a while, if you want to judge me.

I haven’t taken opportunities that came to my doorstep. I’ve spent a huge portion of time and energy on people who don’t even have the capacity to care about anyone but themselves. I haven’t stood up for myself. I let people take me for granted. I shirked responsibility for my own life… I hurt people. Sometimes on purpose but mostly unintentionally. But I hurt them anyway.

And how was I going to do anything in life, with me being me? Just a girl with words and lofty ideas… How could I transform a life so low? All of these dreams I’ve had seemed so far away yesterday. Maybe I was just fooling myself…

Maybe I was the gold-digging whore that He Who Came Before had always made me feel like I was. Maybe I was just a tool to be used and discarded. I couldn’t figure anything out. I couldn’t even figure out where I wanted to live or what I should do to make an income so people didn’t have to give me their money and look at me all funny. I didn’t want to go back into the world where people would hurt me again, where men would just use my love for a time and dismiss me if I became unpleasant or displayed a need for anything… I didn’t want my old life anymore, but I couldn’t envision a new one… Maybe my life experience was true: I was a nothing. And I didn’t want to be a nothing, just being a burden on people and bringing people down. And so I wanted to disappear.

I cried. I cried deeper and louder than I’ve ever cried in my life. I cried for hours on end. How am I supposed to start a life that I can’t even see? I felt everything. I hadn’t felt it all before. I felt my deep, deep sadness. I felt every man who had ever left. I felt every disapproving glance that had ever looked my way. I felt all my disappointments and all of my failures, and I felt my smallness. I felt so small, like there was nothing I could do about anything. And I curled myself up in a ball and wanted to disappear. I closed my eyes…

But when I opened my eyes, I was still there… Shit. I was still here. I am still here. I don’t even have no real magic. Can’t even disappear… lol.

Then I started talking to myself. I tapped into the part of me that has a bad, ghetto attitude. I looked at the worst, meanest things I have ever said to anyone. And I decided. I made a decision. I decided that my bad attitude was lovable. Yep. I decided that I wasn’t so bad, I wasn’t so horrible that I couldn’t be loved. There are so many assholes in the world who are loved. They are so much meaner than me. I decided that I just wasn’t that bad.

I looked at the weakest parts of myself. The part that stays frozen in a room when her feelings are hurt, instead of doing what she needs to do. And I decided that even she was lovable, and if there was no man that would stand up for her, I would. And I told my weak, scared self that I would fight for her. I would be there for her when she was scared of everyone and everything. Even if her own family thought she was plumb nuts crazy and couldn’t understand anything she was going through, I would try and understand her, and I would get up for her and walk with shaky knees to a place where she can be safe. I made a promise to the worst parts of myself. I would be there for me.

And I thought of myself as a child, who just hadn’t got it right yet. I held my own self in my own arms and let myself cry… I know you have been hurting, Love. I know these things hurt you so, so much. I know, my baby. I know. You can cry here in my arms. You don’t have to pretend that you are not hurting. I know how sensitive you are. I will hold you until all the pain goes away. I will hold you again and again. I won’t leave you. I won’t disappear and say you are too sad or too needy. I won’t say you’re not strong enough. I will hold you.

And even while you are crying, I will do the work for you. I am Your Mother. I am Your Highest self. I will Protect You… Oh, my baby… It hasn’t been easy for you… I am sorry. It has been hard. But you have made it here, ok my strong baby? You have made it here. The worst parts of you and the best parts of you are all here. And I Love them all. I Love You, my baby… We can different now, OK? We can be happy now. Do you remember your smile? Your beautiful, giddy smile? Do you remember your bright eyes and how you Loved to dance and run around and give people things? I know you don’t care about much besides Love, and it is OK. You are OK. There’s nothing wrong with you, OK…

Don’t believe them. They don’t know the truth. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are just growing and bumbling and making mistakes along the way. But you are beautiful, and it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn…

So I’m gonna get up now. Do you want to come with me?

-Yes.

Ok. We’re gonna go out into the world, and let’s do some things that we like to do, OK?

-OK.

You need some new shoes and you need a new ergonomic keyboard so your hands don’t hurt when you type.

-OK

And would you like to turn in that application so you can make movies and be in them? Are you ready? Don’t worry. I will be with you if it gets too scary… You want to do that today? I promise I won’t ever leave you again. I promise I promise I promise. I’m sorry I have been gone for so long. I promise I’m gonna be right here as you rebuild your life step by step… So you want to take that step today?

-Will you hold my hand?

Yes, I will…

-Ok… OK…

Ameen.

Day 449
Return of The Mother

Advertisements
2 Comments
  1. honey bee permalink

    this was amazing!! can I post elsewhere?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: