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Day 451 – The Things We Haven’t Seen (How To Build a Life or On Reinventing Myself)

September 15, 2016

Heavy things on my heart… I’m so freaking sensitive…

Thinking about my life still… I was almost successful in the entertainment industry… Almost seven years ago. Can you believe it? I was having meetings with big time producers, pitching ideas to them, being asked to submit my scripts… I had a job working on the Disney lot. It paid more than enough money for me to live on my own in LA and even save… And just when things were better than ever, I ran off – everyone who loved me told me not to – I ran off to be with and live with some man who I thought I couldn’t live without.

He Who Came Before.

I really felt like I couldn’t live without him. I didn’t want to do anything without him anymore. He lived in another state, and if I’m being honest with myself, subconsciously, I didn’t even want to be successful without him. He wasn’t too happy when I told him I had run into a single, male celebrity on the the Disney lot, and that guy had flirted with me.

I ran off. Let go of my apartment in Pasadena with the mountain view on the back porch… Sold my car. Sold my dining room table, which had beautiful mosaic tiles in embedded in it… sold my fridge, packed two and half suitcases and got on a Greyhound bus to start a life with a man I Loved…

We were supposed to live together for three months. I would live with him and he would support me while I polished my writing portfolio, and after three months, I would be done polishing and we would both come back to LA and get married and I would start my life in my industry and he would also work in the creative field. He was a fine artist, among other things…

So, I went to live with him, and within one week of me being there, he told me that he was going to fire his maid, since I was there, and I could help him clean up. And then, without missing a beat, he began telling me how to clean the dirtiest room of the house, which was occupied by one of his teenage foster kids. He would give me a quarter of what I was earning in LA (and what I was earning is a fourth of what he was earning) so that I could have some sort of allowance. I had no friends or family. He would get upset if I talked on the phone too much. He would get upset if I didn’t read the books he wanted me to read or watch the videos he wanted me to watch when he wanted me to read and watch them. He would get upset if I didn’t wear the clothes he wanted me to wear. He would get upset if I didn’t cook every day. I didn’t go grocery shopping. He went grocery shopping and didn’t buy the ingredients I liked to eat. He bought the cheapest stuff instead. I didn’t drive either one of his cars. I only left the house if I was going somewhere in walking distance (the park) or going with him… My emotions were on a constant roller coaster. I didn’t do much writing. Don’t believe I wrote more than ten pages of anything while I was living with him… And if I’m being honest with myself, the truth of the matter is, he was getting upset about everything even before I moved in with him. He asked me to marry him, bought the perfect engagement ring, then got upset about something I said and took the engagement ring back (and told me about it in an email)… He got upset about something else and stopped answering my calls for about a month… Needless to say, he and I didn’t last.

After an argument whether or not we were going to continue to play house, he was huffing and puffing around the house, and I was scared. And I was tired of being scared. And on edge. And emotionally unbalanced. I was tired of being seen as anything but good… And so I bought a ticket for the next greyhound out of town. And I left. And came back to LA.

But that was almost six years ago. And I haven’t been the same since. I haven’t been quite normal since. And I’m looking at my life, and if I can be honest, it makes me sad to see all the time that I’ve wasted. I know you are telling me that it is not time wasted and I have been building character and learning all this great stuff about being human, and I know that that’s one way of looking at it, but I have wasted so much time, God.

I am so much better than the life I’m living. I look around me at so many people, and so many of us are so unhappy. We are in relationships, but they suck. Cheating, abuse, control, manipulation, usury, ego feeding… very little love. We hate our jobs. They have nothing to do with what we really wanted to do with our lives… What happened to us? What happened to the world, Allah? Why are so many people so bad off? Surely it must not be that hard to build a life. Is it? Am I the delusional one? Does no one really care anymore? Have we all just given up?

My heart won’t let me quit. Try as I may, I just can’t quit. I am stubborn. I am so stubborn, Allah, and I believe in things I haven’t seen, like You. I believe in You… I can’t believe some of the relationships I’ve been in. Who was I? Why didn’t I know that I deserved better? Why didn’t I believe that I was lovable? Why didn’t I give love? Why have I been seeking out jobs that have nothing to do with what I want to do with my life and don’t even pay good? Who was I, Allah? I have not been myself. I have been running from my destiny.

But I’m back… I made a mess… I made a pretty big mess of life. I don’t blame He Who Came Before or anyone else. Nobody grabbed my arm or kidnapped me or forced me to make any of the decisions I made in life. I did them all by my own free will… I didn’t know any better, and that is the thing that makes me a bit sad. I didn’t know any better. Most of us make all these bad decisions because we don’t know any better. It’s a catch 22. We’re not in touch with ourselves or we’re desperate or we can’t even see that we have options or we’re afraid or we’re hungry or we’re lonely and so we make the best decisions we can in order to survive. And when things hurt, we believe that men are supposed to be this way or women are supposed to be this way or life is supposed to be this way for us, and we do the best we can… We don’t know any better. Some of us have never even seen one real example of a happy person in our lives. Not one person we know has ever been sincere or genuine… It seems so unfair, God… When I was little, not one person I knew had graduated from college. Not one. Most of us didn’t have fathers, and if we did, they weren’t doing much for our mothers except cheating on them and exploiting them… We didn’t know any better. We didn’t know that good men existed. We didn’t know that men could actually help women’s lives and help us be happier and help us be better. We thought it was enough if they just wanted to marry us. That was enough. That was the best we could ask for… We didn’t know any better.

And so it seems a little unfair, God… I’m just telling you my true thoughts… I have a sociology degree… You kind of have to be super exceptional to a live a life different than your parents…

My mom did a good job. She did the best she could do. She is a dreamer, like me. And she taught us to believe in the things we haven’t seen. It was the best thing she could have done for us. My belief in things I haven’t seen is about the only thing I’ve got going for me right now, ‘cus Lord knows I’ve seen a lot of shit.

And it’s nothing short of a miracle that I’m sitting here right now, in my apartment in LA – the only place I can call home – and my brain is clear for the first time in years. I wasn’t supposed to make it – I know. They wanted me to die. I don’t know who “they” is, but something, someone, didn’t want me to get here. Maybe it was something in me. I don’t know. But I am here.

I am here, and I see everything. Oh, I’m not God, but I see… I see everything. I see everything. I see the big, fat mess I’ve made of my life and I see how to get out of it. Even more, I see how to create a new kind of life, a life I like to look at. I see my bright eyes again. I see joy in my belly again. And I see things I’ve never seen before – like Love. Not pain love. Not abuse love. Not almost love. Not heavy love. Not “don’t live your dream” love. Not “I don’t like you but I guess I’ll love you” love… Pure love. Righteous love. Giddy Love… I see it…

And I see an opening. You are giving me another chance, God. I am humbled. I am so humbled that you would keep me here and let me live and let me get well again and give me another chance to live my destiny. I am so grateful that I can see all the ways that I have created a disaster out of my life, and I know not what to do.

You want to know what I did?

Number one – I picked assholes to fall in love with. I didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t understand that without emotional stability, everything else in life was impossible and challenging for me. I didn’t know that my heart was so sensitive and so powerful and that if my heart was heavy, then my whole life would be heavy. I see it now. After living with so many different people and having so many different people live with me, I see that your personal relationships are the number one influence on your life. I get it. The next time I give my heart to someone, first, I will make sure that he has created a safe space for my heart to rest…

Number two – I didn’t honor what I know. Most of the time, I knew better. I knew what to do. I knew what I wanted, but I was led by fear. I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough money. I was afraid I would be alone. I was afraid I would fail, and so I didn’t take the steps that my Spirit has always been telling me to take. Moving forward, I will honor what I know. Finally.


– And what else?

More? This is already a super long blog entry… More? What are we writing about again?

– We Are Reinventing Ourselves, like you told your lawyer you were gonna do when you signed your settlement papers this week. And we are searching the past years of your life – what I will call the dark night of your soul – to see where you went wrong. To see what you have learned. And you have learned much, my Love.

-And yes there is an opening. You are becoming a thing you have never seen. This is the moment you have been waiting for. A moment of clarity. A moment of sweet release. A moment where you can take responsibility for all you have done and been and take hold of all you choose to do and be. A moment where you can step into the vortex, mind on body, soul aligned, heart open, unified and whole, forgiving, full of love and light, pulled forward by the destiny that is calling your name…

-We will build this new life brick by brick and step by step and you will be thrilled and surprised to see all the good things I have in store for you. It is better than you can imagine… So let us begin with the foundation. First thing’s first: honor what you know. You know the affect that relationships have on your life. It is the big lesson you have been learning. Honor that and know that your experience of relationships with men, friends and family is changing even as you write these words. Your life is changing even as you write these words. I have gone before you and made a way. All you must do now is walk in the direction of the deepest Guidance within you. Are you ready to listen?

Yes, I am ready to listen.

– My Lovely, Beautiful, Stubborn One, let Us begin.

Yes, let us begin. Ameen… Ameen.

Day 451
The Things We Haven’t Seen (How To Build a Life or On Reinventing Myself)

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